09x04 - The Grandfathers

[bunniefuu]

Well, that's it.

Slick as a whistle.

Tomorrow we put the throw rugs back down,
and we got something to live in another year.

A year, huh?

Boy, it's hard to believe we've been out
here in California for a whole year.

It's been over a year, Dad.

Katie and I have been married almost a year now.

Hey, golly, that's right, you have.

By the way, where's Katie?

Katie.

I sent her for hamburgers.

You didn't think I was going to do any
cooking with all this mess going on, did you?

Hi.

Oh, hi, Katie.

Oh, I'm hungry.

Babe, what's this?

A jelly donut.

A jelly donut and chocolate donut.

Kate, is that all you bought?

Just, what, just donuts?

Yeah.

Two dozen is plenty for six people.

These are custard-filled.

I got some glazed ones.

And there's some plain ones for people
that don't want anything fancy.

Well, it certainly could be that.

We had a rather peculiar dinner here last night.

Donuts.

Yes, just donuts.

Ernie had six.

Seven.

He ate one of mine.

Make that seven.

I had six.

I'm not well.

Well, now we've got another one, Doctor.

Chip.

Chip.

He had six.

All right.

All right, Doctor.

Yes, I'll call you back.

What did the doctor say?

Oh, you know, Rob, he was just saying that
when a woman is pregnant, she sometimes

gets peculiar cravings, like a mad passion
for donuts, and we just have to go along with it.

I knew that.

I didn't expect the whole family to get sick.

You guys just going to let me stand here
in the hall and die?

No, go in your room and die.

Wow.

Come on, Chip, you better get back to bed.

We're.

Almost completed, so we should be in a position to
give you a final decision by the middle of next week.

Yours truly, Steve Douglas, and I guess
that'll do it, Janet.

All right, I'll get these out right away.

All right.

How's Katie?

Katie?

Katie is just fine.

You're really excited about the baby, aren't you?

You know, I have to admit that I really am.

Babies are being born every minute all
over the world, but when it's your child,

it's like a miracle.

It's part of the magic.

Yeah.

Has Katie decided on a doctor?

Oh, I didn't tell you, did I?

She's getting a Dr. Roy Osborne.

Now, he not only delivered Katie,
he delivered Katie's mother.

Now, that's the kind of experience that's a real comfort.

I should think so.

You know, Dr. Osborne said Katie is the
healthiest girl he's ever seen.

No panic?

With Katie?

None.

I think Rob and I are in worse shape than
she is, at the most.

But if you need me, I'll be in O'Neill's office.

Mary, he's ready.

You have never seen anybody more ready.

We'll set it up for tomorrow morning.

Hello?

Washington calling.

Martha or George?

George.

Oh, come on now, don't get your circuits crossed.

No, he ain't here, but I'll take a message.

Got it.

So long.

Hi, Charlie.

Hi, Steve.

You just had a call from Washington, D.C.

Oh, any message?

Yeah, they missed you at the office and wanted to make
sure that you knew you had an appointment with some general.

Uh-huh.

That's General Stryker of the Air Force.

He's their aircraft expert.

He has to okay our new bracket assembly
before we can sell it to them.

Well, if it's as good as you say it is,
it ain't gonna be no problem.

I'm not so sure, Charley.

General Stryker has the reputation of
being a real tough customer.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, hi, Katie.

Didn't know you were home.

I just got here.

How you feeling?

Fine.

Good.

Hey, that's new, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

Just got it at the baby shower last night.

That's very pretty.

Thank you.

Baby shower?

We can rig out that baby ourselves without
any help from a bunch of twittering females.

Well, that's not the idea, Charley.

It's the... well, it's the sentiment of the thing.

Heh.

You're so gone on that, baby, you'll put up with anything.

So is that much, huh?

I don't like to be a spoil sport,
but aren't you a little young for the job?

I'm as old as everybody else, Michael.

Well, that's a relief.

But you ain't gonna reach many voters
putting up a sign in here.

I'm just hanging it up to dry.

Hey, have you seen Ernie?

We're gonna be late for school.

The candidate's right here.

The candidate?

When the kids in my homeroom found out I
was gonna be an uncle, they drafted me.

Now there's a qualification that's been
overlooked up till now.

That's weird, Ernie.

No, it isn't.

I happen to fit the ideal political image.

Uncle Sam.

Uncle Sam and Uncle Ernie.

Hey!

We thought the expecting grandfather
should have a shower of his own.

A grandfather shower?

Yeah, let's get the party going and give
the man his present.

Here's my stick.

Are you going directly to Mr. Douglas' office?

Certainly.

We are early for our appointment.

You're so much the better.

Well, maybe Mr. Douglas has other things on his agenda.

I don't know.

I'm sure Mr. Douglas will agree that nothing is
more important than the aircraft to defend our country.

Yes, sir.

Hello.

Well, at least you'll have two diaper pins
that won't get lost.

Yeah, we didn't want to give you anything impractical.

Well, I appreciate that.

Oh, this will come in handy, too.

You're guaranteed to last all night.

Pull it up and take a week off.

Still very early, sir.

We weren't due until 10-hundred.

Yes, sir.

I thought we might utilize your time by an
inspection of the plant.

It's not necessary.

We have last week's report from the inspection team.

True.

True, but sometimes a personal observation
can be a waste of time, Major.

Yes, sir.

With all this equipment, I don't have to
be prepared for anything.

Thanks very much.

Just one more thing.

Is this some kind of joke, Major?

I know, sir.

It's the correct office according to the name on the door.

Yes, sir.

Well, I'm, uh, I'm Stephen Douglas.

Hello.

Major Bowles.

Yes, Major.

Well, I wasn't expecting you, General.

Well, I was expecting you, of course,
but I mean not, uh, not right now.

Obviously.

Uh, we...

Won't you come into my office, General?

Not today.

Oh.

Well, uh, sit down, won't you, gentlemen?

I wouldn't want to interrupt anything important.

No, no, no.

Please sit down.

Of course, uh, this isn't, uh, standard
office procedure, General Stryker.

It's, uh, well, a group of them just got
together to give me a surprise baby shower

because I'm, uh, about to become a
grandfather for the first time.

A grandfather?

When?

Well, not for a while yet.

I'm very pleased for you, Douglas.

Uh, thank you.

As you know, we require a detailed drawing
and specifications of the assembly.

Uh-huh.

Well, they're right here, sir.

There you are.

Uh, check the tolerance factor, Major.

Yes, sir.

I hope you're aware of what this baby is
going to mean to you, Douglas.

Oh, I... I think I am, sir.

I doubt it.

I'd like to see a preliminary drawing.

It gives me a sense of being in on the ground floor.

My grandson, William James Stryker II,
he's named after me, of course, was born.

I tell you, it was a sacred moment.

I'm sure it was, General.

Here you are.

I said to myself, this child will see and
do things that I can't even dream of.

Now, where's the markup of the assembly?

Oh, this appears to be it, sir, correct?

That's correct.

You'll find our precision tooling can't be
improved, General.

You'll forgive me, Douglas.

I'll determine that for myself.

Boy or a girl?

I beg your pardon?

Is the baby going to be a boy or a girl?

Oh.

Oh, of course we don't know.

I imagine it'll be one or the other.

You mean you can't tell?

Hold this a minute, Major.

You actually can't tell?

How does she walk?

Well, she... She tilts back a little.

Well, I'd like to see her.

I think I could determine the sex of that
child in very short order.

Oh.

Well, I hope you can meet her sometime, General.

Fine.

Major, when we finish this preliminary
work, we'll move out to the Douglas house.

Very good, sir.

Is that a two or a five?

That's a two, sir.

There's no doubt in my mind at all.

General, you can actually tell by the way she walks, huh?

Certainly.

She walks exactly the way my daughter-in-law walks.

You can expect a boy.

A boy?

You're not disappointed, are you?

Oh, no.

Of course not.

It's just that we've been thinking of it
as a baby, not as a boy or a girl.

Well, you better get used to the idea.

It's a boy.

General, I ran the assembly through the
lab, as you suggested.

The tolerances are mild to specs.

You, uh...

I see you have somebody running for something.

Yes, my, uh... My son Ernie's running for student council.

Tell him to use more yellow in his posters.

The color yellow carries farther than any other color.

General, about the bracket assembly?

Yes, you had it tested.

I know you told me.

How many of these did you have made, Douglas?

A half dozen, sir.

Well, if you can spare one, I'd like to
send it on to Washington.

By all means, sir.

You're going to send it to the Pentagon
without a stressed or test, sir?

The Pentagon?

Of course not.

Sending it on to my boy's house.

Douglas said he had spares.

Little Billy will love it.

Ooh.

I think there's anything in what he says.

Who?

General Stryker.

I think he can really tell what the baby will be.

I don't see how.

He sounded so positive.

Generals sound positive about everything.

It goes with the rank.

Will it make any difference to you if it's a boy or a girl?

Of course not.

Will it to you?

Oh, don't be silly.

The important thing is that he should be a healthy baby.

Hey, what's with the he stuff?

Well, he sounded so positive.

I know.

Just don't throw away that list of girls' names.

I won't.

He certainly seems to be an authority on babies.

Well, at least he never stops talking about them.

I get the feeling that our baby's
interfering with Dad's sales campaign.

Oh, don't worry about it, hon.

General Stryker's already invited Dad to go
along with him on a field inspection tomorrow.

You're good as champs.

He has to talk business then.

Good night.

Good night.

Well,

that was a very interesting tour, General.

I suppose we can get out of here.

The thing you've got to be careful of is blankets.

Blankets?

Yes, sir, I know.

You wrap up a brand new baby in too many
blankets, first thing you know he has a heat rash.

Well, now that I think of it, the first two boys weren't
bothered, but we did have a little trouble with Chip.

I'll send you a tube of the ointment we
used on Billy, best on the market.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

It's no trouble at all, but great for diaper rash.

Oh, you had trouble with diaper rash?

Yes, until we hit on the right formula.

That's another thing I want to talk to you about, sir.

Have you checked on formulas?

Well, it seemed a little early for that.

I swear you can't be too careful.

No, I suppose you can't.

General Stryker, don't let them try to
talk you into any of that pre-digested stuff.

And, Father Major, where are those plans?

Right on your desk, sir.

Well, why don't you tell me?

Douglas, I'm going to have to leave you.

I have this appointment with old General Benjamin.

Sir, do you think we might be able to spend a few
minutes talking about the bracket after your appointment?

Oh, I doubt it.

General Benjamin never stops talking about his family.

My niece is Linda.

Well, this is not expected pleasure.

And you know the major?

Yeah.

So now, Steve, these are my brother's girls, Steve.

If I don't get to see them every trip out
here, they write nasty letters to the president.

Now, this is the overall picture.

We took the Liberty of ordering for you, Uncle Will.

Fine.

And, Major, we remembered yours from the last time.

Thank you.

Mr. Douglas, what will you have?

Oh, I don't think it'll be right.

Terribly sorry, sir.

I'll get another.

I don't think the papers have been harmed, sir.

Of course not, Major.

We'll just consider them possible.

Properly christened.

Now, you men go right ahead with your work.

We'll sit here and pretend we're interested.

Would you like me to quote the installation figure, sir?

Well, I'm already familiar with the
installation figures, Major.

I don't always take those naps I say I'm taking.

I understand the installation quote comes from
a man in your employ by the name of Anderson.

Yes, and he's a very good man.

Well, if you vouch for him, I don't think
there's much else to discuss.

Oh, but there is, sir.

Have you seen this?

I hope you realize, General, these are the
total installation costs.

There are no hidden charges.

Douglas, the minute I sized you up, I knew
there was no question of hidden charges.

I propose we drink a toast to Steve.

Welcome to the ranks of grandfathers.

Oh, I never would have believed it.

Oh, you're much too young.

Oh, thank you.

Those are my first reactions, but I've
gotten used to the idea.

To Steve.

Hello.

Thank you.

Now, sir, I've broken down the cost per unit.

By eliminating the surcharge, good for you, Major.

I broke them down this morning.

Oh, Linda, Susan, I haven't shown you the
latest pictures of Billy, have I?

Oh, no, you haven't.

He's grown a lot.

Oh, I'm sorry, Major.

I know, right, sir?

Just consider that my pants have been properly christened.

Listen, don't put the guy down just
because he thinks he can read Katie's spine.

Uncle Charlie, he didn't read her spine.

He just said that he could tell by the way
she walked that the baby was going to be a boy.

Well, maybe he can.

I know a dame once in Singapore who could
read the future by throwing hunks of liver at a wall.

I've got a feeling about that man.

I don't think he misses a thing.

Sir, I believe you'll find a tensile strength of 1.087.

What'd you say, Major?

I believe a tensile strength of 1.087.

Don't you mean .087?

Let's get our figures right, Major.

It's right here, sir.

Sorry, sir.

Gravy stink.

I already told Steve there's going to be a boy.

What makes you think so?

I don't think it.

I know it.

Oh, come now, Uncle Will.

Even the general doesn't know that.

Oh, it has nothing to do with rank.

It's just a matter of trained observation.

I've seen Katie walk.

You're talking about an old wife's tale.

Well, I suppose there must be some basis
of fact for old wives' tales.

Otherwise, how did they get started in the first place?

Yeah.

Well, I don't know, but...

All right.

I'm going to prove it.

Well, what did I tell you?

What do you think, Susan?

Well, that is just the way Ann Foster looked.

She had a boy.

Yes, but she looked the same way when she
had her little girl.

You girls just don't want to admit that I'm right.

Well, we can't go too far wrong, can we?

I mean, it either has to be a boy or a girl.

Well, I must say I'd be happy either way.

I will, too.

Of course.

Oh, Katie, I have a darling pattern for a little knitsack.

Sir, make it blue.

Pink, and I'll make the booties.

Blue.

Pink.

I'm very fond of yellow for babies.

All right, then it'll be yellow.

Okay, yellow.

With a blue trim.

Sir, sir.

Yes, I know, Major.

Well, I let the time go by, and now the Major
and I have to catch a plane back to Washington.

Steve, it's been a real pleasure.

But, uh... Katie, I want your husband to
send me a wire the minute your boy is born.

Come along, girls.

Drop you off on the way.

Good night, Katie.

Let's move out, Major.

Thank you.

Yes, good night.

Major.

I like that man, Dad.

He certainly is sure of himself.

No, he's right about it, being a boy.

Well...

Is something wrong?

Oh, nothing that a nice new order for
brackets wouldn't cure, Katie.

Oh, he left with that...

Good night.

Good night.

Hi, Charlie.

Well, how'd everything go today?

Charlie?

Oh, Steve, I didn't know you were home.

Charlie, uh... Huh?

Uh, what's in the... Oh, oh, oh.

Now, uh, what did you say?

I said, uh, how did everything go today?

Loud.

Gordon came over with his new Upside Down
Butterflies album, and they played it nonstop all afternoon.

Oh, that's... Uh... That's pretty rough.

Yeah, but not as rough as you losing that
Air Force order for them brackets.

Robbie told me the general striker left
without buying them.

Yeah, well, you can't win them all, Charley.

Yeah, but we're not winning any.

Ernie lost his election today, too.

Oh.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Oh, hi, Ernie.

I'm sorry about the election.

Well, I guess the best man won.

If you can call a girl the best man.

Oh, a girl?

Yeah, a real dark horse.

But she was an aunt when she was six.

She was six years old.

Well, I'm glad to see it's not upsetting.

Heck, no.

No, I don't have to make an acceptance speech.

My teacher says she's giving me an A in
art because of my posters.

Well, good for you.

Hello?

Yes, this is Stephen Douglas.

General Spiker.

Steve, it suddenly struck me that I ran
off and left you high and dry.

Well, I want to set it straight right now.

Well, I'll admit I was a little on edge, General.

Yes.

Well, the bracket won't do.

It, uh, it won't do?

Uh, I was wrong, Steve.

Billy didn't take to it at all.

Preferred a blue rabbit.

Uh, General, we are talking about the assembly.

A very bad joke, I'm afraid, Steve.

Actually, Billy did prefer a blue rabbit, which shows
that he does know a good assembly when he sees it.

Well, then your people went over.

Of course.

There's a letter on the way.

Oh, Steve, tell Katie to walk fast when she moves.

Saundering never does anybody any good.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Well, that settles that.

He got the order.

Uh-huh.

Well, how can you tell?

Uh-huh.

All he's saying is uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Well, look at him.

That ain't no grouchy.

Uh-huh.

That's a happy.

Uh-huh.

You gotta learn to interpret your uh-huh if you
want to learn to read telephone conversations.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

This Saturday night, experience Mr. Ed in Vertivision.

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