Uh, baby nurse, huh?
Yeah, baby nurse.
You know, one of them dames that hang
around there, they bring the kid home.
Well, Charley, I haven't given it too much
thought, but I suppose Robbie will have to hire one.
Why?
Well, because I can't very well stay home from the office
and no one else around here knows much about babies.
Well, what am I, chopped liver?
Steve, you remember me telling you about
how me and a pharmacist's mate delivered a
baby in the back of a rickshaw in Singapore?
Steve, you're looking at a professional.
Now, Charley, nobody's asking you to
deliver a baby, but just how much do you
know about taking care of an infant after it's born?
Well, well, plenty.
Well, just to stand, Charley, I think it'd
be a good idea for you to check with a
mother and father before you, uh, buy your nurse's cap.
Well, I've got to get to that meeting.
I'll see you.
Steve, I gotta hand it to you.
For what, Charley?
You sure know how to wreck a conversation.
Why don't you get more comfortable, honey?
If I lie down, I'll never be able to get up.
Oh, come on, you're not that big.
Yes, I am.
I accidentally looked in a store window.
I look like I'm pushing a shopping cart.
Oh, uh, I was just passing by with a
couple of hot chocolates on the tray,
so I thought I'd drop in.
Thanks.
Oh, you're a wonderful man, Charley O 'Casey.
Did I ever say any different?
Say, I, uh, I was wondering, what happens
to the baby after you bring him home?
Uh, that is the, the first few days.
Oh, we haven't given it much thought, Uncle Charley.
I guess we'll have to get somebody who
knows something about babies.
Like who?
Baby nurse, I suppose.
Anybody.
Anybody that knows something about babies.
It's a cinch we don't.
Yeah, but with a house full of guys and
one who has really been around,
it seems kind of dumb to bring in some stranger.
If you're talking about Dad, forget it.
He's more nervous about this whole thing than we are.
Hey, this is great chocolate, Uncle Charley.
I wasn't talking about your dad.
Oh, Robbie.
It'll be more than useless.
He doesn't even come equipped with motherly instinct.
Right.
I'll see you guys.
Thanks for the chocolate.
It's good.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Iris.
It's Iris.
Tell her I'm doing my homework.
He's doing his homework.
Is there anything I can help you with?
Gee, I don't know what to tell you.
Who is it?
It's Ernie's dad.
It's Ernie's girlfriend.
She's not my girlfriend.
My blood hasn't changed that much.
She wants to know if you have any friends
who could babysit over at her sister's house.
Hey, wait a minute.
Give me that phone.
Hiya, honey.
This is Ernie's uncle.
You want a babysitter?
You got one.
What time?
Got it.
Turn right where?
Got it.
No, I don't know what I charge.
That ain't important.
You just tell your sister I'll be there.
God, Uncle Charley.
You said babysitting was one of the first
signs of rigor mortis setting in or something.
By the time that kid gets here,
I'll be the baby expert of all time.
If I have to sit every kid from here to Timbuktu.
What does that mean?
My psych teacher said... My psych teacher says that when
people get older, their synaptic connections get pooped.
And they talk real weird.
Oh, yeah?
Am.
I glad to see you.
I promised my husband I'd meet him at the concert, and if
Iris hadn't found you, I don't know what I would have done.
Yeah, well, you're doing me a favor, too.
Now, his milk is in the refrigerator.
Anything else you might need, you'll find in his room.
The TV set is over there.
And we'll be home about 11.30.
Um, is he asleep?
I put him down about ten minutes ago.
Oh, by the way, his name is Carl, but we call him Feeny.
Feeny?
Just one of those things you call infants for no reason.
But he's used to it.
Well, I can't tell you how pleased I am you're here.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
It's a good thing she didn't run the test
to see how good I am at changing diapers.
Well, I might as well look in on the little fella.
Hi.
Hi.
Your mother didn't tell me about you.
Yes, she did.
Hey, come on, listen, Alice.
When your elders tell you something, don't contradict them.
She said that Feeny was asleep in
the other room and that... And that...
Oh, no.
Right, I'm Feeny.
It's a program I want to watch.
There's nobody here but us chickens.
But I was expecting a baby.
Your mother and dad let you get away with this?
They're not here.
But tomorrow's a school day, ain't it?
Shh.
Look, I'm asking you something.
Is it or ain't it a school day tomorrow?
Cool it, mister.
Cool it?
Hey, cut it out.
Cut it out, nothing.
Come on, come on, come on.
Hey, cut it out.
This is my house.
Yeah, well... Hey, stop.
Come on.
Now, you stay in there, you little monster.
And remember something.
In case you get any ideas, I've been in
fights in Singapore, Macau, and Hong Kong,
and I can handle any nine-year-old
delinquent who ever lived.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Iris.
For what?
What did he do?
No kidding.
Hey, Uncle Charley, Iris said you can
babysit her nephew again.
His folks said they never saw such a change in anyone.
Yeah, well, he got out of line.
Tell her, tell her.
Give me that.
I'll tell her myself.
Iris?
Hi, Arnie.
I'm glad you want me again.
But, uh...
I'm looking for little babies to sit.
Huh?
How many sisters you got?
Right.
Turn left at the big tree.
Three blocks.
Uh-huh.
What time do they want me?
I got it.
Thanks.
How come you want to babysit little babies, Uncle Charley?
Because they don't talk back and they don't ask questions.
Is that the real reason?
No.
All right.
God, Chip, you were right.
About what?
Uncle Charley.
He slapped his connections again.
How do you do?
I'm Charley O'Casey.
Iris sent me.
Oh, fine.
Oh, please, come in.
Oh, thank you.
John, this is Mr. O'Casey.
He's going to babysit.
How do you do, Mr. O'Casey?
Hi.
His bottles are in the refrigerator,
and I've sort of got a pot of water
simmering on low so he can warm them up a little quicker.
Yeah, but first of all, how old is he?
Oh, only 12 weeks.
Don't let him cry for more than a minute or so.
He gets a rash.
Mary, this man has probably sat with a million babies.
He knows what to do.
I know, but this is the first time we've
ever left him, and he's so little.
Well, you see, we feel a little guilty about
going out, but the doctor says we should.
Mary hasn't left the house in weeks.
Yeah, well, you should go out.
Yes, yes, you're right.
Oh, his diapers are right next to his
bassinet, and we use this medicated powder.
Oh, honey, the man knows all that.
Oh, of course he does.
And I, uh, stuck his safety pins in the bar of
soap so they'd penetrate his diapers easily.
And his little feet get cold easily, so...
We'll be at friends' in case you need us.
I propped the number up there by the phone.
By the phone.
Now, now, honey, take it easy.
Mr. O'Casey knows what he's doing, okay?
Now, don't get nervous, Uncle Charley.
Don't get nervous.
Everything is going to be all right.
Everything is going to be all right.
The kids are almost asleep.
Don't get nervous.
Hello, Katie.
Come over here, quick.
I'm in big trouble.
Is that all there is to it?
Oh, I think so.
Well, at least he's quiet now.
Well, uh, how much handling can they take?
I mean, uh, don't they, bust easy or something?
No, they're sturdier than you think.
You have to support their backs and their heads, though.
Well, how do you know all this?
Well, for the same reason you called me
instead of Dad or one of the boys.
I'm a girl.
Ain't nobody ever gonna deny that.
Thanks, Katie.
My pleasure.
It never hurts to practice active motherhood.
Good night.
Good night.
We tried, Mr. O'Casey.
We really tried.
But halfway through the bridge game,
we both suddenly had to come home.
He's asleep.
Naturally.
Did he give you any trouble?
Oh, he woke up once, but it was just a
matter of putting dry slacks on him.
Dry slacks?
Dry slacks?
We can thank Mr. O'Casey here.
May we call you again?
Sure.
I mean, you don't know what it will mean to Mary and
me having an expert in the house when we go somewhere.
Anytime.
And if I were you, I wouldn't bother about
the low flame under the pot.
I find that the bottles heat just as fast
without them, and you don't waste gas.
And I wouldn't keep his room so hot.
I got three boys at home, and I believe in open windows.
Should we be writing this down, Joe?
Just common sense.
Now, he may be a little young for the open
window bit, but watch the heat.
And I suppose you're remembering about
supporting the back and the head.
Oh, and another thing.
Too much power.
Hey, what's the idea?
What are you guys still doing up?
We got hung up on this movie, Uncle Charley.
Yeah?
It's about this guy.
The guy who kisses about 40 girls.
Well, that's because he hates this other
girl he's in love with.
Thinks she's about to destroy him.
Yeah?
Well, we're never gonna find out.
Come on, it's your school night.
Come on, up to bed.
How long before she destroys him?
It's still about two more commercials.
We'd better go to bed.
Come on, come on.
Aren't you home early for babysitting?
Oh, the parents got a little nervous and
they came home early.
They didn't know they had an expert.
They didn't know they had an expert on their hands.
Hi, Uncle Charley.
Hiya.
I hear you nearly blew your first diaper-changing job.
Yeah?
Well, let me tell you something.
Katie didn't do anything to that kid that I couldn't do.
After she left, I fed him and I turned him
over a couple of times.
And if he needed it, I could have changed him, too.
And don't you forget it.
What brought that on?
Well, Chip says when you get older, your head snaps.
Uncle Charley's head's been snapping for the past few days.
I didn't say his head snapped.
I said his synaptic connections are maybe
getting a little tired.
That's just what I would say.
You didn't.
You said his head snapped.
Oh, no, no, I didn't.
It's not.
No, no, no, no.
Oh.
Oh, I've seen many a squall in my day,
but never a squall like this.
Come on now, quick squirming or you'll get
a safety pin stuck in your quarter deck.
Oh, yoke, yoke, yoke, and a hot love formula.
And down to the sea in milk.
Here, honey, it ain't three fingers of
red-eye, but it'll get you by.
Oh, Dee-coo-coo-Lee-coo-coo.
Oh, Dee-coo-coo-Lee-coo-coo.
Coo-coo-coo-Lee-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-
O 'Casey, may I tell you, you're simply wonderful.
Later.
Right now, this little guy is ready to conk out.
I've never seen anyone so knowledgeable
about babies, Mr. O'Casey.
Is there anything you don't know?
Not a thing.
It took a while, but right now I'd say I'm
an expert, and I'm ready.
For when your nephew's baby comes home, you mean?
That's right.
Now, all they have to do is ask me.
And let go of my nose.
No, can you look under B?
I did.
Said to look under P. Private nursing care.
Well, hiya, folks.
Hi.
Hi, Uncle Charley.
Been out on another babysitting job?
Right.
Cute little duffer, just six months old.
Well, you must be making a fortune.
Well, the money is a pleasant surprise.
But that's not what I went into.
That's not what I went into it for.
I said, that's not what I went into it for.
What are you folks looking at?
Baby nurses.
We thought we ought to have one lined up.
Here it is.
Private nursing care.
There's a bunch of numbers.
Uncle Charley, do you have a pencil?
Uncle Charley?
Uncle Charley?
Ernie and Chip say he's been acting a little weird.
He's been weird lately.
Well, let's see which one is closest to us.
There's one in.
Charley?
Yeah?
What are you doing sitting there with the light off?
Robbie said you went to bed early.
I see you haven't gone to bed at all.
I may never go to bed again.
Now, that's not the most sensible thing
I've ever heard you say.
What's the trouble?
Those kids out there find themselves a baby nurse.
Is that the trouble?
That's the trouble.
Well, Charley, why don't you tell them
what you've been doing?
I'm sure they'll reconsider.
I don't want them to reconsider.
I don't want anybody to tell them anything.
I want them to ask me because I'm Uncle Charley.
And I want them to want me, too.
Now, don't you say anything.
You promise, Steve?
All right, Chuck, I promise.
But, Charley... Look, I don't
want to talk about it anymore.
Do you mind turning off the light when you leave?
How.
Come you have to make the dinner when
you're so giant, Katie?
Man, Ernie, you don't tell girls they're giant just
because they weigh 40 more pounds than they used to.
I've only gained 12 pounds.
I just look bigger.
Because as Uncle Charley says, my
cargo has shifted to a night babysitting job.
Ivers said her... I said something... feeds them
and powders them and sings to them and burps them.
It must be weird seeing Uncle Charley
doing that kind of job.
Must be at that.
Uncle Charley's late again.
I wish you wouldn't take those afternoon
babysitting jobs and leave all the cooking to you.
Oh, I don't mind.
Good practice for when we have our own home.
I wonder why... Why does it?
I guess for the money.
Everybody says he's getting to be quite an expert at it.
Ernie says he sings to the babies,
changes them, burps them, powders them.
You think he'd do it?
I'd be asking a lot.
After all, Uncle Charley would lose all that
babysitting money if we asked him to be our baby nurse.
Yeah, you're right.
He'd be an imposition.
You know...
There's two ways of handling this.
I could pretend I didn't hear the whole
conversation and make you come right out and ask me.
We didn't hear you come in, Uncle Charley.
No, as a matter of fact, we were just...
Well, we don't see you much these days, Uncle Charley.
Afternoon babysitting runs into night babysitting.
Rob and I were sort of talking about you.
I heard.
I heard.
I said there were two ways of handling this.
Make you come right out and ask me.
Or?
Or take the shortcut and say yes.
Uncle Charley.
Uncle Charley.
That's great.
You saved the day.
Wonderful.
One thing bothers me, though.
You were all thumbs in panic the other
night when I came over to help you.
Remember?
Barely.
Then why would you deliberately go after babysitting jobs?
Well, yeah.
What she means is, when anybody could see that
you weren't very good at it, why would you deliberately...
You didn't.
I did.
He didn't and he did what?
He went out.
He went out and got good at babysitting.
Baby care.
Just so that we would ask him what we finally asked him.
Oh, Uncle Charley.
Hi.
Hi, Dad.
Dad, you'll never guess what Uncle Charley did.
That's right, Steve.
What did Uncle Charley do?
They're congratulating me because I did
something kind of noble.
And I think they're right.
Well, come on, you guys.
I'm going to make one of my famous
midnight two-minute coffee cakes.
Yo!
Uncle Charley must have thought we were pretty slow.
Oh, we can't thank you enough.
You're a star.
Well, that's what I like, to come home to
a nice, sensible conversation.
Well, that's what I like, to come home to
a nice, sensible conversation.
Well, that's what I like, to come home to
a nice, sensible conversation.
Well, that's what I like, to come home to
a nice, sensible conversation.
Well, that's what I like, to come home to
a nice, sensible conversation.
Well, that's what I like, to come home to
a nice, sensible conversation.
Well, that's what I like, to come home to
a nice, sensible conversation.
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