12x15 - Cold Hard FAQs

[bunniefuu]

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

Today we're playing waiters
at the colonial diner.

And we'll be offering
customers

The special of the day.

The catch is,
those strange specials

Have been written
by the other guys.

And if you can't get someone
to order one of them, you lose.

I'll have
what he's having.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!!

too real.

And, now, do I button
this button?

Is this too deep of a "v"
for a waiter?

No, we need ratings.

I wish there was one more button
you could put down.
Yeah.

Can you cut open
another button?

Yeah.
That's it. Wait.

We have live ratings
happening right now.

They're going up.

Hello, guys.
How are you today?

You know, we're doing
some dessert specials.

Yeah.
Let me read you what we have.

Uh, we do have a sorbet,

But the sorbet is wild-caught.

So that's a wild-caught sorbet

And it's
in a vegan-free glob.

Lemon cake? Let me see.

We have a buffalo
ice cream suck-down.

Um, oriental muffin honks
are great.

And then you got
the bumbaclot pudding.

We got
decommissioned christ wafers.

They're decommissioned.
Okay? So they weren't blessed.

Now, if you want
something sweet,

The ice-cold banana nightmare.

And then, of course, is --
now, this is --

This is a cool take
on a dessert.

It's dessert shrimp fingered
beyond recognition.

Sal: Hello, ladies.
How are you today?

We have a couple specials today,
if you want to know those.

Yeah, sure.
Here we go.

Okay, so we have
an unaccompanied dove

And that's with
sea sauce.

Dove?!

Yeah. It's unaccompanied.

We do have
a smart chicken.

Do you know they do
the smart chickens now?

We have smart chicken.
It'll be boiled --

Um, boiled
in its own electrolytes.

It's like an au jus.
Like, um -- like a confit.

And then the admiral's nest.

If you're looking
for chicken,

We have
the admiral's nest special.

That'll be three beaks
served over warm bread.

This one, I --

No one's ordered it today
and I haven't tasted it,

So I don't know,
but it seems interesting.

Gallstone pie
with green cream.

What --
what is green cream?

Which one would
you recommend?

I would tell you --
when they used to have

The dove accompanied,
I loved it.

Now that
it's unaccompanied,

I feel like
it's just left to shine.

Sounds that way.

Dessert --
just so you know later --

We do have a blue...

What kind of dessert
do you have?

We have a blue raspberry
lobster squeezy.

lobster squeezy.

Okay. Okay.

Oh-h*!
Come on, man.

It's got everything
you love --

Lobster, squeezing, blue,
and raspberry.

Listen, no one's
gonna turn down lobster.

Sal: All righty.
Hey, fellas. Hey.

Did anybody come over
and get you guys anything yet?

Okay, you guys know
what you want to drink?

Murr: All right, buddy.
Here we go.

Give me a diet whatever.
Diet whatever.

You got it.

diet whatever.

That was on our menu.

And did anybody give you
the specials today?

Uh, no.
Oh, we got
some good ones today.

We have the hammer-
slammed hen shards,

Uh, for lunch.

That's till 3:00.
So we got time for that.

Uh, that is where they take a
hen and smash it with a hammer.

And then the pieces
that come off,

They fry up,
and then they serve.

So they just --
they just hammer it.

They have the btk,

Where they re-create
every detail

Of the btk k*ller's
final meal.

Murr:

"fellas, it's pot roast."

It's just pot roast.

Uh, we got, um...

Oh, the crab raccoon.

Murr:
crab raccoon.

Yeah. Okay.

So it's like crab rangoon,

But there's a little raccoon
mixed in that.

So that's -- that's
only this week.

Murr: This guy's loving it.

Yeah. Crab raccoon.

Am I sensing a little interest
in the crab raccoon?

Crab raccoon?
Man: That'd be good.

Well, there's more.

Okay. Ocean loaf.

What is ocean loaf?

Yeah,
that's a great question.

It is
the meat loaf of the sea.

And that is basically
everything --

Everything we have left over
from the fish dishes,

We mold them together.
It's an of--

Crush it into a rectangular...

You got it.

You're lucky
if there's any left, actually.

That whole table over there
ordered nothing but ocean loaf.

And then, finally, we got the...

Slow-slaughtered
turkey moms.

Now, that's exactly
as described.

We take mother hens --
mother turkeys,

And we k*ll them slowly.

"they're k*lled slowly
but flash-fried."

They're k*lled slowly,

But flash-fried, so it
locks in the death pheromones.

And that juxtaposition,

It makes for just
the most tasty lunch

You guys are gonna have.

Yeah. In fact, I would go
with that over the ocean loaf.

"'cause when I got here,
she was still dying."

Yeah.
when I got here --

When I got here, the turkey mom
was still being put to death.

Ah.

I could get you out
a free sample

Of the crab raccoon
if you want.

You wanna try it?

Yeah? You're gonna try
some crab raccoon?

A-ha! Ah!
Ohhhh!

Somebody knows
the delicious part.

Murr: Nicely done, buddy.

Uh, my name's james,
by the way.

Uh, before I take your order,

Can I interest you
in some of our specials?

Do you mind if I run
through them real quick?

Okay.
Might as well confuse us.

Yeah.

Oh, you don't even
know the half of it, lady.

The first special we have is,
um,

Captivity-caught salmon,
served bareback.

That's not confusing. Right?

It's captivity-caught salmon,
served bareback.

Okay. Okay.

So there's salmon
on a farm.

It's in captivity.
Yeah.

And it's served bareback.

So there's no protection
on that salmon whatsoever.
Got you.

"you're gonna be
raw-dogging that salmon."

It's a -- it's just
raw-dog salmon

Right there on your plate.
Woman: Yeah, but I'm...

I'm not going there, so...

Yeah, you're not going there?
Okay. You don't want that.

Yeah.
You're not in a salmon mood?
No. Okay.

Okay. We also have, uh --
we have a fish moron on toast.

Have you had fish moron?
No.

Yeah, I mean, there's
one on every menu.

Who figures out these menus?

Okay. And then we also have
italian-irish chicken sloppies.

Italian-irish
chicken sloppies.

I just want to stick with
what we thought we would get.

Oh, my god, ladies!
Yeah.

You have
to try a chicken sloppy.

This isn't looking good
for you, buddy.

Okay, well, let me go through
the desserts, as well.

We have some gaylord perry's
famous wet cheeseness.

Wet cheeseness?

Yeah, wet cheeseness.

You know
what wet cheeseness is?

No.
Cheese-ness?

No.
And you know gaylord perry.

No.
God. Right down on u.S. 1.

He's got that shop.

He's got that shop --
gaylord perry's.
Woman #2: Oh, no. That's okay.

We don't usually
eat dessert anyway.
Yeah.

Okay, so we also have
one other entrée special today.

You have to get this one!

Okay, so we also have one
other entrée special today.

You have to get this one!

Murray,
you're wearing them down.

Promise me that you're gonna
try donnie's dirty chicken,

Which is charred, choked,
and creamed

In a chunky blumpkin gravy,
served with a hot fork.

"served with
a hot fork."

I'm gonna try
the beef reuben.

It's got --
you want a reuben?

You have to try it.
It's served with a hot fork.

It's charred, choked,
and creamed

In a chunky blumpkin gravy,
served with a hot fork.

It's donnie's dirty chicken.

"you've never had
blumpkin gravy with a hot fork?"

Wait a second.

Do you mean to tell me
neither of you

Have ever had blumpkin gravy
served with a hot fork?

You never even heard of it.
You've never heard...

Sal:
"there's also grilled cheese."

Oh, wait.
Oh, we also have grilled cheese.

Oh, well,
that's what judy's having.
What kind of grilled cheese
do you have?

Oh, you're interested
in grilled cheese?

Yeah.

I'm offering you
blumpkin gravy with a hot fork,

And you're only interested
in grilled cheese?

You're done, dude.

Narrator: Murr couldn't dish out
any specials,

Making him first up
on the loser board.

Today we're biking
through hoboken, new jersey.

But, oh, lord jesus,
we fell off our bikes, jesus!

And we need a good samaritan
to help us out.

However, when that
someone comes to check on you,

The other guys are gonna force
us to be so rude and off-putting

That the good samaritan
will not want to help you out.

If somebody does not help you
up because of something

The other guys told you to say,
you lose.

Ain't nobody got time
for that.

Lord help me, jesus.
Wh--

Sal likes bike riding.
Does he?

He does.
I wouldn't think so.

You wouldn't think so?
No.

He doesn't seem like
he would balance well.

Just rode it down the steps.

Aah!
Oh, boy.

sh*t!
Dude, help me out. Dude.

Dude, help me out?

He gets farther
and farther away from you.

Oh, no!
Ah!

Here comes a superhero...
Yeah.

...With g*ns out
coming to help you, sal.

I think I did something
with a meniscus.

"oh, I bet you think
you're so great helping."
oh.

All right,
I'll give you this one.

I bet you think you're
so great helping me.

"who dressed you?
A 9-year-old with a vendetta?"

Who dressed you?
A 9-year-old with a vendetta?

"just so you know,

I'm not into whatever religious
crap you're gonna try

And peddle after this."

Just so you know, I'm
not into whatever religious crap

You're gonna try
and peddle me after this.

"yikes. Who did your bangs?"

Oh, my god.
Yikes. Who did those bangs?

"of course he goes
for the bike."

Of course he goes for the bike
and not help me.

Aah!

"hey, what's your name, man?"

Hey, what's your name, buddy?

"ick. Terrible name."
sam? Ick.

Terrible name. Okay. Yeah.

Aaaah!

I know your kind.

Oh, I know
your kind.

"watch it, dork."

Come on. Watch it, dork.

Come on.

Ah! We threw everything at him.
Ah, god. Ah, man.

You helped me despite how many
times I've insulted you.

Take the fall.

Oh!
Aah!

Aah! Damn it!

"I don't want your help!"

You all right, though?
Yeah.

I don't want your help!

Oh.
Please. No, no.

No! Don't touch my bike!
Ah, don't touch my bike.

Don't touch my bike!
Aah! Help, help! Ah!

Help me. Help me, please.
Help me.

Okay. I don't know
what you want right now.

I want you to help me
I want you to help me.

Murr: "I don't like you!"

I don't like you!

Aah! Aah!

Okay. Okay. All right.

"where you gotta go?!"

-All right. One...

Where you gotta go?!
One, two...

Aah! Aah! I need help!

You just said
you didn't like me, so...

I know!

One, two...

I think you got it.
Ah, there you go, buddy.

Thank you so much.
Thank you. You're a gentleman.

I can't believe it, man.

We can't get a loss here.

You're too likable, buddy.

All right.

Sal: All right, q.

I don't know
if this is gonna work.

Oh, the brake.

Oh. Oh! So hot. Oh!

So hot.

Murr: That was so bad.

Oh!

Oh, yeah.

Having a hell of a day.

he backed away.
He backed away.

Come on, come on.

You hissed
and he backed away.

Yeah, well,
I don't blame him.

Oh. Uh!

Ooh-ohh!

"before you help me,
lose the toupee."

Before you help me,
you gotta lose that toupee.

"I don't want it slipping off
and..."
you gotta lose the toupee.

I don't want it slipping off,
coming in my mouth.

You gotta...

Sal: "what's a little thing
like you gonna do"

What's a little thing
like you gonna do?

"I don't think you're ready
for this jelly."

I don't think you're ready
for this jelly!

Go. Me and you.

Murr: "next."
next.

"you can't handle this,
salad hands."

You can't handle this,
salad hands.

All right. Okay. All right,
all right. Wait, wait, wait.

"what's your full name
in case you injure me further?"

What's your full name
in case you injure me further?

My name is lee.
Lee?

"how about
"lee-ve" me alone?"
oh, yeah.

"lee-ve" me alone, lee.

Oh, my god! He still helped.
Say something.

I tried.
Hurl an insult.

I did! I threw a few out.

You have no problem insulting
everyone all the time.

Now you're just quiet?

That's what we call,
my friends, a victory.

All right, murr. Murr-man.

Uh! Oh!

they're not gonna help you

Because that looked faker
than the moon landing.

Ah. You know...

"can you towel off before you
help me, sweaty eddie?"

Can you -- whoa, whoa, whoa!

Can you towel off before
you help me, sweaty eddie?

If that's...

Some--
oh. Oh!

Aw! The fricking clip!

"hey, dingus.
How about a little help?"

Hey -- hey, dingus.

How about a little help here?
Okay?

Dingus, if you don't mind.
Thank you.

Put your stuff down, dingus.
Let's go.

"oh, great.
Someone with a hero complex."

Oh, great. Here we go.
Someone with a hero complex.

Please, save me. Right?

"all right. Careful, princess.
You'll break a nail."

Okay. All right.
Careful, princess.

I don't want you
to break a nail.

I mean, if you could help me,
though.

I'd really appreciate the help.

You couldn't
possibly insult a person more.

Uh! Uh!

Son of a b*tch.

Do you want to give me
a hand here, buddy?

One second.
The fricking thing.

It just --
it gets locked on the...

"all right,
don't touch the bike, freak."

Ooh! Don't

Don't -- don't --
don't touch the bike, freak.

"it costs more
than you make in a month."

It costs more
than you make in a month.

Can you give me
a hand over here real quick?

There's no way
to win the game.

There's no way
to win the game.

The game's stacked against us.

Murr:

Fellas, do you see
what's happening right now?

Look at the view
from over here.

Murr: Fellas, do you see
what's happening right now?

Just taking
a brotherly stroll.

There's our boys adeev and ezra
on the tandem bike.

-Look at you two.
-Hey, look at this.

Look at the view
from over here.

You look so graceful.

Murr, if
you want them to take a turn,

They can do that, but
they're gonna take your turn,

So you're gonna live and die...

Deal.
...By some potash.

I believe in them.

Here he goes.

The bike is harder
than the challenge.

Oh, crap.

Oh, no.
We're all tangled.

Sir, would you mind --
sir, would you mind helping?

No? Okay.

Oh, sh**t!

Oh! Oh, god.
Murr: They're
really good at that fall.

Oh, my god.

Wait. Can we get your help?
I'm serious.

Sal: "what's your name?"
what's your name?

Zoe.
Zoe.

"terrible name."

-That's a horrible name.
-I'm sorry.

Just, anything with a "z"
doesn't have that, like,

-Je ne sais quoi.
-Here.

"lose the glasses,
first terminator."

Were those glasses from
the first "terminator" movie?

Did you -- were they from ebay?

Your roots are showing.
I'm sorry.

Oh! All right, all right.
That's -- you guys lose.

Where you going?
Come back!

Sal:
She's already 20 feet away.

There was no need
for the last insult.

No, that one was personal.
That one was personal.

Oh, sh*t. I just lost.
Murray, that's a loss, dude.

I just lost 'cause of you guys.

Narrator: Murr couldn't pedal
his way to a win,

Making him tonight's big loser.

Well, murr lost,
and for his punishment,

We're here at
federal hall national memorial,

Where george washington gave the
very first inaugural address.

Wow.
cool, right? Yes.

And in a few moments, a walking
tour group is starting here.

They're taking a tour that's
ending nearby at fraunces tavern

To witness
a historical re-enactment.

Okay.
And you, my friend,

Have the distinct honor
of playing the man himself,

George washington.

Big shoes to fill.
That's right, that's right.

I know
it sounds fun and dandy,

But this punishment's
gonna suck!

It's gonna suck!

So this historical tour just
ended here at fraunces tavern.

And murray is now dressed
as george washington,

But he doesn't know
what he's about to do.
There he is.

He doesn't understand what this
re-enactment is about right now.

General,
please have a seat.

Also, today, we have casey
narrating this re-enactment,

As well as -- all of our staff

Is in this
in one way or another.

It's mid-December 1799.

Murr, this is gonna be
the last few hours

Of george washington's life.

The general surveyed
his farm again

And upon his return complained
of a cough...

...And a hoarse voice.

my fellow americans.

I immediately sent for
the washington family physician

To tend to the ill general.

Doctor, please,
it's urgent.

General,
I came as soon as I could.

Yes, I've come ill.

You're gonna want
hirudotherapy, murray.

I would like hirudotherapy.

I don't feel
quite comfortable...

Be kind of an arrogant d*ck
about it. You want it.

Sal: Insist on it.

That seems
a bit extreme in this case.

Extreme?
We beat the british.

Was that not extreme?
All right.

We fought in order
to be free men,

To make our own choice--
what, choice...

Let us begin
the hirudotherapy, then.

What --
just to clarify...

...What do you interpret
hirudotherapy to be?

Sir, hirudotherapy is
all about releasing blood

From the body,
which should help.

What? Those...

Those are...

Are those -- those are --
those are leeches?

Of course, leeches.
Of course.

Those are leeches.

those...

"huzzah for hirudo!"

Huzzah for hirudo!

This is how
george washington actually died.

And we're hoping
history repeats itself tonight.

You've done this before?

Casey: Sure.
Once.

Once.

Okay.

Sal: George washington
shaved his chest?

Shorn, hairless
george washington.

It looks like
a historical-themed porn

Is about to start.

Oh.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Let's see this arm.

O-kay. Okay.
Okay.

So we're just gonna -- okay.

Oh, my god, here we go.

Murr: Those are leeches?
Man: Of course, leeches.

Oh.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Let's see this arm.
Oh, my god. Here we go.

Okay.
Okay.

Is this -- this, uh...

So we're just gonna...

Okay.
Okay.

So just...
Let me know
once you feel it pinch you.

It doesn't seem to like me.

Sal: The leech is being
repelled by murray's blood?

A bloodsucking leech gets put
on murray and is like, "pass."

"no, thanks."

Another fun leech fact --

They can suck
from both sides.

Like murray.

Oh! That was something.

That's a feeling
that I have not had before.

It's the feeling of healing.

Oh, some woman's leaving.
She's out.

Yes?
Maybe, george,
why don't you

Lean back a little bit?
And we'll try to do a few tubes.

You're just sticking it on?
Geez!

That's just -- oh, god!

Oh!
Oh!

look at this woman.

Oh, yes!
That one's attached now, too.

Man: Okay.
We have two attached.

-Ohh!
-Best of luck to you, sir.

Thank you. I think -- it feels
like it's going to work.

Ha ha! Oh!

And then soon, another doctor
arrived to help the general.

Hello, doctor.

Man: General washington...
Ooh!

...It's truly an honor
to grace your presence.

Please tell me the problem.

One moment.
That is...

Eww! They're alternating now.

Ooh! For a moment,
they were in synchronicity.

And then now they've gone out
of sync.

So it's just a perpetual crunch
and crunch,

And crunch, and crunch.

"more leeches!"

More leeches is what I need!

I'd really prefer
to just give you maybe a tonic.

Sal:
"give me more leeches now."

I don't see
how more leeches can be the...

Give me more leeches now!

Sal: Slapped, too.

Do you understand?!
I'm the pres--

More leeches!

The majority of people
watching are not amused.

Oh, geez. Oh, no, no.
Oh, god.

Oh, god. Oh, god.
Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god.

Yes, yes. Do it.

An -- an --
an interesting sensation

Is having another leech
put on me

When the first two are biting.

Now, a leech's saliva is --

Enough of the facts!

Yeah, sometimes they crawl
around first

Until they find the exact spot
that pleases them most.

Yes.
Another person's leaving.

Ooh-hoo-hoo! Ooh!

Thank you so much, nurse!

Thank you for healing me.
Oh-h*!

I was hoping you'd regale me,
perhaps,

With the speech
you gave to your troops

At the river delaware.

-"of course."
-the one on horseback.

Of course. Let me just...

Ooh-hoo-hoo. Ooh.

Go ahead, murr.
Give the speech you gave.

Look.
This woman can't look up.

Murr, go back and --
look at the shot.

Give the speech.
Don't just...

Murr, give a speech.

Americans,
we will not surrender.

We will not fail.

Today we celebrate
our independence day.

Nice, buddy. Nice.

That speech zapped
his energy,

And washington then collapsed
back into bed.

Washington called out
for his beloved wife, martha,

To join him
for one last dance.

Aka murray's wife, melyssa.

martha,
you came when I called.

My love.

yes.

I'm gonna stay right here.

She wants nothing
to do with him.

You've been the best part
of my life.

Please stop doing
things like this.

Casey: They danced
late into the night,

Hitting all
of general washington's

Favorite dances --

The charleston.

Oh, murr. Yeah.
Dance the charleston.

Casey:
Walk like an egyptian.

And, of course,
the new macarena.

A leech fell off!

-Ah!
-Oh, the --

Casey: That is sending
some of the leeches off.

Someone else left.

Oh, there's blood
on his chest.

Casey: Using the last of his
strength, in order to win a bet,

George washington signaled
for his beloved hula-hoop.

Go ahead, murr.
You got 60 minutes.

A hula-hoop should be at the end
of every punishment now.

Everything, everything.
Every one of his.

okay.

Oh!

Casey: All right. Let's see if
you can break your old record

Of 1 minute and 20 seconds.

His bet was that he could do
it for an hour straight.

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

There was a lot of talk from
general washington about this.

Understand --
I did it in college.

I did it in college.