05x01 - Gloria Green/Daddy Ditty

[bunniefuu]

Well, this is the last box.

If you get emotional, it's okay to cry.

Please cry.

Gloria, you're moving 30 feet away.

Now skedaddle!
We got important business here.

Is it Bill's birthday?

Much more important than that.

- It's Farmer Appreciation Day.
- Never heard of it.

It's a very important holiday for Bill.

And we always forget it.

- But this year's different.
- Feet off the table!

We got Dad the perfect gift
to show him how much we appreciate him.

♪ I'm a farmer man
Workin' every day ♪

Oh, hey, family!

It's just your dad

listening to his favorite
country singer, Rusty Twang.

Speaking of Rusty,
he's playing a show tonight

in Big City on Farmer
Appreciation Day of all days.

Well, I'm off to the farmer's market

to appreciate some vegetables.

Rusty Twang tickets.

I'm guessing you guys got him
Rusty Twang tickets.

What? No!

That's the first Bill's mentioned it!

Fret not.
We already got Papa the perfect gift.

[Gloria] "Enjoy yer Bill-oons."

What are Bill-oons?

[Cricket groans]

Ow. Ow.

Wow, look at all these Bill-oons.

Dad's gonna be blown away.

[screams]

Oh, no! Dad's getting blown away!

♪ Drivin' in a straight line
Straight line ♪

[screams]

- [electricity crackling]
- [balloons popping]

- Our balloon Dad!
- What are we gonna do?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

Gramma might be going away for a while.

Oh, man. You folks all right?

[all] Rusty Twang!

That's me. If no one's hurt,
let's check the damage.

Come on, Mikey.

I'm Mikey.

Rusty Twang is right here.

You know what this means?

We could ask Rusty Twang
to write Dad a song

- for Farmer Appreciation Day!
- [both gasp]

A song written for Dad
would be the perfect gift.

Every time it plays, he'll think
of how crazy appreciated he is.

It's ideas like this that make me forget
you were dropped as a child.

- [chuckles] What?
- [Rusty] Hmm.

Hey, Rusty, how are things looking?

Not good, little man. Engine's shot.

Guess I'm stuck here till it's fixed.

You don't have to be.

Come stay at our place.

We're only a few blocks away.

You must protect your velvety larynx
from this smoggy street.

And we'll show you
some country hospitality.

That's mighty kind of you.

Oh! I guess it's this way.

[chuckles] You folks sure are generous.

[Tilly] Right this way, Mr. Twang.

Feel free to wander. Except right there!

Termites. Dang bugs chewed
a fat hole in the floor.

Oh... Well, mites or not,
y'all got a great place here.

Oh, thank you, darling.

Don't mind if I do.

- Mmm. So buttery.
- It's the butter.

A fella could get used to this.

Glad to hear you say that.

All the buttery spoils you see before you
are the result of one man.

Our Papa.

Bill Green.

Father, farmer, courtesy-flusher.

A man worthy of appreciating.

And there's nothing he'd appreciate more

than you writing him an original song.

What do you say?

Hmm, songwriting can be tricky,

but I do have respect
for a hard working family man.

Ah, what the heck, I'll give it a try.

- Yay!
- Yay!

Let's see what we can do for old Bill.

Now let's write us a song.

[all gasp]

- [♪ humming aimlessly] ♪ Tractor ♪
- [♪ guitar strumming]

No, tractor's been done.

You're better than that,
Rusty. Come on. Uh...

[♪ Rusty hums]

No. Farming in fields?

[cell phone beeps]

Oh, dang, I got a concert to play.

- Oh, but you're so close.
- You can't give up now.

Just a little more?

Sorry, y'all. Songwriting takes time.

- And I really gotta go.
- What?

- Please don't leave
- But we need this for Papa.

Come on, y'all. It's been fun.

But I got a whole lot of people
waiting to see me play my...

hits.

- [♪ "Farming Man" playing]
- [♪ Gloria humming]

[Rusty screams]

This guy is good!

- Don't go, Rusty!
- Please don't leave us!

I gotta get out of here!

[screams]

[grunts]

[groans]

That went poorly.

Ah, come on, it ain't that bad.

Now Rusty can finish
writing the song for Dad.

Plus he'll thank us when the song's a hit.

[all] We're good people.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[Rusty groaning]

Huh?

Huh?

[pants, gasps]

[yells] What is this place?

- [door creaks]
- [gasps]

[Cricket] Oh, good. You're awake.

Have... Have you kept people
down here before?

Yes, but she's no longer with us.

[gasps]

[Cricket] Now we're real sorry
about our methods,

but it's like I told you before.

We can't let you leave
till you write Dad a song.

So, can you do that for us?

[all] Please?

Yeah, for... for sure.

But, uh, to make it really good,

I'll need writing supplies.

Now that's more like it.

[laughs nervously]

He's here!

[all cheering]

Mr. Twang, on behalf of Big City,

I present you with a welcome basket.

It's got gummies.

[Officer Keys] Here he comes.

Hey, y'all, I'm Mikey.

What? Where's Rusty?

I don't know. He walked off
with some bumpkins while I fixed the bus.

Mmm.

You know what? I thought he'd be here.

[both] Rusty is missing?

I'm on it, Mayor. You can count on me.

- [police siren wails]
- [Officer Keys] Rusty!

[Cricket gasps] There.

All the supplies you asked for.

Don't know why you need
batteries or copper wire.

But who are we to question
the creative process?

[door closes]

Let's do this.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[grunting]

Finished.

That's one fine-looking
emergency transmitter.

Mayday! Mayday! SOS. I need--

Rusty, how's the song coming?

[chuckling nervously]
Oh, it's going great.

Let's hear what you've got so far.

Uh, this one's dedicated
to anyone who can hear me.

♪ My name is Rusty Twang ♪

♪ Come rescue me ♪

♪ This ain't a metaphor ♪

♪ I need the police ♪

Now this is a bop!

[Rusty] ♪ Help
I'm locked in a basement ♪

Wait, could this be a real call for help?

[Rusty] ♪ This is a real call for help ♪

♪ I'm in that red shack next to the cafe ♪

Oh, no. I'm coming, Rusty!

Still kind of a bop!

♪ And I don't want to die ♪

[winces] I have notes.

[Officer Keys] Greens, open up!

What did you do?

Wait, don't panic, y'all! I have an idea.

[Officer Keys]
I know you're in there. Open up!

Come on, you're being rude.

Keys, what are you doing here?

I believe my six-string prince,
Rusty Twang,

is being held here against his will.

- What?
- No time, Bill!

Rusty!

[groans]

Where's my country angel?

[chuckles] No one here but us Greens.

Nobody but you Greens, huh?

Let's see what the man
in your basement says about that.

[clanging]

[chuckles] Just the old water heater.

Hmm.

Well, I was wrong.

Sorry for the intrusion, citizens.

Keys continues the hunt.

[chuckles] Mystery solved.

- [all] Let's get pancakes.
- [metal clangs]

That's weird.

The water heater does clang,

but that was more of a clong.

- [muffled grunting]
- [clanging]

Family, why is Rusty Twang
taped to our water heater?

Because we didn't have handcuffs.

And we wanted him to write you a song
for Farmer Appreciation Day.

You were gonna force my favorite
country singer to write a song for me?

I mean, no!

This is not how we treat celebrities.

Mr. Twang, it's an honor.

Not exactly how I pictured meeting you,
but that doesn't matter now.

You're free to go, Rusty.

Oh, no, he ain't.

You may be against it now,
big guy, but you'll thank us

when the song's done.

Happy Farmer Appreciation Day.

- Wait!
- [door slams]

[groans]

No offense, but your family's crazy.

- Oh, I know.
- [groans]

Look, Rusty, I am so sorry
about my family,

but I'll do whatever it takes
to get you out of here.

Then I promise not to press charges.

What's your plan?

I got an idea.

One that "termite" work.

Rusty Twang declared missing.

Is he dead? Maybe.

Can be yours for $19.95.

- [rustling]
- [♪ jingle playing]

What's that?

This is clearly an attempt to escape.

Yet I cannot look away.

That's it.

[all] Ooh.

Wait for it.

Just about...

- now!
- [Rusty grunts]

[all screaming]

- Oh, my gosh!
- Where's Gramma?

[yells] Quit kicking me!

[screaming]

- Nice catch, Rusty.
- Let's hit it!

[yelling]

Good luck at your big show tonight.

Rusty, don't go!

We just wanted Dad to feel appreciated.

Please, Mr. Twang!

Look, I don't condone
what y'all did at all.

But you love your dad so much,

you imprisoned a country music star.

If that don't make him feel
appreciated, nothing will.

[Gramma] So can we still get tickets or...

[Maria Media] We now bring you
live to the alive Rusty Twang.

Thank you, Big City!

- [gasps] I know him!
- We all know him.

Today was the worst day of my life.

So, I wrote a song about it.

♪ Kidnapped by a country family ♪

♪ With a weird and wicked plan ♪

♪ Gramma, two scary kids
and a big ol' bellied man... ♪

I don't believe what I'm hearing.

Rusty Twang is singing about us.

It's a Farmer Appreciation Day miracle!

Come on, family.

♪ If you're rollin' through Big City ♪

♪ Be cautious and be keen
Watch out for the Greens ♪

♪ I got sweat in my eyes ♪

♪ Lost a bet and got bit by 100 flies ♪

♪ I fell out a big ol' tree ♪

♪ Hit every branch
and scraped up both my knees ♪

♪ I got chased by dogs ♪

♪ Licked by a frog
Got a rash on my legs ♪

♪ Dropped a dozen eggs ♪

♪ I got splinters in seven of ten ♪

♪ And tomorrow I'll do it all again ♪