Francis (1950)

[bunniefuu]

Thank you.

[ Door Opens ]

I appreciate it very much,

Mrs. Gordon. Most helpful.

We thought you ought to know.

Absolutely.

We bankers can't be too careful.

Give my best to that nice

husband of yours. Thank you.

[Ringing]

Yeah?

Yes, sir!

Hey, Stirling,

Mr. Munroe wants to see you.

Y-Y-You sent for me, sir?

That's all, Miss King.

Sit down, young man.

Stirling, how long have

you been with this bank?

A-About, uh, uh, f-four years, sir.

Counting the time before the w*r.

Four years.

I must speak frankly. There's a great

deal of talk going around town,

talk that isn't good for

you or the bank. Yes, sir.

Oh, so you know about it?

Oh, yes, sir.

Well, then you can understand.

In the banking business

we can't be too careful.

[Chuckling] The talk's

all nonsense, of course.

Oh, but, sir, it's not nonsense.

Utter non-What?

I-I-I mean, it's true, sir.

How can such an absurd, ridiculous-

Stirling, what's the matter with you?

W-Well, could I tell you about it?

Tell me? Yes. if you'd

just let me explain.

I'm an extremely busy man.

B-But, sir, it means my job.

Well, then... make it brief.

Yes, sir.

It all began a few years

ago over in Burma. Burma?

[ Stirling] Yes, sir. The jungle was

the hottest I 'd ever known it.

Still, there was no excuse

for me, a second lieutenant,

getting separated from

my platoon, no excuse at all.

When I realized I was alone,

lost behind the jap lines,

I was scared.

Then I thought what my commander would

say when I told him I'd lost my platoon.

And I was really scared!

[ Screeching]

At last I took refuge under a tree.

I must've been exhausted

because I fell asleep.

[a*tillery Shelling]

Our barrage woke me.

My mouth felt dry.

It's funny how wet you can be

outside and so dry inside.

[Shelling]



[ Man's Voice] Hey, watch it! If

you don't want to live, I do.

Keep your head down.

Who said that?

Who said that?

I did.

Where are you? Come

on out or I'll sh**t.

Lieutenant, you better put that

g*n up before you hurt somebody.

Who's speaking?

Me!

Who's me?

Me. The mule.

Oh, don't.

Don't be ridiculous.

Coming from a second lieutenant,

that's almost ironic.

Must be a booby trap of some kind.

You oughta know.

But it's fantastic.

I don't believe it.

Hey-

What are you?

I'm just an army mule,

and my name happens to be Francis.

“Frances“?

That's a girl's name.

Uh-Uh-Uh.

Let's keep sex out of this.

The name is still Francis...

with an

Why? Must be wired for sound.

Well, it's some kind of a trick.

It's a cinch Mules don't talk.

[expl*si*n]

We are facing an extremely

serious situation.

I must decide upon a course of action.

Brilliant, Lieutenant.

Smack-dab on the button.

Brilliant.

I must be crazy to even think it can talk.

That bang on the head must've

been worse than I thought

I gotta get outta here!

Say Huh?

Could-Could you carry me outta here?

Carry you and slow myself up?

[Laughing]

But I am an officer.

A second lieutenant.

Why, it wouldn't even be patriotic.

You mean, my life isn't worth saving?

The question is, would it

be worth risking mine to do it?

What do you mean?

Is there a shortage of second lieutenants?

Certainly not!

The w*r Department has announced

they got a large surplus.

But mules?

That's a different story.

No, I just couldn't do it.

Not with my interest

in furthering the w*r effort.

[ Shelling Continues]

Pull your ears in!

- M-My leg. I've been hit.

- This would have to happen.

By the tail of my Great Aunt Regret

who won the Derby,

I oughta leave you here for jap bait.

Go ahead. Go ahead,

save yourself.

You know perfectly well

I can't leave you now.

Well, I thought you said a second

lieutenant wasn't worth saving.

A whole one ain't. Wounded, you've

become a matter of principle.

Never mind that! Come on. Get on my back

and I'll take you to an aid station.

Francis, I'll have you made

a corporal for this.

What us mules go through

to earn a couple of stripes.

Lt. Stirling?

Uh, yes, sir.

How's the leg? It's just

a flesh wound, Captain.

I'm getting out of here in

a couple of clays. Fine.

Cigarette?

No, thank you.

Stirling.

I'm from 6-2.

6-2?

What does Intelligence want of me?

You had quite an experience out

there, didn't you? Yes, sir.

The men on my patrol, did they all-

They're all back safe and sound.

It's okay, Lieutenant. Those

things can happen on patrol.

We were crawling on the hillside

and suddenly I was alone.

I was afraid to call out. Lucky for

you that mule found headquarters.

Mule?

Oh, Francis!

Francis?

The mule, sir, Francis.

He spelled it with an

You seem to know quite

a lot about this mule.

Only what he told me, sir.

What who told you?

Francis.

Francis? Yes, sir. The mule.

That's what I thought you said.

Lieutenant, this doesn't indicate there's

anything the matter with your mind.

Why, there isn't, sir.

But... you just told me

a mule talked to you.

He did, sir.

You're sure of that?

Oh, yes, sir. I didn't believe it

at first either. But he really did.

Now, uh, take it easy, Lieutenant.

Just... take it easy.

Well, young fellow,

how are you getting along?

Huh? Uh, fine, sir.

Had a little bump on the head

too, didn't you? Yes, sir.

Doesn't seem to amount to a thing.

No, sir.

I hear you told Capt. Grant a

mule talked to you. That right?

Uh, yes, sir.

Well, my patients like

to have their littlejokes.

But I wasn't joking, sir. Lieutenant,

this is no time for leg-pulling.

There's a w*r going on.

You know mules can't talk.

That's what I thought, sir.

B-But this one talked to me.

You mean the animal talked

to you the way I'm speaking?

W-W-Well, m-maybe not so loud, sir.

Tell me, Stirling.

Is it just one particular

mule who talks to you?

Or do all the mules talk?

just Francis, sir.

Francis? That's the

mule's name, Lieutenant.

He spells it with an

Do any other animals talk toyou?

Elephants? Rabbits?

Chickens 7 Goldfish?

No, sir.

Of course not.

The very thought of such things talking

is ridiculous, isn't it, young man?

Yes, sir.

Lieutenant, yours is not an unusual case.

Nothing unusual about it at all.

In no time we'll have you

fixed up good as new.

Good morning, boys.

Samuel. Ben.

Hiya, Raymond.

Feeling better?

Come, come, Lieutenant.

Upsy-daisy.

Colonel Plepper wants to see you.

Col. Plepper?

Yes! He's our

top, top psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist? But I

don't need a psychiatrist.

Now, now, come along.

[ Knocking]

[Knocking]

Yes 7

Oh, well?

Col. Piepper,

Lt. Stirling is here.

Lieutenant,

this is Col. Plepper.

No, no, my boy, none of that.

just come in and sit down.

Make yourself right at home.

Thank you, sir.

How long have you been visiting us?

Let me see.

Ten days.

Hmm! I see you've gained

a pound a day.

Yes, sir. I've been on

a condensed milk diet.

Mm-hmm. Remarkable what it can

do for a man. Remarkable.

You feel fatter?

Yes, sir.

Perfectly natural.

Wonderful the way the army is

able to put weight on a man.

This is going to look beautiful

on our chart.

Mm-hmm.

Now, Lieutenant,

suppose you tell us all about

your friend the mule who talks.

Well, uh-

Well, Colonel, sir, I must've

been wrong about that

just imagined it. It could've

been that bang on the head.

Or perhaps I was just shell-shocked.

Oh, no.

We call it combat fatigue.

You're thinking of the last w*r.

I must've been fatigued, but I'm perfectly

all right now. Of course you are.

Why don't you report to Col. Saunders

this afternoon for assignment to duty?

See how quickly the army can cure you?

Mm-hmm.

Oh. gosh!

Yes?

Uh-huh.

Fine! Then I'll bring

Miss Geider over right away.

Your quarters are arranged. The ladies of

the Red Cross are waiting to welcome you.

Ah, merci. They are so

kind to let me stay.

You're still under the

wing of the army. Yes.

It may be some time before it's safe for you

to return to your father's trading post.

Monsieur, vous etes si aimable.

I am so touched that with a

w*r on you trouble with me.

Papa would be so grateful. If only we could

find him to let him know you're all right.

But who knows where he is?

The japanese came in so fast

we had to take to the hills...

with scarcely time to pack.

Poor Papa and I got separated. I was

looking for him when your patrol found me.

We'll do everything we can

to find your father.

We'd better get you settled.

Merci Col. Saunders.

Merci encore,

Col. Hooker.

[Clears Throat]

I hope you'll be comfortable

in your quarters.

Gentlemen!

I trust you're not too busy to attend

the staff meeting this afternoon.

What does the Colonel got I haven't got?

Rank, Captain, rank.

And me only a second lieutenant.

And that is the reason

for this staff meeting.

Of course, this opening in Intelligence

offers the opportunity for advancement.

Gentlemen, I'd like to ask if there is

any officer in this headquarters...

who feels that he has special

qualifications for G-2 work.

Lt. Brimm?

Sir, I speak seven languages

of the Far East.

I was a professor at Duke University.

Fine. Make a note, Lieutenant.

Captain Norman?

I've spent nine years in Burma, prospecting.

I know the country and the people.

You speak the language?

Yes, sir, all dialects fluently.

Very good.

Note that, Lieutenant.

Oh, uh,

Lt. Stirling?

2nd Lt. Stirling!

Oh, yes, sir?

Lieutenant, have you any special

qualifications for intelligence work?

Oh, no, sir.

None at all, sir.

I wouldn't even-

Oh, no, sir. None.

[Ringing]

G-2 Intelligence.

.', '[Swing]

It's hard to picture a beautiful young girl

like you living in a jungle trading post.

Do you find it pretty dull?

The jungle dull? No!

It is mystérieuse wonderful, thrilling.

I'm afraid some of the men here

don't find it so thrilling.

That is because they are

so lonely, n'est-ce pas?

It's a sacrilege the way that

luscious armful's being wasted.

Yeah. I can hear the Colonel's last two red

corpuscles yelling for reinforcements.

It's unpatriotic.

It's on all their faces.

A sort of...

sadness.

Oh, no, no, not sadness.

Hunger.

They're all hoping I'll drop dead.

And they're all so handsome.

So attractive.

Well, it might be good strategy

if I did share you with them.

Come, I'll introduce you.

Hello!

Hello.

Lt. Stirling, I don't believe you've

met our charming guest, Miss Gelder.

N-N-No, I haven't, sir. But it's

wonderful. A pleasure, Lieutenant.

Lt. Stirling has just been

assigned to Intelligence.

Oh! And

so very young too.

My compliments Lieutenant. Thank you.

[ Francis Snorts]

Oh.

You must be

Lt. Stirling's friend.

Fascinating.

Simply fascinating.

[Swing]

Aren't you going to ask me

to dance, Lieutenant?

Y-You mean, you would?

I-l mean, would you?

Mais, oui.

But of course.

Ah, after Lt. Col. Saunders

and the two majors and-

Lt. Stirling?

Surprise, Lieutenant.

Someone's looking for you.

Lt. Stirling was my favorite patient.

Such an unusual-

Dance?

Lieutenant, the colonels,

the majors, the captains,

what will they think?

Oh, what have I clone.

Forgive me.

I'll take you right back.

Max's, non.

I like a masterful man...

that sweeps me away from everyone!

Oh, gee, I did, didn't I?

Comment...

allez-vous?

Comment allez-vous 7?

Vous-Pardon, monsieur. Phase.

Please, can you... Ah, it is the

masterful young Lt. Stirling.

Banjour, mon ami.

Miss Gilder!

Comment allez-vous 7?

Trés b/en, merci.

I see you study fiangais.

That is very nice. Oui, but when I say

it, it doesn't sound like you do.

It is the same for me

with anglais - English.

At the trading post I do not learn.

There is only Papa and he is worse than me.

Tell me, monsieur,

if your army should have

a message from Papa,

they would tell me, no?

W-Well, you see-But you mustn't worry.

Maybe I can, well,

look into it and let you know.

Oh, it is trés genil. So

very kind of you to trouble.

I would be most grateful.

Until then, au revoir, monsieur.

Au revoir,

“madammozle.”

Ah, bonjour, monsieur Ie sargente.

Good morning, sir.

Morning.

[Humming]

“Come at once.

Francis.“

Oh, Sergeant, do I look all right?

All right?

Yes, sir.

[Laughing]

[Braying]

Francis?

Francis, it's me, the second lieutenant.

Hey!

Hey, Francis!

Remember me?

Gee, maybe I am a mental case.

Most second lieutenants are!

Francis!

Francis!

All right, all right!

Then-Then you can talk.

L-I did hear you the first time.

I didn't imagine it at all!

I'm not crazy!

That's debatable, Lieutenant.

Well, then, why did you send for me?

Me?

Send for you?

Yes, this note you wrote me.

- I never put anything in writing.

- But it's signed “Francis?

Get smart, Lieutenant. You're

being ribbed by your buddies!

Ribbed?

Huh. Then the joke's

on them. You can talk!

I'm gonna bring 'em out here and prove it.

Lieutenant, meet the Sphinx.

You mean, you'd let them laugh at me?

Let 'em think I'm a mental case?

Next thing you know, theyll be

sending me home as a psycho.

So? I know what you think

of second lieutenants,

but even we want to help win the w*r.

Come back here.

Your morale's draggin'.

Never thought I'd have

to wet-nurse a lieutenant.

How'd you like to be a hero?

Me? A hero?

There's a jap observation post...

spotting your base about 2,000

yards from headquarters.

Oh, don't be an a*s.

Be that as it may, that jap

observation post is there.

Well, then why aren't you

doing something about it?

I am. I'm tellin' you. Me? Why?

You know what section you're in?

Certainly. I'm in G-2.

Intelligence.

Then don't sound so surprised

when I give-you some.

This must be reported immediately!

Look, haven't you been

in the army long enough...

to know that you don't get

medals forjust reportin' it?

What else can I do?

What else can you do?

You can go out and capture that post!

Who? Me?

Either you'rea soldier

or an optical illusion!

And tonight I intend to find out which!

This must be an illusion!

What are you made up for, Lieutenant?

Shh!

My aching back.

Shh! Shush my Great

Aunt Regret's tail!

You're making enough noise

to wake up the whole jap army.

Well, well! What are you

made up for, Lieutenant?

What secret weapon have you

got hidden in that pack, huh?

It's a shelter half.

In case of rain or do you expect

to shack up with those japs?

Go on. Get rid of it.

Go on!

Why that shovel? We may

have to dig entrenchments.

Lieutenant, if there's any diggin'

clone, it'll be to bury ya.

Get rid of it!

And that gas mask too!

I have been ordered to wear

my gas mask at all times.

Do you really believe that two japs

in the middle of the jungle...

are gonna launch the first

gas attack of the w*r...

against you personally?

That goes too.

Now, how many grenades you got there, huh?

A dozen. - A dozen?

Look, Lieutenant, we're goin' after two.

Get it?

Two frightened japs.

How do you know they're frightened?

Two japs alone are always frightened.

One grenade's plenty.

A whole dozen grenades!

Now that revolver. Suppose

the tom my g*n doesn't work?

Then you won't need anything

except flowers.

Yep. Mm-hmm.

Francis, you've stripped me.

Uh-huh! We're ready to go.

And for the love of Burma mud, quiet!

Come on.

Hey, don't yank.

I'm sensitive.

Come on!

I thought you said it was only 2,000 yards!

Oh, we haven't even gone 200 yet!

[ Twig Cracks]

[ Twig Cracks]

Shh.

They're right up there.

What do we do now?

I'm gonna get behind 'em.

You stay here.

When I yell,

fire a couple of shots in the air.

In the air?

Shh! Quiet.

In the air.

Throw down your g*ns!

You're surrounded!

Come down...

on the double!

[ Francis ] Close in with

your men Lieutenant.

C-C-Coming!

F- F-F...

Forward, men!

I'm Lieutenant Sakia. Pleased

to make your acquaintance.

[ Francis] Save your bows, One

false move and we'll drill ya!

Very good. Very good.

We'll surrender.

I hope to kiss a duck you surrender!

[Francis] Get those hands higher"!

Higher'!

Come around here, Lieutenant Yes, sir!

Get 'em up.

No need to worry, my good fellow.

We know when the game is up.

Hey, quite a cultivated

accent you got there.

Harvard, I presume. Harvard?

Certainly not.

Yale! Ah, so “solly.” Let's go.

Wha' happened?

“Wha' happened?“

My boy, you are to be congratulated.

(3-2 is proud of you.

- No, thank you, sir.

Yes, sir!

Here.

How 'bout one of these?

Oh, no Thank you, sir.

What you've clone, although highly

irregular, is of tremendous value.

And you did it alone!

That's the remarkable part.

Oh, no, sir.

That's not quite-

- What's that?

- I mean, yes, sir.

The general is delighted!

And now, Lieutenant, just a few questions.

Yes, sir. The Japanese observation post,

just how did you find out about it?

What's the matter?

That's a simple question.

Ah, yes, sir.

Well?

Well, uh-I don't know, sir.

- What kind of answer is that?

- I mean, I'd rather not say.

You capture a jap post

within yards of headquarters,

you tell me you'd rather not say!

Why? if I told you, sir,

you wouldn't believe me.

I'll be the judge

of that! Well?

- You really want to know?

- I demand to know.

Well, sir, it all happened like this.

The mule-

Well, Lieutenant, welcome home.

Is-Is it that mule again?

Such a fascinating friend to have!

Simply fascinating!

It's Col. Plepper.

Good morning, Col. Plepper.

Morning.

No, no, my boy.

Well, well. And how are we today?

Fine, sir.

Of course we are. Nothing

serious the matter with us.

Nothing at all.

But you do have a cold feeling

at the tips of your fingers?

No, sir.

Then you suffer from dizziness?

No, sir.

I mean, there are times when

you feel faint, out of breath?

No, sir. I don't think so, sir.

No.

Oh, I understand!

The thing that's bothering

you is here. Mm-hmm.

You're feeling perfectly all right,

then suddenly there's a sharp pain, hmm?

No.

Lieutenant, did they take

X-rays of your head? Yes, sir.

And what did they show?

Nothing, sir.

Lieutenant, what the devil's the

matter with you? Nothing, sir.

Nothing? Hmph! Fine attitude

for a military man.

Drives my doctors crazy, my

psychiatrists crazy, my staff crazy!

I'm sorry, sir.

Sorry?

Half of 'em say you're loco.

Other half say you aren't.

Me, I'm the head doctor.

I think they're all loco.

Give a man a good close of castor oil and

a hot bath; either he's crazy or isn't.

Doesn't make much difference anyway.

Yes, sir.

How did you ever get your commission?

Officers Candidate School.

Pass all your examinations?

Yes, sir.

Doesn't prove a thing. Father

and mother living? Yes, sir.

Sane?

Yes, sir.

Doesn't prove a thing!

Well, that's it, gentlemen.

What do you think?

A clear case of

hyper-imaginative reaction...

induced by emotional starvation.

Acute symptoms impelled by battle fatigue.

What treatment, Colonel?

Activity.

Violent activity.

Give him four aspirins

and send him back to duty.

Stirling, the medics

have recommended activity.

Fortunately, I've got just the thing.

Really, sir?

Yes. See this area, Lieutenant?

Yes, sir.

We have reason to believe there's

ajap patrol in there. That close?

That's right. We don't know the number

of men or just where they are...

so we've decided to send out a

patrol tomorrow. Of course, sir.

And I've chosen you to lead it. Yes, sir.

Who me? B-B-But-But what?

But, uh-Yes, sir.

[ Phone Ringing]

Yes.

Who is this?

Francis.

Francis? Francis who?

Lieutenant, please.

Francis! But, you can't

talk on the telephone.

I hear you're leading an expedition.

You what?

But t-t-that's impossible.

For you to lead or for me to hear about it?

You're just guessing.

ls Hill-X246 guessing?

Shh! For heaven sakes,

that's top secret!

Now you're showing signs

of basic intelligence.

Better show a little more

and get over here.

Yes, sir.

I mean, I'll be there.

How did you know I was leading a patrol?

How did you find out about-How did

you find out about Hill-X46?

If I found out, you can

be sure the japs know.

But that's terrible!

Why?

Theyll ambush us. We'll have

to call off the patrol.

Oh, nothing of the sort!

That's the beauty of it.

We know they know All we gotta do

is to outmaneuver 'em. Who is we?

Let's just say that we're

gonna work it out together.

Work what out?

Information the japs have...

gives you a great opportunity.

F-F-For what?

To carry out your mission successfully!

What do I do? I don't know why

I worry about you, Lieutenant.

I can't even understand why I like you!

I suppose in all of us there's

a trace of the mother complex.

Lieutenant, this mule should be

in the rear with the rest of 'em.

I want him up in the front. I know,

but that ain't the way it's clone.

Sergeant Chillingbacker, I'm in charge

of this patrol! So they tell me.

What's that?

Sir.

Tell the men to close up.

They're close enough.

Sgt. Chillingbacker!

Yes, sir.

Hmph.

Attaboy, Lieutenant.

What do we do now? Why, just

go ahead with the patrol.

This is it.

X246.

Put out security posts at the edge of

the clearing. Tell 'em to keep alert.

Posts are supposed to be

20 yards out in the jungle.

I want 'em at the edge of the clearing.

Tell 'em to pitch their

tents in the center.

Out there in the open?

That's right.

But, Lieutenant... - There.

Okay.

What's that? - ...Sir...

What now?

Have 'em get a campfire ready.

A big one!

What? I will not!

Are we gonna handle this, Lieutenant?

We are.

What a way to fight a w*r.

What do we do now?

Just wait to be wiped out?

Now... we light the fire.

- Light the fire?

[ g*nshots]

[Shouting]

Splendid.

A fine job.

And now, Lieutenant, just how did you

know the japs were going to ambush you?

[Knocking]

- Yes.

Good morning, Lieutenant.

We have a visitor.

Oh, no! Not another doctor.

Not this time.

Col. Plepper says

you need stimulation.

Stimulation! Flapdoodle!

Yes, but who is it?

Are we respectable? Yes Yeah.

You may come in.

Bonjour, man cher ami.

No, no, no.

Please don't get up.

And how is my lieutenant?

Uh, bon-bon-

Fine since you came.

Then I am happy to be here.

Will you be all right? Oh, I

will take very good care of him!

I'll be outside.

Just in case.

Well-

Oh, please, let me.

Thank you.

I thought this would please you.

Gee.

Thanks.

And thanks for coming.

Oh, thank you!

Me? What for?

What for? Why, everyone, the whole

headquarters, we talk of nothing else.

k*lling all those- And not one

of your men even wounded.

It was so very wonderful.

Yes, but it wasn't I... Oh,

please don't be so modest.

Gee. You're

so beautiful, Maureen.

I-I-I'm sorry.

Forgive me.

Forgive you?

For what?

Oh, oh, please.

I like to hear you say Maureen.

Gee.

My name's Peter.

Peter.

[ Miss Gelder]

What is that?

I don't know. Have you

ever seen it before?

No, not that I... Say, it looks almost like-

Could it be someone is trying

to send a message to you?

Who'd want to reach me?

Gosh, I can't read signals.

At Papa's trading post we had a wireless.

Can you read that?

I will try.

B-U-T...

Q-U-l-C-K.

“But quick.“ Yes?

F-R-A-N...

C-I -S.

What does it mean?

“But quick. Francis.“

There must be trouble.

I gotta get outta here.

Going somewhere, Lieutenant?

Uh, no, no.

There are guards out there.

What am I gonna do now?

You wish to get outside? I must.

I've gotta see Francis.

That is very simple.

I will go out.

In two minutes they will not be there.

Francis?

Francis, where are you?

Fran-

Francis!

Francis, you're hurt!

I got here as fast as I could.

Tell me what happened.

Uh, nothing.

Don't you ever get tired?

I just wanted to tell ya-

Uh-oh, you brought company.

Peter. Oh!

Miss Gelder, I'm...

Why didn't you wait for me? I

didn't think there was time.

What were you saying, Francis?

Who are you talking to, Peter?

Francis.

[ Stirling] Why did you send for me?

Lieutenant.

It was you who sent the signals, wasn't it?

Well?

Say something!

Don't you realize I had to escape

from the psycho ward to get here?

I could be court-martialed for this!

Oh, my lieutenant. Do not

excite yourself like this.

Come. Let us go back. No!

He can't do this to me.

Why did you send for me?

Come on. Start talking.

But, mon ami, come with Maureen.

This is not good for you.

You think I'm crazy too.

I tell you, Francis can talk!

Oh, yes!

Yes, of course!

And a very intelligent mule he is too.

You must do as he says.

But he hasn't said anything. Ah,

then you were too excited to hear.

He said it was all one big mistake...

and you must go back with Maureen and rest.

But, Maureen... The nurse, she

will be angry with both of us.

Let us start walking.

See what you've done!

Why won't you talk?

Please, Lieutenant,

come. Let us go.

You got me into this, you, you-

Oh, Peter, I know.

You wait right here.

I will come right back.

Wait... like a good boy.

Just one moment.

Wait, huh?

Hubba-hubba!

Quite a dame.

Oh, now that you've ruined

everything for me, you talk.

I'll have you know Miss Gelder is no dame.

That's a matter of viewpoint.

Now maybe we can talk.

Francis, stop treating me like a child.

Remember, I'm an officer.

Remember?

Lieutenant, it haunts me.

Why did you send for me? I

got some hot information.

Oh, oh, no.

Not again.

Look, look at me. You see this?

Mm-hmm. Pajamas.

G.l. issue, I presume. Yeah, from

the psycho ward where you put me.

Still there's some credit to be had

and I thought you might just as well...

Will you please stop trying to build me up?

A few months ago I was a perfectly

happy second lieutenant,

minding my own business, bothering nobody.

Then I meet you...

and what happens?

I spend half my time in the booby hatch.

Thanks but I've had enough. Maybe

now I can stay out of the hospital.

Okay. If you don't mind

gettin' yourself blown...

to kingdom come this afternoon,

I don't know why I should worry.

Are you crazy?

You're the one that's in

the psycho ward, remember?

Uh, now-now-

Now wait a minute, Francis.

What do you mean blown to kingdom come?

That's better.

I got some hot information

that better be passed on fast.

At 4:35 this afternoon headquarters

gets it-three waves of enemy bombers.

An air raid?

But this is serious.

I hope to kiss my

Great Aunt Regret it's serious!

Remember, 4:35,

three waves of enemy bombers.

Hey, looks like the dame went for help.

What'll I do now? They'll take

me back to the psycho ward.

Cousin, there's an old army

maneuver known as scrammin'!

Quick, behind those bushes

over there. Hurry.

If you're not right about that air

raid, I'll be kicked out of the army!

Might be a patriotic gesture.

Duck!

You sure this is the place?

Oui; I am sure.

There is the mule. But the

poor lieutenant, he is gone.

Oh, never should I have

left him, not for a moment.

So that's his talking mule, huh?

Ask him where his pal is.

Do not waste time with this stupid thing...

while the poor lieutenant

is getting lost in the jungle.

He's probably halfway back to camp by now.

Come then.

We must be sure.

Oh, my poor lieutenant!

Remember,

enemy bombers at 4:35.

[imitating Giider]

Oh, my poor lieutenant.

[ Braying]

Do you realize the seriousness

of this information? Yes, sir.

Where did you get it?

Uh-

If you tell me it was

tha tjackass again, I'll-

Lieutenant, I'm in charge of Intelligence.

You tell me our headquarters are going

to be bombed. Give me their schedule.

Then you-j ust who do you

think you're working for? You, sir.

You still can't tell me the source?

No, sir.

Lieutenant, one of us is crazy.

Yeah! Yes, sir.

Don't be impertinent, young man.

Oh, no, sir.

All right, I've got to take a chance on

your past record. I'm going to trust you.

I can't afford not to.

That's all.

Lieutenant!

Do you know the status of a buck private?

Well, if the information you gave

me isn't right, heaven help you.

I'm gonna have you busted so low...

you'll have to use a telescope

to look up to a buck private.

Yes, sir.

Base headquarters to engineers. Scramble!

It's a three-bell alarm.

[Air Raid Siren Wailing]

Heaven help you, Lieutenant.

Sergeant, get those map cases and take off!

Lieutenant, all I can say is,

heaven help you!

Quit your griping. This is for

the duration, plus six.

Snap it up. It isn't the

heat, it's the japs!

For heaven's sake, Francis,

you're not sleeping!

Francis!

It's after 4:35.

It's after 4:35!

Yeah, usually is about this time of day.

But nothing's happened!

I hope headquarters didn't

go to sleep on that information.

Go to sleep? We've drawn fighter

cover from every unit in Burma.

Francis-Francis, are you-

Are you sure of your information?

(Dh, lsuspect ifsaHl1ghL

Suspect? SuspecU

Do you know what they're going to do to me?

I'm gonna have to use a telescope

to look up to a buck private!

Why did I ever listen to you?

My career, it's ruined.

Dear me. Do second

lieutenants have careers?

[Airplanes Humming]

Shh.

Shh, wait a minute.

I think I hear something. And they ain't

"mosquiters"!

Francis, they're coming!

Look. Up there.

I can see 'em.

Look!

And here come our interceptors.

[Laughing] I knew you were

right all the time, pal.

I'm so happy, I could kiss you.

Relax, Lieutenant, I can take it

as well as the next mule,

but there's a limit to everything.

[Chuckles]

Leuienant? Oh, no. Thank you, sir.

And as I said, this entire command will

be eternally in your debt. Eternally.

Come, come.

No more nonsense.

You must realize this has gone

beyond the joking stage. But, sir...

You know, Lieutenant, I'm really

very fond of you. Yes, sir?

And I'm old enough to be your father.

Yes, sir.

And, if it's an affaire

d'amour; eh, Lieutenant?

I could understand that.

D'amour? Oh, no, sir.

There wasn't any girl.

Oh, no girl.

Then what in thunder's so all-fired

confidential about your source of information?

I just can't tell you, sir.

Why? Why? Because you

wouldn't believe me.

Oh, no, no!

Not that mule again!

Yes, sir.

[Hammering]

[ Knocking]

Hello, you. Is it

our cute little mule again?

How fascinating.

Simply fas-

Lt. Humpert, hasn't anyone

come to see me?

If by anyone you mean Miss Gelder, yes,

but Col. Plepper's orders

are “no stimulation.”

No one is permitted to visit you except-

Except? Except who? Except

the commanding general.

The who-Who did you say?

Lieutenant General Stevens.

Nobody can stop him from seeing you.

The commanding general

to see me? Oh, no.

Well, there's nothing to be afraid of.

He's just another man.

Gen. Stevens!

At ease, Lieutenant.

Sit down.

Thank you, sir.

You've been having quite a

time of it, haven't you, son?

Yes, sir.

You performed a great service,

to your country and my command.

You've also caused terrific turmoil.

You know that, don't you?

I'm afraid I have, sir,

but I didn't mean to.

Why, I'm sure that you didn't.

And I think you and I can get to the

crux of the situation successfully.

Now, at every interview, you have

claimed an army mule talks to you.

Is that right?

Yes, sir.

My boy, I want you to

understand the position...

in which you place both me and my command.

Now your actions are worthy

of the highest commendation.

But your explanation of those

actions is an affront...

to the intelligence, to the

dignity of my command.

How do you suppose this

tale of a talking mule...

would sound in a communiqué to Washington?

But it's true, sir.

Am I to understand...

you refuse to tell us

the real truth, Lieutenant?

Sir, I have told the real truth.

It's just nobody'll believe me.

Well, I'm stumped.

Completely stumped!

You really believe a mule

talked to you, don't you?

I know it, sir.

Positively the weirdest tale I ever heard.

West Point, 35 years in the army,

nine campaigns, seven children,

four of them in the army.

I thought I'd bumped into everything.

But a lieutenant who insists

he knows a mule that can talk!

May-May I make a suggestion, sir?

May you?

I insist that you do.

Well, perhaps you'd go

and have a talk with Francis.

Perhaps I'd what?

You mean you want me to meet this animal?

Well, yes, sir.

Then you could ask him if what

I've said isn't the truth, sir.

Me? Ask a mule?

Why, if I ever did such a thing,

I'd-I'd lose my command.

But talk to a mule?

Well, I should say not!

Lieutenant, is this the animal?

Yes, sir.

Hello, Francis.

How are you today?

Francis, I... I'd like you to

meet the commanding general.

Francis, the commanding general.

Is something the matter?

Sir, I'm afraid I should have

told you this before.

Francis is scared the army will

discover he can talk. What?

He was afraid they'd send him

to Officers Candidate School.

A mule? Well, that's

what he said, sir.

Well, what do we do? Well, sir, Francis

has been in the army for seven years...

and he takes great pride in the military.

I believe if you were to give

him orders, he'd obey them.

Orders?

What sort of orders?

Well, uh, uh.

Perhaps, maybe you could

trick him into talking, sir.

Lieutenant, as an officer, I've been

required to do some mighty strange things,

but giving orders to a mule to trick her-

Him-

It... into talking.

Well, I just wonder what the limit is.

Attention!

Right face!

Left face!

About face!

About face!

At ease.

Attention!

Count off!

W-W-Would you try again, sir?

One step forward.

March!

Report!

At ease.

Well, a remarkably

well-trained mule, Lieutenant.

But there's no indication

the animal can talk.

(Ma)" try again, sir?

Go ahead.

Francis, you and I have been

through a lot together.

We've faced death together.

So, for my sake, won't you please,

please talk to the general?

This whole thing is ridiculous.

It's inexcusable!

Some of you junior officers are beyond me.

You're full of prunes or prune juice.

You confuse me,

you confuse the G.l.'s,

you confuse the whole w*r effort!

When I think of what you'll

do to the post-w*r world,

the hair I have left stands at attention.

General, you said a mouthful.

Just give me good junior

officers and I'll have the best-

Who said that?

It does my heart good, General,

to hear you talk that way.

Lust echoes what I've been

thinking ever since Pearl Harbor.

Lieutenant, you're a ventriloquist!

Oh, no, sir.

Attention!

No nonsense, this is an order.

I want direct answers to direct questions!

Name?

Francis.

Organization?

723rd mule detachment, sir.

Serial number?

M-5-2-5-1 -9.

At ease!

Well, I'll be hanged.

I'll be double and triple hanged.

I'll be hanged in 72 languages.

So you can talk?

Yes, sir!

Lt. Stirling,

I owe you an apology.

We all owe you an apology.

Yes, sir.

You, Francis, have clone a truly

magnificent job for the army.

Oh, shucks. I only tried

to do my duty as I saw it, sir.

When America hears about you, it'll

cause more furor than the w*r.

That's the last thing I want, sir.

And, pardon the presumption, sir,

it's the last thing you should want too.

What's your point? Well,

that a three-star general...

won't get any further with those army

psychiatrists than the Lieutenant did.

They'll sing a different tune

when they hear you talk.

But they're not going to.

What? You mean you won't talk?

That's right, sir.

What if I order you to talk?

I hope you won't, sir.

But I'm the commanding general.

And I'm a mule, sir, and I have

the right to act like one.

Francis, the one thing I won't tolerate

in my command is willful insubordination!

I'll obey any ordinary

mule order, sir, but that's all.

You'll obey any orders you're

qualified to obey, talking included!

And if I don't?

What happens to you?

Are you threatening me?

I'm merely reminding you, sir, of

what happened to the Lieutenant.

I'm perfectly aware

of what happened to the...

Lieutenant, but I...

For the good of the service, sir,

I suggest we forget

about this little meeting.

If you're going to be stubborn, I...

You may have a point at that.

At any rate, under the circumstances

you leave me no alternative.

But how am I ever gonna get out

of the psychopathic ward?

That'll be taken care of somehow.

Come to think of it, you may be right.

This should go no further.

Very well, then. Are we all agreed?

Yes, sir!

Well?

Hmm?

Oh, yes, sir.

[ Knocking]

Yes?

Surprise.

Surprise, Lieutenant.

We're gonna start another ducky new basket.

Here you are.

Oh, no, you don't.

Hasn't Col. Plepper heard

from Gen. Stevens yet?

Well, yes. In fact,

he's with the general right now.

Lieutenant, is there anything

wrong with the general?

Half the medical staff is over there.

Oh, no.

Orders are orders, Colonel, and I

order you to discharge Lt. Stirling!

Sir, regulations are regulations.

I can't discharge a man

in Stirling's condition!

For the 10th time, there's

nothing wrong with Stirling!

He's perfectly normal.

Normal people normally don't go around

holding conversations with mules.

Gentlemen, I was hoping I could avoid this,

but for Lt. Stirling's

sake, you force me to-

Colonel Carmichael, in accordance

with army regulations,

you have periodically given me a

thorough physical examination?

Why, yes, sir.

You've always found my reflexes

to be normal? Yes, General.

You've found no sign of neurosis,

abnormality or mental aberration?

No, sir.

Very good!

Gentlemen, I have news for you.

Lt. Stirling's mule

can talk.

I've talked with him, and

what's more, he's talked back!

Well, really now, General!

Steady, Plepper.

General,

What is it, Col. Carmichael?

Nothing, sir.

I was merely trying to remember

when you had your last physical.

Get that look out of your eye, Colonel!

You're not getting me in any psycho ward!

I tell you Francis can talk!

Do you understand?

That mule can talk!

Yes, General.

If you say so, that mule can talk.

That's better.

Now, gentlemen, for obvious reasons,

no word of this should

get outside this office.

Furthermore, I gave the mule my word.

Tell me, sir. Is it just Stirling's

mule who talks to you...

or do all mules talk, hmm?

Excuse me, General. Put it

right over there, Sergeant.

Hooker, what the devil's

the matter with you?

W ejust made a transcription of the Tokyo

broadcast. You should hear it, sir.

Col. Carmichael, when did you

last examine Col. Hooker?

[Woman's Voice]

This is radio Tokyo...

bringing you the voice

of your Tokyo correspondent.

Good afternoon, fellows.

How's it going?

Before I give you the news of the day,

I've picked up a little top

secret that's too good to keep.

Believe it or not, the Americans have a

talking mule in their Burma command.

Not mule talk, mind you,

but real important conversation.

He reports on japanese movements

and helps plan defense strategy.

At least, that's what their general claims.

And a three-star general can't be wrong.

Can he, fellows?

Well, that's the scuttlebutt, boys.

Of course, it's just barely

possible the poor man can be-

Your guess is as good as mine.

But it does make me wonder which

jackass would be the better general.

C'est la guerre, boys.

Nowa tune to cheer you up.

Turn that blasted thing off!

It's obvious thejaps have got wind

of Stirling's hallucination...

and they have twisted it

into damaging propaganda.

Brilliant deduction, Colonel.

I suggest, General,

we issue an immediate denial

and state the real facts.

What I'd like to know is

how the news leaked out.

I'm sure Francis didn't say anything.

Hardly, unless we share the Lieutenant's

delusions about the animal.

It's rather funny at that. Imagine

if a mule really could talk.

What do you mean, imagine? It was the

mule's idea that this be kept confidential.

[Chuckling]

Yes.

I beg your pardon, sir.

A TWX, sir.

Urgent.

Well, we're due for a visit.

A planeload of correspondents on their way

to Kunming heard the Tokyo broadcast.

They request permission to land.

Of course you'll refuse, sir.

What, and have them think I'm really crazy?

That mule's gonna have

to talk to the press!

Gentlemen, with your permission.

Col. Hooker, release Stirling and

have him bring Francis here.

Here, sir?

Yes, sir.

Oh, Col. Hooker.

Yes, SW?

Tell him to...

brush him up a bit.

Yes, sir.

And if you're thinking

of starting me on a basket,

I'll have the three of you court-martialed!

Dismissed!

What's the idea, Lieutenant?

The-The-The general's orders, sir.

General, Lt. Stirling

and a mule reporting, sir.

[ Stevens]

Send them in.

At ease.

What kept you, Lieutenant?

Francis didn't want to come.

He's here under protest.

Oh, he is, huh?

Yes, sir.

He feels he's been double-crossed.

He's not going to talk.

What?

I'm sorry, Francis. An unfortunate

development, but that's w*r.

[Clears Throat]

Francis, I want you to meet Col. Hooker.

He's been a bit skeptical.

The G-2 men, you know.

Hard to convince.

Oh.

Speak to him.

It's a pleasure, Francis.

The general has spoken very highly of you.

Now listen, Francis. This is

no time for personal feelings.

The morale of this

entire command is at stake.

Uh, perhaps, he should

rest a while, General.

He looks very tired. Nonsense!

He's just a stubborn m-

He's just stubborn, that's all.

And that plane's due any minute.

Attention!

Attention! General, please, you've

got to get hold of yourself.

Get hold of myself, indeed!

My order's being defied by a

stupid, insubordinate jackass!

He could be shot for it.

He should be, General.

[ Hooker] It would solve a lot of problems.

He can't do this to me.

The ungrateful, unpatriotic, unmentionable!

Believe me, Francis, I don't know how

the japs got the news any more than you do.

Yes, there's a few questions

I'd like to ask on that subject.

If he won't talk to me,

he won't talk to you!

Oh, I wasn't going to talk

to the mule, sir. I...

Lt. Stirling.

Who did you talk to about Francis?

Sir? Who did you talk

to about Francis?

Uh, no one, sir. That is-

Only to Mauree-Miss Gelder.

Oh, Miss Gelder? I had to prove

to her that I wasn't crazy, sir.

And I just happened to mention that

Francis had talked to the general too.

That's all I wanted to know.

Sir, I may have the answer to everything.

I should know in a few minutes.

[Hooker] May I be excused sir?

Very well.

G-2 Intelligence. Huh!

sh**t him and we might win this w*r.

My sentiments exactly.

Francis!

Francis, I knew you wouldn't

let the general down.

Keep your shirts on. The gentlemen of

the press will get no copy out of me.

Use your head, Francis.

You stand on the threshold

of fame such as few men-

Few people-Few creatures have ever enjoyed.

Oh, I wouldn't enjoy it, sir.

But-Now, just picture it, Francis.

A special unit activated to handle you.

Waited on hand and foot.

Millions listening to your every word.

One of the most revolting

sales talks I've ever heard.

Why the thought of it, sir; makes

me shiver right do wn to my tax!

Think of the opportunity!

Why, you're a nobody.

Well, it's your nobodies, sir,

who are winning this mule's w*r.

Francis,

I've given 35 years of my life to the army.

And in all modesty, up to now,

I have been considered

a pretty sound military man.

But my whole career will be

ruined today if you don't talk.

And mine will be ruined if I do!

But, Francis, think of my family.

Uh-oh!

You've got me there, General.

I haven't got a family.

And according to all scientific reports,

I can never acquire one.

But the answer is still no!

And I am still the commanding

general of this theater!

I have a good mind to horse whip you!

Easy now, General. Suppose you

raised one little finger to me.

Lust a gentle slap, mind you.

Then suppose I talked.

I can see the headlines. “Defenseless

Mule Beaten By General.”

What a story.

Why, you, you-

You're not worth

the gunpowder to blow you to-

Mess up my life, mess up my command,

mess up the whole w*r effort!

You too!

Out of my sight, both of you!

Yes, sir.

Come on, Francis.

Well, you certainly cooked our

“gooses.” Geese, Lieutenant, geese.

Get back in there, Lieutenant.

You can't leave now.

But the general's orders, sir.

Sir, the correspondents have arrived.

They're on their way in.

Get that animal out of sight and

keep it out of sight. Yes, sir.

Sir, the correspondents

mustn't even see the mule.

Why not? Hiding him isn't

going to hide my humiliation.

But you're not going to be humiliated...

and the correspondents

are going to get a story.

They-Behind the map board, Lieutenant.

[ Stevens ] Stop talking

in circles, Hooker.

I'm in no mood for guessing games.

General, Miss Gelder has been

induced to substitute.

She's ready and waiting

for the press conference.

Does that answer things for you, sir?

Yes! Yes!

And, uh, if she doesn't make

them forget what they came for,

I don't know w*r correspondents.

Very good, Colonel.

I'm afraid I've been a bit testy.

Oh, I can well understand, sir.

Come on.

Let's meet the press.

Lieutenant, swing him around.

His... tail is showing!

Yes, sir.

And, Lieutenant.

Yes, sir?

Not a word out of either of you.

No, sir:

I wonder-I wonder what Maureen can

do to satisfy the correspondents.

Well, how about a fan dance?

Yeah, hey, hey.

And as you know, this is one of the

vital areas of action of this w*r.

The strategic situation here

is entirely dependent...

upon the uninterrupted flow of supplies.

The airlift, as you are

aware, is definitely limited.

What about this Tokyo broadcast?

In spite of all obstacles,

the job is being done.

General, do we get a look

at this famous mule?

How 'bout a picture? How about an

interview with this amazing mule?

Yeah, what's with this Tokyo

Rose and the talking mule?

Oh, yes, the story of the mule who's

winning the w*r single-handecl-

Single-footed!

What we could do with an army of such

remarkable creatures, eh, Col. Hooker?

Indeed, General, but I think we'll

muddle through without them...

despite the enemy's ridiculous propaganda.

Much as it may spoil news

value for you, gentlemen,

I'm not quite ready

for the psychopathic ward.

But you're not going away empty-handed.

Col. Hooker, suppose you brief the

boys on what's in store for them.

Glad to. As you know, both the

British and American armed forces...

have been operating in this theater

with complete cooperation.

British Intelligence picked up the trail

of a beautiful woman, supposedly French,

suspected of being part...

of a network of agents

collaborating with the enemy.

She was last active somewhere in Sumatra.

One of our patrols picked up the

supposed daughter of a Dutch trader,

also a very beautiful young woman,

helping her papa run a trading

post in the Burma hills.

Oh, no, that's not true. Shh!

We suspect that she was the same

girl, but we have no proof

So we took a rather

ingenious young officer,

assigned him to Intelligence,

and dangled him as bait.

So that's what you were doing

in 6-2, a booby-trap.

When you see the girl, and then

take a look at Lt. Stirling,

you'll realize that her

only interest in him...

could have been for the purpose

of getting information.

We saw to it that the Lieutenant

gave her misinformation.

But, when he concocted the

fantastic story of a talking mule,

Miss Gelder couldn't resist it,

sent it over to the enemy,

and the trap was sprung.

Well, gentlemen, there's your story.

Worth coming for?

Sure, if she looks as good as she listens.

Bring Miss Gelder in.

Letgo of me!

Laissez-moi! Laissez-moi!

Cochons, cochons!

Pigs!

So brave, so strong, these Americans.

Two of them to guard one girl.

You have no evidence against me.

No evidence?

You're the only one

to whom Lt. Stirling...

told that absurd talking

mule tale, uh, story.

And that misinformation got to Tokyo.

What proof have you got that I sent it.

Who accuses me, anyway, that lunatic

Lieutenant? Oh, no, Maureen.

I didn't have anything to do with this.

I don't believe any of it!

Sir, this has all been a terrible mistake.

She couldn't have done it. But you could.

And you did, didn't you?

Anyone crazy enough

to think that a mule can talk...

is crazy enough

to send messages to the enemy.

Isn't that so, Peter?

Why do you not confess?

Maureen.

Lieutenant, keep your mouth shut.

I'll handle this.

Sir, this dame's got him so goofy,

he's liable to say anything.

Silence, Francis, you'll speak

when you're spoken to!

Oh!

So you-You can talk.

I hope to kiss a duck, I can talk.

And now I'll tell you how she got

that information to the enemy.

You know that old Burmese temple

up the road a piece?

Well, you'll find a couple of natives

hanging around the back door.

They're her messenger boys.

Maureen, why don't you say something?

Why don't you deny it?

Deny it? You stupid idiot.

It's all your fauit.

You-You and that stinking mule!

Take her out. No, you cannot do this.

You have no evidence.

Laissee-moi!

Cochons! Laissez-moi! Maureen!

Thank you, Francis. I'm glad I have

at least one ackass in my command.

Gentlemen, I didn't want to deceive

you, but in the interest of-

Spy stories, they're a dime a

dozen, but a talking mule!

I still don't believe it.

It's mass hypnosis.

Sure, the whole thing's a gag.

We're either being played for saps or we're

all going as balmy as the Lieutenant.

This thing can't talk.

A mule's the stupidest beast in existence.

Next to correspondents.

So you geniuses know eveything, huh?

Well, I got some news for you.

Quote, there's a w*r going on, unquote.

50 go peddle your papers.

We got some fightin' to do!

Francis!

Please remember that these gentlemen have

come thousands of miles to meet you.

If I'd have known, I'd have baked a cake.

Francis, these men are leading

representatives of the press.

Lust goes to prove what I've always said.

The only reliable reading

is the encyclopedia.

Francis!

What am I supposed to do, sir,

write their hogwash for 'em?

All we want are a few statements.

Okay, sh**t.

How did you learn to talk?

A stupid question!

How'd you learn?

Why, my mother taught me. She

must've had quite a struggle.

Francis, a little courtesy.

That's an order.

Yes, sir.

Francis, how 'bout a couple of

shots of you and the general?

Well, that's up to you, sir.

Why, certainly, certainly.

All right, gentlemen,

sh**t!

[ Hooker]

Attention!

Halt!

You understand, General, I'm

making this trip under protest.

Orders from Washington.

They're convinced

the correspondents are crazy...

and are holding the stories

until you arrive.

They've assigned six men

to you as orderlies.

You arrive in Washington on Sunday.

From then on, you're under

direct orders of the Pentagon.

Everything's being arranged

for your comfort.

Just what I deserve for not

keeping my big mouth shut.

But think of the good you can do.

w*r bond drives, speeches,

public appearances.

You'll have a tremendous influence.

Horsefeathers!

I'm a fightin' mule.

I wouldn't be surprised

if! ran out on the whole show.

But you-you couldn't do that, Francis.

No, I couldn't.

Then again, maybe I could.

Well, you better get started.

Good voyage.

You know something?

I'm gonna miss you, Lieutenant.

Gee, Francis, it's only for

a couple of days though.

I'm to meet you in Washington.

Oh, there must be something

the matter with me.

Why?

Oh, I hate to leave you.

Well, keep your buttons shined.

Good-bye, Francis.

Yeah, so long.

Francis?

Huh?

- Take care of yourself.

- That's a hobby of mine.

Amazing.

Simply amazing!

You have your orders? Yes,

sir, 24 copies of them.

Fine. Proceed directly from the airport

to the Pentagon. Francis will be there.

You're to stay with him, reporting to Gen.

Fullbright of Morale Services.

Well, your plane leaves in a few minutes.

Good-bye, sir.

Bye.

Good-bye, sir.

[Phone Ringing] Take good care of Francis.

I wil, sir. Hello? Good

trip, Lieutenant.

Thank you.

What?

Wait, Lieutenant, wait.

Are you sure?

Official?

All of them?

No word of him?

Yes, just as soon as you get anything.

I'll wait.

There's been an accident.

What, sir?

The plane has crashed.

Francis crashed?

Oh, no.

What happened, sir?

We don't know.

Where?

The hills of Kentucky, just a few

minutes ago. No further details.

The crew?

All parachuted to safety.

The mule refused to leave the plane.

Francis!

Francis!

Sol was returned to the United States.

I searched the wreckage of the plane.

Francis's body wasn't there.

Then I started combing

the Kentucky countryside.

I looked everywhere, sir.

Everywhere.

And, of course, you never found him.

What, sir? I say you

never found him.

Oh, yes, sir, I found him.

You what?

I found him, sir.

You did?

But-but-but what happened to him?

Well, he's living with me at my house.

Living with you now?

Yes.

Would you like to come and meet him?

Who? Me?

♪ My bonnie lies

over the ocean ♪

♪ My bonnie lies

over the sea ♪♪

Is this the animal? Yes, sir.

This is Francis.

Wake up, fella.

I've brought our bank president, Mr.

Munroe, out to meet you.

Ah, he's heard stories, thought

I might be a little crazy,

so I want you to put his mind at rest.

It's your mind that needs rest,

not mine, young man.

If that stupid-looking thing has a

thought in its head, let alone talks,

then I'm a jackass too!

Here we go again!