08x16 - Liverpool Saga

[bunniefuu]

Dan, does he have to do that right now?

Well, that's a reasonable question, Chip.

Ernie?

Yeah, Dad?

The Chip wants to know if you have to do that right now.

Well, sure.

How do you learn?

I'll let you practice.

That's your question, Chip?

How do you learn?

I'll let you practice.

Come on.

Ernie?

Yeah, Dad?

Is something bothering Chip lately?

I mean, he seems to have lost his sense of
humor the last few days.

Hey, it's the test.

Ernie?

Yeah, Dad?

Come here a minute, will you?

What test are you talking about?

His driving test.

He's afraid the driving guy will clobber
him when he has to drive around the block.

Oh, well, he shouldn't worry about that.

I think the driving inspectors are quite fair.

Yeah.

Only all the guys get real nervous when
they have that driving around the block joke.

There's a kid in my class that's got a brother who ran
over the inspector guy's foot before he got in the car here.

He fainted and everything.

Uh, who fainted?

Well, the guy.

Ernie, would you mind giving a name to
your personal pronouns?

Now, which guy fainted?

The man who had his foot run over or the boy?

Well, the man.

The boy just passed out.

How about that?

Well, that's fine.

Fine.

Hey, Chip, you ate about nine minutes ago.

Will you cut that?

What's he doing in there?

k*lling chickens?

Somebody talked him into joining the
orchestra at school for extra credit.

I think it's wonderful that he can pick up a
new instrument like that and do even that well.

You do?

Well, I think it's dumb.

Did I say something wrong?

No, he's all nervous about that driving
test he's going to take in a few days.

Hey, Rob, I just had an idea.

Huh?

Why don't I take my driving test the same time Chip does?

You know, I said I should be able to drive.

It would help Chip if he thought that someone
else is going through the same t*rture he is.

What a wonderful idea.

All right.

I'll study the written stuff, and tomorrow
you can teach me to drive.

What?

Huh?

Drive?

T-T-2.

Nightmare.

It's a nightmare.

Under the California law, you must never
drive faster than is safe.

All right, all right, all right.

I made one little mistake, and you yell at
me until half the neighborhood can hear.

One little mistake.

One little mistake.

Right.

One little mistake and five big ones.

Where are you going?

Upstairs, if you think I'm capable of
negotiating the turns.

What was the little mistake?

She tried to turn left in the garage.

Turn left in the garage?

Chip, you stay out of this.

You're the one who started the whole thing.

What did I say?

Chip, you don't make fun of a guy's wife
when she tries to turn left in the garage.

All I'm trying to do is get a driving license.

Why does everybody have to get in on it?

I was going with a girl once, and I was teaching
her to drive my brand new air-cooled Franklin.

And you know what she did?

She ran it into a cow.

A cow?

Yeah, and in order to run into a cow,
you had to leave the highway, break down a

fence, cross a ditch, knock down a farmer,
and back into a bull.

She did them all.

I think it had something to do with me
never getting married.

Honey, maybe you just weren't cut out for it.

After one lesson.

Oh, Rob, sometimes you can be ridiculous.

Well, look, some people never do learn how to drive.

Like, maybe Hyphus wouldn't be so good
playing the trombone.

Hi, Dad.

Hyphus could have played the trombone if
anybody would want him to.

Not after one lesson.

I could drive a car.

I had a teacher that didn't holler at me.

Every time I stalled the thing.

Katie, you don't stall a thing.

You stall the engine.

Kids.

And you stalled it 40 times in the driveway alone.

You said yourself that if I gave it too
much gas, I'd sh**t into the street.

Well, it's better to stall than sh**t into
the street, isn't it?

Kids.

Well, we never got to the street.

Ernie, will you quit that?

You don't have to pick on Ernie just because he...

Dad, would you teach me to drive?

Oh, now, Katie, I'm sure you and Robbie can work this out.

Dad, I love her, and I want to keep it that way.

She's had her last drive.

It's a driving lesson for me.

Would you do it, Dad?

Well, sure, I guess so, Katie.

When?

Now?

You'll see I'm not half as dumb as Rob says I am.

Please?

Katie, it may be a little easier to start the thing with E.

I've been around cars all my life,
so I know a little bit about them.

But you act as if I came from another planet or something.

Okay.

Tell me even the silly little things that
you know I already know.

Okay, Katie.

Now, of course, you know the first thing
you do is put the key in the ignition.

Aren't you going to get in?

Well, I can show you right from here, Katie.

Oh, please?

Okay.

Now, this is the ignition, and this is the
brake, and this is the gas.

You want me to start it again?

Yeah, I think that would be a good idea.

Away we go.

Katie,

you see, I didn't put it in gear.

That's another confusing thing.

It says R and D.

It sounds like a prescription or something.

Well, of course, the R means reverse,
and the D is for drive, right in the head.

What are you doing now?

Well, starting over.

I think a complete sequence makes more sense, don't you?

I'll tell you, Katie, why don't I get in
the driver's seat, and I can show you?

Oh, no.

I've seen other people drive.

Now I've actually got to do it.

Okay.

Now, key on.

All right.

Put it into D.

Give it a little gas, and away we go.

Why aren't we moving?

Katie, you didn't release the emergency brake.

Right.

You're going to start all over again.

Key on.

Put it into D.

Release the brake.

Give it a little... No.

Right.

Release the brake.

Away we go.

I know you have all that work and
everything, but tomorrow's the driving

test, and I want to sort of pretend you're the driving guy.

That's a good idea, Chip.

Let's go.

Well, I'm not a crack-up like Katie.

I know what I'm doing.

Good.

Show me.

Notice how I put out my hand and everything?

I feel like an astronaut.

Sorry, Dad.

The guy behind me.

Want to see me parking between those two cars, Dad?

I wish you would.

See, Dad, the difference between me and Katie is, well,
I know how wide the car is, how long it is, and all that.

And I have these great reflexes.

And in her age, Katie's reflexes are already jammed up.

Chip, I think we'd better have a little talk.

Now, let me show you how I can get out of here in one move.

You mean that slow?

That slow, Chip.

But that's old lady stuff.

Have you ever noticed how many old ladies
there are still around?

Chip, you drive fast.

And your reflexes are all you say they are.

But, well, a car is still a new thing to you.

So before you have an accident to find
out, just take my word for it.

Speed is treacherous.

I hope that sounded like a lecture because it was.

I'm getting so I can tell the difference.

I'll be careful tomorrow, honest.

Good.

Now, would you mind driving me over to 12th and Forrester?

What's over there?

Well, as near as I can recall,
that's where my hat blew off.

Okay, then.

All right, Charlie.

Oh, hi, Steve.

So, I didn't see Robbie's car out there.

I guess the kids aren't back from their
driving test yet, huh?

No.

I hope Katie didn't run the car and the
inspector up a tree when she took the test.

Well, Katie doesn't have the natural
reflexes that Chip does, but she's very careful.

Well, she'd better be.

She misses the driveway four out of five shots.

Oh, can't we do something about Benny Goodman out there?

This driving test business has got the whole
family on edge without him clobbering the air.

Well, here they come.

Looks like you and me won't be doing much driving
from now on with two new chauffeurs in the family.

I passed!

Look, 100%.

Wonderful, Kate.

She passed the driving part with flying colors, too.

Of course, a couple of smiles in the right
places can do wonders.

How did Chip come out?

I had no idea they were so efficient at the motor vehicle.

How did Chip come out?

Wait till she gets back that convict picture
they took of her for the permanent license.

Well, he didn't give me any time to get set.

He just said, stand there and pull.

He took the picture.

Did anybody ever say how Chip came out?

Does that answer your question?

Well, I can't wait to find out how Chip
does with his driving.

I can't wait to find out how Chip does with his driving.

I sure hope he passes this time.

Oh, yeah, me too.

Have you seen the keys?

Chip has them.

He's using my car to take the test in.

His pal Eddie drove him over until he gets the license.

Oh, I mean the keys to Dad's car.

He said he'd leave it here for me while he played golf.

Oh.

Did you look in there?

Hey, that's my car.

I can tell that door slammed anywhere.

Chip?

Hey, how'd you do?

I got a 95, and the driving part was a cinch this time.

Good.

I'm glad, Chip.

Hey, you guys.

I know we're a creep.

I've been lately.

Listen, Chip.

We were all under a strain.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to take
my car to the library.

See you about dinner time, honey.

Congratulations, Chip.

Thanks.

Bye.

Did Dad say where he was going to leave
the keys to his car?

Yeah, I think they're in here.

Why?

Well, he said if I passed the test, he was going to leave
his car so I could sort of drive around and show the guys.

Oh.

Anything wrong?

Oh, no.

It was just that he said I could take it
to do the shopping.

I guess he forgot.

Listen, you take it, then.

Oh, no.

I've been driving by myself for a couple of days.

You take it.

It's more of a novelty for you.

Okay.

Chip, I have an idea.

Why don't you take the car for an hour or
so, and then I can take it to do the

shopping, and you can take it after that if you want.

Okay, Katie.

Thanks, and bye.

Bye.

So what'd the guys say when you drove up
all by yourself in Dad's car and everything?

They pretended how it wasn't a big deal or anything.

Must be a neat feeling to be driving all by yourself.

Without somebody yelling at you.

Yeah, it's okay.

Well, how long does it take Katie to do her shopping?

I don't know.

She hasn't been doing it long enough for
anybody to time her.

Hey, where you going when you get the car this time?

Past a couple of girls' houses that I know.

Hey, here she comes now.

You better stand back.

She's not too good at staying on our property yet.

Thanks, Chip.

It's all yours.

Have a good time.

Thanks, Katie.

Hey, guy, what a neat scrape.

Scrape?

What scrape?

Right there.

Oh.

Oh, that's too bad, Chip.

When did that happen?

What do you mean, when did that happen?

I didn't do that.

Well, I drove to the market and straight back.

I didn't come within 40 feet of another car.

Well, neither have I.

It had to be you.

Well, he wasn't there when Dad left him.

That makes you guys feel any better.

Really, Chip, I resent your implying that I would
do a thing like that and then try to squirm out of it.

Wait a minute, Katie.

You're making it sound as if I'm lying or something.

Boy, Katie, I've seen you drive.

You could get side-swept by a bus and never even notice it.

A boy who gets a 95 on his written exam shouldn't
accuse a girl who gets a 100 of not knowing how to drive.

Yeah, well, I would have got a 100, too.

Except nobody pays any attention to me when I bat my eye.

I won't dignify that with an answer.

I'm telling you this.

I didn't put the scrape on your father's car.

He didn't do it, so that leaves only one.

You.

Ha!

Your old husband said you tried to turn left in the garage.

He yelled at her.

And she yelled right back at him.

She must have a little Irish in her some way.

Well, I don't like Chip losing his temper at his sister-in-law
and accusing her of things she probably didn't do.

Yeah, well, she did her share of accusing.

Well, at the poker game... Did you win for a change?

Oh, I had a big night, Charlie.



I'm going to have to have a little talk with Chip.

Look, I know I'm no Solomon or anything,
but I say let them settle it themselves.

They had the fight.

The air is clear now.

What did Robbie say?

Oh, I had to do everything but clobber him with
a milk bottle to keep him from going after Chip.

But he's okay now.

Charlie.

Yeah?

You didn't happen to be driving... Me?

I've been walking ever since those two got nearer license.

So I didn't do it, and you didn't do it.

Katie says she didn't do it, and Chip says he didn't do it.

It must have been the tooth fairy.

Good night, Charlie.

Good night, Steve.

Well, you know what?

Now I really feel like one of the family.

No kidding.

How come?

My grandmother has a saying that I never
paid much attention to until now.

She said that there's nothing colder than a
discussion, nothing so full of love as a fight.

Yeah.

Yes, as this is it, Roger.

Congratulations.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

I'm Roy Wells, and this is my fat-headed son, Roger.

He bashed into your car yesterday.

Oh.

You know, the kid just got his driver's license yesterday.

So I, like a dumb clock, told him he can drive the car
down to the market and pick up some cigars for his mother.

Not for her, for some company we're heading over.

Anyway, he takes the car,
drives it down to the market, parks

weird or something, and on the way out, scrapes your car.

About $40 worth of damage, I'd guess.

Fifty.

Possibly.

What did you say your name was?

I didn't say.

My name's Steve Douglas.

This is Mr. O'Casey.

Hi.

Well, the kid here keeps his brains in his
hip pocket or something because after he

hit your car, he went back inside the market.

Well, I went inside the market to get a
piece of paper and pencil.

I was going to write you a note and... Just a minute, boy.

I'll handle this.

Anyway, after he hit your car,
as I said, he goes back inside the market.

Then when he comes back out again with the
paper, your car is gone.

But he remembers your license number.

He gets his memory from me.

So we did a little tracing and, well, here we are.

We may be dumb, but we're honest.

Gosh, Mr. Douglas, I'm awful sorry.

It was an accident.

And I didn't mean to.

I'm sure you didn't, son.

Well, anyway, here's my car.

We'll let the insurance companies handle it.

Thanks for driving by, Roger.

It was a hard thing to do.

Yes, well, my boy here, he'll be grounded for a
month or two until he learns how to drive this car.

Come on, boy, let's go.

Yeah.

I really can't understand the kid.

I taught him how to drive myself.

Thought I had it reversed.

Roger, I just want to say thanks for not
being a creepy father like that man today.

Oh, you mean Mr. Wells?

I think he was just trying to cover up his
own embarrassment, Jim.

Yeah.

Well, you never did anything like that to
us in your whole life.

Just wanted to sort of let you know.

I noticed it.

Thanks.

I think Ernie's improved a lot in the last
few days, don't you?

I think Ernie's improved a lot in the last
few days, don't you?

My Three Sons is twice as nice when you
see it twice, so stay tuned for more

middle-class suburban hijinks on another
episode of My Three Sons, next,

only in TV Land.