12x01 - The Advent of Fergus

[bunniefuu]

Hi.

Welcome to our show.

Oh,

they're all fine, Tom.

Yours?

Oh, fine.

How about Robbie?

He's still down in Peru?

Yeah, he's still down there.

He's going to be there in a while.

But it was a great opportunity for him.

Of course, he's in a remote part of the
jungle and he wasn't able to take his

family with him, but Katie and the boys
have moved in with us.

What?

The triplets?

Janet, could you hold the call, please?

Okay.

Yeah, the triplets.

Of course, it's a little noisier than it
was, but we love it.

Oh, no matter how many times I check the
pockets, something always turns pink.

Me too.

I remember the boys wore nothing but pink
diapers when they were little.

Hey, you guys.

Honey, ladies don't say, hey, you guys.

Okay, anyway, Daddy's home and he's talking funny.

And he won't come in.

Steve, what in the world are you dressed like that?

Hi, Dad.

Oh, you're not Steve.

I didn't say I was.

I don't believe it.

Would you kindly remove the bearings?

The wheel lads, would you kindly remove them?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Come on, lovey.

Come on.

Come on, Steve.

Come on, Steve.

Come on, go on.

Well, you must be Steve's cousin from Scotland.

Aye, I am so.

The Laird Fergus McBain Douglas.

And you'd be?

I'm Mrs. Douglas, Steve's wife, Barbara.

And the young woman?

Oh, I'm Mrs. Douglas, too, Katie.

And the bearings?

The what?

Oh, yes, that's Charlie and Stevie and Robbie II.

They're fathers in South America.

Come on, boys, let's go see them.

And the wee Lassie?

That's Dorothy.

We call her Dodie for short.

Does he think I'm a dog, Mama?

No, honey, Lassie means little girl.

Oh, I don't know what I'm thinking about.

Mr. Douglas, won't you come in, please?

Come in, I'm sorry.

You must be exhausted.

No.

Oh?

Well, it is a bonny house you have here.

Oh, thanks.

And, uh, where would my room be?

Your room?

Aye.

Yeah, John.

Oh, if it's urgent, put her on.

Yeah, Barbara.

Honey, I know you're busy, but I'm really up a tree.

Oh?

Uh, what's happened?

Well, a man came to the door a little while ago
who looks so much like you that he's just frightening.

Uh.

Tell me, uh, does he have a Scottish accent?

Well, you can cut it with a knife.

Well, it sounds like it might be Fergus.

It is.

Direct from Scotland.

Does, uh, does Laird mean Lord?

Yeah, it's just about the same thing.

Steve, I just can't get over how much he
looks like you and how much you look like him.

Yeah, I know people say that.

I just don't see it.

Is it?

Well, anyway, honey, uh, make him comfortable, hmm?

Oh, well, he insists on it.

He insists on what?

He asked which was his room.

Oh.

Well, it's the least we can do, honey.

After all, when we were in Scotland a few
years ago, he put up the whole family.

Wait a minute, Steve.

Yeah?

Where am I going to put him?

Well, let's see.

Honey, you'd better put him in with Charley.

Now, look, I've got to go now.

I'm awfully busy, and as a matter of fact,
I won't be able to get home to dinner.

Okay.

Steve.

I'm sorry, but something tells me there's
going to be an emergency.

There's an expl*si*n around here.

An expl*si*n?

Charley hasn't met him yet, and somehow
I'm just not looking forward to a Charley

O 'Casey living in the same room with Laird Fergus Douglas.

Twelve cents for three measly little carrots.

The guy should have had a g*n.

Why don't you find a vegetable garden?

I tried that, and the minute the junk you plant
gets ripe, the same stuff at the market gets cheap.

Now, where's everybody?

Well, the boys are taking a nap, and the bigger
kids are in school, and Barb's looking for a cot.

What's he want a cot for?

We have a guest.

Look at that.

We grow on just here in California, right?

Then how come they cost $90 a dozen?

Wait till you meet our guest.

I hope he don't eat much.

Say, how much chances are you putting these things away?

Sure.

Uncle Charley, you won't believe your eyes
when you see him.

Who?

Our guest.

Hi, Charley.

Hey.

You know what they want for three mangy little carrots?



We have a guest.

Well, that's all I've been hearing since I got home.

Guests are your problems.

Hey, Steve.

What are you doing home?

Ain't you got a secretary to do that work?

Hey, Steve.

Have you no eyes in your head, man?

I know, Steven.

How did you get your voice right?

I'm Fergus McBain, Douglas.

By golly, you're right.

You're not Steve.

Steve wouldn't be caught dead in an outfit like that.

And who are you?

O'Casey.

Charley O'Casey.

Irish?

I ain't Zorba the Greek.

Well, I see you two have met.

Charley, this is Steve's cousin from Scotland.

Swell.

He's going to be bunking with you for a few days.

And bless this house, and the food, and
the kin that we look to you for guidance.

Amen.

Amen.

I'll see to the roast now.

Oh.

This knife will not... It's like a porridge.

Now, listen, Alice.

I'll try.

All right.

Give it to me.

I'll sharpen it again.

Well, I'm sorry Steve isn't home.

Mr. Douglas, but he's on a very important project.

As Stephen's wife, you have the right to
call me by my given name, Fergus.

Fergus?

Uh, it sounds very, uh, Scottish.

Aye.

You also have the same right, young lady.

Oh.

Oh, thank you.

Fergus?

Children do not have the same right,
nor do they speak at the table.

Oh, well, in our house they have that
right, Mr. Douglas, uh, Fergus.

I mean, as long as they're not rude or, uh, but in.

Here you are, you're layered, Chip.

If it ain't sharp enough, there's always a straight razor.

Thank you.

Um, how long are you going to be in America?

Uh, Miss, um, Fergus.

I'm here on a mission.

When that mission is accomplished,
I'll return to Scythian Bridge.

Uh, are you the Laird of the whole works, Mr. Douglas?

Aye.

From the Tulloch on the north to the
Strathane on the south.

Uh-uh.

You're gonna start partaking of your food
until the hostess has been served.

Man, Mama, I don't know what he's talking
about most of the time.

That makes two of us.

I, uh, I think, Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas means that none of

you eat until I've been served,
and I think it's a lovely idea.

Remember her food?

May now eat.

Well, thanks.

Say, I've been breathing all day without your permission.

Did I do wrong?

Quit all at once.

The Muppet Show, coming up next, here on Odyssey.

Oh, hi, honey.

Hi, sweetheart.

This isn't that very flattering, but you look tired.

I am tired.

Well, tell me, uh, where's Fergus?

Well, he went to bed early.

Oh, Steve, we have a problem.

Yeah, I gathered that in the phone calls.

Charley and Fergus still locking horns?

We started off at a low pitch,
and we went steadily downhill from there.

Well, I'll talk to them first thing in the morning.

Did I, uh, kiss you when I came home?

No, I kissed you.

Why?

Well, I just figured a lady with a
teenager in the house, plus a little girl,

plus three little boys, plus a young mother with an
absent husband, plus Charley and Fergus deserves a kiss.

Ooh.

He forgot the lion.

The lion?

Mm-hmm.

What lion?

Well, that's what Dodie's been calling tr*mp all week.

Oh.

That's for the lion.

Good morning, Charley.

Ah, good morning.

Good morning, Charley.

Good morning.

Charley, where's Fergus?

Oh, he got up at dawn to feed the sheep or something.

Charley, where is Fergus?

How do I know?

Like I told you, he got up early and nearly
wrecked my back crawling over the cot.

I think he went out to look over the ancestral estate.

Did he say anything about the mission?

No.

I suppose you're too late for anything but
coffee, as usual.

Just coffee.

I'll get it.

Charley, I understand you haven't been
exactly hospitable to Fergus, right?

Who's got the big mouth around here?

I have.

I was just being factual.

After all, Steve has got to know the facts.

I know Fergus must be a difficult man,
Charley, but so are you.

Me?

I'm the soul of tact.

You know that, Steve.

Oh, sure, sure.

But just the same, Charley.

I think, uh, I think tonight you'd better
sleep in Ernie's room.

Yeah.

While that Scotch Dirt Farmer sleeps in my bed?

Well, all right.

Then, uh, Fergus can sleep in Ernie's
room, and Ernie can sleep with you.

Well, thanks a lot.

Ernie whistles in his sleep.

Well, do you have any other suggestions?

Yeah, but you wouldn't like him.

Charley, you're acting like you're going to sleep with me.

You're like an old delinquent.

Now, Fergus is our guest, and I will not
have any more wrangling.

You must be starved, Mr. Douglas.

I put sugar in your coffee, and they
finally got some non-dairy cream.

Oh, I'll take it in my office.

I'll have him call you right back, Mr. Strother.

Well?

No.

But I finally got a sandwich into him.

Fine.

Janet, would you type up this letter to
Tri-Space, original and one, and get it off right away.

Yes, sir.

I hope... How did you get out here?

I mean, did you come through that door?

Well, yeah.

Why?

It's my cousin from Scotland.

Oh, thank goodness.

I thought for a minute there I was losing my mind.

I never saw such a duplicate.

You know, a lot of people say that,
but personally, I just don't see it.

He has such a weak chin.

Ah, Stephen.

Good day to you.

You know, I've been so busy, I thought I'd
never get a chance to see you.

Sit down for a minute.

Thank you.

Well, you finally got to America.

This is your first trip, isn't it?

Aye.

And I must say, you have a charming custom in your country.

Oh?

Yes, the young woman out there addressed
me by name and brought me a morning snack.

We would not do such a thing in Scotland.

We don't do it too often in America.

Tell me, Fergus, what brings you to America?

I mean, is it business or pleasure?

Stephen, I have a problem.

A problem?

Aye.

I did not have an A.

Do you understand what I mean?

Oh, that's right.

You never did marry, did you?

No, no.

And lately I've been very concerned about it.

You see, if I didn't find myself a wife,
Douglas Lyne and Cydian Bridge is doomed.

As I remember, there were plenty of Bonnie
Lassies when we were there.

Aye, they're all picked over at Cydian Bridge.

There's no less for the culls and the uggers.

Well, how about Edinburgh?

Glasgow?

They're filled with Campbells and McTavishes and the like.

We cannot Sully the Douglas Lyne with such.

Well, Fergus, America is filled with people of mixed blood.

I mean, when you get married here,
your wife is liable to be part French or

part German or with maybe a little Cherokee thrown in.

Aye, but no Campbell or McTavish or McDonald or McPherson.

You see the improvement, Stephen.

I'm afraid I see.

Only the prejudice, Fergus.

Ah, you've been away from the homeland too long.

At any rate, what suggestions have you?

Suggestions?

Aye.

Surely you must know of some suitable Lasses who
wouldn't be averse to being the lady of Scythian Bridge.

Well, now, let me understand.

You want to marry an American girl and
take her back to Scotland as Lady Douglas?

Aye.

But mind you, Stephen, she must be sturdy.

I'll be wanting bairns.

Bairns?

Wee ones.

You cannot have an heir without a bairn.

Well, no, no, I... Excuse me.

Yes, Janet?

Oh, is he at the gate?

Oh, good.

As soon as he gets up here, send him right in, will you?

Fergus, I'm sorry, but...

I know, Stephen, you're busy.

I'll be away the noo.

Will I be seeing you?

Will I be seeing you at supper tonight?

No, I'm afraid I'm going to be late again.

Oh.

Well, I'll inform the family.

You'll not forget about a wait, now, will you?

Oh, sure, Fergus.

Good.

Mind you, Stephen, you'll not only need to have Bernds.

Boy, Bernds.

Mr.

Douglas would like you to go right in.

Fine.

Thank you, Janet.

No.

No?

No.

Come right in, Tom.

Young woman, what age have you?

What?

How old would you be?



Um, 29.

Uh, be you wed?

Wed?

No.

Uh, what's that ring on your finger?

I'm engaged.

Aye.

You're no doula, see?

Vacation at Disney's California Adventure.

Vacation at Disney's California Adventure.

Vacation at Disney's California Adventure.

Vacation at Disney's California Adventure.

Vacation at Disney's California Adventure.

Vacation at Disney's California Adventure.

Funny, but I feel so sorry for him.

I don't know, when Steve told me that he was looking
for a bride in that stolid, practical way, he almost cried.

He doesn't make me cry.

Charley, what is it?

I'm going to put some lumps on somebody's head, that's all.

Now relax.

Oh, Charley!

What happened?

Well, listen, that Bonnie Prince nothing came down
the stairs just now while we were playing showtime.

Oh, what did he do?

He started looking Dorothy over like she
was a prized hen or something.

And now he's asking her personal questions.

I'm going to lump him up pretty good.

Charley, come on now.

Oh, don't be childish.

What would you do if one of the children tried to
hit somebody over the head with a baseball bat?

I'd tell them to use an overlapping grip.

What difference would that make, Mr. Douglas?

I'm no Stephen if that's what's bothering you.

I didn't think you were when Charlie called you fungus.

Pergus, will you now answer my question, lass?

Well, I'm Scotch, Irish, and Italian, I guess.

The Scottish name, do you recall it?

McPherson.

McPherson?

I'm afraid you'll know do.

She'll know do.

I won't do for what?

What did he ask you?

He asked me how old I was, if I was married, how many boys
there are in my family, and finally, what my ancestry was.

Dorothy, he's looking for a wife.

And what makes him think he can walk in here
and take my girl right out from under my nose?

Because he's about as emotional as a computer.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll try not to show it for your sake and
Dad's, but I don't like Fergus McBain Douglas.

That goes double.

He not only tried to steal my girl,
he wrecked Chopin for the evening.

I'll help you pack, honey.

Here.

Hey, honey.

Here.

I feel sorry for him, Steve.

Oh.

I mean, a man whose face doesn't show his
emotions is a misunderstood man.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, it's not going to be easy finding him a wife.

I know.

You're just going to have to talk to him, honey.

Honey.

Honey.

Honey.

Barbara?

Katie.

I was really wrong about something.

Wrong about what?

Well, I stayed up to watch some TV, and I...

I'm going to take a look.

I'm not going to believe.

Great.

What?

What?

Where are you going?

Here we go.

Here we go.

Tell me fast.

Faster.

Faster.

That's a lead.

There we go.

Oh.

Oh, Katie.

Barbara.

Well, uh, the, uh, the Behrens were, uh,
having a little trouble sleeping, and I, uh.

...

Oh, my.

Can you imagine?

Three Behrens.

All named Douglas.

Imagine that.

Well, good night.

And so are all his friends, Richie, Foxy, Ralph.

Even Arnold.

And Al.

Whoa.

So find your couch and now sit on it.

Happy days.

Tonight at 6, here on Odyssey.

We'll be right back.

We'll be right back.