02x07 - C Alert

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ Baby, I'm good
I'm making money in the hood ♪♪

♪♪ I wrote every song
Like I knew I would ♪♪

♪♪ Gir, l bounce, bounce
Get down and bounce ♪♪

-Hi, Barbara.
-Morning.

♪♪ That’s right, b*tch
I built the city ♪♪

♪♪ Better watch your mouth
'‘‘Cause I’m feeling Kinda petty ♪♪

♪♪ Girl, bounce, bounce
Get down and bounce ♪♪

♪♪ Doing what I please
So I make it count ♪♪

-Morning, team.
-Mary,

I did that scan
on the Kellogg's deck for you.

I caught a few errors
on slide three

and I attempted a fun little
dissolve effect at the end.

Thank you.
You're the best, Anton.

Oh, stop. Continue.

♪♪ Is it her? Is it him?
b*tch it's me ♪♪

And these are record numbers.

-Well done, Anton.
-Very impressive.

Bye, Carl.

-Oh, midnight oil, huh?
-Burning it.

New Daily comes out
in five hours.

-I belong to the Church of Barbaro.
-See you tomorrow.

-Thank you, Anton.
-Of course.

♪♪ b*tch, b*tch, it's me ♪♪

We've had a bit of feedback on the
UX side for the ad-supported tiers,

-but I think the design pitches will help.
-Agreed.

We're pleased with the
results, and we want to roll this out

across all the verticals,
so stay tuned.

Really nice work, Serena.

Great job, queen!

So impressive!

c**t alert.

What did you say?

♪♪ I need some bad advice ♪♪

♪♪ Stay up tonight ♪♪

♪♪ We'll make it out alive ♪♪

You said the C-word
in a work meeting?

I don't know.

I was tired, and I was texting
you guys, and I-I-I slipped up.

-And I never slip up at work.
-Okay, who cares?

I mean, I probably say "c**t,"

-like, five times a day. What?
-Could we not say it, please?

Not say "c**t"?

Ah, Yes!
Guys, it is an awful word.

-Paul Baker.
-Please, I am the son of a mother.

But, Anton, you probably meant it
in like a fun, casual Drag Race way.

-Yeah.
-I mean, your coworkers know you.

-I'm sure they get it.
-No, they know

a very specific version
of me, okay?

You guys don't get what it's
like in a corporate environment.

They don't take well to c**t.

Sorry.

And I was on track
to get my own office this year.

I was going to get a
partial view of Bryant Park.

It's fine, they'll forget
about it in like a day or two.

-And plus, Anton, you hate your job.
-True.

That's true. You're like
always complaining about it.

Yeah, obviously I hate my job,
okay, but I-I was doing well there.

And it afforded me
a beautiful lifestyle

where I could get drunk
and buy pashminas online.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,
I'm also dreading work this week.

Vladi has me working at the
Manhattan location tomorrow.

-Oh, that sucks.
-I'm sorry.

-Why? What's wrong with that?
-Oh, you don't know?

-No.
-Girl.

Look, look, it's insane.

Hey, man, would you rather do a dare
of our choosing or chug a gallon of milk?

"Milk or Dare."

Oh, my God!

Oh, why did you choose milk?
Why'd you choose milk?

I don't know.

Yeah, Paul Baker has
"man on the street" face.

-"Man on the street" face?
-Yeah.

Every time I'm in Manhattan,
something like this happens to me.

-Every time?
-Yeah,

something about me just reads
very approachable to these people.

Damn my kind eyes
and open heart.

What?

Carol from HR just put a meeting

on my calendar on Friday,
and she's an actual cu...

Well, that's it.
I've lost my job.

Oh, my God, what is wrong
with these people?

Don't they get
that language evolves,

like how "b*tch" used
to be for dogs,

and then it was for rude women,
and now it's for cool women.

No, most of my coworkers
are like 50, Issa.

I can't convince an entire generation
that their most offensive word

is now a way to describe knee-high boots.

Unless...

Need to normalize
"c**t" at work.

Oh, my God.

-Do you still have that...
-Banana Republic gift card from my cousin?

-Yes, duh. Check the job boards.
-Yes. Okay.

-Yeah, I'm on it.
-Okay, yes, okay. Okay!

We are a go on Operation c**t.

I'm sorry. That's it.
I'm sorry.

I'm calling my mom and then your
mom and your mom, and I'm checking in!

Okay,

so remember you're just a normal
corporate girlie who wants a temp job,

and then once you're hired, you're
going to casually drop the C-word.

Right. And then everyone will know that
language evolves and you'll keep your job.

Yes, so if they ask
if you're proficient with AI,

you're gonna say,
"Oh, yeah, AI is c**t."

I can't believe you have to
come in here every single day.

I can literally feel
my joie de vivre slipping away.

I know, it's the worst.

-Okay, but you've got this.
-I know.

Just remember, take all
of your normal Issa instincts,

the things I love so much,
and then do the exact opposite.

-Okay.
-You got it?

What?

-There was no leadership, and I took over...
-So we outperformed

our Q2 numbers by 34%.

Oh, and exciting news,
everybody.

So Serena will be running point
for the Halls account.

Whoo. Yes, Serena!

Serena's been on fire ever
since that new Nalgene, right?

You could fill
an aquarium with that thing.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

It's not... It's not supposed
to mean anything.

You're so small
and it's-it's so-so big.

-Team, sorry to interrupt.
-Oh, look.

I would like to give a big PinDrop
welcome to our newest temp, Issa!

Thank you so much.
I am so excited to be here.

Oh, I have a thought.

Um, should we play
that fun game that we do

-with the new temps?
-Right.

Um, so, Issa, we ask new hires to
describe themselves in three words.

-Oh, so fun.
-What would those be for you?

Oh, oh.

Those words, those words
would have to be...

Um...

c**t.

c**t.

Coffee, coffee, coffee.

Mmm, mm-mmm, mmm.

Coffee, coffee, coffee, because
I am just addicted to that stuff.

-Am I allowed to say that here?
-Yes!

Oh, I think you're gonna fit
in here just fine.

I k*lled.

-What's up, buddy?
-Mmm?

Oh, nothing. Billie's just out
on her big date.

This is your coworker
you set her up with?

Yeah, you could say that.

That's fun, man. Cute.

So there I was at my new gig
canvassing for Green Horizon,

and with my absolute stallion
of a protégé, Greg,

and I realized he's pretty
but he doesn't even know it.

Plus, he's an absolute beast
at snagging signatures,

AKA a go-getter, AKA...

-Billie's type.
-Billie's type.

So I introduced them, and
now we're on date number two.

Wow, that's huge.

Yeah, I figured now
that I'm a relationship guy,

I can, like, focus
on helping you guys find love.

I'm like whatever Cupid was.

-Like a matchmaker?
-Or like a god.

God among men.

Oh. They're back.
Play it cool, play it cool.

-Yeah, play it cool.
-You play it cool.

He'll be okay.

They're here. Play it cool.

-Hey.
-Hey!

Oh, my God, how was it?

How was it? Ah, sorry, I
can't handle it. How was it?

It was...

great.

-Yeah, it was great.
-It was great.

-So good.
-Boom!

What did I say? Cupid.

Got a keeper!

Oh, my God. Boom.

Sorry, this is Carly.
Hey, baby.

-How'd it go?
-They just got home and it was great.

-Yeah!
-Oh, you did it!

I know, sorry I was freaking
out before, but I'm good now.

Good job, baby!

-So, how bad?
-Oh, it f*cking sucked.

Oh, no.

-You can tell him. Yeah.
-Oh, great. Yeah.

No, so bad.
We really do not click.

-Yeah, I really did not enjoy myself.
-And I didn't enjoy myself.

-No, and it's not that he's bad.
-No, or that she's bad.

-It's just that we're bad together.
-Right.

Sure.

Well, also you're a little bad.

-Yeah, you are too.
-Yeah.

Okay, then why the second date?

I wanted to give it my best shot

'cause, you know, Samir,
he's technically my supervisor

and I just do not want to look
for another job right now.

And he's been so excited
and, you know, invested.

-Yeah.
-You know, he totally misled me about you.

-You're not funny at all.
-I'm not funny!

-Mmm.
-And you don't ask any questions about me.

It's like you're not curious
about my life.

I'm not curious about your life. Give
me something to be curious about.

-Ha! I don't want to.
-But maybe we're overthinking this.

I mean, he can probably
handle it, right?

Oh, and then our kids
will be the exact same age.

Boom!

-It's a lot of booms.
-A lot of booms.

So what, you just didn't say it?

-Not yet, no.
-Can you believe that?

She's just fully working
at my company now.

She sat through six meetings while
I'm out here, like, fighting for my life.

Okay, it's not my fault that I have
a knack for making denks, Anton.

"Denks"?

The word is "decks," Issa.

What?

Well, that makes no sense.

Anyway, you're not there
to make "denks."

You're there to flood
the zone with c**t!

He assigned me a lot of denks.

I can't picture you
in an office, Iss.

-Me neither.
-Me neither!

But then I just did
what Anton said.

I followed none of my natural instincts,
and now they love me.

And if I said that word, like,
they would just look at me

totally differently, like,
the way they look at you.

That's the whole point.

I just think it's a lot of effort
for a job that you hate, Anton.

Think of my pashminas!

Okay, me becoming an esteemed
member of the company will actually make it

all the more powerful when
I eventually do say the word.

Okay, great.

In a month or two.

I don't have
a month or two, Issa.

My HR meeting's on Friday,
okay? I need someone to say it.

I'm going to have to hire
an actor off Backstage.com.

I'm gonna have to watch tapes.

I'm gonna be late for work.

-Same.
-Same.

-No.
-That could have been cute.

That could be a cute thing
we both did.

-Have a nice day.
-You can't be mad at me.

-Have fun at work.
-Bye.

Love you.

God, I need a job.

-Oh, f*ck.
-How's it going today?

I'm sorry, man.
I got to get to work.

Hey, what's your name, and what's
your message of positivity for the world?

My name is Paul Baker.

That's p...
That's beautiful. Uh...

Okay,
if I had one thing to say...

Psych! Paul Baker, we just looked
up every female member of your family.

You have 30 seconds to rank them or
we're going to tell them that you died.

f*ck!

Uh, my aunt Carrie Baker.

My other aunt Susan Baker.

Do I have to keep going?

-Yeah.
-Okay. I guess my grandma then.

-Mom's side or Dad's side?
-Mom's side.

The C-word is so not a big
deal, right? Like you say it.

Oh, yeah. Like all the time.

With me and my friends, it's like
the most normal word in the world.

Exactly, okay.

So maybe you could just, like,
tell the others it's a thing.

Oh, no.

No, dude.
I'm not trying to get fired.

-Lily.
-No, you said it at work, dude.

-You're basically a leper now.
-Remember when I came to your improv show?

Remember when I suggested the
Great Wall of China like you told me to?

You swore you would never speak
about that.

-Well, I'm speaking of it now, okay?
-No!

Even I know it's "yes and".
You said no a hundred times.

You're not taking away
my pickleball. No.

Hey, do you want
to join our dodgeball league?

We have a big match against
accounts receivable on Sunday.

Uh-uh, I don't know. If they can dodge
ba*ls as well as Ron dodges emails,

then we might be
in a little bit of trouble.

I'm in, Serena! I'm very
in. - Yay!

-Putting it in my cal.
-Hi, Ron. Hi, Mary.

Um...

-You're avoiding me.
-What? No, no, I'm not.

I just don't want
people to know how close we are.

For the plan.

Okay, well, either
way, I don't need you anymore.

-What?
-I'm bringing in backup.

What does that mean?

Today the word will be spoken,
and all you have to do is laugh.

That's it. Just act like
it's not a big deal, okay?

-Okay. Great. Easy. Easy.
-Can you do that?

-I got you.
-Let's get started, guys.

Got a lot on the agenda today.

Um, Mary, can you give us the
update for the Holbrook account...

Sorry to interrupt.

I, uh... I have a lunch order
for Barbara.

-Oh, that's me. Thanks.
-You brought Samir?

Thank you.

Wow, Barbara, that
Harvest Salad is looking c**t.

Laugh.

Issa, just laugh, please.
What are you doing?

How dare you?

What are you doing?

You cannot talk like that here
in this house of business.

-Yeah.
-This is not the docks.

So you get out of here
and you scram,

scram out of here!

I just have like 20 more salads.

We don't want
your lettuce, sailor boy!

You leave and scram
and have a good day out there.

-Are you okay?
-I'm okay.

That was very brave, Issa.

Yeah,
you really stood up for us.

Guys, we are
PinDrop Digital Advertising!

-Yeah!
-Yes, we are!

God, I love my work family!

-Yes!
-Yes!

PinDrop! PinDrop!

PinDrop!

PinDrop!

PinDrop!

PinDrop! PinDrop!

PinDrop!

Okay, and so this is the kitchen, and
now we're heading to the living room.

-It's got a couch.
-Nice. Couches are my sh*t.

-Hey, what is happening?
-I don't know.

-Uh, show you upstairs.
-Whose house is this?

Samir's parents.
It's a whole thing...

-Is that the guy?
-I don't know.

Oh, how'd it go?

Well, I called a Harvest Salad
"c**t" and got slapped in the mouth.

So it's a Mad Libs
series of events.

Totally.

Whoa.

Well, well, well,
a little lunch date?

I mean, it's clear skies
towards date six.

So, at that point
we're exclusive?

Actually, Samir,
uh, Greg is here because

we want to talk to you
about something.

-Okay.
-Greg, want to sit?

What's going on?

-There's no easy way to say this, uh...
-Yeah.

Greg and I have decided that we are
not going to be seeing each other anymore.

What?

No.

No, come on. What?
No, this is a joke.

This is like when people joke
about stuff...

We know it feels really big
to set people up.

-Yeah.
-But this time it just didn't work out.

Nope.

-No?
-Nuh-uh.

I'm not letting you guys quit
on each other.

-Okay, Samir, we're not a fit.
-Right.

-We're not a fit.
-It's just a chemistry thing.

Can't argue with chemistry.

-It's nature.
-It's science.

Hmm.

-Chemistry?
-Mm-hmm.

-Then I can actually help with that.
-No.

Okay, so you're gonna want to make
sure that you're kissing on the neck,

just like...

-Samir.
-See, even that.

I'm gonna need you to stop.

And are you guys
doing ear stuff?

-Samir.
-A chew, a nibble, a little tongue flick.

It's an androgynous zone.
Did you know that?

-Erogenous.
-Yes.

-That's not what you said.
-Okay, you know what?

I have a book about this.
Give me two seconds.

Samir.

Going to fix this right up.

Okay, well, that's it.

We're gonna have to get married
and raise kids.

And we're going to be buried
next to each other.

Well, actually, I want to be cremated.
It's better for the environment.

Greg. I don't f*cking care.

Excuse me?

Can you help me, young man?

Ah. Yes.

Yeah, hi, sorry,
how can I help you?

Good, 'cause you're on
g*y Granny's Trivia Crashout!

f*ck. Sorry, I'm late for work.
I gotta run.

-Fill in the blank.
-Okay.

Jimmy Carter was...

President?

Closeted h*m* in my opinion.
Next question.

If Ronald Reagan had longer feet,
would that have changed anything?

Anton,
could you please come in here?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

-Hi.
-Is this your office?

Oh, no. They just said I could post
up here till Todd gets back from Taipei.

-Of course they did.
-Please sit.

-So, I have my HR meeting in ten minutes.
-I saw, yeah.

And you completely
abandoned me, for what?

To work in digital ad sales?

We do a lot more here
than digital ad sales, Anton.

Oh, my God, Issa!

I'm sorry it turned out
this way, Anton.

I really am, but, you know,
it is not my fault

that I actually connect
with this place.

-Oh, you connect?
-I do.

I know it sounds crazy,
but I actually like work.

Mm-hmm.

Anton, do you know
how many things I've tried

to get the voice
in my head to be quiet?

No.

Therapy, ketamine, so many wigs,

and then I come here,
and I enter this, like,

fugue state where...
...like,

for ten hours a day,
all I care about is this.

I realized this is
how you do it.

This is how you make time go by.

Don't you think
I know that, Issa?

Well, but no, you hate your job!

-No, I don't!
-Yes, you always say that!

No, I just say that at home because
it's lame to be like, "I love work."

"I love my job," okay?

But when I'm here,
I care about it so much.

I love these people, okay?

I love Barbara. I love her.

I care that Mary gets her
flaxseed granola in the morning.

I want so deeply for Ron
to get his new monitor

so that he doesn't hurt
his bad little back,

and most of all, I love,
I love that it takes me

out of myself
for hours at a time.

Isn't it amazing?

-It's transcendent!
-Yeah, we are transcending self!

Yes, it's a sublime experience!

Why do you think I'm holding
on to it so f*cking tightly?

I had no idea.

Well, now you know.

Just in time for me to lose it all
because I made one mistake one time

that now no one can forget.

But hey, enjoy Todd's office.

The
partial view of Bryant Park.

It's partially stunning.

Oh, God.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I quit my job.

-What?
-I turned in my vest.

I told Samir that
I'm moving to Peoria.

We're free.

You-You did that for me?

No, I did that for us.

So we never have
to see each other again.

God, I hate your facial hair.

I hate your scent.

f*ck me on this table, and then
I never want to see you again.

Okay.

Look, Anton, you're a great member
of this team, but we are concerned

about your future here in the
wake of your outburst on Monday.

Hmm? Outburst?

I don't... I think
there's been a mistake.

I-I was not here on Monday.

I was, um, sick.

Maybe you're mistaking me
for Christine.

We have similar eyes.

Okay, listen, it gives me
no joy to say this, but...

Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Sorry. Um...

I tried really hard
to be perfect here.

But I screwed up.

I made a really bad,

really embarrassing mistake,
and it was unprofessional,

and I was out of line,
and I'm-I'm-I'm so sorry.

Well, we appreciate
you taking responsibility.

I don't think we need
to escalate this any further.

Do we all agree?

Wait, sorry, um,
I get to keep my job?

Thank you so much.

Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.

-If there's anything else I can do...
-Sorry, Issa...

-This is a private meeting.
-I know, Barb,

but I have something to say to
Anton, and I'm afraid it can't wait.

I love you.

Issa, no. No.

I think now is a good time
to tell you I'm g*y.

So, that's how I sacrificed
my job to save Anton's.

Yeah, you totally did it.
All you.

And you know, honestly,
I get it now.

It's true what they say.
Work will set you free.

-Cheers.
-Oh, no, you can't say that.

-Not cheers-ing that. Not cheers-ing that.
-Why? That's Gandhi.

-No, that's Hitler.
-What?

Actually there's this guy,
Michael, that I work with.

-He's 6'1".
-That's tall.

But you know what? I think my
heart is still healing from Greg.

-Mmm.
-Thank you though.

You're really good at this.

-f*cking Peoria.
-I know, right?

-So far. Long-distance relationships, man.
-Yeah.

Anton.

Anton, I did it.

I made it through my terrible work
week and I normalized the C-word.

-Two for the price of one.
-Wait, what? What?

What are you talking about?

Okay.

-Boom.
-What is a hill you're willing to die on?

I think you should be able
to say "c**t" in the workplace.

-Wow.
-Wow, you...

-Oh, my God.
-You said it.

-You punched it, hard C.
-Uh-huh. Yep,

and it felt real bad
in my mouth, but I said it.

Paul Baker, thank you.

You're welcome.

Yeah. Hey, if you guys like that
one, just wait till you see all the others.

-What?
-All the others?

Oh, yeah, I got busy.

Hey, everybody. For today's
very special episode,

-we are here with Paul Baker.
-Hi.

-What is your favorite color?
-Green.

-Favorite animal?
-Monkeys.

-What's your favorite word?
-c**t.

-What? Um...
-c**t.

What's your biggest turn on?

-Beautiful smile, great teeth, great c**t.
-Oh.

I love this song.

This is "c**ts Coming to Town"
by the c**t Makers.

This is the worst anyone's
ever done on this show.

-c**t. Yeah!
-Okay, Paul Baker, you ate that.

So, Kyle, who is this man?

Who is this adult man
on my show?

Shouldn't we be
interviewing kids?

-Just say c**t.
-Stop. c**t. Cut. Sorry.

♪♪ What I gotta fix ♪♪

♪♪ What I gotta fix ♪♪

♪♪ What I gotta fix ♪♪

♪♪ What I gotta fix ♪♪

♪♪ If I'm not broken
What I gotta fix ♪♪

♪♪ What I gotta fix ♪♪