04x12 - Safety Worst/De-Pat-ment Store

[bunniefuu]

Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents! Ow!

This is my dad!

♪ Whimsical music plays ♪

This is my mom! [chuckles]

[giggles]
This is my sister! She's shy.

This is my grandpa!

This is my room!

And this...

[cheering]

This is my show!

♪♪

[Squidina] Once again,
it's time for... Unboxed!

The segment where Patrick Star
unboxes boxes!

Hey there, box-heads!

Are you guys ready

to open some boxes?

[all cheering] Yeah!

Alright!

Here we go!

I've got
my child safety scissors,

and...

Ow!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Oh!

Ow, ow, ow!

Ow!

Oh, oh!

[grunting, munching]

[grunts]

[frustrated grunting]

Here, let me help you with that.

♪ Mellow music playing ♪

'Kay. All good.

Yay!

Unboxing!

Now to reveal what's inside!

[all cheering] Woo!

[loud thunk]

It's a real, live torpedo!

Pretty cool, huh?

- [loud thunk]
- Oops.

[crowd screams]

[loud sigh] Not again.

[siren wailing]

Ow! Ehh!

Another day,
another three-alarm fire.

Yep. Yep, yep.

They probably should've
bubble-wrapped

that torpedo, huh?

Ya think?

♪ Lively fanfare playing

[clinks]

We oughta go for a drive

and pick up
some aloe vera today.

Alright! Everybody remain calm!

♪♪

-♪ music stops
-There!

Mr. Fire Chief Man, aren't you
forgetting something?

[soft squeak]

Oh. Whoops!

Now listen up!

Before I extinguish you folks,

I have a very important message!

Excuse me, young man!

Would you be a dear
and refill my water bottle?

Absolutely, ma'am!

Looks like there are a few
gentlemen left in this world.

Show-off.

[Granny Tentacles]
Gotta stay hydrated!

[fire chief] Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. It's very important.

And... we're full!

Well, that's just wonderful.

Thank you!

Now where were we?

Now I remember!

In light of the daily fires
at the Star home,

The Patrick Show
cannot continue!

[both gasp]

Unless...

Patrick and Squidina
agree to watch a safety video.

Sure.

Yeah! We can do that!

Well, alrighty then!

Now, don't make us
come back here! Understood?

[together] Yes, sir.

Squidina? I think
this videotape is broken.

Good! 'Cause I'd rather watch
the safety video we made!

We made a safety video?

Yup! Earlier this morning.

[whirs]

[beeping]

[Squidina] The Patrick Show
presents, Safety First

And Last!

An info-taining video
that will help you

stay safe and not die.

Hey, you want some popcorn?

Sure!

[annoyed] Thanks.

- [munching]
- [bright music playing in video]

Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

If you're watching this video,
then you're like me,

and you want to be safer.

Hah!
I'm nothing like that weirdo!

Hmm, what's this rope for?

[loud thud]

[Squidina] Lesson 1:

Don't pull that rope!

I wish I coulda watched
this video before we shot it!

If ya go around pullin'
every rope you see,

there's a good chance
you'll end up in the hospital.

So, stay safe with our simple
and foolproof motto.

SAEF:

Safety Always Everywhere First!

Hey! What's this rope for?

- [squeaks]
- [loud thunk]

Now I'd like to introduce you
to two friends of mine

for a series of safety demos.

This is Mr. Goodboy.

He does everything in life
the safe way.

And this is Mr. Whoopsie.

He does everything
the wrong way.

The unsafe way.

[loud thunk]

Now, let's see them in action!

Lesson 2: Hole-y Moly!

An open manhole in the street?

Uh-oh!

Let's watch how Mr. Whoopsie
handles this situation.

♪♪

Uh-oh!

A dangerous, open manhole?!

I know what to do!

Jump it with my skateboard!

Hut, hut, hut, hut!

[groans] Whoa!

They don't call him Mr. Whoopsie
for nothin'.

Let's watch Mr. Goodboy
safely deal

with the same stupid manhole.

This is unsafe,
but I know exactly what to do!

[beeping]

[Squidina] With that hole filled
with cement,

nobody's gonna get hurt!

Then, in just 24 to 48 hours,
the cement is dry,

and Mr. Goodboy
can keep right on walking!

Oh, and, uh, Lesson 2B:

Avoid sewers and cement
and whatnot.

Words to live by.

[Squidina] Lesson 3:

Whoopsie in the Workshop!

On set, we work with a lot
of dangerous tools.

Let's see how Mr. Whoopsie
handles himself

in the workshop.

Pause! Can you see
where Mr. Whoopsie went wrong?

[timer ticking]

[bell rings]

That's right!

His workshop is in the middle

of an active six-lane highway.

Did you see how Mr. Goodboy
handled the situation?

No? Let's wind it back.

And stop!

There!

As you can see,

Mr. Goodboy
has his seat belt on,

his hands at ten and two,

and his emergency fuzzy dice

hanging
from his rearview mirror.

Do you think I look good
in a hat?

No.

Okay.

[Squidina] Lesson 4:

Making Copies!

Mr. Whoopsie needs to make
a copy of today's script.

But instead of doing it
properly,

looks like he's going to do it
the Whoopsie Way.

- [alarm blaring]
- [popping]

Dang thing's on the fritz again.

[Squidina] Because of you!

[audience boos]

[grunts] Looks like
it's up to me to fix it!

Prolly a paper jam.

- Just gotta... Whoa!
- [whirs]

Prolly a paper jam.

Just gotta... Whoa!

Prolly a paper jam.
Just gotta...

- Whoa!
- Prolly a paper jam.

- Just gotta...
- Whoa!

[overlapping]

Everybody conga!

♪ A rum pum pum pum pum! ♪

Wrong! Nobody conga!

Conga lines
are no laughing matter.

Recent studies show
that conga lines

cause ten times
more workplace accidents

than all other types
of dance combined.

And while the conga might seem
like an innocent dance,

it almost always ends
in tragedy.

But that needn't be the case!

Let's watch
as Mr. Goodboy demonstrates

proper conga procedure.

♪ Bright musical transition ♪

-[flatly] ♪ Cha, cha, cha
-[maracas rattle]

♪ bright music plays

[Squidina] Lesson 5:

Interviews and You!

And we are back!

Our guest today
is Killtron-5000.

[audience cheering]

Killtron, spring has sprung!

You got any plans?

Besides your, uh, blueprints.

- [giggles]
- [audience laughs]

I was actually thinking
about taking my kids out

to our lake house this weekend.

It's simply beautiful out there
and we couldn't love it more.

Lake house? You swim often?

Or are you a little... rusty?

- [mocking laugh]
- [audience laughs]

Okay, I let the blueprint joke
slide, but that is just rude.

Killtron, we actually have a...
[stifled laugh]

surprise for you!

A very special guest.

Your father is backstage
right now!

My father? I cannot believe it!

[Patrick] You haven't seen him
since the Diode Wars

of Andromeda.

Here he is, fresh back
from Bikini Bottom's...

Recycling Center!

[clacks]

- ♪ dejected music plays ♪
- [audience laughs]

[snickers]

[huge laugh]

Okay, that is it.

The robot revolution begins now.

Submit to Killtron!

- Surrender now, flesh bags.
- [audience screams]

- [explodes]
- [beeps, whirs]

The Do's and Don'ts
of the Robot Revolution.

Firstly, never...

-♪ tense music plays
-Always trust a robot.

Robots are here to protect you.

So please,
let them put your brain

in a jar of cerebral fluid

kept at an even 33 degrees.

And remember,

when it comes
to the Robot Revolution,

be SAEF:

Serve Androids Earnestly

and Faithfully.

And don't forget
your protective eyewear.

♪ Music ends ♪

Welp, that's it!

Hope you learned a thing or two.

Um, Squidina, I have a question.

What's up, Patrick?

What do I do
if I'm on fire again?

Y'know, that wasn't covered
in the tape.

And-and what do I do
if there's a giant robot

- coming to destroy us?
- [loud footsteps]

Oh, Patrick, now I know
you weren't listening!

When it comes
to the Robot Revolution...

[both] Be SAEF!

Hmm, what is this rope for?

- [groans]
- [ship horn honks]

♪♪

[Patrick] ♪ Shopping,
shopping, shopping ♪

♪ Shopping,
shopping, shopping ♪

Oh, I love some shopping!

My baby!

♪ Conga line music playing ♪

Wow! This store has everything!

[singsong] Coochie-coo.

[woman clears throat]

May I help you?

- [microwave dings]
- No, thank you.

I can carry these home myself.

- Oh! [panting]
- [baby babbling]

If you intend to walk out
with these items,

you'll need to pay.

Pay?

[groans]

With money.

[clinks]

Mo... ney?

- [stifled groan]
- [microwave dings]

Yes, money.

You know, the thing you inherit

from your rich family?

Or in your case,
when you get a...

[winces] ...job.

Huh?! I get a job?!

- [loud thud]
- Oh-h*-h*!

Thank you!

Uh, w-watch my stuff.

I'll be back with a money.

[microwave dings]

[whirring]

[yawns]

[whirring stops]

Mondays, huh?

Ha! They're the best!

'Cause it's my first day
on the job!

Here! Let me help!

Eh, meep.

[whirring resumes]

[blabbering]

[grunting]

[grunting]

Ooh! Someone's coming!

[groans]

Where is that pink oaf?

♪ Tense music playing ♪

[struggling grunt]

[grunting]

[groans, sobs]

[loud crying]

That mannequin ate my ice cream!

That's what you said last time.

But, Mom!

Come on!

[yelps, groans]

Huh? What on earth
happened here?!

♪ Lively music playing ♪

- Meep?
- Oh, yes, meep me.

More.

Little more.

Little more.

[coughs]

Meep!

Perfect.

Uh-oh.

You can't be sleeping
on the job.

Oh. Don't worry.

I'll cover for you.

- Ahh!
- [glass shatters]

[clears throat] Hello, ma'am.

Try our new fragrance?

Why, certainly!

Mmm!

Ma'am. Try our new fragrance?

Oh, I would love to!

[coughs]

Sir! Try our new...

[whimpers]

Sir? Sir?!

Sir!

Leave me alone! [panting]

Sir!

- I don't want it!
- [grunting]

[panicked groaning]

Sir! [groans]

Sir! [groans]

Sir! [grunts]

[woozy groan]

♪ dark music plays ♪

[bottle clinking]

No! No, no!

I beg you! No!

Would you like to try
our new fragrance?

-♪ lively music resumes
-[sighs] Fine.

[sniffs]

Hey! It's like I've died
and gone to heaven!

Ahh!

♪ Somber music plays ♪

Huh?

♪ Heavenly music plays ♪

[excited giggles]

-♪ music stops
-Hmm.

♪ "William Tell Overture"
plays ♪

- [whinny]
- Yee-haw!

-♪ music stops
-Hmm?

Clean up on aisle five!

♪ Lively music resumes ♪

Off you go, boy! Ha!

[grunts]

[woozy groaning]

You imbecile!

Where is your manager?!

- Meep meep.
- [both groan]

Finally, a manager appears!

Manager?

Promoted already!

How can I help you, sir?

Take five, buddy, I got this.

I require the perfect ball
for my extremely expensive,

and most favorite golf club,
Cynthia.

[wolf whistles]

What a beauty!

- Let's try out some ba*ls!
- [groaning]

Hey, wait!

[grunts] Fore!

- [glass shatters]
- Not bad.

Alright, how 'bout this one?

Stop that! [groans]

- Five!
- My club!

Two! Nice.

- [crash]
- [girl screams]

Oh! Uh, three!

[groans]

That felt pretty good too!

Oh! I have the best idea!

[strained groan]

[woozy groan]

Huh? Wait!

Banana!

[groans]

Hmm? [grunts]

Aw, this thing is defective!

Stop!

Poor Cynthia!

I'll never be able
to golf again.

Aww, don't worry.

There's lots of ways
to stay fit.

Oh! Like the stair machine!

♪ Playful music playing ♪

[giggles]

- Ahh!
- Push it! Push it!

Push it! Come on!

Dig! Dig! Dig!

- [panting]
- [shoppers scream]

- Hey!
- Ahh!

- [whistle blows]
- Hey!

Only one person
on the stair machine at a time!

Ahh!

- [loud crash]
- [yelling]

[woozy groan] Lemme show ya
how it's done.

Uh-oh.

[shredding]

Huh. Looks like I've been moved

to a new department!

Merchandise on the floor?!

[grunts]

Ow!

[rumbling]

- [shoppers scream]
- [whimpers]

You have to stop that menace.

What did he look like?

All back to normal!

[giggling]

[woman] Excuse me! Um...

Do you know which mattress
is the springiest? [giggles]

Let me check!

- [crash]
- [screams]

[crashing]

♪ playful music playing ♪

- [thud]
- Huh?

[thud]

Huh? Huh? Ahh!

Gah! Ooh! What's this thingy?

[groaning]

[beeps]

It is with a heavy heart
that I announce

the disappearance of my son,
Patrick Star.

If you're out there, Patrick,
please come home!

But, on the bright side,

I get to host
The Patrick Show today!

Hey, it's my show!

Today, we're making
a Sandwich à la Cecil,

with a healthy twist.

Whole foods only!

Wow.

The camera really does add


- Hmm. Huh?
- [door slams]

[Lady Upturn] Oh! Gustavo!

Someone is destroying
my department store!

We must track them down
before we're financially ruined!

Oh. You look different.
Have you had work done?

[chuckles] Yeah. Today
I've gotten a lotta work done.

[clears throat]
Uh, the witnesses are here

to help us sketch out
an image of the suspect.

- Go ahead.
- He was star-shaped.

Like an idiot!

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

He was pink
and he smelled terrible!

Oh, I know the type.

He was a dum-dum poopy-head!

Most criminals are, son.

Meep meep!

[all gasp]

Well, I-I wouldn't go thatfar.

Don't worry, I'm trained to hear
this kind of thing.

Alright.

- [bell dings]
- I think we've got him!

Here you are, ma'am.

[gasp]

Frightful!

Ooh! Lemme see!

♪ Tense music plays

Hmm.

Huh! Wow!

That is one ugly son
of a sunfish!

[laughs]

Huh?

Hey, wait a minute!

It's that guy from TV!

Ya got yer whole cheese!

Ya got yer whole cheese!

Excuse me, boss, you want
I should send in the boys?

Yeah, that sounds fun!

Ya got yer whole cheese!

- Ya got yer... Huh?
- [siren wailing]

[Squidina] Who are you?

- What's goin' on? Ahh!
- [punches landing]

Got him!

Well done, Gustavo!

- Huh?
- Phew.

Well, that's enough work
for one day. Am I right?

♪ Comedic music playing ♪

I'll say!
You're the real miscreant

who wrecked my store!

You're fired!

But-but...

[groans]

Huh?

What's all this for?

It's your golden parachute
and executive severance package.

Don't spend it all in one place!

Meep meep meep meep meep.

What?! My store is bankrupt?

Meep meep meep meep meep.

That severance package
was the last of our money?!

- Meep meep.
- And the store

is only worth one dollar?!

- Hey! I have a dollar!
- [dings]

Congratulations
on your acquisition

of the store, sir!

[Lady Upturn cries]

How am I to support myself now?!

Uh, maybe you could get a job.

Yeah! I'm sure there's
an opening here at my store!

I'd rather...

♪ playful music playing ♪

[muttering]

Keep it up, Lady, and one day,

I might promote you
to mannequin!

I am offended!

♪ Shopping, shopping,
I love shopping ♪

♪ music ends ♪

♪♪