08x03 - A Woman Never Lies

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )

You may wonder

What I am doing

Driving along

In a van

Dressed as a female

Flamenco dancer

With boot polish

All over my face,

There is, of course,

A perfectly simple

Explanation for this.

The resistance have

Decided to set up

A secret radio station

To undermine the germans

Using wax cylinders to

Prerecord the programs.

The wax cylinders were

Dropped by parachute

By the british,

But unfortunately

Landed down the chimney

Of the chateau.

We had to take

The place of a touring

Spanish flamenco troupe,

Who were due to

Perform at the chateau,

To get in and to

Recover the cylinders.

Oh, excuse me a moment.

Ahem oh.

I have here

One of the cylinders.

Where else

Could I hide it? Hmm?

Well done, rene.

The germans did

Not suspect for a moment

We were not real

Flamenco dancers.

Do you have

The wax cylinders?

Yes, here it is.

I had it down

My cleavage.

It is still warm.

Where is the other cylinder?

Mimi has it down

The front of her dress.

Mimi?

Yes, rene.

Give michelle

Your cylinder

Before it melts.

It is lucky

It did not catch fire.

Ah.

Oh, what a night.

Did we not perform

Well, michelle?

You were a regular trouper,

Madame edith.

I shall never forget

The way you sang and danced.

I do not think

The germans will either.

In the chateau,

Lieutenant gruber

Gave me this photograph

- And a small

Piece of canvas

- Oh?

I think under

The misapprehension

That I was

The real juan garcia.

What do you think?

It is

Lieutenant gruber

Holding the portrait

Of the fallen madonna

With the big boobies

By van clomp.

- No!

- Yes!

But that has been

Missing for two years.

What is lieutenant

Gruber doing with it?

It cannot be

The same painting.

But it is, rene.

Here, have a look!

Monsieur, watch out

For the mailman!

Oh!

( Car crashes )

Oh, thank god, rene.

He missed you.

Oh, I do

Not think the--

The lamppost had

The same luck.

- Good morning, colonel.

- Good morning, helga.

Did you enjoy

The flamenco evening?

Personally, I thought

The singing was appalling,

As was the dancing.

I thought some of the spanish

Were rather pretty.

Although, with the veils,

One could only see their eyes.

Fortunately, I was able

To give the photograph

Of the painting

To juan garcia,

And he will take

It to the art expert

In seville to value it.

That is when

You will have to

Give us back the booby

You cut out of

The painting, helga.

I cannot sell it

With a hole

In such a, well,

Prominent place.

You will get

Your hand on my booby

When I am assured of getting

A cut of the proceeds,

And not before.

Helga, I wish you

Would not meddle.

You should leave things

Like this to the men.

( Knock at door )

Who the devil is this?

- I am juan.

- "One" what?

Juan garcia,

The most famous flamenco

Guitarist in all of spain.

I have come for the photograph

To take to seville.

But I gave it to you

Last night at the chateau.

I was not there.

My flamenco troupe and I

Had too much to drink.

We have only just

Woken up.

Then who were the dancers

At the chateau?

Are you sure

It wasn't you?

Of course I'm sure.

Did they dance

Like this?

( Vocalizes )

I'm sure I would have

Remembered if they had.

Now that I look

More closely, colonel,

This is definitely

Not the man I gave

The photograph to.

Gruber, you idiot.

Well, how was I

To know he was not

The real juan-- one?

If it falls

Into the wrong hands,

We will be

In deep trouble.

This is what comes of

Leaving things to the men.

( Groans )

Rene.

Rene: eh?

I must talk with you

Urgently.

What is it now,

Michelle?

Listen very carefully,

I shall say this

Only once.

I will bring the edison

Recording machine here

This afternoon,

And we will

Prerecord the broadcast

For the secret radio station.

I am still worried

About that, michelle.

The germans are bound

To track it down.

I told you before,

We will move it around

The countryside.

- How?

- The machine will

Be hidden

In monsieur alfonse's

Hearse.

He will drive around

Transmitting our programs

And the germans will

Suspect nothing.

That is very ingenious,

Michelle.

Oh, I wish I had

Your brains.

Not to mention

The rest of her.

This photograph

Clearly shows

That the colonel and lieutenant

Have somehow obtained

The painting of

The fallen madonna.

But why give the photograph

To monsieur alfonse?

Because they thought

He was juan garcia.

We will send a ransom note

To the germans

Saying we will post

This photograph to the general

Unless they pay us

10 Million francs.

How ruthless we are!

And now I must

Go and prepare for

The radio recording.

Hey, what are you doing?

Well, these are for gargling.

I need to lubricate my tonsils

For the broadcast.

- ( Doorbell dings )

- She must have very

Big tonsils.

Doctor leconte said

She had the biggest pair

He had ever seen.

So much for

The hippocratic oath.

The burning question is,

Who has

The incriminating photo?

It can only have been

The resistance, colonel.

No doubt we shall hear

From them soon

In some secret,

Subtle way.

Sooner than you

Expected.

And not so subtle.

A ransom note

From the resistance.

They demand

10 Million francs

Or they will send

The photograph to

General von klinkerhoffen.

This is outrageous.

Don't they know we never

Give in to blackmail?

But if we do not, colonel,

We will all be in it

Up to our necks.

You will, you mean.

I'm not in the photo.

But if I were

Under pressure

You wouldn't.

Well, I would

Hold out

Until someone

Lit a cigarette,

But if they blew

The smoke in my face

And gave a sinister laugh,

I could go to pieces.

We cannot possibly raise

10 Million francs.

There is one possibility,

Colonel.

The garrison

Pay truck is making

Its monthly run

This afternoon.

We could ambush it

And steal the money.

We could disguise

Ourselves as members

Of the resistance

To avoid being recognized

And hold the driver up

At gunpoint.

We can't hold up a truck,

Just the three of us.

We have a storeroom

Full of rubber dummies

We were going to drop

To confuse the british

When we invaded.

We could dress them up

As resistance members

To create the impression

Of a large ambush.

- I don't like it.

- Would you prefer

A firing squad?

I'm weakening.

We will do it.

Gruber, you ge

The dummies,

And you, helga,

Get the costumes.

What will you be doing,

Colonel?

Staying here and writing ou

My last will and testament.

The preparations for

My intimate lunch with helga

Are almost complete.

When she arrives,

Von smallhausen,

You will give her

This glass of wine,

With contains a special

Gestapo truth serum

Extracted from

The female peruvian

Inflating marsh frog,

Which blows itself up

At the height of

The mating season

To attract a partner.

Yes, herr flick.

Under its influence,

Helga will reveal

To us the whereabouts

Of the painting

Of the fallen madonna

Which she stole from us.

The omelet is coming along

Very well, herr flick.

Rising. Rising very quickly,

Herr flick.

Herr flick, herr flick,

It's going out--

It's going out of control!

Herr flick!

You will reverse the process

If you beat it with a spoon.

Oh.

You know how to cope with

Every emergency, herr flick.

Of course.

Cooie!

- I hope I'm not late.

- Perfect timing.

Von smallhausen, a glass

Of wine for helga.

Please sit.

Drink deeply,

My dear.

You are forbidden to see

Another peter lorre

Film for one month.

Now perhaps

You might tell me

Why you invited me here,

Herr flick.

Certainly.

You have just drunk

A very powerful truth serum

Which will take effect

In a matter of seconds.

You will go

Into a trance

And tell me anything

I wish to know.

Do not be ridiculous,

Herr flick, there is no such--

Excellent.

Are you receiving me?

I am yours

To command.

Give us a kiss.

Silence, von smallhausen.

You will take notes.

Now, helga, where

Is the painting of

The fallen madonna?

After I stole it

From you, herr flick,

I gave it to the colonel

And lieutenant gruber

Who are sending

A photograph of it to spain

To be valued

By an art expert

With a view to selling it.

She's going too fast

For me, herr flick.

Shut up

And keep writing.

However, the photograph

Has fallen into the hands

Of the resistance

Who are blackmailing

The colonel and lieutenant

Gruber for 10 million francs.

They cannot raise

The money so they intend

To disguise themselves

As resistance girls

And rob the garrison pay

Truck this afternoon.

Did you get all that,

Von smallhausen?

I have no more lead

In my pencil.

I am relieved to

Hear it as you have

Been pursuing me

For some time

Against my wishes.

As a result

Of this information,

We will also

Disguise ourselves

As resistance members

And catch them

Red-handed.

That is brilliant,

Herr flick!

As always.

Now, helga, you will

Come out of your trance

And remember nothing

Of this conversation.

Yes, herr flick.

There may, however,

Be side effects.

The serum of

The inflating marsh frog

Is not absolutely

Foolproof.

When will these

Side effects begin?

Quick, von smallhausen,

The spoon.

Please plug in the edison

Recording machine.

( Bell dings )

Good moaning.

Good moaning.

I hope I am in tune for

The secret recooding soshon.

We are just about

To begin.

But first, a special message

From general de gaulle

For you, rene.

Man on recorder:

René artois,

Your brave deeds

For the resistance

Will be remembered

By all france.

You deserve a medal,

And as soon

As I am able,

I will personally

Kiss your cheek

And give you a--

And give you a--

And give you a--

- And give you a--

- Oh, the needle has stuck.

Never mind, I got

The general idea.

Do you think he will

Give me one too?

I am sure if he is busy,

One of the other generals will.

Edith!

What is going on?

Leclerc:

Why have we been dragged

Out of bed like this?

Michelle asked us

To bring you both down.

Everyone has a part

To play in the recording.

- What are these?

- These are the scripts

For the recording.

We will rehearse

Them first.

I will get out

My teels of the trode.

What is

All that for?

I am being the sind effox

For the rodeo broadkist.

We will take it

From the top.

"This is radio free france,

Calling on all frenchmen

And women

To revolt against

The n*zi oppressors."

"I am a fighter

For the resistance,

Fearless and stro"--

( Coughing )

"And strong.

I am galloping around

The countryside

To gather support."

( Hoofbeats )

"How swiftly he rides."

"I stop outside

The house of a peasant."

( Neighs )

"I knock them up."

Oh, is this my turn?

Not yet, no no no.

( Knocks )

( Creaks )

"The door opens."

( Creaks )

Twice.

"Hello, I am

A peasant."

- Now it is your turn,

Madame fanny.

- What?

It is your line next

In the script.

- Oh, where?

- Here.

Oh.

No no no,

I cannot read

Without my glasses.

Could we not just water

The horse while we wait?

This is only

A rehearsal.

We will go on

To the second page.

This is you, rene.

Oh. Oh there

Ahem.

"I am nighthawk, the hero

Of the resistance.

I am here in

My secret headquarters,

Planning to overthrow

The germans.

I call upon all

True frenchmen

To rise up behind me."

"I am mrs. Nighthawk,

And I second that."

"I pour two glasses of wine

With a steady hand."

I said a glass,

Not a pint jug.

We are not

Alcoholics, you know.

Sirry, ronnie,

I got carried awoo.

Continue.

"Guess what mrs. Nighthawk

And I are doing now."

( Pouring continues )

Not yet, you idiot.

"We are pouring more glasses

For the brave team

Of resistance fighters,

Whose faces, strong and eager,

Stretch away into the darkness

Beyond the candlelight."

I've run out of ween.

Oh, never mind,

Continue.

"We are loyal

Peasant girls.

- Brigitte."

- "Charlotte."

- "Collete."

- "Norma."

"And nadine."

"And we offer

Our services freely

To our leader, nighthawk."

"We will do

Anything he asks.

Isn't that so, brigitte,

Charlotte, collete,

Norma, nadine, jacqueline,

Genevieve, angelle?"

All:

"Yes yes yes!"

And now we will sing

The song.

Monsieur alfonse, we will

Attempt a trial recording

For volume.

As you wish.

It is ready.

The song is

On the last page.

Monsieur leclerc,

The music.

- Ah.

- ( Clears throat )

- Everyone ready?

- All: mm-hmm.

We are

Resistance fighters

Happy girls and boys

We will fight

The german soldiers

Throwing stones

And great big boulders

We are resistance

Fighters

Sign up with us soon

And hear us

On the radio

Each wednesday

Afternoon.

Yes, well,

Something like that.

Now play it back,

Monsieur alfonse,

So we can see

If it works.

Michelle, do you not

Think somebody is bound

To recognize our voices?

Do not worry.

The edison recording machine

Is designed for a.c./D.c.

Electric current.

Over here, the playback

Will be distorted

By our d.c. Current.

( Music playing )

( High-pitched )

We are resistance fighters,

Happy girls and boys

We will fight

The german soldiers

Throwing stones

And great big boulders

We are resistance fighters,

Sign up with us soon

Well, we certainly sound

More "a.c." Than "d.c."

Put it up

On there.

Ah. That's better.

All right, that should

Do the trick.

Hmm. Now

The pay truck

Will turn off here

And drive down

This dead end

Where we will ambush it.

You've thought

Of everything.

Yes, I have,

Haven't i?

Now let's go and help gruber

With the blow-up dummies.

( Engine approaches )

What on earth

Is gruber doing?

I cannot think,

Colonel.

Gruber?

Ah. Colonel,

The dummies are

All in place.

I think one of them

Has a slow leak.

I was just

Topping it up.

They are not

Very good quality.

The rubber must have

Perished in the storeroom.

Is the diversion sign

In place, colonel?

Von strohm:

Just as planned.

The pay truck will

Be here any minute.

Come on, helga, we must

Conceal the motorcycle

Behind the trees.

( Deflates )

Let us hope

The pay truck arrives

Before we run out

Of dummies.

I do not see any

"Diversion" sign,

Herr flick.

It must be that fork

At the next junction.

Limp rapidly after me,

Von smallhausen.

( Brakes squeal )

I hear something--

An engine.

It must be

The pay truck.

Now remember, we're supposed

To be in the resistance.

We must act like

Ruthless desperados.

I will do my best.

Don't forget--

The french accent.

( Truck approaching )

Good afternoon.

We are sorry

To bother you,

But would you mind

Stepping out for a moment?

We are

Ambushing them,

Not inviting

Them to tea.

( Mutters )

This is an order!

Out of the truck!

Step on it!

You are completely

Surrounded by the finest

Markswomen in the resistance.

Move!

Give us your g*ns

And open the doors.

Get the box

With the money.

You two get

In the back.

One squeak

Out of you

And we will spray you

With the b*ll*ts.

- Come along, gruber.

- Faster.

Come on, quick.

I hope they

Will be all right.

To the motorcycle.

- Ooh!

- Hurry!

I could get quite a taste

For a life of crime.

Hopefully I'm not going

To make a habit of it.

This suspender belt

Is k*lling me.

This is it,

Von smallhausen.

The ambush place

Must be just down here.

We will creep up

On the colonel

And lieutenant gruber

And arrest them as they

Attempt to rob the truck.

( Groans )

- I'm squashed.

- Don't be such

A sissy, gruber.

What about

The blow-up dummies?

We will have to

Leave them behind.

( Groans )

Now

Drive carefully, helga.

I don't wish

To fall off.

Ah. There is the pay truck,

Von smallhausen.

We are not too late

After all.

The road is blocked,

General.

Then follow

The diversion then.

There is no one in it,

Herr flick.

Just an ambush

With dummies.

And the doors

Are still locked.

What does it all mean,

Herr flick?

I see it all.

Clearly the colonel

And lieutenant gruber

Attempted to hold up

The truck,

The guards repelled them

And chased them away

- Through the woods.

- So the money is still

In the truck?

Of course.

We will drive it back

To our headquarters,

Break open the doors

And appropriate the money

For our own uses.

Oh, what a genius you are,

Herr flick.

That goes without saying.

I will drive,

Von smallhausen.

You cannot reach

The pedals.

( Engine sputtering )

What is

Going on here?

It looks like

The garrison pay truck.

( Engine sputters )

Herr flick, what are you doing

Here in this pay truck?

And why are rubber invasion

Dummies dressed in those

Ridiculous clothes?

All part of an armed robbery

Which we foiled.

We are driving this truck

Back to our headquarters

To fingerprint it

And look for clues.

Why are you dressed as members

Of the resistance?

And where are

The security guards

From this pay truck?

They're off chasing

The robbers, herr general.

( Banging )

What is that noise?

It is coming from inside

The back of the truck.

( Banging continues )

Stand back!

What has happened here?

Where is the strongbox?

We were held up by

The resistance, general!

They were dressed just like

Those two beside you.

- We are innocent.

- Especially me.

I am only a very junior

Gestapo officer.

You expect me

To believe this nonsense

About foiling a robbery?

It is too much

Of a coincidence--

You dressed as

Resistance t*rrorists,

The guards locked in,

The money gone.

Arrest them, and take them

To the chateau for questioning.

You are making

A big mistake, general.

Not as big as the one

You've just made, herr flick.

( Dummy deflates )

Arrest that dummy as well

For insubordination.

Edith! Edith!

Oh, I need food.

( Gasping )

Oh, will no one hear

The cries

Of an old woman?

See if there is some cheese

Left in the trap.

No cheese,

Just a mouse.

Edith! Edith!

( Moaning )

It is all set up.

The edison recording machine

Is hidden in the coffin.

It is powered by

The battery from your old

Ice cream van, monsieur.

My whip at the front

Forms an aerial to

Transmit the broadcast.

Let us hope

The germans do not decide

To search the hearse.

It is a risk

We must take.

Well, the radio will

Be transmitting

While I go about

My business.

It is on.

Go slowly, it is

Delicate equipment.

I always go slowly.

I am an undertaker.

Oh, they are all ou

In the square.

Oh, no wonder

They cannot hear us.

Ah

Pass me my ear trumpet.

I will try to attract

Their attention.

( Groaning )

I will go now.

Remember,

Monsieur alfonse,

Do nothing unusual

And no one will notice you.

- ( Fanny's voice,

Distorted ) edith!

- ( Horses neigh )

Somebody might have

Noticed that.

Rene, you've got

The wrong cylinder.

What?

So what is on the cylinder

In monsieur alfonse's hearse?

It is the one with

The message on it for rene

From general de gaulle.

Oh, you stupid

Woman.

Quick, follow

That hearse.

( Theme music playing )