09x23 - Ernie's Pen Pal

[bunniefuu]

THE END.

I've said dear Maria about 97 times.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Ernie.

Well, I'm surprised to see you're still up.

Well, you work late at the office and I
work late at the homework.

I think it's slowly going to tear me apart.

Putting it a bit dramatically, isn't it?

Oh, look, Dad.

I've got a real gripe with Triple I Murchison.

Triple I Murchison?

Oh, that's what we call our teacher, because she can
catch you messing around even with your back to her.

Oh.

Well, you know, like she has an eye in the
back of her head.

Yeah, I remember I had one in the fourth
grade, I think it was.

Yeah, well, anyway, Triple I made me the
only kid in the class that has to write to

a pen pal, plus doing the rest of the homework.

Well, Ernie, could you bring your gripe upstairs?

I have a little homework to do myself.

Oh, sure, Dad.

Anyway, I have to write to this girl in Spanish, and
she writes to me in English, and it gets pretty messy.

The English junk is terrible.

My Spanish junk is even worse.

I wouldn't be writing to her at all if it
wasn't for the grade.

Ernie, as I understand it, you're writing
to this little girl in Central America.

Somebody your teacher found for you.

Somebody who could inform you about her
country, as well as help you learn another language.

And you're just doing it for the grade, huh?

What?

When you put it that way, I come out looking horrible.

The point is, you should treat a pen pal like a child.

A pen pal is a person, not as a big chore.

Yeah, yeah, I get what you mean, Dad.

What's her name?

Her name is Maria.

And there's a whole bunch of other names
in between, and it ends with the court of them.

Well, when you write her, why don't you just tell
her what you're doing and what you hope to do.

Write her as if you were writing to an old friend.

Hey, hey, what if I asked her to come here
and have dinner with us?

She'll never get to the United States.

It's one of those things that'll make it
like she's a friend.

That sounds like a good idea.

Yeah.

Hey, what if I say, my father thinks your family's
neat, and we ought to get together sometime?

Fine, fine.

All I'm saying, Ernie, is try to stop
thinking of Maria as an assignment.

Oh, I guess you want to start on your homework, huh, Dad?

Yes, frankly.

Well, you've really helped out a lot, Dad.

I'll get busy on my letter.

Thank you.

Now, let's see.

Now, let's see.

Mi estimata?

Maria.

Mi estimata?

Maria.

Mi estimata?

Maria.

Oh.

Yeah?

I have a cablegram for Mr. Douglas.

Steve Douglas?

He's out of town, but we'll take it.

No, this is for Mr. Ernest Douglas.

A cablegram for Ernie?

Well, hand it over.

I'll give it to him.

Well, he has to sign for it himself.

It's a sign?

Hey, Ernie!

I wonder why Ernie's getting a cablegram.

I don't have the slightest idea.

You call me, Uncle Charlie?

Yeah, you got a sign for a cablegram.

Sign right here.

Why?

I never got one in my whole life.

Thanks.

Well, open it up and let's hear what it says.

Oh, no, what?

My family accepts your invitation.

You're off on the first of the month.

Respectfully, yours, Maria.

The first?

That's tomorrow.

Maria, is that your pen pal?

Yeah.

What did you invite her to?

A dinner party.

Sort of.

Don't you ever ask anybody before inviting
somebody to dinner?

Only if I expect them to accept.

This is awful.

Yeah, it sure is.

And with your dad out of town, that makes me the hostess.

Wouldn't you think of something else
besides inviting them to dinner?

That's all further we've learned in my Spanish book.

Now we're clear up to words about Pete and the house.

I guess inviting people to dinner is
better than inviting them to paint the house.

Hey, Chip.

Will you go?

Easy with that baby.

He's not a can of beans.

You know, I wouldn't worry, Ernie.

You know, those Latin people are real polite.

Probably this here Maria just wanted to
say thank you for inviting her.

For the cable, Graham?

Well, that is kind of weird, ain't it?

We'll help you all we can, Ernie, but it's your problem.

Okay, you little guys, I'm taking you for
that walk, I promise.

Now that you stop crying.

Uncle Charlie, now, they've been crying a
lot, and that makes them swell a little.

So if it's windy outside, bring them right back in, okay?

Oh, you think I was born yesterday?

Okay, fresh air, here I come.

Oh, and take it easy around the corners.

I'll stick out my arm.

You guys don't think Mary's going to show up, do you?

Well, I wouldn't count it out, Ernie.

Hey, Chip, you want to help me make some
formula and surprise Katie?

Why not?

Gee.

She wouldn't do this to me.

If she wouldn't do this to me, how come I'm sweating?

Hey.

Okay, Buster, over here, right now.

What are you doing casing the joint?

I represent Ambassador de Córdoba.

I am Carlos Orellana.

Ambassador?

You mean Maria's father?

He's an ambassador?

Yes, Maria is the daughter of His Excellency.

The ambassador is coming to California
from Washington, D.C.

to visit the consulate.

His family will fly directly here to meet him.

We understand that you have been so kind as to
offer an invitation to the ambassador and his family.

Yeah, but what are you doing poking around in my bushes?

We in our country take necessary
precautions for our ambassador,

as you would wish to protect a traveling
statesman from your country.

I am sure that everything is in good order, señor.

You can expect the ambassador and his
family tomorrow, 7 P.M.

Hasta la vista.

Okay, you guys, come on, let's go.

Hey, it's 6.30, and if you don't hurry up, the
ambassador is going to catch you in your underwear.

Mr. Charley, are you sure you and Katie
made the right things to eat for an ambassador?

Will you stop worrying and get dressed?

The food's going to be fine.

I've even been practicing up on some of my
Spanish to hit him.

How come you speak any Spanish?

Oh, when you're in the merchant marine,
you better talk the language in every port you hit.

I've been to Spain at least five times.

Okay, but we're not going to use that
tablecloth with spaghetti stains and holes.

Oh, come on, I take care of everything.

Go on, get going, go on.

You too, Chip, come on.

Boys.

So I borrowed the silverware for Mrs.
Deering, and the soufflés in the oven.

Oh, boy,

what a time for Dad to go to Sacramento.

Well, I found a shirt.

Now my new self-tie disappeared.

I got one of my favorites.

Oh, fancy shoes.

Oh, I think tr*mp ate the oven.

Then go get another pair.

What's eating those kids?

Everything's gone but my tennis shoes.

Oh, what if Maria's family hates tennis shoes?

That's your problem.

I don't know if I got enough grub.

I don't know how many are coming.

Well, that's your problem.

Mine is I'm going to have to hop to dinner on one shoe.

Quit saying it's my problem.

You started this whole deal.

Well, my problem is I can't find my new silk tie.

Hey, why don't we all calm down a little bit?

I've been looking for you.

I've been listening to the nerves jangling all day long.

You know, I don't think it's these minor
problems that we're all mentioning.

I think it's the fact that we're all not quite
sure how to handle this whole situation.

You mean you don't know what to say to them either?

Well, we're just all going to be ourselves.

We may be dressed up a little more than
usual, but we'll just be ourselves.

Rob, Steve is red, and it's not because of the light.

And Charlie has a fever, and so is Rob Junior.

Hey, Charlie's got a fever.

Call a doctor.

Call a doctor right now.

Go on.

And if he's not there, try the hospital.

All of a sudden, it doesn't seem important
about my tennis shoes.

Is that the doorbell?

You better get it, Ernie.

I can't answer the door like this.

Yeah, I suppose it's them.

I'd look like a creep.

Well, she's your pen pal.

Good evening.

This is Maria de Ruiz y Platano,
Caterina Aguston de Córdova.

Good evening.

And may I also present her Tia, her aunt, La
Doña Enriqueta de Ruiz y Platano, del Río y Sánchez.

Good evening.

Oh, hiya.

I'm Ernie.

Hey, you guys, they're here.

Oh, honey, I wish I could come down and
help you, but... Well, I'm afraid the babies are sick.

We don't know what's wrong yet, and Rob and I have to stay
up here and take care of them until Dr. Osborne gets here.

You're gonna leave me alone?

You want to see that lady that came with Maria?

And they got a guy that walks around and
just tells you who they are.

I'm just not built to handle all that by myself.

I'll go with you.

Hey, Chip.

Me, Chip, and Ernie will feed the company.

You two don't leave little Charley's side,
not for a minute.

Okay.

I'm sorry, Ernie.

You understand her, and the babies come first.

Well, we better hurry.

They're dressed all fancy, and when they sat
down on the couch, they made them look real shabby.

And they saw me walking around with this shoe in my hand.

Well, go put on another pair.

Go on.

Go on and straighten out this tie.

Come on, buddy.

You've been fooling around with it long enough.

I'm Charley O'Casey, Ernie's uncle.

Bonnie Notches.

Mucho gusto, senor.

Good evening, sir.

Hi, I'm Ernie's brother, Chip.

How do you do?

A pleasure.

Uh, me siento about the, uh, tennis shoes.

And Robbie and Katie aren't here because
El Medico is coming over.

Y mi padre está en Sacramento.

Or, uh, or something.

The, uh, where's the rest of your family?

My brother, the ambassador, extends his
regrets, but business has kept him at the consulate.

Oh.

Soup's on.

¿Cómo dice?

I think in Spanish what he said was,
uh, la supa está arriba.

I think arriba means upper.

Soup couldn't be up.

Señorita.

The salad is deliciosa, Ernie.

Uh, much as gracias.

Oh, uh, señorita.

Señor O'Casey.

You have a very beautiful... You
have a very beautiful name, Enriquita.

It sounds like Henrietta, only with a Q
thrown in some place.

You mean that my name is a Spanish equivalent of Henrietta.

You're correct.

And do you know something, Enriquita?

When you first came in here, I thought you
were the ambassador.

Me?

The ambassador?

Yeah, well, anyway, a beautiful package like you.

I mean, if you were the ambassador, I'm sure
you'd have a lot of senors hanging around you.

I'm sure you'd have a lot of senors hanging around you.

I'm sure you'd have a lot of senors hanging around you.

I think.

They're going to be all right.

Yeah.

Well, I'll call Dr. Osborne and save him a trip.

Well, good if he hasn't already left.

Steve's not as red.

The fever seems to have gone down.

Well, if I can catch the doctor, we can go
downstairs and help Ernie entertain his friends.

It's probably a mess down there.

And that was in Macau, not Hong Kong.

So the guy spoke Portuguese and that fouled us all up.

Oh, come on.

Have another shot of java.

UN poquitito.

Oh, poquitito.

Nothing.

Have a whole cup of coffee.

Poquitito means a little bit.

Oh, you speak our language.

Like a native.

Mi vaca car in a.

You should be more careful with whom
you speak in ports like Santander, senor.

Yeah, Uncle Charley.

I didn't get all of what you said.

But the last part meant, dear cow.

Yeah, I remember that.

Even though I switched over from Spanish to French.

Oh, yeah.

If I had known you were such a good kid, I
would have never put up a fuss about writing to you.

A fuss?

You mean you objected to writing to me?

Oh, well, yeah.

But I had to, or I might have flunked Spanish.

You wrote to me because you wish good marks?

Oh, I think not.

I mean, your name came out of a hat, sort of.

You really did him good by writing to him, Maria.

He'll probably pass now.

I do not understand.

I think you write to me because we are pen
pals, which in my country signifies friendship.

Heck, we are.

Oh, Guy, don't go and start sobbing or anything, Maria.

Heck, she ain't gonna cry.

I am, Maria.

We're all friends now, right?

This is true.

It's true, Maria.

Oh, now, come on, now.

Give me one of your smiles, now.

Come on.

A big one.

Big, big, big.

Oh, come on.

A big, big, big, big, big smile.

Yeah, that's more like it.

Que caballo bonito.

Just how familiar are you with our language, Senor O'Casey?

Oh, I'm practically fluent.

I've been to Spain five times and I've been
to Mexico at least a dozen times and I've.

...

If that's the case, we bid you goodbye.

Vamanos, Maria.

Please, wait a minute.

This has been a very strange evening.

Buenas noches.

Well, the babies are better so we thought
we'd help you entertain your guests.

Yeah, well, your timing is a little bit off.

How, Uncle Charley?

They're gone.

They're gone?

Oh, man.

Man, wait till Dad gets home and we have to tell him me
and Uncle Charley started a whole international incident.

An international incident?

Yeah.

I'm glad you got here before I crowed, Dad.

What am I gonna do?

Well, I don't know, Ernie.

It seems you've insulted some guests, the
foreign guests, which makes it even worse.

The trouble is, I was forced to write to Maria.

I didn't think of her as a real live girl till I saw her.

And Uncle Charley kept trying to help by speaking Spanish.

He looked at her hair and said, Que caballo bonito.

That means, what a pretty horse.

Dad, at the corner of Maria's mouth started to wiggle.

You could almost hear the lumps in her throat.

What he meant to say was, Que caballo bonito.

What beautiful hair.

And so you're the one that's going to
have to write Maria a note of apology, Ernie.

But you're part of my family and so I have
to share part of the responsibility.

I don't think I ever want to be a dad.

You get blamed for all the goofy things your kids do.

I guess you do, but on balance, it's a pretty good deal.

How do you do?

Oh, Buenas t*rd, senor.

Uh, Buenas t*rd.

Do you speak English?

But English, si, senor.

Oh, good.

Because I only had one semester of high
school Spanish and that was quite a while ago.

Nice.

Uh, I'd like to speak to someone in charge.

I'm here because my son Ernie and the
ambassador's daughter Maria are pen pals.

Pen pals?

Thank you very much.

Well, you're welcome.

You see, the ambassador's sister and his
daughter Maria were at our house for dinner.

Don't mention it.

Well, I just thought I'd... My name is Douglas.

Steve Douglas.

I wonder if there's someone you could call
that I could talk to.

Splendid.

Do you speak English?

Yes.

Understanding.

Not as well.

Oh, I see.

Uh, well, with your English and my Spanish,
I'm afraid we have a little language barrier here.

Uh, oh, how do you do?

May I help you, senor?

Uh, yes.

Uh, I'm here to see Maria, the ambassador's daughter.

Senorita de Cordoba and her party left
just this moment for the airport, senor.

Oh, they did?

They go back to our country.

I see.

Well, I guess I'm too late.

Thanks very much.

And, uh, thank you.

Nice.

That was quick work, Dad.

Well, hi, Rob.

They got here before you did.

Who did?

Whose limousine is that out there?

You didn't arrange it?

Arrange what?

Dad, let's go into the kitchen.

We'll see you in a minute.

They're so precious.

Well, hi, Dad.

Dad, this is Maria and this is Ray.

They were on their way to the airport,
and they had a few minutes.

And they knew I didn't mean to be such a creep.

They're not hacked into Uncle Charlie anymore.

So they dropped by to tell me.

Why don't you quit talking and give your
dad a chance to say hello?

Steve, I'm not taking any more chances with Spanish.

The lady here with the two babies, her name is Henry Kita.

In your country, the first name is used quickly.

You can call me Henry Kita.

And I'm Steve.

Oh, well, say then, they're coming back in a few months,
and we're supposed to go to a consular party with them.

If that meets with your approval, Senor Steve.

Yes, that sounds fine.

Charley, what are you all doing out here in the kitchen?

Because I told them half of America lives in the kitchen.

Oh, look, it's getting late there.

You might run into traffic on the way to the airport.

Now, look, in here I got some nice salami
sandwiches and Bologna sandwiches.

And over here is some of Charley's special pecan cake.

Will you take this, Steve?

Yeah, but, Charley, they serve food on the plane, you know.

Yeah, but this is just in case they get
forced down in the jungle or something.

Gracias, Charley.

Muchas gracias.

Well, have a nice trip back.

Oh, they haven't got pecan cake like that
on the plane, have they, guys?

Hasta la vista, Ernie.

Adios.

I think my aunt like your father, and I like you.

So maybe we have a good time at consulate party, verdad?

Verdad.

Well, goodbye.

I think I'm going up too fast.

I think I'm going up too fast.

I think I'm going up too fast.