11x15 - The Love God

[bunniefuu]

Hi. Welcome to our show.

I shut the alarm off so you could get a few extra minutes.

Oh, thanks. I needed it.

Did you sleep well?

Not too well. I had nightmares all night.

Must have been that leading lady on that
horror movie I looked at on the Late Late Show.

Or the bacon and sausage pizza.

Yeah, I could have been that, too.

I better go back to the mushroom and mozzarella.

If you're, uh, if you're headed for
the shower, you're gonna have to wait.

Now, don't tell me Charley's done a big
laundry already and run us out of hot water again.

No, but we have a little girl who's locked
in the hall bathroom and Ernie's using ours.

Is anything wrong?

Well, she hasn't actually said, but, uh, today's
the day she goes into the upper second grade.

Oh, that's it.

See?

See, the old age, too, means
you're not babyish anymore, Myrtle.

We'll probably learn how to spell
hard words like liverwurst and nostril.

Who knows?

Maybe we'll even get to sing Red River Valley backwards.

I have a growing feeling that
she's in there scared to death, Steve.

Well, why don't we go and give her a little encouragement?

I don't know.

She's too upset.

I'll drive her to school and walk in with her.

I think that'll help you.

Dodie.

Dodie, honey.

Hi, what you guys doing?

Well, Dodie, we were just wondering how you are.

You got yourself all dressed, I see.

Yeah.

Listen, kiss me goodbye because
I don't want to be late for the A2.

Well?

Well.

Okay, sweetie.

Goodbye, Dodie.

Bye, Myrtle.

I left her in there, Daddy.

She wants to watch you shave.

But we were worried.

I'm surprised she didn't ask for the car.

I don't know.

Maybe Mrs. Thorndyke.

Mrs. Thorndyke?

My older brother said her hair
fell off and she obviously was.

Really, Margaret?

I don't think so.

My older brother has this weird imagination.

Did you guys hear about Ronald Borders?

Who's him?

He said he's going to kiss all the girls going into the A2.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe I'll note your kiss inside now.

Well, was she in there?

All that was in there was a man.

Is he fixing something?

Oh, I don't think so.

He was just standing around in a suit.

Maybe he's a janitor.

Uh-uh, janitors leave their suits at home.

I wonder who the heck he is.

Yuck.

Here comes Ronald Borden.

Yep, here he is.

The old A2 kisser.

Aren't you going to say hello, Ronald?

Yuck.

We better go in.

Yeah, I guess our new teacher's going to be late.

Good morning, class.

Welcome to the A2.

My name is Mr. Turley.

I'm your new teacher.

You had a crush on your new teacher, huh?

I'll give you a direct quote.

I could stare at Mr. Turley's face for
a whole year and never get sick of it.

That ain't exactly poetry, but I get the sentiment.

Oh, Dodie, I said breakfast.

It's the third time you've called her.

I wonder what's keeping her.

I don't know.

You know, I had a crush on the teacher once.

Oh, how old were you?

Thirty-seven.

She taught pool in the bowling alley in downtown Buffalo.

Oh, that's sharp.

Yeah, her name was Mitzi LaRue.

Hey, Dodie, oh, she was a wizard, eight ball.

You can save the lungs, Uncle Charley.

Dodie says she's not eating.

Why does it make sense?

Did she say why?

Well, she's locked in the bathroom.

All I could hear was that she's not
eating and something about a Mr. Turkey.

Mr. Turley, that's her new teacher.

She has a crush on him.

Oh, yeah?

I had a crush on the teacher once.

She got married during summer vacation to a tuna fisherman.

What happened to it?

I don't know, but it tore me up for the whole fourth grade.

Well, having a crush on your
teacher is no excuse for starving.

Dodie!

You guys notice anybody looking any older?

You know, like... Like about nine or ten.

Uh, honey, um, I don't think you
can go to school wearing all of that.

I bet that means you're gonna say no to the fur coat, too.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Uh, you can wear the ribbon in your hair.

Man, Mama, Mr. Chudley's just gonna think I'm a kid.

Now, a noun is a name word.

It names people, places, or things,
such as tree, lake, river, ocean, brother.

All these words are nouns.

Now, they're wonderful.

Sure looks like there's a lot of salt in here, Margaret.

Don't worry.

My mom always adds a little bit of extra salt.

She's a junk when she cooks for my dad.

My dad always says, Laverne, these
cookies drive me right out of my skull.

Then he eats another one.

Now, what do I dump in?

Let's see.

One tufts baking powder.

Huh?

That's what it says right here.

T-P-S-P, tufts.

That's right.

How big is a tuft?

I don't know.

I haven't been cooking too long.

Well, my mama always adds a
little bit more of everything, right?

Yeah, and your dad eats like a horse.

Right.

So let's add a cup of this baking soda junk.

Man, Margaret, we ought to be chefs or something.

Well, how are you kids doing on the cookies?

Fine.

I'm just stirring up the goop now.

I'll light the oven, like I said, and then I'll
show you how to drop them on the cookie sheet.

Thanks for your help, Uncle Charley.

Yeah, thanks, Uncle Charley.

Anything for Mr. Turley.

Well, they look as good as the first batch.

Mr. Turley's going to go right up and skull over these.

And I think the first batch is cool enough to taste.

I can't wait.

Me neither.

Tastes like cooked rice.

Mr. Turley will hate them.

Hey, wait a minute.

What's wrong?

You went and wrecked our cookies.

Hey, yeah, Uncle Charley.

It feels like cement.

And it sounds like cement, too.

All I did was light the oven.

And dropped them on the cookie sheet.

I'm going home.

I'm going with you.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

I think I feel rotten.

I don't blame you.

She lost her touch with cookies.

And besides, Dodie, Mr. Turley could very well be married.

Oh, no, he couldn't very well be married, Dad.

Oh, why not?

He doesn't wear a marriage ring.

Of course you know, Dodie, not all
men that are married wear wedding rings.

But did you know Priscilla went right up to him
and asked him if he was married, and he said, uh-uh?

Well, Dodie, we've all had crushes on someone
at some time in our lives, and we all get over them,

just like you will.

You already said that, Dad.

Yeah, well, I just want to be sure you understand.

Yeah, I do. That's the trouble.

Well, it'll all work. You'll see.

Now, come on, let me tuck you in.

Good night, sweetheart.

See you in the morning.

So Steve cleared up the crush thing just like that.

I don't know how he did it.

Me? I just ruined their cookie.

Oh, Charlie. Now, you know that wasn't your fault.

Yeah, well, I didn't sink the Titanic
either, but I still felt bad about it.

Well, I got to get to the market before
those dames buy up all the specials.

Okay.

I'll see you later.

Oh, Charlie, you're a gem.

A little unpolished, but a gem.

Hello?

Yes.

An accident?

What?

Well, is she all right?

Excuse me.

I'm coming through, kid.

I just called your mother, Dorothy.

She's coming right down.

Thank you, Mr. Charlie.

I'll have you out of here in no time, little lady.

Now, Dorothy, are you all right?

Yeah.

Sort of.

Well, everything will be just fine.

I'll stay right here with you.

Thank you, Mr. Charlie.

I think I'll make it.

I think so.

Boy, I wish I got my head stuck in the fence.

Me too.

He's holding her hand in everything.

There you are.

Yay!

Mama, he got me out.

He did.

Well, thank you very much.

It's all a day's work, ma'am.

Mama, this is my teacher, Mr. Turley.

Oh, how do you do?

Why, Mrs. Harper, how nice to see you.

Oh, wait, it isn't Harper anymore.

It's Mrs. Douglas.

Well, Barbara to you, Mike.

Well, it's been so long since you were a student of mine.

Yes, it is.

And a favorite student of that.

Thank you.

That goes double for me, Mrs. Harper.

Oh, Douglas.

You know, I just can't believe you're teaching my daughter.

And that's quite a little girl you have there, too.

First her head gets stuck, then
her mother knows Mr. Turley.

Yeah, some people have all the luck.

Well, I don't think it's fair.

Oh, I'd love to have you come over for dinner.

How about tomorrow night?

Well, that sounds fine.

I'd enjoy it.

Good.

Is it okay if I walk back to class with my friends?

Yes, you go ahead.

Your mother and I have a lot to talk about.

Guess who's coming over to my house for dinner?

Maybe you guys can come and
look in the window and watch us eat.

I think I'll eat by him.

With perfume on and a fancy dress.

I wish I could look fancier than this.

Well, she looks just fine, doesn't she, dear?

Well, you look just beautiful, Dodie.

Thanks, Daddy.

So do you.

When's he going to be here?

Very soon.

I think I better check things in the kitchen.

Okay.

I better check the dining room.

Hello.

Hello.

This is Mr. Douglas.

Oh, hello there, Margaret.

You want to speak to Dodie?

Oh, you're not speaking to her.

Well, no, Margaret, Mr. Charley isn't here yet.

Yes, we're having steak for dinner.

And we're eating in the dining room, that's right.

Just a minute.

Yes, there are flowers on the table.

Daddy sits there.

Daddy sits there.

Mr. Charley sits here.

But who sits the chair for?

How does it look, honey?

Neat.

Who sits the chair for?

He's here!

Well, Margaret, I think Mr. Charley's
here now, so I'm going to have to...

No, I'm sorry, Margaret, I can't leave the phone off.

Goodbye.

Wait!

Will you guys tell me if I look all right again?

Honey?

Honey, you look just perfect.

Honey, you look absolutely perfect.

Okay, okay, let's open up the door.

Hello, Mike.

Good evening.

My husband, Steve.

Mr. Douglas.

Hello, Mike.

Barbara.

Oh, hello, Dodie.

I'd like you all to meet my fiancée, Ann Carter.

Hello, Ann.

Steve, I have to tell you about the
first time your wife walked into my life.

Walked through the door, and
I fell for her like a ton of bricks.

Instantly and completely.

The same thing happened when I first met her, Mike.

Pleasant conversation, huh, Mom?

Mm, indeed it is.

Oh, and I don't stop.

I'll get it.

Thanks, son.

Now, Steve, I really think it was
the worst crush I ever had in my life.

I think it was the worst crush I ever had in my life.

I think it lasted for weeks.

Well, I certainly hope your attention
span is a little longer with me.

Now, don't you worry about a thing.

You've got me hooked, and you know it.

Dodie, it's for you.

Okay, excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Margaret.

I thought you weren't talking to me.

Well, we decided to talk to you again.

Susan's staying all night.

Ask her about Mr. Jones.

Hey, Charley, you brought a girlfriend,
and he kissed her right at the table.

What'd you say? What'd you say?

I better not tell you, Susan.

Is it horrible?

Yeah.

Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

He brought a girlfriend and kissed her at the table.

Margaret, are you still there?

I think I'm going to croak.

Susan's going to croak.

Don't tell her it isn't such a big deal, Margaret.

Dodie, Mom wants you back at the table.

You mean Mr. Charley's girlfriend's
right there and you're not getting sick?

Uh-uh. Listen, I've got to get off, Margaret. Bye.

Did you see the way he slobbed his custard?

Yeah. Just like a human being.

Yeah.

I'm sure she took it hard,
Steve. She was so quiet at dinner.

Yeah. Well, I think if we make
enough sense, we can pull her out of it.

Okay.

She's asleep.

Yeah.

I'm just faking.

Oh. Well, Dodie, your mommy
and I thought maybe you'd like to talk.

Yeah, I do.

Honey, first of all, I'm sorry I didn't tell you that
Mr. Charley was going to bring his friend Ann, but...

That's okay, Mama.

You, uh, remember what I told you about crushes?

Yeah.

We've all been through them, and we all get over them.

Yeah, I remember that.

Now, can you get a good night's sleep?

Nope.

Well, of course, it's very hard to forget about a crush.

No, it isn't. I'm already sort of tired of Mr. Charley.

Honey, is there something else bothering you?

Yep. Ronald Borden.

Ronald Borden?

Ronald Borden. He's the boy that's going to kiss
all the girls in the A2 class. Isn't that right, Dodie?

Yep.

Well, Dodie, do you want me to
go to school and talk to Ronald?

Man, Daddy, heck no!

You see, it works this way, Steve.

Suppose Ronald Borden walked
down the hall and kissed all the girls.

Yeah. And suppose he kissed everybody but me.

Well, Dodie, uh...