13x03 - Celebrity Crushed

[bunniefuu]

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?!

Who's a good cat?

Today, we're in a waiting room
for a focus group,

Sitting next to
another participant.

And that person's going to
do us a very small favor.

And, in response, we'll say,
"I owe you one."

And then, moments later,

The moderator is going to send
that participant home early?

But, hey, they just did us
a very small favor.

And we owe them one.

So we're going to storm
into the moderator's office

And flip out on their behalf.

And if they don't choose to stay

After you're completely
unsolicited defense,

You lose.

We owe them one.

Murr: Here we go.

been waiting long, or no?

Today's going to --
going to be cookies?

Oh, awesome.
Awesome.

I can have one of those?

-Ah.
-Ah.

Alright, alright.
I can't eat all these.
Are you kidding me?

I owe you one.

Look at me.
I owe you.

Alright, cole,
break the news.

Uh, so,
just about to get started.

The client said
we only need one,

So, jeremy, I think
we're going to just get you paid

And you can go home.

-Okay. Cookies are great.
-Pretty easy -- easy day.

-Stay put for one more minute.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. No problem.

-What?
-Oh, no. Sal is upset.

I know, but that's --
you just --

You waited here and you're
here to give your opinion

And they're not going to
let you give your opinion?

That's crazy.
-"what is this, the '90s?

Your opinion
doesn't matter?

Like you're a woman
or a child?"

What is this,
the '90s?

Your opinion
doesn't matter?

Like you're a woman or a child
or something in the '90s?

Jeremy, look at me.

-"you gave me a cookie..."
-you gave me a cookie...

-"...When I had nothing."
-...When I had nothing.

"now I give you my word."

Now I give you my word,
buddy.

"I will tear this place
to the ground."

I will tear this place
to the ground.

-Going to do what's right.
-Oh, he's going in.

I-if they don't do
what's right by you --

I know this guy,

And I'll probably even get you
some extra money.

-let me -- let me call you back.

I don't know what --
-excuse me. Yeah, call back,

Because I have -- I have to
have a word with you

Because it's not right,
what's going on here.
Alright, sir, okay.

No, no. No, no, no.
Sit down. Don't stand up.

You think you're the big man
with your big gorilla nuts, huh?

I know for a fact that you are
not going to let the kindest,

Bravest, sweetest man
I have ever met

Leave here without giving
his opinion today.

-his mouth was invited here,

And his mouth should have
satisfaction.

Put the phone down,
gorilla nuts!

This poor, little baby
will not speak up for himself,

But I will speak up
for this poor, little baby.

"hey, we got a psychopath
down here. Send security."

-I get so mad.

Whoa!

All I'm saying is,
take those nuts

And do something good
with them.

"put those gorilla
nuts in the mouth
of fairness for once."

All I'm asking
is for you to take out

Those huge gorilla nuts

And put them in the mouth
of goodness for once.

Let -- let them...

-Jeremy, I, uh --
-here we go.

I settled the whole thing,
okay?

I told you
I owed you one.

When you gave me
the cookie,

You made a friend for life,
okay,

And I told you
I owed you one.

Good news is, you're going to
stay for the full day.

You're going to give
your opinion,

And then they're going to
pay you.

Bad news is,
I took the b*llet,

I don't care, I get to go
home now with full pay.

Alright?

-Alright.
-oh!

Hi. I'm brian.

Hi. I'm dana.

Hi, dana.

Murr: Q has an advantage.
He looks unhinged already.

Oh,
you're doing cookies?

Oh, man.

You going to share
your cookies with me?

Simple brian.

Mmm.

simple brian.
This is my favorite brian.

That's turned
my whole day around.

-Happy to help.
-Oh, my god, dana.

Dana, you did more than help.

You -- you --
you saved me.

I owe you one.
I owe you.

I got your back.

Alright, cole,
break the news.

Seems like we're only
going to need one person, brian,

Uh, to --
to go do the focus group.

So you're probably --
I could just pay you and --

And you're good for the day,
but...

Sure.
I got paid to eat a cookie.

That's not --
that's a nice Wednesday.
There you go. Yeah.

-But her opinion, though.
-Few minutes.

That's not right.

Like, that's not fair.
Like, you have an opinion.

Your opinion matters.

"you mustn't accept this."

My dear lady...

You mustn't accept this.

Murr: "today,
they silence you on cookies."

Today, they silence you
on cookies.

"tomorrow, it's cakes."

Tomorrow, it's cakes.

"then comes the camps
and the secret police."

Then comes the camps
and the secret police.

"and soon, the whole world
has forgotten pie."

And -- and -- and soon,

The whole world
has forgotten about pie.

Think about the pie, my lady.
Think about the pie.

No, I'm going to
make it right.

-We're cool, brian.
-I'm going to make it right.

Murr:
oh, here he goes.

may I come in?

-Um...
-Sure. What's going on?

So I think
a-a mistake's been made.

The nice lady out there,

My best friend
in the world out there,

She has great opinions.

She has great opinions.

I'm not going to
stand here

And let you dismiss her
like that.

Please, please,
please take her opinion.

Please, man.

I'll do anything, man.

Please, please.
I'll man,

If that's what you need.
-Hey, everything is okay.

-You got to let her do it.
-Oh, my god.

-I'm an idiot.
-Everything is okay.

What do you want?
You want me?

You want me?

If you want me,
just take me,

If that's what it needs.

I got it.
I got it, best friend.

I got to take it.
Just take what you want.

Alright,
it's all settled, dana.

I got --
I talked to him.

He's going to let you stay
all day

And get your opinion.
Alright.

No, I told you
I had your back.

Nice to meet you.
What's your --
tara.

Hi, tara.
Nice to meet you, as well.

Sal: "are those cookies?"

Are -- are those
your cookies?

That's yours.
I already tried them.

I can have --
I can have one?

Yes, sir.
Those are yours.

he's so funny, man.

Oh, my gosh.

You're even handing it
to me?

Why not?

-Tara...
-Yes?

...I appreciate you,
and I see you...

Aww, thank you.

...And...I owe you.

Cole,
go deliver the news.

-Sorry to interrupt.
-Yeah?

Cole:
I think we only need james,

So I'm going to make sure
with the client right now,

But sit tight.
-No problem.

Does not compute.

No, no, no, no.
That's not right.

That's not right.

You have opinions
on these cookies.

That's not right.
-I do. I do, actually.

Sal: "in 1993, when ibm
fired 60,000 employees..."

In 1993, when ibm fired


"...I sat back,
and I did nothing."

...I sat back
and did nothing.

-"today is a new day."
-today is a new day.

Go in there, murr.

I'm -- I'm sorry
you have to see this,

But it's not going to happen
on my watch...

-Get in there.
-...Because I owe you one.

Hey, dude.

I'll let them know
in like two minutes

That, um...

What's up,
you pretty mother

Get your damn feet
off the desk.

Whoa.

Whoa, sir.

-Come here. Come here.

Alright, go in there.
Go in there, murr.

What's up,
you pretty mother

Get your damn feet
off the desk.

Cole: Whoa, sir.

Tara has a voice.
She deserves to be heard.

-She deserves to be heard.
-There's no need for this.

And you --
come here. Come here.

You want her to just stand there
and go home?

Have a seat.
I'll take care of this, tara.

You are going to have
your voice heard.

I owe you one.

I am.

-Come out here. Come out here.
-Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Come -- everybody,
come out here.

Let's calm down.
Come on, come on.

Let's calm down.
-What kind of --

Okay, now here's the --

I'm going to lock
the damn door.

I'm sorry
I had to do that, tara.

But you, you pretty
son of a b*tch,

She deserves to be heard.

Like, what is your problem?

Okay?
She deserves everything.

You're going to
send her home?

Are you kidding?

Are you kidding?
Where are you going?

Where you going,
you son of a b*tch?

Where are you?
Where are you?

Come here.
-She's dialing 911.

That's my friend.
Come out like a man,

You -- you little
pretty mother

Come here, you son of a b*tch.
Look, hear me out, okay?

All I need you do --
let her stay, okay?

-Okay. She can stay.
-Is that okay?

-It's okay. She can stay.
-It's all good.

-She can stay?
-Alright, here we go.

-Alright, murr, go for it.
-It's all settled.

-Okay.
-It's all settled.

He's going to let you stay
the entire day and work, okay?

I'm going to get the money.
I'm going to go home.

You get to stay and get paid
at the very end of the day,

Hours from now.

Cool?

Alright. Alright.

Murr got it.

Narrator: Murr, q, and sal
don't owe anyone anything,

So they're safe
from the loser board.

Today,
we're at tompkins square bagels,

And we have a huge crush
on an employee here,

And we're finally going to
ask her out.

And, of course,
our fake crush is actually

One of our producers.

The goal is to drop

The cringiest pickup lines
of all time,

And then ask a fellow customer
how cringey it was.

And whoever gets rated
the least cringiest loses.

Alright,
sally retro.

Kate is out
amongst the people.

Excuse me. Do you guys come
in here a lot, by any chance?

Yeah, sometimes, yeah.

Oh, do you know that girl
that works here right there?

-No.
-Okay.

I have the hugest crush
on her,

But I come in here
all the time,

And I want to, like,

See if she might want to go out
or whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

Murr: Here you go.
This is your chance, buddy.

-Yes. Thank you.
-Uh...

Here we go.
Here we go.

They're looking at you.

Ladies --
ladies and gentlemen.

Excuse me.
Can I have your attention?

Something I want to say to you.

Um...

♪ you're so sweet ♪

♪ you can't be beat ♪♪

-God.
-Aww.

♪ I come in here,
and you smile from ear to ear ♪♪

-♪ cause you're my bagel girl ♪
-oh, my.

Sal: ♪ but you're so much more
than bagels ♪♪

♪ you're my bagel girl ♪♪

She's running away.

I didn't mean
to embarrass you.

And so I just, um...

♪ you seriously are
my bagel girl ♪♪

-Oh, my god.

♪ you got eyes so sweet
they can't be beat ♪♪

♪ I want to go on a date
and possibly be mates ♪♪

♪ every night
when I go home ♪♪

♪ I think of those lips
under your nose ♪♪

Lips under my nose?

Wow, sal.

I knew it was fake,
and that was hard to watch.

That didn't go well.
That didn't go well.

It was cringe. That was cringe.
I know it was cringe.

On a scale, like, of 1 to 10,
how bad was it?

Scale of 1 to 10?



-7.92.
-Oh!

Maybe I should've rapped.

Murr: Alright, q.

Sal: Good luck trying
to out-cringe my 7.92.

♪ she's my bagel girl ♪♪

♪ but she's so much more
than bagels ♪♪

♪ she's my bagel girl ♪♪

♪ she's my bagel girl ♪♪

Excuse me.

Do you come here often?

Yeah, pretty often.
I live down the block.

Okay. Alright.
So maybe you can help me.

Does she work here
all the time?

Do you know her name?

Don't know
if I ever seen her.

She's, I mean, so pretty.

I want to ask her out,
but I --

I just get really nervous
about these things.

You know what I mean?
-The worst thing she says

Is no, right? Who cares?
-Okay.

Alright, let's see --
-I'll be, like, rooting for you,

Like, back here,
eating a bagel.

Alright, stick with me.

Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go.

-Sorry.
-Hi. Hey. How are you?

-Hey. Good. How's it going?
-Nah, we're just checking in.

Yeah.
I-I wanted
to tell you something.

My sister died
when she was very young.

-and you remind me of her

Because you are an angel.

So take a break from heaven...

And go out to dinner with me.

And also say hi to my dead
sister while you're up there,

'cause she was really nice.

You know, me and my buddy
were talking.

He was like,
"just ask her, man.

Just -- just -- just ask her."

So, um...

I just -- I'm so nervous.
So I was like,

"did you hurt your mom's vag*na

When you came out
when she gave birth?

'cause she gave birth
to a giant angel.

-Oh, boy.

-Yeah.
-I'm sure he does.

Yeah.
Yeah, it was more like.

-I'm good. Thank you. Yeah.
-Yeah. Alright.

-Ohhh!

I know.
That was a little --

but, otherwise, I see
where you were going.

Like, on a scale from 1 to 10,


Uh, like...

...Soft eight.

Soft eight. Soft eight.
Soft eight. Soft eight.

-By .08.
-Oh.

Soft eight beats hard 7.92.

-Maybe in the videos you watch.

I know that was all fake,

And I still feel bad
about myself.

You have me hitting on
my own wife?

-Yeah.

This sets a barometer
for you, murr.

You literally have to be
so bad

That it doesn't work
on your own wife.

I'm trying
not to look.

I-if you notice me from
across the --

The restaurant,
you can look at me.

Oh, my god,
that was cringe.

Murr, are we playing yet?
Because my skin's crawling.

Here he goes.

Do you, uh,
you come here a lot, buddy?

Really?

I'm really nervous, man.

You see the girl?

I, like, really want to
ask her out. You know?

I'm, like -- I'm
really nervous to do it, though.

Excuse me.

Uh...

Hi.
-Hi.

I just wanted to ask
you something.

look at his face.

I just wanted to ask
you something.

"hey, b*tch"?

Is this your friend?

No, b*tch.

Oh, my --
dude, what did I...

I thought
for sure it would work.

That was --

I wonder what point
that was.

Oh, my god.

On a scale of, like, 1 to 10,
how bad was that?



-8.5.
-Ohhhh!

-How do I lose?

How do I lose?

Thanks, b*tch.
I mean that.

Narrator: Looks like
it's sal's turn to cringe.

He's tonight's big loser.

Okay, sal lost,

And we're doing your punishment
a bit different tonight.

We are actually
going to make

One of your dreams
come true, bud.

Murr: That's right.
Now we're going to give you...
Wait, what?

Your very own
sitcom pilot.

So we're going to
give you that,

But what we're not giving you
is a script, any direction,

And, by the way,
the sitcom starts right now.

So right through there.
-Go, go, go.

Go!

Oh, my god.

Murr: It-- it's sal's real
childhood bedroom,

Circa 1987.

Wow.
You guys did amazing.

oh, my god.

Those are my sheets.
-Yep.

How did you get my sheets?

We should let you know that
all that stuff on the wall

Is original.

Sal: This is crazy.
These are literally my pictures.

Oh, yes.

-How did you --
-your mom let us come in

And raid
the sal vulcano archives,

Aka your attic.
- yeah.

Wow. Alyssa milano, dude.

I was, like,
obsessed with alyssa milano.

Uh, it is a sitcom,
so where would you be

Without your own theme song?

♪ once upon a time,
there was a boy named sal ♪♪

♪ he had love in his heart
for a specific gal ♪♪

♪ he had a real nice house ♪♪

♪ and a real nice smile ♪♪

♪ I'll tell you
how he fell in love ♪♪

♪ in the town
of staten isle ♪♪

♪ sal's ♪
♪ house ♪♪

♪ sal's ♪
♪ house ♪♪

♪ sal ♪

♪ this is "sal's house" ♪♪

There you go.

I had the biggest cru--
oh, that's so funny.

Buddy,
what's on the bed?

Oh my god.

Those are sal's
actual love letters...

-No. No.
-Yeah.

...To alyssa milano,
his childhood crush.

You made copies
for yourself

'cause that's how weird
you were, even as a kid.

Sal: I wrote this
when I was probably 12.

And your mom gave us
the copies.

-This is --

my mom is --

Uh-oh. Who's knocking
on the door there?

-Open it?
-Yeah.

♪ this is "sal's house" ♪

Alyssa milano...

oh.
Oh, my.

Oh, my god.
-Buddy.

...In the flesh.

Shake?

hello.

-Hello.
-It's so nice to meet you.

Murr: This is your dream
come true, sal.

It's great.

I literally had this.

It's either, like, a shrine
or, like, evidence.

I can't believe you're standing
in front of me right now.

Your voice has gone up
two octaves.

oh, my --

I can't tell
if you're crying or laughing.

Um, a little of both.

"a little of both."

it's a little of both.

And -- and I heard
you wrote me some letters.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Alright, sal,
read her your letters.

Let me grab
this chair.

Oh, god.

Don't make me
do this.

Murr: Alright, sal,
read her your letters.

I'm very excited.
Please have a seat.

-Okay.

Alright,
I got to get my little...

Murr: His head can't fit
under the bed.

"to bop and big bopper."
ah, god. Jesus.

It's embarrassing to say
these are the actual --

Yeah,
sure is embarrassing.

I'm sorry.
I'm still not, uh --

I still have not adjusted
to the fact that you're here.

It's okay. Let's --
let's breathe together.

-Alright, alright, alright.

Why are your hands
so clammy?

So, bop --
so, bob and big bopper,

You know,
all the magazines you were in,

Used to say that you li--
you liked boys --

You liked --
I'm a man.

I'm a 50-year-old man.

Just read the letters.

"I", uh...

"I have read
in almost every one

Of the bop
and big bopper magazines

That alyssa milano..."

"...Is not dating anyone

Or doesn't like
to get serious,

And likes boys better
as friends."
oh.

"I then read
that she has a boyfriend,

And he moved in with her?

What is the truth?"

Murr: You weirdo.

The last sentence is,
"what is going on!!!?"

With three exclamation points
and a question mark.

I feel like this is
punishment for me, not you.

And then I wrote,

"a person who has been in love
with lyss for three years..."

-Whoa.
-"...Sal vulcano."

-Oh, my gosh.
-Yeah.

Alright, buddy, so we wrote
you a poem to read to alyssa.

Do you mind
if I sit next to you?

-Okay, so --
-I'll move a little closer.

Okay.
Oh, whoa, whoa.

So I wrote you a poem,
"lyss, lyss, lyss."

"lyss, lyss, lyss."
that's good.

"I watch you, I watch you,
I watch you."

"I breathe your air.

I keep your hair."

"I want you to keep me
as a pet.

I watch you often, often.

I love you.
Sal."

Yes.

What's next?

Do you want to play
truth or dare?

-Yeah, you do.
-Yeah, yeah.

-"let's play truth first."
-let's play truth first.

Behind the speaker there is
a bottle of drugs you found.

This is kind of...Sensitive,
but "the more you know."

-Okay.
-Um...

-I found these drugs.
-How did you get my...?

Are they yours?

They're not --
they're not drugs.

Those are my, um,
supplements.

-This is for the week, right?
-Today.

It-- it's his daily pills.

This is magnesium,
basic apple cider vinegar pill,

My blood-pressure pill,
iron, copper, vitamin d,

Loose tums in case,
a probiotic,

And this one's
a prebiotic.

-Uh-huh.
-I needed methylated

Because I --
my body doesn't break down

The -- the -- the --
the nutrients.

Buddy, this is not --
you're really
winning her over, buddy.

I'll take a dare,
yeah, yeah.

I dare you...

"to let me autograph
your forehead."

...To let me autograph
your forehead.

I got to do it.
I can't turn that down.

Write the word "dork"
on his forehead.

And here is my...
Autograph.

Why do I eel like you're not
writing your autograph on me?

-Perfect.

What's up, you dork?

What does it say?

It says "dork."

It says "dork"?

What a sitcom.

Sal, do you have an idea?

-I have an idea.
- okay.

"uh, do you want to play a round
of spin the bottle with me?"

Do you want to play a round
of spin the bottle with me?

you bet I do.

Can my friends
come and play, too?

oh, here we go.

Murr: Here's all your
childhood posters, sal.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

-Hi. Wow.
-Welcome. How you doing, donnie?

Thanks for coming
to my room, guys.

george.

George is here.

♪ sal's ♪
♪ house ♪♪

♪ sal's ♪
♪ house ♪♪

♪ sal ♪

♪ this is "sal's house" ♪♪

Hey, benjamin cat's back.

I feel like
I am on acid right now.

-Do you want to spin?
-Yes. Uh, no. Yes.

Of course you want to spin.

This is your
dream come true, sal.

-Alright. Here we go.
-Please get me. Please get me.

Murr: Spin the bottle
with alyssa milano.

-Oh!
-Oh!

-"donnie baseball," baby.
-Whoo!

Sorry, big guy,
this calls for a pinch hitter.

Come here.

-Whoo!
-Yes.

See you next week.

That's it?
Uh, we did it?

-That's it.
-Great job, dork.

♪ once upon a time,
there was a boy named sal ♪♪

♪ he had love in his heart
for a specific gal ♪♪

♪ he had a real nice house ♪♪

♪ and a real nice smile ♪
oh, look at you.

♪ I'll tell you
how he fell in love ♪♪

♪ in the town
of staten isle ♪♪

♪ sal's ♪
♪ house ♪♪

♪ sal's ♪
♪ house ♪♪

Just like watching
teenagers hang out

In the bedroom after school.
It's cool.

♪ sal's ♪
♪ house ♪♪

♪ sal's ♪
♪ house ♪♪

♪ sal ♪
yeah.

♪ this is "sal's house" ♪