12x10 - Behind Closed Doors

[bunniefuu]

Ahh! Oh, no, no!

Ahh!

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

Today we're
at the vanderbilt market

Trying to find a woman who will
pretend to be our girlfriend

In front of an actress
who's pretending to be our mom.

If that's not hard enough,

The other guys will
be telling our fake mom

To say really embarrassing
things

To trip up our fake girlfriends.

At the end, our "mom"
will ask us and our "girlfriend"

If we want to go see
"hamilton" tonight!

If they don't say yes,
you lose.

It's really very simple,
this whole thing.

Q, there ain't no women here.

You gotta go for a guy, okay?

Hey, guys.
Uh, I don't mean to interrupt.

Just a quick question.

Would it be crazy
if one of you pretended

To be my boyfriend
for a 10-minute conversation

With my mother?

She just thinks she's meeting
my boyfriend today,

And he and I
broke up yesterday.

So if I get anybody
that could just pretend

To be kind of g*y
for five minutes with me.

Alright.
You'll do it?

What's your name?
Frank.

Frank?
Alright,
here comes your mom.

Mom!
Hey!

So, you may recognize
the woman

Who's playing our mother
today.

We met her when we played
medical students.

She made us laugh so much
in murray's turn,

We invited her back
to work on our side now.

This is frank.
Finally.

How are you?
I'm good. Frank.

Oh!
Good to meet you finally.

Have a seat.

"he tells me we both share
the same opinions on feminism."

So, I hear we share
the same thoughts on feminism.

Yes.

Speechless.

What are your thoughts?

I think women are great.

Well, obviously not for us.

Look, he's so uncomfortable.

Frank is so uncomfortable.

You seem very lovely.

Thank you.

"but why are you wearing
a ring?"

Why are you wearing a ring?
Did I see a ring earlier?

No, I don't --
no, I'm wearing --

Let me see.

Oh. Oh, yeah.
That ring, yeah.

Alright, we got --
we got married.

What the...
We got married.

We got married.
..., brian?

Are you serious right now?
Okay, we got married.

Where'd you get
married?

Um...

Did you forget?

Frank is up!

It was in, uh,
new -- new jersey. Yeah.

Now you know
we're married, okay?

"okay, well, fine.
You guys are married.

I'll move --
I'll be happy for you.

You have to join me
at 'hamilton' tonight."

I want to take you
to "hamilton" tonight

Because I got tickets.

I mean,
you love "hamilton."

You're coming, right?
I love "hamilton."
sure, yeah.

Yeah.
But I've got
the mets tickets.

Make your choice --
mets or mom?

Frank is

I mean, can we -- can we do --

Can we do the "hamilton"
another night maybe?

Well, I got the tickets
for tonight.

Can you do mets
another night?

I just recently saw
"hamilton," too,

A few days ago.

You lost, buddy.

Here we go, sal.

I'm a little nervous.
Oh, yeah, no worries.

Thank you so much.

Here she is, sal.
There she is.

Oh, I love this woman.

Hi. Nice to meet you.
Hello!

I'm so excited
to meet you.

Oh, thank you!

"oh, my god, I almost forgot.
These are for you."

Oh!

I almost forgot.

Give her the bag.

"my son said you go nuts
for eggs."

My son said you go crazy
for eggs,

And he loves my deviled egg.

Oh, my gosh.
Thank you so much.

"try it.
Try it. Try it."
thank you.
That's so nice of you.

Go ahead and try it.
Go ahead.

Oh, you don't --

Yeah. Yeah.

She's trying a deviled egg!

Oh, my goodness.
Thank you. I'm so sorry.

I mean, um, thank you.
No, no, thank you.

They're good, yeah.

Thank you so much.

Oh, my god, dude.
This woman.

They're so good.

"so, jessica, I understand
you're a fur trapper."

Okay, so, a fur trapper.

Like, are you k*lling animals
to get their fur?

Is that
what fur trapping is?

It is. It is.
But it's done --
oh, my gosh.

It's done --
it's done the right way.

"what's your favorite animal
to slaughter?"

Well, do you have, like,
a favorite animal that you...

k*ll?

It must be
you get more money

For some than others?

She's on the edge, sal.
She's on the edge.

I know someone that ain't
going to "hamilton" tonight.

"I'm sorry I couldn't meet up
with you earlier."

I'm sorry I couldn't meet up
with you earlier.

"he told me
that you were blowing chunks

Out of both holes."

He told me you got sick

And were blowing chunks
of both holes.

So, both ends?

Okay.
No, that makes sense.
Oh, wait.
Are you leaving?

That's her getting
out of the situation.

She's bailing!
Are you coming with us
tonight?

We don't have to go
to "hamilton."

Alright. I'll see you ton--
I'll see you. I love you.

Nice try, sucker.

You couldn't even get to
the "hamilton" invite.

Edward, I'm not sure if she's
the right person for you.

Excuse me.
This is a crazy question.

My -- my mom
is about to arrive and --

I'm sorry.
No speak english.

Oh, you don't speak english?
Oh, okay.
No. Spanish.

That's okay.

I'm sorry.
Yeah.

Okay, okay.
In english.

Okay. Uh...

Can you pretend
to be my girlfriend

For five minutes,
question mark?

I'll translate.

Oh, my god!
Wow.

My name is marta.
Marta? James.

You're amazing.
Increíble. Increíble.

She's ready to go to bat
for you, buddy.

Here she is. Here she is.

"so, we finally meet.
It's about time."

We finally meet!
Hi.

This is marta!
Hello. How are you?

It's about time!

So, when you want to speak
to marta,

You'll speak here,
and it'll translate for marta.

Tell her to call you mom.

Can she call me "mom"?

Ohh...

Okay, mom.

God, this girl is a gift.

Hey, mom.
Hey, this is my --
this is my marta.

"oh, how sweet. What made you
fall in love with my son?"

What made you fall
in love with my son?

Wow.
There you go.

I can't wait
to see this bullshit.

So, she says that,
"james is a charming man.

He's tender,
he's very hard-working,

And he really loves me."

I do. I do.
She's the best.

"you are so lucky."

We have to turn
the screws right now.

This is too much.
Yeah, we gotta turn it up.

She's perfecto, mama.

"the bald isn't a problem?"

"the bald thing
isn't a problem?"

Okay, uh, me being bald?

No!
Yeah. Exactly. Right.

No. She loves my bald.
She loves my bald.

She loves it.

Oh, look, she's taking
the phone from him.

She says, "mom,
his way of being, his feelings

Is what really made me
fall in love with him."

She doesn't see my bald.
She sees me.

This woman.

He hit a needle
in a haystack with this.

Yeah. Yeah.

That's --
that's beautiful.

"that is so lovely to hear.

You with crypto?"

So, that's really lovely.

Do you with crypto?

Uh...

Do you with crypto?

No? No, marta doesn't
with crypto.

"let's see that
incredibly long tongue

I've heard so much about."

So, let's see
the long tongue

James bragged about.

Uh, uh, I-I-I-I --

Uh-oh. Oh, oh, oh...

Oh! Oh!

So, let's see the long tongue
james bragged about.

That my son...
I told -- yeah.

Uh, uh...

Uh-oh.
Oh, oh, oh...

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Kiss her! Kiss her!
What are you doing?

Are you out of your mind?!
What are you doing?
Kiss her!

What are you doing?

The public, no...

Yeah, not in public. No.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She has to get going,

But did you have anything
you want to ask her?

I have tickets for "hamilton."
can you go?

No...
Please, yes?

Yes, yes, yes, tonight.

For tonight.

You found the woman...
I mean, that was --

...And she still won't go
to "hamilton."

Thank you.
You're amazing.

Increíble. Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

She was gonna kiss him.

She was going to kiss him.

Murr, q, and sal
had commitment issues,

So they're all up
on the loser board.

Today we're in the park
asking people

If they can film us
giving a eulogy

For our recently deceased pet.

But much worse than
our fake pets dying

Is the fact
that our "touching tributes"

Actually have been written
by the other guys.

If the person
filming you tells you

That your eulogy
still needs some work, you lose.

Yeah, I'll video --
I'll video it. I'll send you it.

Love you, too. Bye.

Excuse me.

She's just trying
to read her book.

I just lost my pet.

Just gotta record a video
to send to my family member.

Would you -- would you mind
just using my phone

To record me for 30 seconds?

I just wrote
a little something.

Sal, reach into
your pocket, bud.

Uh...
Now?

Uh, I see what I have to do
here now.

Yeah, you got it.

Okay.

Yeah. This is important
for your eulogy, buddy.

It'll make sense
in a second.

Raphael w--

Raphael was my pet turtle.

I kept him in a glass tank
by the window.

He liked the sun
and didn't mind being held.

I used to feed him
little bits of lettuce by hand.

Tragically, he died
last Thursday from a --

From a what?

A throwing star
to the neck.

I had begun his training.

I threw the star,
and he didn't move at all.

He didn't even try.

She's laughing at you.

I'd shown him that block
a thousand times.

He knew it.
I know he knew it.

I don't understand
what happened.

Was he tired?
Did I push him too hard?
She's cracking up, sal.

Was he suicidal?

He seemed happy
right up until the point

I felt his arterial blood spray
across my face.

Maybe he froze.
You know, maybe he froze.

Maybe he gave up.
I'll never know.

Rest in peace, raph.

This is the third turtle
I've lost.

he's k*lled them all,

The teenage mutant
ninja turtles.

There's only one left.

Leo, donnie...

All gone.

Only mike's left.

Hopefully mikey figures it out

'cause otherwise I'm starting
to think turtles c--

I'm starting to think
turtles can't do martial arts.

She's laughing.

The two of you
are laughing.

They were my turtles,
but I named them

After the ninja turtles.

"I tried."

I tried.

You got a little mask
for the urn.

He'll always be
my hero in a half shell.

I'll keep trying,
but that's three, three down.

I got michelangelo left.

Okay.

I'll try not to.
He should be okay

With the nunchucks.

But thank you so much.

I appreciate it.
Thank you.

The speech I had to say --

You think it's okay
to post that online

Or send it to my family?

Of course!
She cares about the turtles.

Bye.
Cowabunga, dude.

Yeah, I just -- I gotta --
I gotta do the eulogy

For, uh --
for the social media stuff.

No. I'm sad.
I am sad, but, you know...

Bye.

Excuse me.

Would you mind taking --
holding the camera

For a 30-second video?

My pet passed away.
I'm just making a video.

oh. Thank you.

Okay, what up and god bless
to all my havanese heads.

It's a beautiful day
in union square

To re-release the a-a-ashes
of frederico --

Oh --
the handsome hound...

That just came out.

...Back to the ear-ear-earth.

The doctor showed me
the tumor that took him out,

And it was the size of my fist.

Cray-cray!

If you want to see
the t-t-t-tumor,

Click the link in my bio.

Sale alert -- frederico's
collars are up for sale,

As well as a jar
of his final breaths.

Use the promo code "tumor."

So let's spread these ashes
and then spread some love

At brew's nasty bar and grill
from 6:00 to 7:00.

Open bar for anyone
that wants to give your best

Havanese "ow-ow-ow-ow-oow!"
at the door.

Whoop, whoop.
I'm hella sad.

Great.
Thank you so much.

He was a good dog.
My subscribers are gonna --

A lot of people
are gonna smash

That like button 'cause of this.

Being an influencer is so hard.

People don't realize
the emotions that go into it.

"being a 'on the backside
of middle age' influencer.

For my pet. I'm at the --

I'm at the threshold
of senior citizenship."

"my next pet is my last pet."

It's only 'cause, like,
I'm on the edge

Of actually being
a senior citizen.

Probably got one more pet in me
before I die.

So I'm just trying to get people

To smash that like button
as much as possible.

So, I'm just gonna upload it.

Are you sure it's good to --
you feel alright?

Alright.
Thank you so much.

Good job, buddy.
You won.

"doot, doot."

Make the noise
with your mouth,

The upload "doo-doo-doo."

Brrb!

Someone smashed "like."

Alright, murr.

Production just ran over.
My six urns?

Yeah, you have more than one
pet that passed away, my friend.

There was a m*ssacre
at your house.

Excuse me.
I'm sorry to interrupt, buddy.

Do you mind recording a
quick video for me on my phone?

Is that okay?
Yeah, sure.

Um, my pets died,

So I'm just gonna just record
the eulogy for --

One second, let me --
Alright, here we go.

Okay. Okay.

Thank you, buddy.
I appreciate you.

the apartment feels

So empty without you guys.

I miss your little kisses,

The sounds of scurrying
behind the walls.

If only people weren't
so musophobic.

I promise you,
I will get my revenge,

And the landlord
will never see it coming.

Goodbye, remy, willard,

Ben, rizzo, templeton,
and splinter.

Famous rats.

My apartment building
had rats.

They were living in the walls.

They were my pets.

And the landlord
apparently was musophobic,

Which is the fear of rats.

Do you want to know
how I'm gonna get my revenge?

"you want to be implicated?"

Do you want to be implicated?
I'll tell you.

The plan's all done.

"I have a human-sized rat trap."

I built
a human-sized rat trap.

It's like a "saw" movie.

The landlord
is gonna wake up in a room.

He won't know
how he got there.

It's a human-sized rat cage.

I have a --
I have a 60-pound wheel

Of parmigiano-reggiano cheese.

He's gonna take the bait.

He's gonna get caught
in the trap.

Cage will fall. Boom!

I'm gonna k*ll my landlord.

The landlord
is gonna wake up in a room.

He's gonna take the bait.

He's gonna get caught
in the trap.

Cage will fall. Boom!

I'm gonna k*ll my landlord.

"it's okay to send?"

Video's okay to send?

Video's okay to send.
Great. Got it.

Sal lost his turtle power

And is tonight's big loser.

Alright, sal has lost,

So today we're at my
favorite place on the planet,


and escape rooms,

For your punishment.

And you hate haunted houses.

Yes, I hate them.

And we told you
to bring your cable bill today

'cause we're gonna have
you cancel your own cable.

Yeah. Ridiculous, yes.

But what we didn't tell you...

Is that you've got to walk
through the haunted house

While trying to cancel
your cable.

Good luck.
Ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh!

"I need to cancel it."

Ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh!

Representative.

Are you ready?
Yeah.

You gotta go through the door.

go through the door.

There you go, pal.

Q and I got dressed up
for the occasion.

Yeah.

I mean, let's do this.

Let's do this.
Let's do this.

Come on in!

Oh

You're gonna watch
a grown man sh*t his pants.

Alright, buddy, we're gonna
connect the call right now.

I'm grandfathered into a deal.

Not anymore.
You're gonna lose
that rate.

I've had the same cable
for, like, 15 years.

Welcome to business.

Ohh! Yes!
Oh, yeah!

Start walking, b*tch.

I-I might swing
on somebody.

No, not you.
You can't talk

While the operator's talking.
Sorry.

You wanted to talk
to a representative.

Is that right?
Yes.

Okay.
Current hold time

Is between 12 and 17 minutes
from now.

Guys, it's 12 and 17 minutes.

They're gonna keep you
on hold for an hour.

I see you, b*tch.

I'm looking right at you, b*tch!

you son of a --
you

I'll

Put these all up.

I see you! I see you!

I'm liable to swing on somebody,
just so you know.

I can't --
my heart can't take this.

What's your heart rate?



Ahh! You

you.
Welcome to hell, buddy boy.

Did he call him "big boy"?

you people.

you!

I swear to god.
I swear to god.



I can't do it.
I can't do it, guys.

Sal, you're gonna have to
talk to a human

And cancel cable soon.

Ahh! I know. you.

Ah, you, you.
I see you.

Ahh!
Here, sal!

You know my name?
you!

I see you.

Ahhhhhh!

You b*tch.

He's 10 years older
than the last time we did this.

I know. I know.
And he's worse.

Please remain
on the line for the next

Available customer-service
representative.

I can't do this.

To schedule a callback
for a later time...

Ahh, you --

Ahh!

I will --
I will knock you out.

I will knock you
the out.

I will
knock you the out.

I'll knock you the out.

I will you up, man.

I feel like
I'm gonna pass out, bro.

Thank you for calling

We're now offering
a new mobile line...
Oh, he's in!

Starting at just $10 a line.
My name is dylan.

Who do I have the pleasure
of speaking with today?

Yes. Hi.
My name is sal vulcano.

I want to cancel my cable.
Okay.

Just so you know --
this is gonna sound weird --

I'm canceling my cable
right now,

But I am in a haunted house.

Okay.
This is the only time
that worked for me.

So if you hear me scream
or if you hear anything go by,

I'm not messing with you.

I'm here to cancel my cable.

Do you have your
account number by chance?



Okay.

Ahh!

I'm sorry, dylan.

Alright, I'm sorry.
Your name for me one more time?

Get out of here, you.

I'm sorry. My name is --
my name is sal vulcano.

Alright, I'm sorry.
Your name for me one more time?

My name is sal vulcano.

Sal vulcano.

ah, you, mother

I'm gonna pass out.
Sorry, dylan. Sorry, dylan.

It's okay.
Stay with me, dylan.
Stay with me, dylan.

It's fine.

sorry, dylan.

It's more like
"blair b*tch project."

geez!

Hey, let's cancel it.
Thanks.

Okay, let's just cancel it.
I'm working through it.

He just laughed.
Okay, what are you
working through, buddy?

Uh, the changes.

I promise you, buddy --

Sir, do you need a call back
at a better time?

No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.

Like, this is gonna take me
a little while.

Oh, it's gonna take
him a little while!

Dude!
Yes!

I'm going through it.

You're going through it?

Yeah, I'm -- I got you.
I'm going through it.

'cause you know what it is?
I'm -- I'm -- I'm --

No! Get the out!

Ahh!

Oh, my god, no.

Dylan, stay with me.
I want to cancel my cable.

I'm going through it.

I know someone's behind here,
so -- ha, ha, ha --

Your scare's gone.

This was an ill timed call,
admittedly.

Dylan...

"you're my best friend."
Yes, sir?

You're my best friend, buddy.

Dylan, can we just cancel,
please, buddy?

Can we just cancel the cable?
I'm repackaging you.

Oh, you're losing
that package, baby.
Oh!

In case of an emergency...

I brought a stun g*n.

So watch your back.
He brought a stun g*n.

Maybe you don't want to get
stunned at work today.

Maybe you don't.

It's stun time, b*tches!

I like being stunned.

Stay away from me, bro.
You are stunning.

They're laughing at him?
yeah.

Dylan!

Yes, sir?
What are you doing, bro?

I'm on the last page here.
Hang on one second.

last page.

Did you hear
I have a stun g*n?

I did.

You hear this?
Dylan, you hear that?

Someone's gonna get
their a*s handed to them.

See if I'm playing games.
I charged this sh*t last night.

We got a little surprise
for sal at the very end.

Alright, and then what day

Do you want the services
turned off?

Right now, right now.

Turn it off right now.

ahh!

3-5.

And you'll have one last bill
for $85.50.

Good job, buddy!
You did it!
Good job, bud!

You did it! You did it!

You canceled your cable!
Yay!

How you doing, bud?

Hulk smash!
Ahh!

Hulk smash!

It's lou ferrigno.
It's lou ferrigno.

Why are you here?

'cause they fly me here.

Lou ferrigno,
the incredible hulk?

Yeah. How are you?
Good.

Good.
It's so nice to meet you.

Thank you.

I'm sorry I scared you.

You scared the
out of me, bro.

Did cancel your cable?
Is dylan still on?

Dylan?
I'm still here.

He's here.