08x05 - Wedding Bells

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I.

Knew you'd be awake.

What time is it?

A little after six.

I wonder if Robbie's awake, too.

I doubt it.

On his wedding day?

Men are different, honey.

They get excited at the last minute.

Well, another few hours, my daughter will
be Mrs. Robert Douglas.

I can't quite believe it.

I can.

I bet you're wrong about Robbie.

I bet he's been staring at the ceiling for
hours, just like I have.

How do you look in your wedding dress, Katie?

Oh, just wonderful, Grandma.

I'm sure Robbie's up now.

I think I'll call him.

No.

I mean, it's bad luck.

Please humor me on this, Katie.

Let's have nothing but wonderful fortune
on your wedding day.

All right.

But I know he's twice as excited as I am.

Thank you.

What do you think, Mrs. Miller?

I think it's fine, Judy.

Is your photographer friend all set?

Yes.

I said he could have free reign,
except he mustn't lie on his back in front

of the altar to get one of those psychedelic shots of his.

Did Annie's idiot singer learn the words
to I Love You Truly?

Yes, Mother.

The music's all set.

Well, believe it or not, we'll be leaving
for the church in just about two hours.

Oh.

How does Robbie feel about all this this morning, Katie?

Well, I don't know.

I haven't talked to him, but... Well,
how can anyone feel on his wedding day?

No!

No!

Did Dad holler just now?

I don't know.

Hey!

Hey, Dad!

This is terrible!

All right, boys!

Fellas!

Oh, wait, Dad, we overslept!

Oh, it was a Sunday!

Well, I'm glad somebody finally realized that.

Robbie!

Boy, maybe tr*mp came home and nobody was up to let him in!

Hey, fellas, wait!

Robbie!

Robbie?

Rob!

Rob, get off me!

What?

What am I, late for school?

Late for school?

If you don't get up, you're going to be
late for your wedding!

Get out of there!

My wedding!

What am I, waiting?

I'm waiting!

I'm waiting!

I'm waiting!

I'm waiting!

I'm too old for all this.

I love this.

Annie, you run Mother over to the church
in a little while, will you?

And, uh, girl, go on out to the car.

I'll meet you there.

Oh, wait a minute.

Katie, come here to me.

You'll be having people hound you and kiss
you after the wedding, and I'm just too old to fight it.

So I'll be talking to you now.

Now, when you walk down that aisle, you
stand up straight and keep your chin up high.

And keep your stomach tucked in tight so it doesn't Rumble.

Oh, Grandma.

Now, you'll be carrying something old.

Something that I wore when I was married
to Chester, your grandfather.

So, well, if there's anything I can't
stand, it's a blubbering woman.

I understand, Grandma.

I'll bet that wherever Grandpa is, he'll be seeing
you the way you looked on your wedding day.

But don't stand there like a lot of minis.

You've got a wedding to get.

Okay.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

Let's go.

Goodbye.

Be careful of your trip.

Okay.

Bye.

Be careful.

Charley, these aren't black socks.

They're dark green.

Then wear your brown suit.

To my son's wedding?

Well, here, wear these.

They're black.

Oh, fine.

They're wet.

Well, you can't have everything.

I suppose you know you're not wearing any pants.

Sure I know I'm not wearing any pants.

I sat on a jelly donut some knock head put on a chair.

Hey, Chip, I got a shirt down here for you.

Hey, can anybody figure out how you and I work?

Dad?

Oh, here, hold those.

They're wet.

Yeah, well, just the black ones are wet.

I'll host them.

Boy, Dad, can't people find seats in the
church without me hauling them around?

Ernie, it's just a formality.

You ask the people whether they're friends
of the bride or the groom, and then you

present your arm and take them to their seats.

It's as simple as that.

Do I get a flag?

Do I get a flashlight like they do for movies?

Sure, you just present your arm.

Dad, where's the ring?

I have to practice getting it out of my
pocket without tearing something.

Well, Robbie's got the ring, and don't worry about it.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Hey, Rob, later, later.

What am I, your Butler?

Yeah, and whoever put that jelly donut on the kitchen chair
is going to hear it from me when I'm not so breathless.

Hey, Uncle Charley, will you practice
walking down the aisle with me?

Later.

All right.

All right.

Hey, my friend's seen me in this dumb suit
hauling ladies down the aisle.

I'm going to get creamed.

Honest, Ernie, you and your little kid problems.

I actually have to stand up there and hand
Robbie the ring, like they do in the movies.

And I got clumsy fingers.

Guys with clumsy fingers always drop the
ring or lose it or can't find it in the first place.

Robbie.

What do you think, Mama?

It's fine, darling, leave it just the way it is.

Now, do you have something old,
something borrowed, and something blue?

Yes, one for you.

It's from Grandma and each of the girls.

Has anyone arrived yet?

Oh, not yet, but it won't be long now.

I thought you would see Robbie.

Who's had time?

He's probably down the hall in that room
with a groom, sweated out.

And don't you try to see him.

I'm not superstitious, but I don't believe
in taking any chances either.

I won't.

Makes me feel good to know he's just a few feet away.

Dad!

Hey, Dad, how old are you?

These feathers were made for a giant.

Well, they're adjustable, Robbie,
just to pull up on this brass thing.

Oh, where are those?

Well, they're my socks.

I tried to dry them out in the bathroom
heater, and I got them overdone, I guess.

Oh, hey, I've got some black socks in my room.

Come on.

Oh, good.

Rob?

What?

This is your room?

This is my room.

Are you a friend of the groom?

I won't be if he don't get down here.

Robbie, Steve.

Come on, Uncle Charlie, help me practice.

Okay, okay, yeah.

I'm a friend of the groom.

What are you going to do about it?

Grab my arm, lady.

No, you don't say grab my arm, lady.

You just stick out your arm, and she goes where you go.

They've been around.

They know what you're sticking.

You're sticking your arm out, boy.

Hey, Steve, are you coming to that church,
or do you want us to bring it to you?

Hey, what are you doing?

Uncle Charlie, say the ring, please.

All right, the ring, please.

What are you trying to do, outgrow the preacher?

No, but two times out of three, I get
my fingers hung up in that little pocket.

You watch me wreck the whole wedding.

Dad, give me a hand, please.

Charlie, don't tell us we're late.

We know.

Dad, am I supposed to have the marriage license with me?

If I am, forget it.

No, no, no, Katie's mother has that.

I think.

Well, what are we all standing around for?

Oh, I thought it would be nice if we got
all dressed up and played pot-cheesy.

Oh, come on.

Come on, you guys, get going.

Come on.

Dad, Dad, Fred didn't come back yet.

Well, we'll have to look for him after
your brother gets married, Ernie.

Come on.

All right.

Hey, if he can't find it in your pocket,
why don't you stick it on your finger?

Can't lose your finger.

Thank you.

Come on, you guys, get going.

Come on, get out of here.

Come on.

Yes, young man.

Oh, thank you.

I bring you greetings from the bride and her partner.

How is she?

Is she scared or anything?

My dear young man, women thrive on being
nervous at weddings, but somehow they never show it.

But we, on the other hand, perspire
freely, and the whole world knows about it.

But fortunately, the world also thinks it's sort of cute to
see you and me and the best man on the verge of collapse.

I'm going to be so cute when my heart
jumps out of my chest and rolls down the aisle.

Well, just tell them that we're doing as
well as could be expected.

And tell Katie I envy you being the man to give her away.

That's what elderly cousins are for.

Any messages?

Oh, yes.

Tell her I, uh...

Well, I'll tell her.

Uh, Rob.

Oh.

You look beautiful, Katie.

I thank you.

Katie?

Yes?

Did you see Robbie?

Yes, and he sends his love.

Tell me his exact words.

He said, Tell Katie that this day is the culmination of
all my dreams and that in her I see beauty and warmth...

Nice try, Cousin Eldon.

Well, he attempted to say that.

Is the church full, Eldon?

Just about.

You'd better get down there, Lorraine.

I don't have to say it, do I, honey?

No, Mama.

I know.

Hey, you both look great.

Well, I guess I'd better get out there.

Rob?

Well, you know how I feel.

Good luck.

Dad, thanks for, uh, well, for everything.

Yeah.

That leaves us all alone here.

Yeah.

Chip, have you got the ring?

Sure.

Oh, good.

Rob?

Hmm?

I guess you ought to know.

I wouldn't go through all this for anybody
else in the whole world.

I feel like I'm in a croak or something.

Yeah, I know.

Maybe I can do it for you someday, Chip.

I think nobody else is coming, so I'd better sit down.

Yeah, sit down.

Guy, is that the wedding march?

It sure ain't marriagey dotes.

What marriagey dotes?

What marriagey dotes?

tr*mp.

tr*mp.

Give me a boy.

Dearly beloved, we are assembled here in
the presence of God to join this man and

this woman in holy marriage, which is
instituted by God, regulated by his commandment.

As thou hast brought them together by thy
Providence, we thank thee by thy grace.

We thank thee for thy grace.

We thank thee for thy grace.

We thank thee for thy grace.

We thank thee for thy grace.

We thank thee for thy grace.

We thank thee for thy grace.

We thank thee for thy grace.

We thank thee for thy grace.

We thank thee for thy grace.

We thank thee for thy grace.

We thank thee for thy grace.

We thank thee for thy grace.

We thank thee for thy grace.

Give us in all faith and tenderness to
live with him and Cherish him according to

the ordinance of God in the holy bond of marriage.

I will.

Repeat after me.

I, Robert Douglas, take thee, Kathleen
Miller, to be my wedded wife.

I, Robert Douglas, take thee, Kathleen
Miller, to be my wedded wife.

I, Kathleen Miller, take thee,
Robert Douglas, to be my wedded husband.

The ring, please.

This ring I give thee in token and pledge
of our constant faith and dividing love.

This ring I give thee in token and pledge
of our constant faith and dividing love.

This ring I give thee in token and pledge
of our constant faith and abiding love.

Hurry up, Uncle Charley.

They're going to be taking off any minute.

I'm doing it as fast as I can.

In my day, we used to paint it right on the car.

Ah, just married, newlyweds, Niagara Falls
or bust, all kinds of great stuff.

I don't understand the whole procedure.

Tradition.

You tie tin cans and signs all over the
car so everybody know they're newlyweds.

Why?

Why?

Because everybody does it, that's why.

Chip, I think all of this is evidence of a generation gap.

Maybe Ernie's right.

It is kind of goofy hanging tin cans on a guy's car.

There.

There we are.

Uncle Charley, you sure you want me to tie
these tin cans on Robbie's car?

Absolutely.

Let's get out of here before this little squirt and
his logic take all the fun out of getting married.

Bill, I don't know about you folks, but I've had it.

Thanks for hanging around and cleaning up
the mess, Lorraine.

You're a good kid.

Well, if the guests had been willing to fly to St. Louis,
we could have had the reception at the home of the bride.

Good night.

Good night, Charlie.

Good night, Charlie.

Good night, Steve.

Well, that's it, Steve.

They're born, they grow up, and they're gone.

All in a few days.

Well, I'm sure all parents say that about
their children when they get married.

You still hungry?

Just thought I'd take a few wishes to sleep on.

Oh, if you're going to sleep on it,
you better put it on a saucer.

You'll be more comfortable.

Thanks, Steve.

What are you going to wish?

Well, let's just put it this way.

If you don't send me a wire at the first sign of
a grandchild, I shall never speak to you again.

I'll run you over to your mother's.

Oh, no thanks, Steve.

I have a car.

And besides, if you don't mind,
I think I'd kind of like to be alone.

I'm just beginning to realize that mothers
do a lot of silly crying at times like these.

Well.

Don't look so surprised.

We're kissing relatives.

No.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Well, come to think of it, neither would I.

Thank you, Steve.

Good night.

Good night, Lorraine.

What are you doing in here?

Oh.

I don't really know, Charlie.

Yeah, well, I do.

You're her father, and you just had a kid get married.

So you come to stare at this room.

You don't have to apologize for a thing like that.

It's going to be a little more quiet
around here now, Charlie.

Yeah, for about two weeks.

You forgetting he'll be moving in here with Katie?

Yeah, I guess I did forget for a minute.

Yeah, well, I didn't.

It's going to be noisier than ever.

Women do a lot of screaming at mice, you know.

Well, good night, Steve.

Oh, I'm going to bed, too.

You know, I guess you're right.

He did turn into a man off of fast, didn't he?

What could be as nice as an hour with my three sons?

How about an hour with three daughters?

Sure.

Stay tuned for Bobby Joe, Betty Joe, Billy Joe, and
everyone at the Shady Rest Hotel on Petticoat Junction.

As TV Land's Twice as Nice Morning continues.