08x02 - Arousing Suspicions

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )

You see before you a man

More worried than usual.

My young waitress yvette

Has announced

That she is pregnant.

And worse still, it appears

That I am the father.

Apparently, it came

And was due to

An encounter

That we had

In the broom cupboard

During an air raid.

I do not remember

The exact night,

Between you and me.

I do not remember that,

But yvette assures me

It was the night

When the bangs were

At their biggest.

Fortunately,

My wife edith

Does not know

Who the father is,

Or she would

Hit the roof,

Not to mention me.

If I could escape,

I would

Before, as the old

French saying goes,

The bun in the oven

Hits the fan.

In the meantime,

My hair is liable

To fall out overnight

With worry,

If most of it has not

Dropped out already.

- Ohh-hh, rene.

- Ohh.

Oh, rene, I have

An uncontrollable urge

That is

Driving me wild.

Not the broom cupboard

Again.

No, pickles.

Pickles?

Oh, it is a desperate

Craving.

I cannot get enough.

What a surprise.

Come here, give me that.

These are

For the customers.

If you want any more,

There is a big barrel

In the kitchen.

I've already eaten them.

You what?

- Oh, rene.

- Ohh.

Hold me. Hug me.

Kiss me.

( Coughs )

Perhaps later outside,

If there is a favorable

Wind blowing.

Oh, I am sorry, rene.

It is being pregnant

That gives me these cravings.

Take a deep breath

And hug me.

Ohh.

( Both inhale )

Ohh!

- Oh, rene.

- Rene!

What are you doing

Holding that servant girl

In your arms?

You stupid woman!

Have you forgotten

That this poor innocent

Child is pregnant?

- Ohh.

- She was overpickled.

If I had not caught her,

She would have fallen.

Go into the kitchen.

Eat some dry bread.

It will soak up

The vinegar.

Ooh. And open

The windows.

Yes, madame edith.

Oh, rene, I am sorry.

I did not realize

She was feeling

Under the weather.

Yes, well, it will pass.

But in the meantime

I think you should be

As supportive as possible.

Yes, you are right.

Oh, rene,

Do you not think

Her pregnancy

Has brought two people

Closer together?

It had occurred

To me, yes.

Is it not time you did

The honorable thing?

What?

After all,

We have been living

Under the same roof

With the whole village thinking

You are my dead husband's

Twin brother.

Should you not do

What everyone expects?

Well, how do they know

That we are not?

I mean, get married.

We could have

A second honeymoon

Even more memorable

Than the first.

Well, it will take

A long time

To forget the first.

Good moaning.

Good moaning.

I have a massage

From michelle.

She has got a bog,

Powerful bottery.

Why are you

Telling us this?

It is for the roodio.

The old one is very wick.

Where did she get

This bottery?

From lieutenant greeber's

Little tonk.

Oh my god,

We will all get shot.

Well, she is not

Bringing it here.

Do not weary, ronnie.

It will be disgeesed

In a minner

That will not

Aroose suspotion.

Well, I must be

About my bossness.

I have a cream

To solve.

What cream is this?

Who stole the bottery

From lieutenant greeber's

Little tonk.

Colonel, something

Terrible has happened.

Somebody has stolen

The battery

From my little tank.

Is that all?

I thought it was

Something serious,

Like the invasion

Or something.

It is serious.

I thought the french

Liked us.

Don't be silly.

We're germans.

By the way, the general

Has given permission

For officers of my rank

To make one call to

Their families.

I've put a call through

To my wife rosa.

I haven't heard her voice

For three years.

How I miss her!

You told me

She was boring.

In fact

I never understood

Why you married her.

Two reasons:

I was young and handsome

And the second?

She was

The local crumpet.

( Phone ringing )

How lonely she must be

Without me.

Hello--

Who's that?

Leopold?

Leopold who?

Ah, the gardener

From next door.

I wish to speak

To rosa.

She's what?

Then wake her up.

She's still in bed.

Hello?

Guess who this is.

No. No.

( Giggles )

No.

It's me, erich.

Erich, your husband.

By the way,

What's the gardener

Doing in our house?

Oh, the window boxes.

For a moment

He's putting

Growmore on what?

Well, if the kettle's

Boiling,

I suppose

You have to go.

Yes, dearest.

Goodbye.

Everything normal

At home?

I'm afraid so.

( Yells )

General von klinkerhoffen!

- Heil hitler.

- Heil hitler.

This is just

An informal visit.

I have a little

Task for you.

Neutral spain is sending

Half a dozen or so

Flamenco dancers

On a goodwill tour.

They will arrive

In nouvion today.

See that they are

Billeted in the town.

Tonight they will

Entertain at my chateau.

You are both invited.

We deserve a little

Divertissement,

Don't you agree?

Yes, general.

- It will be very welcome.

- Excellent.

Oh, by the way,

Intelligence reports

Maneuvers

On a massive scale

Invasion could be

Imminent.

Personally,

It will be a relief

To see some action.

We can't wait to get

Into the thick of it.

- At 8:00.

- At 8:00.

The sooner we get to spain,

The better.

I'm sorry,

I forgot to give you this.

It arrived this morning.

Oh, this will be

The message

From my friend

In madrid

Who was going to find

The art expert

To value the painting

Of the fallen madonna

With the big boobies.

Well, what does it say?

"Having a lovely time.

Wish you were here.

Pedro."

Of course, the real

Message will appear

When I hold the postcard

Over the flame.

I'm relieved to hear it.

"The man you can trust

Is visiting nouvion.

He will be with

The touring flamenco troupe.

His name is

Juan garcia."

Oh!

"Give him a photograph

Of the painting

And a piece of canvas

To be tested.

If genuine, we will find

A buyer in spain."

Then we can escape

And be rich.

Call helga in.

Can you spare a moment?

Helga, you must produce

Your booby.

I beg your pardon?

We need to

Photograph the painting

With two boobies

For an art expert

To assess.

Well, I'm not parting

With my booby.

It is the only security

I have to ensure

I get a cut

Of the painting

When it is sold.

On the other hand,

I am willing to have

My booby photographed.

But the original

Will not leave

My possession.

- What?

- Never mind.

We can always explain

That we could rejoin it

Should a deal be struck.

Meanwhile, we can

Photograph the painting

With my hand

Over the missing bit.

Oh, very well.

You're dismissed!

Thank you, colonel.

Here,

Hold the painting.

I've got a camera

Here somewhere.

How will we develop it?

We will commandeer

The chemist, of course.

Ah.

Well, smile.

( Banging )

What is all that

Banging, edith?

Michelle of the resistance

Is removing the old

Flat battery

From under the floor

In the attic.

Its terminals

Are rusty.

My god, the whole town

Will hear.

You missed a bit.

Come on.

( Sighs )

Listen very carefully,

I shall wheeze this

Only once.

This is the flat battery.

The new one will

Arrive shortly

And this will be

Collected.

I cannot have people

Walking in and out of here

With batteries.

Somebody will report it.

Well, the new one

Is being delivered

By monsieur alfonse,

The undertaker.

He is taking the risk,

Not you.

And now I can reveal

A daring plan

Devised by general de gaulle

Himself.

The one

With the big?

The same.

He has decided

That we should set up

A resistance radio station

Here in nouvion.

We will broadcast

The truth about the w*r,

Undermining german morale

And rousing the brave

French people to arms

In preparation

For the invasion.

But surely

The germans will track down

The radio station.

We will move the equipment

Around the countryside.

Our broadcasts will be made

From different locations.

And if somebody

Sees us broadcasting?

Impossible.

We will prerecord

Our broadcasts

On wax cylinders

And then play them

When we are not there.

Of course.

But where do we get

These wax cylinders?

The british will drop

The cylinders

And the edison

Recording machine

By parachute.

The next radio message

Will tell us when and where.

- I want no part of this.

- It's too late.

- You are already

In the schedule.

- What?

You, nighthawk,

Will broadcast wednesdays

After "breakfast time

With nanou."

What is that?

It is the provisional

Title

For my daily chat show.

Nanou is my code name.

People cannot listen

To propaganda all the time.

They need some

Light relief.

Perhaps I could

Sing a song

To boost morale.

Uh, unfortunately,

Madame edith,

You have a very

Distinctive voice

Which would give

The game away.

Oh, my talent is

A blessing and a curse.

But more one

Than the other.

You are very quiet,

Herr flick.

Is something

Bothering you?

I am thinking,

Von smallhausen,

It is vital

That we recover

The painting

Of the fallen madonna

Which helga craftily

Stole from us.

That will not be easy,

Herr flick.

We do not know

Where it is.

My highly-trained

Intellect tells me

That it is probably

Hidden in her quarters.

I think we should

Go there

And sniff around.

That is not possible,

Herr flick.

Helga lives

In a female-only hostel.

I am aware of this.

Open the special

Gestapo disguise cupboard

And you will find inside

Full uniforms

For female privates

Of the german army.

We will put on

The uniforms,

Gain access to the hostel

And search helga's room.

That is a fiendishly

Clever plan, herr flick.

As always.

Now, von smallhausen,

You will notice on my desk

A basket of fruit

Which uncle heiny

Has sent from berlin.

The connection

Escapes me.

But then,

Most things do.

Then pay attention.

To complete our disguises

We must select

The appropriate fruit

For our false bosoms.

Hmm, the grapefruits

Are not quite ripe yet.

Perhaps I should have

The lemons.

I am only small.

You forget,

Von smallhausen,

We are posing

As german women.

We will take the melons.

The new bottery

Is in the bottom

Of the smell kiffen.

Put it on the table.

And how is this method

Of transporting the battery

Supposed to full

The germans?

Because on top

Is your

Favorite parrot,

The late roger.

But I do not have one.

And if I had,

I would not call it

Roger.

If I am questioned,

I will say we are taking it

To the pet cemetery

For the internment.

( Sighs )

Well, get the battery out.

Come on.

Wha-- what--?

Ah.

I do not want

To weary you,

But two german ifficers

Are about to enter the kiffe.

- You are on your own.

- What?

I shall disappear

Up the back passage.

Oh my god,

We are done for.

Quick, put the battery

On a chair.

Hide it. Hide it,

Quickly. Quickly.

Come along.

Come along.

Ah, rene,

Is everything all right?

We were worried

To see a hearse outside.

He's just come to collect

Rene's favorite parrot.

Roger.

Really?

I never knew you had one.

( Crying )

I kept it in the backroom.

Looks like he's been gone

Quite a while.

No, he popped off today.

I am taking it

To the pet cemetery.

Of course.

Gruber, pull up a chair.

Let's have a drink.

Uh

Oh, for some reason

There appears to be

A 24-volt battery

On my chair.

Uh, I can explain that,

Of course.

Well, explain.

Well, it was like this,

You see--

- If I may interject

- Yes, please.

Monsieur, it is a custom

To make sure

The departed

Have indeed departed.

Monsieur rene

Was trying

A last-moment attempt

At revitalization

Using the electric

Terminals.

Yes, this is true.

I had already tried

Blowing down its beak.

What happened?

The wind just came out

The other end.

I was going to have

One last go

With the battery

Terminals.

Let us all pray

For roger.

Dear gid,

Do not let this porrot

Slop away

If there is still

A flicker of loof.

So

One final go

At giving a jump-start

To dear old roger.

( All scream, coughing )

Well, if it wasn't

Dead before,

It's dead now.

- Rene

- Yes?

This battery has

Military markings.

This is

From my little tank.

- No!

- Yes.

I said that man

With wellington boots,

The beard,

The dark glasses

And the green bicycle

Who sold it to you

Only 10 minutes ago

Was a shifty-looking

Character.

With such a clear

Descruption,

He will not escoop

The long arm of the loo.

Do you believe this?

We have the battery,

Colonel.

Well, it's your decision.

Rene, you will accommodate

Half a dozen spanish

Dancers tonight.

Could I not

Just go to jail?

They are a touring

Flamenco troupe

Who are entertaining

Tonight at the chateau.

Send the general

The bill.

Meanwhile,

We will take the battery.

Girls, do not adjus

Your suspenders

In front of officers!

Gruber:

Oh, it's quite

All right, ladies.

We are not offended

In the slightest.

I am off

To the pet cemetery.

It seems

A very heavy parrot.

Well, he had just

Had his breakfast.

Good.

Helga is not here.

We will search

Every nook and cranny

Of her room

For the painting

Of the fallen madonna.

Yes, herr flick.

What are you doing,

Von smallhausen?

My melons are slipping,

Herr flick.

I told you your choice

Of brassiere size

Was too small.

These cantaloupe melons

Are at least a 42b.

Sorry, herr flick.

Begin the search.

Under the bed.

What the--?

Oh, it's you,

Herr flick.

What are you doing

In my quarters

And why are you dressed

In this manner?

We are looking

For the painting

Of the fallen madonna

Which you stole

From my quarters

By cruelly making

Von smallhausen believe

That you loved him.

I did believe it.

In my sleep, I still

Cry out your name.

How do you know

If you are asleep?

Because it wakes me up.

If you hand it over,

I will reward you

Generously.

How generously?

You will participate

In the profit

From the sale

And I will take you back

Into my manly affections.

That is a tempting offer,

Herr flick.

You are a tantalizingly

Attractive man,

Even wearing a skir

And stockings with

Crooked seams.

I know.

You may kiss me.

I'm already late

For my gym class,

But I cannot resist you.

Pull up your melons

Over your eyes,

Von smallhausen.

I do not wish you

To get excited.

Kissing is strictly

Forbidden between privates!

I'm sorry, major.

I sometimes get carried away

By my affectionate nature.

Do you now?

Report to my quarters

This evening after supper!

Yes, major.

Dismissed!

Who are you two?

We are new girls, major.

We have been transferred

From another division.

Why are you not

In your gym kit?

The exercise class

Is about to begin.

Our kit bags

Have not yet arrived.

We will have to

Miss the class,

I am afraid.

Certainly not!

I have never seen

Such puny-looking girls.

I will soon

Get you into shape.

You will do the class

In your underwear!

Strip!

Let the exercise begin.

Ready? Go!

Higher!

This was not a good idea,

Von smallhausen.

Lemons would have been

Better, herr flick.

Where is a good earth

For this battery?

Try the water pipes.

They are under the

Floorboards.

It is too far to reach.

This will have to do.

Oh, edith,

What is going on?

I want to go

To the bathroom.

Hold on, mama.

We are about to talk

To london.

Man:

Hello, nighthawk.

This is london calling.

Are you receiving?

Over.

'Allo, london.

This is nighthawk.

Receiving you

Loud and clear.

Pass your message.

Over.

Rene, the flamenco

Dancers have arrived.

And I want to go

To the bathroom.

Hold on, london,

A moment.

Give the dancers

Some drinks.

- And keep them downstairs.

- Yes, rene.

Sorry about that, london.

I was just dealing

With some flamenco dancers

And my mother-in-law wants

To go to the bathroom.

Man:

Look up that code.

No, it is not code.

It is a normal day

Somewhere in france.

Now pass your message.

Over.

Man:

The equipment

You asked for

Will be dropped

This evening

At the usual place

At the usual time.

Over.

What usual place?

This is blue tit.

Message received

And understood.

Over and out.

Everything is

Under control.

Now that you're

Finished,

I must go

To the bathroom.

( Crackling )

Rene, do something.

What--?

You idiot, michelle.

You have earthed

My mother-in-law.

That was good

For me, fanny.

How was it for you?

( Spits )

Rene, I have found

The spanish flamenco

Dancers in the cellar.

- Well, get them out.

- I cannot.

They have drunk

Six cases of wine

And are all

Flat out on their backs.

Oh my god.

I must go and talk

To the colonel.

Rene, something awful

Has happened.

- Not now, michelle.

- Yes, now.

The british airplane

Has dropped the equipment.

We have the recording machine,

But the parachute

Bearing the wax cylinders

Was blown off course

And has landed

Down the chimney

Of the general's quarters

At the chateau.

We can see the parachute

Sticking out of the top.

Another c*ck-up?

Never mind.

We can send

Your small waitress, mimi,

Into the chateau.

She can climb up the chimney

And retrieve the cylinders.

But the chateau

Is heavily guarded.

How will she get in?

We will dress her as one

Of the flamenco dancers.

They are due

To perform there tonight.

She can tag along.

Michelle, the dancers

Are all drunk.

They will be going

Nowhere tonight.

We will take the place

Of the spanish dancers

And get mimi

Into the chateau.

I am having nothing

To do with this, michelle,

- And that is final.

- On one of those cylinders

Was a personal message to you

From general de gaulle.

It even mentions

Your name.

It was to be a surprise.

Well, that is

A surprise.

Where did you say

Those costumes were?

In the cellar

With the dancers.

Quick, there is no

A moment to lose.

Follow me.

This is

The room we want.

We have not

A moment to lose.

Mimi, are you ready

To climb up the chimney?

I am ready.

This is very

Dangerous, michelle.

What if the germans came in

And caught us

While we are at it?

I will weet by the deer

And keep a lickout.

I will not fail.

Give me a leg up,

Someone.

Come on, come on.

I am looking forward

To this.

I thought we could all do

With a little

Light relief.

It's juan garthia

And his troupe.

I understand they're

Quite amusing.

Excellent choice,

General.

Have you got

The photograph

And a sample

Of canvas?

They must surely

Be ready by now.

- Go and see what's

Keeping them, gruber.

- Yes, general.

Lieutenant greeber

Is heeding this woo.

My god.

Stay where you are, mimi.

Veils on, everyone.

The general is ready

For you now.

Are you juan?

If it's anything urgent.

I have what you want.

( Thin voice )

You have

( Normal voice )

Have you?

Is everybody ready?

Then let's not keep

The general waiting.

Rene, you stay here

And help mimi

Down the chimney.

Monsieur alfonse,

Are you ready?

Well, it's a long time

Since I last had a twang,

But I'll do my best.

- Ready?

- ( Clicks castanets )

Then follow me.

( Playing guitar )

Did you tell them?

They are on their way.

( Wailing )

It will be hard to know

After this

Whether to applaud that one

Or give her first aid.

( Grunting )

I got the cylinders.

We will hide them

Down our bosoms.

Good. Now,

Let us get

To the fire escape.

Shouldn't you be

Entertaining the officers?

We are just about to,

Señor.

Follow me.

I am covered in soot.

Well, we will say you are

From southern spain.

Ah, this is

More like it.

What dark skin

Some of them have.

The little one's

Quite the turn-on.

What about rosa?

Rosa who?

Granooda

I'm filling

Under your spill

( Wailing )

And if you could spook

What a fascinating tool

You would till

Of an urge

The world has

Ling forgitten

I'm not sure flamenco

Was such a good idea

After all.

Of an urge

That woves

A seelent migic

In granooda

Todee.

( Dancers yelling )

On the next twirl,

Enter the door

And leg it

Down the stairs.

My cylinder is melting.

- Ahh!

- Ahh!

( All wailing )

( Theme music playing )