07x06 - The Spirit of Nouvion

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )

Life has become

Very hectic for me

Since the germans

Appointed me editor

Of the new local newspaper.

I am supposed to make them

Seem like nice people,

But it is not

An easy task.

I still have not recovered

From the picnic,

Organized by

General von klinkerhoffen,

To show the human side

Of the german army,

Which was spoiled

By herr flick

And herr von smallhausen

Of the gestapo.

They were up

A nearby telegraph pole

Which had been partially

Sawn through

To make a raft to get

The british airmen to england.

The pole fell over,

Herr flick

And his colleague

Landed splat

In the middle of the picnic,

Ruining the trifle

And custard,

Not to mention

Their trousers,

And I still have

The picnic bill here--

Unpaid.

Oh, oh, michelle,

You will give me

An heart attack

Creeping around

Like that.

I was walking behind you,

Like a shadow.

I saw three shadows

And I thought it was strange.

I must speak

With you, urgently.

I want to talk

To you, too.

When are you

Going to get those

Idiot british airmen

Out of my hair?

I am getting

Some gray ones.

I do not know.

Since the gestapo

Ruined our plan

To build a raft

Of telegraph poles,

We are now going

To have to use

Empty wine barrels

Instead.

But that is not

Why I have come.

Then why?

The resistance have

Run out of funds.

I'm looking for donations.

Come on, cough up.

Cough up,

We are desperate.

We do not have

Any money to give you.

Oh, this cafe is

A thriving business.

I think the resistance

Should get

A regular cut

Of the takings.

Where is the money?

We have not

Taken any money,

And giving money away

Is out of the question.

You wouldn't

Want any accidents

To happen, would you?

What sort of accidents?

( Whistle blows )

( All yell )

That kind

Of accident.

Oh my god.

Come on.

We are desperate

And flat broke.

Oh, a few

Lousy francs!

What valuables

Do you have

To sell

For our funds?

We do not have

Any valuables!

Rene, what about

The painting

Of the fallen madonna

With the big boobies?

What painting?

The one you

Made me give

To herr flick

Of the gestapo.

It must be

Worth millions.

Then we must

Get it back

And sell it.

With the money

We can buy

Food and g*ns

And ammunition.

And shampoo.

Oh, yes. Of course,

I've made

A note of that.

I will go and discuss it

With my girls.

We will come up

With a plan.

If I have a good idea,

I will let you know.

If you have a good idea,

We will let

The whole town know.

Why did you have to open

Your big mouth

About that painting?

I did it for france.

She's a fanatic,

That one.

We must help michelle

To get the painting back

To sell after the w*r.

But then she will

Have it, not you.

Better in her hands

Than in the safe

Of herr flick.

We will find

A way to steal it

From michelle.

My mad, brave husband,

It is a dangerous plan.

If you are caught at it,

You could be shot.

It is a risk

I have often taken.

A few million francs

Can make a man

Awfully courageous.

Oh, rene,

Put your arm around me,

Give me some

Of your courage.

That is all I can

Spare at the moment.

Every bit helps.

Special delivery

From berlin,

Herr flick.

Ah, it is

From my godfather,

Heinrich himmler.

I recognize

The scented notepaper.

Let us hope

He has not heard

About the c*ck-up

On the telegraph pole.

"Dear otto, I have heard

About the c*ck-up

On the telegraph pole."

Word gets about

Quickly, herr flick.

Silence.

"I am most

Displeased about it.

I have heard rumors

That you have been

Consorting with women

Of the opposite sex.

Only sissies

Go out with girls,

And I expect you

To stop immediately."

Uncle heinie

Is cutting off

Our extracurricular

Crumpet.

He does not say

Anything about me,

Herr flick.

"P.s. And that goes

For your m*dget friend

As well."

( Knocking )

See who it is.

Who is out there?

It is i, helga!

We are not allowed

To talk to girls.

Let her in,

Von smallhausen.

I must break

The bad news to her.

It is so cold

Out there,

My nose is running.

Sit down, helga.

I have bad news for you.

I realize that you

Will never have met

Such a powerful,

Virile man as i.

After me, all men

Will be an anticlimax,

I know.

But I must

End it all now.

Are my ears hearing

Me correctly?

( Sniffs )

Take this handkerchief,

You will need it.

I'm afraid

Our relationship

Is finished.

The love affair

Of the century is over.

You may let

The tears commence.

( Blowing nose )

But, herr flick,

After all my devotion

And loyalty to you?

You have not been

That devoted, helga.

You have dallied

With the italian captain.

Lips other than mine

Have touched yours--

Garlic stained lips.

How dare you?!

After all I've done for you,

You conceited little pig.

I do not recall any

Of these things.

She was insulting me,

Not you.

I am afraid, helga,

That you have

Just talked yourself

Out of the share

I was saving for you

In the painting

Of the fallen madonna

With the big boobies.

You have not got it.

It is in my safe,

So there!

But that is not possible.

From where did you get it?

I'm not telling you.

That will teach you

To insult me.

Now hand von smallhausen

Your key to the dungeon.

Oooh!

It is still hot.

Put it on the table.

Now go,

And do not look back.

Do not think I care

About the painting.

I would not take

A gift from you

If I were starving

And penniless.

But let me tell you

Something else,

Herr flick

Of the gestapo,

I've had more thrills

Staying in and reading

The collected speeches of

Goebbels in serbo-croat,

Than in going out

With you.

She took it like a man,

Herr flick.

She has also just ruined

My best gestapo suit!

Uncle heinie is right,

We are better off

Without women.

In that case,

I've always

Been better off.

Since I let it

Be known

The newspaper was

Looking for somebody

To encapsulate the true

Spirit of nouvion,

We have been inundated

With photographs

Of young women.

Ungh, ah.

Oh, ohhh!

Oh, my dicky ticker.

It cannot stand

The excitement.

Hello, rene.

Hello,

Monsieur alphonse.

I have come

To be photographed

For your spirit

Of nouvion contest.

Ah, madame edith.

We thank you for gracing

Our small newspaper office

With your presence.

I will arrange

For you a stool.

You are not seriously

Entering the contest,

Are you?

Rene, you of all people

Should know that

I have the perfect qualities

You said you wanted:

Beauty, strength,

Virtue.

One out of three is

A start, I suppose.

But you are the editor.

Surely your decision

Is final?

I am only

The editor because

The colonel forced

The job on me.

But it would look bad

If I showed favoritism.

In that case, I shall

Have to take my chance

With the rest

Of the competition--

If there is any.

Aha!

I have come

To be photographed

For the spirit

Of nouvion contest.

What are you doing away

From your post at the bar?

Well, mimi is there.

And I am here because

I have strength,

Virtue, and beauty.

Certainly

Two out of three.

I only at the moment have

One photograph plate,

Mademoiselle.

Yvette, go and si

Next to edith.

We will photograph

You together,

And cut the photo

In half.

Mimi, what are you

Doing here?

I have come

To be photographed

For the spirit

Of nouvion contest.

Have I not

The qualifications required?

Oh, yes.

It's just that they are

In a smaller package.

What is she

Doing here?

I thought you were

Feeding the chickens.

I am having my photo

Taken for the contest.

( Laughing )

Don't bother.

I am entering

The competition,

So you have no chance.

The judges are

Bound to pick me.

Only if you

Bribe them first.

How dare you?!

( Shrieking )

Please keep

Your girls

Under control,

Monsieur.

Stop that.

Stop it!

We will photograph

You all together,

And cut it

Into three.

Now sit down

And behave.

Both:

Yes, rene.

Let me see

The true spirit

Of nouvion.

After what

I have just seen,

It's going to make

A very hard decision.

I will go and get

This developed

In the privacy

Of my darkroom,

Where I also keep

My blood pressure pills.

Now, no more squabbling.

All right, you two, get back

And look after the cafe.

And be assured,

The decision

Of the editor is final.

Both:

Yes, rene.

Oh, rene, you are so

Good for those girls.

They need

A strict discipline.

I do my best,

Edith.

( Rene groans )

- Good moaning.

- Good moaning.

Monsieur leclock

Said that

I would fond

You here, ronnie.

I have a massage

From michelle.

And what is

The massage?

It is aboot

The punting

Of the fillen midinna

With the bog beebies.

"We will tunnel into--

The dungeon

Of herr flick,

From the old disused

Bakery next door,

And steal the painting

From his safe tonight."

Oh, yes, yes. I suppose

She thinks that I keep

A road drill under my bed,

Not to mention

A welding machine.

No, she has gone mad!

Monsieur leclock

Is an experienced

Sofebricker.

He has alriddy

Agrode to dee it,

And he has the towels

To do the jib.

But herr flick and

Herr von smallhausen

Will be in

The dungeon tonight.

You must

Get them out.

How?

You must telephone

Them, aninymously,

And say that

A secret massage

Will be pissed in

Your cafe tonight.

The massage

Will be filse,

But it will

Lear them away

From their dingeon.

Oh, she has thought

Of everything.

How comforting.

Michelle will

Randyvous with you

In the square,

At half-pissed tin.

I do not recall having

A randyvous in the square--

Since I was

A bachelor.

( Sucks in air )

Tsk, tsk, tsk,

You make that move,

He take your pawn.

Be quiet,

It's all part

Of my game plan.

Checkmate.

That's impossible.

I withdraw my move.

Any complaint

Will be regarded

As unsporting.

I withdraw.

I was being

Too hasty.

Oh, dear,

I'm sorry, colonel.

I seem to have

Checkmated you again.

In that case,

You have a tricky

Problem to solve.

Colonel,

I have some

Intelligence,

Which you may find

Most interesting.

What is this

Intelligence, helga?

Herr flick has somehow

Obtained the painting

Of the fallen madonna

With the big boobies.

It is in his safe.

But, helga,

You do still have

The key to his dungeon?

In a fit of pique,

I gave it back.

Helga! You should

Have made a copy.

How can we get in

To steal the painting?

Could you not

Disguise yourselves

As resistance desperados

And blow down the door?

But herr flick and

His little pygmy friend,

They inside.

All the better.

You stick them up

With g*ns,

And make them

Open the safe.

You get the painting,

The resistance gets the blame.

Well, it does have

A certain

Crude simplicity,

But I really don't think

I fancy the role

Of desperado.

We can use

Bertorelli's men.

Do I get a cut when

We sell the painting?

We give you

Our word.

Okey-dokey.

But I tell them

It's a training exercise,

Or they want

A cut of the action.

Very well,

We'll do it

Tonight

At midnight.

( Phone rings )

Good afternoon,

Gestapo

Secret headquarters,

Can I help you?

( Disguising voice )

This is a friend.

Give me herr flick,

Please.

We have a friend,

Herr flick.

Our first!

Perhaps you'd like to come

Round for tea one afternoon?

This is the gestapo,

Von smallhausen,

Not the women's institute.

This is herr flick.

If you go to cafe rene

Tonight

At just before 10:00,

You might see a secret

Message being passed,

Which could be

Of interest to you.

And what is this message?

( Phone clicks )

He has rung off.

What did he say?

We must go to the cafe rene

This evening,

To intercept

A secret message.

This could put us back

In uncle heinie's

Good books.

But surely they would not

Pass a message if they see

Two sinister figures

Like us, herr flick.

Figures that strike terror

Into the eyes of all

That behold them,

As they limp

Through the mists

Of the narrow

Cobbled streets of nouvion,

To keep their date

With destiny.

Do not let that

Peter lorre film

We saw last night

Completely dominate

Your mind, von smallhausen.

I'm sorry,

Herr flick.

We will go in disguise.

I shall go

As a debonair

Man about town.

You will go

As my lady companion.

But i-- I have

Nothing to wear.

There is, in the gestapo

Disguise cupboard,

A very pretty

Pink frock.

You will also find

A box of accessories.

Will we be

On our first date,

Or are we going steady?

What has that

Got to do with it?

Well, it will influence

My choice of undergarment.

Do not mention undergarments,

Von smallhausen.

It reminds me too much

Of the fruit

My uncle heinie has

Forbidden me to pick.

I'm sorry, herr flick.

Go and titivate yourself

Immediately.

And make sure

You shave your legs.

Is that necessary?

Senior gestapo officers

Do not go out on the town

With hairy-legged midgets.

Is it true blondes

Have more fun?

Yes,

But not in your case.

And love ♪

Fell out

With me-eee. ♪

Peasants!

Good evening, monsieur.

Good evening, madame.

Good evening.

( Falsetto )

Good evening.

I'm afraid you have

Just missed the singing.

We are

Music lovers,

So that

Is good news.

Bring me

The wine list.

Of course, monsieur.

Rene, it is herr flick

And herr von smallhausen

In disguise,

At that table there.

The plan

Is working.

Just act normally.

Get to the door;

Give monsieur leclerc

The signal.

Yes.

I will just see

If it is raining.

It is not raining.

The wine list,

Monsieur.

Shall we order

Champagne?

Certainly not!

I do not buy champagne

For ugly girls like you.

But otto, darling,

Surely we could splash out

On a bottle of bubbly?

Do not push your luck,

Von smallhausen.

Rene, do you

Think it will work?

Provided monsieur

Leclerc has not

Gone to sleep

In a doorway--

He has been

Out there an hour.

I do hope he looks

Suspicious enough.

You cannot look

Much more suspicious

Than that.

Matches, lovely matches.

Who will buy some matches

From a poor old

Match seller?

Come over here with me,

By the bar,

Poor old match seller,

Whom I do not know.

I think you might have

Something for me.

There is a difference

Between being suspicious

And being deranged,

You silly old fool.

They have not

Noticed.

God knows how

They can have missed you.

Go out

And do it again.

I go. I come back.

Are you keeping

Your eyes skinned?

Yes, but I cannot find

Any chateau-bottled wines.

Forget

The wine list.

We are looking

For something

Suspicious.

Very well, herr flick.

And stop eyeing up

The men

At the next table,

And cover

Yourself up,

You are showing

Too much leg.

I will not be

Two-timed

By an over

Titivated tart.

I'm sorry, darling.

And do not call me "darling."

But he keeps winking at me.

He's obviously drunk.

Ignore him.

Have you chosen yet,

Monsieur?

Yes, I will

Have a glass

Of your finest

Cognac.

And for this remarkable

Looking lady?

She will

Have a glass

Of your most

Inferior wine.

Matches!

Who will buy my matches?

Look, an old

Match seller.

And a stranger

To me.

I wonder what

He wants here?

Mamma:

Ernest?

What are you doing?

I have been

Waiting upstairs

For hours.

Are you not

Coming up?

I am just passing

This secret message,

Fanny.

What was that?

( Louder )

I am just passing

This secret message.

A secret message?

What secret message?

Get back to bed,

You silly old bat.

You can get knotted.

Ahem.

I have brought you

This message, monsieur.

Stop!

I will take

This message.

For I am

None other than

Herr flick

Of the gestapo.

No! What a surprise.

- ( Scream in unison )

- ( Glass breaks )

My masterly

Use of disguise

Has fooled

You all.

Read the message,

Von smallhausen.

"The two birds

You are looking for

Will be in

The hollow tree,

20 Paces

Along the river

From the old bridge,

And 40 paces

Into the woods

At midnight."

Hmm, "the two birds,"

Birds fly,

And so do airmen.

Aha!

The british airmen

Are hidden in the tree.

We will go there at midnight

And apprehend them.

Nobody is to

Leave the cafe

Or go to

The woods,

Or there will be

Severe penalties.

Herr von smallhausen?

You forgot your handbag.

And your seams

Are crooked.

Oh, rene, it worked.

They will be out

Of the dungeon

When we break in tonight.

Go and get

Your safebreaking

Equipment,

We will set off

For the bakery

Very shortly.

- Ernest?

- Heh?

Are you not

Coming up to bed,

My love?

I feel rather

Playful.

First,

I must get my drill

And dynamite, fanny.

Ah, well,

On second thoughts,

I think I will have

An early night.

This must be the tree,

Herr flick.

Shine

Your torch in it,

And see if

The british airmen

Are in there.

There are just

These two pheasants,

Herr flick.

There is a note on them.

What does it say?

"Dear rene,

These are the two birds

To put on your menu.

Signed,

A. Poacher."

We have been led

On a wild goose chase,

Von smallhausen.

( Animal squeaks )

What was that?

( Squeak )

( Squeak )

I have been struck

By a hazelnut.

( Squeaking )

What impudence!

We are the gestapo!

( Machine g*n firing )

Well?

We have come up

Under the safe

Of herr flick.

We have to cut away

At the metal now.

That is monsieur

Leclerc's job.

I am ready.

Is the coast

Still clear?

Officer crabtree is

Standing by in the square.

If anyone comes,

He will let us know.

Remind me never to go

Safebreaking with you again.

That should

Just be enough

expl*sive

To blow up the door.

Good moaning.

Wit are you deeing

Littering outsod

The secret headquitters

Of herr flock

Of the gestoopoo

At this tome of nit?

Gruber:

We were just--

Taking the night air,

Officer.

You mist accimpany me

To the poloose stotion.

Whatever for?

I suspect you are

Committing a biglery.

And what if

We don't want to go?

Then I shall hov

To use fierce.

I am outnimbered,

But I am a bog min,

And I can tik you

On any dee of the wick.

( Whistles )

My men, they got

No respect for the fuzz.

Okay,

I light the fuse.

This better be right,

Bertorelli.

You will hardly

Notice anything,

Colonel.

I think maybe

I overdo

The dynamite.

Hands up!

There's no one here.

Without herr flick

And von smallhausen,

How are we going

To open the safe?

Maybe one of my men

Knows how to do it.

Safebreaking

Is a very complicated

Business, captain.

That lot won't

Have a clue.

Step forward,

Anyone who knows

How to crack the safe.

That's my boys.

Everyone has

Done the porridge.

Okay, I take you.

The rest of you,

Wait outside.

- ( Men groan )

- I said outside!

You keep watch

For the snoopers.

Gruber, look.

Herr flick

Has a league table

Of all the resistance

Suspects in the area.

Look, here is rene.

How handsome

He looks.

But why are there

Two photographs of him?

Colonel:

I think that's

His late twin brother.

The one you shot.

Please, colonel,

Do not remind me.

The vision of him

Haunts me still.

According to this chart,

Rene is high up

On the list of suspects.

That is because

He is very popular.

If I was herr flick,

He'd be number one.

I have cut through

The bottom of the safe.

Where is

The painting?

It is inside,

On a shelf.

Some safebreaker.

Mind out, I will get it.

Come on, baby,

Open for alvaro.

( Lock clicks )

It's done.

Right, you wait

Outside now.

Lieutenant gruber!

Aarghh!

What's the matter,

Gruber?

In there--

The disembodied head

Of rene's twin brother!

All white and ghostly.

And he spoke my name.

Rene:

I am stuck.

Pull me out.

What's the matter,

Gruber?

Where's the painting?

No painting.

Just that

Horrible head.

Oh, will this

Restless spiri

Never leave me

In peace?

Aarghh!

What rubbish.

( Gasps )

Oh, colonel

Von strohm,

I can explain--

He spoke my name.

Did he mention my name?

Not yet.

Oh, thank god!

Mamma mia.

Ahhh!

Wait for me.

We are done for.

The germans are

On the other side

Of the wall.

What?!

Lieutenant gruber

Opened the door,

And the colonel--

They both saw me.

Oooh! What are

We going to do?

What are we going to do?

If I am caught,

I shall say it was

All your idea.

I think I should tell you

That you have just

Lessened your chances

Of winning

The spirit of nouvion

Competition.

We have what we came for.

Give me the painting.

No, it will be safe

Down my trousers.

There are germans everywhere.

What are we to do?

What every frenchman

Does in an emergency--

Leg it for the hills.

If I do not win

That spirit of nouvion

Contest,

I will tell michelle

That you have a forgery

Down your other trouser leg,

Which you intend to give her.

You would not do that.

Oh, believe me, rene,

The decision of the wife

Of the editor is final.

Oh, all right.

You will win.

Michelle,

Wait for us.

( Theme music playing )