04x03 - Bad Dad/Junk Junkie

[bunniefuu]

[theme song plays]

♪ One, two
One, two, three, four ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

[chicken clucks]

Mmm, mmm. Good cake.

My compliments to the chef.

So, Dad, you're back.

That's right. I'm-a back.

- Hooray!
- Hooray!

We have so many questions,
for you, Grampa Nick.

Such as, how did you
acquire that gold tooth?

- Are you a pirate?
- Kids, please.

What's going on, Dad?

Eh, same as usual.

The old grind.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Dad, seriously.

I haven't seen you in years,

and suddenly you're in my house
and raiding my kitchen?

I just wanted to see my
grandkids, Ticket and k*ller.

Interesting. I suppose drinking
straight from the carton

is more efficient than using a cup.

Yeah!

Take this, cups!

- [grunts]
- [Nancy] Cricket, stop.

Nyah.

Oh, hey, you kids wanna see
what's under my patch?

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Oh, my gosh.
- I can't look away.

I wish I was missing an eye.

Me too.

Ugh!

You okay, Nance?

I know you don't know him that well,

but my dad has always been trouble,

and I don't want him around the kids.

[both] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

If you like, Ma and I can stick around

- and help you deal with him.
- Yes.

Deal with him.

Thanks, but I know y'all need
to be getting back to Big City.

Besides, he's my dad, and I'll handle him.

Well, I'll leave this here, just in case.

I think she'll be okay, Ma.

Listen, Dad, if you wanted to visit,

you should have called ahead
and we could have discussed it.

But right now, ugh, you need to go home.

Yeah, about that...

Here she is... er, was.

Some schmuck burnt it down. I don't know.

It might have my loan shark,
who I owe money to.

Or maybe my ex, who I left at the altar.

Or her sister, who I left with.

Hey, maybe I even left the stove on.

[laughs] Oh, man.

I can't help but find Grandpa's
sordid past intriguing.

I know. He's like
a mystery wrapped in a...

uh, bigger mystery!

So since my trailer's gone,
guess I'll be staying with--

No, no, absolutely not.

Aw, what?

I got nowhere else to go. We're family.

Come on.

[groans]

You're not living with me,

but I'll help you find a place.

Great thinking, Nance.

But there's one problem.

I have no money.

Then we'll get you a job.

That way, you'll be able
to pay for a place.

- Far away from us.
- [Cricket] Hey, check it out.

You had a whole pool,
and you didn't know it.

[Nancy] Kids, no!

Okay, Dad, Frank has,
like, seven jobs,

so I'm sure he could use
some extra help.

Now wait here,
and stay out of trouble.

- Hiya, Frank--
- [phone ringing]

[Frank] You got Frank.

Doctor, lawyer, dentist,
fireman, mailman,

data specialist, food health
administrator, balloon artist.

You name it, I do it.

Let me put you on hold
for a sec.

Hey, Nancy, what can I do you for?

- I was hoping you could--
- [baby cries]

One sec, I gotta reswaddle her.

Her mom could be here any minute.

Like I was saying,

my dad's in town and he needs a--

- [alarm blaring]
- Hold that thought, Nance.

This can't wait.

4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.

- Phew. That bought us some time.
- What was that?

Listen, Nancy, I've got a lot of jobs.

I don't have time to explain 'em all.

Actually, that's why I'm here.

My dad needs a job,

and it seems like you could use some help?

Me? Need help?

I'm not sure what you're talking about.

Okay, then do you maybe know

anyone else who might be hiring?

Oh, my brother, Hank,

lives a few towns over in Tyneeville.

He could probably use a hand.

Really? That would be great.

Yeah, love my brother, but he's a slacker.

Can't even handle doing six jobs at once.

Turn around for me?

And that, kids, is why

you never eat a baby carrot.

'Cause it just might be
your buddy Chuck's fake thumb.

- Lesson learned.
- Duly noted.

So, Grandpa Nick, where have
you been all these years?

Eh, couple marriages, couple divorces.

Couple states I'm no longer welcome in.

- Wow!
- Wow!

But, hey, enough about me.

How's about we go
and do something really fun?

- Yeah!
- I'll just notify Mama.

Ah, it's fine. You'll be with me,

your grandpa.

- Eh.
- Eh.

[phone line ringing]

Thanks again for putting me in
touch with your brother, Frank.

And for this.

No worries, Nance. My 3:00 cancelled.

Um, I...

Oh. Hi, Hank. My name's Nancy Green.

Your brother gave me your number beca--

Frank thinks I need help, doesn't he?

Well, I do! You're hired!

Do you know anything about nuclear power?

Doesn't matter. You'll learn.

No, no, I already have a job.

It's my dad who needs one.

- He's--
- Sure, he can have a job.

Or two. Or five.

He just needs one, thank you.

And a place to live, if you know any.

In that case, he can
take over as security

at the Tyneeville
mattress store,

and sleep there, too.

Oh, great. I bet there are
all kinds of comfy beds he'd love.

No sleeping on the merchandise!

There's a trailer out back
with a hard metal cot, though.

Works for me.

Hey, Dad, I got you a job.

Dad?

Oh, no.

So, kids, for fun,

I like to let off
a little steam.

Huh. You mean like doing yoga?

Or conversing with a licensed
mental health professional?

Nah, I prefer to break stuff.

You think Grandpa Nick
would k*ll us?

Probably not.
I don't see the incentive.

What? You're gonna love it.
Come on.

[grunts]

A-- A-- Are you sure we're not gonna get
in trouble, Grandpa Nick?

[Nick] Come on, Crinkle Cut. Your turn.

If you insist.

[chuckles]

[grunts]

Slow down, buddy.

You'll graduate
to cinder blocks eventually.

Here, try a brick.

I have much to learn. Whoa!

[grunts and yells]

Whoo! I've never broken anything
under adult supervision before!

- Yes, you have.
- Yeah, but this time

I'm not getting in trouble for it.

Come on, Nantucket. You try.

I suppose you only live once.
Unless you're a cat.

Can't argue with that.

Are you ready, brother?

Less talky. More smashy!

That's the spirit, Crumpet.

- Fire!
- Yeah!

I'm okay. And look,
I found more bricks.

Oh, my. Wanton destruction
is chicken soup for my soul.

[tires screech]

What are you doing
smashing that house?

We can explain, stranger.

You didn't let me finish.

What are you doing
smashing that house...

without using an ax?

Now looky,
there's a lesson in this, kids.

When a fellow degenerate
stumbles upon you

in a windowless van and offers
to let you use his axes,

you say, "Yes, please."

What's your name, stranger?

- Dweezil!
- Hi, Dweezil.

Now get over here
and grab yourself an ax.

- Thank you, Dweezil.
- Thank you, Dweezil.

[Nancy panting]

Wayne, have you seen Tilly or Cricket?

Cricket? Oh, right here.

[chirping]

No, not a cricket.

Cricket, my son.

Your son's a cricket?

I try not to judge folks,
but that ain't right.

Ugh, never mind.

Where would my dad take them?

Oh, is your dad also a cricket?

Wayne, I'm real stressed out and--

Oh, when I get stressed,

I like to do something super fun,

like sample various kinds
of mayonnaise out of the jar

and rate them on a scale of one to two.

Wait, that's it.

My dad must have taken them
to go have fun.

Sweet corn beans!
I know exactly where they are!

Enjoy rating mayonnaises!

Cricket? Tilly?

Kids? Huh?

- [snoring]
- Dad? But where is...

[gasps]
Kids!

[Nancy screams]

Huh? Wha-- What? What the-- Nancy!

You know better than
to tackle a man with an ax.

It's unsafe.

I don't know what's going on here,

but this is exactly
why I didn't want you back.

Mama, we were just learning
proper ax handling

from this scruffy stranger we met.

Dweezil.

See? This is why you can't stay with us.

The kids could have
gotten hurt under your watch.

You were a bad dad to me,

but I won't let you
be a bad grandpa to them.

- Aw, Nancy, look--
- I don't wanna hear it.

Time for you to leave town.

[groans]

Here's your ticket.

Hank'll meet you at the Tyneeville station
and get you all set up there.

- And, Dad.
- [sighs] What?

Don't come back.

Bye, Cricket. Bye, Tilly.

[sighs] Y'all get why
I had to do that, right?

Eh, not really.

Yeah, I mean, we were having fun.

Y'all don't know my dad,
what he's really like.

You mean like how he makes
a lot of people really angry?

Or how he'll lie to your face?

Plus, he's, like, super irresponsible.

And since he's been doing this
kind of stuff your whole life,

it seems like he's never gonna change.

Uh... yes.

That's why I didn't want him
around you kids.

I know he's a mess,

but it's been kinda nice
getting to know him.

So he's not the best grandpa.

But we'll be okay,

because we have the best mama
watching out for us.

You're right. He is a lot.

But he's the only grandpa you got,

and you should get to spend
a little time with him.

And maybe you still can.

[tires squeal]

[Cricket and Tilly]
Whoo-hoo!

- [train horn blaring]
- [Tilly] Oh, no.

Guess that's it.

We're too late. I'm so sorry.

Apology accepted.

- Oh, what the--
- Grandpa Nick!

Back by popular demand.

Also, I kinda need a ride.

So, you didn't go to Tyneeville?

Ah, I was never gonna go.

Oh, I did manage to trade
my ticket for a, uh...

Hmm. Where...

Okay, so if anyone sees a ferret...

Oh, please, Mom, can we keep him?

Or at least the ferret?

Don't you worry about me.

I'll figure out something like always.

Hmm, maybe if I sell
my chest hair to a wig shop.

Oh, all right.
You can stay at my house, Dad.

- [both gasp]
- I want my kids

to have a relationship with their grandpa.

Oh, boy. No fooling?

You hear that, train guy? I'm staying!

No, you're banned.

I didn't mean here. Sheesh.

But I'm not putting up
with any more of your antics.

Things are gonna change around here.

Change how?

[Nick grunting]

Ah, I can't believe I'm doing chores

like some kind of chore-doer.

Hey, if you don't like it, you can leave.

Jeez. Okay, okay.

Your house, your rules.

Hey, Grandpa,
could you tell us another one

of your wild stories?

Hmm. Let's see.

Did I ever tell you about Rat-Face Dave?

No, but I am obviously intrigued.

So the thing about Rat-Face Dave

is that he's real sensitive
about his rat face.

[Cricket and Tilly] Ooh!

Hey, guys, look what I found.

- [grunts]
- Ah!

[Cricket laughing] Sorry.

[breathes deeply] Finally.

A moment of quiet so I can go
over the Green Farm's finances.

Look, Dad. We built a fort.

- Hi, Mr. Green.
- Hi, Papa. Want a tour?

It will literally take one second.

We have a house, and they
build this garbage?

Looks great, kids.
But I gotta go over the ledger.

Since we have a city farm
and a country farm,

I'm guessing that our finances
have never been better.

We're going bankrupt!

Ah, let me see that.

Bankrupt, my heinie.

It's just a small dip
in profits.

Small for now.
But this could become a trend.

What if there's a big dip
in profits tomorrow?

Bill, a little upsy-downsy
is normal for business.

- You're way too high-strung.
- [cell phone vibrates]

I have no idea where you got that from.

It's Gloria.

"Can you come over
and look a sumthig?"

There's an emergency at the café!

Hold on, Gloria! On my way!

[sighs] Upsy-downsy?

Ma doesn't know
what she's talking about.

Things could get really bad.

[Tilly] Ow!
This is really bad.

Tilly, are you okay?

My person is unscathed,

but my shoes are irreparably damaged.

Could you please buy me
some new ones, Papa?

Ooh, while you're at it,

can I get another pair of overalls?

These are getting a tad breezy.

Agh! My kids have needs.

And if I can't provide for them...

Father, why have you forsaken us?

Alas, poor Saxon. I hardly knew thee.

[gasps] Saxon? No!

[car horn blares]

- Hey, Remy!
- Well, this is me.

Hey, Dad.

Whoa! What is all this stuff?

I've been inspired to unburden.

So I'm taking some of this old junk

to the donation center downtown.

Wait a second, Russell.

This stuff doesn't look like junk to me.

Mind if I take it off your hands?

Sure. Be my guest.

Think fast.

Think faster.

Thanks, Greens!

Wow, look at all this.

There's some useful stuff in here.

Well, let's see. Uh...

Why don't you try this, Cricket?

Wow!

- Here you go, Tilly.
- Ah.

What do you think?

- Perfect.
- Things are looking up already.

It doesn't matter if the farm does well,

'cause your dad is a provider!

You're gonna need to provide me a belt.

I can do that.

[humming]

Ah! Gloria, I got your text!
What's wrong?

[laughs] Everything's fine.

I just wanted you to watch this
new reality show.

Another one? Fine.

But it's got 30 seconds to hook me.

Welcome back to Clutter Free with me,

Serenity Spruce.

Minimalism is the key to a happier life.

But you must be willing
to let go of your possessions.

Take this sweater, for instance.

I love this sweater,
but I do not wear it anymore.

And it's making such a mess,
I want to scream.

[wheezy scream]

So, if I find the courage
to get rid of it,

my life will be much happier.

Goodbye, my dear friend.

Now I am happy.

Oh, come on!

That's the biggest load of hogwash

I've seen in a lifetime on this Earth.

I used to joke that this was
the biggest load of hogwash

I've seen in a lifetime on this earth.

- What?
- But after Serenity

taught me how to declutter my house,

my stress is down,
my back is fixed,

and best of all,
my hair has grown back!

Whoo! Ha ha!

Wow. All that just from
cleaning up your house?

Change of plans, Gloria.

I'm gonna learn from this weird
lady and clear out my closet

so I can get my life back on track!

- Good luck, Gramma.
- [Gramma] Not your Gramma!

Just trying it out.

Still can't believe it. What a haul.

It's just like they say,

one man's trash is
another man's future security

that will help protect
his family from hardship.

I remember that saying differently.

All this stuff is so cool.

We can build a way bigger fort now.

Are there any pipes in there
for building a ladder?

Let me check. Hmm.

As it turns out,
these three boxes don't contain

everything we'll need
for the rest of our lives.

We're gonna need more stuff.

Uh, Papa, don't you think
you're being a bit--

Fort.

Uh, I mean, you're right. More stuff.

Kids, get in the Kludge.
We're gonna acquire everything

this family would ever need.

It's time to get thrifty.

- [door sensors chime]
- Look, kids. Free lawn chairs.

Now you'll always have a place to sit.

- Whee!
- Seating!

[Bill] Score! Six printers!

Now you can print
six different things at once.

No more pen and ink for this guy.

Oh-h*-h*! Jackpot!.

Check it out, kids.
With these mannequins,

you'll always have a companion
by your side.

[both] Kinda scary.

Come one, come all.

Step right up, and drop your junk.

Be it broken or old,
Bill Green will take it all.

- [both] Dad, Dad, Dad!
- My children.

Are you two feeling provided for?

Dad, of all the many
emotional crises you've had,

this one is by far the best.

Just look how much
we've expanded the fort.

[Bill]
Whoa! Nice fortifying, kids.

Whew. I am beat.

But, at the end of a long shift,

there is no greater pleasure I find

than keeping my eyes closed
for as long as possible

to savor that first glance of home.

[growls]

Thank you, ma'am.

Uh, Mr. Green? Is everything okay?

Never better. Why do you ask?

Well, it's just that
the house seems a little...

Well-provisioned?

No, it's full of junk.

And as a renter of the house,
I demand a say.

Although, I technically don't pay rent.

Or pay bills.

Wait, does that
make me a squatter?

Do I have any agency according
to Big City housing law?

You seem so stressed.

Ooh, hang on, let me find
my consoling finger.

I need to learn my rights!

Okay. Good luck, Gloria.

Remember, friends, to unburden
your surroundings and yourself,

you must kindly thank your clutter

before releasing it to its next life.

Well, if that's what it takes.

Don't need this anymore.

Uh, thank you?

Have a good time in your next life?

Mwah. What next life?

You're a phone!

Ugh! This ain't me.

[Serenity] You might be saying,
"This ain't me."

- Huh?
- Just remember.

that everyone
is a little different.

You can find your own way
to say thank you.

Oh.

Stand to attention, clutter!

As your commanding officer,

I thank you for your service

and relieve you of duty.

Now, who's next?

Wahoo!

[Tilly] Whee!

Dad, why are all these whirly
ba*ls in our landing spot?

Because, Cricket, in the future,

what if I can't buy you plane
tickets to travel the globe?

This way, you can still be worldly.

But I don't wanna be worldly.

I wanna be a simple boy
who has enough space

to do destructive things indoors.

Cricket's right.

Your collecting has
not only limited our fun,

it's also limited our access
to the facilities.

[flushes]

And I quite need to use them.

Oh, that's not a problem, Tilly.

I think I got an extra toilet
around here somewhere.

- I can hold it.
- Dad, stop.

Don't you think you're taking this whole

"provide for our future" thing
a bit too far?

I most certainly do not.

I might be running out of space
to put stuff,

but we're gonna need it all.

A neon sign?

One of you might
become a fishmonger someday

and change your name to Al.

Can't you see I'm doing this for you?

I just need more space
to store our special treasures.

[Gloria] Um, Mr. Green?
Can I talk to you?

Hmm.

Okay, I think this should be--

- Ah!
- The basement. And Gloria.

I, uh... ahem.

Mr. Green, I have prepared a document

to clarify the terms of my tenancy.

Nonsense. You're more
than a tenant, Gloria.

- You're family.
- Aw.

That's so sweet.

And as family,

I must provide for your future.

And store stuff in your bedroom.

What just happened?

Chicken brooch,
For your years of service,

I give you an honorable discharge.

And with your noble sacrifice,
it is finished.

How 'bout that?

I feel happy as a pig in mud.

- Except cleaner.
- [giggles]

Thanks to everything
Serenity has taught me,

I'm ready to declutter
the rest of my house!

What? What? What?

What, what, what, what, what, what, what?

Bill, what did you do to my house?

You've gone and made it a...

Hello, Mother.

As you can see,

I've filled up the house
with precious goods.

Filled it all the way up to the sky!

Come on. Let me show you what
I've done with the living room.

There's a laundry basket on your head.

[Bill grunts]

Getting in requires a bit

of a tuck and roll,
but it's worth it.

Behold! The Green household
is now a palace

of everything we could ever need.

I know. It's a little sparse.

Billiam Robert Green!
You've gone plumb crazy, boy.

No, Ma. I have to be a provider.

Does this look safe to you?
The roof's gonna collapse!

And where are the kids?

[Cricket]
Gramma? Gramma, is that you?

Come get us out.

We're stuck under this junk

with nothing but six flashlights

and Tilly's famously good attitude.

- [Tilly] It's true.
- [both] Kids!

Oh, dang it, Ma,
you're completely right.

What have I been doing
with all this stuff?

I've put the kids in danger.

We ain't got time
for ruminating on regrets, boy.

We have to get 'em out before
the dang ceiling collapses.

Hang on, kids. I'm coming.

Oh, there's too much stuff.
I don't know where to start.

Step aside, Bill. I'll clear a path.

Serenity Spruce, grant me the
power to declutter this mess.

[wheezing scream]

Junk of the Green household,

I hereby relieve you of duty!

[Cricket and Tilly]
We're in here!

Kids! Papa's coming!

Hurry, Bill! This thing's coming down!

I'm going as fast as I--
Oh, that calendar's kinda nice.

No! Focus!

I think we're done with forts for a while.

Come here, kids.

I've let you down
with all this stupid junk.

So I'd say it's time I lift you up.

[grunting]

Father...

strength!

Bill, the roof!

[all scream]

Mail's here.

- We're alive!
- We're alive!

I'm so glad you kids are okay.

Here's your mail, folks.
And I am off to the hospital.

- Ow, ow, ow.
- He'll be fine.

Well, if our profits weren't down before,

they certainly are now.

I'm so sorry, y'all.

I don't know what came over me.

It just got tough feeling like I
wasn't providing for my family.

It's okay, Papa.
We know you're always trying.

And after you're done fixing my house,

there's a little reality show
I think you'll find helpful.

Aww. Thanks, guys.

Man, what a stressful day.
I could really use a laugh.

[Gloria groans]

You left me to crawl out of the house

using toilet plungers?

- Toilet plungers?
- [all laugh]

[all] Oh, Gloria.

♪ I got sweat in my eyes ♪

♪ Lost a bet and got bit
By a hundred flies ♪

♪ I fell out a big old tree ♪

♪ Hit every branch
And scraped up both my knees ♪

♪ I got chased by a dog ♪

♪ Licked by a frog ♪

♪ Got a rash on my leg ♪

♪ Dropped a dozen eggs ♪

♪ I got splinters in seven of ten ♪

♪ And tomorrow
I'll do it all again ♪