04x02 - Stand-Up Bill/Green Trial

[bunniefuu]

[whistling theme music]

♪ One, two, one, two, three, four ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

[whistling]

You might be a farmer if "business attire"

means wearin' overalls
with the good stains!

[laughing uproariously] "The good stains"!

Ah, Fred the Farmer's
the best comedian there is!

- [Gramma] Mm-hmm.
- He isn't without his charm.

- I don't get him.
- Well, I get him!

It's as if he peers into my very soul!

Every time Fred makes a joke
about scoopin' manure,

or gettin' kicked in the face
by a mule, I think,

"Hey, I've scooped manure,

I've been kicked in the face by a mule!"

Ah, he's a real farmer,
through and through.

Well, that certainly explains

why you made us stand in line
for two hours

just to meet him.

- [marker pens squeaking]
- [hocks spit]

Whee! We should have come even earlier.

What should I get him to sign?

Maybe I'll ask him
what type of soil he uses?

Huh? Hey, where's Fred?

Oh, you just missed him.

He's prepping for his set.
But, hey, cheer up!

How would you like
an official Fred the Farmer pitchfork?

It's only $49.99.

- Uh, sir?
- Fred, wait!

I didn't get to meet you! [grunts]

Fred's busy!

Aahh! [groans]

Well, we're not gettin' in that way.

Whaddya say we sneak around back
so you can still meet Fred?

Mom, you're a genius!

- Kids, go grab us some seats.
- On it!

I'm gonna meet Fred or die tryin'.

No one's dyin', Bill.

Good evening, Guffaw Factory-y-y!

You guys ready to guffaw?

'Cause our opening act
is an amazing roast comedian!

Everybody, give it up for Jessica Burns!

Thank you, thank you! Whoa!

How much hairspray do you use, emcee?

This is a comedy club,
not a construction site!

[boisterous laughing]

Wait, so a roast comedian
gets to make fun of people,

and everyone laughs?

I didn't know you could do that!

Personally, I prefer more classic comedy.

[piano playing]

- [giggling]
- Not me.

She's droppin' truth bombs,
and I'm here for the booms!

Sneakin' in through the back
was a great idea, Ma.

Fred the Farmer, here I come!

- Oh...
- Hey. Comedians only.

He is a comedian. Can't you tell?

Uh, yeah. And this is my Ma.

- Your "Ma"?
- Uh, my Ma-nager.

Her job is to Ma-nage me.

If you're really a comedian,
tell me a joke!

Uh, well, you might be a farmer, if...

your job involves raising agriculture,

or living organisms,
for the creation of food or raw materials!

- Hmm. Oh-h*! I get it!
- [both] You do?

Yeah! It's one of those "ironic bits".

It's funny, because it's so... "unfunny".

- Go right on in.
- Oh, thanks.

- Whoa!
- [chattering, noise makers]

This is my nightmare.

Ma, focus! We gotta figure out
how to find--

Fred. Good luck tonight, man!

Thank ya kindly! See ya out there.

[gasps] This is about to be
the best day of my life!

I'm kiddin', I'm kiddin'.

But for real, is that a dress?
Or a paper bag?

[raucous laughing]

Her dress is ugly!

Aw, man, I gotta get in on the action!

Wait, Cricket!

Hey! Hey, Jessica. Roast me! Roast me!

Oh, really let me have it.

I mean, where do I begin?

Maybe how hilariously big my muscles are?

[Jessica]
How 'bout that ridiculous bowl cut?

Heh?

Lookin' like a giant lemon
wearin' a mustache for a hat,

but that's your best feature.

[audience laughing]

Gramma said it is my best feature.

And look at those bare feet
with all of those crusted toenails,

all on display.

Someone call the Hazmat team!

[pained chuckling]
Yeah, this is so... funny...

I can't believe I'm looking
at Fred's dressing room door!

Ohh, I'm so nervous.

- [creaking]
- Huh?

[British accent] Yes, I'm calling
to correct an egregious error.

My paycheck must be addressed
to my actual name: Reginald.

"Fred the Farmer"
is merely a stage persona.

And don't you tell that to anyone else.

He's... not a farmer?

And this kid's head is so big,
it look like it's eaten his neck!

- [guffawing]
- Boy got no neck!

Okay, we've had lots of fun,

but perhaps we should all rethink roasting

as a form of comedy.

It's starting to feel a little one-note,
if you ask me.

Then how 'bout you take a shot
at roasting me, li'l man?

- [gasps] Okay.
- [mic feedback]

Get ready for a roasting of a lifetime!

This won't be good.

You are... stupid!

[crickets chirping]

Um... I said she's-- You're stupid!

Ha-ha. Well, you're also, uh...
You smell bad!

[tiny cough]

[nervous chuckling]

Oh, look at you! Sweaty mess.
We're gonna need a mop-up here.

- [audience laughing]
- No. Nobody get a mop!

Nobody get a mop! [crying]

Well, what can I say?
Some people make my job easy.

[audience laughing]

I can't believe it.
I thought Fred was just like me!

But he's nothing like me.

Yeah. Even his accent was fake!

He doesn't know the first thing
about what it's like to be a farmer.

Waking up before dawn to work the fields,

and toiling until your fingers are raw!

I'll donkey-kick him in the larynx!

He'll never tell a joke again.

I've got an even better idea.

I'm going to get him to admit
he's not a real farmer on stage!

So his audience can see him
for the fraud he is!

Time to introduce Fred... Oh.
Where's my mic?

Hey, y'all. I'm gonna be
your new emcee for the evening.

Now, how about we give
a big Guffaw Factory welcome

- to Fred the Farmer.
- [audience cheering]

[American accent] Thanks! I'll take that.

Well, Fred, first,
I had a few quick questions.

Since you're a real farmer and all...

Uh. Okay.

What would you say
the best crop irrigation system

is for rutabagas?

[uncomfortable laugh] W-well,

there's a few good options,

but when I see a rutabaga,
I drool like crazy.

That irrigates 'em real good!

[audience laughing]

All right, wise guy.

If you were gonna upgrade a Harvester 300,

which model would you choose?

You must be specific.

Um... the DOSS-12, of course.

I like the torque in it.

- DOSS-12? What-- Hey!
- Hey, wha-- Wait!

He just read the label off
this water bottle!

[audience gasps]

The reason he doesn't know that
is 'cause your beloved Fred the Farmer

isn't a real farmer!

Fred ain't even his real name!
It's Reginald.

[British accent]
Egad! How did you-- [gasps]

- Hey, he's talkin' fancy!
- This is a tight five minutes of lies!

- [loud booing]
- Oh, dear...

[grunting]

[British accent]
Ah, no! Why are you doing this?

Because I thought you were like me!

A real, honest-to-goodness,
hardworking farmer!

All right. All right, I confess.

I'm not a real farmer, but I wanted to be.

My father was a real farmer,
and that was my dream, too. But...

Father! Look hither!

- Uh-oh.
- Aw, son, you done went and did it again.

Oh, jolly bad.

Oh, I don't know how I ended up

with a little British boy for a son.

I know this is corny,

but I don't think
I'm berry good at farming!

[chuckles] You may not have a green thumb,

but you certainly have a colorful wit.

[moans happily]

[Reginald] Creating the character
of Fred the Farmer

was my way of honoring my father,

and so, I spent my life
waking up before dawn,

studying comedy, writing jokes,

toiling until my fingers were raw...

all to make him proud.

All that hard work and sacrifice?

I was so wrong about you, Fred.
You really are like me.

But instead of growing crops,
you grow chuckles!

- You're the real deal.
- [audience] Fred's a fraud!

Hoo, boy! I got them good and riled.

- Fred's a dead man!
- Oh, no!

What have I done?

- [door rattling]
- Cricket? Oh! Uh...

There you are, brother. You okay?

[sniffs] Huh? Me? I'm fine.

Jessica just said a lot of words
that totally didn't bother me at all.

People were only laughing
because of her dumb face.

[Tilly laughs]

Yeah! She thinks she's so funny.

But really, she's, like, "Waaah-waaah."

[Tilly laughing hysterically]

Stop! You're too funny!

Thanks for cheering me up, Tilly.

That's what big sisters are for.

Yeah. Just wish I had
the last laugh, though.

That can be arranged.

Fred the Farmer will reap
the treachery he's sown,

with his own merchandise!

[audience screaming]

It's a madhouse out there!

Ain't it beautiful?
Ya got 'em mad, he ain't a real farmer!

Well, if they want a real farmer,

then they're gonna get a real farmer.

Huh? What are you thinkin', boy?

You can't do stand-up comedy. You'll b*mb!

I know.

[angry mob screaming]

Everybody! Lend me your ears!

- I'm Bill. A real farmer.
- Get him!

- Huh?
- What do you get

when you cross-pollinate
a cucumber and a squash?

- [man] What?
- Nothin'.

You can only do that
with different varieties of plants.

Not species. Hey-o!

[crowd booing, yelling]

We came here to laugh, not to learn!

- Get him!
- [screaming]

Wait, wait, wait!

You wanted a real farmer,
and that's what I gave you.

So, how about a real comedian, instead?

[British accent] Uh, it's a good thing
I'm not a real farmer...

[American accent]
...or my jokes would sound like his.

[all giggling]

Oh, but seriously,
I ain't seen this many angry faces

since my cattle found out

what the secret ingredient
to my burgers is.

- Them!
- [laughing]

Oh, Fred! [laughing]

I still don't get him.

Well, I think I get him even more.

Hmm. Say, you seen the kids anywhere?

Wild show tonight, y'all.

Whoa! [grunts]

[Tilly and Cricket laughing]

[sighs] Nothing beats a classic.

Great work today, family.

Despite being down one Green,

we sped right through those chores.

I sure hope Cricket is feeling better.

I still can't believe
he said Melissa the goat

tried to eat his arm off.

Yeah. Pretty convenient
Cricket got hurt on chore day.

Well, since we worked so hard,
maybe we could...

treat ourselves early
to that strawberry cake you made?

[Tilly gasps] Oh, yes, Mama, please?

Sure! But keep in mind,
I'm not much of a baker.

Definitely not Alice-level.

- Yessir.
- This cake was always my dad's favorite.

And despite our rocky relationship,
it always brought us together.

[blows raspberry]

That's how good it is.

- Now, who wants some cake?
- Me! Me! Me!

- Let's dig in.
- [all gasp]

- My cake!
- Oh, no. How could this have happened?

All of us were outside, doin' chores.

- Not all of us.
- [both] Cricket!

- Cricket?
- Ha-ha! That's me name. Don't wear it out.

What do you have to say about this?

The heck? You guys ate
all the cake without me?

- Nice try. We know you ate it.
- What? No, I didn't.

Cricket, your mom worked
really hard on that cake.

And some of us thought
we deserved a little treat.

You were the only one home.

Therefore, the only one
who could have done it.

But it wasn't me!
I was upstairs, resting my hurt arm.

I've heard enough. Room! Now!

- Come on, up we go.
- But I'm innocent!

Tilly, you believe me, right?
You know I wouldn't do this!

Well, you were the only one home,
and... you do love cake.

Please! I'm beggin' ya!
I invoke sibling code!

[Tilly gasps]

- Sibling code?
- Papa? A minute.

Brother, sibling code
is a sacred oath of loyalty.

Only to be invoked
in the most extreme situations.

If you're lyin',
I'll never be able to trust you again.

I know.
But I swear on sibling-hood I ain't.

Okay, family. I know my brother,

and if he invokes sibling code,
then he is telling the truth.

Therefore, I propose... a trial!

Oh!

Oh, I could get into that.

[Nancy groans] Fine!

But the evidence is pretty incriminating.

Cricket is my baby brother.
I will defend him in life and death.

It may take weeks, months.

You have an hour while I make a new cake.

We can work with that.

Court is now in session. Let us begin.

Lady and gentleman of the jury,

Miss Mama Prosecutor.

We've gathered here to investigate a crime
about a cake.

Now. What makes a cake?

Sugar? Flour? Sure.

But you know what ingredient
is not in Mama's recipe?

Injustice!

And that is what we have here today.

Ooh, she got you good.

Let us review the timeline.

- Wow.
- This morning,

Mama finished
making the cake after breakfast.

The four of us left to do chores
at 9:00 a.m.

Leaving Cricket and his injured arm
home alone.

At 11:20 a.m.,
we arrived back at the house,

at which point, the cake was gone.

Did anyone see the cake
between those times?

Yeah. At 11:00. We were all in the garden,

and I checked on it through the window.

It was untouched.

[whispering]
That means I'm innocent, right?

No. It means Mama must prove
you ate the cake

sometime between 11:00 and 11:20.

Easy. For starters,
there's a huge mess in the kitchen.

And I know exactly how it got there.

Cricket would never leave out
delicious food for long.

I bet he waited
until he thought it was safe to strike.

[sneaky laugh]

[Nancy] We all know,
when Cricket eats sugar,

he goes hog wild,

hence, destroying the kitchen!

Cricket does get crazy after dessert.
Sometimes.

- He'll just attack me!
- Let's throw the book at him!

Seems like the jury is in agreement.

- [anxious moan]
- You make an interesting point, Mama.

- But also, nuh-uh.
- Huh?

You said you saw the cake
from outside the house.

Therefore, the mess inside the house

could have been caused
before 11:00 by anyone.

Like Gramma!

[gasps] I'm awake-- Life sentence-- What?

I mean, she carries a sword around,
for cryin' out loud.

Causing ruin at every turn.

Objection!

- Yeah, that tracks.
- Yes. Yes, it does.

Guess we were wrong.
Maybe Cricket is innocent?

Now hold up.
We haven't reviewed all the evidence.

Follow me.

Exhibit B. This big sweat spot.

And what could have caused
that big a spot?

Well, eating a dessert
meant for five people

would pose a great physical challenge,

leading to involuntary perspiration,

better known as... "cake sweats"!

- Gross!
- There is a big sweat stain here.

Made by someone in this room.
But who, may I ask?

Papa, do you not also profusely perspire?

No! I only sweat after farming.

And cleanin' the house.

And when I'm being accused
of sweatin' a lot.

- Oh, man!
- I'd say that speaks for itself.

Without any physical evidence
to link my client to the crime,

you cannot punish him.

[groans] I guess
I can't prove Cricket ate the cake.

That's right, baby. I'm innocent! Up top!

Cricket? Isn't that your arm
that kept you from doing chores today?

Ahh... Oh, no! I hurt so bad. I'm dying!

Oh, I see the white light!
And it looks so... inviting!

Ohhh... Waah.

Nothin', really? Okay.
Yes, my arm isn't hurt.

But that doesn't mean I ate the cake!

You still believe me, right, Tilly?

If he was lying about his injury,

how can we trust
he's not lying about eating the cake?

- Cricket?
- Come on, I know this looks bad,

but remember, "sibling code"?

Sibling code.

Okay, okay. Cricket may have lied
about his arm to get out of chores.

But there is still no physical evidence

to link him to the crime of cake eating.

In fact, if Cricket ate the cake,

wouldn't there be some trace of it
on his person?

After all, he is a messy eater.

Brother, can you take
a little twirl for us?

One twirl comin' up!

[gasps]

Is that...?

Strawberry icing.

Woah, woah, woah!
We don't know that it's strawberry icing!

It could be... marker.
Or... uh, milkshake!

From last 4th of July!

Why don't you taste it for yourself,
if you're so sure.

Fine. I'll prove once and for all
that it's...

Strawberry icing.

I'm sorry, Tilly, but we've got
all the evidence we need, right here.

So, what do you say we call it?

Ah... I call a recess!

[groans] I can't believe you, Cricket!

You abused sibling code!

I didn't! I don't know
how the icing got on my arm.

I was tellin' the truth before,
and I'm tellin' it now.

Brother, you lied to me!
And you've broken my trust.

Forever.

Oh, this is the worst day of my life!

I was pinned for something I didn't do.

Lost your trust!
And I even missed my call with Gabriella.

Wait. You had a video call
planned with Gabriella?

- Why didn't you mention it before?
- Well, 'cause it never happened.

I was just about to call her
when y'all got back from doin' chores.

Oh, lemme see that.

[softly] Bingo, bango.

- We'll fix it later.
- Everyone, stop what you're doing!

We were just waiting for ya, sweetie.

And your dirty, thieving little brother.

Now, I know we've heard
many theories today

about what happened
to Mama's strawberry cake.

And I'm here to tell you...

that Cricket is very much responsible
for all the evidence

- Mama presented.
- So you admit it!

- Are you kidding me?
- You make me sick.

Tilly? What are you doing?

But... he's not responsible
for eatin' the cake.

Allow me to explain.
During the recess,

I learned that Cricket
had a video call planned

with his big-city girlfriend, Gabriella.

Seen here, in this drawing I found
hidden in Cricket's room.

- Aint' that cute?
- The boy's an artist!

- Nyah! What's your point, Tilly?
- I will get there.

Cricket did lie about his arm injury.

Not as a way to be alone with the cake,

but instead, to prepare
for his video call with his GF.

- And how's that?
- I'm glad you asked.

First, I know that he becomes
incredibly nervous

whenever he speaks with Gabriella.

When nervous, Cricket is prone
to singing and dancing

with unbridled aggression,
in order to soothe himself.

♪ I am the man, I am the monster man ♪

Ayahh!

♪ I've just got to be free! ♪

♪ Barracuda-- ♪ Wow!

[mimicking guitar music]

Second! Cricket could have
worked up quite a sweat.

And for a creative boy,
anything could be a towel.

Including a cushion.

[Gramma] I hand-sewed those in 1950!

And third! Cricket likes to climb up high

to make himself
feel real tall and powerful.

I feel so tall and powerful!

Huh? Whoa-oh-wow!

Whoa-a-a-a-a!

Oh! That's exactly what happened.

That's all speculation.

You have no proof
that Cricket didn't eat that cake

in the 20 minutes after.

Au contraire!

May I present to the court, Exhibit C.

Ahem! Hey, Gabby-- No, that's not it.

Wassup, Gabs? No. It's stupid! Stupid!

Oh! Oh, no.

You always rehearse
before makin' a phone call?

- Gimme that tablet!
- It's for your honor!

Cricket's rehearsal video
is an embarrassing 32 minutes long.

Like, is cereal a soup?

- Oh...
- [Bill and Nancy] Cricket!

Coming!

This time-stamped video clearly proves...

that between 11:00 and 11:20,

my client's mouth
was full of love, not cake.

And with that, I rest my case.

- I don't believe it.
- [alarm ringing]

[Nancy] Cricket Green?
I find you... not guilty!

[cheering]

Do the innocence wave with me, Ma!

Tilly, thank you
for trusting sibling code.

And for knowing me better
than anyone else.

I love you, baby brother.

Cricket, I am so sorry.

I almost grounded you
for something you didn't do.

It's okay. I usually done it.

But if Cricket didn't eat the cake,
who did?

There's gotta be something we're missing.

And now for a poem,
"From the Fires of My Heart".

[clears throat] "G is for..."

What the... I know who did it!

- I know who took the cake!
- [clattering]

- [all gasping]
- [slurping]

Hello, Dad.

- [kids] Grandpa?
- [Bill and Gramma] Nick?

Hey! That's me. Dad Grandpa Nick.

♪ I got sweat in my eyes ♪

♪ Lost a bet and got ♪

♪ Bit by a hundred flies ♪

♪ I fell out a big old tree ♪

♪ Hit every branch
And scraped up both my knees ♪

♪ I got chased by a dog ♪

♪ Licked by a frog, got a rash on my leg ♪

♪ Dropped a dozen eggs ♪

♪ I got splinters in seven of ten ♪

♪ And tomorrow, I'll do it all again ♪