11x03 - The Return of Albert

[bunniefuu]

My Three Sons, starring Fred McMurray,
and his Uncle Charley, William Demarest.

My Three Sons, starring Fred.

McMurray, and his Uncle Charley, William Demarest.

Oh.

Hello?

Albert.

Well, when Ernie said it was you, I couldn't believe it.

Your voice sounds the same, too.

Well, of course, you know I'm married.

Well, you must have known I'm married, or
you couldn't have found my number, could you?

Well, how are you?

Well, I'm fine, considering that I have a husband,
and three sons, and a daughter, and Uncle Charley.

And a dog.

Well, a big house, and a big family.

I guess you have a big family, too.

Never?

Well, Albert, it's been such a long time.

Not only do I have a husband, and three
sons, and a daughter, and Uncle Charley,

and tr*mp, but I also have three grandchildren.

Well, they're not exactly my grandchildren.

They're Steve's, but I mean, I kind of
consider that they're mine.

And, oh?

Well, I, I didn't realize how I was starting so fast.

I was just merely trying to tell you that I, I...

My husband just came home.

That's right.

Hi, everybody.

Well, isn't anybody going to say hello?

Shh.

Barbara's talking to an old boyfriend or something.

An old boyfriend, yeah?

Well, in that case, maybe she'd like a little privacy.

No, no.

They're triplets by Steve's eldest son, Robbie.

How do I look?

Well, a little older, for sure.

No, no, nothing like that.

All right, everybody out.

Ernie, Dodie, upstairs.

Charley, why don't we go out and have a
cup of coffee or something?

You know, Steve, you got a great knack for
taking the spice out of life.

Darling, it's somebody I used to know way back in college.

I understand, honey.

Yeah, but for some reason, he wants to say hello.

He wants to say hello to you.

Oh, fine.

I'd like to say hello to you.

Albert, this is Steve.

Steve?

Albert.

Hello, Albert.

Well, it's nice to talk to you, too.

I see.

Oh, no, of course it makes sense.

I'm sure I'd have done the same thing.

We all try to shut out the past.

Things get a little dull, wouldn't they?

Yeah.

Well, I've got a better idea, Albert.

Why don't you come out to the house for dinner?

Well, how about that?

Tomorrow night.

Good.

Should we say about seven?

Right.

You've got the address.

Do you want me to put Barbara back on the phone?

Okay, Albert.

We'll see you tomorrow night, then.

Good night.

Well.

Oh, Steve.

Well, honey, he said you went steady with him in college.

Aren't you a little bit curious about him?

I mean, how he looks, how he's changed?

My curiosity would have been satisfied if
he'd sent me a photo.

You don't have to have him over for dinner.

Afraid of something?

Of course not.

Not many husbands would be this understanding.

Not many husbands would be this curious.

Barb?

I'm in here.

Hey, what's this I hear about her
boyfriend coming to dinner?

Charley's been on the phone again.

Of course.

Uh, let's see, you, you went together for
two years in college.

He wanted to be an archaeologist, uh, but settled for CPA.

And he's never been married, and the
minute he came to town, he looked you up.

And Steve invited him for dinner.

Would you hand me those napkins?

Yeah.

What does he look like?

Well, a long time ago, he used to be a very handsome
young man, but I'm sure time has taken care of that.

How does the table look?

It's fine.

But if it were me and an old flame were
coming to dinner, I'd use candles,

and I'd make the rest of the family eat in the kitchen.

Now, why should I try to impress somebody
that I don't even know anymore?

Well, so he could eat his heart out seeing what he missed.

Hey, are we going to eat in here tonight?

Well, I can't very well ask Albert.

Mr. Conway to eat in the kitchen.

Yeah, I guess.

Aren't you nervous, Mom?

No.

No?

Why should I be nervous?

Well, if you went with him for two years,
you guys must have smooched a lot.

Um, Ernie, what are you wearing tonight?

A suit, if you want.

Hmm.

No kidding.

Going with somebody.

Ernie, why don't you go check your suit?

What?

I'm going.

What?

Mama, I was wondering something.

What is it, honey?

How'd you like when that man gets here?

Oh, well, you just be yourself.

Yeah, only if he used to be your
boyfriend, should I kiss him or anything?

Oh, Dodie, as your mother says, just be yourself.

Yeah, that's right, Dodie.

And look, while we're about it, come on, let's
get a couple of them c*ck out of your hair.

Oh, and just don't expect too much, Barbara.

I once saw an old girlfriend of mine after


You know, Katie, I am beginning to be nervous.

You, uh, you did say 7 O'clock.

Uh, 7 O'clock.

Uh, darling, why don't you sit down and relax?

And if it'll make you feel any better,
you never look prettier.

Oh, thank you.

You know, you're being pretty wonderful about this.

I mean, if it was a former girlfriend of
yours coming to visit, I don't know what I'd do.

I'd probably scratch her eyes out.

I'm really not quite that noble.

As a matter of fact, I'm banking heavily on time,
increased his hairline, and increased his waistline.

I mean, I couldn't stand being married to a Saint.

Do I look okay, Mommy?

Oh, you look wonderful.

Man, there's some weird vibrations in this room.

I still think you... Ernie, some other time, huh?

Come in.

Well, he sure don't believe in getting any place early.

It's three minutes to seven.

I hope he gets there before I have to leave.

May I suggest that you all move around?

Or sit down, or something, instead of staring at the door?

You look like you're waiting for a show to start.

We are.

Well, it's your party, Barbara.

Now, which one of us do you want to answer
the door and let the old wreck in?

As the man said, it's your party.

Bobby.

Hello, Bobby.

Lots of traveling, lots of restlessness.

This CBA business didn't occur to me until
a couple of years ago.

I, uh, well, I figured it was time to settle down.

Are you planning on settling in this area, Albert?

Uh, no, uh, San Francisco.

Albert has a brother and two sisters who
live in San Francisco.

Well, I mean, they, they still live there,
don't they, Albert?

Yes, you couldn't blast them out.

Bobby, uh, tells me you play golf.

Who's Bobby?

Well, honey, uh, Bobby is a nickname for Barbara.

You've, uh, finished your dessert.

Now, why don't you help Ernie take out the dishes, huh?

Yeah, I'll take them out.

Yeah, I, uh, I play golf, Albert.

I try to get out about once a week.

You play?

Well, I try.

I just bought a new set of clubs.

Well, that always helps, huh?

Yes, except it taught me one thing.

Now I can't blame my game on the clubs.

But I got my short game now, and the woods
go right out the window.

Yeah, I've played a long time, and it's very
seldom I got everything working at the same time.

What's your handicap?

I'll help the kids with the dishes.

I'm a 10, but I'm having a little trouble playing.

Well, I'm a little closer to a 14,
but I haven't played for three weeks.

I'll tell you, uh, four of us fellas try
to get together every Saturday morning,

but one of the fellas wasn't sure he could make it.

Now, uh, why don't I check, and if there's a
spot open, uh, would you like to play tomorrow?

Great.

Well, I'll come right now.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, would you like some coffee?

No, no, thank you.

I don't look so apprehensive, Bobby.

I'm not going to say anything wild or do anything weird.

I just wanted to see you.

Well, I'm glad to see you too, Albert.

Now, one personal observation, then,
uh, we'll talk about other things, okay?

Okay.

You look absolutely great.

Oh, thank you.

Bobby, uh, may I ask you something?

Uh, we've had the one personal observation, you know.

Oh, but this is a question.

Would you have married me if I had come straight
home from Korea instead of wandering around the world?

I honestly don't know.

Now, that's enough.

Personal observations and innocent questions.

Don't you think?

I think.

Well, we're all set.

Eight O'clock too early?

Yeah, perfect.

Good.

Josh Martin couldn't make it again.

Bad back or bad wife?

A little of both, maybe.

Saturday morning.

There's m*rder around here with Steve teeing off at dawn.

Hey, where's the boyfriend?

Don't say that even in fun, Charlie.

Well, everybody's up early.

Good morning.

If you'd have got down here five minutes
earlier, you could have teed off in the dark.

It's not that early, Charlie.

There you go.

Thanks.

Now, would you like some toast or something?

No, no, just the coffee would be fine.

We'll have breakfast at the club coffee shop.

Then why didn't you have coffee at the coffee shop?

Then Barbara wouldn't have had to get all
dressed up and slam dishes around in the kitchen.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Last night I dreamt I was 25.

And it's frustrating.

Morning, Albert.

Oh, I'm not late, Steve.

I didn't want to ring the front doorbell
and wake everybody up.

You're right on time.

Good morning, Bobby.

Good morning.

Say, does your wife always look this good
in the morning, Steve?

Well, it varies.

Would you like some coffee?

Oh, I thought we were having breakfast at the club.

Well, we are, but would you like a cup of coffee here?

No, I think I'll wait.

Hey, Steve, did you warn your friends about me?

As I told you, I have not touched the golf
club in three weeks.

Oh, don't worry about it.

You'll do all right.

Maybe I should warn you about Ted Wells.

He's a very deliberate player,
kind of slow, but he's a nice fellow.

You'll like him.

Yeah, but what about the other guy?

Well, Sordell Smith used to play to
scratch, but he's fallen back to a five handicap.

Fallen back to a five.

Steve, I'm beginning to think I'm in pretty deep.

Don't worry.

Bye, Bobby.

Um.

You'll probably end up being Sordell's partner anyway.

Bye.

Hey, buddy.

Hi, Barb.

Yeah, hi.

Come on in.

Our TV went out, and I want to see the game.

He does not want to see the game.

He wants to see Albert.

Oh, well, they're still on the golf course,
but they ought to be home any minute.

What time does your game start?

He doesn't know.

He timed everything so we'd be here when
Dad and Albert finish golf.

How'd it go?

How'd what go?

The dinner last night.

Ernie said there were a lot of weird vibrations.

It went fine.

Albert hasn't changed much, and after a
few minutes of sparring around, we all relaxed.

Steve likes him, and, well, that's the important thing.

He must.

They'll let him in on that foursome of his.

What did he look like?

Hmm, he's just an average,
run-of-the-mill, good-looking ex-boyfriend.

Just drop your clubs right here.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, hi, Kate, Rob.

Hi, Dad.

This is an old friend of Barbara's, Albert Conway.

These are the parents of the famous triplets.

Hello, Kate.

Hello.

Robbie, how do you do?

Hey, I want to see those triplets before I leave town.

Hey, this is quite a golfer you've got here, Bobby.

He hit a drive off the 14th tee that was
good for at least 250 yards.

Only drive I hit all day.

Had the wind at my back and the ball hit a
sprinkler head and... Oh, wind at your back, that thing.

You play golf, Robbie?

Yeah, but not good enough to play in Dad's foursome.

You must be pretty good.

Good?

He had an 82 with a nine of bombs.

k*lled everybody with that 14 handicap.

Hey, Albert, are you busy for dinner?

No.

Well, why don't you eat with us again?

Okay, honey?

Sure.

Well, thank you.

In that case, I'd better freshen up a little.

Follow me.

Hey, that old Todd had a good shot on number eight.

That approach shot.

Yeah, good.

He's excited.

Oh, mama Mia.

Oh?

Oh, it's just a clinical mama Mia, honey.

Nothing personal.

That is a very handsome man.

Hmm.

Yeah, I suppose he is.

I can't figure it out.

Dad actually likes him.

Or is he just playing the be nice to it
and it'll go away game?

Anybody but Dad, and I'd wonder.

Now, Dad's too honest.

He really likes him.

And he's not jealous.

Or is he?

No.

Not in the slightest.

I mean, they have a lot in common.

Including you.

I'm sorry, Barb.

It's one of those things you say and then
you wonder why you said it.

Well, we see him.

Let's go.

See you, Barb.

Bye.

What about the game on TV?

Is there a game on TV?

What game?

I must have made a mistake, Dad.

I guess it's on tomorrow.

Oh, you didn't believe it?

Yeah.

See you later, Barb.

Bye.

Bye, kids.

Did you, um, did you have fun?

Oh, yeah, I had a good time.

Did, uh, Albert say anything about, uh... About what?

Well, I mean, did he do any reminiscing?

Honey, uh, golf requires a little concentration, you know.

A 14 handicap doesn't sh**t at 82 and go
around the golf course reminiscing.

I guess not.

All right, guys.

What are you guys doing out here?

Well, they had dinner and kept us out here
so we wouldn't blow the conversation.

Blow the conversation?

Yeah, Mama and her boyfriend and Daddy are
talking about the olden days.

Your mother and her boyfriend and your father?

That's the guy she used to go with.

He showed up and they had dinner here last night.

Today, my dad took him to play golf.

My father would k*ll him.

I walked up to the room a couple of times
and their vibrations have all calmed down.

It didn't seem that long ago and yet we
all look as if we were on another planet.

Look, look at the fat pants on Jack Somerton.

But you managed to look well, Bobby.

My father would k*ll him.

I, uh, I didn't know you knew each other in high school.

I thought you just went together in college.

Oh, we go back to junior high school.

Is that Jay Frazier?

I'm not sure.

It's such a tiny picture.

No.

No, you know who that is?

That's that guy that used to try and cut
in on us at the Friday Mixers.

What was his name?

Oh, I know that.

Carl.

Carl something.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl... Carl Osterstock.

Uh, Friday Mixers?

Yeah, oh, it was a dance we used to have
at the gym every Friday.

Oh, dear.

Okay, what's this?

Oh, I don't know.

You didn't say these.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

These are some of the worst poems ever
written by the hand of man, see?

I wrote them to Barbara when I was...

How old were we?



I don't believe this.

Bobby is a pin which women wear in their hair.

And Bobby is a policeman in London town, so fair.

But Bobby is a girl with golden hair and a golden laugh.

Bobby is a Vixen, a Lorelei.

Not a pin, not a policeman.

Wait.

Bobby is my hobby, my vocation, my all.

And when she isn't Bobby, she is Barbara.

And I'm her.

Her thrall.

How about that?

How about that?

I just don't believe it.

Oh, we didn't bore you with the high
school annual, darling?

Oh, no.

Well, I know we must have bored you
because you began to get awfully quiet.

But did you ever hear anything?

Anything as funny as those poems?

No, never.

Why did you save them?

I didn't save them.

I must have stuck them in the book.

Steve.

I want you to tell me something.

I don't want any hedging.

Are you jealous?

Douglas, of course I'm not jealous.

But it does seem odd to me that you'd save
those stupid poems for all these years.

When she isn't Bobby, she's Barbara, and I'm her thrall.

Welcome to the human race, darling.

Now, Barbara, it isn't that I'm jealous.

Yes, it is.

And now that you mention it, yes, it is.

For great relief from everyday life
tonight, tune to TV Land with shows like.

My Three Sons, Hogan's Heroes, and Sanford and Son.

You've got an evening of entertainment
that's a full 34% better than real life.