08x03 - Inspection of the Groom

[bunniefuu]

Violet, I couldn't say a thing like that right out loud.

Well, Dad's home.

Uncle Charley and Robbie and Ernie are
somewhere around here.

Somebody might hear me.

No, I'm not ashamed of us.

No, I haven't changed since this afternoon at school.

I still...

Well, you know.

Oh, don't cry, Violet.

Okay, I'll whisper it.

Violet, I love you.

Ernie, you're spying on me.

Yeah, and it was a mistake.

I'm nauseous.

I told you I didn't want to say it,
Violet, and you made me.

My little brother Ernie was right here.

He heard every word.

Of course we're going steady.

Okay.

Well, goodbye.

Goodbye.

Boy, kissing over the phone.

What?

I never thought you'd turn out to be a rotten kid.

The things I go through with older brothers.

Well, thanks a lot for listening to my
private conversation.

Oh, Violet, of course we're going steady.

Okay, okay.

What do you take to keep quiet?

Chip, I'm a student, not a blackmailer.

I won't tell anyone except Howard Schwartz.

Who's Howard Schwartz?

A kid at school.

He has two older sisters.

We're writing a book.

You might as well tell the whole world.

No.

We'll respect your right of privacy.

We say Chip D is in love with Violet M.

Who would know?

Well, it's a good thing you're writing
about Chip D and not Robbie D.

I'm tolerant.

He'd m*rder you.

He's in it, too.

He's in the chapter called The Age When
Guys Get Serious About Girls.

He's not only getting serious, he's getting married.

Have you told anybody yet?

Just my mother.

It all happened so fast, I haven't even
told my sorority sisters.

That calls for a kiss.

Don't do your work, I'll do mine.

What'd your mother say?

She tried to say all the right things.

You know how mothers are.

There's one thing I don't know.

They're very protective.

I'm afraid she was shocked.

Naturally.

She'd be losing you.

Okay.

Hey, Chip, Ernie.

Who threw a handful of tacks under the rug?

I don't know.

Nobody threw.

Remember Uncle Charley?

They fell.

Under the rug?

Well, maybe the rug wasn't there when they fell.

Then somebody put the rug on top of them.

That's the dumbest thing you've said since
the last dumb thing you've said.

Ernie, go get my toolbox.

Chip, you go back and do the dishes.

How shocked was she?

Mama?

Mm-hmm?

She wrote instantly.

She said all the usual things.

Who is the boy?

How well do you know him?

Are you sure?

All the rest of it.

You can hardly believe it.

I don't blame her.

I don't blame her at all.

When's she coming out for the wedding?

The week before.

I guess it's next week.

Hmm.

Well, Robbie, darling, I hope you like her.

How can I help it?

She started you?

Here's your toolbox, Uncle Charley.

Oh, what?

Send the boy to do a man's job and they
fall flat on their face.

Don't just stand there.

Pick up that junk.

I hope you guys know you put the...

I think we got all the tools and nails and junk.

Yeah, well, I'll be able to tell you next
time I go up these stairs barefoot.

Okay, you guys, back and do the dishes.

And you too, tr*mp.

Go on.

Come on, tr*mp.

Suppose I really ought to get home.

I guess.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Dad.

I was just taking Katie home.

You'll have to heat up your own dinner.

Why?

There's nobody home.

Oh.

Hi, Steve.

I finally got it fixed.

We finished the dishes, Uncle Charley.

Hi, Dad.

Hi.

Oh, no.

Well,

she's kissing somebody.

Well, who is she kissing?

Oh, I can't see him.

Oh, here she comes.

Oh.

Oh.

Who was he, Katie?

Who?

The boy you were just kissing now, in the convertible.

His name is Robbie Douglas.

Robbie.

Robbie Douglas.

Did you ever hear such a name?

Well, I may have.

Well, what about him?

I mean, how long have you known him?



Good night.

You've known him 19 days and you haven't told us about him?

I mean, how long have you known him?

I mean, after all, we're your best friends.

Well, I know.

I wanted to keep him all to myself.

Good night.

Oh.

By the way, Robbie and I are getting married in two weeks.

Good night.

Katie getting married?

Sensible, level-headed Katie?

This is the girl that dropped the captain of the football
team because he tried to kiss her on the third date.

Eight.

It's probably what they call an applied psychology.

Going eight.

I think this bears a little looking into.

Oh, don't be silly, Gracie.

That's butting in where we're not wanted,
as well as snooping.

Right.

I start tomorrow.

Hey, Rob.

Your car's parked in the driveway.

No, you're not.

I'm not getting my car to practice on me.

Rob, when you were getting your driver's license, you drove
Dad's car up and down the driveway about 50 times a day.

I did, didn't I?

Yeah, you did.

Okay.

Here.

But stay on the driveway and don't go on
the street, all right?

Okay.

Thanks.

All right.

Bye.

Bye.



Maybe 15.

Oh, I tell you, if Katie marries him,
she'll have to heat up his milk.

That doesn't make any sense.

I don't believe in butting in, but this is
one time I think we better do a little checking.

Yeah.

Well, we're supposed to study English
vocabulary on page 22.

Words like monsoon, junk like that.

Monsoon?

I think it's French for mister.

There's someone at the door.

I'll call you back.

I'm doing a survey on the social habits of
men for a school project.

Can I come in?

Oh, sure.

I have a seat.

Thank you.

What an attractive home you have.

Yeah, it's okay.

Well, can I have your name?

Well, I'm not a man yet.

I'm still in grammar school.

Well, do you have any brothers?

Yeah, Chip.

He's not allowed to drive out of the
driveway, so I guess he's not a man yet either.

Any other brothers?

Yeah, Robbie.

He's in college.

He kisses girls and everything.

Robbie will do.

Well, he's still at school.

Well, perhaps you could answer some questions for him.

Does he date much?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's about 50.

How many girls?

Oh.

Well, not here.

He left them all in Bryant Park because we
had to come out here.

Has he ever been serious about any one girl?

Oh, sure.

Well, good.

Who is she?

Are you supposed to put down personal junk like that?

Oh, well, this report will never be published or anything.

Okay.

Anyways, this girl he was going to marry
was called Dorothy Welch.

Dorothy Welch?

Yeah.

Well, he couldn't marry her because he was
going steady with Ruth Gorsh and Emily Meadows.

He was going steady with two other girls?

Yeah.

He went steady with everybody in sight.

He had a chart on the wall where he sort
of kept track of them.

I think I have enough.

Thank you.

Well, don't you want to hear about the riot?

The riot?

Yeah.

He got mixed up and took Dorothy to the mall shop where
Ruth Gorsh and Emily What's-Her-Name happened to be.

My dad didn't come by for tobacco.

They'd have k*lled him.

Good.

Thank you for the information.

That's where I'll be right now.

You.

You.

Blue beard.

What was that all about?

I don't know.

She was taking a survey, and all I did was tell
her about the girls you used to know in junior high.

And he's not 15, Gracie.

You got the brothers mixed up.

Anyway, that's a relief.

Well, I'm not so sure.

He's cute, but, well, he's not for Katie.

Do you know he went to study with three
different girls at the same time?

What's wrong with that?

Well, most people don't, Pat.

Anyway, I just hate to think of Katie.

Katie getting stuck with an euphorio like that.

She won't.

What does that mean?

You gonna think of something?

I've already thought of it.

Here you are.

Oh, thank you.

I'm such a clumsy person.

No, you're not.

Oh, you think so?

I mean, we hardly know each other.

We don't know each other at all.

Well, how quick of you to notice that.

But a little thing like not knowing each
other can quickly be rectified.

Don't you think?

You're gonna think I'm the square of all
time, but I'm engaged to be married.

Bye.

It's hard to keep my mind on the economics
of social structure.

When the man I'm going to marry in less
than two weeks is sitting right beside me.

That calls for a kiss.

How do you do?

Won't you come in?

Oh, um, I'm looking for...

Don't mind them.

That goes on day and night around here.

Well, I'm looking for...

Please!

Mama!

Um, Mama, I want you to meet somebody.

This is Robbie.

I certainly hope so.

Listen, kids, neck a little when they're
going to get married.

Didn't you ever... Uncle Charley.

Nice to meet you, Ms. Miller.

Uh, please sit down.

What am I, chopped liver around here?

I'm his Uncle Charley.

Here.

Plant it.

Not that we're not glad to see you or anything,
Mama, but... Well, we weren't expecting you.

We weren't expecting you until next week.

Where were we, dear?

No, no, we were... Coffee or tea?

What?

Well, now that we're going to be relations,
I thought I'd run up a little refreshments.

Now, coffee or tea?

Whatever's easiest.

I'll surprise you.

Hey, uh, were you ever in Hong Kong?

I, uh, no.

Funny, there was a dancer in the San Pan
Saloon down by the waterfront that was a dead ringer.

Oh, Uncle Charley.

I think you better get the refreshments.

I think you better get the refreshments.

Mama, why did you come out before you said you would?

One of your sorority sisters sent me a letter.

Charley!

Charley, this shirt I found on my bed, you don't
expect me to wear that to the meeting tonight, do you?

All the buttons are off.

That's a dust cloth I left in there.

And stop making such a racket.

We got company.

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Three guesses what I'm making.

One of my sorority sisters sent you a letter?

Yes.

She said you were marrying a 15-year-old.

Go up or pass, sir.

Okay, come on.

Now what?

Ramp, close your big hairy mouth.

Ernie, take that silly thing off your head.

We got company.

I'm sorry, I...

What happened?

He fell on his head again.

Ramp, shut up.

I'm Steve Douglas.

Mr. Douglas, this is my mother.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Quiet.

There goes that fat-headed kettle.

Ernie, answer the phone.

Ramp, shut up.

Shut up.

Welcome to the family.

Hey, Dad.

Oh, hi, Rob.

So, you know, somebody's been exchanged.

I've been exchanging my wooden hangers for wire ones.

Have you any idea who?

Well, not me.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Well, I was just talking to Katie, and, uh, well,
her mother's arranged this little get-together for me.

With whom?

Well, it seems that Katie has two cousins, an aunt,
and a grandmother living out here over in Glendale.

Well, it's, uh, inspection time, Rob.

Inspection time?

Every, uh, prospective groom has to go through it.

They have to pass on you.

Who?

That g*ng in Glendale?

Why should they?

Well, it's part of the game the ladies like to play.

They, uh, they have to look you over.

Check on your, uh, opinions, your clothes,
the way you comb your hair, and all the rest.

Oh, brother.

And after they've done all that,
they decide that, well, you're really not

good enough for their Katie, but, uh, maybe given
enough time, they'll come to see what Katie sees in you.

Did you have to go through this?

Oh, sure.

Your great-aunt Sophie, uh, always thought
of me as that brainless boy who was all legs.

There's no way out, huh?

Well, I'm afraid not, Rob.

Why don't you just think of it as a vaccination?

One shot and you're immune for a while.

Thanks, Dad.

Anytime.

You know, Dad, we've had many a talk in our time,
and every time I leave here, I always feel a lot better.

But not tonight.

Leave it alone.

It's all right.

That hurts.

Well, where is he?

Well, he'll be here, Mother.

We said 8 O'clock.

Well, 8 O'clock is too late.

We thought it would be better than 7 O
'clock because of your nap, dear.

Don't dare me, Alice.

Grandma, Alice went to her glory five years ago.

That's Annie.

What difference does it make?

They both look the same.

Let's go in, honey.

It's not going to be that bad.

It's going to be quite an evening.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Oh, Robbie, come on.

Hello, darling.

Oh, Robbie, it's so nice of you to come.

The family's been looking forward to meeting you.

Go on.

This is my cousin, Grace.

Robbie Douglas, Grace.

Robbie sounds like a little boy's name, dear.

Is your real name Robert?

Yes, ma'am.

Then, for heaven's sake, why don't you
call yourself Robert?

Hi, Kathleen.

And this is my cousin, Eldon Sorto.

Robbie Douglas, Eldon.

Welcome to the family, boy.

And may I say it's a relief to see somebody under six feet?

Us shrimps have got to stick together.

And this is Kathleen's Aunt Annie.

Hello, Robert.

It would have been nice if you and Kathleen had
come over to meet the family before we sent for you.

Aren't you going to kiss your aunt, dear?

This is my cousin.

Bring him here.

Well, I was just introducing him to Katie.

I said bring him here.

Mother, this is Robbie.

I know who it is.

Do you think I'm deaf?

So, you're going to marry Katie?

Yes, ma'am.

You're too thin.

Oh, no, ma'am.

I'm about the right weight for my height.

You talking back to me?

Well, I was just... No, no, ma'am.

It's just that, well, I don't think I'm too thin.

Well, don't stand there looking at me.

Dance with the girl.

Play something so I can see the cut of his
leg when he dances.

Well, you heard what the lady said.

May I have this waltz?

Oh, it's you, Katie, and your young Robbie.

Katie, go away.

I want to talk to him alone.

Come closer, boy.

You don't think I want the whole room to hear this.

This is between just you and me, Robbie.

I like you.

Thank you.

Thank me for what?

Because you look good.

Because you look at my granddaughter with eyes of love.

Because you're a strong man, and we need a
strong man in the family.

Thank me for what?

For liking me.

Because I like you.

You do?

Yes, ma'am.

Well, I yell a lot, and I'm cantankerous.

And you still like me?

I see a lot of Katie in you.

And as far as the yelling is concerned,
you ought to meet my Uncle Charley.

Oh, your Uncle Charley yells a lot, too, does he?

He has to.

His name's O'Casey.

Oh.

Turn off that music!

Katie, come here!

Kathleen Miller, if you so much as give
this boy one speck of trouble,

I'll march you to the woodshed personally,
do you understand me?

Yes, Grandma.

And that goes for the rest of you.

Good night.

Oh, Robbie Douglas, I want
great-grandchildren, do you hear me?

Hundreds of them.

Then what?

And then Katie's mother took me around in this
circle, and I had to meet all of them, one at a time.

Boy, I crook.

Then what?

Well, then every one of them had something to say.

Like, one of them said I was a shrimp.

Her cousin wanted to know why I didn't
call myself Robert instead of Robbie.

You know, stuff like that.

Why, anything like that happened to me once in Ceylon.

But when I found out that every member in
the family had hit me with a welcome club,

I bowed out fast.

Was everybody looking at you?

Yeah, it was rugged there for a while.

I remember I had to stand up and say a
poem once in front of the whole class.

And everyone was staring at me,
and I wished I knew how to fake.

Was it like that?

Yeah, something like that.

Dad says every guy goes through it.

Every guy?

That's what he says.

Man.

Dad, is going steady something like being
engaged to get married?

Well, Chip, I suppose in a way... Hello, Violet?

Oh, this is your friend Chip.

Yeah, hold on a minute.

Dad, you won't let me go steady with anybody, will you?

You mean now?

Yeah.

Well, I say at this point you're a little young.

Well, my dad says I can't go steady.

So all those goofy plans we were talking
about were a waste of breath.

Yeah, well, maybe we can wave to each
other once in a while.

Yeah, maybe we can dance.

Come on, Violet, quit crying.

What could be as nice as an hour with my three sons?

How about an hour with three daughters?

Sure.

Stay tuned for Bobby Joe, Betty Joe,
Billy Joe, and everyone at the Shady Rest.

Hotel on Petticoat Junction as TV Land's
Twice as Nice Morning continues.