01x07 - Spoiler: Dexys Midnight Runners Get a Royalty Payment

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ [QUIRKY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- Okay, guys.

Clearly, we're gonna have to control
our thoughts in this world.

- [WITH RHOTACISM] Absowutewy.
- Good idea.

BERT KIBBLER: [THINKING]
This reminds me of a movie.

What was the name of that movie?

Bert, focus.

Um, sorry.

BERT: It had that girl in it.

The one who's married

to what's-his-name
in real life.

Phoebe Cates.

Nope, not Phoebe Cates.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Boy, that was a good movie.

BARRY KRIPKE: Ah!

The pool scene
where she takes her top off.

DENISE: So hot.

♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

Sexuality exists on a continuum.

BARRY: True.
Wob Wowe's on my continuum.

No, he's not.
I do not want to kiss Wob Wowe.

- On his pouty wips.
- ♪ [INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

BERT:
Weird that Kripke's thoughts

have a speech impediment.

[SIGHS] Okay, okay. We have
to figure out where we are

and what we need to do to get
where it is we're supposed to go.

BERT: What Women Want.
Mel Gibson.

Oh, Mel Gibson wasn't married
to Phoebe Cates.

No, it's a movie with telepathy.

Like what's happening with us?

BARRY AND DENISE: Oh!

STUART BLOOM: I'm all alone.

- Go ahead, Stuart.
- ♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪

Now, the instructions that came
with the device are a message

from whoever's trying
to help me.

BARRY: Wook at me,
PhD from Stanford,

and I'm taking orders from a guy
who wuns a comic book store.

You wanna be in charge, Kripke?

No, you're doing fine.

I'll just wait for you to fail,
then make fun of you.

Thank you.

Now, according to this,
the reason

we can't restore
the prime universe

to its original state

is we're moving laterally,
when we should be moving along

a fourth-dimensional axis.

- Time!
- Time.

BERT: [TELEPATHICALLY] ♪ Keeps on slippin'
Slippin', slippin' ♪

- ♪ Into the future ♪
- DENISE: ♪ Into the future ♪

You done?

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

- ♪ [SOFT MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- DENISE: Look at my man taking charge.

STUART: Look at Denise
looking at me taking charge.

- ♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪
- All wight, boss man, how do we accomplish this?

So the Leonard-Sheldon thingy
was never completed.

- It needs a steering wheel.
- A steering wheel?

Not literally, but some kind
of control mechanism

to get us back
to the time and place

before everything went to hell.

Too bad Wadioshack
went out of business.

BERT: [CHUCKLES TELEPATHICALLY]
"Wadioshack."

- Hey!
- Sorry.

It's hard to not think.

It's like you tell somebody,
don't think of a pink elephant.

ALL: [OVERLAPPING]
Pink elephant?

BERT: See?

Kripke, where can we find
something like this?

- ♪ [DREAMY MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- DENISE: I think I can get past the weak chin.

I want his children.

STUART: Seriously?

DENISE: I wouldn't think it
if I didn't mean it.

- Aw.
- ♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

BARRY: I see what to do here.

- ♪ [QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- We can jewwy-wig something out
of a satewwite controwwer.

Mm. Where do we find
a satellite controller?

That's easy. Engineering
department at Caltech.

Great, then that's
where we're going.

BARRY: "Great,
and that's where we're going."

- Real mature.
- BARRY: "Weal mature."

STUART: as*h*le.

♪ [THEME SONG PLAYING] ♪

♪ Stuart tries
To reset our lives ♪

♪ But he fails
To save the universe ♪

♪ He's our only chance
And he tries and he tries ♪

♪ But he fails
To save the universe ♪

♪ Stuart fails ♪

♪ [CHOIR VOCALIZING] ♪

♪ Stuart fails ♪

♪ [THEME SONG CONCLUDES] ♪

♪ [QUIRKY INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

How can I help you?

We're here
to see Howard Wolowitz.

He's an aerospace engineer.

One moment.

- ♪ [FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- BARRY: You smell just like my mother. [SNIFFS]

I'm sorry?

BARRY: You heard me.

- ♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪
- Please stop thinking.

[KEYBOARD KEYS CLACKING]

I don't have a Howard Wolowitz.

- Are you sure?
- I'll check again.

- [KEYBOARD KEYS CLACKING]
- I'm not really checking again.

- Just trying to be polite.
- Huh.

Nope. No Howard Wolowitz.

Could you give us a minute?

No problem. I'll be here.

Until I drop dead
because I married a drummer,

and this is the only way
we have health insurance.

How can Howard not be here?

Maybe he doesn't exist
in this universe.

She's right. I can't find
Howard Wolowitz anywhere.

Well, keep looking.

BARRY: Man.

I'd wike to take her home,
wip her cwothes off

and finish prematurely,
then cwy wike a baby

when she gets in a cab
and weaves.

Ew.

Nope. No
Howard Wolowitz anywhere.

STUART: Well, we're screwed.

Well, we're screwed.

DENISE: Honey, we heard you.

Honey, we heard you.

Hang on.
I found Bernadette Rostenkowski.

Maybe she knows something.

- Worth a shot.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

- ♪ [FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- Hey.

Hi.

BARRY: How'd you wike
to be, uh, disappointed?

♪ [PLEASANT
PIANO MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

What is wrong with you girls?
Come on, pick up your feet.

You're like a bunch
of baby hippos.

REBECCA: Die, b*tch, die.

You think about your mother
with that mind?

I guess
she's not a microbiologist

in this universe.

BARRY: Your observation skills
are bweathtaking.

- Barry, really?
- I think 'em wike I see 'em.

All right, take five,
drink some juice,

drink some vodka. I don't care.

Can I help you?

You don't know us?

Were we in rehab together?
'Cause a lot of that's a blur.

You're Bernadette Rostenkowski?

That's my maiden name.

My married name
is Bernadette as*h*le.

Does Mr. as*h*le

possibly also go by
Howard Wolowitz?

Who?

He's an engineer,
wooks wike a garden gnome

with a Beatles haircut.

Does he sell coke on the side?

- [SIGHS]
- No.

- Then I don't know him.
- BERT: What happened to you?

I'll tell you
what happened, Sasquatch.

I had an alcoholic mother
try to live out her dreams

by dressing me up,
shoving me in beauty pageants,

feeding me diet pills
to keep me skinny,

all so I could become
Miss California Quiznos 1999.

- DENISE: Aw.
- STUART: Sad.

BERT: Quiznos. Yum.

Here I am, teaching pampered
little maggots how to tap,

which is pointless,

since the only dancing
they're ever gonna do

is on the pole.

- STUDENT 1: Oh, no.
- STUDENT 2: What?

- STUDENT 3: Mommy.
- Ah, shut your brain holes.

We're sorry to have
wasted your time.

BERNADETTE: Wouldn't be a waste
of time if you k*lled me.

Have a great day.

All right,
future eating disorders,

let's get back to work.

- ♪ [PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- [BARRY CHEWING]

You know, in a telepathic world,

you can talk
with your mouth full.

- Tewwific.
- Check it out.

[MUNCHING]
In a telepathic world,

you can talk
with your mouth full.

BARRY: Yeah, I get it.

- Hey.
- BARRY: Where you guys been?

We need to figure out a way
into Caltech.

Sorry, we were having sex.

Stuart.

I was going to think it anyway.

BARRY: I don't need
to hear any more.

- ♪ [GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- STUART: It was incredible.
I knew everything she wanted.

DENISE: It was great.
No questions, no apologies.

STUART: You wouldn't believe
what I finally found.

DENISE: Yeah, you did.

- ♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪
- So what's the plan?

It's simple. We break
into the engineering department

and steal the components.

- Simple, my a*s. We can't break in.
- ♪ [INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

STUART: And even if we could,
we don't know what we're looking for.

And even if we knew,

we don't know
how to put it together.

And let's say
we put it together,

we don't know how to operate it.

And even if we figure out
how to get in,

what we're looking for,
how to put it together,

and how to operate it,
we don't know where we're going!

♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪

Any questions?

No, I think we're good.

[SLURPS]

How wong are we gonna
keep doing this?

There is no trickewy in a world
with tewepathy.

There's gotta be a way.

Bert, think of a card.

BERT: Three of Clubs.

Thwee of Cwubs.

Let me try again.

Jack of Hearts?

Bert, stop.

Obviously, we need to find a way
to shield our thoughts.

Like Magneto's helmet.

BARRY: Oh my God,
more of your comic book sh*t.

Somebody k*ll me.

STUART: Oh, I'd love to.

- DENISE: I wish I could.
- BERT: I'll hold him down.

Wow. Very nice. Shame on you.

I don't mean literally
Magneto's helmet,

but some kind
of telepathy blocker.

Why don't we meditate?

You know,
"Quiet the monkey mind."

- Worth a try.
- Okay. Great.

- I'm game.
- Why not?

[DENISE SIGHS]

Everybody close your eyes
and follow your breath.

In...

- Out.
- ♪ [TRANQUIL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

DENISE: This is dumb.
I can't do this.

- Two yoga classes and, suddenly,
I'm Deepak Chopra...
- [OVERLAPPING THOUGHTS]

STUART: I haven't had
a good bowel movement

since the cow world.

All this universe hopping
can't be good for my digestion.

It's basically travel,
and that's always rough...

BERT: I had chili on a hot dog,
and I thought,

"This is crazy."
But it's not crazy

'cause it's good.

BARRY: Wike, I know
I'm not my thoughts,

and I know
my basic nature is wove,

and I wove the winen pants
with the dwawstwing...

DENISE: ...damn spot. Lady Macbeth.
Lady and the tr*mp.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I am trying not to fart.

- Breathing in...
- STUART: And...

- BERT: My dad used to own a Datsun...
- STUART: "Fee-fi-fo-fum.

I smell the blood of an Englishman."
Where did that come from?

DENISE:
Am I being charged for it?

BARRY: Oh, sh*t. I forgot
to pick up my dwy cweaning.

- ♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪
- All right, let's put a pin
in meditating. What else we got?

♪ [QUIRKY INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

BARRY: I don't think
this is gonna work.

You got a better way
to block our thoughts?

I didn't think so.

[QUIETLY] One, two, three.

ALL: [TELEPATHICALLY]
♪ Come on, Eileen ♪

♪ Oh, I swear
Well, he means ♪

♪ Ah, come on
Let's take off everything... ♪

We were listening
to it in the car. [CHUCKLES]

Real earworm.

Oh, I get those all the time.
[CHUCKLES]

[TELEPATHICALLY]
♪ Dust in the wind ♪

♪ All we are
Is dust in the wind ♪

How can I help you?

I'm sure you remember
we were here the other day.

MS. NOWITZKI:
I'm on so much medication,

I don't remember anything.

Yes, of course.
Nice to see you again.

Mm. Anyway, uh, David Saltzberg
over at UCLA asked us

to bring this over
to the engineering lab.

Up the stairs, down the hall.

Thank you.

ALL: [TELEPATHICALLY]
♪ Toora, loora, toora Loo-rye-aye ♪

♪ Eileen
I'll hum this tune forever ♪

♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

Engineering wab
should be down this hall.

You have any idea
what we're looking for?

Your basic variable
impedance controwwer circuit.

I am so full of sh*t.

STUART: Quick, sing something.

BARRY: [TELEPATHICALLY]
♪ Tall and tan and young... ♪

BERT AND DENISE: [JOINING IN]
♪ Young and lovely The girl from Ipanema ♪

- ♪ Goes walking and when... ♪
- STUART: That's enough.

ALL: What the f*ck?

We gotta go.

♪ [SKA-PUNK COVER OF "COME ON EILEEN"
BY SAVE FERRIS PLAYING] ♪

Catch their swipstream.

[ALL SCREAMING]

♪ Come on, Eileen ♪

- Get out of the way!
- [GROANS, YELLS]

- ♪ Come on, Eileen ♪
- [GROANS]

[GROANS]

- Hey, hey!
- ♪ Toorah, loora ♪

- Can we talk about this?
[SCREAMS]
- ♪ Toora, loo-rye-aye ♪

[OVERLAPPING CLAMOR]

♪ Eileen
I'll hum this tune forever ♪

♪ Toora, loora ♪

- Ooh, yum!
- ♪ Toora, loo-rye-aye ♪

- ♪ [SONG CUTS OFF] ♪
- [ALL GROAN]

♪ [QUIRKY INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

- Who are you?
- Who are you?

- Oh, hang on.
- One sec.

- Continue.
- Okay.

♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪

BOTH: Who are you?

I asked first.

All right, go ahead.

This is gonna take a while.

Yeah.

♪ [INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

Are you the me that came to me
in the comic book store?

I thought you were the me

that came to me
in the comic book store.

All wight, all wight.
Before we go any further,

I just want to point out,

you, sir,
are one handsome bwoke.

Right back at you.

We don't have time for this.

We're on a mission
to save the universe.

Oh, who isn't?

An alternate version
of me told me

that I'm the only one
who can fix things.

Well, he lied, 'cause ta-da!

We have the device.

So do we.

Well, this is a pickle.

The way I see it,

there's a couple
of possibilities.

Lay it on me, my brother.

The Stuart
from the other universe

didn't trust the first Stuart,

so he also sent a Stuart

from another universe
on the same mission

as a failsafe.

That's clever.

- Or...
- Enough talk!

Every minute we waste arguing,

the fabric of reality
is at risk of collapse!

[COSMIC WARBLING]

♪ [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

Get the device.

Don't make this difficult.

What did you do?

I'm not gonna mess
with that guy? [GRUNTS]

We gotta follow him.

- ♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪
- Now what?

I could eat.

- [CHEWING]
- ♪ ["MR. BLUE SKY" BY ELECTRIC
LIGHT ORCHESTRA PLAYING] ♪

- ♪ Sun is shining In the sky... ♪
- [INDISTINCT CLAMOR]

[SOLDIER YELLS, GROANS]

- [SCREAMS]
- No, thank you.

Hit the switch! Hit the switch!

♪ And don't you know ♪

- Here we go!
- ♪ It's a beautiful new day ♪

- ♪ [SONG ENDS] ♪
- [SIGHS]

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

- Oh, no.
- ♪ [BROODING WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

I think you mean, "Oh...
[IMITATING HORSE NEIGHING]

Huh.

Hey. Hey.

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

♪ ["BROKEN HORSES"
BY BRANDI CARLILE PLAYING] ♪

♪ Only broken horses know ♪

♪ To run ♪

♪ Tethered in wide open spaces ♪

♪ In fields
That lead for miles ♪

♪ Right into the barrel of ♪

♪ A g*n ♪

♪ Mendin' up
Your fences with my ♪

♪ Horses running wild ♪

♪ Only broken horses know ♪

♪ To run ♪

♪ [SONG CONCLUDES] ♪