04x22 - Charity Case/Like Father

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two...
One, two three, four ♪

♪ La, la , la , la, la, la, la , la ♪

♪ Na na na na na na na na ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

[chicken clucks]

Listen up, men.
The enemy has taken over the city.

To defeat it, we need to
exploit their only weakness,

their butts.

[rumbling]

- [people screaming]
- Koo koo kachoo.

Uh-oh.

This is it, boys! Gas masks!

[farting]

Attack of the Giant Croblins
is a cinematic masterpiece!

Eh, I prefer
Croblins Fartpocalypse myself.

[announcer] More Croblins movie marathon
after this message.

Hi. I'm former sitcom actress
Debbie Upton,

and I need to tell you
something very important.

Sure, it's easy to love
a beautiful butterfly,

but do you know
who needs your love more?

The butterfly's ugly cousin,

- the common moth.
- [whimpering]

Without your support,

that little guy won't live
to see next Wednesday.

[buzzing]

- It just died in front of us!
- That's so messed up!

But moths don't need to be
miserable and dead.

They can be happy and alive!

For just a small contribution,

you can start
saving the moths right now.

[whimpering]

Just remember,
their fate is in your hands.

And your wallets.

I had no idea moths were in such danger.

That commercial made me feel
feelings I don't wanna feel!

Make 'em go away, Tilly!

Brother, I know just what to do.

Money is on the way, moths!

Twelve dollars and 42 cents.

But that's your entire life savings!

It's okay, Brother,
the moths are depending on me.

Parkour!

Now let's check the website
and see how many moths we've saved.

Tilly Green,
you have saved one half of one moths!

[screams]

Oh, dear. Is that all?

I'll need to make
a much larger donation.

Are you with me, brother?

I'll do whatever it takes to stop
thinking about their cries of suffering.

That's the spirit!

Now let's go save
every moth in the world.

[Bill] Let's see.

So that goes there.

[sighs] Oh!
Why do they make this so confusing?

Bill, you've been tryin' to
fix the fridge for hours now.

Can you just admit you don't
know what you're doin'?

It's time we called a repairman.

Psh, a repairman?

Yeah, I don't think so.

Ah, here's the problem!

These two wires are disconnected.

I'll just put 'em back together
and the fridge will be A-O--

Yow, ooh-hoo, ah-hot hot-hot-hot!

[groans]

I'm calling a repairman.

[coughs] Not necessary.

[Cricket] One lemonade coming right up.

You enjoy now and know that

one hundred percent of your purchase
goes to our "Save the Moths" initiative.

Save the moths? What for?

- Well, they're in trouble.
- What kind of trouble?

The deadly kind.

Okay. And how will the money help?

Just give them your money, Brett!

Ah! Okay! Just be cool.

Congrats.
Thanks to your hard work,

you have saved...
three and a half moths!

Yay!

- [Debbie] But it's not enough.
- Oh.

Hi, Debbie again.

You know what moths really need?

A moth sanctuary.

And if you multiply your donation
by one hundred times today,

then we can protect them
from certain death.

You hear that, Cricket?

We have a once in a daytime
opportunity here!

Yeah, but we can't raise all that money
with a lemonade stand.

You bring up a fair point, brother.

So it's time to get creative.

Hello, sir, I'm the repairman
here to fix your refrigerator.

[humming] Oh! Sorry.

[chuckles] I didn't see you there!

I was focused on
doing some repair work myself.

I'm a fellow student of the tool.

Ah, right on.

Um, can you show me to your fridge?

Yeah, I've been fixin'
a lot around the house.

Sealed a crack in the ceiling last fall,
fixed the TV not too long ago.

- Probably could've replaced it...
- Bill.

- [Bill] But...
- Bill.

And you see that window over there?

Not a drop of rain inside since 19--

Bill! Quit tootin' your own horn
and let the real repairman do his job!

Some things can't be fixed.
You know what I mean?

Um, could you just
take me to the fridge?

Yeah, sure.

- [♪ sad music playing]
- ♪ Can you hear them? ♪

♪ Hear the sound of
their tiny little wings? ♪

♪ Can you hear them? ♪

♪ Hear all of their little
hopes and dreams? ♪

♪ Can you hear them? ♪

♪ They're weak and they're in danger ♪

♪ They don't have much time left ♪

♪ So unless you want to see them all ♪

♪ Dying horrible deaths ♪

[choking]

♪ Empty your wallets for me ♪

♪ We've got to save the moths ♪

♪ Oh, the common moth
lives a life of tragedy ♪

♪ We've got to save the moths ♪

♪ They're dying by the millions ♪

♪ They're scared ♪

♪ Time to show the world
how much you care ♪

♪ Lady, just put all your cash in there ♪

♪ Who cares the cost ♪

♪ We've got to save the moths ♪

♪ We also accept Spendmore ♪

- [cash register dings]
- [Tilly] Look, brother.

With this much money,

funding the moth sanctuary
is closer than ever!

And then I can take off this suit!

C'mon, momma wants her tiny bug condo.

Due to the slow rate of your donations,

over 600 moths have died.

[gasps] What have I done?

I haven't been saving moths!

I've been actively k*lling
them somehow! [cries]

Every penny we earn... it's not enough.

Aw, if only we could just get
a bunch of money.

[gasps] Yes, brother. You're right.

Simply asking for money
is the slow fool's path.

What we need
is to take it from the source.

Bingo banko.

Ah, going with the Phillips head I see.

Yeah, interesting choice.

You know, I tend to
work better when it's quiet.

I get it, I get it.

Us salt-of-the-earth types
gotta focus and concentrate.

Heh, right.

Oh, there she is, the compressor.

Ooh, watch out for the capillary tube!

Sir! Do you want me
to repair your fridge or not?

Well, yeah, I-I was just--

Thank you. Now, can you give me
some space to work?

Of course. Sorry, sir.
You're doing a great job.

There you go. Have a good day.

Can I help the next guest in line?

Greetings!

I need you to give me
all your money.

Is this a robbery?

Call it what you will.

I'm merely the middleman for
the Save the Moths initiative.

Or middle moth as it were.

Now kindly open your cash drawer.

No.

What do you mean, "No"?

I am sorry little girl,

but there is nothing
that I or anyone can do here

to help you and your moths.

No! All those poor little moths.

- You're all murderers!
- Ooh!

Uh, Tilly, maybe it's time we go.

Not until those moths are safe!

[thuds]

Now, be cool and put all the money
in the bag, man.

[chuckles nervously]
Uh, sure thing,

let me just press
the big money button.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Big money for the moths!

Stop right there, police!

[gasps] A child bank robber?

[laughs] That's kind of fun!

Now freeze! You're under arrest!

Oh, look, it's the fuzz!

You want to arrest me?
You don't have the--

[siren wails]

[grunts] Come on, just one more.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Repairman?

I wrote down some things
I need to say.

- Sir, I cannot--
- Please.

Hold your response until I'm finished.

[clears throat]
I was so focused on fixing the fridge,

but then I realized,

what I really need to fix
is... myself.

Uh-huh.

These tools at my belt
can as easily serve as "emotional tools."

Allow me to explain.

Please, this fridge is
in dire need of--

This is my hammer
for smashing my insecurities.

This is my wrench,
to help me get a grip.

- My level will balance...
- [growls]

...all my emotions.

And my crow bar
will pry open my--

Okay, you know what? I'm out.

The repairman's leavin'.
Is the fridge fixed?

No, Ma.

But I am!

So should I call another repairman?

Yes, that would probably be best.

[panting] Gotta get free!
[grunts]

Worry not, my moth brethren,
no cage can hold me!

Yow! What?

I changed my mind. You're free.

But why?

Your brother showed me
a very convincing commercial

that educated me about your cause.

[sobbing]
Those poor little moths!

I figured since we were so persuaded
by the commercial,

he might be too.

We need to save those
poor helpless creatures!

I'm giving all my money to the moths!

Wow, that commercial is so powerful

it made you want to give away
your entire life's savings.

Just like me.

Officer Keys, stop.

That commercial was very convincing.

In fact, it was downright manipulative.

It made me believe I was responsible
for the plight of every single moth.

But, I'm not.

And neither are you.

So, I can keep my money?

Yes.

Yay!

Well, Tilly, we learned
an important lesson today.

Charities are bad.

No, brother, charities are good!

Manipulating people is bad.

Oh, okay.

Well, it's too bad we couldn't help
make that moth sanctuary happen.

Maybe we still can.
Come on, I got an idea.

Papa, I need you to
help me build something!

- Is it a fridge?
- No.

Then, I'm in!

All right, little guy.

Welcome to your new home.

Your very own moth sanctuary.

You can feast here
to your heart's content.

I may not be able to save all of you,
but at least I can save some of you.

I'm proud of you, sis.

Well, now that this is over,

I guess it's back to
thinkin' about myself!

[laughing]

Yeah, that's the stuff.

[buzzing]

Our pool table is looking great!

Sure is.

Wow. We've been working together
on this thing for two weeks now!

Well, it's been so much fun
I never "wood" have guessed!

Ah, you mean to say
you never "saw" that coming?

- Eh? Eh?
- [laughing]

[both laughing]

Eat your apple, Saxon.

You could use the fiber.

[both] Tilly.

- How goes the pool table?
- She's almost done.

Yup, we're just pausing
for a Splish break.

[both] Nectar of the gods!

You know, it's like I always say.
Starting something is easy.

But what matters is
seeing it through to the end.

[both] Ah!

Wow, Cricket!

I see a change in your demeanor,
your body language, your vocabulary.

You are starting to act
just like Papa.

Mmm? What? You're crazy.

Welp, I'm off to Overhauls!

[gasps] The hardware store?
I want to go!

Um... I mean, you go ahead, Dad.

All righty.

Um, did I just get excited
over a hardware store?

Oh no! You're right, Tilly!

I am starting to act like Dad!

- But Cricket, why is that bad?
- Don't you see?

I'm not just acting like him.
I'm becoming him!

During our time building
the pool table, together,

I must have been exposed to
radioactive levels of Dad!

[Bill] Plain water!
Four-wheel drive!

Power drill!

[Cricket] Now I'm infected with Billness!

If left untreated,
it'll take over my entire body!

[Bill] Breathe in, breathe out.

Ba-bum. Ba-bum.

[Cricket]
Soon, I'll be more Dad than myself,

causing an irreversible change!

[screams]

What the heck is happening?

[screaming] No, no! No!

And the Cricket you know and love
will be lost forever!

Bingo-Billgo!

[thunder rumbling]

That sounds terrible!

Yes. I have to cure myself, fast.

But how do you get rid of this illness?

By detoxing in a Dad-free zone.

I need to quarantine in my room,

away from anything that could
incite my Dad urges.

Don't worry Till.

- I'll be cured in a flash!
- [door closes]

Ugh, fine.

If you insist, you can pay
entirely with nickels.

Thanks! Okay, let's see.

Five, 10, 15...

Four thousand eight,
carry the one...

- [door slams]
- [groans]

Another difficult customer.

What I'd give for your job, Alice.

Just sittin' back and crunchin' numbers,
you've got it easy.

You think bookkeeping is easy?

This is advanced math.

And it's a heck of a lot harder
than ringing up a scone!

If it's really as bad as you say,

then let's switch jobs
and prove I have it harder.

Hmm. Feels like something
from a bad sitcom,

but, you're on!

You won't last an hour, granny.

You'll beg for mercy, little girl.

Oh, yeah, I am so down!

- No, Jade, no, it's just us.
- Jade honey, not you. Not you.

Uh, Cricket?
You've been in there a while.

How are you doin', brother?

Yeah, the escape hole here
was lettin' out all this expensive AC,

so I thought
I better patch 'er up.

But you've never
cared about that before!

Cricket, are you asleep?

Huh? Oh no, no.
I'm just resting my eyes.

- Brother!
- [yelling]

Do you even hear yourself?

[gasps] By corn, you're right!

Pretending to be awake
is as Dad as it gets!

The Billness is progressing!

Tilly, you gotta help me!

- [crying]
- Okay, Cricket.

I'm gonna heal you
if it's the last thing I do.

Gloria thinks this is hard?

I can't believe
she runs her own business.

Okay, who do we got here?

Order for Bob!

Thanks. Oh.
You spelled my name wrong.

What? Let me see that.

"B-O-B".

That's Bob.

Not the way I spell it.

Then how the-- [mutters]

Never mind! I got customers. Next!

Hi, yeah, uh, can I get a...
Oh. So many options.

Um, let's see, I'll have...

Uh, give me...

Ma'am? Ma'am? Ma'am?
Ma'am? Ma'am?

Come on, Alice...

If Gloria can do this,
then so can you.

Excuse me, can I pay
entirely with pennies?

[grumbles]

[Cricket] Oof! It's rainin'
cats and dogs out there!

Ah, we sure needed it.

Now I'm talking to myself
about the weather?

[Tilly] I won't let you turn into Papa.

Don't worry, brother. The doctor is in.

Your Billness is progressing
at an alarming rate.

So, it's time for
an aggressive treatment.

Which is why I brought over

- Doug Perkins.
- Howdy!

While not a dad himself,
he has high levels of dad energy.

Exposure to his terrible jokes
should help build up your immunity

against Papa's influence.

Or it could backfire,
and turn him into Bill all the quicker!

Pull yourself together, Nurse Saxon!

We must have hope.

I know it's risky,
but it's our only shot.

Remember, you must resist
the urge to laugh.

Mr. Perkins, if you would,
please tell Cricket a joke.

Okay! Hey, Cricket.

Why'd the scarecrow
win an award?

He was outstanding in his field!

- [laughs]
- Hmm, that's pretty funny.

No, Cricket. No it is not.

Again!

What do elves learn in school?

The Elf-abet!

[muffled chuckling]

Why was Cinderella bad at soccer?

She ran away from the ball!

[muffled laughing]

You hear the rumor about butter?

I won't spread it!

- [grunting]
- [laughing]

I'm losing... [laughs] control!

Hi, losing control.

I'm Doug Perkins!

[laughing loudly]

All right, I'm calling it!

You've done more than enough,
Mr. Perkins.

Thank you so much for coming by.

[laughing]

Oh, that Doug Perkins.

[in Bill's voice] What a hoot!

Nyeh, Tilly, what's happening?
I feel--

[in Bill's voice]
Fit as a fiddle.

Oh, no!
We've triggered an internal w*r!

[in Bill's voice]
A penny saved is a penny earned!

[regular voice] Hijinks!

[in Bill's voice]
Propane tanks!

Candy!

[in Bill's voice]
Vanilla is spicy!

[Tilly] Fight it, brother!

[screams]

Psh, Alice thinks
balancing the books is hard,

but it's just a little math!

Now, if my calculations are correct,

our expenses and revenue
should even out at exactly zero.

What? That can't be right.

No-no-no-no,
why isn't it zero?

Okay. Divide this,
now find the square root here,

account for inflation,
subtract that, and...

Still not zero?

[screams] Math!

[Cricket screaming]

Cricket's personality is truly
split 50-50 now!

Who will take control?
Cricket or Papa?

[yelling] Get out of my head!

- [thuds]
- [in Bill's voice] Look, son.

It's one of my spare caps!

Pop it on and your journey
to the Dad-side will be complete!

No! [groans] Never!

[groans]

The battle is over.

But who won?

Hey, kids! I got the wood finish!

You ready to "finish"
the pool table? Hmm?

Yeah, that joke was... not funny.

I didn't laugh! [sighs in relief]

You're cured!

I'm not Bill!

[both] Not Bill!

Not Bill! Not Bill! Not Bill!

Oh, uh, sorry, Dad. I'm gonna
have to pass on the pool.

Well, suit yourself.

Well, brother, it appears
you're back to normal.

Yes, it certainly does.

Now I can finally
live my life, Bill-free!

- [Gramma muttering]
- [man] Wrong.

[all groaning]

[crying] Why won't it come out to zero?

- B-O-- [gasps]
- [door opens]

[both] Okay, I admit it,

- your job is harder!
- What?

My job? My job's just math!

You're the one who has to
listen to these idiots all day!

- B-H-A-B. Bhab.
- Hmm!

- Uh...
- You'll have an espresso.

Okay.

Thank you all for waiting patiently.

Please accept these coupons
for next time.

[all exclaiming]

I'm gonna save so many pennies!

You know, Alice,
service can be tough.

But your job made me want to cry.

Really?

I couldn't get this equation
to come out to zero,

and I tried everything.

- There. Zero.
- What?

You forgot to find the derivative.

Oh, I don't know what that is.

Well, then who does have
the hardest job?

[Jade] You guys!

Both jobs are challenging
in their own way!

And your unique skillsets
allow you to handle them!

Nobody here has the hardest job!

- So, it's Jade right?
- Uh, yeah.

- She needs a raise.
- Putting it in the books!

Ah, glad that's over.

Now it's time for some
old-fashioned Crickety, no-Dad fun!

Like, chasing this chicken!

- [laughing]
- [clucking]

[sighs] "You breader believe it?"

Yeah, before I was cured

I would have laughed
at a dad joke like that.

But now I couldn't care less.

Huh. Matter of fact...

I couldn't care less about
chasing this chicken either.

[clucks]

Hey, nice shot.

Well, hey, Cricket! Care to join me?

Actually, Dad, the reason
I didn't wanna play pool with you

was 'cause I thought
I was turning into you,

and losing myself.

I thought if I stopped doing
all the stuff you do,

I'd be me again.

But I feel kinda empty,

even though I've been cured
of my Billness!

Well, [chuckles] I guess
you take after your father.

But I just want to be Cricket!

Look, son,
you're 50 percent your mom,

and 50 percent me.

You're like both of us!

But no matter what,
you'll always be 100 percent Cricket.

Yeah! I'm 100 percent me!

Thanks, Dad.

Hey, think you got
another game of pool in you?

[laughs] Well,

they don't call it Bill-iards
for nothing!

[laughs] That was so bad.

You really never miss a "cue".

[chuckles] Oh, nice one!

[laughing]

Well, don't expect me
to go easy on you

just because you're my boy!

Bring it on, big guy.

[ba*ls clacking]

♪ I got sweat in my eyes ♪

♪ Lost a bet and got
bit by a hundred flies ♪

♪ I fell out a big ol' tree ♪

♪ Hit every branch
and scraped up both my knees ♪

♪ I got chased by dogs
Licked by a frog ♪

♪ Got a rash on my legs ♪

♪ Dropped a dozen eggs ♪

♪ I got splinters in seven of ten ♪

♪ And tomorrow, I'll do it all again ♪