08x09 - Designing Woman

[bunniefuu]

Every time Dad takes a trip, it seems like
I always get to give me a suitcase to carry.

Look how it's building up your muscles.

A couple of years ago, I would have said, hey, me.

I think you're just taking advantage of me.

I'll say my goodbyes now, Steve.

I've got to put this house in order.

Okay, goodbye, Charlie.

Goodbye.

Are there any last-minute instructions
before you leave, Dad?

Well, Katie, I would like you and Robbie
to keep an eye on things for me.

Are those the things, Dad?

Yeah.

I'd appreciate it if you'd take over my
role with Chip and Ernie while I'm gone.

Give Charlie a chance to relax.

He's pretty busy with this new house, you know.

You mean you want us to act as parents?

Well, you could put it that way, yeah.

Well, I've got a plane to catch.

That'd give us great practice for our future family.

Well, now, don't get too psychological
about the whole thing, Rob.

Just give Charlie a hand, huh?

Oh, Dad, wait a second.

How are we going to get him to respect our authority?

Oh.

Chip and Ernie.

Now, look, I want you fellas to listen to Katie
and Robbie while I'm up in San Francisco, okay?

Why?

Well, they get pretty boring, Dad.

All they talk about is drinks and casseroles and junk.

That means that we'll be taking over for them, Ernie.

Like our parents?

If you guys have a problem or something,
you can come to us.

Well, I've got a problem, Dad.

Could you stay for a minute while I practice on Rob?

Well, make it quick, Ernie.

Well, the Deerings have drove to Palm Springs
and... The Deerings have driven to Palm Springs.

Boy, is he going to be correcting my
English or listening to my problem?

A little of both, I hope, Ernie.

Well, I've got to go.

Okay.

Go on, Dad.

Call you when I get there.

Have a nice time, Dad.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Uh, Ernie, what's the problem?

Well, since Gordon Deering's gone and he's the
only friend I have, I don't have anyone to play with.

Oh.

Uh, well, we've only been in California a short time.

You'll be meeting some new people.

Yeah, well, in that same short time we've been
here, you got married and Chip has about 42 girlfriends.

Well, uh, it'll work out, Ernie.

Believe me.

I didn't want to say anything, but I
don't think Robbie's ready to be our father.

You'll do.

Do what?

What's your name, kid?

Ernie.

Mine's Mike.

Well, nice to know you.

You want to be friends?

Not especially.

I'm looking for a kid the right size.

I'm about the same as you.

It's this way, kid.

I need practice throwing rocks.

I and Miss Tony Bonetti had good foot this morning.

Well, maybe we can go somewhere after
school and throw a tin can.

That ain't the same.

As what?

As throwing at a live kid.

You can't throw rocks at me.

I wear glasses.

Take them off.

I have to see you.

You don't have to see me.

That's logical.

Still.

We'll put a coffee can on top of your
head, and I'll knock it off with the rock.

Mike, I need to meet some new kids,
but this sounds a little extreme.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

Anytime I miss and hit you, you can belt me one.

Fair?

Fair.

Good.

See you outside after school.

I'll bring the rocks and the coffee can.

Yeah, and I'll bring the bandages.

So that's what Dad said.

Katie and I will be taking over in the
child-raising department.

Are you sure you know what you're in for?

I've been their brother for years.

There shouldn't be anything I can't handle.

You dreamer, you.

Beautiful.

What was that?

That's just what I'm going to ask.

Whoever was on the phone, I'm going to ask.

You're on the other end of this rock.

Hi, everybody.

This here's my new friend, Mike.

Hi.

You must be the one that filled my
meatballs with broken glass.

I didn't mean to hit the window.

Well, I didn't think so.

I was just trying to knock the coffee can
off for Ernie's head.

With a rock?

Mike, do you live around here?

Yeah, over on the next block.

Mike's got all sorts of neat stuff over his house.

BB g*ns, firecrackers, and two jars full
of old lizard heads.

Well, look, boys, if you promise to lay
off the BB g*ns and the firecrackers,

I think I'll let you go on and play, okay?

Gee, thanks.

Come on, Mike.

That kid is troubled with a capital T.

He didn't even say goodbye.

Hello?

Oh, hiya, Steve.

You there already?

I'll get her on the extension.

I just wanted to let you know I arrived
here today in one piece.

Hi, Dad.

You ought to know that everything's going just fine.

Except for the busted window, I'm not
going to say another word.

What was that about a busted window?

A slight accident, Dad.

Everything's under control.

My meatballs are full of broken glass,
but don't let me butt in.

Am I wrong, or is Charlie describing a minor catastrophe?

Ernie is going around with a future
convict, but my mouth is closed.

Robbie, what's going on?

Ernie found a new friend named Mike, and
Uncle Charley and Mike didn't happen to hit it off.

Well, are you sure this boy's all right for Ernie?

Now, listen, Dad.

It's nothing to worry about.

I told him to lay off the BB g*ns and the firecrackers.

Now, I don't want to run up your phone,
Bill, so just relax, okay?

So long.

Rob?

Charley?

Boy, it sure is nice of you to play catch with me, Chip.

It's okay.

A sensitive kid like me can't stand to be alone.

Well, you got your new friend, Mike.

Yeah.

He's coming over pretty soon.

You won't hate him, will you, Chip?

Any friend of yours is a friend of mine, Ernie.

Hey, Ernie.

Hey, Mike.

This is my brother, Chip.

Pleased to meet you, Mike.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I brought over some slingshots so we
could take a little target practice, Ernie.

Hey, you guys shouldn't go around breaking bottles.

Maybe you ought to tell your good brother
to go in the house, Ernie.

I don't want any bottles broken in our backyard.

I knew you'd start to hate him, Chip.

Hey, kid.

Mike, you're going to have to leave.

Who's going to make me?

Why don't you go on?

Don't come back until you know how to act.

Boy, thanks, Chip.

No, I don't have any friends at all.

Again.

I just don't think Ernie should go around
with Mike anymore.

You really think Mike's that bad, huh, Chip?

He's sure not any good for Ernie.

Okay, Chip.

You're a real Arnold Benedict.

That's Benedict Arnold.

No, it isn't.

Arnold Benedict is a kid in my class that snitches on me.

A lot.

I was worried about you.

I think that if both Chip and Uncle Charley are opposed to
Mike, you know, Katie, what worries me is total rejection.

Yes.

Yes, you're right.

One has security, us, and the other,
who knows what his home is like.

All I know is Mike's a rotten kid.

Oh, not really, Chip.

He just has this fetish for breaking glass.

Yes.

Where's Ernie?

He was just here.

Mike simply seems to be a boy's boy.

There's a strong drive there.

There's a stimulus behind every strong drive.

Mike's a rotten kid, that's all.

Hey, Ernie, please stay away, girl.

We're trying to work this thing out.

You know, I can't help but feel we should
give Mike another chance.

Well, it's a reward syndrome, sort of.

Sounds like a little instinctive
motherhood coming through, Katie.

I think you're being too lenient.

Mike's just plain old rotten.

I think Katie's right.

We should listen to Ernie's views.

Ernie, where...

Hey, where's Ernie?

Ernie?

Ernie?

Ernie?

With acting parents, we have to take in all opinions.

Well, sometimes a parent has to exert a
despotic sort of authority.

Mike's a rotten kid.

Hey, Ernie, try to stay awake until we
solve your problem, huh?

Ernie?

Hey, Ernie?

Ernie?

What's happening?

What's all the noise about?

The sun's not even up yet.

Someone's yelling out front.

Ernie?

Hey, Ernie?

Ernie?

Oh, Robbie, you have to come here.

Ernie?

Look at that.

Look at that sweet, innocent face.

Are you kidding?

That's Mike.

People won't believe that an angelic face
like that belongs to a bad little boy.

Mike, there's a key under the mat.

Let yourself in the front door and I'll
send Ernie right down.

Thanks, lady.

Hey, nobody's gonna get mad and send me
home again, are they?

No, Mike, nobody's going to send you home.

Well, I hope we're doing the right thing.

We are, honey.

I'm sure of it.

Ernie!

Did you do that, you little monster?

Uncle Charley, maybe you can explain.

What do you mean, he?

She means you, you little delinquent.

I may be a delinquent or something, but I ain't no he.

I'm a she.

She?

My name is Michelle.

Mike is a girl?

That's right, Steve.

We found that out right after she blew up the vase.

Well, Mike sounds like a problem child in either gender.

Well, there has to be something to cause
her to behave like that, Dad.

Oh, hi, Katie.

You're on, too, huh?

Yeah, she's in the living room.

I'm upstairs, Dad.

We just wanted to get your views on all this
before we go ahead and try to solve this situation.

Rob, you're not getting too psychological
about this now, are you?

We're all worried about Mike now, Steve.

I feel terrible about hollering at a little girl like that.

Uncle Charlie's a little guilty.

I am not guilty.

I just feel terrible.

What has Ernie got to say about all this?

Ernie hates Mike now that she's a girl.

I know it sounds stupid for us to get all involved, Steve.

Uncle Charlie is reacting to a guilt feeling.

He's just being psychological, Steve.

Robbie, Charlie, could you debate after we
get off the long-distance rates?

I'm appointing Katie as spokesman for this
committee, if the rest of you don't mind.

Dad, it's simply that we're worried about a
mixed-up little girl, and we don't know what to do.

Katie, you just use your common sense,
and I'm sure you can work this thing out.

And if you need anything, call me.

Again.

Alone.

All.

These puzzles say even a child can do them,
but they don't tell you the child has to be a genius.

Ernie!

Ernie!

Ernie, that sounds like your friend Mike.

Everybody forgets I'm back to not having any friends.

Hi, lady, can Ernie come out and play?

I'll see Mike.

Ernie, Mike wants you to come out and play.

Well, I'm not going around with any girl.

Hey, listen, Ernie.

Tell her I got the bubonic plague.

Or an allergy.

Mike, Ernie can't play right now.

You mean he won't?

Ernie.

Mom, I just made up.

Robbie, we're going to have to do something about Mike.

Like what?

Like find out why she wears boys' clothes.

What makes her so hostile, and at the same
time so pathetic.

Yeah.

We have to get Ernie to accept her.

I'm afraid that little girl isn't accepted by anyone.

That would mean somebody would have to go
in there and investigate her home life.

How sweet of you.

Here's what I think you better do.

Come on in, Douglas.

Well, well, well, it sure is nice meeting
one of Ernie's family.

You know, I've heard a lot about him.

Nice meeting you, Mr. Conner.

Oh, call me Jack.

Oh, you can have your discussion with Mike
as soon as that football game is over.

We watch the pros every Sunday.

It's kind of a family tradition.

Well, what do you think, buddy?

Ernie's brother dropped over to see you.

Yeah, we've got to watch the game, Jack.

Yeah, Mike calls me Jack most of the time.

Pretty cute, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

The defensive line is really red-dogging.

That quarterback better start throwing some short passes.

Ain't that something?

Mike's only nine years old, and I bet she could
quarterback a pro team with the best of them.

Right, Tiger?

Right, Jack.

Ain't she something, huh?

Yeah, just great.

Robbie's at Mike's right now, and he's
going to bring her back here.

You guys used to hate Mike.

Now she's a girl.

She's supposed to be neat or something.

Girls have more feelings than boys.

They're different.

I knew they were different back about in first grade.

Uncle Charley means that if you're nice to
Mike, maybe we can help her.

Well, do I have to play with her?

We don't want to force you, Ernie, but you really ought to.

Well, if you're not going to force me,
then I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to do it.

What do you mean you're not going to do it?

How come you don't want to play with Ernie?

Because Ernie doesn't want to play with me.

Well, Ernie will want to play with you now, Mike.

He's discussing it with the family this very minute.

I'll tell you what, Tiger.

Supposing you go over and fool around with
Ernie's for a while, come back about five,

and we'll go bowling.

Okay, but if Ernie doesn't want to play
with me, I'll smack him in the ear.

Hey, watch it, buddy.

Run along.

Robbie, I have to talk to you.

Excuse me, Mike.

Ernie's gone.

He said, give me Liberty or give me death,
but don't give me any girl, and disappeared.

This isn't good, Katie.

I don't want her to find out she's being rejected again.

What's going on?

Mike, you better come with me.

Robbie will get Ernie.

Is Ernie lost or something?

No, not really, Mike.

You just go with Katie, okay?

What's this for?

Oh, that's my doll.

Had it since I was a little girl.

You mean you still like it now that you're
a lady and everything?

I think all girls like dolls, no matter how old they are.

I don't like them.

Is any of this stuff your husband's?

No, it's all mine.

Who showed you how to use them?

Well, actually, I never thought about it, Mike.

You look like you probably knew how to be
a girl ever since you were born.

No, not really.

Of course, some people don't care about looking
like a girl, even if somebody would show them.

Mike, I want you to see something.

You're not going to believe this.

Take a look at that little girl.

You know who that is?

No.

That's me.

Boy, you sure are terrible looking then.

Wasn't I?

You didn't know how to act like a girl or anything.

That's right, Dad.

I found out what makes Mike the way she is.

Tell him about her old man not knowing how to raise a girl.

Tell him we think we can help her.

I can hear what's being said in the background.

Rob, I'm pretty well filled in on the situation up to now.

The problem is, Dad, we can't find Ernie and we need him.

Tell him we think if Ernie accepts Mike, she'll be okay.

Tell him I'm going to call the police if
we don't find Ernie.

I heard what they said.

Rob, I think you have the problems reversed.

First find Ernie and then help the little girl.

I was getting suffocated in there.

You heard us talking to your dad, and
you knew you'd better come out, right?

Rob, I was going stir-crazy in there.

By the way, Dad, we found Ernie.

So I hear.

Listen, young man, Mike's with Katie, and
we want you to go in there and be nice to her.

Well, give me Liberty or give me Dad.

Don't give me... Ernie, cut it out.

Oh, sure, hang on.

Ernie, Dad wants to talk to you.

Come on, go on, talk to your dad.

Come on, hurry up.

Come on, move.

Come on.

Do I have to go in there, Dad?

All the guys will call me Loverboy Douglas.

Ernie, all we're asking is that you be
nice to a little girl.

It doesn't mean that you have to marry her.

Hey, that's right.

Boy, you sure understand.

I understand kids, Dad.

Thanks, Ernie.

Now, say goodbye to everyone for me,
and tell Charley I'll be home tomorrow.

Okay.

Goodbye, Dad.

Well, I'm going to go in there and be nice to Mike.

How did he get you to do that so quickly?

Well, with all you guys being parents and
everything, I was getting mixed up.

Plus, Dad knows how to handle me.

Hey, Mike.

Ernie, I'd like you to meet Michelle.

I'm sorry, Ernie.

I don't think I'd like to play with boys
right now, thank you.

Well, look who's here.

Well.

Well.

All ready to go, Ernie, huh?

Yeah.

She's going to have her dad drive her over here.

Then you get to take us to the dance.

Lucky you.

No, that's fine, Ernie.

I'm so pleased you're taking Michelle, Ernie.

Shows real maturity.

Yeah.

Well, I guess that's my date.

I'll be right with you, Ernie.

Are you ready, Ernie?

Yeah.

Well, let's go.

Well, it may not be the love of the
century, but it's a start.

Tomorrow night, TV Land invites you to
experience the Masked Man in Vertivision.

Ah.


Ranger, back-to-back, all night long.

Tomorrow night, starting at 8 O'clock
Eastern, 5 Pacific, only in TV Land.

♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪.