09x04 - Tarts and Flickers

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )

The strain

Of this terrible w*r

Is getting worse.

I have been presumed dead,

Blown up in a windmill,

Taken prisoner

As a love sl*ve

By the communist

Resistance,

Shot in the bum

By a hunter,

And, while posing

As a waxwork

At the town museum,

Touched up

By lieutenant gruber.

The germans now know

That I am alive

And I have explained

My absence

By telling them

That after the expl*si*n

At the windmill,

I temporarily

Lost my memory.

I was going to tell you

Something else,

But I've forgotten

What it is.

Never mind,

I will think of it later.

- Oh, rene.

- Oh, yvette.

At last we are alone.

Hold me, kiss me.

Oh, it seems

So very long.

What does?

Since we last had time

For each other.

Oh, without you

My life is so empty.

I will do my very best

To fill your emptiness.

Good, let us go behind

The henhouse at once.

No, no, no,

Patience, yvette.

The time now

Is not right.

But I will

Meet you tonight

Upstairs

In the broom cupboard

When the clock

Strikes 12:00.

Oh rene,

Until then,

Every second will

Seem like a day,

Every minute will

Seem like a year.

At that rate,

By midnight you will be

Well over 102.

Ha ha!

Oh, rene.

( Kissing sounds )

Rene!

What are you doing

With that serving girl

In your arms?

You stupid woman.

- Can you not see--

- Stop!

For a change,

I would like her to explain.

Me?

Oh, well

I was crossing the room

When i--

Oh yes,

I-- I fell over this

Leg of the chair,

And I would have fallen

If rene had not caught me

In his strong arms.

No, no, my dear,

Sweet child,

You must not

Lie for me.

I did not want

To tell you this,

But I have had

A minor spasm.

Not a spasm!

It has passed,

And will not

Be mentioned again.

Suffice to say

That I must

Make the most

Of my time

Left to me here.

Oh, sit down, rene.

Huh?

Oh, yes.

I am so sorry.

I always forget

How frail you are,

And am only reminded

When you come to bed.

I forgive you,

Edith.

But please, please,

Do not jump to conclusions

In future.

Now, yvette,

You go and lie down,

And get over the shock.

Yes, rene.

Are you sure

You are all right, rene?

Since you officially

Came back from the dead,

You have been behaving

Rather strangely.

Well, I have had

A traumatic few days.

Rene!

And I think they are going

To get even more traumatic.

I must speak

With you, urgently.

Listen

Very carefully,

I shall say this

Only once.

Acting

On information

Received from

British intelligence,

My girls and I have

Managed to obtain

Top secret german plans

For the defense of france,

When the allies invade.

How did you manage that?!

We waylaid the courier

From berlin,

And while my girls

Kept him busy in a haystack,

I photographed the plans

In his briefcase.

I have

The microfilm here.

A coup like this

Could turn the tide.

I know.

Now, we must send

The microfilm

By carrier pigeon

To england.

But first we must

Radio to london.

Oh, can it not

Wait till later?

Oh, but what could be

More important than this?

Well, it is just that

Mamma and monsieur leclerc

Have only just made it up

After their row.

I did not want

To disturb them,

They are like

A pair of lovebirds.

Fanny:

Get out,

You two-timing rat!

Lovebirds?

More like fighting c*ck.

Let us get up there

Before they

Demolish the attic.

Get out!

Stop that,

You silly old bat.

Oh, mamma,

What is happening?

Ask him,

The unfaithful wretch.

He has cheated

On me again.

I found this letter

In his suitcase.

Listen.

"My lips burn for yours.

I cannot wait for you

To swing once more

From the chandelier,

Dressed only in

Your top hat and socks."

I cannot read the signature.

What sort of man are you?

Certainly not shy.

I am the sort that

Got the letter in 1927.

He admits it,

The lecher.

And what sort of woman

Would write such things?

Mamma,

This is

Your signature.

That is what I have been

Trying to tell her.

Oh, so you were the one.

I still have the topper,

And the socks.

Fat lot of good that is,

We have no chandelier.

We cannot waste

Time like this.

Monsieur leclerc,

Go and get one

Of the homing pigeons

From rene's henhouse,

And meet us in the square.

Now we must

Radio to london.

Aarghh! The knobs,

The flashing knobs!

Shut up.

'Allo, london,

This is blue tit calling.

Over.

What is your message?

Over.

We have the plans

You asked for.

We are sending them

By homing pigeon immediately.

Over.

Well done, blue tit.

And here is

A personal message,

Recorded last night,

By mr. Churchill

For nighthawk,

Hero of the resistance.

These words could

Go down in history.

Churchill:

Well done, ronald.

Ronald?

Good moaning.

Good moaning.

What are you deeing

With that podgeon?

We are sending vital

Information to london.

That is a rosky bosness.

I will stand

Leakout for you,

In case you are spitted

By the nitzis.

The pigeon is ready.

Fly bravely

And swiftly,

My little pigeon.

Why are you talking

To the pigeon, edith?

He cannot

Understand you.

He will sense

The encouragement in my voice.

Are there

Any germans about?

Not a nitzi

In suit.

We are ready

To lunch.

Then goodbye, pigeon.

Edith:

There he goes.

Straight for england.

That is not

The way to england.

He seems

To be circling.

And coming back

Towards us.

He does not appear

To wint to goo

To ongland.

Perhaps you could show

This stupid bird a map.

We will try again.

Drat.

Which homing pigeon

Did you get

From the henhouse?

The one that lives

In nouvion.

You silly old fool.

How are we going to get

The defense plans to london now?

There seems to have been

An almighty kick-up.

This week is

The annual fishmonger's

Parade to the coast.

We will enter a float,

To which my girls

Will attach propellers

And engines.

And if we succeed,

Churchill

Will jump for joy.

No doubt causing

A rush of trussmakers

To number 10 downing street.

We will try the pigeon

One more time.

Oh, no wonder

It will not leave.

It has a baby.

Now you know why

I never wanted children.

The colonel

And lieutenant gruber

Are here, general!

Send them in.

Yes, general.

The general will

See you now!

Heil hitler.

Heil hitler.

Sit down.

I will not beat

About the bush.

The w*r is going

Very badly.

Certain generals

Are blaming hitler,

And plotting

To assassinate him.

Disgraceful!

Who would do

Such a thing?

I would.

Ah, well, that does put

A different complexion

On the matter.

It is a relief to know

That I can trust you.

For you are going to help me

In the assassination.

Perhaps I could be excused?

I'm a married man.

If anything goes wrong,

You will have a proud widow

To whom I shall write.

And if anything happens

To you, gruber?

I should like

To be buried with hubert.

Which regiment

Is he in?

He is my little tank.

Oh, yes, of course.

Now, I intend

To deliver the portrait

Of the fallen madonna

With the big boobies

To the fuhrer in a frame

Packed with expl*sives.

When hitler examines

The picture,

He will be blown to bits.

But we do not have

The painting, general.

We will have

A forgery made.

I have been examining

The local police records

And it seems that

The old man at the cafe,

Ernest leclerc,

Is a convicted forger.

I have sent for him.

He will make

A copy for us.

But, general,

He has nothing to copy.

I have here,

A photograph of you

Holding the painting, gruber.

As a further help,

I've arranged

With private helga geerhart,

To pose as

The fallen madonna for us.

General, it is

An ingenious plan,

But how can you ensure

It is the fuhrer

Who is blown up?

Someone will have

To be present

To detonate the frame

When hitler receives it.

Will they not

Be k*lled too?

There is that risk.

But whoever succeeds

Will have almost every man

In the german army

Behind him.

Quite a prospect.

This is

The float we used

The last time

Nouvion won

The annual fishmonger's

Parade to the coast.

Incredible how,

After all this time,

The pong of success

Still lingers.

I had to dress

As a lumpfish,

I remember it well.

I was only 16.

And to think,

I waved this

Parade float farewell,

Never knowing

That my wife-to-be

Was the small lumpyfish

In the back.

I do not know if I can

Still get into the costume.

Do not worry,

There is plenty

To choose from.

They are here

In this box.

Rene, you can be

Neptune on his throne.

And someone--

Will have to be

Venus unadorned

Rising from the sea

In this giant clam.

There is only

One woman in nouvion

Who has

The right qualities

To act the part

Of venus.

Oh, I am sorry,

But unadorned I would have

Nowhere to hide a g*n.

I meant madame edith.

Oh, thank you,

Monsieur alphonse.

I accept.

Of course, I shall have

A piece of cheesecloth

Modestly draped.

But, edith,

Venus was

The goddess

Of beauty.

I know.

And when I arise,

Almost unadorned,

From the clam shell,

It will take

The spectators' breath away.

The mere thought makes

My ticker go all dicky.

Madame edith,

Would you like

To try the shell

For size now?

Of course.

Excuse me.

Monsieur, would you

Give me a hand?

The spring mechanism

Seems to have rusted.

( Metal creaks )

Lie down inside,

Madame edith,

Let us see

If you fit it.

It is just like

The ones we serve,

Only bigger.

( Metal screeches )

( Edith yells )

I'll go and get

A tire lever.

Let me out!

Hang on, venus.

The forgery

Is going nicely.

I must say, helga,

You're very convincing

As the fallen madonna.

Have you

Done it before?

No, general.

But I did once play

The virgin mary

In a school nativity play.

Somehow I don't think

That would have been

Quite so convincing.

Touch more pink there,

Monsieur leclerc.

The face and dress

Are very realistic,

But what's that

Big blank space

In the middle?

I do not wish to discomfort

Private geerhart

Any more than

Is necessary.

She will uncover

For a short time,

Only for the painting

Of the boobies.

Thank you, general.

It is rather embarrassing

With you all watching.

Do not worry, helga.

We are not the slightes

Bit interested

In the painting

Of privates.

I am ready now

To do the boobies.

Very well.

You may uncover

Yourself briefly.

Perhaps you would all

Turn away for a moment.

All except the forger.

Let us know if you

Need another look.

I think one

Was enough.

This is the missing

Left booby

From the painting

Of the fallen madonna.

We must cash it in

To escape to south america.

We will not go far

On one booby, herr flick.

The two waitresses

From the cafe

Ply their trade

As ladies of the night

Underneath the lamppost

In the square.

We will kidnap them

And steal

Their clothes.

Then using one

Of their keys,

We will gain entry

To the cafe

And search it.

A brilliant plan,

Herr flick!

A long one,

But brilliant.

We will try on

Some suitable wigs.

I will be the tall brunette

With the good legs.

You can be the short one

With the big bum.

Do I look like a tart?

No.

More the result

Of a mating

Between a yeti

And a chihuahua.

This is the mark I

Prototype of the frame

That will be around

The portrait

Of the fallen madonna when

We deliver it to the fuhrer.

It looks very authentic,

General.

Our scientists are

At this moment

Working on a foolproof way

Of detonating the frame.

Naturally, they know

Nothing of our intentions.

But for the purposes

Of this test,

I will use

A simple radio beam

To blow

The expl*sives.

Are you sure it is safe

To do this here, general?

We do not want to blow up

The whole chateau.

Oh, relax, relax.

The scientists assure me

That the expl*si*n

Will be localized.

The dummy of hitler

Will be blown to pieces,

But everything else in the room

Will be left untouched.

Stand by.

Goodbye, adolf.

Hello there.

My,

Aren't you

A cute one?

How kind.

I have no money, but,

I am young

And good looking.

I, too,

Have no money,

And I am young

And better looking,

So buzz off!

Oh, the nerve

Of some people.

Anyone would think

We looked cheap.

Good evening, tarts.

Oh, herr flick!

This is a surprise.

How would you

Like a good time

With a couple of debonair

Curb crawlers about town?

Certainly.

Where are they?

I was referring to

Von smallhausen and myself.

Have you money?

Pots of it.

Get into the car.

I will go in the back

Of the car.

So I've heard.

No, you can have

Von smallhausen.

He's more your size.

( Yvette giggling )

( Gears grind )

This is a strange place

To bring us to.

Is it your secret

Headquarters, herr flick?

You will soon

Find out.

Open the door,

Von smallhausen.

Come inside,

My dears.

We have a little

Surprise for you.

( Giggling )

In our line of business,

Most surprises

Are little.

Any more peter lorre

Impersonations,

And you will find

Yourself working

In the gestapo

Hat factory.

Take off

Your clothes.

What?

Here?

Of course.

Is there nowhere more private,

Like a tool cabinet?

This will do.

Begin the undressing.

First you must

Produce the necessary.

What?

The money,

Von smallhausen.

Oh, yes, of course,

The money.

I've never done it

In a garage before.

No, we could get

Very dirty in here.

Edith:

What kept you

So long, rene?

I have got through

10 Chapters

Of "w*r and peace,"

Waiting for you

To come to bed.

I was just making myself

A little snack.

Garlic sausage

And pickled cucumbers.

It seems such ages

Since we had

Any time together.

I am a passionate

Woman, rene,

I have appetites that

Need to be satisfied.

Here, have a pickled cucumber.

Sometimes you seem

So distant.

Take me

In your arms, rene,

Kiss me, cuddle me.

I will just finish

My garlic sausage.

Now.

What is the matter,

Edith?

Nothing.

I seem to have

Gone off the boil.

Oh, and I had just

Got up steam.

Ah, well, perhaps

Another night.

Are you all right?

Quickly,

Untie my hands.

We must get back

To the cafe.

They even stole

Our handbags.

We've been played

For suckers.

When herr flick said

He wanted to tie us up

In our underwear,

I did not think

He had this in mind.

( Knocking )

Quiet,

Von smallhausen.

The door is locked,

Herr flick.

Check your handbag.

Those girls must

Have a key somewhere.

Hurry, these heels

Are k*lling me.

I have the key,

Herr flick.

And I have the torch

From the car.

Let us go inside

And begin our search

For the painting.

Lock the door,

Von smallhausen.

Yes, herr flick.

- And produce your torch.

- Yes, herr flick.

We will look

Upstairs first.

If you have

Any problems,

Flash me.

With your torch,

Dunderhead.

I will take the front.

You search the back.

( Distant bell tolls )

Someone is coming.

We must hide.

Quick.

Rene

Now where has he gone--

Oh, no,

Not another spasm.

I must see if

He is all right.

Now for yvette.

I am here, my darling.

( Kissing noises )

- ( Slap )

- Ow!

Rene!

You faithless swine.

What are you doing

In that broom cupboard

With that tart?

You stupid woman.

Can you not see

That this is--

Herr flick

Of the gestapo?

Oh, so it is.

Oh, I am sorry,

Herr flick.

But I did not

Recognize you

In a skirt and

Fishnet stockings.

Well, you should have.

So should you.

But what were

You doing

In the broom

Cupboard with him?

Really, edith,

Is that not obvious?

No.

Well it was like this,

You see.

Yes?

Well, I was in bed,

Trying to get off to sleep

Next to you, my darling,

When I heard a noise

On the landing.

Thinking that it

Might be burglars,

I came out

To apprehend them,

And happened

To find herr flick

In the broom cupboard

Disguised as a tart.

You expect

Me to believe

That explanation?

Any other explanation

Would be unthinkable.

Silence, peasants.

Von smallhausen?

Yes,

Herr flick?

You may come out now.

Herr flick, may I ask

What is going on?

No.

May I ask?

Shut up,

Von smallhausen.

You will find the portrait

Of the fallen madonna

With the big boobies for me

Or you will be shot.

Do you understand?

Both:

Yes, herr flick.

Otherwise, I shall be

In every cupboard you open

Until I find it myself.

Come, von smallhausen.

It is locked.

Well, how are we

Going to get inside?

Look!

The window to rene

And madame edith's

Room is open.

I will climb in

And come down

And open the door.

Give me a leg up.

Oh, rene, I think I will

Go and get a glass of water

Before we go

Back to bed.

Yes do that,

Dearest.

I still feel

Very shaky.

It was a shock to find you

In the cupboard with herr flick.

It came as something

Of a surprise to me as well.

Yvette!

My god, what are you

Doing here?

And why are you dressed

As a car mechanic?

Oh, rene, I've had

A terrible night.

Hold me.

Are you mad?

Edith will be back here

Any moment.

That is her now.

Quick, you must hide.

Here, get in the wardrobe.

I'm sorry I missed

Our rendezvous

In the broom

Cupboard.

Yes, so am i.

No, no, please.

Just get inside, please.

For god's sake.

Oh my god, lipstick.

Edith will k*ll me.

Edith:

Rene.

Oh no.

Rene, i--

Now where has he gone?

Oh, I see it all now.

He has sneaked out

For an illicit relationship

With someone.

Oh, the villain.

I will catch him

This time.

I will get dressed,

And follow him.

Ah! Rene!

What are you doing

In the wardrobe

With that serving girl,

With lipstick

All over your face?

And why is she dressed

As a car mechanic?

You stupid woman.

That is the second time

Tonight you have done this.

And what explanation

Have you got?

I am not made

Of explanations.

In a marriage,

There must be

Some trust.

He is right.

I am overreacting.

I must be calm

And think things out.

( Rattling )

I have thought things out.

You

Oh, no!

Aah!

( Theme music playing )