11x11 - The Bride Went Home

[bunniefuu]

My Three Sons Starring Fred McMurray And
his Uncle Charley, William Demarest.

I think I k*lled Chip last night.

You think you k*lled Chip?

The dinner I made him.

I hardly know what I'm saying.

He didn't sleep last night.

He was sick.

And he's really pale right now.

He has to take a chemistry test today.

I'm shaking all over.

Well, it sounds like he has a touch of Tomein.

Is there such a thing as a touch of Tomein?

I mean, he was green.

Now he's that terrible chalky white.

He won't let me call a doctor.

What did you have for dinner last night?

Just ordinary stuff.

I make this sort of hamburger and beans
dish, all mixed together.

Oh, no.

Hold the phone a minute while I check something.

It's okay.

I thought I might have given him cat food.

By mistake.

But it's still there.

Honey, don't try to get out of bed yet.

Barbara, he looks terrible.

What'll I do?

I suggest you make him some wheat tea and
toast, and if he doesn't get better soon,

you call the doctor, no matter what he says.

Thanks.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

Oh, honey, you can't go to school today.

When did we get a cat?

It's a little stray that I feed every once in a while.

Sit down.

I gotta take that test.

The whole Phillips doesn't give makeup exams.

Are you positively sure that cat food's
still in the refrigerator?

It's dark.

Can you stand up?

Sure.

Oh.

Just shower, all right?

Don't shave.

After all, you don't have to be
clean-shaven to take an exam.

I'll make breakfast.

Well, just tea and toast.

Oh, I'd better call the doctor.

Okay, okay.

Tea and toast will be fine.

Honey?

You know, this is the first time since we've
been married that either of us have been sick.

One more thing to share.

If I ever get to a man, I'm sure I'll be a real baby.

I'm not going to be about it, so be
prepared for a lot of tears.

Chip, did you eat anything that I didn't cook?

I don't think so.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Dad.

Well, I won't say that he's fine,
but he's up and he's taking a shower.

I told him not to shave.

Polly, I was thinking, when Chip was
little, he had this allergy.

He was allergic to beans, lentils,
string beans, any kind of beans.

And I, uh... Oh, and I've been k*lling him by inches.

I serve him that beans and hamburger dish
almost every night.

Chip's been sick before, and he'll be sick again, and...

Now, wait a minute.

I didn't mean from your cooking.

Yeah, fine.

Okay, Polly.

Goodbye.

Bye.

What is it?

Nothing a few years won't cure.

Polly's just changing from a bride into a wife.

Poor Chip.

Poor Polly.

Polly?

Oh.

Chip, is that the only shirt you've got?

Yeah, what's wrong with it?

You ironed it yourself.

Why don't you wear a sweater?

Honey, it's gonna be a hot day.

Chip, please wear a sweater.

There's a big iron Mark on the back of the shirt.

Good thinking.

It might rain or something.

I don't think there's any real trick to it.

I do the shoulders first, and then the
back, and the arms, and the cuffs,

and then the front, and I save the collar for last.

Why do you do the collar last?

Because it's the only thing that shows in
those silly suits men have to wear.

Not when they take off their coats or sweaters.

Yeah, Chip is in school.

Hot, sick, taking an exam, and he can't take
off a sweater because I left my brand on his shirt.

An iron Mark.

And your place is always so neat.

Well, it may look neat.

Steve and Douglas.

Stay in your bed, Steve, and now get back in there.

Are you all up?

Hi, you all set?

Now, come on.

Let's go.

What are you doing?

How come you look like that?

Oh, it's not today.

It's today.

Oh, I could have sworn you said it was tomorrow.

I don't have a sitter or anything.

Oh, yes, you do.

I had my secretary send one over.

Hi, Polly.

Hi.

She'll be here any minute.

Look how I look.

Okay, go do something to yourself, will you?

We can make it, maybe.

Do something for myself?

Well, you know what I mean.

Yeah, I certainly do know what you mean.

Honey, you're wasting time.

Oh, why don't you just introduce me to
your friends as my wife, the wreck?

That'll get you off the hook and make me feel just great.

Did you ever hear anything more ridiculous
than that last remark?

Introduce me as my wife, the wreck.

Are you supposed to go someplace?

Yeah.

My department at the plant is having a reception
for our new supervisor at a restaurant near here.

So I took the trouble of getting a sitter.

I tell Katie 50 times about it, and I
just didn't happen to tell her this morning.

I can't understand how that would happen.

Sometimes I think marriage is for the birds.

But birds don't get married.

Exactly.

Oh, break the nose to mother, break the nose to
my big brother, get an accent, bust my sister's custard.

Uh-oh, uh-oh.

Okay, who stuck gum under the couch?

Anybody home?

Just me and whoever comes down them steps when I yell.

Ernie, Dodie, come on, you get down here.

Hi, I haven't any class today, so I thought I'd drop by.

Well, glad to have you.

Come on, you kids.

Man, what's wrong, Uncle Charley?

Yeah, Uncle Charley, how could we do
something wrong already?

We just got home from school.

Feel under the couch.

Man, Uncle Charley, do I have to?

It's so yucky under there.

Yeah, and I wouldn't holler so loud if I were you.

Mom's got a headache and she's trying to take a nap.

Oh, is this a plot to keep me from getting some rest?

Oh, Polly, hello.

Hi, I just dropped by.

Uncle Charley wants us to feel under a dirty couch.

Oh?

Somebody in this group stuck gum under the couch.

Did you put gum under there?

Uh-uh.

Heck no, Mama.

Me neither.

Well, at least Polly.

Or me, of course.

Unless you'd like Steve to feel under the
couch when he gets home from work.

He probably wouldn't admit he did it either.

Don't you think our rights were infringed, Mom?

I mean, can he force us to scrape off gum
we didn't put there?

Ernie, I don't want to go into a debate.

Do you have any homework?

Yeah, but I... No buts.

Just go upstairs and do it.

You too, Dodie.

I don't have any homework.

Well, then go upstairs and do something else.

Like what?

Look, young lady.

You march right up those stairs this
minute or I'll give you some chores to do

that'll make homework look like a tea party.

I'm sorry, Polly.

I guess you caught us on a bad day.

How's Chip?

Well, he went to school, but... Barbara,
who's cooking dinner tonight, you or me?

Well, I'd be glad to, Charley, if
there's something else you'd like to do.

I ought to be cleaning the gum off the
couch, but I guess I can do both.

Excuse me a minute, Polly.

Uh, Charley, let's not discuss it in front of Polly.

She's a little upset as it is.

Well, what's she got to be upset about?

I hear you've been poisoning Chip lately.

And, Charley... Oh, but, look, that's only a joke.

Well, there's no time to joke about such things.

Hey, nobody knocks around here.

Just crash in.

What?

You don't have to knock.

If I want privacy, I just barricade the door.

I don't want to bother you if you're doing homework.

Bother me?

Man, I'm delighted to be bothered.

I just sort of had a feeling I wanted to
sit in Chip's old bedroom.

This is the place.

This is where me and old Chip grew up together.

I wonder if he really wanted to get married.

Or if it was just too nice to tell me how he really felt.

Oh, he must have wanted to get married.

That guy doesn't wreck his life, just to be polite.

Wreck his life?

Well, not that old Chip wrecked his life, exactly.

What I mean is, lots of people survive getting married.

But you think it would have been better to wait, right?

Well, if you're asking Ernie Douglas' boy
bachelor, Ernie Douglas' teenage

philosopher, sure, it would have been better to wait.

We seem to have found that out.

Hi, honey.

Hi, honey.

Where have you been?

School.

All day?

I called, and they said the exam was over at 3 O'clock.

Did you go to all your classes?

I was in the school infirmary.

Infirmary?

What happened?

Well, I sort of passed out during the test.

From my cooking?

When they pumped out my stomach, they said I'd be fine.

They pumped out your stomach?

Well, just a little bit.

I'm fine.

I really am.

How about dinner?

How can you trust me with your stomach again?

What did we have to eat last night?

Just some spaghetti.

Clean white spaghetti and no sauce.

And a little tea.

Then it's just a reaction from the Tomein
and having his stomach pumped.

You might say he's still a little... A little sensitive.

Spaghetti was a little tough.

These things happen all the time, my dear.

The best we doctors can do is look a little
wise and tell you to have this prescription filled.

Now you call me if you think it's
necessary and stop looking so worried.

Goodbye now.

So long, Chip.

Thank you, doctor.

Bye.

Oh, darling, there's no good for you.

Come on, Polly, cut it out.

No, I mean it.

Yes?

My daughter-in-law.

Which one, Janet?

Oh, fine, send her in.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Polly.

Well, it's good to see you.

Sit down.

Well, what's on your mind?

Well, I wouldn't have come down here,
except that it's important.

It's about Chip and me.

I hear he's up and around again.

Yeah, he's fine.

That's why it's time to make the move.

I mean, I couldn't make the move when he
was lying there looking so pathetic.

What move are we talking about?

Well, first of all, I want you to know that I love him.

But I'm only 18, and I'm so dumb.

Now, Polly, I've known you too long to let
you get away with a statement like that.

Well, I can get A's and B's in political
science and English lit and stuff like

that, but I'm beginning to think that my father was right.

Eighteen is so young to...

The point is that I'm no good for Chip.

Don't you think Chip should be the judge of that?

I'm concerned about you.

Why would you think such a thing?

Well, I've seen him struggle trying to maintain
a wife, to try to pay for a room at the dorm.

What do I do to help?

Well, they had to pump his stomach out.

Oh, then the whole problem comes down to cooking?

No.

It comes down to what's best for him.

I don't want our marriage to turn into a series
of fights and arguments and bitterness like...

Like what, Polly?

Like most marriages.

Well, Polly, marriages and families are made up of human
beings, and many times they yell a lot and argue a lot.

But when it comes right down to it,
they still love each other.

I know.

It's because I love Chip.

And I'm bad for him.

And I don't want bitterness for him.

But I'm leaving him.

Hey, honey, open the door.

My hands are full.

I'll be right there, darling.

Hi.

Well, this box has got fried chicken.

What we don't eat tonight, we'll save for lunches.

This box has got ice cream and napkins and junk.

You okay?

Oh, I'm fine.

I'll never forget this little room, will you?

You won't get a chance to.

We'll be here until we graduate.

And that reminds me, I've got a lot of
studying to do tonight.

Old Phillips is letting me take a makeup exam after all.

And I guarantee that nobody will be here
to give you Tomania's time.

And I've got a present for you.

You shouldn't buy me presents.

This is something we both need.

Let's see.

Hey, come on, honey.

Well, what did you say?

Did you try to talk her out of it?

Oh, sure.

I spent the whole morning trying to talk her out of it.

She thinks she's leaving Chip for his own good.

Oh, that's a romantic notion.

I just hope when it gets right down to it,
she won't be able to make herself leave him.

Where are you going?

We're going to Chip's, right?

I'm just going for a walk.

Oh, well, I'll go with you.

Of course, I just might happen to go in the
general direction of Chip and Polly's place.

Well, let's both go in the general
direction of Chip and Polly's place.

I didn't think she could do it.

I just hope she tears up the note before
he wakes up and sees it.

What note?

Honey, where have you been?

Anytime a woman leaves her husband,
she always writes a soul-searing,

heart-rending note to tear him up for the rest of his life.

Hi, guys.

Wasn't lately Chip?

He bought me a cookbook, so he's a lot
safer than he used to be.

Well, you make yourselves at home.

I have to go help Charlie.

We're having a disagreement about where you
put the thermometer when you check a Turkey.

Hi, you guys.

Hi, Dodie.

You look all right to me, Chip.

How am I supposed to look?

Uncle Charley said Polly wrecked your main toe.

It's called toe man, and Polly didn't have
anything to do with it.

I had a virus or something.

Oh.

Ernie, is Uncle Charley making a cake?

Yeah, I think so.

Then I get to lick the bowl when he's done
making the icing.

Icing isn't good for little kids.

But it's okay for teenagers, right?

Hiya, kids.

Hi, Uncle Charley.

You poisoned anybody today, Polly?

Charley.

Ah, nothing personal, Steve.

Polly knows I wasn't always the great cook I am now.

Back in the olden days, they used to call
me Stomach Pump O'Casey.

Charley, how's the Turkey coming?

Don't you think maybe you'd better check on it?

Oh, Barbara's checking it.

Charley.

Okay, Steve.

Nobody has to kick me in the head.

Hey, somebody open the door.

Yeah.

Hi, Barbara.

Hi, you guys.

Hi.

Hey, Dad.

Hi.

All right, we're going to put them down.

Protect yourselves.

There you go.

You ready?

Be careful, you guys.

Go up higher.

How was the reception the other day, Rob?

Oh, the reception?

Oh, it was great.

Katie came in a red outfit and was the belle of the ball.

Charley, get away from that thing.

Oh, Charley.

What bunch?

Who did that?

Oh, who else?

Your namesake.

Oh, Charley.

Oh, Charley.

Oh, he's mad, boy.

He's mad.

Hey, you can punch every bone in the house.

Dad?

Yeah, Polly?

Do you think I'll be smarter when I'm a few years older?

Well, honey, that's hard to tell.

I'm still waiting for my load of wisdom to arrive.

It arrived the other night when I was leaving Chip.

What arrived?

What you called your load of wisdom.

Oh.

Thanks very much for letting me grow up a little bit.

I did it all by myself.

Well.

My Three Sons is twice as nice when you see it twice.

So stay tuned for more middle-class suburban hijinks on
another episode of My Three Sons, next, only in TV Land.