08x11 - The Heartbeat

[bunniefuu]

I'm pretty busy right now, Connie.

I have to tell you something.

What?

Well, since you and I are kind of going around
together, you can take me to the Jim Dandy next week.

Well, what's that?

It's a dance we have every year in the boys' gym.

A dance?

Wait a minute.

Who said we're going around again?

Remember when you gave me your picture?

Yeah.

You know what that means.

I'll probably be here about 15 minutes, Sylvia.

I'm real thirsty.

I just wanted to tell you that you get to
take me to the Jim Dandy next week, Ernie.

Hey, Sylvia, I'll give you back a keychain
with a skull on it if you give me back my pen.

Your pen means a lot to me, Ernie.

I don't even write with it.

Remember, the Jim Dandy is next week.

Before everybody starts doing their
important job, can I ask a question?

Sure, and what is it?

Well, if a kid trades a girl a picture of himself
for three candy bars, does it mean anything?

Well, I'd say that depends on the girl.

Well, what if the same kid traded another girl
his ballpoint pen for a keychain with a skull on it?

Well, what's the point, Ernie?

Well, you probably figured out I'm the kid
who traded that stuff.

Now I've got two girls.

That's looking at me real weird.

I'd say you were burning the candle at both ends.

I'm real terrible with those old sayings, Uncle Charley.

He means you exchanged trinkets with two
girls, and the girls probably took it as

an indication that you were, well, sort of going steady.

Well, I say it's pretty normal in your age group, Ernie.

Well, I'm never going to be in that kind of age group.

Well, excuse me.

I'm too worried to eat anymore.

Well, Ernie, you're not too worried to
finish your milk, huh?

And you've got to leave for school in ten minutes.

I know.

That's another thing I'm worried about.

Why?

It's the worst thing I've ever been in,
and I'm not even 12.

Ernie's at that awful in-between age.

He's just about to like girls, but he still hates them.

It's a big problem for a little kid like him.

What makes you such an expert on Ernie's problems?

Well, I remember going through the in-between.

I'm in the in-between age myself,
just like I was yesterday.

Me too.

You don't have to be quiet, Chip.

I'm still awake.

You are?

Yeah.

I've been staring at the ceilings.

Do you know how boring ceilings are?

You're bugged, huh?

Yeah.

You want to talk to me about it?

Well, I would, but you'll probably kid me.

No, I won't.

Well, this is a real horrible thing,
so I can't stand to be kidding.

Go ahead.

Okay.

Well, I told you about those things I
traded to those girls, right?

Right.

Now they both asked me to go to this
school dance called the Jim Dandy next week.

Both of them?

I told you it was horrible.

Well, I guess you don't want to go with either one.

Well, that's a good guess.

Well, first of all, Ernie, you can't give girls junk if
you don't expect them to think that you like them.

I figured that out already.

Now, if you don't want to go to the dance, you have to
explain to them that you didn't know anything about it.

You're not the dancing type.

You mean tell the truth?

Well, sure.

You got to be honest and polite.

Well, just go right on up and tell them, Sorry,
girls, I won't be able to accept your invitation.

Well, try it on them one at a time.

Gee, thanks, Chip.

What, are you really trying to help me?

That's what big brothers are for.

Boy, I'm sure glad I got somebody like you
watching out for me.

Yeah.

Well, you better shut up and go to sleep.

Romeo, Romeo.

Oh, Romeo, Romeo.

Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Oh, Romeo, Romeo.

Refuse.

Give thy name, or, if thou wilt not, be but
sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet.

Huh?

That's Shakespeare.

We're doing the balcony scene.

On account we're going steady.

Connie, I've been meaning to talk to you
about going to the dance.

How come we're doing Shakespeare when we
haven't had Romeo and Juliet yet in class?

Well, they made us go see it last year in
Bryant Park before we moved to California.

Well, it's your dream.

It's just until you pick me up for the Jim Dandy dance.

Blessed, blessed night.

I am afeard.

Meaning at night, all this is but a dream.

But a dream.

But a dream.

Staring at the ceiling again, huh?

Yeah.

How did I let one whole day go by and I
chickened out with both those girls?

I guess I'm one of those gutless wonders.

What are you doing?

Writing you out a nice, polite speech.

You memorize it.

I think it'll get you off the hook.

Boy, that should be a relief.

What did you say, Ernie?

I, uh... Hello there, Connie.

There comes a time when honesty...

Hello there, Connie.

I don't know what you're doing,
but I've got to go to class.

You're in a hurry, huh?

Yes.

Okay, I'll do it my way.

I can't go to the gym dandy with you, so forget it.

Hello there, Sylvia.

There comes a time when honesty...

Oh, what?

Boy, the chips are right terrible.

What?

Hello there, Sylvia.

Ernie, what are you reading?

Oh, something my brother wrote for me.

I sure wish he typed it.

Thanks, Adele.

I've got to go to class.

No, no, wait.

Sylvia, get somebody else to go to the gym dandy with you.

I got other things to do.

Well, I was supposed to be plighter than
that, but I didn't have a chance to memorize it.

Well?

Well, he did it the hard way, but I'm glad
you told him the truth.

Yeah.

Well, I'll never do that again as long as I live.

Hey, and thanks for helping me.

Yeah.

Well, I've got to go to the library.

See you tonight.

See ya.

Are.

You Ernie Douglas?

Yes, ma'am.

Well, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Yes, ma'am.

I thought you were going to the gym dandy with me.

Me, Ernie.

Now, why would you let on you would take my
Connie to the dance, and now you say you won't?

Well, I don't think I have a reason you'd like.

Then I think you should take Connie to the
gym dandy as you promised.

Don't you?

Yes, ma'am.

Hello.

Just a moment, please.

Daddy's going to take care of it, honey.

You go to bed.

Steve Douglas, this is Jim Walters.

I'm the father of one of your son's classmates.

Oh, well, which one, Jim?

Robbie, Chip, or Ernie?

Ernie.

Steve, we've got a problem here regarding
Ernie and my little girl, Sylvia.

Oh?

Well, Jim, I'm afraid you'll have to fill me in.

I've been a little busy around here, I guess.

I don't know what's going on.

Well, Steve, it's just this.

Sylvia and Ernie were scheduled to attend
a dance together Friday night,

and all of a sudden, Ernie backed out.

Well, that doesn't sound like Ernie, but I
will say he's not particularly partial to dancing.

Well, Steve, the girl's crying about the whole thing,
my wife's upset, and I'm out $24 for a new party dress.

And you say Ernie just canceled out
without any warning, huh?

I see.

Well, Ernie doesn't usually do things like that, but,
well, it seems this time he's definitely in the wrong.

Now, will you have my word, Jim?

Ernie will take your daughter to that dance.

It was awful.

Oh, Connie was just about to cry, and her
mom was looking all mad and everything.

So you gotta take her?

Yeah.

Well, I know you don't want to go, but it could be worse.

How?

What if you had to take Connie and Sylvia, too?

What's that, Uncle Charlie?

Hey, let's be friends.

Before you guys got up, here's your lunches.

And, Ernie, you'd better eat it.

I can't eat, Uncle Charlie.

I'm gonna take that Connie farmer to the dance.

Yeah?

Well, you want to be the only kid in
history to starve to death over a girl?

Better come on, Ernie.

We're gonna be late.

Watch the crosswalks.

Okay.

Hello?

Charlie?

Oh, hiya, Steve.

Hey, Ernie wasn't up when I left the house.

I left the house this morning, and, uh...

Well, I got a phone call last night that involves
him, and I, uh, sort of wanted to talk to him about it.

Well, it keeps, Steve, the kids erect
about having to take some girl to a dance.

Well, that's what I wanted to talk to him about.

He seemed pretty upset, huh?

I guess so.

He just left here looking like a dime's worth of salvage.

Well, I'll just have to get into it when I
get home tonight, then.

Boy, I didn't think we'd have girl problems
with Ernie for at least another couple of months.

Are you sure she's not in school?

I haven't seen her.

Hey, Sylvia, have you seen Connie Farmer?

No.

Did you have a talk with your father
last night about... Well, you know.

Maybe she took off with a band of gypsies.

Who?

Connie Farmer?

No.

I heard in the homeroom that she's homesick.

Oh, boy, is that neat.

Ernie, what an awful thing to say.

Well, it's too bad she's sick.

Is it something that lasts long?

I don't know.

So long, Sylvia.

Ernie, wait a minute.

Hey, Chip, I don't think I'm going to have
to go to the dance after all.

Well, now what happened?

I was looking all over Connie to see if I could make her hate
me so she wouldn't know I had to go to the dance with me.

And I couldn't find her anywhere.

And here comes the good part.

She's sick at home.

Ernie, that's terrible.

No, it's great.

I mean, if she's sick tomorrow, she won't be able
to go to the school dance with me tomorrow night.

Did we miss something while we were studying?

Yeah, you missed a lot.

But it looks like it's all over now.

I'm just going to relax.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Dad.

Well, you all look very comfortable.

Well, we just finished our finals.

Chip's doing nothing and Ernie's
celebrating the disease of some girl.

Well, I wish I could join you,
but I have a little work to do.

I'm going to go upstairs before the disease of some girl.

Incidentally, speaking of girls, about Sylvia Walters.

How'd you know about her?

Well, her father called last night about that dance.

It seems Sylvia is very upset that you
broke your date with her.

So I assured her father that you'd take her.

But, Dad.

I'm sorry, Ernie.

Normally, we'd talk this over,
but this time you were definitely wrong.

I mean, you did ask her to go to the dance and
then suddenly called the whole thing off, right?

You sort of did, Dad.

Ernie, right is right.

And I'm sure Sylvia can't be that bad.

I wonder how tall you have to be to join
the Foreign Legion.

So stay tuned.

So, my dad will pick you up at 7 O'clock.

Yeah.

The gym down to you is going to be so much fun, Ernie.

Yeah.

I've got a brand new dress.

I hope you like it.

Yeah.

Okay, Ernie.

I'll see you tonight.

Yeah.

Hi, Ernie.

Connie, you're supposed to be sick.

I was only out of school yesterday because
I had a dental appointment.

You look like you got a fever.

Yeah, you better go home and call the doctor.

Ernie, don't be silly.

Ernie, I just wanted to tell you that my mom... Mom will
be around at 7 O'clock to pick you up for the gym dandy.

Oil, oil, oil.

Ernie, did you hear what I said?

Yeah.

I'll see you tonight, then.

Yeah.

Oh?

Put him on.

Ernie, are you all right?

Well, first I have no date, then I have
one date, then I have two dates,

then I have no date, then I have one date, then I
have two dates, then, of course, I'm Chinese water t*rture.

Now, wait a minute.

Take it easy, will you?

Well, Connie's mother and Sylvia's father are coming to
pick me up at the same time, and I'm going to get creamed.

Ernie, would you like to meet me at home,
and we'll see if we can work this thing out?

Oh, boy, would I, Dad?

Well, thanks a lot.

I'm desperate.

What's he doing now, Rob?

He's just sitting, staring at the television.

Well, if he's looking at television,
he can't be very upset.

It's a set he hasn't turned on.

Well, this is one of those things that might
seem silly to us, but to Ernie, it's a disaster.

I said that a long time ago.

Still no luck, huh, Kate?

I've been trying both numbers,
Dad, and there's just no answer.

Well, it's 6.30.

I suppose they'll be along here any minute.

All we can do is explain the problem to
the parents when they get here.

Hey, how can you walk out on a crisis?

I'll be back.

I'm afraid this is one of those traumatic situations
that just might stay with Ernie for the rest of his life.

Why don't you forget the Freud and come up
with a solution for the kid?

Well, excuse me.

Poor Dad.

He'd do all the talking.

When it comes right down to it,
he has to do the difficult part.

Ernie, I know this isn't pleasant for you, but
what is something you've gotten yourself into?

And as I said, you're going to have to
take one of the girls to the dance.

Now, when they come to the door, I'll just explain to
one of them that there's been a little mix-up around here.

Believe me, Ernie, when you look back on
this later, you'll die laughing.

I'm going to get creamed.

Well.

Hello.

You must be Mr. Douglas.

Yes, I am.

I came for Ernie.

Oh, yes.

Come right in, won't you?

Now, uh, Sylvia.

Sylvia.

I'm Connie Farmer.

Oh, yes.

Well, Connie, I'd like to talk to you about tonight.

Isn't Ernie ready yet, Mr. Douglas?

Oh, yes, yes.

He's ready, but...

Excuse me.

Hello.

I'm Sylvia Walters.

Oh, yes.

I'm, uh, I'm Ernie's dad.

Come in, won't you?

Connie?

What are you doing here?

I was just going to ask you that.

Now, girls... Hi, everybody.

Oh, hello, Chip.

Chip, this is Connie Farmer and Sylvia Walters.

This is my son, Chip.

Hi.

Now, girls... We had a big mix-up around here, and if Connie
wouldn't mind, I'd like to be her escort to the dance.

Well, since my dad's a chaperone,
and I'm sure he wouldn't mind...

How old are you, Chip?

Fifteen.

Fifteen.

Oh, neat.

That'd be charming.

Well, excuse me.

Come on, Ernie.

We've got a dance to go to.

Yeah.

What's that?

Hi, Sylvia.

Come on.

You're behind, fellas.

Have a good time.

Hi, hi, Ernie.

Hi, Dad.

Well, the dance is over, huh?

Yeah.

Boy, if I ever look like I'm going to give
a girl something that's going to make me

go steady with her, lock me in a closet or something.

Okay.

Where's Chip?

He's coming in the other car with Connie.

Oh.

Boy, he's not only stuck with Connie, he's got her father.

And he's one of those guys who tells everyone
how the girls used to chase him in the olden days.

Ernie, I, uh... I hope you appreciate what you've done.

What Chip did for you tonight.

Yeah.

If he was my sister, I'd kiss him or something.

Night, Dad.

Good night, Ernie.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, hi, Chip.

You didn't have to wait up.

We were chaperoned half to death.

Oh, I didn't wait up.

I was just reading.

How'd it go?

Okay.

Well, good night.

Uh, Chip, wait a minute.

Chip, do you, uh, know what empathy is?

Something like sympathy, only more of it, isn't it?

Yeah, something like that.

It has to do with putting yourself completely into
the other fellow's problem, which you did tonight.

Yeah.

I know that terrible feeling you get when you think you're
gonna be sick and you sweat and your mouth gets all dry.

Yeah, we all know the feeling.

But the thing is, you did something about it.

And I just wanted to tell you we're proud of you.

You had to love your brother to do what you did.

Boy, Dad.

I know, Chip.

We're all a little coy about the world.

We're in love around here.

But genuine affection between the members
of a family is really quite a wonderful thing.

Hey, I just thought of something.

Margaret Osterman didn't have anything to
write with in the test yesterday.

So what?

I think I gave her an engagement pencil.

Dad, I think I'm gonna spoil everything you
just now said and belt him with something.

Well, you'll get him with something soft, will you?

I mean, he's had a hard night.

What about me?

Ernie, next time you get yourself out.

Stay tuned.

My Three Sons in Birdavision continues next
with guest star Zsa Zsa Gabor right here in TV Land.