09x06 - Big Ol' Katie

[bunniefuu]

You.

Can borrow the pattern if you want to.

Could I?

Sure.

Oh, that's great.

Honey, look, isn't this darling?

Yeah.

I'm going to make one.

Yeah, that'll be nice, honey.

I think we really lost the game at the end
of the second quarter.

Well, either that or when that third down comes,
all the rest of the... Say, wait till you try this dip.

I picked up the recipe in Singapore from a
Malay grave digger.

Uncle Charley, I already made dip.

It's in the green container in the refrigerator.

Did you do that on purpose?

We couldn't figure out what it was,
so Ernie fed it to tr*mp.

To tr*mp?

Oh, it's okay.

He wouldn't eat it.

I really shouldn't eat this.

My doctor says I don't dare gain another ounce.

You don't have time to gain much more.

Oh, what are you worried about?

Katie's already as big as you are.

Oh?

Oh, you look like it to me.

Me?

Well, look, lots of things are as big as Lisa.

There's cement trucks and whales.

Here, ladies, I brought you a soft drink.

Thank you, Mr. O'Casey.

One for you, too, Katie.

Only yours is diet.

Do you think I'm as big as you are?

I mean, you're farther along and everything.

I don't think anybody's as big as I am.

I don't think anybody's as big as I am.

Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Well, hello, Brian.

Well, Lisa, how are you feeling?

Fine, thank you.

Oh, that's good.

Say, just when is the baby due?

Last week.

Oh.

Doesn't seem to be in much of a hurry.

Well, when it's ready, you'll know.

Excuse me.

Hey, Robbie.

Yeah, I want to show you a play last week
that really bugged me.

Remember that pass by Novak?

Yeah.

Well, look.

Brian.

Just a minute, honey.

I want to show Robbie this play.

Brian.

Oh, my gosh.

Are you having a pain?

Oh, we got to get her out of here.

Yeah.

Oh, look at that.

She's all doubled up.

Dad.

Hey, Dad.

Breathe.

Oh, my God.

What is it?

Oh, Lisa.

Oh, is it the baby, Lisa?

Uh-huh.

We got to call somebody.

Oh, who is it that delivers babies?

Is it the police department?

Is it the fire department?

Well, it's usually a doctor.

Oh, a doctor.

Doctor.

Oh, Lisa, what's Dr. Norton's name?



Uh, this is 790-9230.

Brian.

Huh?

I'll call for you.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, light it.

Take it easy now.

Be careful.

All right, sweetheart.

Take it easy.

Relax, relax.

I think you'll be all right.

Don't get sad.

Breathe deeply.

Dad, calm down.

Don't have to worry about it.

The baby will be all right.

Easy.

Let's call in the doctor.

He'll be all right.

Breathe in.

You know, in and out.

Hello.

Uh, Dr. Norton, please.

Well, are you in touch with him?

Fine.

Well, I'm calling for Mrs., uh, Bryant Colfax.

She started her labor pains.

Yes.

Hey, Steve, I'll boil some water.

What for?

Somebody always boils water in the movies.

This isn't a movie, so you better forget it, huh?

Oh, Dr. Norton.

Yes, she is.

Yes, I know all about that.

Fine, doctor.

We'll let you know.

Right.

Well, it's just the same as it used to be.

Time the pains, and when they're four
minutes apart, you take her to the hospital.

I think you're closer than that.

Oh?

Well, I guess maybe you'd better take her to the hospital.

Let's go.

Come on, Lisa.

Here.

Up you go.

Take it easy.

There you go, girl.

Oh, I can't go to the hospital.

My suitcase is at home.

The suitcase?

Well, I'll get her suitcase.

Brian.

Brian.

Just get her in the car, will you?

Now, Robbie will get her suitcase and bring it to the car.

I'll get the suitcase, Brian.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, wait, listen.

My car keys.

I don't know where my car keys are.

Brian, don't worry about it.

I'll take you and Mike.

It's right out by the curb.

Thank you, Mr. Douglas.

Easy.

Hey, Steve.

I got to hand it to you.

You're the only one of us who didn't run
around with his head in his hand.

Don't forget, Charlie.

I've been through all this before.

Come on to bed, honey.

I can't sleep.

Brian will call us the minute the baby gets here.

Well, it's not that.

What is it, then?

Rob, I don't know how you can stand me.

Katie, what are you talking about?

Well, I'm already bigger than Lisa,
and the baby isn't even due yet.

I'm so big and ugly, I don't know how you
can stand the sun.

It's inside of me.

Honey, how can you think a thing like that?

You know, I'm almost glad you have to go
to your Army Reserve training Saturday.

And you won't have to look at me for two weeks.

Katie, I'm glad I'm going, too,
but not because I don't want to look at

you, but because I'll be back before the babies do.

You see all those pretty girls at school every day?

They look like a big whale.

Not one of them is as beautiful as you are.

You mean that?

Of course I do.

Rob, I wish I could believe you.

You can.

Well, that was a great meal, Mr. O'Casey.

Do you know that yesterday was the first
time I ever forgot to eat?

Well, from now on, you show up here at mealtimes.

I don't want to be reading any headlines
like, New father drops dead of starvation.

I may just do that.

Good, then I can tell Lisa to quit worrying about you.

Hey, did I tell you that Lisa thinks the
baby looks just like me?

Only six times.

And you know, he has everything.

He's got toenails and fingernails and hair and everything.

What did you expect?

Well, I don't know.

But just imagine being so little.

And having everything.

He'd better have everything.

He ain't no head of Pearl necklace.

Hey, I better be getting back to the hospital.

Thank you again, Mr. O'Casey.

Well, you come to dinner on time, or we won't
let you tell us how the baby looks just like you.

Okay.

Bye-bye, Katie.

Goodbye.

He's so happy, Uncle Charley.

Makes me feel like it's worthwhile looking like this.

After all, it's only temporary.

Hey, where'd Brian go?

Back to the hospital.

Hey, Uncle Charley, how come you made apple raisin cookies?

What's the matter with them?

Well, I don't like them much.

Coconut spice are better.

Yeah.

I noticed they took away your appetite.

Hey, Ernie, what'd you do with my library book?

It's on the counter, clear on the other side of Katie.

Clear on the other side of Katie?

I must look like a hippopotamus.

Oh, not in the face.

Boy, why'd you have to go and call her a hippopotamus?

I didn't call her anything.

I just sort of agreed with her.

Look, the poor kid already feels she's as big as me.

She's as big as a barn.

But, Uncle Charley, she is big.

Sure she is.

But instead of hurting her feelings,
we're going to potentiate.

I don't get it.

But okay.

I wish you didn't have to work tonight.

No choice, honey.

Friday nights and hamburgers go together.

We'll be snowed at the driver.

Besides, you know, we need the money.

Oh, I know.

But you're going to camp tomorrow, and...

I get it.

Hello?

What dance?

No, Rob has to work.

Well, it's nice of you to call, but...

Thanks.

Bye.

Who was that, honey?

Faith McAndrews.

What'd she say?

She and d*ck wanted us to go to the dance
with them tonight.

Oh.

Why didn't you tell me there was a dance at school tonight?

I didn't think you'd care about going.

Mainly, I have to work.

You were ashamed to be seen with me.

Now, honey...

Well, if I were a man, I wouldn't want to take a girl so
big I couldn't get my arms around her to a dance, either.

See?

I can get my arms around you.

Then why didn't you tell me about the dance?

I told you, I've got to work tonight.

We need the money.

Now, come on.

I've got to get dressed.

Well, the least you could have done was tell me about it.

Katie, honey, if it's that important to
you, we'll go to the dance.

How can we?

It's Terry's night off.

I'll give him a call.

I'll give him a call and see if he can work for me.

No, I don't want to go.

But I thought you did.

What's the use of going?

Tubs of lard can't dance.

You're not a tub of lard.

I will just watch the others dance or sit
and listen to the music.

No, I don't want to go.

That's final?

That's final.

Why?

Why don't we go?

I don't want to only embarrass you.

All the pretty girls will be there and
you'll be stuck with a big clumsy elephant.

Katie, you're beautiful and graceful and I love you.

Now, do you want to go to the dance?

No.

No.

Come on and walk me downstairs, then.

Come on.

I thought you might like to go somewhere
tonight, so I'm leaving you the car.

Somebody's going to pick me up.

Where would I go?

No, I don't know.

Go to a movie or visit somebody.

Do you good to get out?

Maybe I will.

And you stay away from all girls who weigh less than you.

I weigh less than 150 pounds.

Honey, I go to work, I wrap hamburgers, and I come home.

The only pretty girl I ever see is you.

And there's my ride.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Hi.

Hi, Gloria.

Time for work, Robbie.

Oh, you must be Katie.

I've heard so much about you.

Yep.

With me.

With me.

Well, uh...

Like you say, it's time for work.

Bye.

Now, and the doctor says he's as normal a
baby as he's ever seen.

Well, that's wonderful, right?

And you should hear him cry.

He screws his face all up, and then he yells.

He really yells.

Babies are pretty good at that.

And Lisa says he looks just like me.

I thought you all said Rob, huh?

I think so.

If you forgot anything, I'll mail it to you.

I sure wish I didn't have to leave you right now.

Don't worry about me.

I'll be all right.

Well, you're not leaving her alone.

We'll all be here with her.

Yeah, besides, I'll be here, too.

I mean, I'm an expert on women in Katie's condition.

Now, you just say goodbye to your wife, and I'll
take this, and I'll call you when your ride gets here.

Okay.

Well, I know you'll all do everything you can.

It's just that I'd rather be here with her myself.

Well, you'll only be gone for two weeks, Rob.

You'll be back before the baby's due.

Hey, I thought you guys would like some
cookies on your ride up to camp.

Oh, thanks, Uncle Charley.

What kind are they?

Coconut spice.

Oh, why didn't you make some more of those apple raisins?

Those were good.

I didn't want to get hung up on a habit.

Hey, Robbie, your ride's here.

All right.

Men this time, honey, and in different uniforms.

And don't forget your doctor's appointment on Monday.

I won't.

I'll take it, Rob.

Forget about Katie and keep your mind on what you're doing.

You know, them training courses can get pretty rough.

I'll try, Uncle Charley.

Good luck.

Goodbye, honey.

Goodbye, Daddy.

Go on, Rob.

No, you're not going to work.

I'm glad he's going.

Maybe he'll remember me the way I look.

That's when we got married instead of the way I look now.

Well, you know, Katie, believe it or not, I'm
sure that's the way he's been seeing you all along.

You taking the whole day off to take Katie to the doctor?

Yeah, I promised Robbie I would.

Hey, will you explain one thing to her?

That looking like a kettle drum is just
part of the whole deal.

You know, mothers-to-be are at this stage, Charlie.

They don't want to be reminded of their shapes.

Well, me and the boys are doing our part.

We struck trucks and tubs and mountains
and elephants from our conversation.

Hey, it ain't easy to talk around Katie these days.

You ready, Kate?

Dad, could you come here for a minute, please?

Yeah.

What is it, Kate?

Something wrong?

I can't tie my shoes.

Maybe I'll...

I can't even see them.

There you are, Katie.

You saw for yourself.

Saw what?

The proof.

I thought so when I heard the heartbeats,
but now we can be sure.

That's what I call a May and December.

Well, maybe not December, but at least
September or October.

You are going to have more than one baby.

More than...

Well, no wonder I'm as big as an elephant.

No wonder at all.

Oh, my...

Dad?

Oh, hey, watch it, watch it.

What is it?

Something wonderful.

You're not going to have a baby or anything, are you?

I'll tell you about it in the car.

And then we mustn't tell another soul until I tell Rob.

I can tell you one thing, Mr. Douglas.

You're going to be a mighty proud grandfather.

Come on.

Grandfather?

My grandfather didn't look like that.

Hi, Katie.

Hi, Chip.

Dad?

Hey, Chip.

Did you see that?

I sure did.

Dad, what happened to Katie?

Oh, the doctor gave her some good news.

It must have been super.

She was all sad and droopy when she left.

Hey, Steve.

What's up, Katie?

Sure was, Charlie.

What happened to her?

Oh, something the doctor told her.

Well, what did the doctor tell her?

Well, let's just say he gave her a new slant on things.

He sure did.

She's in the house dancing.

Good.

No, bad.

Did you ever see an elephant dance?

Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, hi, Brian.

Well, how are Lisa and the baby?

Great.

Hey, you know what, Mr. Douglas?

Uh, what, Brian?

Lisa thinks he looks just like me.

Really?

Imagine that.

Hey, what I really wanted to talk to you about is Katie.

Well, with Robbie away and everything, I thought
maybe we could do something to try to cheer her up.

Oh.

Well, uh...

Hi, Brian.

Hi, Katie.

Katie.

Why are you staring at me like that?

Oh, I don't know.

You just seem so different.

Oh, I am different.

I'm a very special person.

Hey, you two better come on in.

Time for dinner.

Katie.

Are you sure you don't want to tell them?

I mean, they just can't figure out the change in you.

I know it's silly, Dad.

Rob has to be the first one to know.

Oh, sure.

And you.

I had to tell you.

Oh, because I'm his proxy.

Because you're you.

I'll be in in a minute.

Okay.

Hey, get out tossing those dishes.

Those things break.

Not the plastic one.

Katie.

The doctor.

What did the doctor say to you today?

Um, oh, he said I was in terrific shape.

The shape I'm in.

Well, no, I mean, you know, one minute you were moping
around here, and the next... Uh, excuse me, Brian, will you?

Katie, I, uh, I just got a great idea.

Why don't you call Robbie and tell him
about, uh, well, about everything.

Could I?

Sure.

I'll put the call in for you.

Don't you make a phone call until we finish these dishes.

Uh, Robbie Douglas, uh, Robert Douglas in A Company.

Yes, uh, his wife is calling, Mrs. Douglas.

Yeah.

They're ringing the camp now.

Now they're calling A Company.

Yes, that's right, uh, in the reserve.

Oh, I see.

All right, uh, thanks very much.

Well, that's too bad, Katie's, uh, on
bivouac and won't be back till tomorrow night.

Oh, I know what I'll do.

I'll tell him in a letter.

Ah, good idea.

Oh, Steve, did you get Robbie on the phone?

No luck, Charlie.

He's on bivouac.

Oh, sure.

He just couldn't be in camp watching a movie or something.

Uh, Katie?

What, uh, what did the doctor say?

I mean, what were his actual words?

Uh, Bryant, uh, you watching the time?

This ain't the hours of pretty soon, you know.

Well, we don't have half an hour yet.

Uh, you know, if the doctor said anything... I'll tell you
what, Bryant, uh, why don't we play a game of checkers?

Checkers?

Hell, it's a good time passer.

Charlie, where are the checkers?

Why checkers all of a sudden?

You haven't played in years.

Yeah, and I'm sure I haven't lost my touch.

Dad?

Now, don't worry, Kate, now.

We'll be quiet while you write your letter.

Dad!

What's wrong, Kate?

Kate, what's the matter?

The baby!

The baby?

What?

The... You mean... But, Katie, it can't be the baby.

I mean, it's not time for the baby.

The baby's not due yet.

Well, they come when they're ready, Mr. Douglas.

Katie ought to know.

Well, she do.

I mean, do you want to get over on the couch?

Oh, I'd rather not.

Well, I think you should call the doctor.

I'll boil some water.

That's a good idea, Charlie.

A good idea.

I really think you should call the doctor, Mr. Douglas.

Katie, now, look, Robbie will be back any minute.

I mean, he's only going to be gone two weeks now.

I think it'd be a good idea if you tried
to wait until Robbie gets back.

Katie, what's your doctor's name?

What's his number?

Dr. Osborne.

His number's by the phone.

Would you like me to call him?

Call who?

Dr. Osborne.

Dr. Osborne.

What's his name?

Hey, Steve.

The water's on.

Oh, Katie, what are you doing?

My suitcase is upstairs.

Suitcase?

What suitcase?

Oh, the suitcase for the hospital.

You just sit still and I'll get it for you.

Don't you move, Katie.

Brian, what are you doing?

I'm calling the doctor.

Oh.

He says we're supposed to time the pains.

Time the pains?

Well, there's something wrong with this whole thing.

I mean... The baby isn't due yet.

Katie, are the pains frequent?

Yeah, Katie, are the pains frequent?

No.

Oh, I think we should get her to the hospital.

Will you take her arm and help me, Mr. Douglas?

Yes, yes, yes, surely.

Come on.

Here we go.

Easy now.

That's a good one.

Hey, Steve.

The water's boiling.

Get in the car.

Get in the car.

Get in the car.

Get in the car.

You guys better decide which way you're going.

We're taking her upstairs to the hospital.

Get in the bed.

Why are you taking her upstairs?

Well, Mr. Douglas... Dr. Douglas, she's only had one pain.

I mean, somebody must have said,
one pain does not a baby make.

Oh.

Well, why don't we take her upstairs then?

I'll bring the hot water upstairs.

No, that was the first and last pain, Doctor.

Who had a pain?

I don't know.

Everybody was in their rooms when I got
home from the basketball game.

Well, come to think of it, I think she had
another one when she was sitting on the steps.

Well, it must be Katie.

The only other she we got around here is
Gordon's mother next door.

Well, the first pain was very sharp.

And she couldn't walk.

All right, fine, Doctor.

I'll call you if anything happens.

Good night.

I guess she's gonna have the baby.

Sounds like it.

Good night, Ernie.

Good night, Chip.

Good night.