03x15 - Hoarse Play

[bunniefuu]

Miles, we've got a big problem.

Murphy's on the phone in my
office and she won't let me in.

She's yelling and
screaming, and I'm afraid she's

going to destroy my
First Lady doll collection.

She already bit the head
off of Mary Todd Lincoln.

I don't understand, Corky.

Why is Murphy using
the phone in your office?

Excuse me?

Could somebody please explain
how a 120-pound woman could destroy

a phone that's been tested
under 3,000 pounds of pressure?

What does she do?

Take it out of the parking lot?

Drive a car over it?

Oh, boy, I'm sorry, Pete.

I guess Murphy's having a rough day.

Yeah, well, I'm running out of phones.

That woman needs her whole
button pop, if you know what I mean.

Morning, Pete.

Oh, I see she got another one.

Poor little fella never had a chance.

Hey, guys, is Pete still here?

I had a little accident.

All right, that's it.

Miles, I want a deadbolt
on my door by noon.

Murphy, this has got to stop.

Building Services says
the next time it happens,

they're gonna make you
use the payphone in the lobby.

Is that what you want?

You're right, Miles.

I shouldn't get so excited.

So what if my story on the
education crisis is in the toilet?

What do you mean it's in the toilet?

We screened a rough cut two days
ago, and we all thought it looked great.

Well, I don't.

That's why I'm trying
to reach President Bush.

I need to confront the "Education President"
on camera, and then we'll have a story.

But the White House keeps
giving me the runaround.

Murphy, are you sure you're not letting
your ego get the better of you here?

Oh, please, Jim.

Since when has my ego ever been a problem?

Must have been in the cafeteria.

Murphy, if you really think you
need a statement from Bush,

why don't you just go to the President's
press conference on Friday?

You won't get an interview,
but at least you'll get a quote.

Good one, Miles.

Very good.

Right, Murph.
Go to the press conference.

What?
What's the big joke?

How come I'm the only
one who doesn't get it?

Don't feel stupid, Miles.
I don't get it either.

Oh, good.
That makes me feel much better.

All right.
We'll just see who has the last laugh.

I'm calling the White House
for a press pass right now.

Yeah, right.

They're never gonna let you in.

Of course they'll let her in.
Why wouldn't they let her in?

Because she was banned from White
House press conferences ten years ago.

What was the official reason?

Malicious mischief with intent
to inflict bodily harm, wasn't it?

Oh, come on, Jim.

That was a totally trumped-up
charge, and you know it.

Press credentials?

This is Murphy Brown.

I need a pass for Friday.

Yeah, I'll hold.

Bodily harm?

What did you do?

Every time I asked Reagan a
tough question, he'd do that little

hand-to-his-ear thing, like a
helicopter was landing in the press room.

Then he'd give me that aw-shucks
grin and move on to the next reporter.

I had to do something.

When Reagan ignored her again, She
asked him that Grecian formula question.

The man actually stopped
breathing for a minute.

When the Secret Service came
after her, she tried to create a

diversion by yelling that Helen
Thomas had a g*n in her purse.

Okay, I admit I went a little overboard,
but it's a different administration.

I'm sure they've forgotten all about that.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is she.

Oh, come on.

That was ten years ago,
you bunch of elephants.

Don't you forget anything.

Oh, forget it, Murph.

It's no big deal, so you don't have a quote. I
saw the piece. It's terrific just the way it is.

What's the matter, Frank?

You don't think I can get in?

And who took only 15
minutes to get us two fabulous

seats to tonight's sold-out
Aretha Franklin concert?

Murph, a presidential
press conference is a little

harder to get into than
an Aretha Franklin concert.

Well, it shouldn't be.

The man can't sing
"Respect" to save his life.

I am telling you, you're
never gonna get in.

Okay, Frank, you wanna make a bet?

Put your money where your mouth is.

Ten bucks.

Ten bucks says you can't do it.

Ten bucks?

You call that a bet?

Okay, twenty.

Fifty.

Please, Murphy, Frank.

This is childish.

A hundred dollars.

That's a man's bet.

Okay, you're on.

All right, who else wants
to lose some money?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

I want this stopped right now.

We should be supporting
each other, not placing

wagers on whether one
of us succeeds or fails.

Five to one says she can't do it.

Sorry, Murphy, but baby
needs a new pair of pumps.

Hey, I mean it!

I mean it!

This story is my number
one concern right now.

Now, Murphy, are you sure you can get in?

Not only will I get in, I'm going
to get a quote, and then, just for a

little thrill, I'm going to leave a
kick me sign on John Sununu's butt.

Good.

Now that that's taken care of,
let's make some easy money!



Hey, I want you to get me a list of everyone
in the White House press office who's been

married for more than 7 years and let me know
if any of them have joined a gym recently.

What do you want to know that for?

You show me a guy who's joined a
gym after seven years of marriage

and I'll show you a guy who's
found a new reason to keep in shape.

And when I find out her
name, I found my way in.

Mmm, I taste victory.

All right, all right, all right, calm down.

I'm having a hard time understanding you.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay, I'll give it to her
as soon as she gets in.

No, thank you.

Yes!

Jimbo, Corkster!

How deep are those pockets today?

Because you're gonna be
digging all the way to the bottom.

It's payoff time.

What are you talking about, Miles?

I'm talking about the press conference.

The press conference that
your colleague and mine,

Murphy Brown, has just
been cleared to attend.

I don't believe it.

How did this happen?

Some guy from the press office just told me
there's a pass waiting for Murphy at the door.

And to make sure she
knows that he's going to

stop seeing Debbie
right after the weekend.

So pay up, guys.

Well, all right.

But this is a dubious achievement, Miles.

The woman blackmailed her way in.

And besides, it doesn't mean
she'll get to ask Bush a question.

Are you doubting of Murphy?

Of course you'll get to ask him a question.

In fact, I'm willing to put money on it.

What about you?

Double or nothing.

Baby could also use a
great big bottle of Chanel.

You're on.

Oh, look who's here.

Frank the Loser, Montana.

That's right, you owe me many dollars.

Murphy got into the press conference.

What?

Do not despair.

I'm willing to make you an offer.

Certain people who shall
remain nameless doubt

whether Murphy will get
to ask Bush a question.

Double or nothing says she will.

Double or nothing, huh?

If she gets to ask Bush a question.

I don't know, I don't know.

It sounds kind of risky to me,
but okay, okay, you are on.

Kiss your money goodbye,
Frank, and congratulations, Murphy.

How does it feel to be
back into the White House?

It feels great, Miles.

Why are you talking like that?

Why is she talking like that?

Well, somebody got a little
excited at Aretha's concert last night.

She was singing so loud,
she threw off the band.

Isn't that right, Murphy?

It's no big deal.

I just strain my voice a little.

It's not that bad.

Not that bad?

The press conference is in two days.

How are you going to ask Bush a
question with a lawnmower in your throat?

You knew, Frank.

You knew, and you doubled the bet.

Just wait till I assign
the new parking spaces.

You're gonna be so far away, you're
gonna need a passport to get to work.

Don't you think you're
blowing this out of proportion?

Come'on everybody.

Let's go buy a lottery ticket.

I feel lucky.

Yeah.

Murphy, I can't believe you did this.

I'm gonna call a doctor right now.

No.

No, I'll be fine in a couple of hours.

Uh, Miss Brown?

I'm so sorry I'm late.

I'm Claude Phelps, your new secretary.

Hello, Claude.

Nice to meet you.

That's your desk.

Let me know if you need anything.

All right.

I need you to punish me.

What!

I've been a bad boy.

A very bad boy.

I was late.

I should be punished.

Look, I really don't have time for this.

Oh, I get it.

You're making me wait for it.

Good, good.

I like that.

Oh.., and that thing you're doing
with your voice, that's very exciting.

That's it.

Call a doctor.

You're whistling.

That's good.

Means it isn't serious, right?

If it were serious, you
wouldn't be whistling.

So you're obviously not concerned
about those little red bumps back there.

You do see them, don't you?

Right back there?

Right underneath that little hanging thing?

Hey, hey, hey!

Do you want me to give you a shot?

I have needles in my bag.

You're right, you're right.

I'll get out of your way.

Geez, I hope you don't bring this guy
along when you come in for your pap smear.

Okay, Murphy, shut your mouth.

Boy, do I enjoy saying that.

Funny, Elliot.

You must be a riot in surgery.

You always have to have
the last word, don't you?

Well, now it's my turn.

You have a severe
inflammation of the vocal cords.

And every time you speak,
you aggravate the condition.

How long is she going to be like this?

Unfortunately for us, only a few days.

A few days!

You don't know what you're talking about.

The man doesn't even have a license.

He's got a big picture
of a duck over his desk.

Keep it up, Murphy.

The more you talk, the
longer it's gonna last.

Dr. Bishop, Murphy has to be at
a press conference in two days.

Isn't there anything you can give her?

Aside from a muzzle?

Look, what she really needs is
to give those cords time to heal.

That means for the next 48
hours, she can't say a word.

Nothing.

Nada.

Zero.

Zip.

Zip.

You know, I haven't had
this much fun since I figured

out how to ride off my
sailboat as medical equipment.

Bye.

Come back here, you horse doctor.

Why don't you just spay
me while you're ...?

What are you doing?

Didn't you just hear what the man said?

No talking!

I thought you really
wanted that quote, right?

There's a lot riding on this.

That's more like it.

I want you to do
everything that doctor says.

Do you think you can handle that?

Okay.

Let's go out there and tell
everybody what's going on.

Oh, Miss Brown, you remember
that letter you asked me to type?

Well, it completely slipped my mind.

Isn't that awful?

I've been so naughty.

Murphy!

People!

I'd like to make an announcement.

Murphy has an inflammation
of the vocal cords, and the

doctor has ordered her not
to speak for the next 48 hours.

Ohhhh!

Stop it!

Well, thank you, but next
time, wait till I'm a little closer.

I still have some hearing left in one ear.

Hello?

Can I help you?

Yeah, this is her house.

No, she can't talk right now.

She blew her voice out a couple days ago.

Who can I say is calling?

Joel Jordan from the Presidential
Committee on Education?

Well, Joel, congratulations.

That certainly got a reaction out of her.

So, you're working on education, huh?

Maybe you can answer a question for me.

What was the point of Tetherball?

What were we supposed to learn from that?

Huh?

Well, you don't know either.

All right.

Ah, she's ready.

Okay.

The lady needs to know
the results of the national

education survey that
you've been conducting.

Okay, Joel.

All right, he says you're
gonna have to wait

the results coming out next week.

No, she's not very happy about that.

Uh-huh.

No, she doesn't have a lot of patience.

No, I'm not her husband.
What a horrible thought.

Huh?

Uh-huh.

Alright.

Ah, a bulletin.

Okay.

Just give me something,
you will be any mouse.

What's that?
I don't know what that means.

Anonymous.
Well, thank you very much.

Now, I look like a fool
telling the man he'll be any mouse.

Yeah.

Yeah, Joel, I'm still here.

I'm still here.

The answer is still no.

Oh, great.

Now she's mad she's
gonna take it out on me.

Huh?

Oh, Joel, yes, Joel, I realize
that that's not your problem,

but, uh, there's no reason
to get all snippy about it.

Joel?

Joel, may I tell you
something in confidence?

Are you listening, Joel?

You see what you made me do?

And the Bernecky's were
never a violent people.

I'll get that, and if it's
a Jehovah's Witness,

I'm just going to
stand there and listen.

That's how bad I feel.

Hi, Eldin.

Yeah, yeah.

How's Murphy?

She hasn't said anything today?

Not a word, but don't let it fool you.

It's not as pleasant an
experience as one might think.

Good luck.

Hey there, Murphy.

How's it going?

Oh, come on.

You're not still mad at me for
sending you home yesterday, are you?

I just couldn't let you
keep firing off that starter's

p*stol every time you
wanted a new pot of tea.

The whole office was getting the shakes.

What do you want?

I just wanted to make
sure you were all right.

And I'm sure when you
go to that press conference

tomorrow morning,
you'll be in terrific voice.

But just to be on the safe side,

bought you some methylated cough drops,

Chinese Tiger Balm chest
rub, vitamin C, B6, B12,

and Ms. Iron, just because you're a woman.

Murphy, Murphy, Murphy,
you don't have to thank me.

Seeing you get better
is all the thanks I need.

Worried about your lousy bet?

Murphy!
I am shocked!

You think I'm here just
because of a stupid bet?

That hurts me deeply.

Okay.

Okay.

I know this is frustrating.

I know how tempting it
must be to want to talk,

so that awful feeling of
not knowing would go away

and we could all get a good night's sleep.

But talking now would be wrong.

Clearly against doctor's orders.

Not that medicine is an exact science.

I heard a funny joke today.

Knock, knock.

Sorry, sorry.

Okay, so I guess I should
go and leave you to heal.

Have a good night, Murphy.

Although, I could stay overnight.

I have pajamas in the back...

Miles, will you get the hell out of here?

You talked!

You can talk!

This is so great, Murphy!

A perfect voice!

A normal voice!

Oh, I'm so happy!

Don't say another word.

You save it for tomorrow.

I'm gone.

I'm out of here.

Maybe just one little: "bye
Miles", so that we can...

Okay, go ahead.

That's it?

Just go ahead?

Come on, John, don't you want to announce
me? I haven't been back in ten years.

I remember.

You're lucky I don't do a strip search.

Now move on.

I'm walking in.

Hey, Bill, Ted, how are you doing?

Oh, no.

We finally got rid of Donaldson
and now the other Big Mouth is back.

What's the matter, Murphy?

An hour of prime time on FYI
every week isn't enough for you?

You have to come down here and
try to steal my lousy minute and a half?

Nice seeing you, too.

Geez, I'd forgotten how
hostile the boys can be

when one of us wants
to get into the clubhouse.

How do you stand it?

My God, could that hair be any bigger?

You better not be sitting in front of me.

Oh, good, you're in the last row.

Attention, please.

This is your 30-second warning.

Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry.

Oh, hi, Murphy.

What?

You're not gonna give me a
hard time like everybody else?

I'm sorry, I'm just
a little bit distracted.

My wife is about to have our first kid.

Oh, wow, Alan, that's great.

Listen, if you want to switch
seats, I'm in the back row.

That way you'll be near the
door in case anything happens.

Well, gee, thanks, Murphy.

Have you tried this on everyone,
or do I just look exceptionally stupid?

Ladies and gentlemen, the
President of the United States.

Morning, everyone.

I won't be making an
opening statement today.

So, why don't we just
go to the first question?

Yes.

In the continuing instability of the Soviet
republics, do you feel the need to reaffirm

the security of the borders of the Western
European nations, in particular, Poland?

Well, we have recognized under Helsinki
existing borders, and I have no...

reiterating that, but whether
that requires some kind of

international action on it, I
just have no judgment on that.

Excuse me, Mr. President.

Do you feel comfortable with
your environmental package,

even though there is no call for a specific
reduction in carbon dioxide emissions

by a specific date, as some
of our allies have done?

We didn't give it time.

Tough question.

Who wrote that?

His Republican mother?

Mr. President!

Uh, Jerry, and then, uh, then Helen.

No, right here.

Come on, have a look.

Uh, then Charles, then we'll see.

Aw, jeez, what do I have to do?

sh**t off a flare?

Yes, in the back.

It's about time.

Mr. President, do you feel that...
Do you mind he was pointing at me?

No, I wasn't.

I was pointing at Bill.

Go ahead, Bill.

There are still a number of Republicans
who are very upset...

Why do you stand it?

He never calls on the back row.

Why do you even show up?

There's free food.

How do you reconcile your new position
with those critics within your own party?

I was elected to try and fulfill a
platform and programs I believe in.

That's my personal choice.

That doesn't mean I have
a lack of respect for others.

... whatever...whatever it happens to be...
Oh, my God!!

My wife's in labor.

I gotta go.

That's more likely.

Next question, please.

Oh, jeez, what do I have to do already?

You have to stop waving
your hand in my face.

I see you, Murphy.

I'd have to be blind to miss you.

You confirm, as
recent publications have

reported, that there is
some disagreement...

It's a little harder than
FYI, isn't it, Murphy?

You don't get to sit in your cushy little
chair with your makeup and your lighting.

Down here in the pits,
it's every man for himself.

Oh, give me a break.

I earned my stripes
just like everybody else.

Don't blame me just because
you're a lox on camera.

Yes, sir, Mr. President.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I wasn't looking.

That's not fair.

He distracted me.

You did that on purpose, you cheater?

All right, now.

Settle down, Murphy.

Come on, it was my turn.

Admit it.

Let me see that question you have!

Give that back.

Ha!

You call that a question?

I was asking tougher stuff
than this on a high school paper.

Why don't you just ask
him his favorite color?

No wonder you're still a print journalist.

You have a lot of nerve.

And I suppose it was Hugh
Downs that broke Watergate.

- Oh, don't make me laugh!
- It was the print journalism!

Looks like the only way we're gonna get
out of here is let Murphy ask her question.

This better be good.

I don't have all day.

Thanks for coming.

If I ever see her in here
again, you're history.