13x04 - Valet Villain

[bunniefuu]

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

Today we're at
Livoti's Old World Market

shopping with our fake kid,
Melana.

And then we'll have to ask
another shopper to record us

while we surprise our daughter
with tickets to Disney!

But then comes
the brutal twist --

the tickets to Disney are off

'cause of something
our daughter did wrong.

And if you can't get
the person filming to agree

that we made the right decision
in canceling the trip,

you lose.

This is Melana,
our daughter for today.

Go ahead. Go ahead.
Do a cartwheel.

I did a cartwheel
recently.

I pulled it off.

Come on, man.
Come on, man.

What does that mean?
Don't be doing that.

Alright.
Here we go.

Um, could you do me a favor?

Uh, go get some sprinkles.

Mommy's on aisle two.
Okay? Thank you so much.

Excuse me, miss?
Yeah.

Could you do me a favor?
Yeah.

While my daughter's
running getting sprinkles,

can you record a video
real quick,

um, when she comes back?

I'm gonna surprise
her with something.

Oh, sure.
Is that okay?

She's gonna --
She's gonna die when --

Okay.
"She's gonna die."

He's definitely
not a dad.

They're our tickets
to Disney.

I know!
I know, I know.

Oh, this is gonna be
huge.

She's so invested already.
I know.

Skipping.

Good choice, Melana.

Yes!
You got the sprinkles.

Okay. Thank you, love.
Uh, and do me a favor.

Could you check
that envelope right there?

I don't even like this.
This is rough.

That's right!

Disney!
We just got tickets to Disney.

Yay!
You got --
We're going to Disney World.

People are clapping!
Oh, but she didn't
eat her vegetables.

The thing, though, Melana,
is that, um...

Disney only lets in kids...

that eat their vegetables,

and you did not.

So it pains me to do this.

Disney tickets are only for kids
that eat their vegetables.

But I hate broccoli.
No, I don't care.
I don't care.

I'm your father,
you understand?

And you would have
gotten tickets to Disney

had you eaten your vegetables
like you're supposed to.

She's just filming this!

Your mother and I
spent all night

preparing food
and cooking for you.

So, no, you do not get to
go to Disney at all.

This is an important life lesson
you're learning.

"Thank you for working hard,
Daddy."

Thanks for working hard,
Daddy.

Too late. Too late.

Go see Mommy. Okay?

Oh!

No. I was
in the right here, right?

That -- It's gonna
make an impact.

That's a core memory
for her right now --

when she had tickets and
they were taken away from her.

You wouldn't have
done it that way?

Yeah.

Yeah.

How'd you think that
was gonna go?

You weren't trying to talk her
into your point of view at all.

You don't disrespect Father.

Jesus.
That was brutal.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Sure.

I want to surprise
my daughter.

I have tickets
to Disney.

I'm gonna hide
the tickets right there,

and when she comes back, I'm
gonna surprise her with them.

I was wondering
if you could just take my phone

and record it for a moment.
Sure.

Thank you.

Anyone wants
to be a part of this.
Everybody wants to be

part of a happy moment.
That's right.

Here she comes.

Okay, we're next,
but I want to ask you,

what is this?

I don't know what that is.

You should open it up.

Tickets to Disney?

That's two tickets
to Disney.
Aah!

"You don't get them
'cause you quit accordion."

Here's the thing. Okay.

Remember
when Dad got you an accordion

and it cost a lot of money

and then you stopped
playing the accordion?

So, we have to learn
to commit to things,

and it's just to teach you
a lesson...

about -- about sticking
with things that we try.

So now we have an accordion
at home that I can't return,

it's collecting dust,
so now we can't...

...go to Disney.

So I'm not going to Disney?

We're not going to Disney.

Okay?

Oh, my God. She just got
what's going on.

I love you.
Melana, "But the accordion
hurt my little fingers."

I love you --
The accordion hurt
my little fingers.

The accordion hurt
Daddy's wallet, so...

You understand?
Yeah.

Just -- Just tell Mommy
that we'll be right there.

I'm getting number 97.
Okay? I'll be right back.

I was trying to teach her
a lesson because I bought her --

I bought her an accordion.

Yeah.
And the accordion was $700.

It was used. Yeah.
Oh, my God.

And she stopped playing it.

And I need to teach her that

we need to stick with
the things that we promise.

Yeah. You wouldn't have
done it that way?

Okay.

So I just figured
I'd buy the tickets to Disney,

then snatch them back so
she understands how life works.

Murr: That's a lot.

Alright, Q.
Alright, alright,
alright, alright.

Here we go. Here we go.
Just do it.

Alright.
Sal: You seem nervous.

Oh, my God.

That was not good.
Oh, my God, dude.

How dare you speak
the way you spoke up here?

That's -- I feel
like I'm doing a cartwheel.

You did not.

Excuse me, sir.
Yeah.

Hey, I'm Brian.
How you doing?

How you doing?
Can I get your help
with something?

I want to -- I'm trying to --

About to surprise
my daughter,

and I was wondering
if you could film it for me.

Yeah.
Yeah? It'll be real quick.

Head back in, Melana.

Sal: She's behind you.
Here she comes.

Hey, sweetheart.
How you doing?

Melana: Good.
Hey. What's that, bud?

Tickets to Disney?!

Yeah!
Yay!

So exciting!

Now, here's the thing.
Murr: "You'll get these..."

You'll get these...

"...when you learn
to stand up for yourself."

...when you...

uh...

Oh, she's making you
look bad, bro.

Melana:
Tickets to Disney?!

Murr:
"You'll get these..."

You'll get these...

"...when you learn
to stand up for yourself."

...when you learn
to stand up for yourself.

Tear 'em up, Q.
See,
because the problem --

What I'm telling you with --
with the online bullying

is that you gotta stand up
for yourself.

Mickey Mouse isn't gonna
let you in there if you don't --

if you don't stand up
for yourself.

So, we're not
going to Disney?

Not yet, no.
No, not until --

Not until you stand up
for yourself a little bit more.

You go give that to Mommy.
She'll understand.

Woman: Come here
one minute.

Before
you go anywhere...

when I was your age...

Oh!

Aah!

She's literally
demonstrating on her!

We made up,
we're both 70 years old,

and we're still friends.

Murr and Sal: Wow!
So...

"So, Dad,
I should beat this girl up?"

So, Dad, should I
beat this girl up?

Yeah!
Oh, sh**t, yeah.

Yeah!
You go for it.

Get on her and you
boom, boom, boom.

She's giving her techniques
on how to choke her out!

You take 'em and you go
like this to their ears.

Oh, well, we're definitely
gonna go to Disney now.

That's what
I'm talking about!

Murr:
He's raising a winner.

Narrator: Murr and Sal
won't be going to Disney

because they're headed
to the loser board.

Today we are taking part
in a focus group

where we're going to
be volunteering

to be the official note taker
using this laptop.

The catch is that laptop will
be controlled by the other guys

from behind the scenes.

If the notes get
too hot to handle

and you close that laptop,
you lose.

Hi. My name is John.
This is a focus group today.

I did want to ask if somebody
was willing to take notes.

Yeah. I'm a good typer.
That'd be excellent.

Alright.
Thank you.

Alright. Murr is in.

John: First question.

Do you think
that society has gotten more

or less polite
since you were younger?

As far as politeness...
Type, Murr.

Woman: Decorum. They lack
decorum. They have no class.

You know,
our generation was --

...in their pajamas
or whatever.

We didn't just come out
wearing pajamas.

I might think that
somebody speaks this

and they speaks that.

You know, they have Spanish,
they have Africans,

they have...

"Dude equals possible mute."

It's, um...

But I moved to the Bronx.

Like you said, everybody's
speaking languages.

Sal: Alright.
Now we got this guy.

And what about you, sir?

Yeah. We haven't heard anything.
It's been -- You've been silent.

Well, I've been being polite
and letting people speak.

Oh, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Where are you from?

I live in Harlem now.
Woman #2:
You live in Harlem now?

Yeah.

You're from Harlem. You have
some stories. Let's hear them.

John: Just to keep it --
Just, you know, focusing in.

Like, I'm happy
to talk about that,

but again,
along the lines of

how do you think society
is polite?

[ Indistinct conversation,
laughter ]

Man, he stuck with it.

Alright, I'm so sorry
to interrupt you,

but you're the moderator
running this.

And, like, this is not...

Murr, you deleting.
You're deleting.

...like, notes.

John: Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not really watching.
What's that?

I was trying to follow along.
I'm doing --

Well, he's assessing
someone else's race

or where they're from.

It's just so beyond to me.
I didn't get any direction.

I'm just trying to do the best
I could. I'm sorry, so --

John: "Now this.
This is a fun little hairstyle."

What was that
in reference to?

I guess it must be me.

I wasn't coached on this.
I am human.

I do feel a little bit
like I'm getting bullied.

And can I just say how ironic
it is that the straight, white,

middle-aged,
balding man at the table

is the one throwing out terms
like "bullying."
I'm not s--

I'm not straight.

Anyway, if we could
just, like, get this going.

John: Yeah. Okay.

How do you think
cellphones have impacted

social norms in your lifetime?

Woman: Well,
what's unusual about us...

Oh!

How many times
do I have to close this?

How many times
before this does anything?

Murr: Here we go.
John: Alright.

How do you think cellphones
have impacted social norms?

My son doesn't even -- Like,
if he has a math problem,

he's not gonna do it hisself.

He's gonna use the phone
to do it.

Type.
I thank God that they --

that they started taking
these phones and stuff

away inside the schools now
because --

Just write "jerk."

Just write "jerk."

Uh, I'm sorry to stop you,

but, like, some of your stuff
that you're writing

is not very nice.

Yeah.

I agree with both of them,
actually.

Oh, I got one for her.
I got one for her.

If I don't know something,

I could just go up to my phone
and google it,

or I could ask Siri,
I could ask --

But then it's something
that I already knew...

Change the font color
while you're at it.

Social norm is having
your cellphone out,

being on, you know,
social media --

Okay.
She got him.

Really?

Really?

Murr: Deal with that,
Sal!

You okay?
Yes.

Um...

I can't believe
he kept it open.

I know.
I got a good --

Lillybeth.

Cynthia, has tipping culture
gotten out of hand?

I don't think that it's --
it's become a problem.
Murr: Start typing, Sal.

...I could say,
but it's more accessible...

We got Lillybeth
on the computer.

I know.

Hey, I'm sorry.
It's Spanish, I believe.

Yeah, it's Spanish.
I don't speak Spanish
myself.

Can you translate that?

Sí.

I did this.
So this is, uh...

I know. I know.
I speak Spanish.

Oh, there you go.
So you know.
I know.

I just wanted to know
why would you put it in Spanish?

Uh, you said
you were Spanish.

I just said that now,
but when I was talking...

Murr:
"I assumed. I assumed."

Man: I mean, unless you get
exceptional service

at this point,
I'm not even...

I mean, I'm sorry.
I don't get tips.

Uh, so, you know,

at this point,

I'm not even saying
acceptable service...

That's a 50/50.

Man #2: But, I mean,
I wouldn't go somewhere

where you're sitting down
and eating

and you really
don't have a tip.

Does anybody else want to talk
about tipping culture at all?

I think what's happening
is I think that

that the corporations
are cutting wages
to these employees,

and that's getting passed on
to consumers.

Traditionally,
you'd have a meal --

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to interrupt you.

I'm just --
Yeah.

No. Oh, that was on auto...
uh...

Q and Murr: Good job, Sal.

Good job, buddy.

Alright, Q.

If you ran your
own business,

what boundaries
would you implement?

Definitely
communication is key

and just adhering to schedules,
you know?

Type, type, type.

Because I have in the past.
I'm a freelance.

So...

I think we can move
on to the next one.

Just what's one small change
you've made

that's greatly improved
your work-life balance?

Keep typing. Keep typing.

Man: Try to do, like,
one extra thing.

I generally work very fast.

How do you manage stress?

I eat.
I'm a stress eater, I am.

Okay.
Trust me. I'm seriously
like a 300-pound man.

I don't manage it
very well.

Like, I don't sleep
when I'm stressed.

So that's a problem.
It doesn't matter if, um...

It'll just make me
feel groggy.

So that's why I'd like
to manage my stress.

Why am I TLC?

Because I met Chilli.

She said I was certified
not a scrub when I met her.

Did she really?
She did. She did.

You remind me of her.
Oh, okay.

So, um...

Uh, what are some items
or hobbies

that truly add value
to your daily life?

Alrighty.
Start typing.

Q, you've lost control
of the computer.

John:
Is everything alright?

I guess I put the font
up too high.

Alright. As long as...
TLC.

We're back at TLC.

It's coming through.
I mean, I'm so embarrassed.

How do you maintain a strong
connection with your friends

as you get older?

Murr: Go ahead. Type.

I've had a hard time,
like, keeping connections.

I think I -- I think...

Murr: Go ahead. Type.

Woman: I'm having a hard time,
like, keeping connections.

Oh, sh*t.
I went to put a thumbs-up.

I'm so sorry.
John: It's not a thumbs-up.

I'm so sorry. Um...

I read a -- an interview
with a sociopath.

Murr: Keep hitting.
One key.

And I was like,
"Man, if a sociopath

can get out of the house
and go see friends,

I should be able
to do it."

That's like I forced myself
to join this community garden.

Like, I really was skeptical.
Yeah!

But I was like, I need other
people in my life, you know?

John:
Yeah, that makes sense.

Szeluga, let's go over
the last few pages of notes.

Can we go over just some
of the last few pages of the...?

Yeah, sure. Alright.

That was supposed
to be a thumbs-up.

That was supposed
to be a thumbs-up.

I really thought
these were thumbs-up.

Is this your laptop?

Sal: Good for you, buddy.
Good for you.
Murr: Great job, buddy.

Narrator:
According to these notes,
Murr is tonight's big loser.

Well, Murr lost,

and we're here
at Pine Restaurant in the Bronx,

of all places,
for your punishment.

Murray, you have been
a waiter, a busser,

a pirate, a ferret.

Today you'll be up and down and
over and out working as a valet.

Got it. Let me guess.
I'm messing with people's cars?

Yes!
Yes!

That's the valet ticket.
Whose Camry is this?

Sal: Alright, here we go.
Murr: Alright, here we go.
Here we go, guys.

Cars pulling up.
Yeah.

Murr,
before they leave the car,

you need to take pictures of
the entire vehicle for damage,

and you need them
in every photo you take.

Hi, guys.
Welcome to The Pine.

Let me come around here,
sir, and give you a ticket.

Come on over.

I do have to do
a quick inspection of the car,

if you don't mind,
make sure there's no damage.

So just, uh --
You can stay in the shot.

This way we know it's your car.
That's it.

Great. That's the front.
Come around here to the side.

We are not responsible.

You see the little dings over
here? I'm not responsible.

What dings?
Right there.

You see that?
That's not on us.

That?

Take the two of them
together by the ding.

I just need proof, legally,
that you acknowledge

that that was there.

That's another ding.
There is not a ding.

Get in it. No, no, no, no, no,
no, no. Man, that's not on us.

Thank you.

So, sir, I mean, if
you want me to do anything else.

"There's nothing
I won't do for you."

There is nothing
I won't do for you.

"All of me
is at your disposal."

"All of me
is at your disposal."

All of me
is at your disposal.

Murr,
jump into their car.

Hey, Murr.
Yeah?

In the little valet area
over there,

there's a piece of paper
I put in there.

Okay.
That is
the female driver waiver.

Okay.

"I understand and accept
that allowing

a woman to operate my vehicle
carries inherent risks."

Oh, my God. Oh, geez.

Oh, yes, indeed. Of course.

Here's your ticket.
Thank you.

One thing to note.
We, uh...

Now, and I want
to preface this

by saying
I understand the irony,

but, uh, we do require now
for anybody valeting

that you sign this, uh,

female valet driver
authorization

and liability waiver.

Yeah, I know.
I understand the irony.

"Yeah, one of the gals
just became a valet."

You know what it is? One
of the gals just became a valet.

This has got to be
a joke.

"It's no joke.
We really promoted her."

We just -- It's not a joke.
We just promoted her.

And, you know,
she wanted to do it for a while.

You have to sign this,
that you understand

that "allowing a woman
to operate my vehicle

carries inherent risks,
including..."

So we can -- We just --

I know, right? You see,
I see all these kids go run by.

"What do you got,
a 10-speed?"

What do you got,
a 10-sp--

You got a 10-speed?
What do you ride?

"How often do
you scoot places?"

How often do
you scoot someplace?

When the weather's good,
maybe twice a week.

"I'm a little busy,
so scoot inside."

Really.

I'll tell you what.

I don't think I have the guts
for this show anymore.

I'll tell you what.
I'm a little --

I tell you what,
though, I'm a little busy,

so if you could scoot inside,
it'd be great.
Oh, okay.

Here.
Let me get that for you.

Aww.

How was dinner?
How was -- Good?
Hey, alright, alright.

Oh, here we go.
Great.
Murr,

just stare at the ticket.

In about 10 seconds,
look at him and go,

"It's gone."

It's gone.
Okay.

I know you're
not going to believe this...

"Firearm discharged
in your vehicle."

...but a firearm discharged
in your vehicle.

It's a whole thing.
What?

I didn't want --
Are you joking?

No, I am not.
How do I get home?

Well...

I know you're
not going to believe this.

A firearm discharged
in your vehicle.

How do I get home?
Well, uh...

"Well, we'll
figure it out."

We'll figure it out.
We'll figure it out.

"It's not green?"
Wait, it wasn't green?

No.
Sal and Q: "Oh!"

A green RAV4.

You were the gray one?
Man: Yes.

Ah! You're fine!

Anyways, we'll get
the car right over.

How was dinner?

Right?

Murr, there's
a Segway back there.

I want you
to hop on it,

and I need you to be
in motion the entire time

you help the next person.
Oh, no.

A Murr in motion
has to stay in motion.

Oh, my God.
Hi, guys.

Are you here for dinner
tonight at The Pine?

Here's your claim ticket. What
time is your reservation, sir?

I don't have one.

Oh, you don't have
a reservation?

Okay. Ma'am,
welcome to The Pine.

Murr, go through the cones
like it's an obstacle course.

You've been here before?
Great.

Let me just get your...

Let me -- Watch out.

I'm just gonna check for dings
right here.

"Quick question,
Papa."

Quick que--

Quick question, Papa.

"When you're ready
to retrieve the car..."

When you're ready
to retrieve the car...

"...how will I know
which key is yours?"

...how will I know
which key is yours?

Oh, the keys are --
The keys are in the car.

What do they look like?

Yeah, sure, if you don't mind.
That'd be great.

Go up to her. Go up to her.
Go to her.

"Quick question, Mama."
Quick question, Mama.

Quick question, Mama.
Quick question.

"When you're ready
to retrieve your car..."

When you're ready
to get in your car...

"...how will I know
which key is yours?"

...how will I know
which key is yours?

Stay in motion.
Are those the keys?

Because it has
Okay. Yeah.

Let me just grab -- Let me
just grab those real quick.

Right here, sir.

How will I know which keys
are yours, though, sir?

Look at his face.

Here we go.
Ah, you missed it again.

Let's just --
Just here, and...

Papa.

Hey, Mike Cast,

could you go out
and loiter around Murray?

Just stand and,
like, just stare at the street.

Murray.
Yeah?

Look to you're right.

You gotta find out
where the next person's going,

and you have to get 'em
to give Mike Cast a ride

because he's going to
the same place.

It's impossible.

If you do that, then
the punishment's over.


Of course. There you go.

Where are you guys coming from?
Where are you headed?

What part?
Woman: Across town.

Across town?
Oh, perfect.

So perfect. Um...

Y-You see the, uh,
the gentleman over there?

He's the neighborhood
walkabout.

Um...
"Any chance?"

Look at her eyes.

Look at her eyes.
Any chance...?

I mean,
you guys are going that way.

Mike, start walking
over towards the car,

like -- like
the deal's been accepted.

Yeah, so, I mean,
he's a -- he's a great guy.

He's a great guy.

Thanks for the ride.
Mike -- Yeah, yeah.

Thanks for the ride.
So, Mike, the open seat
is right over there, buddy.

Okay. You cool
if I suck on this pot?

Yeah, he's gonna smoke
out the window. It's okay.

Right, Mike,
"No, I'm driving."

I'm driving, right?

No, no, no, no, no, no.
You're going across town.

Let me check
on the chicken parm.

One second.
Oh, hey, guys.

Mike, just go,
"You guys party?"

Mike:
Do you guys party?

In the back seat
of the car.

Alright, Mike,
you be safe, buddy. Okay?

Mike: Right on.
Across town!

Good work.
Oh, my God, dude.

Oh, man.
That was great.