09x03 - Life Begins in Katie

[bunniefuu]

The Lone Ranger.

You're side-arming it too much, Chip.

Use more overhand.

Yeah, only the pros are beginning to use
more of a short, quick release deal.

Hey, you guys, Frances is going to have a batch of babies.

Who's Frances?

My dog, the one tr*mp's been going steady with.

Yeah, the veteran says she's going to have
her batch any day now.

The word's litter, not batch.

He's a veterinarian, not a veteran.

No, he's a veteran.

He was in the army.

Hi.

Hi, honey.

What do you think?

About what?

Well, this is a maternity smock.

I thought it was about time I wore one.

Oh, it looks fine, Katie.

But you're really not big enough for one of those yet.

I'm sure she is.

You know, it's really a wonderful feeling, sort of.

Like we've taken the next step toward parenthood.

I guess you know how Frances feels, huh, Mrs. Douglas?

Frances?

Oh, yeah, your dog.

How's she coming along?

She's pregnant, too.

Are you going to have your baby in a hospital?

Yes.

Why?

Frances is going to have hers under the sink.

Uh, honey, if we're not doing anything this afternoon,
is it okay if I go down to Ted's and watch the game?

Yeah.

He's got a 27-inch screen down there.

Sure.

That's fine.

Just let me know before you leave so I can
kiss you goodbye.

Okay.

Hey, Rob, she's okay.

Yeah.

I know.

No,

you're not bothering anybody, Todd.

I was half asleep and Katie's just sitting
here working on baby clothes.

Yeah, we could start a store.

Hey, did you see the game today?

Yeah.

Well, I hope they do better next week.

No, I think when they really goofed up is
when Swanson phoned me on the 10.

Up till then, I think they had a chance.

Hi, Kate.

Hi, Dad.

Guess what?

I don't know, what?

Say that.

I think I felt the baby move.

No.

What did Rob say?

Well, it just happened.

Can't wait for him to get off the phone so I can tell him.

Just sort of went, boom.

How about that?

Oh, I'm so wrapped up in the baby,
I forgot you just got home.

Working on Sunday, too, you must be exhausted.

I'll get you something to eat.

Oh, no, you stay right where you are.

I had a bite to eat out near the plant.

I am pretty tired those government
deadlines really take it out of you.

Oh, uh, congratulations.

Thank you.

Night.

Did you see that guy run?

Well, I think the turning point of the game
is when Thompson intercepted on the 25.

That's the best run I've ever seen.

Rimsky couldn't even catch him.

Rob?

Todd, I better get off.

I'm being nudged by my wife.

Yeah.

Okay, see you later.

Boy, nag, nag, nag.

Honey?

What?

The most wonderful thing just happened.

I know.

You just finished another pair of booties or something.

What was that?

What was what?

You moved without moving.

That was our baby.

It moved by itself?

It was probably waving at us.

It moved.

It's alive.

I knew you were...

What are you doing?

Honey, I'm going to call the doctor.

I think you ought to know about this.

Rob, if you call the doctor because the baby's moving,
he'll slap you into a hospital with mentally incompetence.

Honey, we've got to do something.

The baby might hurt.

He might hurt himself.

Well, there is something we can do.

What?

Wait.

It won't be easy.

Well, come in.

Come in.

Oh, I didn't know you were in bed already.

Oh, I'm sorry, darling.

I was pretty tired tonight.

I thought I'd go to sleep early.

What is it?

Well, Gordon's dog next door is going to have puppies.

And tr*mp is my dog and everything.

So shouldn't I go over and sleep on the floor with Gordon?

Well, I got the last part of that.

The answer is no.

You may not go over and sleep on the floor with Gordon.

But legally, if I'm the owner of a dog that's going to be a
father, shouldn't I go over and at least worry with Gordon?

Ernie, I'm afraid this whole thing is just
a little too complicated for me tonight.

Could we... Could we talk about it tomorrow?

Oh, sure, Dad.

Oh, fine.

Why don't we do that, huh?

Good night.

Bye, Dad.

If you want to talk to Dad, he just went to sleep.

But, Ernie, you just came out of there.

Yeah, but he doesn't want to talk anymore.

Well, he talks, but he doesn't understand
what anybody else is saying.

Good night.

Good night.

Uh, yeah?

Dad, I'm sorry, but this is important.

Oh, it's all right, Rob.

What's, uh, what's on your mind?

Dad, uh, Katie's gonna have a baby.

Uh, yeah, I, uh, I know.

Well, what I mean is, uh, well, the baby kicked me.

It did, huh?

Yeah.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Well, sure.

Sure means that everything's fine.

Dad.

I'm just not ready for this.

I know how you feel, Rattle.

Did, did it happen to you?

Oh, sure.

Sure, I, I felt exactly the same way.

I wanted to go around and tell everybody
I, uh, I was just too young for this.

Seemed I'd just gotten out of high school.

I, it seemed only a few months before I'd
gotten a B-minus in neatness and responsibility.

I, uh, I wasn't ready either.

Boy.

How long does this last?

Well, with me, it lasted until I, uh,
looked through that window in the hospital.

And the nurse held up a basket with a
little red, wrinkled, squirming thing in it.

And the card said, Douglas, boy.

And right then, I figured I'd, uh, better start growing up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If you have a boy around, I imagine he'll,
uh, he'll come to you someday.

Yeah.

I think exactly the same problem.

It must be a big relief when your kids finally grow up
and you, you don't have to worry about them anymore.

Rob, I'm afraid parents never, uh, yeah.

Yeah, it's a big relief.

Good night, Dad.

Good night.

Good breakfast, Uncle Charley.

Yeah, but I wish this family would all get
down to breakfast at the same time.

Now, don't forget your lunches.

An old trading liverwurst for peanut butter.

If you want peanut butter, tell me and
I'll make you peanut butter.

Hello?

Oh, yeah, hi.

I'll ask him.

It's Gordon, and he wants to know if you can go over
to his house this afternoon and take a look at Frances.

What for?

What's wrong with his mother looking at Frances?

Well, his mother's going to a tea or something.

Gordon's scared Frances will have her
babies all by herself.

Animals are supposed to have their babies
by themselves, Ernie.

Yeah, but Frances is real delicate.

All right, all right, I'll look in if I get the chance.

Come on, you guys, get off the school, go on.

He says okay, so you better leave the back
door open or something.

Okay, so long.

Hi, Steve.

Good morning.

Sorry I'm late, I guess I was more tired than I thought.

Yeah, you didn't make any sense at all last night.

I'm sorry, Ernie.

Are you guys going to stand there having a polite
conversation all day or are you going to get to school?

Good morning.

Oh, who died?

I'll just have a little toast this morning, Uncle Charley.

I've got an early class.

You're going to school looking like that?

Uh, goodbye, Ernie.

Have a good day.

You too, Chip.

So long.

You didn't answer my question.

Who died?

I'm wearing a suit because a suit is a more
efficient article than the things I usually wear.

Besides, I'm going to see the university
counselor today about some extra tutoring.

Oh?

Yes, I'm... I'm streamlining my life, Dad.

I've got the job at the drive-in from five
to nine with Sundays and Mondays off.

I can tutor high school students on those two nights.

With a child coming, money becomes sort of
a... a security thing.

What does Katie say about all this?

Well, she was asleep when I got up, Dad.

She'll see the sense in it.

She's fairly level-headed.

Well, don't take out too much.

I mean, uh, nothing's really changed since yesterday.

Oh, yes, it has, Dad.

When I think of myself tossing...
tossing a football around and going

down to a malt shop like a
little kid, I get a little sick inside.

Here's your toast.

Well, thank you, Uncle Charley, but I'm awfully sorry.

I really must be on my way.

So long.

Uh, goodbye, Rob.

I wonder if they sell sensible pills down at the drugstore.

He sure could use a bottle full of them.

Oh, don't be too hard on him, Charley.

When fatherhood finally comes, it, uh, it hits pretty hard.

Heh, heh, not for everybody.

Cool what?

Cool the racket.

Hi, Chip.

Hi.

Hey, uh, where's Uncle Charley?

Cool it.

Cool what?

Everything, I guess.

Robbie's in the dining room doing homework.

At four O'clock in the afternoon?

Yeah, he's got that businessman's face
that he was wearing this morning.

Yeah, he's acting real weird.

Anyway, where's Uncle Charley?

I'm here.

Did you get a chance to go next door and visit Frances?

I sure did.

Well, how is she?

Well, her teeth are in good shape.

She bit me.

From here on in, Alice, you do your own dog sitting.

That little mutt.

Hey, where you going?

I'm going over to see Frances.

She was on a special diet, and I hope you didn't wreck it.

Wreck it?

She almost wrecked me.

Hey, cool it in there.

Oh, boy, one of these days.

Guy, look at tr*mp.

He doesn't even care if Frances is sick or anything.

tr*mp?

tr*mp?

Ernie, what's your dog doing here?

Well, we brought tr*mp over so Frances
could look at him, Mrs. Deering.

Yeah, but all he does is sleep.

You're not going to use the sink again, are you?

I have to get dinner ready, honey.

Look, every time you turn the water on,
it makes Frances nervous.

You could make dinner over at our house, Mrs. Deering.

Now, look, boys, I know that you're very
worried about Frances.

Now, I promise to run the water as softly
as possible, but that is the best that I can do.

Yeah, Gordon, if tr*mp isn't worried about Frances,
maybe it's because he knows what not to worry about.

He's been a father before.

Hey, don't turn the page yet.

I'm not finished.

Okay, I'm finished.

Okay.

Haven't you boys got anything better to do
than sit around and read comics?

Oh!

I've got a student coming over in a few minutes.

We'll be quiet, Rob.

Fine.

You gonna use the kitchen?

Yes.

I'll get it.

Hi.

Hi.

Aren't you Margaret Hill over at school?

Why, yes.

And you're Chip Douglas.

Weren't you the one who had to give that
talk on Shakespeare and English?

Your mother burned your paper by accident?

Yes.

Were you there?

I sure was.

I was never so embarrassed in my life.

Good evening, Miss Hill.

I'm Rob Douglas.

I think we'll work in the kitchen.

It's a lot quieter there, if you'll excuse us, Chip.

Now, for one thing, Miss Hill, you mustn't
start off with the premise that your teacher is a...

a knucklehead, just because she wants you
to enjoy Shakespeare.

Read the quotation to me again,
this time, as if you knew what it meant.

But I don't know what it means, Mr. Douglas.

We just went through it.

Read it to me.

Have you seen that silver gravy boat, Rob?

Uncle Charley, Miss Hill is paying me by
the hour, and, uh, well, you're using it up.

Okay, have her take off a dime for me,
but... Then, I gotta find that silver gravy boat.

When that I was...

Okay, okay.

Now, this is from the beginning.

Yes, sir.

When that I was, and a little tiny boy,
with hey-h*, the wind and rain.

Yeah?

Oh, hi, Katie.

Hi, Dad.

I know I shouldn't bother you.

Oh, I'm glad for the interruption.

Come on in.

Thanks.

Dad, I'm really worried about Rob.

More of the same.

I mean, is he still solemn in business life?

Yes.

I understand.

I just wish he'd go back to being a boy again.

He's downstairs tutoring a student as if
his life depended on it.

Well, if you think it'll help,
I'd be glad to have a talk with him.

Oh, no.

It's our own problem.

I'm sure it'll find its own level.

Just that he seems so old.

Katie, if it'll help any, I was the biggest
fathead you ever saw when our first baby arrived.

I'm glad you said that.

Tell me what a fathead you were so I can start relating.

Well, as I told Rob, it didn't really hit
me until the moment I first saw the baby.

And then you know what I did?

I went right out and bought myself a pipe.

A pipe?

Yeah.

I wanted to be an instant father.

I tried to grow a beard, but that didn't
work out too successfully.

And I remember I even bought a pair of reading glasses
I didn't need so I'd appear more studious to the world.

What did your wife say?

Well, Katie, women are a lot wiser about
some things than men.

She didn't say a word.

How long did this go on?

Oh, not too long.

I don't remember exactly what it was,
but something jarred me out of it.

But you know something else?

Four years later, when I should have known
better, I did exactly the same thing all over again.

Except for the beard.

I didn't try that.

You did it again?

Yeah.

Why?

Another baby.

And my first PTA meeting.

Well, I guess we'll just have to wait for
something to jar Rob out of it.

Another baby, or our first PTA meeting.

Unless Charley hits him with a pot first.

Thanks, Dad.

You're really something.

Oh.

Good night.

So think of him as a playwright, and think of it
as a play, not just something that sounds weird.

Oh, I will, Mr. Douglas.

Mrs. Douglas, your husband opened up a whole world for me.

He's just wonderful.

I guess he has such insight into things
because he's an older man.

I was just telling your wife.

I heard.

Oh.

What older man?

He's about four years older than she is.

I know, Ernie.

I know.

Something wrong, Ernie?

No.

You seem awfully restless.

Something on your mind?

No, it's, uh... Just one of those
nights when you can't sleep.

What's so funny?

Nothing, Rob.

Good night.

You're smiling.

I'm happy.

Why?

I have a wonderful husband.

And I'm gonna have a baby.

I'm gonna have a baby.

Hey, Steve, will you get that?

I got some bacon here on the stove that's
turning into a disaster area.

Hello.

Who?

Yes, I'll tell him.

Goodbye.

Well, somebody named Francis had seven babies.

Seven babies?

Francis is tr*mp's wife.

Oh.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, fellas.

Ernie, Gordon just called and said Francis
just had seven puppies.

Hey, me.

Come on, Chip.

We'll be right back.

Okay.

Good morning.

Hi.

Oh, hi, Katie.

Oh, Rob up?

He'll be right in.

What's so funny?

Oh, you'll see.

Hi, everybody.

Well, uh, morning, Rob.

You're going to school like that?

Yep.

I found out a suit isn't practical.

Now all we have to do is wait for another
baby in a PTA meeting.

What does that mean?

Oh, it's a little private joke between Katie and me.

Here you are.

Here's your bacon.

Hey, look!

We got some of tr*mp's kids!

Aren't they cute?

Yeah!

I want them all.

I just want them right now.

Don't look like tr*mp.

Well, look who's suddenly noticed he's a father.

tr*mp, just don't turn into a stuffed shirt.

That's one of the dangers of fatherhood.

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