09x14 - The Fountain of Youth

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Dad, when did you comb your hair?

A little while ago.

Why?

Well, it still looks combed.

When I comb my hair, I have to do it about 40 times.

I guess that's because you lead a more
active life than I do, Ernie.

No, I think it's because I'm still at the age
where I put so many clothes on over my head.

Hey, where are you going tonight?

Oh, the boys are giving a little dinner.

Cream of asparagus.

Charlie, I don't eat cream of asparagus soup.

Yeah, well, I was wearing it.

Here.

I haven't worn this one lately.

Oh, thank you very much.

Man, Dad's going over to the Boyers again.

They always have some clunky lady they want him to meet.

Hey, that's my tie.

It is?

Well, I gave it to you for Christmas once
and you never wore it, so I took it back.

Well, if you gave it to him, it's his.

Oh, you want me to call you over to the
Boyers about nine O'clock and tell you

that Ernie fell down the stairs or something, it'll
give you an out in case she's got a face like a waffle.

In case who's got a face like a waffle?

Dad's going over to the Boyers and gets
stuck with some clunky lady.

Man, Dad.

Again?

Now, look, all of you, they were nice
enough to invite me for dinner.

Now, they may have someone they want me to
meet and they may not.

Now, is it all right if I go?

Sure, go ahead.

Well, it's a good idea to help out.

Good luck.

Well, Dad, you going out on a date?

I have been invited to dinner.

The boy is.

He's going to get stuck with a lady that's probably a...

a weirdo.

Again.

Now, look, you guys, Dad wouldn't go if he didn't want to.

Besides, there's something to be said about
the mystery of what amounts to a blind date.

Dad, you go ahead and have a good time.

Well, thanks for giving your dad permission.

Thank you for thanking him, Charlie.

Good night.

Yeah, well, I'll get the asparagus soup
stain out of this tie.

God, poor dad.

I think you guys are looking at it the wrong way.

Suppose the woman turns out to be great.

Suppose, just suppose, that you had a
chance to meet a couple of nice girls.

Now, would you turn it down just because
you were afraid to take the chance?

I guess.

Hold it, Ernie.

He's getting at something.

What are you building up to, Rob?

Well, nothing.

Nothing at all.

I'm just... I'm just saying that the thrill of
a new encounter just can't be tossed off.

You've got two girls you want us to meet, right?

Who are they, Rob?

Well, for one thing, it's in the family.

Katie has a couple of cousins who are
coming out from Indiana.

The answer's no.

Now, wait a minute, Chip.

It's not a date or anything.

It's just a couple of girls.

One of them is a little bit older than you, and the
other one's just a little bit younger than you, Ernie.

Katie and I thought you could show them
around town, sort of.

What do they look like?

Well, I don't care what they look like.

And you quit breaking down, Chip.

What they look like doesn't matter.

For one thing, it's in the family.

Besides, it's the inner being that counts.

A good-looking girl with a terrible
personality is always a dull bore.

On the other hand... Yeah, well, that's what we're getting.

The other hand, the answer's no.

Yeah.

I haven't been around very much,
but even I know that when you start

telling us about personalities and junk,
the girls have got to be a wipe out.

You got a picture of them?

Yeah.

Right here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We'll be seeing you, Rob.

I didn't do it on purpose.

Don't look at me so accusingly.

I barely touched your car.

Would you like to try again?

Would you like the name of my insurance company?

No, thanks.

It really doesn't amount to much.

Are you a friend of the Boyers?

Yes, my name is Stephen Douglas.

I'm Carol Whiting.

I was supposed to meet you here tonight.

Oh, you were?

Well, I'd say we've already met, wouldn't you?

Yes, but I'm afraid it's not a very good start.

Why don't we look at it this way?

Anything from here on in has to be an improvement, huh?

Would you guys mind turning that off for a minute?

Thanks.

Now, uh, have you decided about Debbie and Sandra?

Oh, Debbie and Sandra who?

You know, Katie's cousins from Indiana.

Well, I don't know about Chip, but I decided about them.

I'm not going near them.

Not even if I asked you as a brother or
Katie asked you as a sister-in-law?

Man, Rob.

What is that supposed to mean, Chip?

Man, Rob, you've got a better vocabulary than that.

Hi.

Hi, Dad.

Hi.

Well, Dad?

Yes, they, uh, had somebody they wanted me to meet.

Wow, was she?

Was she a white bat?

No, no, no.

She was, uh, she's a fine woman.

Guy, Dad, you make her sound like a lady
senator or something.

What'd she look like?

She's very attractive.

Well, uh, did she light up your board or anything?

Say, uh, what are you and Chip doing up
this late, uh, on a school night?

It's partly my fault, Dad.

I've been trying to get him to answer a question.

Oh, uh, what was the question?

We better hit the sack, Ernie.

Yeah, suddenly I'm pretty sleepy.

Good night.

Good night.

What was the question, Rob?

Oh, it's a little thing that I wanted him to do.

If I tell you about it, you'll probably force
him to do it, and I don't want it done that way.

Oh.

She wasn't too bad, huh?

Uh, no, no.

I wouldn't say she lighted up my board,
but, uh, she's a very attractive electrician.

When I mentioned family, she, uh,
well, she switched to talk to golf.

You know, and you can only talk about golf so long.

Yeah, James will like that.

I met a wild-looking redhead in Ceylon once, and
all she could talk about was chicken sandwiches.

Chicken sandwiches?

Yeah, she had a good one once in San
Francisco, and every time I'd tell her the

moon was shining, she'd start talking
about chicken sandwiches.

I unloaded her fast.

Uh, Charley, are you, uh, trying to tell me something?

Steve, when I got something to say,
I'd come right out and say it.

Uh, and that stuff about the chicken
sandwiches, that was only philosophical.

You know, I get kind of deep when I'm,
uh, discussing women.

There.

There.

When did you start beating up on pillows?

I remember Dad's face last night when he
asked if that Carol called.

I'd like to have a talk with her myself.

Maybe she just doesn't go for it.

Not go for him?

How could anyone not go for him?

He's sweet and good and handsome and wonderful.

All right, he's all of those things, but
maybe the chemist... How about Chip and...

Look, you coward, you're gonna have to come home sometime.

Guy, Katie, what'd he do?

Oh, he's been avoiding asking you boys something.

Like what?

Cool it, Ernie.

I have a couple of cousins coming here from Indiana.

I don't know if Rob told you, but I was
wondering if you and Chip would show them around.

When do they get here?

They were supposed to be in town by now.

Yeah, we'd be glad to help.

You're kidding.

What, Ernie?

Oh, I meant, uh, you're kidding.

Sort of like, hey, neat.

Rob was supposed to ask you, but I guess
he never got around to it.

Guy, Chip, you said yeah without even thinking about it.

Ernie.

Someday you're gonna learn.

You have to do stuff for your family.

Especially when your dad's standing there looking at you.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Hi, Ernie.

Well, come on, fellas.

You don't want to be late for school.

Hi, Sandra.

This is your cousin.

How are you?

How was your trip?

Fine.

Yeah, I've got a surprise for you.

How would you like two fine boys to show you around town?

Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

Late lab.

Yeah, Rob's brothers, Chip and Ernie,
they're very anxious to meet you.

Well, what difference does that make?

Looks are only skin deep.

Anyway, they're fine-looking boys.

No, ordinary hair, not too long.

Hey, I hear Katie hooked you.

Yeah, she asked us in front of Dad.

Yeah, Chip went up and smoked.

Well, you might get a break.

One of them may be alive.

I'm giving you guys my solemn promise right now.

Your dad is going to let you pick your own
girls when you grow up.

Right, your mother stays out of it.

No, you can't have the car until you take driver's ed.

And get a license.

Get a license.

No, not three cars, one.

You'll have to go on triple dates or something.

Okay, okay.

Maybe two cars, but not three.

I can't afford the insurance on three cars, Charley.

Listen, if it means that much to you,
why don't you buy yourself a pickup truck?

Maybe that's the wrong word.

Make it just an ordinary truck.

How do you like that?

Sandra and Debbie don't even want to go
out with Chip and Ernie.

Good.

That makes it a mutual hostility society.

I can talk them into it.

Oh, Katie, what is this matchmaker thing
that comes out in women?

The girls don't want to go.

The boys don't want to go.

Seems to me the problem is solved.

Nobody goes.

You men.

Always trying to make logic out of common sense.

You're a washer, fellas.

Then it's called a feminine mistake.

Deke.

Who's she?

Never mind.

Care for a little cards, Charlie?

No, I don't care for little cards, Charlie.

Hey.

How about me calling her once?

Just for luck, huh?

Oh, thanks.

But I, uh, I might try once again, just to...

If she doesn't answer this time, I'll
figure she's out of town and that's it.

Hello, Carol.

What?

Steve Douglas.

I'm fine.

How are you?

Okay, you guys, come on, shake a leg.

I got a dinner to put on and the table is set.

And look, you guys get dressed up a bit.

And don't reach across her and the
potatoes to get at the butter.

Oh, Chip was just telling me about women.

Oh, that must have been interesting.

He says that Dad trapped that lady.

She doesn't really want to come over.

All right, expert, answer me this one.

How come Katie's two relatives from
Indiana won't go out with you?

Huh?

That's right.

They made Katie give them a description of
you two and turned you down flat.

Turned us down?

How come?

Oh, maybe they had something in mind.

Like Cary Grant and Rock Hutchins.

Who knows?

Man.

Well, don't let it bother your ego or anything, Chip.

My ego thinks it's swell.

Come on in.

Shall I call my dad?

No, just tell him I'm early.

Thanks.

Hey, Ernie, you see my good slacks?

Oh, hi.

Chip.

I'm hard to explain.

You had to find out sooner or later.

Oh, uh, this is Rob Junior and Charles and
Stephen, dad's grandchildren.

Uh, they're, uh, uh, they're real young grandchildren.

Hey, what's Chip running around without his pen?

Well, Carol, I didn't know you were here.

Why didn't somebody call me?

I, uh... I was just going to, Dad.

Oh.

Well, uh, Carol, have you met, uh, Rob
and, uh... Dad, we've all introduced ourselves.

Oh, fine.

If you'll excuse us, we're going to take
the babies upstairs.

Well, uh, Carol, why don't you sit down, hmm?

If she don't get here soon, my dinner's gonna be wrecked.

If, if you're her, I'm, I'm sorry I hollered.

Uh, Carol, this is the boys, Uncle Charley, O'Casey.

And now I guess you've met the whole family.

Uncle Charley, I think this is gonna be
one of the nicest dinners I've ever had.

And, uh, that was the only reason?

Yes, I'm a grandmother.

You are?

A little granddaughter, Laurie, six months old.

Oh, yeah.

I got married young, and I lost him.

But from, uh, what...

grandmother time.

There's one...

Come in.

Hi.

Hi.

Calling it a day, huh?

Yeah.

Back from your walk?

Yeah.

I'll bet it was a real nice evening.

It was very nice, Ernie.

Fellas, uh, don't do it again.

But, uh...

Thanks.

Huh?

That's okay, Dad.

Good night.

Thanks.

What was he talking about?

He figured out that we tried to make him look young.

He told us not to do stuff like that anymore.

But thanks anyway.

I must be dumber than I thought.

I figured he was sh**ting his dad.

Uh-uh.

Good night, Ernie.

Good night, Chip.

Good night.

Good night.