12x14 - Subscribe to Survive

[bunniefuu]

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?!

Who's a good cat?

Today we're
at moxy times square,

Where we'll be working
as bellhops.

While helping people
get settled into their rooms,

We've got to do and say
with the other guys tell us.

And if you refuse
any of that,

You snooze.

Big spoon.

Murr: Alright, sally,
you're up.

Alrighty.
This is what I was telling you.

You guys got a lot of room
in here.

Alright, sal, get them.

sal.

Be --
okay, be funny.

Sal, act weird.

And here we are.
Welcome to my lair.

Okay.

Sal,
see that phone over there?

Just pick it up and just go,
"he's here," and then hang up.

He's here.

"he is not alone."

He's here,
and he's not alone.

"blonde."

Blonde.

Sal, hang up and go,

"will you be needing
any toilet paper this visit?"

Uh, will you guys be needing
any toilet paper this visit?

-Yes.
-Okay.

I'll have them run it up,
the toilet paper.

"uh, may I have permission
to fluff?"

-Yes.
-Okay, permission to fluff?

Get real big with it,
buddy.

Fluff like crazy.

Strangle the pillows.

Buddy, show them
how the tv works, okay?

Then the tv,
just so you know...

But get caught up
in a program.

Let's see here. "h."

Okay, "house hunters,"
you have that.

You know "house hunters"?
-Yes.

Yeah. Yeah.

This is a good one
because they didn't want to --

Basically, if they're
going to leave their place,

They want it open-concept,

But the place that they like
here in this episode is --

Is, um, very compartmentalized,
the house.

So now they have a choice
to make.

You know, basically, you're
weighing the pros and cons

Of what you need
on your wish list,

The way you want to move
versus the pricing.

Woman:It's built in 1960, but
you know I love that, right?

Lots of parking here,
lots of parking.

It's a ranch.

It's a ranch.

"you guys have houses
in germany, right?"

You guys have -- you guys
have house-- houses in germany?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

"you both look
extremely exhausted,

So let me get out of here."

You both
look extremely exhausted, so...

But you should all say
a prayer

For their stay here
in the hotel.

Bring it in.
Put your hand here.

Okay.

Heavenly father,
please bless our new friends,

Uh, from germany.

Uh, please protect them.

Uh, help them have a safe,
wonderful trip here.

"may their bed be true.
May their room not go aflame."

May their bed be true
and their room not go aflame.

And thank you, jesus.
Bless you, jesus.

"our god is the right god.
Amen."

Our god is the right god.
Amen.

"our god is the right god."

Alright, sal,
say goodbye.

Go to the bathroom and close
the door almost all the way.

Thank you guys so much,
and enjoy your stay.

Now, close the door
and keep your head out,

And then I just want you
to say, "ma'am, sir,

You've been the rudest couple
of my entire 12-year career."

No, I'm not doing that.

What do you mean
not doing that?

You got all this way.

It's the last line.

you. I can't.

Ma'am, sir?

He's not going to say it.

no.

Kidding.
Let me bring you the new keys.

You guys enjoy yourself,
okay?

Uh, hug?
Handshake?

I never know
how to do these things.

Get in here,
you son of a b*tch.

Alright, luke,
so this is it.

This is your room, sir.

Murr: "bed's comfortable.

I came in earlier
and tested it.

It's great."

Bed's comfortable, brother.

Uh, I came in earlier myself
and tested it.

I personally --
I gave this --

This bed a dry run for you,
buddy.

"and I can stay in this room
as long as you'd like."

Just so you know, like,

I can stay in this room
as long as you want.

I can chill out with you.

"actually,
you know what?

I can't believe they're renting
this room out after the..."

I'm actually surprised
that they're --

They're renting this one out
already so soon.

"after the, uh..."

After the, um...

"uh, you know what? It's not
a bellhop's place to say."

Uh, you know.

Eh, it's not a bellhop's place
to say, I guess.

"hey, you know,
a little history of this room."

And a little history
of this room for you.

"al capone
through his mistress

Out the window right here."

That window right there
that you're by, al capone,

He chucked his mistress
out of the window right there.

-"he chucked her."
-"he chucked her out."

Yes, yes.

Q, make sure
the pillows are fresh.

Luke, that is -- that is --
that is fresh for you, luke.

That one's fresh, luke,
you're going to do great.

Q, do one long sniff.

That's great. Doing good.

Yeah, they're using
a new detergent here.

In the drawer to your right,
we hid some duct tape.

I want you to open the drawer,
be terrified,

Slam it shut,
and seal it with duct tape.

Alright.
I think you're all set.

Fridge is right there,
my friend.

Aah!

Alright, don't open that.

Tape the whole room.

Right over the tv.
Keep going.

Tape everything.
Do the shower.

Go around. There you go.
Everything.

He does not think
it's funny at all.

This is just an extra layer
of protection for you, luke.

"now, heads-up, there is
a snake loose in the hotel."

Okay,
and just heads-up,

There is a snake loose
in the hotel somewhere.

"well, now, if you'll allow me
a moment alone in the room..."

Now, would you be willing
to allow me...

"a moment alone."

...A moment alone in the room?

"alone things."

Just alone things, luke.

Just alone things.

Okay.

Murr, I want you to,
uh, get their luggage

Off that cart by --
just tip it over, buddy.

Let me just. Watch yours--
watch yourself, love.

Watch yourself.
Just...There we go.

Apologize
that there's only one bed.

I do apologize, uh,
that there's only one bed.

I don't know what
the situation was,

But we can have a-a rollaway
brought up if you'd like.

Show them the room
like it's a rental car.

Make sure they know
there's no damage.

So I do want to show you.

Uh, notice, uh --
if you notice here,

The rear, the back, the front,

Uh, there's no damage
whatsoever to the room.

You know, if you get any dings,
we're going to ding you.

You know what I'm saying?

"now, the concierge can
help you with anything
you might need."

Now, the, uh --
the concierge, by the way,

Can help you with anything
you both need...

"reservations."

...Such as reservations.

"but if you're interested
in exploring

The underbelly
of the town..."

If you are interested
in exploring

The underbelly of the town...

"...I'm your guy there."

...I'm the guy.

I'm, like --
I mean, look at me.

You know, I got a guy
for everything in this town.

You know what I'm saying?
Murray, notice
that the sheets of the bed

Are tucked in and be like,
"oh, god,"

Apologize,
and pull them out.

I am so sorry, by the way.

They -- they always do this,
the housekeeping.

They tuck it in way too tight.

Let me just --
I will loosen that up for you.

-"and..."
-and...

For the toilet.

For the toilet,
something to note.

-"sparkling or still?"

For the toilet, uh,
do you want sparkling or still?

"oh, and what a view."
murr, open the curtains.

Yeah, let me show you, uh --
let me show you the view.

Uh, you do have
a great view of the...

"oh, and what a view."
murr, open the curtains.

Yeah, let me show you, uh --
let me show you the view.

Uh, you do have
a great view of the --

Of the empire state building
right there.

Here, let me get this up.

We fixed the curtains
to make them all fall off

As soon as
he touches them.

Sorry, bud. I'll get --
I'll get it back up.

Every window, bud.
Every window.

But, uh, I don't --

I don't know.

-Blame them for the damage.

"we're going to ding you
for that."

Yeah, we -- we are going to
ding you both

For that damage,
just so you know.

-Five dings.
-It's five dings.

This is -- this was not
like this when you came in.

"ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding."

I mean, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding.

You both got dinged.
I mean that is --

That's not -- that was not like
that when we came in this room.

Murr, pick up the phone.

Just pick up the phone
right now.

Yeah, let me just...

Hey, uh, yeah.

"hey,
cancel the grey goose."

Yeah, so, uh,
could you --

Could you cancel
the grey goose?

-"they're not cool."
-they're not cool.

"also, uh, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding."

And, uh, I mean,
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

So that's --
that's five dings.

Five dings. Make a note.

"oh, and -- and sparkling
water for the toilet."

And did you say still
or sparkling for the toilet?

Still. So there was still
in the toilet, okay?

So j-just remain as is,
yeah.

He's like a tornado
coming in there.

He's like a bull
in a china shop.

"and, guys,
mark my words..."

Oh, and, guys,
mark my words...

"...I can say
with 100% certainty..."

...I can say
with 100% certainty...

"...That your bodies..."

...That your bodies...

"...Will not be in this bed
by the time the morning comes."

...Will not be in this bed
by the time morning comes.

They will not be there.

Murr, point out the hidden
cameras in the room and say,

"if you need anything,
we have cameras in the room.

You just call me."

If you need anything at all,

I just want you to know,
I mean, there are --

There's cameras
everywhere here.

Just wave into one of them,
and I'll be right there.

I'm watching you the whole time,
okay?

"ding."

I mean, that -- ding, ding.
That's on you.

Look into any of the cameras,

Say my name three times,
and I'll -- I'll just appear.

Very much like candyman.

Murr,
try and moonwalk out.

I'm james.

Narrator: Looks like there's
a vacancy on the loser board,

And sal's checking in.

Yay, we got tickets
to a show tonight,

But, aw, sal's eye
is up, so we can't go.

Now we're trying
to give away tickets.

Here's the catch,
though.

It's going to be tough
'cause the events are absurd

As they've been created
by the other guys.

If you can't get someone
to take those tickets, you lose.

Sal: So, murr has not seen
these tickets before.

Hello?
Hi, baby.

Aw, come on.

Are you serious?
I already bought the tickets.

I don't know what to do.
Alright.

Okay, I love you.

My wife just missed her bus
from detroit.

Ooh.

We have tickets to a show
tonight.

Gosh darn it.

So we're not -- she's not
going to make the show.

Do you want these tickets?

Or do you know anybody
that wants the tickets?

They're free.
I can't use them.

It's, um...

"joe rogan does dmt with
a gorilla for science live."

So on stage,
it's on broadway.

Joe rogan does dmt,
the drug, with a gorilla,

So it's going to be wild,
for science live.

You can't miss it.

It's educational.

The -- the --
the odd thing is --

You sure you don't want it?

The odd thing is
joe rogan's in the cage.

The gorilla's free.
It's wild. For science. Live.

I would snag those tickets up
in a heartbeat.

Joe rogan, if you watch
our show, make this possible.

Hello? Ah, come on.

You missed the train again?

I got the tickets.

They're the show
you wanted to see,

And now you missed the train?

It's crazy.

I love you, baby.
I love you, baby.

Say it back. I love you, baby.

Say it. Say it. Say it back.

Say -- say -- say --

She didn't say it back.

Gosh damn it!

My damn wife missed
her train from detroit.

I bought tickets to see
a show tonight with -- for her.

Do you want the tickets
for free?

I can't use them.

I'm not going to the show
without my wife.

The show is, uh,

"unless until who yet or whom
whereas as if how whence?"

Have you heard of it?
-I've never heard of it.

It's -- it's about
a whole bunch of stuff.

-Do you want them?
-No, no.

No, take them.
I can't use him.

They're going to go to waste.
It's tonight.

"it's by the guy who made

'who, what, where, when,
and when, why, and who?'"

It's from the guy that made

"who, what, where, when,
and when, why, and who?"

And "when and why and how
and that and now and because."

Same guy.

The guy loves prepositions.

I'm not going to
the play alone, man.

My wife missed her train
from detroit.

"it's set
in a porta potty."

It's set
in a porta potty.

It's great. It's a great show.

-"you know who wrote it?"
-you know who wrote it?

-"he."
-he.

You don't want it?
Your friends?

Aw.

What show are you seeing?

"call me izzy"?
-Yeah.

What a stupid name.

Murr: Alright, q.

Oh, babe,
I'm waiting for you.

I got the tickets.

Uh-oh.

By the way, this just in --
the absolute fastest

A train can get to new york
from detroit is 19 hours.

so she missed it yesterday.

Babe, why didn't you tell me
yesterday

That you missed the train
from detroit?

I'll just give the tickets away.

Alright, bye.

Say, guys, uh,
my girl just canceled on me,

And I have tickets
to a show tonight.

I'm giving them away.

I don't know
if you're interested.

It's, uh --

We got, uh...

Say, guys, uh,
my girl just canceled on me,

And I have tickets
to a show tonight.

I'm giving them away.

I don't know
if you're interested.

It's, uh -- we got, uh --

Oh, this was
the "titanic vs. Pearl harbor."

And what it was is, uh,

When a werewolf bites
the titanic,

It comes back to life and heads
directly to pearl harbor.

-Oh, wow.
-Yeah.

I love this show.

A werewolf
bites the titanic,

And then the titanic
comes back as a werewolf,

A full moon hits,
it heads to pearl harbor,

Starts -- starts all --
problems all over again.

-Oh, wow.
-And I can't go.

You guys have any interest?

-Yeah.
-Yeah?

-Oh.
-Wait.

-Yeah.
- okay, here you go.

-No.
-Aw, come on.

You found a couple
that had no plans.

Oh, yeah. Have a good night.
Listen to me.

It's going to be --
it's going to be awesome.

Damn it, q.

It's a fine line between
horrible and awesome.

-awesome, yeah.

I mean,
I want to go see that show.

So when the full moon
goes away,

The titanic is leagues
under the sea.

It goes back under.

And this --
this is pearl harbor,

Not soldiers
for the army.

This is, like,
just pearl harbor.

The tour--
yeah.

I got a twist for you.
You ready for this?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

They know
the titanic's coming.

They -- they --
they don't --

Like, all the ships are
museum ships now, right?

Yeah.
So they --
they can't fight back.

So they have to get --

There was
a pearl harbor survivor...

-Okay.
-...Frozen.

Like captain america?

And then they unfreeze me,

And I know how to operate
the old-timey stuff.

So you're in the movie?

I want to be in the movie.
I'm making a pitch for me.

I think this will work.

Man: Titanic will reach
the harbor within the hour.

Johnna: This is why
we put you on ice.

For this exact situation.

We said that ship was
unsinkable,

But they never said
it was unkillable.

Get me all the silver
in hawaii!

I'm king of the world!

yeah, baby.

Yeah!

God damn,
I want to see that movie.

Oh, yeah,
you did win, by the way.

I think we all won.

-Sal.
-Yeah?

You have stand-up shows
this weekend?

I have five tonight.

You're five --
five shows tonight?

You wearing your sunglasses
on stage?

I'm going to have to.

-Why?
-You can't perform like this.

-My god.
-Yeah.

Have any fans asked you
for photos or anything?

Actually,
one did this morning,

And I politely declined.

-You declined?
-Yeah.

How could you do that
to a fan?
Yeah, why?

Because my eye
is -- is --

Is black and blue,
not filled with pus.

I see.

If he loses this,
he loses the episode.
If he loses this,
he loses the episode.

We make him take


Remember what we did
with your tooth?

We got to do it.
-Yeah. Okay.

Hello?

Oh, right. Oh, right.
I forgot we're making a bit.

Yeah, alright,
here we go.

He died?

We had tickets.

I mean, there's no way
he can go, right?

No, he's declared dead
officially? Okay.

"he's declared
dead officially."

Aw, sh**t.

Excuse me.

I have tickets to a show
tonight,

And my friend
can no longer go.

Would you guys want tickets
to a show tonight for free?

Here you go.

It's, uh, "100 years
of nude geriatrics in cinema."

-Oh.
-It's a doc.

And then it says here,
right at the end

It's "followed by a live q&a
with mrbeast."

This is a hot ticket.

I feel bad to go.

Tell him, "it's a great show.
You can trust me,"

Then lower your sunglasses,
and wink.

Well, listen,
if you don't want it --

But I'm telling you,
it is a great show.

I mean, if you want them,
you can have them.

Okay. Okay. No problem.

Good to see you guys.

I thought
she would've went for it.

-I thought so.
-I don't know why I'm surprised.

Hello? Oh, no.

You don't think you're going to
be able to make it?

Fine, gary sinise, but...

Are you on the phone
with gary sinise?

Lieutenant dan?

I am.

Alright. Bye-bye.

Excuse me, guys.

I have tickets to a show tonight
that my friend just canceled on.

I'm not going.
I want to give them away.

The show?

Um, it's "a large snake feeding
over at p.S. 207."

Are you sure?

Okay.

Um, they only do it
once a year.

It's a huge snake.

Okay, okay.

They're feeding it a rabbit,
and there is 3-d.

-Oh.

I'll be here for a couple
minutes if you change your mind.

I was supposed to go with
gary sinise, the actor.

Sal, hold on
one second, buddy.

Hold on, hold on.

We did the math
of the episode, bud.

Don't. Are you going to
hoodwink me right now?

-We-e-e-ll.
-We-e-e-ll.

It seems like you
might've lost the episode.

So do me a favor, buddy.
Take off those sunglasses.

no.

Hey, you remember
when murray's tooth fell out,

And we made him take pictures
with fans in the park?

Let's take a selfie.
One on each side.

-Aw, there he goes.
-Let's take a selfie.

Well, since we figured,
since you lost...
Yeah, yeah.

...We're going to send out
a little tweet right now

To tell any fans
of "impractical jokers"

To come on down
and take a picture with sal.

-That's right, buddy.
-Oh, my god.

Take the sunglasses off.

Don't do this.

Since you lost,

We're going to send out
a little tweet right now

To tell any fans
of "impractical jokers"

To come on down
and take a picture with sal.

-That's right, buddy.
-Oh, my god.

Take the sunglasses off.

-Don't do this.
-Take 100 photos.

We all go home, pal.

And then you can go do
your five spots tonight.

-oh, lord.

Oh, lord, why did I
not see this coming?

Because you can't see
anything.

Yeah.

Alright, sally,
how's that eye?

It's looking bad.

You look like rocky balboa.

"cut the eye, mick.
Cut the eye."

It's not even open.

It's glistening.
That's pinkeye, buddy.

Hey, I got an idea.

Can all our crew
there on the floor

Go around
the entire restaurant

And tell everyone that sal
from "impractical jokers"

Is here taking photos?

"make sure you post that
on social media today."

Yeah, let's take a photo.

Just as long as you, uh,
post it on the --

Internet and you tag me.
-I will. I will.

Here we go, buddy.
Your first selfie.

Make sure that eye is front
and center.

That's it, buddy.

Yeah,
you can take a photo.

I want you to tell him
that you have pinkeye, too.

-How's it going?
-Good.

I just got a little bit
of an infection in my eye.

Yeah,
eye front and center.

"tag me.
Tag the guys."

Make sure you --
make sure you tag me

And post it on social media.
-I got you.

Hi. How are you doing?
Nice to see you guys.

What's up, guys?
Thank you. Thank you.

Let's take a photo, guys.

Oh, sal,
"oh, you have an 'eye-phone'?

Let's take a photo."
- yeah.

Oh, great.
You have an "eye-phone."

Woman: Alright.

-Thank you so much.
-You got it.

Just do me a favor, please.
Post it on the internet...

And tag me.

How you doing?

What's that? Uh, hockey.

Hockey.
-Yeah.

What, are you guys in school?
Are you pupils?

You guys pupils in school?

Yeah.
No, I'm over here from uk.

-Oh, from the uk?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sal: Come on, let's get in here.
Let's do it. Let's do it.

Just make sure you tag me.

Oh, hey.
Hey, oh, a line's forming.

Cool, cool.

Murr: There's a line
of people forming.

How does this feel for you
right now?

-I feel so good.
-Yeah?

Let's get in there.

Woman: Yay.

It's very cornea.

-Oh. Oh.
-It's glistening.

Tell all your friends
I'm here,

And I really want to
take photos.

-Thank you.
-We absolutely love you

In london.
-Thank you.

Let's let everybody
in london know we met.

You know what I love
in london?

The london eye.
- the london eye.

You know what I love in london?
The london eye.

The london eye.

London eye.

alright, yeah.

Post it on social, and tag me.

I'll get right in there.
There you go.

"oh, it's out of focus.
Let's do it again.

Let's -- let's do it again.
Let's do it again."

Let's do another one,
'cause that's out of focus.

As close as possible.

Make sure you post that,
please.

I want everybody to see it.

What goes around
comes around, b*tch.

I hope -- I hope
all of your teeth fall out.

Sal,
you cannot get upset.

It's just an eye-for-an-eye
situation, buddy.

Yeah,

Yeah, let's take a selfie.
Come on.

Make sure you post it
and tag me.

-Definitely.
-Let's take another one.

Let's go.

that's it.
Closer. Closer.

-Alright, alright.
-Great job.