08x22 - A Horse for Uncle Charley

[bunniefuu]

I am deeply honored at the privilege of
having breakfast with such a delightful group.

Gee, thanks, Dad.

We feel the same way about you.

I wasn't referring to my immediate family.

Aren't we delightful?

Of course you're delightful, but I was just rehearsing a
speech I have to make at the breakfast club this morning.

Say, why aren't you in school?

Oh, I'm not going today.

My class is going on a field trip.

Big butterfly roundup.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Yeah, they're picking me up out front.

I'd better go get my nap.

I wish I could get Uncle Charley to go along.

He's been really down the dumps these days.

Yeah, I've noticed that myself.

Ernie, here's your sandwich.

Steve, your coffee's getting cold.

Oh, Charley, I won't be having breakfast.

Well, I don't blame you.

Nothing duller than home cooking, especially mine.

Oh, no, no, it isn't that, Charley.

I just forgot to tell you I have to make a
little speech at the breakfast club this morning.

Say, uh... Why don't you go along?

No, thanks.

I gotta catch up on a lot of ironing.

Come on, Ernie, here's your lunch.

Here.

Hey, Uncle Charley, my teacher loves company.

Wanna go butterfly hunting with us up at Mulberry Hill?

That's all I gotta do at my age.

Run around with a butterfly net.

They'd throw one over me.

What do you think's the matter with him, Dad?

Well, Ernie, I think maybe your Uncle
Charley has a case of the household grumps.

Is that bad?

Well, I don't think he'd catch it at the start.

I think what Uncle Charley needs is a change of pace.

Maybe we can figure out something.

Dave Claver, what are you doing in California?

Well, I'm here for the harness racing season.

The Pacers and the Trotters are in town.

Dave, if you came here with the idea
of making another touch... Oh, me?

I came by here, Charley, to pay you that
$300 that I owe you.

Plus 6%.

Now, that's $318.

You know, frankly, Dave, I figured you was a crook.

Oh, well, now that shows how wrong a man can be.

But naturally, my having to go down to Mexico, I
don't have the time to race my horse, Gypsy King.

So you race, so you don't race.

Just get out my $300.

Oh, $318.

Don't forget the interest.

Now, you know what I'm going to do for you?

I'm going to sell you Gypsy King for $418.

Dave, I knew you'd have some money.

I know you've got some kind of an angle going.

Okay, out with it.

Spring the trap.

A trap?

I offer you a beautiful business
opportunity, and you call it a trap?

Now, look, you get the $300 that I owe you
plus the $18, right?

So, therefore, you only owe me $100.

You gotta be kidding.

I owe you $100?

Charley, nobody can fool you.

You know horse flesh.

Now, I'll tell you what you do.

Why don't you come out to the track right
now and see Gypsy King for yourself?

Oh, no deal.

I got too much housework to do.

Housework?

Wouldn't you rather be sitting in a sulky,
driving a handsome pacer around the track?

Well, maybe I could put the housework off till tomorrow.

But remember, I ain't buying.

I still remember what a con artist you are.

I'm just going out there to take a look.

All right.

Come on.

I got to admit, Dave, he's a nice hunk of horse flesh.

Letting him go that cheap, there's got to
be a gimmick somewhere.

Now, let me tell you the honest truth.

If you let Doc Weatherford do your
training, you can't miss.

You'll rake in all the big stakes and make
thousands of dollars clear profit.

Is that on the level, Doc?

Well, I have to be honest with you, Mr. O'Casey.

He is 11 years old, a little past his prime.

Well, Charlie, you know these trainers, they always
have to have some kind of an out for themselves.

Well, we're past our prime a little too, huh?

But we still got the old get up and go, right?

Yeah, I've seen some fair 11-year-old nags.

Yes, well, I don't want to rush you, Charlie, but
I've got to get out of here from Mexico at noon sharp.

Now, here's a transfer of ownership
papers, and all you have to do is sign.

And give you a hundred bucks?

Oh, wait a minute.

Who said I was buying?

Now, just because a horse is good-looking
doesn't mean he can win races.

He might be sore.

And how do I know he don't break?

Tell you what you do.

Take him on the track yourself.

What do you say, Doc?

Can you do it?

It's all right with me, as long as Mr. O
'Casey knows what he's doing.

Love, Doc.

I was racing paces and trotters on the old fair circuit.

This here is a job cart.

It's like riding in your mother's arms.

Hiya, Sonny.

Nice horse.

Thanks, Pop.

Wish I could say as much for that dog.

What kind of a crack is that?

Eleven years old.

What?

I don't know why he's ready for the chickens.

Look, Sonny, horses are like people.

They're as young as they feel.

Come on, let's show them, Gypsy.

Excuse our dust.

You really gonna stick a pal with that bag of bones?

Stick him?

It's a bargain.

For $100 cash, he's lucky to get four horseshoes.

Whoa.

Oh, Charley, I can see that look on your face.

You're 30 years old again, and you're
heading right for the winner's circle.

Yeah, me and Gypsy King, we're a couple of kids again.

Once racing gets in your blood, there's no losing it.

Charley, I've got to leave for Mexico.

I don't want to rush you.

But if you don't want the deal, just forget about it.

Doc here will be very happy to buy Gypsy at that price.

Oh, no, you don't.

Come on, get out those papers.

You got a deal.

That's great.

Doc here will witness yourself.

Signature, and I can leave a happy man,
knowing that I've done a good deed for an old pal.

Okay.

And here's your hundred bucks.

Still got the old grouch bag.

Well, so long, Doc.

Thanks for everything.

Just a minute, Mr. Claiborne.

What about your feed and board bill?

You still owe $75.

Oh, not me.

Talk to the owner.

Hey, I'm not paying your old bills.

Oh, Charlie, are you still fussing over chicken feed?

You're a big man now.

No, you own a racing stable.

You'll win ten times that bill in your first purse.

Well, Charlie, Doc.

Guy, he may be 11 years old, but he
looks more like a two-year-old, just like I feel.

I can't wait till I drive you in the race.

We'll make a great combination.

You drive?

You have a license?

Well, I used to have one back in Indiana.

It might be a little faded by now,
but still ought to be good.

We'd better see the steward to get it
transferred to California.

Well, where's the steward's office?

Just around the corner.

Oh.

And while I'm over there, I'll line up a
good race for my stable.

Stable?

Oh, you mean Gypsy King.

Yeah.

Gypsy King.

I wonder why Uncle Charlie doesn't at
least call and let us know where he is.

And spend a dime on a payphone?

A payphone?

You don't know Uncle Charlie.

Remember when he went to San Francisco?

He carried home the postcards that said,
having a wonderful time.

Hi.

Hi.

How did I make it home in time for dinner?

Plenty of time.

Uncle Charlie isn't even home yet.

Oh.

We haven't heard from him, so I put a
casserole in the oven.

Oh, good.

Maybe he stopped off at the Oaks Club just to relax.

Well, I hope so.

I wish he'd get interested in something.

Uncle Charlie sure isn't feeling very good.

He hasn't yelled at me in days.

Maybe he wouldn't like the idea of me
taking over in the kitchen.

I think it's a good idea, Kate.

As a matter of fact, I think we could all
do a little more with the housework around

here and give Charlie time to have some fun.

What kind of fun?

Well, I don't know.

I tell you, I'm going out to the golf club tomorrow.

Maybe I'll ask him to go along.

I don't think Uncle Charlie's going to get
too excited about golf.

I heard him say you hit a little ball and
then you chase it.

He said a pool parlor makes more sense.

Well, we've got to find something he'll enjoy doing.

Ah, hiya, folks.

Hi, Charlie.

Sorry I'm late.

Had a little business.

Put over quite a deal.

Oh, uh, what kind of a deal?

Folks, you're looking at the new owner of
that famous Pacer, Gypsy King.

Pacer?

A horse?

Yep.

You mean you bought a racehorse?

Right.

How much was it, Charlie?

A hundred bucks.

Well, naturally, I had to pick up the board and feed Bill.

How much was that?

Another seventy-five.

A mere drop in the old oak's bucket.

Uh, is that seventy-five dollars every week?

Well, the horse has to eat and sleep, don't he?

Oh, sure, but that's quite a bit of money.

There's no problem.

I'll take a little loan on my insurance
until the purses start rolling in,

and then I'll be smiling all the way to the bank.

Charlie, I think it's great you've got all
this action going.

Do you need any help?

No, no, you've done enough, Steve.

It's about time.

It's about time I start paying my share around here.

Ernie, how would you like a new bicycle?

Oh, fine.

I'd like one with handbrakes and three gears.

You've got it.

Now, Chip, you're old enough to have your own jalopy.

Well, I've got my license.

I'd sure like a jalopy to go with it.

Done.

And I'm not forgetting the rest of you.

I'm cutting every one of you in on the purses.

When do you plan on racing the horse?

Well, uh...

There's one little problem first.

What's the problem?

Well, just the detail.

First, he's got to be qualified.

What does that mean?

I went in to see the racing secretary.

Okay.

So, Gypsy King had a few slow races.

So what?

How many slow races?

Nine.

Out of how many starts this year?

Nine.

Now, about this qualifying race.

They got a rule that a horse has to show
that he can run a mile in less than two

minutes and nine seconds before you can
enter him into a regular race.

Charley, do you really think you ought to get
involved in a tough competitive sport like this at your age?

You think I'd let anybody else sit behind Gypsy King?

Not on your life.

Well, I'd better get dinner ready.

Oh, I fixed up a tuna casserole.

I hope you don't mind, Uncle Charley.

Mind?

I couldn't be happier.

And you better practice up on ham and eggs, too, because
I'm going to be out at the track every morning at 5 A.M.

working out my steed.

Ah, get out!

Well, boy, he's like a kid with a new toy.

See, he doesn't realize that he's way past
the age for driving horses.

Well, Rob, a lot of fellas drive harness
races that are a lot older than Uncle Charley.

But the important thing is that,
well, he is like a kid with a new toy.

And isn't that just what we're trying to accomplish?

Now, we're not going until Charlie comes out.

No jokes about the way he's dressed.

He needs all the encouragement we can give him.

What happens if Gypsy King doesn't qualify?

Well, we don't even think about that.

Well, he has to win.

That's all there is to it.

Katie just winning, isn't he not?

He has to win in better than two nights.

Besides, even if he does qualify, it doesn't
necessarily mean he's going to start winning purses.

Hey, look.

Is that our Uncle Charley?

How do you like the outfit?

I bought it from Doc.

Later on, I get my own.

I got my own colors.

Well, you look very professional, Charley.

You know, Steve, I've been thinking that after we win the
qualifier, I might drive Gypsy King in his regular races.

You know, I wouldn't even have to leave California.

They got plenty of tracks around here.

Oh, how do you like him, Steve?

Well, Charley, I don't know too much about
it, but he looks fine to me.

Well, take a good look at him while he's
standing still, because when we pass you,

he'll be nothing but a blur.

Folks, it's about time.

If you want to see the race, the best
place is up in the press box.

Oh, fine.

Well, good luck, Charley, and be careful now.

Careful?

Huh.

Steve, you're talking to an old bro.

Oh, but you haven't raced in quite a while.

Steve, let me tell you something.

Sulky driving is just like swimming.

Once you learn the Australian crawl,
you'll never forget it.

Never.

Uncle Charley, you sort of swim side-stroke.

Well, if I did the Australian crawl, I'd never forget it.

Where are my goggles?

They're on top of your head, Uncle Charley.

I know what it is.

Come on, Chippy King.

Let's show our relatives a little class.

Good luck, Uncle Charley.

Get them out there in front, Uncle Charley.

And keep them there.

How about this?

If I had a race back in Rome, I'd have
made Ben Hur look like a bum.

Good luck, Uncle Charley.

Say, Pop, keep that old nag out of my way.

Listen, Squirt, Chippy King ain't no nag
and I ain't your pop.

Sorry, pal.

And I ain't your pal either.

This is every horse for himself.

Come on.

All drivers for the next qualifying race
move up to the starting gate.

Hey, what kind of thing is that?

That's the marshal's car, Ernie.

It makes sure all the horses get a fair start.

I think Gypsy King's just too old.

He's outclassed.

What happened?

Well, that other horse broke, so the
driver had to take him to the outside.

That means that horse is practically out of the race.

Get out of the way.

What do.

You think about Gypsy King?

Uncle Charley's got him going smooth.

Hey, he's really working out.

He won.

He actually won.

And he would have won.

How can he actually win a race?

Hey, can I get a bike with him racing here?

I get a jalopy coming up in a green.

You know, that's the most exciting race I ever saw.

Hey, here he comes.

Look at his face.

He looks like a kid with a dozen ice cream sodas.

Hi, how are you, Charlie?

Oh, hi, Mr. Weatherford.

I bet you never saw a better race, huh?

No, sir, it was a real moral victory.

Moral victory?

Well, sure, he had all the fun and
excitement of winning the race.

But you still have to do better than 209 to qualify.

What was the time?

Looked to me like he was going pretty fast.

Fast?

It was 215.

You see, two of the horses broke, so all he had
to beat was a couple of slow old-timers like himself.

You, uh...

You want me to tell him?

No.

No, I'll tell him.

And.

For a couple of old-timers, talk about a
streak of lightning.

We must have been close to the record.

Well, Charley, I, uh... I thought you were
going along there pretty good, too, but... Yeah.

Doc had a clock on you, and, uh... And?

Well, he clocked you in, uh, 215, Charley.



Yeah.

Oh, you gotta be kidding.

We didn't even qualify?

I'm sorry, Charley.

Well, maybe you and Gypsy King can try it again sometime.

No.

That was our best.

We gave it all we had.

I guess Gypsy King's racing days are over.

And mine, too.

Well, Charley, there are a lot of us and a
lot of things you can do.

Sure.

Laundry, vacuum cleaning, dishes.

Thanks very much.

Well, he's not at the Yeltsin Club, either.

Where do you think he is, Dad?

I have no idea, Chip.

I know he was pretty depressed.

I didn't think Gypsy King did so bad.

He came in first.

I feel so sorry for Uncle Charley.

So put him right back where he was.

Nothing to look forward to.

Hiya.

Sorry I'm late.

Uncle Charley?

I thought it was real great how you won that race.

I was real proud of you.

Please don't feel badly.

I lost a race once in junior high.

I know how you feel, but I got over it.

Look, Chip, Uncle Charley didn't lose.

He won.

Well, that's even worse when you win, but you lose.

Charley, what we're all trying to say is that
we hope... What's with the hearts and flowers?

It's over and done with.

And let me tell you something.

I had the time of my life.

I wouldn't have had half as much fun if
I'd have spent that $100 going to Hawaii.

Well, we all enjoyed it.

It was a great race.

But what's going to happen to Chip's again?

Best thing that could happen to a horse his age.

I'm giving him to a kid.

Instead of the bicycle I promised.

You.

Thanks, Uncle Charley.

Damn, I got a horse.

Yes, I heard, Ernie.

Charley, I'll take over the board, Bill.

You don't have to do that.

I made a swap with Doc.

He takes care of Ernie's horse.

I work his paces for him every Saturday morning.

That's wonderful, Charley.

Every man should have a hobby.

Just what I was thinking about you.

Steve, I found out that for 50...

$1,500, you can pick up a three-year-old
pacer that... Now, wait a minute, Charley.

I already have a hobby.

Golf.

Golf?

You've got to be kidding.

All I can say is, you're in a rut.

Clear the track.

Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis
Jr., individually giants.

Together, a phenomenon known as the Rat Pack.

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