01x07 - Annabelle

[bunniefuu]

Okay, so there isn't
really a system for the fridge.

Everything's up for grabs.

Uh. Oh, except don't touch
the Danimals.

Those are Samir's.

-My turn.
-[Issa] Through here
is the living room.

Um, guys, guys,
this is Annabelle.

She's crashing with us
this weekend from out of town.

-What's up?
-Hi.

-Hello.
-They're normally way more fun.

Okay,
go put your stuff upstairs.

Um, my room is the one
with the complicated energy.

[Annabelle] Hmm.

Yeah, you'll find it.

-[Anton humming]
-Well, she seems sweet.

Okay, so Annabelle is pregnant

and she is here
for her ab*rtion,

which I have like
zero time for. [sighs]

-I'm sorry, what?
-I volunteered to house
an ab*rtion teen

from out of state
because I'm doing my part,

but I need you to do your part
of my part and watch her
this weekend.

It is tech week
for Popcorn Forest, Paul Baker.

It's my student's recital,
and it's a mess.

Like, Abby F doesn't know
how to Vogue.

-So...
-Babe, this is, like,
my one weekend off. I...

Oh. And I'm bringing Billie in
to assistant-teach the class.

This is, like, her first time
leaving the house
since Mr. Teacher.

So it's, like, would you rather
her lie in bed all day

and listen to
the Hurricane Sandy concert,
'cause she will do it.

-No, I don't. [scoffs]
None of us want that.
-Yeah.

But Anton and I
have plans, like, this...

Okay. It's fine. I'll help him.

-We'll watch her together.
-Thanks.

Thank you so much.
I will thank you
in the playbill.

-[Anton] Hmm.
-It costs $50.

I really need that.

[gasps] Wait, you look cute.
Where are you going?

Huh? Oh, me?

Going upstate for the weekend.

You know, with Carly.

We've been hanging out again.

-[Anton] Ooh.
-[gasps] Upstate.

Wow.

Yeah, it's a big deal.
I bought a sweater.

I'm nervous.

But remember, the first
weekend away with someone
is very crucial, okay?

-[Samir] Mm-hmm.
-Don't Samir this.

Okay, don't...
don't verb my name at me.

-I'm not gonna f*ck it up.
-[Anton] No.

-No. God, no.
-No. Of course, not. Never.

[gasps] Oh, wait. She's coming.
Hey, big, strong girl.

-Hi.
-Hey.

Hi.

You brushed your hair.

-You look so clean.
-[Samir] Yeah.

Guys, I got dumped.
It's not terminal.

-Totally.
-Mmm.

Okay, wait, why is there
a teenage girl
stripping your bed?

Oh. That's an Anton
and Paul Baker plotline now,
but, uh, we gotta go.

Bye.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Bye.

Annabelle, put your pj's on.

-It's time for bed.
-[chuckles]

[♪♪ theme music plays]

Now ballet run around,
ballet run around,

ballet run until you're popcorn
on the ground.

Now sizzle, sizzle,
sizzle, pop.

Now sizzle, sizzle,
sizzle, pop.
Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle, pop.

Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle, pop.

Now step...

Okay, guys, eyes on me,
eyes on me.

So it's step, twirl,
step again, okay?

Great. That's gorgeous.

Also, Kenzie, if you don't
believe you're Princess Kernel,
no one will, okay?

[Madison] Ms. Issa, I'm hungry.

Oh, my God,
Madison, I am starving.

Thank God you said something.

Okay, Jack, take my phone,
get a group order going.

You know what everyone likes.

-Okay. Fun, right?
-[Billie] Yeah.

No, it's, um...
it's really elaborate.

I know. They're so good
with story structure.

-It blows my mind.
I just can't believe...
-[Daryn] Excuse me.

She looks like my mom.

-Awe.
-Oh. Uh.

Is she happy?

-Billie.
-[knocks on door]

-Issa, um, hey,
have you got a minute?
-[Issa] Mm-hmm?

Yeah. Um, okay, guys, uh,
sip some water, rehydrate.

Jack, get me a spinach roll.

'Cause when I come back
we're gonna run
the woodland sequence, okay?

-Billie, you'll watch them.
-I-Iss, I don't know
if I can...

Issa.

Hi.

Oh. Yeah, question.

Are you a stranger?

We've got this, I promise.

-Yeah?
-Yes.

Guiding troubled youth
through hardship is, like...
It's really my calling.

My high school
guidance counselor was fired

because I basically made
him redundant, so...

I thought they caught him
filming the swim team changing.

And also he was filming
the swim team changing,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, but watch this. Watch,
just watch this space.

Annabelle, Annabelle,
Bella, Belly, hi.

So, I don't want to
overhype it,

but I do think you really
lucked out having us
as your ab*rtion dads.

We are very fun.

And low-key.

Cool. Um, so, uh,
your appointment's
tomorrow at noon,

but I thought
maybe before then we could
do a little spa day, you know?

I want pizza,
and I wanna see Wicked.

Um. We can't... I don't think
we can afford Wicked,
to be honest.

-But...
-What can you afford?

Um...

Just, uh, the pizza.

Uh, and, uh,
there's a Froyo place
where you can pay by weight.

-Yes. Yes.
-We can afford that.

Okay. My friend came
to New York for her ab*rtion.

She got to see
Sarah Jessica Parker's house.

She got to see
Sarah Jessica Parker's house.
-Oh.
-So, I mean...

-Oh.
-So, I mean...

I don't know who that is.

What?

-What?
-Well, can I see
where 9/11 was filmed?

[Troy] Okay,
so you know I'm obsessed
with Licorice Pizza.

-Popcorn Forest.
-Right.

It's just now the board
is beginning to worry.

The board? About what?

The kids literally wrote
the show themselves.

-It's exactly that,
it turns out. Uh.
-Troy.

These recitals
aren't really for the kids.

You know that, right?

It's mainly for the parents,
for them to have something
to film.

Terribly for Instagram.

-No, that's...
-You should do
Swan Lake again.

It's such a crowd pleaser.

What? No, no, no, no, no,
you can't do that.

These kids have worked
on this show for months.

Do you know how long months is
for a 3rd grader?

It's like half their life.

Issa, I'm sorry,
but at the end of the day,

your show just isn't
that serious.

The Popcorn Forest
is deadly serious.

Popcorn Forest is
about veil reform...

Popcorn Forest is
about veil reform...
-Issa.
-...and Ukraine.

-Issa.
-...and Ukraine.

It's done.

I'm sorry, it's done.

Thanks for the note, Troy.

Thanks for the note, Troy.
I'll take you up on that.

I'll take you up on that.

It's a lock-in.

We're doing a lock-in.

[Carly] Oh, yeah,
that's a house.

Yeah.

That's... It's actually...
It's not even a house.

It's actually...
It's a stunning cabin
in the heart of Phoenicia.

-Oh.
-Yeah, with Debbie R.
She's a super host.

-[Carly] Well, yeah, she is.
-Yeah.

-Oh, yeah.
-[Samir] Wow.

-That's a plop.
-[Samir] That's a plop.

-You gotta plop.
-[Samir] Okay.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

[Carly] Wow. I haven't been
upstate in, like, five years.

[Carly continues, indistinct]

So, um, what should we do?

Uh. Just, like, nature stuff.

-Nature stuff?
-Nature stuff.

I'm gonna go freshen up.

-Okay.
-Okay.

I'm just gonna be here reading
The Case for Nationalism.

[Carly, Samir] Oh.

Debbie.

Why is it square?

Actually, Annabelle,
Sicilian is having a moment.

-So, yeah.
-Yeah. That's true.

So do you just, like, agree
with everything he says?

Hmm? Oh, no, no,
this is my favorite spot.

'Cause, you know,
he's probably not that cool,
right?

He's just kind of cool
relative to you.

-Uh. Jesus, you finished?
-Oh, my God.

That was delish, right?
Let's go get some pedicures.

I didn't come all the way
to New York for a pedicure.

I can get my nails painted
back home.

Wow, something you can
get done back home.

[Paul] Okay. Hey, real quick.

-[Annabelle] Oh, my. Oh, wow.
-Crazy.

[Paul] Okay. Yeah.

Hey, I don't know
what's happening here,

but we're gonna bring
the temperature down.

-Yeah.
-We can't let her get to us.

I know, but this-this
never happens, okay?

Teenagers are usually obsessed
with me, but this one is just,
like, vile.

I know, but she's clearly just
going through it right now.

But in the meantime,
we gotta stay strong.

It's you and me, okay?

We are Mount Everest.

We are solid, unshakable.

Tall.

-You're right. Okay. I'm calm.
-Yeah?

-And I'm tall.
-Yeah.

We can't let
a 16-year-old break us, right?

-Fine, okay.
-Yeah?

So do you guys smoke weed
or do you dress like slobs
just for the sake of it?

[Anton scoffs]

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

No popcorn, no peace.

No popcorn, no peace.

-Issa? Issa, open the door.
-No popcorn, no peace.

-No popcorn, no peace.
-I know you can hear me.
Open the door!

-No Popcorn, no peace.
-Okay, guys,
louder and prouder.

Except for you, Hayden.
You're doing great.

He's nonverbal.

Iss, Iss, what exactly
is the plan here?

Okay, well,
I stole the studio keys.

So that no one's getting in.

And we have some juice boxes

in the mini fridge
because Ava is diabetic.

-Thank God.
-Okay, Iss,
it's just a kids' show.

It's not just a kids' show.

Guys, guys, is Popcorn Forest
just a kids' show?

What's Popcorn Forest?

What?

Daryn, you literally wrote
the final pas de deux.

Okay, Issa, they're gonna
call the parents, okay?

-You could get fired.
-Okay, so?

Why is everything with you
like, "Oh, my God,
what if I get fired?

Oh, my God,
what if I get in trouble?"
Like, get in trouble, Bills.

Make a mess for something
you care about,

like... [grunts] ...throw-throw
some crayons at the wall.

[kids cheer] Yeah!

Okay, somebody
has to take care of this.

Okay, somebody
has to take care of this.
Billie, Billie, no, no, no!

Billie, Billie, no, no, no!

No! Billie, please stop.
Billie, do not open that door.

Billie, seriously. [gasps]

Ms. Issa,

do we live here now?

Madison, I'm obsessed with you,
but I'm not in the mood.

[sighs]

Thank you
for a wonderful meal, Anton.

Thank you for saying
thank you, Paul Baker.

Pass the hot sauce.

Huh. Annabelle, could
we try asking that another way,
maybe with a "please"?

Could you please shave
your shitty porn 'stache?

You look like you belong
on Dateline as a pedophile.

Okay, language, Annabelle.

Suck my bush.

-He's said, "language!"
-Okay, hey.

Hey, guys, let's...
let's cool off.

Hey, guys, let's...
let's cool off.
I hate you two.

I hate you two.

I wish I was having
this ab*rtion at
Sarah Jessica Parker's house!

Okay, Annabelle!

We all wish we were having
this ab*rtion at Sarah Jessica
Parker's house, okay?

With Matthew and Andy
and Brooke Shields
and Marci f*cking Klein.

f*ck you! You are
the least interesting gays
I have ever met!

Hey, he is fluid!

You know what is wrong
with you guys?

You know what is wrong
with you guys?
You think nice is a personality
when really it's the absence
of one.

You think nice is a personality
when really it's the absence
of one.

And you keep saying
your sweater is vintage,
but I saw it at Target.

[Paul] Everest, Anton. Everest.

-Who f*cked you, Annabelle?
-Shh.

-Who f*cked you?
-[Paul] Everest, Anton.

-Target has some nice things.
-[Paul] Everest. Everest.

It's a designer collab,
Annabelle. Heard of that?

Okay. Okay. She gets it.

Shh. It's okay now.

Oh, my God.

[grunts]

f*ck.

Where's the plunger? Plunger.

Debbie.

Don't freak out.
I'm starting to freak out.

I'm starting to freak out.
Do not freak out.

I'm chill. sh*t like this
happens all the time.

I'm gonna k*ll myself.

That means nothing to me.

[all chanting] Popcorn united.
We'll never be divided.

Popcorn united...

I have it under control.

-Do you?
-This doesn't
look like control.

It doesn't feel like
it's in control.

Hi, uh, I'm helping out today.
I'm Issa's friend.

I just wanna let you know
that the kids
are perfectly safe.

I didn't know that
there was a possibility
of them not being safe, Troy.

-No, no, no.
-Yeah, Issa's just
a little worked up.

But I know that we can find
some common ground here.

Like, uh...

Well, tell your friend that
we don't want our kids
up on stage dressed as popcorn.

Uh-huh. Okay, yeah.
Yeah, heard.

Uh. We can definitely
change up the wardrobe.

That's actually
a really good compromise.

Finally, a grown-up.

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

That actually means a lot.

Um. Let's get into it,
shall we?

Okay, so how do we feel
about mimed g*n violence?

You know what? I heard it
as soon as I said it.

I'm gonna veto that one.

[Paul] Hey, Annabelle.

Annabelle.

Hey, Anton didn't mean that,
okay?

-Yes, I did.
-Shh.

-Look, we just wanna talk.
-[sighs]

Hey.

Wanna smoke some weed?

[door unlocks]

I guess I just wanted
this to be my weekend
in New York, you know?

Not just the weekend
I got an ab*rtion.

Yeah, dude, I totally get that.

When I first moved down here
from Canada,

my expectations were, like,
New York f*cking City,
you know?

Then everything sucked.

I made no money.

I was sleeping
on my buddy's floor
on, like, a towel.

-I got scabies from the towel.
-Ew!

[Annabelle] Oh, my God.

Yeah, but then I got a job.
I met Issa.

I-I met Anton, who's just,
like, the coolest person
I've ever met.

So, it might seem boring
to you right now,

but my advice would be
to just... just keep
an open mind, you know?

Like, New York can mean
a lot of things.

Can I say something?

-[Paul] Yeah, of course.
-Yeah.

I don't really know who
Sarah Jessica Parker is either.

That is okay.

It's not okay.
But yeah, let's forge on.

Also, if I'm really honest?

-Yeah, of course. Please.
-Yeah.

If I had your lives,
I'd abort myself.

-Oh, my God. f*ck you.
-I told you.

-I-I-I literally told you.
-Oh, my God. f*ck you.

She's yours. Have fun.

[pants] Unclog toilet,
no plunger. [pants]

"Lubricate"... I...

Please, please, please, please,
please, please, please.

f*ck.

Okay.

[grunts]

[Carly] Hey, are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

[Carly] Hey, my parents
wanna have you over
for dinner tomorrow.

That's so nice.

-[Carly] Yeah.
Do you eat turkey?
-[gags] Mmm.

[gags]

Please, God. Please, God.
I'll be... I'm gonna blow
my brains out everywhere.

I've never asked you
for anything.

I never f*cking asked you
for anything, please.

f*ck.

No.

-[Carly] Hi.
-Hey.

Oh. You okay?

[stammers]

I-I was just...
I was in the bathroom

and something
very bad happened.

-Oh, no.
-[Samir] Yeah.

And I-I wasn't gonna
say anything, but...
[clears throat]

It's just... It's...
It's gonna affect us all, so...

-No...
-Yeah.

-I know, I know,
I know, I know.
-[Carly] No.

-I... And...
-[Carly] I know.

-I know.
-I know.

-[Samir] Yeah, I know...
-I took... I took a big sh*t.

Sorry, what?

You know, when I went to go
freshen up, but then I didn't.

I just took a big sh*t
and I clogged the toilet
so bad.

And-And then I took
the toilet brush and I was...
I just pushed it.

And-And then I took
the toilet brush and I was...
I just pushed it.
I just... I pushed it.

I just... I pushed it.

-Uh-huh.
-I pushed it down there.

Yeah.

And then I just took
my straightener

and I don't know why,
but I flattened it.

-Yeah.
-And I was just pressing it.

I was pressing it down
like a pancake.

And I tried so hard
not to mess this up,
and then I did.

I did.
I ruined our trip with my sh*t.

No. You're-You're amazing.

You're...

What?

I thought I was gonna
ruin it with my sh*t.

I clogged it too.

I re-clogged it.

-I double clogged it.
-No!

-I double clogged it.
-No!
-Just now.
-No, you didn't.

-Just now.
-No, you didn't.

Yes. Yes. And then
I took conditioner and I tried
to put it in as-as lube.

-No.
-[Samir] I did.

-Wow.
-And then I... [clears throat]

I got a fork and a knife
from the kitchen.

And, Carly,
I was just cutting it.

-[Carly] Oh, my God.
-Yeah. I was
just cutting it up.

-Wait, no.
I should have done that.
-Yeah.

Stick with me, I guess.
Those are the kind
of ideas I have.

Oh. Can I use
your toothbrush tonight?

-Why... Oh.
-Yeah.

Justice if not now, then when?
P-O-P-C-O-R-N.

Guys, trust me,
she's not budging on runtime.

-[scoffs]
-But if you give me
a smoke machine,

I can probably get her
to cut the fight sequence.

Oh, my God.

Let's just fire her.

She clearly doesn't care
about this job.

What? No, Issa loves her job.

It's ridiculous that you have
to defend her like this.

What is she?

A child? This is pathetic.

Justice if not now, then when?

P-O-P-C...

It's a f*cking lock-in.

-[kids gasp]
-Oh, my God. Wait,
how did you get in here?

-Ooh. What?
-[kids cheer]

Issa, I am so sorry.
You were right.

I was such an as*h*le,
and this matters.

This really, really matters.

Aw.

P-O-P-C-O-R-N.
Justice if not now, then when?

-P-O-P-C-O... Oh.
-[bell rings]

Okay, guys. Protest over.
Great job today.

Um. Your homework for tonight
is to watch Erin Brockovich

and tell me if I'd like it.

Wait, what are you do...

What about...
What about Popcorn Forest?
What about the protest?

Oh. Well, I mean, it's 6:00.

What am I gonna do?
Hold them overnight?

-We'll just do Swan Lake.
-Oh.

Also, I should just keep
developing Popcorn for us.

Like, it'll be
my Tick, Tick... Boom!

They'll make it after I die.

You know?

-[Paul] Hey, Anton?
-Yeah?

You are cool, right?
Like, you know that?

You are cool, right?
Like, you know that?
Not just relative to me.

Not just relative to me.

-Thank you. I knew that.
-Okay, 'cause I thought
you would...

-And your mustache isn't porny.
-Okay, really?

-No, stop looking at it.
-Or, like, pedophilic.

-What? It's a mustache.
-I don't know.

I think she got to me.
I was thinking
about shaving it.

'Cause of her? No.

-Let me see it.
-Hmm.

No, it's perfect.

Okay, great.

Okay, great.
I'll keep the 'stache.

I'll keep the 'stache.

[door opens]

I knew you two were
screwing each other's butts.

-[door closes]
-How'd it go? You okay?

Good. But I do want pizza.

It's square,
don't throw a sh*t fit.

[Paul chuckles]
Okay. Let's go home.

[Issa] Thank you all
for buying a playbill.

Now, as some of you may
have heard, I am on probation
at the dance school.

[Anton, Paul, Billie] Boo!

But in the spirit
of letting go,

we decided to
put on a show for you.

So I now present to you...
[gasps] ...Popcorn Forest,
abridged.

[groans]

[♪♪ classical music playing]

Sway, sway, sway, sway.

Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle, pop.

Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle, pop.

In real life,
this would have pyrotechnics.

And Ukraine.

So you're the pregnant girl.

Not anymore.

Oh. That's...
I heard you were a b*tch.

[singsongy] ♪♪ Popcorn Forest ♪♪

Yeah. That f*cking sucked.

We're open to notes.