08x08 - The Chameleon

[bunniefuu]

Hi, Charlie.

Hi, Steve.

Well, I missed everybody this morning, huh?

Well, the kids took off in their usual rush for school.

Well, I stayed up late working on those
priority plans, and I just slept in.

I don't like to do that.

I kind of miss our breakfast conversations.

Well, if you feel deprived, Steve, I'll fill you in.

Say, didn't I smell bacon cooking?

Oh, you sure did.

Here.

First of all, Robbie and Katie aren't
doing anything interesting.

Did you make any toast?

Sure.

Help yourself.

Ernie has got tr*mp enrolled in some obedience
class that a dog food company is running over at the park.

Oh, here's your orange juice.

And wait till you hear this.

Chip is going to get himself matched up
with some girl by using a computer.

Oh, well, that's not too unusual these days, Charlie.

Oh, now, look, Steve, when I was in the merchant marine,
we didn't need any machine to tell us who was good-looking.

And who wasn't?

We used the good old eyeballs.

Well, Charlie, computer dating doesn't
deal with just physical appearances, you know.

I still say you can't get that certain romantic
spark on the say-so of a bunch of nuts and bolts.

Say, is there any marmalade?

Oh, sure.

I don't know why, but I have the feeling
that I'm eating leftovers.

I told you they had to rush off, Steve.

I can't afford to waste the food.

Well, I suppose it's all right as long as
we're keeping the germs in the same family.

Anything else?

No, this is fine, thanks.

How about a half a fried egg?

No, this is fine.

All right, kids, the obedience school will
run every day this week.

You'll have a chance to train your dog with me personally.

No, I'm sorry that we can only do this one at a time.

But just keep your place in line every day
until your turn comes up.

Now, kids, let me... Where do I go?

Obedience school's for dogs.

I know.

I think that's a chicken.

Oh.

If you went home and got your dog, it might help.

Thanks a lot, mister.

I still don't see why you guys are involved with computers.

One of our teachers is getting a degree in
something to do with computers.

So he decided to experiment with our class.

That's why we're filling out these questionnaires.

Yeah.

He's gonna feed the answers into the computer with a bunch
of answers from a girls' school across town and match us up.

I sure hope I get a blonde.

Well, I'm glad I got you all together
because we're gonna have dinner at 7 O

'clock tonight and I don't want any stragglers.

Oh, you can forget that order.

I thought you were family.

Uncle Charlie, you never met my friend Carl Murchison.

Carl is my Uncle Charlie O'Casey.

Glad to meet you, Mr. O'Casey.

Murchison?

I know.

A hack driver in Singapore named Murchison.

Used to deal at a Blackjack on the side.

Any relation?

I don't think so, Mr. O'Casey.

Carl's gonna be hanging around here a while.

We're working on this computer project together.

You want to know what I think about computers?

In my day, we made up our own minds.

We didn't run around asking a bunch of
wires if the fat-headed moon was out.

And I want to tell you another thing about
these computers that you don't know.

There's the bell for round one.

Now you got the word.

I've been waiting to see this fight for three weeks.

And I don't want any noise of any kind.

And that goes for all of you.

Okay, Uncle Charley.

You really better be quiet.

One of those guys is Uncle Charley's favorite fighter.

Hey, Chip, tell us more about the computer experiment.

We're just starting to fool around with
that stuff at school.

Keep the racket down over there.

You better cool it till the fight's over.

Hey, where did you guys see this?

It's gonna k*ll you.

No, it's not.

Okay, tr*mp.

Come on, come on.

Hey, Arnie, I'll get you.

Keep it, tr*mp.

Keep it.

Come on, Arnie, you and tr*mp get out of here on the dot.

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

It's a one-round knockout.

What do you mean, he's out?

That's my boy on the campus.

I didn't even see it.

tr*mp, it's going wild.

I think we're gonna get hollered again.

Come on.

Hi, Uncle Charley.

Hi.

Guess what?

They towed the school away.

We got our cards on the girls we're
matched up with by the computer.

We're gonna call them the suit they sound like.

You modern kids really can't think for yourselves, can you?

In my day, we used our own masculine
instinct to get a date.

It's like asking your car to go out and
pick an accident for you.

I got the only uncle around.

I got the only uncle around who hates computers.

Go ahead.

Now, today, we'll try to show how simple it is to train your
dog to stay in one position until given a command to move.

Now, I'm sorry... Oh, hi.

What you got there?

His name is Fido.

You're getting closer.

Is he a dog?

Well, not exactly.

Dogs eat carrots because Fido eats carrots feel good.

Why don't you go home and get something
that looks more like this?

Thanks, mister.

She really sounds groovy.

Okay, Debbie.

I'll see you tonight, then.

Goodbye.

Boy, I can't wait to hear what my girl sounds like.

We had the same kind of interest.

I forgot to ask her if she was blonde.

Boy, you really got a blonde hang-up.

Maybe it was something in your childhood.

Hello, X21ZY female?

This is X21ZY male.

You mean my computer date?

All right.

My real name's Chip Douglas.

I'm Marlene Hendricks.

I saw how our cards matched.

We seem to have a lot in common.

Yeah, I couldn't believe it.

I'm gonna hit her for a date.

Hey, Marlene, I know we're just supposed
to go to the computer picnic together,

but how about me coming over to your place
tonight so we can sort of get acquainted?

That's fine with me, Chip.

Bring your books.

Maybe we'll study together.

Okay, Marlene.

I'll see you tonight, then.

Goodbye.

I'm getting really excited about this whole thing.

Yeah, but suppose something goes wrong.

What can go wrong?

Computer knows what it's doing.

Yeah, but what does the computer care
about the color of a girl's hair?

Chip, I think we're in big trouble.

You're beginning to sound like Uncle Charley.

I'm putting my money on the computer.

He'd even picked out a pretty name, Marlene.

Marlene.

Yeah.

Won't you come in?

Steve?

I see I got up early enough this morning
to catch part of the family.

Ten minutes more, Steve, and these legally
would have been declared leftovers.

Oh, come on.

You've got to go more than that.

I'll admit we Douglas' are frugal, but let's not overdo it.

Oh, I did.

You'd really be surprised how old tr*mp's
moving along in obedience class.

Well, that's great, Ernie.

Admit it, Ernie.

tr*mp's likable.

But he isn't any Da Vinci of the dog kingdom.

How can you say stuff like that, Uncle Charley?

For one thing, I found him trying to eat a
washcloth this morning.

Oh, so?

And when he couldn't eat it, he tried to
Bury it in the carpet.

That ain't exactly a sign of brilliance.

Yeah, only I bet tr*mp didn't think it was so smart when you
stopped up the garbage disposal with a sock the other day.

That was an accident.

You know, if this is a sample of the conversation I've
been missing, I think I'll go back to sleeping late again.

Chipper, you haven't said a word.

Something wrong?

It's nothing much, Dad.

He's got a symptom of the new generation, Steve.

Computer blues.

Oh, yeah.

My computer dates about six feet tall.

Well, Chipper, I hope you didn't let the
girl know how you feel.

Well, she's not ugly or anything.

The guys are sure going to kid me.

Well, Chipper, I don't think that's what
you should be concerned about.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

You don't let some impersonal contraption
play Cupid for you.

Well, I'm stuck now.

I'd sure like to dump her.

Chipper, I think you and I better have a
little talk about this after breakfast.

But, Dad, she can look right down on the top of my head.

You know, Chipper, I don't think you
should be concerned about that.

Well, Chipper, I'm really surprised at your attitude.

I mean, you're taking this girl's height
as a blow aimed directly at you.

Dad, did you ever feel short?

No.

No, not lately, Chipper, but I have felt
inadequate and clumsy in my time.

Remember how I used to Mark how tall we
were with a pencil in the closet?

Yeah.

Well, I haven't passed my pencil Mark in
about eight months.

Well, maybe you've just slowed up for a
while, Chipper, or...

Well, anyway, I wouldn't worry too much about it.

I'm sure I don't have to remind you that
many great men like Napoleon weren't great.

...

because of their height.

I don't mind if you remind me.

Well, it's true, Chip.

I mean, physical stature has nothing to do
with how a man is measured.

Or to put it more simply, how tall a man is doesn't matter.

Except to short guys.

All right, let's try a different approach.

Now, the computer phase of this experiment is over.

Now you're dealing with human emotions.

You mean go to the picnic with Marlene, forget
about the tall stuff, and don't hurt her feelings?

That's right, Chip.

Hey, Dad.

You know, when I have a kid of my own
someday, you think I'll be able to talk to

him sensible and smart like you talk to me?

Well, Chip, you'd have to sort of play it by
ear, but I have a feeling you'll do just fine.

Today's lesson will be the proper feeding of your pets.

Your dog's health is governed by the food he eats,
just as your health is governed by the food you eat.

Hi, sir.

How are you today, kid?

Guess what I got.

Now, when somebody comes... What?

He's got a key and everything.

Well, uh, you got one there that's already
trained pretty good.

Why don't you stay here in line with me,
and maybe we can figure something out.

You're neat, mister.

Oh,

is Chip Douglas here?

Yeah.

Well, come on in.

Thank you.

Do you want to sit down or something?

Fine.

I'm his brother, Ernie.

I'll go tell him you're here.

Ernie, could you tell me, is Chip wearing
boots, you know, high heels and stuff?

No.

The last time I looked, he wasn't any
taller than he usually is.

Was someone at the door?

Yeah.

I think it's Chip's computer data.

Marlene?

Boy, you were right, Chip.

I bet she could pick dates off a palm tree
without a ladder.

I wonder why she's here.

Quit saying things like that.

The girl might hear you.

Well, I don't think she'd be too surprised
about being tall, Uncle Charley.

She probably noticed it a long time ago.

It's real nice to see you, Marlene.

Look, Chip, it was kind of fun going
through that computer thing.

I don't think we're the perfect pair.

Oh, sure we are.

We're interested in all kinds of junk together.

Look what you're doing right now.

Did I say something wrong?

No, Chip, but you're staring up at me.

I got some thicker shoes upstairs.

Who cares?

Let's be honest, Chip.

I'm just too tall for you.

We should have said so when we first met.

I thought you'd get all sensitive.

I'm not sensitive about being tall one bit.

It's just that I feel more comfortable with a taller boy.

I'm not sensitive about being taller.

I know what you mean.

We're still supposed to go together to the picnic.

Look, Chip, we can talk to each other honestly.

Don't you know a taller boy from your
school that maybe we could... Switch dates?

Hey, Marlene, that's a groovy idea.

I know some guys who might go for this.

I'll walk you home.

Then I'll come back and get started.

Fine.

Steve, do you know what those kids are
doing in the living room?

Well, no, but from the sound of your
voice, there must be something pretty awful.

They're holding a regular sl*ve market.

No.

Yes.

All right.

I got an out-of-sight little girl here that
any of you guys would love to be with.

Well, if she's so great, why don't you
keep her for yourself?

Because she isn't blonde.

I've got a blonde, but she's a little
plump and she hates rock and roll music.

As long as she's blonde, I can learn to live with hang-ups.

I've been matched with a girl that
although has a marked interest in English

literature, nevertheless has the least
inclination toward physics.

I extracted this shortcoming through an
in-depth conversation.

What's she look like, Norman?

Relatively groovy.

I've got a math major here.

Consider it a deal.

They're still down there, Steve.

This is the closest thing to Bob Barrick's
that ever happened underneath this roof.

Better watch your language, Uncle Charley.

I'm still kind of young.

Ernie, it's past your bedtime.

When it's past my bedtime this early,
there must be something good going on.

But I really came to ask Dad for a favor.

What is it?

Well, I'm not going to go beating around the bushes.

You're not?

No.

I've got a really good reason for this favor.

Ernie, why do you always have to go to
your dad for a favor?

Why don't you come to me once in a while?

What do you want?

Can I have three dollars?

Speak to your dad.

All right, Ernie, three dollars, huh?

Of course, this will mean giving up your
allowance for the next two weeks.

It'll be worth it.

I'll tell you about it when I work out the deal.

Fine.

Just remember, don't ask me for any
more money until the two weeks are up, huh?

Okay.

And, Uncle Charley, if barbarics means
chip-straining girls all over the place,

I already know about that.

Thanks again, Dad.

Okay, so long, you guys.

Okay, bye.

It's just you and me, Marvin.

Yeah.

And I know you have a tall girl to trade.

Right.

I just want to find out what kind of bargain I'm getting.

Words can't describe her, Chip.

The guys our age don't say that type of junk about girls.

Really?

You take a hundred girls and rate them on looks, and
Angela Mason would be right up there in the top two percent.

What's wrong with her, Marvin?

If you don't believe me, take a look at this.

Is this Angela?

Man.

I told you.

How come you're trading away something like this?

Are you sick?

Look, Chip.

You say your girl's tall, and besides,
I'd like to do a friend a favor.

Yeah, but I can't believe that...

I can believe.

Here.

Dad couldn't get mad at me, Uncle Charley.

Marlene said herself she didn't want to go out with me.

I keep reading about how you guys are
going to be the next leaders of our country.

Do you mind making a little more sense
before you take over?

You just worked out a deal where everybody
gets the kind of girl they want.

So, you didn't need the computer, right?

I guess not.

I wonder if your generation has got every
guy my age running around in circles.

I'd like to keep talking to you, Uncle
Charley, but I have to check out my new day.

I'd give you a little advice on how not to
hurt their feelings and to mind your

manners, but I don't think I want to get involved.

Goodbye.

Other people may be frightened by your
dog, even though you know he's friendly.

So what we have to do is teach our dog the proper behavior.

I couldn't find anything to bring this time.

Well, I got something worked out for you.

What?

Did you ever hear of a dog pound?

Uh-uh.

Well, I'll explain later.

Here.

Bet your parents will let you keep him.

Hey, mister, I think I'm going to cry.

Miss Mason, I'm Chip Douglas, Angela's
date for the computer picnic.

Fine, won't you come in, Chip?

Angela's studying right in there, Chip.

Angela, you have company.

Hi, Angela.

My name's Chip Douglas.

Hi, Chip.

My name's Chip Douglas.

Marv called to tell me I'd been traded.

Boy, I hate to embarrass you, but you're
even better looking than in your picture.

Thanks.

Boy, I bet we'll have a ball at the picnic.

You won't want to go with me, Chip.

What's the matter?

You'll understand when you come to this side of the desk.

A skiing accident.

It'll be on for two months, so if you want
to back out of the picnic, start backing.

Look, we might not win the potato sack
race, but I only go to picnics to eat anyway.

Really?

No kidding.

You'll be the first to find my cab.

Stay tuned.

This is Nice Mornings continues with My
Three Sons in TV Land.

My Three Sons in TV Land.

All right, huh?

Yeah.

Well, I don't think it proved much.

Angela and I didn't have one thing in common.

We got along great.

Every Sunday it looks like we got hit with
a blizzard around here.

Where's the sports section?

Dad's got it over his face.

How do you like that?

He's got the box.

Oh, it's on the other side.

I'll get it.

Charley, what are you doing?

That's him.

That's him.

Finally.

Did you give my boy this puppy, young man?

Yeah, but he had his shots and everything.

What is it, Ernie?

Well, that $3 was for the parent,
so I could get this little kid a dog.

On account he kept showing up with rabbits
and chickens and junk.

He didn't bite him or anything, did he, mister?

Oh, no, son.

We've been looking all over the neighborhood to thank you.

It was one of the most unselfish acts I've
come across in a long time.

Well, we finally found him, Roger.

Yeah, what's your name, mister?

Ernie.

That's your name from now on.

Come on, Ernie, come on.

Well, thank you for dropping by.

Thank you for having such a son.

I'll.

Just shake your hand.

Why, come on, you guys.

Boy, that was great.

You were great.

Well, what are we going to do?

Stick around.

I'd be glad to.

There's another episode of My Three Sons
straight ahead on TV Land's Twice as Nice Morning.

We'll be right back.