03x11 - Jingle Hell, Jingle Hell, Jingle All the Way

[bunniefuu]

You're senior producer, Miles.

You've been shot at in Afghanistan.

You smuggled tape out of Beirut.

So when I send you out to buy a wreath, why
do you come back with something like this?

Ah!

It's Christmas!

My little elves are doing such a good job!

Except there should be more
reindeer in that corner, Lynne.

Bobby, I need to see more snowflakes.

And Fran, honey, you're
holding back on the icicles.

I still see a little bit of the tree.

Don't throw it!

Place it!

That's better.

Don't you just love the smell of pine?

Everyone, I want you to stop what
you're doing and take a deep breath.

Doesn't that just put you
right into the holiday spirit?

♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

♪ On a one horse open sleigh ♪

Come on everybody!

♪ O’er the fields we go ♪

♪ Laughing all the way ♪

Murphy's back.

♪ Bells on bob tail ring ♪

♪ making spirits bright ♪

I can't hear you Murphy!

♪ What fun it is to laugh and
sing a sleighing song tonight ♪

♪ Ooooh... ♪

Knock it off!

Can you hear me now?

Okay, that's it.

You know, you people could
put a little more effort into this.

Do you want to have yourselves
a merry little Christmas or not?

Give it a rest, okay, Corky?

I just spent three days
in Beijing listening to

Deng Xiaoping tell me
He's not too old to run China.

To prove it, we did the entire
interview on a bicycle built for two.

He made me sit up front, and
then the weasel didn't pedal once.

Murphy!

Welcome back, my little Jasmine bud.

Did you bring me lots of exciting
news from the mysterious East?

Oh, you bet, Miles.

I got a shot of me and Deng taking a
header over the handlebars of a Schwinn.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I'm going to return

a few phone calls and
then go home to bed.

Good idea.

You deserve it.

And right after our story
meeting, you can do just that.

Oh, come on, Miles, I'm exhausted.

Murphy, get back here.

Story meeting, Murphy.

I believe I'm talking to you, miss.

Corky, enough with the
Christmas decorations.

Story meeting, let's go.

Almost done.

Jim, see, Jim's here.

Always on time, focused, ready to go.

Miles, if someone were sending you
a gift basket, would you like tropical

fruits, including guavas and kiwis, or
would you prefer cheeses of the world?

Jim, please, we've got a lot to do.

Would you put the catalog away?

Okay, we've got Frank.

Four out of five.

Sit down, Frank.
We're running late.

Frank, which excites you most?

Exotic fruits or tasty cheeses
delivered fresh to your door each month?

Oh, man, not this again.

Fruits, cheeses.

Jim, let me clue you in.

I don't know anybody who
looks at their calendar and says...

It's March! Oh, boy, cheddar month!

Okay, Murphy's back.

Here we go, here we go.

Hey, welcome back, Murphy.

Thanks, guys.

Okay, Miles, let's get this meeting over
with so I can go home and get some sleep.

That's what I'm trying to do.

But some people would rather play Santa's
workshop than put a show on the air.

Well, bah humbug to you, too, Miles.

You know what your problem is?

You just don't understand
the spirit of giving.

Oh, really?

It's the first night of Hanukkah.

With seven more nights after that,
I had to get gifts for 14 relatives.

You think I don't know
about the spirit of giving?

Call up MasterCard, they'll tell you.

Say, I hate this whole season.

I go into a store, I wander around for
hours, agonizing over what to buy people.

Before I know it, it's
Christmas Eve and I'm in

the drugstore on the
corner buying whatever's left.

And believe me, if you're giving someone
a hemorrhoid pillow for Christmas, you

better write a really funny card or chances
are she's not going out with you again.

You know, guys, I don't know
about the rest of you, but I think

this whole gift-giving thing has
gotten completely out of hand.

I just came back from a country where
people have so little, and we have so much.

Maybe this Christmas we
could do something more useful.

I mean, do any of us really
need another cheese basket?

Fine.

You're getting the exotic fruits.

All I'm saying is, maybe we should
forget about giving each other gifts.

We could take the money
and give it to charity instead.

You know what?

This is a great idea.

We do a good deed and cut down on anxiety
and inefficiency at the office, too.

It does seem closer to the
true meaning of Christmas.

But the only way this is going
to work is if we make a pact.

Okay, everybody, assume pact positions.

We all agree to give the money we
would have spent on gifts to charity.

Nobody buys anything for anyone.

No exceptions.

What do you say?

I think it's great.

Count me in.

Good going, Murph.

What a relief.

Alright.

Now, Lynne, remember,
it's our little secret, right?

You really shouldn't have, Murphy.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, Marv!

Could I see you in my office, please?

Now, Marv, I know we weren't supposed to
do this, but it's Christmas Eve, and we've

worked together for a long time, so I
just wanted to get you a little something.

I wouldn't even call it a gift.

It's what?

It's a gesture, that's all.

So just take it and put it under your tree.

Hey, Murph, you're never
gonna guess who I ran into it.

Oh, hi, Frank.

Hi.

What are you guys doing?

Uh, nothing.

Uh, Marv just wanted my opinion on
this charming gift he bought his wife.

I think it's great, Marv.

She's gonna love it.

Oh, really?

What is it, Marv?

Uh... It's a hat.

Well, it's a beret, actually.

folded up

It'll look cute as the
dickens on her, Marv.

Bye.

Gee, congratulations, Marv.

I didn't know you'd gotten married.

Merry Christmas from Murphy.

Well, isn't this nice?

You snake.

You cheater.

Thanks, Murphy.

I thought we had a deal.

No gifts for anybody.

You were the one who said it.

I know, I know, and I
wasn't going to buy anything.

Honest.

I made out my check to charity,
and then I started thinking.

I've worked with these people for years.

How can I not get them a little something?

Them?
How many of them are we talking about?

Not many.

Lynne.

Marv.

Shirley.

Maybe 30.



Oh, man, how could you do this?

I work with these people, too.

I care about them, but do you
think they're gonna believe that?

I can just hear them now.

Isn't Murphy wonderful?
We love Murphy.

Isn't Frank cheap?
We hate Frank.

Thanks a lot.

It's Christmas Eve, and now
I've gotta go buy 30 presents.

I have got a good mind,
not even to give you this.

What's that?

What do you think it is?

It's a present.

What do you mean?

We agreed we weren't
gonna give each other gifts.

You know, you've got the worst
poker face I have ever seen.

What, you want me to believe
you bought presents for the

entire bullpen, but didn't
buy one for your best friend?

Come on, we've been
exchanging presents for 13 years.

Oh, boy, Frank, you
can read me like a book.

Okay, I did get you
something, but it's not here now.

I've been tracing that darn package
day and night. And the post office

tells me it's now as close as West
Virginia, so it should be here very soon.

Well, it's not like I have
time to open it anyway.

I've got to go buy 30
presents on Christmas Eve.

I can't believe you did this to me.

Oh, great.

They're gorgeous.

Murphy, just the person I was looking for.

I just screened your piece on Jim Baker.

I have some comments, a few
suggestions. Do you have a minute?

Well, actually, no.

I'm in a pretty big hurry.

Oh, okay.

I guess it can wait.

Is everything all right?

Why, why do you ask?

You just seem to be a little bit jumpy.

I guess it's the holiday.

It tends to do that to people.

Although our little pact
certainly has made things easier.

No running through stores,
no last-minute shopping.

I've really got to go, Jim.

Although, as long as
we're on the subject,

I didn't want to mention
this before, but, well...

I saw Frank the other day in Lord
& Taylor at the jewelry counter.

He was spending quite a bit
of money on some earrings.

Now, we all know Vicky in accounting
told him to go to hell last week, so...

I hate to suggest this, but I was just wondering
maybe if, he was buying something for you.

That...
that couldn't be possible?

Jim, what were you doing in Lord & Taylor?

Shopping for Doris.

Shopping for Doris.

Shopping for Doris.

You don't think that I...

We made a pact, Murphy.

I know.

A pact.

Pacts are very important.

Pacts should never, ever be broken.

Except in special circumstances, and
even then it would be bad.

You sound a little bit defensive.

Why would you say I sound defensive?

Why would you ask?

I've got to go now.

Bye, Jim.

Bye, Murphy.
I'll leave these notes on your desk.

Dear Lord!

Jim.

Which do you like better
for the party tonight,

An old-fashioned Christmas by Andy
Williams or Jim Nabors in the Holy Land?

Not now, Corky.

Why are you in such a hurry?

Ask Murphy.

Ask Frank.

By the way, do you
have a pair of isotoners?

Yes.

Why?

Oh, no reason.

Here you go, Miles.

Phil's contribution to your
Christmas charity drive.

Thanks, Phil.

But please, it's not a
Christmas charity drive.

It's a non-sectarian,
non-denominational, holiday charity drive.

Is it tax-deductible?

Yes.

Then you call it anything you want.

I call it genius, Phil.

I recognized a great
idea, and I ran with it.

And look at the results.

Everyone on the show has
contributed. And for the last two

weeks, the office has been
stress-free and full of holiday cheer.

Get up off your butt, Miles.

We've got a big problem.

What are you talking about?

I just found out what's going on.

Murphy, Frank, and Jim are out buying
presents right now for the whole office.

Oh, come on, Corky.

They wouldn't do that.

We made a deal.

Deal shmeal!

I'm telling you, they're cheating.
And it's not fair.

The whole office is
going to think I don't care.

Well, I'm not going to
let that happen, Miles.

When the chips are down, I
can shop as fast as anyone.

Corky!

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

We made a pact, and we can't go back on it.

Someone's got to show
a little integrity here.

Oh, that's great, Miles.

Just what Earl in the
mailroom wants for Christmas.

A big box of integrity.

The man has a g*n rack in his trunk.

Go ahead.

Join the masses.

Miles Silverberg does not cave in.

Pretty gutsy decision, Miles.

This is what's wrong with the world, Phil.

When people think the rules don't
apply to them, you have nothing but chaos.

I refuse to buy presents.

Even if I'm the only one not
participating, I'll be making a statement.

People will say, he didn't give in.

Not Miles Silverberg.

The boss.

The Jewish boss.

The only one who didn't buy Christmas
presents for anyone in the office.

Oh, God!

Miles!

Hi!

How you doing?

Just great, Frank.

What do you got there?
Groceries?

What?

Oh, these are...
it's, uh, uh, for my family.

Good, Frank.

First you cheat, and then you lie.

Nice way to celebrate
the birth of your lord.

Phil, give me a beer.

Ah, those last-minute Christmas
shopping's pretty thirsty work, huh, Frank?

It wasn't my fault.

I bought one lousy present for Murphy.

She's the one who
bought for the office staff.

I hate this holiday, having such anxiety.

I bought the same thing for
everybody, but... I'm not sure.

What is it?

Thirty pre-wrapped coffee mugs showing the
Peanuts characters in the Nativity scene.

It's the thought that counts, Frank.

Although you might consider
getting a Hanukkah gift for Miles.

He's kind of sensitive
about this Christmas thing.

Especially since he found out you guys
are all buying presents for each other.

What are you talking about?

We're not buying anything for each other.
We have an agreement.

You had an agreement.

What you have now is 20 minutes
before the drugstore on the corner close.

Oh, this is unbelievable.

The drugstore, again.

Every year, it's the same damn thing.

There is no escaping destiny, Phil.

Don't even try.

Good news, Frank.
Your gift just came.

Not now.

What's the matter with Frank?

He just found out he has to
buy gifts for Corky, Miles and Jim.

What?

What's he doing that for?
We agreed we wouldn't.

We made a promise.

Gee, somebody in
Washington broke a promise.

I'm stunned.

I don't believe this.

Where am I gonna get presents for them now?

I've really had it with this holiday.

Why couldn't those three wise men
have just taken the family out to dinner?

Miles.

Jim, hi.

What are you doing here?

Oh, nothing much, just
picking up a few odds and ends.

What are you doing here?

The same.

Odds and ends, bits
and pieces, this and that.

Corky.

Well, hello there, Corky.

Look who's here, Miles.

Corky.

Hi there, Corky.

Wrapping paper's on sale.

That's why I'm here.

For wrapping paper.
Nothing more.

Oh, really?

You wouldn't by any chance
be buying gifts, would you?

For people you know?

People you work with?

Why do you ask, Corky?

Any particular reason you're in
this store now, looking half-crazed?

Committing some sort of
drive-by shopping, are you?

Oh, you two don't fool me for one second.

I know what you're doing.

You're buying Christmas
presents for me, aren't you?

Of all the rotten, low, inconsiderate...

And you're not doing the same,
shame on you. We had an agreement.

Oh, nice agreement.

I know you bought me something, Jim.

Admit it.
You bought me something.

I didn't buy you anything, Miles.

Sure, fine. Don't buy the Jewish
guy a Christmas gift. See if I care.

Five minutes to blast off.

You've got time to buy a card.

That's all.

We saw you Frank. We all saw you.

Guys, what a surprise.

Oh, drop the act.

We all know what you're up to.

You're buying gifts for Christmas.

And what are you all doing?
Looking for chapstick?

Look, I'm not gonna take the heat for this.

I want it on record.
This is all Murphy's fault.

Four minutes!

Time's a-wasting!

Hi, Murphy.

Doing a little shopping?

Well, I hope you all have
an explanation for this.

I think we were just about
to ask you the same question.

Who are those gnomes for, Murphy?

What lucky person here is about to become
the proud owner of this little fella?

Gee, I hope it's me.

I'll put him on my bed
stand where I can see

him every night, and
maybe I'll name him Waldo.

You've got a lot of nerve, Jim.

Ceramic asparagus?

No home is complete without
one of these little beauties.

That was for you, Murphy.

But since you obviously don't care for
this gift, maybe you'd like to accompany

me to Tiffany's where we can pick
out a nice big crown for Her Majesty.

I don't have to do that.

I'll just take this lovely
rodent cookie jar.

Don't touch that.

That's for Corky.

You're giving me a rodent cookie jar?

That's what you think of me?

That I'm the sort of person who'd like to
stick my hand in a rat's head for a cookie?

Cheer up, Corky.

At least he didn't buy you this.

♫ Miles k*lled a gnome. ♫

Shut up.

What are you, a loudspeaker?

They're not broken.

Look, they're modular.

This head can go with this body,

and now, this one doesn't
have any legs, so he could be

peeing out of this little knot hole.

All right, nobody move.

Who is responsible for this?

He is! He dropped it!

All right, you, come with me.

We're gonna pay a
little visit to the manager.

This is an outrage!

I hardly touch them!

They're defective!

I'm telling you!

They hate the mugs.

I knew this would happen.

Quit whining, Frank.

At least you got them something.

Of course, I could always
hand out these gnome parts.

That would be good, now that I'm
the proud owner of the entire colony.

Okay, that's it.

Seven o'clock.

Party's over.

Now, if you'll all
excuse me, I think I'll go

home and hang myself
from the Christmas tree.

Eldin, what are you doing here?

Hey, greetings, everybody.

Listen, I'm not gonna be at your
place later, so I just decided to stop

by and give you a little something
in celebration of this joyous season.

Oh, no, not another present.

I can't deal with this.

Take it back.

Whatever it is, I don't want it.

You know, it's always such a
treat to do something nice for you.

Will you just take
it so I can get out of here?

Thank you.

Happy holidays.

Better not be a bill.

A donation has been made in your
name to the Campbell Home for Children.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah, well, you know, people get all nuts
at Christmas buying stuff for everybody.

I think that it, um, takes away
from the true meaning of Christmas.

Of course, not everybody
feels that way, so, uh, if you're

disappointed, it's not a
cheese basket or something...

No, Eldin.

I think this is a pretty terrific gift.

Well, hey, I'd love to
stick around, but this

party's getting a
little too wild for me.

Hey, hey, people, calm down.

Somebody's gonna get hurt here.

Come on Eldin, stay and have some punch.

Sorry, but, um, I gotta get to the home.

I'm gonna help cook Christmas
Eve dinner for the little ones.

You never told me about this.

Well, it's just something I do.

It makes me feel good.

And it's more enjoyable
than sitting in your living room

watching you throw water
balloons at Christmas carolers.

Joyous Noel to everybody.

Merry Christmas!

Look at us. How did we get so far
away from what we set out to do?

It's Christmas.
I don't want to be mad at you guys.

I don't want to be mad either.

I've never been mad on any major holiday.

I'd like to point out that we raised
quite a bit of money for charity.

We should be feeling good.

At least we got that right.

I say we do exactly the same thing
next year and really stick to our promise.

Good, because I've been
banned from that drugstore for life.

Well, guys, I guess I'll see you next week.

Happy holidays.

I really mean it.

Merry Christmas, Murphy.

I think I'll just check the
address of the Campbell home.

In case Eldin needs an extra pair of hands.

Gee, Murph, you in a
kitchen with kids nearby?

It sounds kind of dangerous to me.

Maybe I'd better go along with you.

You know, that place is right
on my way home, more or less.

I think I'll stop by.

Doris doesn't expect me home for a while.

I'm coming, too.

I know something really fun
we can do on the way over.

We can sing the 12 Days of Christmas.

I know all the words.

You know, most people get
stuck on ten lords a-leaping.

Corky, I don't mean to correct
you, but it's nine lords a-leaping.

No, no, no.

It's nine swans are swimming, eight
ladies dancing, seven lords a-leaping.

Six lords a-leaping. Not six, nine.

I've been singing that song for 40 years.

It's definitely seven, it has to be.

Come on, let's just sing the song.

♪ Mmmmm mmmm ♪

♪ Dreidel dreidel dreidel I made it out of clay ♪

♪ and when it's dry and
ready...♪ [Hannuka children song]