07x04 - Up the Crick Without a Piddle

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )

you may wonder

what I am doing

in the back

of an r.a.f. Plane

flying at 10,000 feet

disguised as a monk.

There is, of course,

a perfectly normal explanation.

I had to leave nouvion

in a hurry

because the germans

were going to give me

a collaboration medal

for helping them

and the communist resistance

were going to have me shot

if I accepted it.

As neither of these two options

appealed to me,

my waitress, yvette and i,

disguised ourselves as monks

to take the place

of the two british airmen,

who were also

disguised as monks,

to catch this plane.

As you can see

we have taken their place.

Unfortunately,

the best laid plans

can go wrong,

and this one is,

as they say,

a real turkey.

For instead of ending up

with my beautiful,

vibrant, young yvette,

I found myself

with my airsick wife, edith.

And so the future

is no longer as inviting

as it should be.

How much longer?

This airplane is so bumpy.

I feel sick.

It is your own

fault, edith.

You were supposed

to stay in nouvion

and look after

the cafe.

Do not scold me, rene.

The cafe is in good hands.

Whose?

Mamma and monsieur leclerc's.

Oh my god.

That's like putting

a couple of winos

in charge

of a distillery.

Mamma is a very

responsible person.

She knows all about

running a bar.

She knows all abou

emptying one.

And monsieur leclerc

is good at accounts.

He was a bookkeeper.

He was a bookmaker.

There is a difference.

He will probably put

all the takings

on the 2:15 at longchamp

if he gets the chance.

Do not worry, rene,

we are together,

and you are safe,

and we shall start

a new life in england.

They are getting

the flying aces.

They will not be

too pleased

when they find out

who we are.

But you are the hero

of the resistance!

They should be proud

to give you sanctuary.

Nevertheless, I do

not think we should

mention the error

until we are safely

on the ground.

Shh, one of them

is coming.

Pretty hairy

take off, what!

So, you're carstairs

and fairfax.

I'm tigger thompson.

Which one of you

is carstairs?

Flof flof flof flof.

Damn brave chap.

And you must

be fairfax.

Rah rah rah rah.

My god, fairfax,

you look terrible.

Did they t*rture you?

Oh, rah rah rah rah.

Oh, the swine.

Carstairs looks ghastly

and poor old fairfax

looks about 110.

What's more,

he's wearing lipstick

and perfume.

Airman #2:

they obviously haven't

broken his spirit then.

Soon have you

back in blighty,

chaps.

- Flof flof flof flof.

- Rah rah rah rah.

I am revitalized

by this job, ernest.

I feel 10 years younger,

as if I am

floating on air.

I am not surprised,

you have nearly

emptied the bottle.

Did you remember

to bring up

the crates of champagne

from the cellar

for our celebration?

Yes, but what are

we celebrating?

Well, what day

is it today?

- Wednesday.

- That will do.

Ah, you lazy girls,

you have missed a bit

here and there, too.

Do it again.

And you will

keep on doing it,

until I am satisfied!

( Huffs )

madame fanny

has turned into

a right old tyran

since rene left.

She treats us

like sl*ves.

I only hope

he is safe in london.

So do i.

But no one must know

he has gone there.

- My lips are sealed.

- So are mine.

How I wish

I could have

gone with him.

I wish the same

for me.

If I had gone with him,

he would be having

a good time.

He would be having

an even better time

with me.

Ha! What do you

know about men?

I am renowned

for refreshing the parts

that other women miss.

You?

You cannot even

reach those parts.

How dare you?

( Both shrieking )

stop it! Stop it!

I will not have

this kind of behavior

from my staff.

Your staff?

Yes. I am in charge.

We answer only to rene.

Rene will not be back

till the w*r is over.

Till then you will do

as I say

or you will be

back on the streets

where you belong.

Do not be cheeky.

Are the chaps here,

farkington?

There's been a c*ck-up,

I'm afraid, sir.

It seems our chaps

picked up

the wrong two monks.

Well, actually,

it's a monk

and a monkess.

What beastly luck.

- Where are they now?

- Outside, sir.

Let's see what they have

got to say for themselves.

In here.

There's a chappie on his way

over from intelligence

to debrief them.

Let's have a crack at them

before he arrives.

Now look, you two,

what were you doing

getting on that airplane?

What did he say, rene?

I do not speak of word

of the language.

Blighters don't seem

how's your french,

farkers?

Rusty, sir,

but I'll give it a bash.

Good moaning.

We would lik to knee

wote you were deeing

in the bick

of the earcraft?

Oh my god,

can none of them

speak french

properly?

I don't think

he got my gist, sir.

Try again.

Are you rolly minks,

or are you in disgeese?

- Did you get that, rene?

- To me it sounds like

the ravings

of a mad parrot.

It's no use, sir,

if only my old chum

crabtree were here--

why, he speaks

fluent french.

( Intercom buzzes )

the interpreter from

military intelligence

- has arrived, sir.

- Thank you, penelope.

Send him in.

Klop-- oops!

( In british accent )

sorry, chaps, old habit.

Rather thrown by sight

of old chums.

Rene, it is

captain hans geering.

I cannot believe

my eyes.

- You know these two?

- Cafe chappie and wife

from nouvion

where I was stationed.

Be good fellows,

give me five with them.

Right, come on,

farkington.

Let's hope they've got

a damn good explanation

for this ghastly mess.

( German accent )

rene! Oh!

Madame edith!

Oh, I have a lump

in my throat,

and suddenly

the memories of nouvion

have flooded back.

Oh, I must sit down.

( Blows nose )

captain geering,

what are you doing

in that uniform?

Are you spying

for the germans?

You cannot ask questions

like that, edith.

What if somebody

is listening at

the keyhole?

Of course,

how foolish of me.

If you are, just wink.

No, I have become

oh, you poor man.

Was it painful?

He means he is

now one of them.

Well, after that

I am not surprised.

Rene is correct.

I am now a citizen

and am working for them

as an officer in intelligence.

( Chuckles )

wouldn't the colonel

be surprised?

He would be amazed!

The last we heard of you

was on the radio

when the resistance

spirited you away

to england.

A lot of warm beer

has flowed

under my bridge

since then.

I spent three months

being brainwashed

by their best men,

burgess and maclean.

So you swapped sides?

Well, I did not fancy

a prison camp,

not after the other one

I accidentally found

myself in with you.

Swapping sides is nothing

to be ashamed of.

I am not ashamed.

I get five pounds per week,

free lodgings and a one-way

ticket to south america

if my lot get as far

as marble arch.

Could you,

in your exalted position,

put in a good word for us,

captain geering?

I do not have to.

Being in intelligence,

I know what I always suspected.

You are nighthawk,

hero of the resistance.

I must say you had me

completely fooled.

I always thought you were

just a bumbling old peasant.

Thank you.

And you were doing it

right under our noses.

What fools you made

of the colonel

- and the rest of us!

- Oh, please do not be cross.

We were unwilling pawns

of fate.

Over here you are heroes.

I am sorry we will not be able

to spend more time together

before you go back.

Go back? Oh no,

we cannot go back.

No, it is out

of the question!

We should be shot

as collaborators

or he will.

We will contact the resistance

and straighten things out.

Do not worry,

you are with friends.

Now please sit on the chairs

on the other side of the desk

while I do my stuff.

( Clearing throat )

now, tell-- oh!

Tell me in every detail

what happened

and how you got here,

leaving out nothing.

Never taking your eyes

off mine for a second

so that I may assess that

every word you tell me

is the truth.

Well, uh

as one friend

to another,

it is like this

it was an accident.

Liar!

How am I doing so far?

You've got

my adrenaline going.

Older man:

tell intelligence

I would like to meet

this frenchman

who saved my bacon.

He must be

a remarkable man indeed,

and remarkable men

should get together

to discuss

the remarkable things

that are happening

in these remarkable times.

I am sorry

I had to sound severe.

It's all part of the job

and you never know

who is listening

at the keyhole.

Tea for three,

and don't be mingy

with the biscuits.

I say, are you

getting anywhere,

captain?

- Absolutely, old bean.

- What happened?

It seems there was

a jolly old c*ck-up frog side.

The old crate came down

bang in the jolly old field,

but the dashed airmen

had gone a.w.o.l.

These two came

to tell our chaps

and got dragged on board.

So that explains it.

Well then, who are these

two monkey people?

Seems he's nighthawk.

Key resistance johnny

in france.

I say, let me shake

your hand, old chap.

Damn brave, what.

What's he saying, rene?

I expect he is saying

how damn brave I am.

P.m. Wants to see him

at number 10 p-d-q.

Surely not in

those clothes, sir?

Well, surely you had

some civvies standing by

for fairfax and carstairs?

Yes sir,

we've got these.

There's no time to lose.

They'll have to do.

Captain, will you tell

these frenchies

we are going to see the p.m.

And he will probably

give them a medal?

Churchill is probably

going to give you a medal.

May I say how happy I am

to give you this news?

Oh my god, no,

not a medal.

- No, no, please.

- What did he say?

He is almost speechless

with excitement.

Good morning, colonel,

lieutenant, captain.

Good morning, yvette.

We are looking for rene.

He is not here,

I am afraid.

Well, where is he?

We have been looking

everywhere for him.

He said he had

joined the monastery,

but he is not there.

All we find were

a bunch of the monkeys

in the long dresses.

I think he changed

his mind

about becoming

a monk,

the robes

were too tickly.

I not surprised.

With beautiful ladies

like you around,

only the fruitcake

go into the monastery.

Oh, thank you captain,

- what a charmer.

- Yeah, and how sickening.

Nothing has happened to rene

has it, yvette?

He said threats

had been made against him.

He's not hiding

in some cold place,

alone and friendless?

I could not bear it.

Oh no, lieutenant.

He has just gone away

for a few days.

- ( Plays note )

- mi mi mi mi

( fanny warbles )

- what is madame fanny doing?

- She plans to sing tonight.

She is just warming up

her tonsils.

It sounds more like

she's overheating.

Do you require a table

for this evening?

Yes, but a long way

from the piano.

And make sure there is

plenty of cheese

for our ears.

I must lubricate

my vocal cords.

( Gargles )

( shrilling )

I think it has

done the trick.

Good moaning.

Good moaning.

I have some bod nose

for you.

I have had a massage

from ongland.

Ronnie is ova there.

No? Is he safe?

And are his pieces

in one?

I presume sue,

but there has been

an almotey kick-up.

He and modom edith

simhow got on the earcraft

instead of

the brotish earman.

Michelle is lovid

with inger.

But thank heavens

he is safe.

Michelle has arroonged

to spoke to him

on the roodio

at farteen hondrid ears.

What has happened

to the british airmen?

We do not knee,

but I am going

to lick for them

on my burcycle.

If the nitzis find them,

we could be up the crick

without a piddle.

That is bad nose.

I say, carstairs,

I wonder what happened

to that airplane from blighty?

Don't know, old boy.

Must have

missed it somehow.

Well, we'll just

have to kip down here

until someone finds us.

I hope they hurry up,

I'm starving.

Well--

"needs must when

the devil drives."

Can't be any worse

than the grub at the cafe.

Enter.

These are

the two french

resistance fighters

you asked to see,

prime minister.

They don't look

very french to me.

More like laurel

and hardy.

We had

to give them

new clothes,

prime minister.

When they arrived,

all they had

were filthy

old habits.

That's typical

of the french.

He looks very tired.

It is all that blood,

sweat, toil, and tears.

Not to mention

the whiskey.

Tell them, I'm very

grateful to them.

Foiling the plot

to kidnap me

was a most

courageous act.

I have their medals here.

He has the medals for you.

Oh, no, that is

the last thing we want.

Refuse them,

captain geering,

please.

What was that, captain?

They are delighted,

prime minister.

You cannot

refuse them.

He may have you

shot as traitors.

Here are the citations.

R. Artoyz, e. Artoyz,

for gallantry above

the call of duty.

Brothers are they?

No, they're married,

prime minister.

Very odd bedfellows,

the french.

No, sir,

this one's a woman.

I'll take

your word for it.

Come here.

It is people like you,

brave, loyal allies,

fighting on the beaches,

in the fields,

on the streets

and in the hills,

who are keeping

the free world safe

from the shadow

of the n*zi jackboot.

I give you these medals,

from a grateful

british people,

in recognition of your work

for the resistance.

What did he say?

You're a hero.

Thank you.

I'm getting quite

a collection.

I will pin it on myself,

mr. Churchill.

Captain,

show them the sights

and take them for tea

on expenses.

Yes, prime minister.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I must get on

with the w*r.

That's it. He has to

get on with the w*r.

( Snoring )

I think it could be

a very long one.

You are not

pedaling evenly,

von smallhausen.

I'm sorry, herr flick.

How can

I make pots,

if the wheel does

not turn evenly?

Now look what you

have made me do.

My pot has gone all wobbly.

I was concentrating

on my petit point.

It is going very well.

Oh, dear, I have

stitched it to my habit.

I will tell the abbot,

von smallhausen,

and he will put you in

solitary confinement.

I do not mind.

I find the peace

and quiet refreshing.

In that case, you will

remain here with me.

- ( Knocking )

- enter!

What can we do

for you, sister?

It is i, helga.

Helga?!

You have not become

a nun, have you?

No,

I had to disguise

myself to get in.

Ordinary women

are forbidden,

in case they

corrupt the monks.

I always say,

a little bit of what

you fancy does you good.

Have you located

the british airmen yet?

No, it it not very easy.

Well, could you not

eavesdrop and see

if any of the monks

this is a silent order.

Except after

the cheese and onion soup.

Did you get the note

we smuggled out,

attached to the stray dog,

that I remembered you

had once thrown a bone to--

which I assumed would seek

you out for another nibble?

No,

but I did see you

swinging

on the bell rope,

through my binoculars,

and assumed you must

be suffering

great privation

in the cause of duty,

and in consequence,

I have brought you

some sustenance.

Here is the bread

for the sandwiches.

What is there

to put between them?

I have brought

a salami.

Helga,

in my current state

of nooky deprivation,

the sight of your garter

drives me wild.

May I kiss you,

herr flick?

A notice

warns of

severe penalties

should any kissing

take place

within these walls.

Am I not

worth the risk?

Let us try and see.

The answer is no.

Quick, it is

nearly time.

Rene:

hello, nighthawk,

this is er,

nighthawk calling

from london. Over.

Hello, nighthawk.

This is blue tit.

Receiving you

loud and clear. Over.

Hello, blue tit,

i, too, can hear you

very loud and clear. Over.

What went wrong

with the plan?

We were dragged

onto the plane

by mistake.

They thought we were

the airmen. Over.

Where are

the airmen now?

Are they not

with you? Over.

Would I be asking

if they were?

Officer crabtree has searched

the whole countryside for them.

I have licked everywhere

on my burcycle,

but they have vinished

into thon ear.

I have burcycled so much,

I've got a sore bim.

Well, I do not know

where they are. Over.

Nighthawk,

listen very carefully,

I shall say this

only once.

You must return immediately

to sort this out.

Edith:

this is mrs. Nighthawk.

It is madame edith.

I would like

to speak to mamma.

She has passed out

on the bed,

with a bottle of gin.

Who is looking

after the till?

Monsieur leclerc

is in the bar,

giving free drinks

to all his old pals.

He will ruin

the business!

We shall return tonight.

Over and out.

Edith:

it was very good of you

to take us shopping,

captain geering.

Not at all,

madame edith.

Oh it is all

on government expenses.

And I love this dress.

It's beautiful.

What do think,

rene?

It was a long way

to come

just to go to

marks and spencers.

You were very pleased

with your y-fronts.

Please, not here.

We cannot have you coming

to lyons corner house

in a man's suit,

madame edith.

So this is

lyons corner house.

Oh, it is very nice.

Do you come here often,

captain?

Oh, yes,

I have something

of a sweet tooth.

But it is not

the same as france.

How I miss

the smell of the drains,

and hair oil,

and they can't make

strudel here for toffee.

But most of all, madame edith,

I miss your cooking.

Things must be

very bad over here.

Also, I have--

a little thing going

with one of

the waitresses here.

Her name is ethel.

She's a nippy.

Is she japanese?

No, no,

they move so fast,

that's what

they call them.

I hope she's better looking

than that one over there.

That's her.

Oh. Now that I give

her a second look,

I see she does have

certain qualities.

You'll like her.

Could we have

the special please,

ethel?

These was leftover

from a customer

what got tired of waiting,

so you're in luck.

Will i, er

will I see you

later, ethel?

Oooh, if you like.

I'm off this evening.

I'll come round

and knock you up

at about 8:00.

( Laughs hysterically )

such a strange

sense of humor,

have these

what has died

on this heated bread?

Today's special.

Mushroom st*lks

on toast.

Delicious!

Apart from which,

everything else

is off.

- It always is.

- Mushroom st*lks?

What do they do with

the rest of the mushrooms?

Grind them up

to make tea,

if this is

anything to go by.

You mean you have

to live on this food?

It's delicious.

It's very tasty.

And great germany is

successfully blocking

the allies' supply lines,

which are stretched

to breaking point,

by our glorious men

in the undersea boatens,

as they blow them

out of the water.

Oops! What am I saying?

You know, edith,

I wish I were coming home

with you tonight.

Oh, what a lovely

thing to say.

After eating here,

even your food tastes

like cordon bleu.

I'm afraid

I must go, rene.

Mamma and monsieur leclerc

are ruining the business.

I will send you

good luck messages,

from time to time,

on the radio.

- ( Siren sounds )

- listen, an air raid.

Our glorious air force,

whose brave pilots

defied the might

of the few,

have come to blow the pants off

the british imperialists.

Oops! I must go

for some more brainwashing.

Quick, to the shelters.

Evening, yvette.

Good evening,

colonel.

Your table

is over here.

Is there any word

from rene, yvette?

No, but we expect him

back shortly.

Oh, good,

because we have to report

persons missing

more than 24 hours

to the general.

After that,

they are subject

to arrest

and interrogation.

Also their friends

and acquaintances.

This includes

the staff here.

So you see, it is

rather serious.

Are you sure you don'

know his whereabouts?

I have no idea.

- Nor those of his wife?

- I know nothing.

I think she tell

the truth.

Here, let me

buy you a drink.

Oh, not at the moment,

thank you, captain.

Okey-dokey.

I give you one later.

I sometimes wonder what

you are doing in this w*r.

Trying to get a piece

of the action.

Nearly there.

Just stand

in the middle,

and watch for

the green light.

All right?

Time to go.

It has been wonderful

to see you again.

In a way I wish

I was going with you,

but that would not

be a good idea.

It is very good of you both

to come and see me off.

Rene,

will you not

change your mind?

I cannot, my love.

I am not wearing

a parachute.

I do not want to get shot.

My heart will beat

in time with yours,

although I am

in a foreign land, far away,

while you fight

for freedom.

Oh, how beautifully put.

Oh, goodbye, rene.

I will give your best

to the girls.

And do not forget--

half the portrait

of the fallen madonna

with the big boobs is--

aarghh!

Oops.

Oh, rene,

I knew you would

change your mind.

You were standing

on my foot.

We will k*ll them

with this

cabaret number.

Now can you

remember the words?

I like to go

awandering

with a suitcase

in my hand.

No, no, no.

"A knapsack

on your back."

Oh, do try to get

it right, ernest,

or it will be a disaster.

Now that edith has gone,

my career is

about to blossom.

If you go on

watering it like that,

it will wilt.

I am ready.

Nothing can stop

my big comeback now.

( Glass shattering )

24 hours are up,

colonel.

We shall have to

arrest rene on sight.

I will let you do it.

Is that an order?

It is now.

( Piano intro plays )

ladies and gentlemen,

for your entertainment,

I give you

"the wandering yodelers."

My god,

it's rene.

He's back!

And showing

a very nice leg.

You keep singing,

I will yodel my way

down the back passage,

and make a run for it.

I love to go

awandering

along the mountain track

and as I go

I love to sing

my knapsack

on my back

- valder-ee

- yodel-odel-ee

- valder-aa

- yodel-odel-oo

- valder-aa

- yodel-odel-ee

ah, so there's the peasan

I recommended for

the collaboration medal.

I thought you said

he was missing!

He was!

Silence!

Yodel-odel--

I have bad news

for you.

Berlin did not accept

my recommendation.

Blowing up a minor

troublemaking general

by accident

does not constitute

a sufficient degree

of collaboration.

You must try to do better

next time, peasant.

I will do my best.

Well, now that I'm here,

I might as well enjoy

a convivial evening.

Carry on.

- Valder-ee

- yodel-odel-ee

- valder-aa

- yodel-odel-aa

- valder-ee

- yodel-odel-ee

on second thought,

I will enjoy a much

more convivial evening

alone at my chateau.

With a knapsack

on my back.

( Theme music playing )