01x03 - Why Does He Want to Cut Off Your D*ck?

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language and adult themes

If I ask Leo out, you've gotta ask Jo
out. Deal? No. It's like, ill*gal.

Shagging your boss is like
the least ill*gal of all

the ill*gal crimes.

Tomorrow night. Put it out there.

I can't tomorrow.

Why, what you got on?
Bubble bath and a megawank?

It's 25 years since my mum died.

Probs skip the megawank then.

Me and my dad always make her
signature dish.

Cheese sandwiches.

She wasn't that much of a cook.

Speed bump!

Why're you slowing down?

Gotta be extra careful ever since
I got banned from driving

for 15 years.

When was that?
Last week.

Yes, mate.
Yeah, it's been ages, man.

You saw the dance videos?

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm just like...

..I'm a, I'm a, I'm a,
a tiktacker now.

I got out early. Thank you,
Sir Kier!

Yeah, erm...

..but, but, but what if...?

OK, yeah, yeah.

My mate Paul's a bit furious
I didn't call him

a couple of months back,
cos I owe him 20 grand.

And now I've got till
tomorrow, mid-day,

to pay him or he's gonna cut me
knob off.

Just a nice matey catch up then?

I don't have access
to those kinda funds,

cos it's all tied up in my
investment thingy.

Shoes for dogs.

Untapped market -
double the feet.

This is all very,
very bad news for my knob.

Hey, is that Sean swinging
a little baby

around by his tiny ankles?

SINGING

You are my favourite gnome!
Joseph.

Bang! Argh! f*cking bum-head.

Oh, I thought I was
interviewing Emily?

Why? My charity.

This is Craig Dawkins,

Editor in Chief of Yakka Brack.

For the purpose of this tape,
would you state your name?

Calm down, Dad,
you're not the police.

I'm Jo Tull-Hogg,
I'm the founder of Wee CU.

Right. Tell us about the charity.

We assess workplaces
to check their bathrooms adhere

to disability access regulations.

Great.

And you've recently expanded -
tell me about that.

I've employed several people
to assess as many

workplaces as possible.

I will not rest until every
bathroom in

the land is accessible.

I perceive the world around us
through a social lens.

We are impaired by its mis-design.

OK, then. Lovely.

Tell us about your funding model.

I didn't think you'd be asking
so many questions.

It's me duty, love.

I'm the Emily Maitlis of
the parish magazine world.

ALL: What a woman!

Hmm...

So, the funding?

It's all thanks to generous
donations from the public.

Three, two, one.

And you're making a lot, are you?

Yeah.

Yeah, we are actually.

Dad, what are you doing?

Getting some sugar.
It's in here, is it? Mm.

Most people are pretty
cash-strapped at the moment.

Oh, there it is.

How are they affording
to give you money?

Have you got any biscuits?

Yeah, course. I'll just grab them.

Jo...Jo... Jo!

Will you go out with me?

And I think that's a lovely place to
finish the interview.

Thanks for your time.

So, see you tomorrow
for Mum's cheese sandos?

Yeah, yeah.
D'you want your cup back?

No, don't worry. We've got loads.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, my God, sorry about him.

He is suffocating.

I wondered how many sets
of lingerie I'd have

to order before you asked me out.

How's tomorrow night?

Erm, yeah, great.

Book somewhere bougie,
somewhere intimate.

Hmm...

Jo Tull-Hogg is so fit.

Amazing.

Emily Tull-Hogg.

Emily Tull-Hogg.

I'm a little hog?

Five weeks working me
bollocks off for what?

To lose it all on t'dog shoes
and that tosser.

You what? I thought you said dog
shoes were a solid investment?

C'mon, you lot, let's go.

These last two bricks
of bugle won't sell

and snort themselves.

I need all the extra cash
I can get me hands on.

And this is definitely safe?

It definitely isn't safe -
we're buying spice on the dark web?



But you're more likely
to be k*lled by a spouse.

That's why I'm single.

I forgot the cocaine.

What ya doin'?

We're ordering spice on
the dark web using

an obscure cryptocurrency
called 'bishonfriscoin'...

Why did you just kick me?

No f*ck' chance.

CLICKS BUY

Oops, I wobbled.

Oh, same day delivery.

We're shifting this powder
and then I'm out, remember?

You've got to carry on.

Think of the money.

We're so close to the end,
right, and nobody's died yet.

f*ck the money!

Spice will get us richer, faster.

Have you ever tried that sh*t?

I've never tried any drugs.

Not even weed?

Why, would I? I get the gist.

It's not like spice.

One go on that shite,
right, and you're hooked for life.

Bit like Starbursts?

You end up vomiting yourself into
a coma and then you're dead.

So, exactly like Starbursts?

If you start selling that sh*t
round here,

Lennie Kennedy will f*cking come
for us.

What if you gave that spice

to your c*ck-chopping mate?

Would that clear your debt?

You're good.

I know.

SHE LAUGHS

SHE STARTS TO WHEEZE

HE COUGHS

f*ck doing the drop meself.

We need someone proper vulnerable.

Too pathetic to get their knob
cut off.

How do we work that out?

Line them all up in a row?

Yeah.

OK.

Hiya, g*ng.

Can we all line up?

Most vulnerable HERE.

Least vulnerable over THERE.

Now.

No chance, Haz.

Have you seen them g*ns?

Bottom of the line, big fella.

Emily, swap with me.

You're way more vulnerable than me.

How d'you work that out?

You are cradling a garden gnome.

Let me get you a f*cking
chair, mam.

What's all this standing up bollocks
for anyway?

Emily Dawkins has bought
approximately two kilos of spice.

And we need someone to drop it off.

Are John Grisham books in here?

Oh? Out there. Fiction,

row two, three shelves down,
six books across.

Right. OK.

Are you lot the line dancing club?

Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yes.

Five, six, seven, and...

EMILY CLAPS OUT A RHYTHM

Why doesn't she do the drop?

Her legs work. Rude.

Oh, it can't be me -
tomorrow's my day off.

What do you think this is,
a, a, a job?

Yes. Check the shared calendar.

Shared f*cking calendar?

It's my monthly The Bill event.

I'm larping as DS Sam Nixon in
Episode 422.

The one where she investigates
the sale of rancid meat?

Spousal m*rder, yeah?

That's why you're single.

All right, I'll do it.

LAUGHTER

f*ck you!

Me and Joseph are
the least vulnerable here.

Think I'll f*ck it up?

I'll prove you wrong.

Em, I need this.

Over there, mate.

Really? Him?

You wanted vulnerable.

Ta-dah!

Right. Here ya go.

We should set up our own servers,

use PGP-encrypted smartphones
and communicate on MOUS.

What? That clicky thing
on t'computer?

That's a mouse.
You said the same word again.

MOUS.

It's an encrypted messaging
service where we can communicate?

This ain't Ocean's 12, mate.

Yeah, surely WhatsApp is fine?

What's what?
Just download MOUS.

Take the 196 to
the Dame Diana Rigg Roundabout on

the county line for midday tomorrow.

And for f*ck's sake,
man, don't lose the f*cking spice.

I would never lose the spice.

I lost the spice.

I can't find me kecks or
me dungers.

And the spice was in the pocket.

And I can't find Joseph.
The gnome?

He must be terrified.

"You've got till 8pm to get me
the stuff."

"Or I'll cut your c*ck off
and your head off."

Classic Paul.

I'm gonna do a little bit of
diarrhoea before I draft me will.

If you don't find the spice,

you're going to be in serious
trouble. Serious.

I promise

I will... Snnnggghhh!

..find the...

HE BELCHES

..the spice.

f*ck's sake, Em!

We shoulda talked about this before
you let him off the hook.

What next, eh?

Harry stabs a kid, and you're just
like, "No worries, pal. Here ya,

"have a Carling and a cuddle"?

Why did you even get us into this
spice sh*t, man?

If you didn't want me to deal drugs,

you shouldn't have forced me
to deal drugs.

f*ck you, man. Right,
my drugs are fun drugs.

Your drugs are just drug-drugs, man.

It's like back at school,
you'll get away with it. But me?

I'm gonna lose me d*ck. And me head.

And then they're gonna put me own
d*ck in me own head.

And then they're gonna post it
on t'internet.

Relax, we've got three hours
to find the spice.

Whatever happens, yeah,

we...we gotta face this ourselves.
It's me and you, man.

No. I'm doing something intimate
with Jo tonight.

I asked her out.

Yeah, yeah. Good for you, shagger!

Ohhhhh! Oooohhh!

Wait, man. Wait.

We can...we can do it together
at 8pm, right.

At the Ploughman's Fayre off the
B1230, right.

There's no CCTV in t'car park.
It's on the county line, right.

And the food, man, the food is...

Viola!

And we can do both dates at
the same time, right.

Me, you, bird, bird.

God, I'm good.

What happens if it goes wrong?

We get murked in't front of ladies.

Hell of a story to tell the
grandkids

they'll have with someone else.

Is the Ploughman's Fayre intimate?

Yeah.

I really thought you'd take me
somewhere special.

Anyway. I am super impressed, Emily.

Your expansion of my charity in
a matter of weeks.

You've really run with it.

Not run.

Oh, it makes me so mad when people
use that phrase.

Not mad.

I know what you meant.

So erm...

Have you ever done drugs?

No. Never have done.

Never, ever will.

It's just...erm...

I brought some edibles.

I need to let loose tonight,
you know?

Let me clarify.

Never have, never will

on an empty stomach.

Whoa!

Have you just eaten an entire bear?

Me kecks have got to be
here somewhere.

Trousers, trousers.

Ha -ha!

Found them. That was easy.

Oh, think they're empty.

Other than...

AAAAGHH!

Oh. I shoulda said, "Careful,

"there's a ship in a bottle in
there."

It's broken.

Couldn't get the ship out
the bottle.

That's it! The Ship!

I know where the spice is. Come on.

It's been years since I saw you,
and I think last time,

you were being tasered by police?

I were holding an ice cream.
Never got to finish it.

How have you gone from that fella
to this.

A man who works at a charity?

I wanted to do something for,
y'know, the disableds. Oh.

People with disabled needs.

And...and Emily.

You know Emily?

Her sat there, off of school.

She has that serena palsy,

so, I um,
I reckoned I'd start with her.

Oh.

Are you sure this is place you got
ship in't bottle last night?

I'm 100 sure...I'm unsure.

Dwayne's grown up to be
a right little sh*t.

He needs stability,
a positive male role model and...

I've gotta go toilet. Oh.

Cough, cough, cough, cough.
Bogs. Cough, cough.

Yes, I do need a wee.

I'm good at drugs,

I can't feel anythinnnnggggg.

Who's this fella?

Used to be me.

The f*cking clock's wrong!

We've only got 14 minutes left,
man.

Where the f*ck is the spice?

Why are your eyes all red, man?

Ketchup? Yes, sir.

I sprayed ketchup

right into my eyeballs.

This is why I never order
the mushroom risotto

in these fancy gaffs.

These days every c**t calls himself
a f*cking forager.

I am not stoned.

I,... I never takened
ketchup, remember.

Having fun? Huh?

f*ck off.

Bye-bye.

Guess who's back!

You're back.

I'm back.

What's this absolute sh*thole?

Are you here to steal
more of my gnomes?

Why have you got so many gnomes?

They're quite obviously
little figurines of me.

You're signalling that you're not
over this, that you're not over us.

Marcus gives them to me.

One each week since our first date.

It's romantic, actually.

Where's the one you stole
two nights ago?

JOSEPH!

I put the... I put the...
In Joseph!

Come on, you. Come on.

For our next date,
can we go to Le Mer De Glace?

Our next date?

Hmm.

That's very presumptuous,

Miss Tull-Hogg.

There's nothing I love
more than eating out.

You all right?

Hmm. The spice is in t'gnome.

There are no gnomes here.

But I do have good news.
We discovered many...

..cold chips.

Which are now in our bellies.

Chips. That's it. What?

Chips. I lost Joseph
in a game of poker.

Speed camera!

Oh, no!

If I'm gonna get involved
with anyone again,

I need to know it's serious.

For that little boy's sake,

I need to know
you'll be reliable and...

I've gotta go toilet again.

Sorry. It's the squits.

HE COUGHS

Let's go.

Yeah, wee-wee time again.

Wee-wee!

Shush.

You shush.

We're high up here!

You lost a spice-filled gnome

in a game of poker?

Who to?

This is gonna sound mental,
but...

..I'm pretty sure it
was a young...

..Gary Lineker. That's it, then.

We're all gonna be headless,
c*ck internet corpses, man.

Worse, it's the b*stard filth. Run!

If you can.

It's Hope.

What?

Are you making a moral judgment
based on my willingness

to take a vulnerable man
for his best gnome friend

in a game of poker?

Ah. Joseph went down so well
at The Bill.

You see, there are these tiny
burglars in episode one.

Ooh, ow. OK. Don't squeeze me,
Ewen Sheridan.

We thought Joseph

and the spice

were gone for good.

Well, didn't any of you check MOUS?

I've been messaging
since last night.

None of you downloaded it, did you?

I don't have a phone, love.

There wasn't enough space left.

Has anyone seen my mobile?

Here we go.

You lot, wait here.

Who was that shouty bint
back in the posh house?

Joseph's mother.

My wife. No - former wife.

A lady I am no longer allowed
to talk to or go near.

Nice to see an old flame, eh?

What if they pick up

the wrong thing

and they end up picking up

a big bag of dog poo?

Happened to me once.

I swear I can still
smell it on me hand.

Has anyone ever told you

you are the spitting image

of a young Gary Lineker

circa 1989?

Yes. Many people.

Emily?

Hungry?

Ah. I'm full.

Love, before you go.

Is the bath

making that weird

gurgling sound again?

No, it's not that.
Well, I mean, it is, but I...

No.

I wanted to tell you that your
mam would be proper proud of you,

coming out of your shell and doing
something important with your life.

OK.



Can you believe it?

HE SIGHS HEAVILY

Ooh, I don't mind if I do.

Hmm.

Bit stale.

Not to self.

Google Emily Maitlis' shoe size.

Oh...God!

Ohh-hoo-hoo!

I bet she's a five!

HE SOBS