01x06 - Will We Die?

[bunniefuu]

CAMERA BEEPS AND CLICKS

This programme contains
very strong language and
adult humour from the start.

Lennie is on to us.

Get me close enough.

I'll throw a punch.

Can't promise where it'll land...
but he'll die.

We need to be smarter

than mindlessly murdering a man.

It's not what Mas would've wanted.

You make it sound like he's dead.

Well, his bladder's dead.

And it would be weird to say,

"It's not what Mas's bladder
would've wanted".

I'm ready to k*ll.

With an 80-unit injection
of insulin,

Lennie Kennedy will have
a sudden glucose drop,

experiencing confusion
before major seizures,

leading to overheating
and his brain could die.

Oh...

Well, unless he's
a type 2 diabetic...

Like Mas. ..in which case,
it'll only make him stronger.

HE GROANS

I-I'm not diabetic.

Hiya, Mas. Get well soon etc.

I got you a little something

and I cooked your
favourite doro wat.

With extra spice?

What do I look like, an amateur?

Oh, my God, that's it!

DOOR SLAMS OPEN

What's it?!

What? All this violence
makes me hungry.

I've been running on watermelon vape
fumes for two f*ck' days, man.

Move.

I'll take care of the Minibus guy.

You get the kid off to her exam.

If you want something
k*lling properly,

you do it yourself.

Sit your arse down and don't move.

I have apologised for breaking
your recorder, my darling.

I'm sure they'll have a spare
one you can use, all right?

Enjoy your time with Uncle Mikey

and I'll be back
before you can say...

f*cking move!

All right, come on. This way.

I know how we get Lennie -
plant spice.

We prick the prick to
death with a cactus?

No, we...

Drown him in curry.
Face first in a big old vat.

Anyone asks, we claim he was
a hungry boy and he slipped.

No, we...

We sh**t him in his
big, fat b*stard face,

then plant a tree in commemoration,

then piss on it.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

We plant the spice on Lennie.

My bag is full of it.

And with the dirty money
and Daphne.

Those were important medical notes.

I'll meet Lennie,
begging forgiveness.

"My sincerest apologies

"for dealing drugs in your town."

That's perfectly OK.

I forgive you.

And thank you for being such
a fabulous daughter-in-law.

Let's hug now.

But beneath the dirty money

is Daphne and a kilo of spice,

directly connecting Lennie

to the Brack's new supply line.

So, what's my job?

Harry can be my look-out...

I shall take this bag of
suspicious money away now.

..and he can alert the police,

who will arrest Lennie...

Bye-bye.

SIREN APPROACHES

You're nicked, sunshine.

Bad luck, old boy.

..with the bag.

And then Ewen, Mas and Pat

will leave town for a bit

till the heat dies down.

We'll clear of drugs

and we can finally go legit.

All clear?

Wait, can you say that again?

Oh, this is the way out.

Emily? Not the way out!

Lennie's here!

Stunt man coming through!

Don't move.

Don't move.

Hiya, love.
I'm looking for Masir Mason.

He came in last night.

Nice fella, stab wounds.

f*ck! The whiteboard!

Jojo Rabbit!

Daddy's acting weird again.

I think I've seen your girlfriend.

And nobody cares about
my recorder exam!

WHISPERS: Right, let's go, man.
Let's go.

Here.

Steady, Daddy. That's it. Steady.

Steady. It's all right, Daddy.

Why does every room
look the b*stard same?

Come on. Mate, are you
doing all right?

Y'know, like, no bladder and that?

It's just, like...

..real life-changing sh*t, y'know?

I'll be all right.

I think we'll all have
wee bags one day.

Yeah. Saves so much time.

Yeah.

TRICKLING

There you go.

I just went whilst making
eye contact with you.

Right.

All right, come on, let's go.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Come on.

Ee-ee...

Ee aye, Ewen!

WOMAN SCREAMS

Push! Well done, you.

Push!

Ah, here they are. I called for you
quite some time ago, doctors.

No, no, we're not...

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, my God. Is that thing the baby?

That's her an*s.

She's doing a poo.

Why?

That can't be our Sean.

It's not me. My name's...

..Sean. Well, it is me.

We've not seen you in a while, love.
Shall I pop t'kettle on?

Oi! Stop!

Fuuuuck!

Oh! Very disabled!

Move!

Ugh!

Argh!

Oooh...

Oh, mate, just move, yeah?

f*ck!

Emily?

Dad!

It's not my blood.

It's a stranger's...

f*cking stay there, you.

See ya later, bye!
Oi, excuse me, pal.

WOMAN SCREAMS

We're too far gone for a section.

Oh, way too far, mate.

We are at the second stage,
so maybe a ventouse is advisable?

Oh, yeah, right,
me old friend vontiloo.

Yeah, nice and hot, like. Yeah.

Er, what?

Er, always gets
things moving for me.

Did you just say "vontiloo"?
What is that?

It's, erm... It's the
same word, thing. Vonti.

It's the thing what you said.

A vacuum extraction?

You wanna suck the baby
out that big, old gash?

Oh, God, I've messed up, haven't I?

WOMAN SCREAMS

What the f*ck am I looking at now?

Doctor, you need to
deliver this baby.

I'm... I'm sorry. I can't. I'm...

..I'm just not ready.

It's all right, it's all right,
don't worry.

Mas, mate, shall we do this?

Er... Yeah, yeah.

I-I...I'm not nervous.

HE GRUNTS

TRICKLING

Right, hold me bap.

Hold it. Give it t'me.

Pump. Pump action.

THEY LAUGH

I'm sure I bought something
like this off Kango.

He said that it'd help me with me...
confidence issues.

He sold one to me too, man.
Didn't f*cking work!

Sorry about... I'm sorry about that.

You are so f*cked, little lady.

I have a Daphne.

I mean, a g*n.

I have a g*n.

Is that gaffer tape?

Stop.

I'll sh**t.

After you, f*ck.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

You have got some
elephantine bollocks,

f*cking about on my streets.

What are you doing?

Stop that.

My apologies for
dealing drugs in your town.

I hate dealers like you.

You f*ck.

You spread misery
like it was butter.

I have kept this
town clean for years.

There are rules.

Clear, simple rules.

Why the f*ck doesn't
anybody get that?!

You're very welcome to
buy my good, clean weed.

You're very welcome to
snort my good, clean gak.

But if you want to huff
some evil f*ck's spice

or inject shitty
heroin into your p*nis

so you end up with an infection,
and the NHS amputate your leg,

and you face a life of begging,
lying on the pavement drooling,

then f*ck off to Hull!

Agreed.

Hull is sh*t.

Oh, God.

The baby looks distressed, doctor.

The baby's distressed? Come on!

I'm f*cking distressed!

Get it out! Get it out!

SHE SCREAMS

FRRRRT!

SMALL FART

BABY CRIES
That's it. I'm gonna vomit.

Don't you dare throw up

in that open woman, Ewen.
KNOCK ON DOOR

Now, before I begin the procedure,
would the patient please consent

to a group of student
doctors witnessing...

Would you stop that?

Excuse me, do you work here?

No. I mean, yes.

Erm, I work here. Erm...

Yeah. Welcome.

Is this recorder for sale?

Erm... Yes.

Erm... It's 50p.

Erm... Let me put it
in a case for you.

SHE MOUTHS

Daddy? Yes?

Why am I getting calls from my
sister, saying she's been abandoned?

She has her exam in 20 minutes.

And what the hell's going on here?

Oh, here you are. Erm...

This is for you.

It's a new recorder,
love, for your exam.

And this lovely bunny is for you.

And it's from me too.

It's a joint present.

From you? No, it isn't.

Gotta go. Bye. Bye!

Oh, no!

Byeeee!

Yeah, bye. Bye.

Well, just text me
later, then, Em, yeah?

What?

Come on, come on!

f*ck it, man! f*ck it!

That door opens, yeah,
you get in there and you look like

you f*cking belong there, man!

I don't... I don't really think I'm
up to delivering another baby today.

Oi, Sheridan! Come on.

You're mine.

All right, Mas. I've got ya, mate.

Hey-o, big fella!

That almost hit me.

Oh, God!

Argh!

Oh! Ohhh...

Welcome to the inner rectum.

Sanctum!

Sanctum.

Why are you covered in...in jam?

It's the blood of a stranger.

Why are YOU covered in jam?

Also the blood of a stranger.

SLAMMING

Open this f*cking door!

We're f*cked, man.

I will tear this slab
of dead f*cking tree

off its f*cking hinges, you f*ck!

Er, excuse me, Mr Kennedy?

Boss, you all right?

I'll mash your skulls,
you f*ck!

He's Jack Nicholson-ing it.

Quick, quick, gimme Daphne, now.

He's got her.

Really? That slag gets about.

They won't even be able to find
the little random bits of you,

you...dead...fuuuucks!

Boss! Boss!

Excuse me, sir.
May I ask what you're doing?

f*ck off, piggy. Daddy's busy.

Boss!

f*ck off! You f*ck b*stards!

Police! Police! Open up!

Is that still...?

Full of money and spice?

Oh, yeah. Police! Open the door!

Then we're f*cked, man. Open up!

You took the rap for me at school.

Now, it's my turn.

f*ck that, man.

Right. We both go, yeah?

Me and you, man. Both go.

Are you sure?

Yeah, man.

Yeah, man.

I think I'll do all right in prison.

I've always wanted
to be someone's b*tch.

At least you'll finally
get laid, man.

SHE CHUCKLES

Ohhh...

Ohhh...

Hey.

f*ck off.

SHE SIGHS

Fine. Let's go.

Step out slowly.
Show us your hands.

SIRENS WAIL

A toast - to our heroic doctors.

Where would me and little
Ewen Minibus Masir Thompson

be without you?

Cheers.

ALL: Cheers!

I ain't worn this suit since the day

you got stabbed nine times
in t'bladder, man.

I've not worn this suit since
last time I was in court

for double manslaughter.

Got away with it though, didn't I?

Funny times.

Here, have him, mate.

What? He got away with it!

Hello? Jo speaking.

I'll be right back.

So, have you two...?

You know...?

Have you f*cked?

Oh, erm...

Ooh, er... Yeah.

Yeah, erm, loads.

Exhausting.

Babe, no. Mm-mm.

Sorry.

It's nonstop, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Erm...

No. Oh, mate.

You could be getting railroaded by
a 60-year-old former dinner lady

called Tiny in
t'prison bog right now.

I know.

What a shame.

Right.

Finish that, then get out.

Oh, you've finished.

Get out.

Thank you very much. Twat.

So, it's going well
with you and Leo, then?

She's still annoyed cos of,
y'know...

..the m*rder. What m*rder?

m*rder*d me bladder.

I was ready to go down
with you, you know.

I still cannot believe
we got away with it.

It's her! This is her f*cking g*n!

Down! He's got a g*n!

No! It's my bag.

You?

You! f*cking hell,
you're still going?!

And that's my bag, man, not hers!

Check that bag and search 'em.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Finally.

I'm sorry, Dad.

It's clear. Nothing on 'em.

What?!

Check the recorder case!

I should check the recorder case.

Gotcha.

Why am I getting calls from my
sister, saying she's been abandoned?

She has her exam in 20 minutes.

And what the hell's going on here?

I should've known it was you.

See you in a decade. Take him away.

You're welcome.

You're amazing!

Can you see into t'future?

Do I ever learn to swim?

Do me and Mas ever make it
to Moon/Mars?

Will I ever not be lonely?

Do dog shoes ever take off?

Will I die naked or in't pyjamas?

Actually, no, no, no, don't tell me,
don't tell me.

I want it to be a surprise.

OK...

Er... Pints?

Hey, where's everyone's favourite
mentally ill alcoholic?

Gandalf?

No, the other one.

Oh, Sean.

Oh, yeah.

Dunno.

Cheers.

Do you know what?

I could get used to this muck.

Well done, everyone.

We got out of the drugs game
entirely healthy.

Other than the lost bladder.

Just like the sex worker/teacher

played by Tamzin Outhwaite
in episode 748 of The Bill.

Cheers.
ALL: Cheers!

Ya b*stard grass!

Are we even?

Yep.

Pint? Thanks.

So, where were we?

"Hello, Ewen!"

No, Em! No more...

..drugs.

Crikey Moses!

Yes.

b*stards.

You'll make me miss my
f*cking yoga class tonight!

Let's go. Daddy'll be OK.

I believe you, Daddy.

You're my little chu-chi face

and I'll always be your teddy bear.

Now, go and destroy the c**ts.

MUSIC STARTS AND STOPS

Guv, there's someone
here to see you.

Hello, there.

This might be a slightly
unusual request, but...

..I need you to arrest me daughter.