01x02 - Sweat, Sports Cars and Singapore

[bunniefuu]

- [engines roaring]
- [upbeat rock music]

[tires screeching]

[music ends]

[ambient traffic sounds]

- [phones ringing]
- [indistinct chatter]

[Francis] Tell you what,
the other day I saw

at Skipton Station
quite a rare locomotive.

And it has the cam--
So, it's a Class 60

and it has the tappet noises,
the tk-tk-tk,

that you can hear the tappets

underneath the covers
'cause it's a straight eight,

humongous engine.

Um...

and they're quite hard
to come by nowadays.

[James]
Hm, anyway!

Check this out.
Aston Martin DB11.

£180,000 new,

five years later, 80 grand.

It's lost 20 grand a year.

[Tom] I can beat that.

This is a BMW M8.

This was £160,000 new.

Now it's £90,000.

That's lost £70,000
in under a year.

That's ridiculous.

[Francis]
However, if you're in the market

for a second-hand sports car,

especially a cheap one,

all this depreciation
can be your best friend.

You just need to find that sweet spot

where an old car's just done all
of its depreciating.

It's sailing away into the distance.

But before the engine blows up.

Yeah, it's like depreciation roulette.

I'd say the question is,

- for a proper driver's car...
- Yeah.

...one you can trust,

how low can you go?

[James] After further scouring
of the ads and much debate,

Thomas eventually came up
with a sweet spot.

Uh, I think five grand.

That is dangerously low.

No, I think that's absolutely doable,
£5,000.

Yes, I do as well think that.

[Tom laughs]

[James] So,
with that rather ambitious target fixed,

we set about finding
our budget sports cars.

[momentous music]

And to find out who had chosen best,

the office sent us here...

Singapore,

where our cars were waiting for us

at the world's
most spectacular dealership.

[Tom] Woah!

So, our cars are in there?

- [Tom] So, it's like a vending machine?
- Yeah.

[Tom] But for cars.

[music continues]

[James]
As it turns out, it even operates

like a vending machine.

I'm drawn to the Ferrari immediately.

- Okay.
- [James] All right.

Order a Ferrari.

- Wait, you ha-- have a selection.
- [James] Oh!

- [twinkling sound]
- F8 Tributo.

- [momentous music]
- [beeps]

[clicks, whirring]

[Tom]
Oh, something's happening. Hold on.

[Francis] Oh-hoohoo!

- [Tom] Hello!
- [Francis] Wow.

[James] Look at that.

- [click]
- [beep]

- [Tom] Oh, that's cool!
- [Francis laughs]

[Francis]
It needs a voice, saying,

'This is your new F8 Tributo.'

- 'Ferrari F8.'
- [laughter]

[Francis] But even though the car
has come out of a vending machine,

they are absolutely not sold
for the price of a KitKat.

- [James] This is a 20-- This is a 2020.
- [Tom] Yeah.

[James] One... milli--
What's one million Singapore?

- One million?
- Brace yourself.

- Is it cheap?
- Six-- £600,000.

- What?
- [Tom] Wait.

These are, like, 250 grand in the UK.

What do you mean £600,000?

- Yeah.
- Why is it £600,000?

Do you want the long answer
or the short answer?

- [Tom] Short answer.
- Short, 100% short.

Ridiculous taxes.

- [Tom] Okay!
- But for rich...

[Tom]
That's for just, like, the fancy cars.

I-- it's, it's for all cars.

Look, Mini--, 2025 Mini Cooper.

- That's like a new Mini Cooper.
- [Francis] Yeah.

[Tom] Two-hundred and four--
So, what's that? Like a...

£140,000.

£140,000!

- For a Mini?
- [Francis] Yeah.

A Mini! That's--
How much are they? They're like...

- That's a £25,000 car brand new.
- [Tom] 25,000.

[Tom] To bring some sanity
back into our lives,

we decided to extract
our cut-price sports cars.

- [twinkling sound]
- And I went first.

[music continues]

[James]
Oh, I see a shadow.

I'm so excited for to see this.

- He's already smug for some reason.
- [Tom] I'm already...

Very, 'cause I know
what's coming down that lift.

- [Francis] Ooh!
- [Tom] Behold.

A 2007,

£5,000...

Jag XKR.

[Francis]
What's ha-- what's happened to it?

[Tom]
What do you mean, what's happened to it?

- It's a fake.
- [Tom] It's not a fake.

- [James] Fake.
- [Tom] It's not a fake.

[James] Can't get a Jaguar XKR
for £5,000.

[Tom] If you're really, really clever
and you don't care about mileage,

you can get a Jag.

[James] You bought an old, high-mileage,

supercharged V8 British Grand Tourer?

- [Tom] I did!
- For five grand?

Look at this thing!

- [Francis] Is this...
- [James] Not known for reliability, eh?

[Francis] Thomas, you've committed
a crime against King and Country.

- [Tom] What are you talking about?
- [Francis] It's lost its British poise.

- Its elegance.
- What are you talking about?

- You got-- You've figured everything.
- [Francis] What the hell is this?

That's a I dunno. I didn't--
It was in the ad, from a distance.

What aerodynamic purpose
does this serve?

[Tom] None, but it looks so sick!
Look at it!

- [James] The wing is terrible.
- [Francis] There's tinted rear lights.

[Tom] But it has a supercharged V8.

Supercharged V8 with...

- How much horsepower?
- Is it the four-- the 4.2 or...

Four point two, 420 horsepower.

Yeah, you couldn't afford the five.

[Tom] No, you don't want the five
'cause it's less reliable.

Couldn't afford it.

[Francis]
It's even been dechromed.

- [Francis laughs]
- [Tom] All of your worries, Francis,

will immediately dissolve
as soon as you hear this thing start.

- [engine revs]
- Oh h* h*!

- [revs]
- Oh!

- [revving]
- [hearty laugh]

- [ominous music]
- [James] With Thomas's rather...

brave choice unpacked,

it was time to reveal...

- my car.
- [music builds]

[Tom]
All right, what you got?

- What is... Okay.
- [James] Welcome.

- From 20 years ago.
- [Tom] Ooh!

For £4,200,

a Daytona blue

- Nissan 350Z.
- [Francis] Fair play.

[James] This is a proper sports car.

- Three pedals, naturally aspirated...
- Yes, yes...

[James]
V6, rear-wheel drive,

this is the-- the pinnacle!

[Tom] What happened to the hood?

[Francis] Oh!
[laughs]

[Tom] What happened to the...

[James] Okay,
obviously you haven't seen Prison Break.

That's the tattoo you get
so you know how to get out of prison.

[Tom]
It looks like a rotten toenail.

[James] It's patina.

[Francis]
I have a bit of a gripe with the 350Z.

- Do you, Francis?
- [Tom] In general?

It doesn't honour its Z heritage.

- What?
- Think-- think about the 240Z.

- The 300ZX.
- Yeah?

They're cutting, angular,

and to be quite honest,

working from the front,

it's-- it's almost like

watching a football player,
like, miss an open goal

'cause it starts so well
coming through the midfield,

and he's got through the defence...

Oh... Oh...

[Tom laughs]

- Looks like we're going home, son.
- [Tom laughs]

It needs to be angular.

There needs to be a nice, jutting edge.

[Tom] It's a bit sad.
It's a bit sad right here.

- [James] It's not-- It...
- [Tom] Sadness.

You know, it hasn’t got all the rubbish
your car had on it, Thomas.

It's pretty stock.

[intriguing music]

[Francis] Having seen
my colleague's offerings,

I was now more confident than ever
about mine,

a cheap Mercedes CLK 55 AMG

dressed up like a Black Series.

[music fades]

I have achieved...

a collision
between the CLK DTM Cabriolet

and the CLK Black Series,

both of which are hundreds
of thousands of pounds.

Oh, my God!

[Francis]
The car itself, £4,000.

Right.

And I had money to spare.

[James]
So, you went for a gaudy body kit?

[all laugh]

[Francis]
Underneath this is a CLK 55 AMG.

[James] So, he's gone British.
You've gone German...

high displacement, convertible

- fake-body-kitted...
- No.

AMG that wants to be a Black Series?

Ooh, it's a bit rough up here, Francis.

It's kinda...
it's foxing, I think we'll call it that.

- [James] Yeah, what's that?
- That can rub off.

[Tom] It's not as good
as we originally thought!

[James] I hope it doesn't rain here
in a tropical...

- [Tom] It only rains every day!
- [laughter]

[James] It's de-badged though.

It's like it's not willing to admit
that it's faking.

- [Tom] Look at the size of the flare!
- [James] Yeah.

[Francis]
From afar and with blurry eyes

this makes me extremely...

It makes me extremely happy regardless.

[ethereal music]

[James] The next morning,
we were on the road early

to see which
of our five-grand sports cars

made the best first impression.

[engine purrs]

[Tom]
Ooh h* h*!

[Tom] Oh, this is enormously exciting.

Five grand!

Five grand for this whole Jag!

I mean, the check-engine light's on

and it says
'Check Pedestrian Warning System',

and I think that at some point

somebody de-upholstered
a wingback chair

and used it to redo the headliner,

but I'm still feeling really good
about my choice right now.

[eastern-inspired music]

[engine revving]

[James] Notice there was no surprise
in their voice

when this came down the elevator

because... it just makes sense.

It's just a great sports car
for the money

and this one,
which has done 146,000 miles...

[engine revving]

Yeah! It doesn't--

It doesn't feel
like it's done that at all.

There's no rattles. There's no creaks.

Here's all you need to know.

Thomas is driving a ticking time b*mb,

Francis is driving a bucketload
of plastic surgery,

and I'm driving the only true,
two-seater sports car here.

[music continues]

[distant car horn honking]

[Francis]
This is a modern AMG classic.

I can't believe what I'm looking at.
I have...

a speedo that goes
to 200 miles an hour.

I have 367-brake horsepower

- underneath my right foot.
- [music fades]

[engine revs]

- [upbeat music]
- Right.

Remember you're driving
in a new country.

Don't get too carried away.

[music continues]

[James] In fact,
Singapore is literally the last place

to get carried away.

- [car horn honks]
- The traffic is terrible.

[Francis]
Renowned for its congested roads

and strict speed limits,

our plan was to do
what all local petrolheads do

and head North across the border

into Malaysia

where we can properly test our cars.

- [Tom] Oh, my God! A tunnel!
- [music fades]

Here we go!

[revving]

- Ooh h* h*!
- [James radio] Thomas, be careful.

All right?
There's a lot of rules here.

You can get in trouble for that.
There's cameras in this tunnel.

[Francis radio]
In terms of the laws here, they're...

pretty severe.

You know you can't even walk
around your flat naked? [laughs]

- [click]
- What about other people's flats?

[James radio] No, honestly,
it is very, very strict in Singapore.

Spitting? Jail.

Vaping? Jail.

Singing songs
that have expletive lyrics?

Jail.

Connecting to somebody else's Wi-Fi?

Jail!

Okay, some of those are fines,

but most of them are jail.

Well, that's... disappointing.

You know what else is disappointing?

It's that my car is completely
in limp mode right now

and I'm currently losing power.

It's not!

We're in a tunnel.
Why-- why don't you give it a rev?

I'm breaking down as we speak,
literally!

- The dashboard's a Christmas tree!
- [music fades]

- [whoosh]
- Stupid.

[click]

I just want to say I'm really sorry
to hear about your failure.

No, you're not!

- Ow, f*ck!
- You sound like every teacher

he had in school.

[Tom]
Woah! That temperature under the hood.

You see if a belt's broken?

You know, that's the supercharger belt.
It's fine.

[Francis]
Do you think the alternator's gone?

[Tom] Maybe. Yeah, yeah.

Luckily, the office had
such little faith in our choices

that they'd provided us
with a diagnostics computer.

I think the OBD reader

will just give you a whole book...

worth of what's wrong with this car.

Yeah, I don't think you need
an OBD reader. You need a Kindle.

[laughter]

[Francis] I have to say,
you're putting on a rather brave face.

I mean, if I was in your shoes and...

I'd broken down
probably within two miles?

It's quite literally two miles.

- Yeah.
- I'd-- I'd be devastated.

I am. This is me devastated.

[upbeat hip-hop music]

[Tom]
Annoyingly, Francis was right.

The Jag's alternator was shot,

so we went down
to a local breaker's yard

to find me a new one.

[music fades]

[Francis radio]
All the cars scrapped seem to be new.

- [eerie music]
- [distant car horns]

Where's the front half of that Q5?

Actually, where's the front half
of all of these cars?

[Francis] These cars are in half!

[Tom]
That is half of a new CLX--

- There's a 750IL!
- [music fades]

There's a Gallardo up there.

[suspenseful music]

[Francis] Inside this bizarre
automotive slaughterhouse,

there were even more distressing sights.

[saw buzzing]

- [James] Weird.
- [Tom] What the hell is going on?

- Guys.
- [James] There's a Gran Turismo there.

[Tom] Yeah, spea-- there's a Maserati
in here that's currently being cut

- in half.
- [James] What?

- Well, tell him to stop!
- [Tom laughs]

[suspenseful music builds]

[James] Why?

- That hurts to watch.
- That's actually difficult to watch.

Honestly.

There's the back of an S-class there.

[Tom] What the hell?

Th-- they're not gonna cut this in half?

-This is a perfectly good...
- [car chirps]

[laughing]
It's-- it's a fully functioning...

It's literally just turning on!

[music continues]

[Tom]
While ordering my replacement part...

I'm looking for an alternator

for a 2007 Jag XKR.

XKR.

...I found out the reason
for this butchery.

The cars are cut in half

so they can be sold for spare parts

and benefit from more tax breaks.

Dial in a rebate
on those massive government taxes

we learned about earlier

and it ends up being cheaper
to k*ll a car for spares

than to keep it going.

[music fades]

So, this is a country
that incentivises the m*rder of cars.

Pretty much, yeah.

- I have an idea.
- Dire.

Let's get the hell out of Singapore.

I'm gonna fix my car,
and then we're gonna leave. Yeah?

- [James] Done.
- Okay.

[Francis] Well, you know how, um...

when steam engines were retired
back in the day,

the last thing before they were,
like, cut up

is they'd do one big whistle.

Don't. You're gonna make me cry.

[long horn honk]

I rea-- I really don't like this, James.

[James] Yeah, let's get out of here.

[buzzing saw fades]

[upbeat funk music]

[Tom] With my Jag fixed,

we hightailed it over the border

and into Malaysia

free of the shackles of Singapore.

Sport mode. Downshift. Window open.

[engine revving]

Oh h* h*!

[radio] That car suits you somehow,
Francis.

I don't know how, but it does.

Is it the snarling
Black Series body kit?

[James radio] It definitely has
I-married-a-Kardashian vibes

when the roof is down.

[chuckle]

[Francis]
Having turned off the highway,

we quickly found the sort of road

where we could really start to unpack

who'd bought
the best five-grand sports car.

[music continues]

[engines revving]

[James]
Proper road, proper sports car.

[engine roars]

This is it!

All right, the suspension does feel
a little bit soft around here.

It's a bit old. It's had a life.

And the steering...

is a bit vague.

However, I am sitting inside

the sports-car formula.

The only thing I would change
is if I could put the roof down,

I would
'cause Francis doesn't look happy.

He looks giddy.

- [upbeat rock music]
- [Francis laughs]

[Francis] Woah!

What a machine!

What a four-grand machine!

Keeping it in that mid-RPM range

really makes this car
feel so energetic.

I'm so glad
that we escaped Singapore

and I'm so glad that we decided
to come off the Malaysian motorway.

[engine revs]

[Tom] All right, you know what?
Sometimes it takes a road like this

to really... show what a car is all about.

It's been the perfect blend

of performance and comfort.

And now,

it's a full-on sports car!

[engines roaring]

[music fades]

[James] With the fun over,
it was time to rejoin the highway

heading North.

[grungy rock music]

What a change from Singapore.

What kind of car?

It's a Black Series!

This is a pretty cool trio.

[James]
But our cars weren't the only cool thing

on the roads of Malaysia.

The office had tipped us off
about somewhere

that demanded... further investigation.

[haunting music]

[Tom] Look at this place, guys.

[Francis]
Do you think we're allowed to go in?

[Tom] I don't know.
It's weirdly futuristic,

but I feel like I'm in The Last of Us.

- [solemn piano music]
- [Francis] This is Forest City.

Opened ten years ago,

this $100-billion high-rise island

was intended to offer a futuristic home

to nearly a million residents.

But today,

thanks to the knock-on effects
of the Chinese property crash,

it's pretty much deserted,

and when life gives you
an abandoned city...

[music fades]

I'm seeing hairpins.
I'm seeing chicanes.

[Tom]
Uh, yeah, I think, uh--

you know,
when you have an abandoned city,

I'm pretty sure it's in scripture

that you have to turn it
into a race track.

Right?
That's what we're supposed to do here.

[momentous music]

Having figured out a layout

for a makeshift circuit,

We got ready to put our cars

through their first proper test

with a timed lap,

and first up

was James's measly,
287-horsepower Nissan.

- [music stops]
- All right, are you ready?

I'm experiencing a performance issue.

[Tom] What are you talking about?

[clicks]

- [click]
- [Tom laughs]

His car's not starting!

Is your-- are your batteries flat?

I don' think so, but could you
just give me a little bump?

Sure, this is a very heroic way

to start the, uh,
Forest City Grand Prix.

Can this also be a part

- of your timed lap?
- [James] No.

[Tom grunting]

We're flying!

- [Tom] All right, pop it!
- [engine turns over]

[laboured revving]

Oh, yeah, listen to that V6.

- [winded] Okay!
- [chuckle]

- [whoosh]
- [Tom] Three...

two... one...

- [Francis and Tom] Go!
- [beating drums]

[tires screeching]
[engine revving]

A smoky start!

Go on, Nissan!

This is your moment!

[Francis]
Bold into the first chicane.

[James]
Oh, that's a tight braking zone.

This is probably
about where Thomas's car will die,

- so I'm not worried about that.
- [revving]

- Do you think he's gonna be okay?
- No.

- You see how many curbs there were?
- Yeah, but, like...

Only an idiot
would use this as a race track.

Go, go, go!

- [Tom] Ooh!
- [Tom and Francis laugh]

[Francis]
He's not holding back.

[James]
Ooh, I can do something they can’t.

[tires screeching]

That sounded--
That was a hand-brake turn.

That was a hand-brake turn!

Oh, yes! Japanese, light weight!

Get out of the way.
We should get out of the way.

Go, go, go!

- [music ends]
- [Tom and Francis] Ooh!

Well done! Well done.

[brakes squeal]

How'd it go?

Look how sweaty he is!

I had to-- I turned the air con off.
I was going full bore.

[Francis]
You were scorching.

- [James] What was the time?
- [Tom] You did a 1:56:069.

- Is that good?
- Yeah-- well, no.

Yes and no.

So that record, that record...

[Tom] It is technically a rec--
I knew you were gonna say that, yeah.

- [tense music]
- Next up, Francis.

[Francis]
I've decided structural rigidity

needs to be optimized here,
so I'm gonna put the roof up.

[Tom] Ah, yes, the cloth roof
with some wire in it

is gonna really stiffen the structure
of this car.

It's marginal,
but this is what I'm working to here.

Look at-- This is so extra.

Leave it to the Germans.
Look at these little flappy things here.

One-hundred percent
that will eventually break.

Francis, 1:56...

Oh, he's in the zone already.
Oh, my God.

- [James] He's concentrating.
- [Tom] Okay.

I was gonna pep talk him and everything.

You can see, he's a laser. Look at him.

[Tom] You ready? Here we go.

Three, two,

one... go!

- [engine revving]
- [beating drums]

A precise and measured start
for Francis Bourgeois.

[James] You can hear it
echoing off the buildings.

You can hear it
echoing off the buildings.

[Francis] Oh!

Backing coming out a little bit,
but the traction control's cutting in

to keep me... right where I need to be.

[James]
He doesn't match that car,

but it's like--
It looks like Postman Pat

- driving the Death Star.
- [laughter]

Seventy-five miles an hour!

Francis is a weirdly good driver.

[James] I know.

Oh!

- [Tom] Through the chicane so smoothly.
- [James] Bouncing off these...

[Tom] He's like Jensen Hutton,
barely on the wheel.

The gearbox really stretches
through its gears,

so coming out
of these slower corners...

[Tom] Oh, my God! He's moving!

[Francis]
... feels a little bit sluggish,

but the torque is what pulls it through.

[Tom]
James, you are absolutely cooked!

- No, no, no!
- [music ends]

[laughter]

He beat you...

He beat you by...

- [whoosh]
- This is what a Mercedes AMG

is all about.

I'm in complete comfort

whilst presumably doing some good times?

A 1:50:078.

No!

So, six seconds roughly...

- ... faster than James.
- [James] No, no, come on.

You've got how much?


- How much horsepower you got?
- 367.

- Right, right, right.
- [chuckle]

[tense music]

[Francis] Last to go
was the temperamental Jaguar.

[engine purring]

[Tom]
All right, I have a little confession.

While we were prepping for our laps, uh,

I found some paperwork
in the glovebox

that said
that this car had actually been tuned.

Uh, so, it's no longer
making 420 horsepower,

it's making 450.

Yeah, basically what I'm saying

is that my money's on me.
[clears throat]

Three, two, one... go!

- [laughter]
- [beating drums]

[Francis laughing]

[Francis]
Look, it's just one...

That was just one wheel.

[Tom] All right, let's not forget
that the Jag XKR

is an all-aluminum chassis.

That means it's light.

[James] He-- he's got the most power.

He should demolish us.

[tires screeching]

[Tom]
Oh, my God! There's so much torque!

[revving]

[James] Ha!
He has absolutely no excuse

to not beat you by a landslide.

[impression of Tom] I'm gonna beat
all those guys no matter what!

[tires screeching]

[Tom]
Does have the adaptive dampers, but...

I don't think
they're very adaptive anymore.

- Scrape!
- [scuff]

Scrape! Scrape!

Right through here, oh my God!
That's tight! Curve, curve!

Curve! Jesus!

[music builds]

Oh, my God! This thing is quick!

[music fades]

[laughter]

[sighing]
Okay.

It's-- it's a bit of a handful.

Yeah.

It's-- it's got more power
than I thought.

Yeah.

It's a good thing
you did that burnout off the line.

Did I do a burnout?

[James] Okay,
you had 1:50:078 to beat.

- Yeah?
- By this man.

You did it.

- In 1:50...
- Yeah?

...194.

So, you join me
on the wrong side of 1:51.

Well, Thomas,
put it down to the German engineering.

And your pointless theatrics.

- [James chuckles]
- [Tom] Haha! For f*ck's sake!

[ominous music]

[Tom]
The next morning, James's car

was once again testing the limits

of our five-grand sweet spot.

[Francis]
Just mind your toes, Thomas.

[Tom]
Hard down, hard down.

Okay...

[Tom grunts]

[ignition fires]

Now I've got my sun-creamy handprints
on the back of his car.

[Tom laughs]

[funky music]

James, do you know
how I started my car this morning?

[laughter]

I pressed my, um, push-start-stop button

on my gear selector.

Yeah, that's actually so weird.
That's...

how I started mine as well.

I have a little button here that says,
'Start Engine - Stop'

and-- and it did that.

[James]
I will never apologize for the fact

that my car has a friend-maker feature.

[chuckle]
Friend-maker feature, okay!

[Tom]
As we headed further North,

we got our first taste

of Malaysian car culture.

No way!

Check out these Protons!

[engines purring]

[Tom] Oh, my God!
Look at the wing on that thing!

[Francis] Malaysia's finest!

Can we pull in?

[music fades]

[James] Guys, are these yours?

[men] Yes!

- Oh, sick!
- Malaysian cars.

Very good.

So, this is a-- Is it a Satria?

[man 1] Yes, this is a Sat-- Satria.

It's a... Malaysian car.

- [Francis] Yeah.
- [man 1] So...

- We have these in the UK.
- Yes, that's true.

- Satria GTI.
- Yes, yes, yes.

You've done a mighty fine job.

Look at that!
Look at that bit, oh my Lord!

I would shield your eyes then
from the g-- garbage

- that is on these two cars.
- No, man.

- [laughter]
- Hold on!

This is how you-- Look.

You've changed a German car into a liar

and a British car
into something horrendous.

These cars respond really well

to a huge wing.

You've got these splitters, diffusers,

canards,
I don't even know what that's called,

- but I love it!
- [chuckles]

- [Tom] Yeah, this is, uh...
- It's real.

It's a bit more rigid than mine.

[tense music]

[James] The Proton guys
were clearly just as impressed

- by our performance machines.
- [music fades]

- [Tom] What do you think?
- [man 2] Ah, sh*t!

[laughter]

[Tom]
All right, guys, out of these three,

which one would you take
as a base for modding?

- A base for modding?
- Yeah.

- Base for modding?
- [man 1] The fair lady.

[James] Thank you
for calling my car a fair lady!

[Francis sighs]

But you--
you don't like the Black Series?

We like, but the parts are expensive.

[all laugh]

[Francis]
On the subject of money,

we decided to compare
how much had been spent

keeping our five-grand cars
on the road over the years.

- Okay.
- I don't think I've got anything

- to be ashamed of here.
- Really?

I failed one MOT in its entire lifetime.

- Yeah.
- And £3,000 of service.

Oh, okay.
My, uh, yearly MOT safety thing,

uh, five fails...

but they were all minor things
like tire-tread depth

and, like, head lightbulbs
and that sort of thing, right?

You-- Oh, my God!

Hold on. Is that all service?

- Is that why you're so jacked?
- Francis, look at the ratio here.

Fifty-percent manual,
fifty-percent service.

- This is all I've got right here.
- Where's your manual?

Th-- this-- this is purely...

This is 5% manual.

[Tom laughing]

Ninety-five percent service!

This is just highlighting how meticulous

- the previous owner was.
- [Tom] Uh-huh.

How much work has been done
to this thing?

[Francis] Uh... £31,000...

spent on the CLK.

£31,000?

[James] That's six of your cars.

[Francis] It makes my purchase...

even more incredible.

- I'm sorry, how?
- [James] No, it doesn't.

I makes it far worse.

[Tom] Which means that if those things
happen once, they'll happen again.

I'm sure there are some recurring issues
in there, am I right?

This points to a murky future for you.

So, they had to work
on the air conditioning 13 times.

[laughter]

But I-- I'm seeing that as iterative.

They're improving it each step.

- Right.
- [Francis] And right now we've arrived

at the optimum CLK
air-conditioning system.

- [Tom laughs]
- And is it good?

I'm having a great time. I'm...

- Until the 14th time.
- I've been completely cool

this whole time, so come on.

Yeah, or it's about to break.

[tense music]

[Tom] And on that point...

- [Tom] Oh, Jesus! It's hot!
- [Francis] Push it on the plastic.

[Tom] ...we got James back on the road.

- [tires screech]
- [engine revs]

[upbeat rock music]

And headed towards...

Kuala Lumpur...

in the company once again

of some delightful modded cars.

It feels great, you know,
coming from Singapore

where it felt like...

people are almost punished
for owning cars

to Malaysia where... it's celebrated.

[Tom] It's not...

Lamborghinis or expensive exotics.

It's none of that. It's just, like...

good-old, everyday,
car-enthusiasts' cars.

I think we've found our people.

I have to be honest,
I'm starting to feel left out now

on the modding scene.

[sing-song]
James wants to mod his car!

He wants to join the club!

[Francis]
But it seems like almost every car here

is modified in one way or another.

[Tom] I was talking
to one of those Proton guys

and they said there's a...
[clears throat]

bit of a drift event
going on in KL tonight

if you want to check it out.

Absolutely!

Are we calling it 'KL' now?
Are we already locals?

Gosh, KL!

KL?

Yeah, yeah, 100%. It's KL.

[inspiring music]

[Tom] Kuala Lumpur.

A city of towering skyscrapers,

bustling markets,
and magnificent temples.

- [horns honking]
- And beneath it all

lay a hidden gem.

[tense music]

[engine revving]

Oh, boys! Look at this!

[deafening tire screeches]

Oh h* h*!

- [revving]
- Holy sh*t!

[laughter]

[heavy electronic music]

[James]
Welcome to KL's underground drift scene,

a secretive world where the rules

appear to be:
look cool, slide around,

and avoid the concrete pillars.

[revving]

[Francis] They must have to clench
something between their bum cheeks.

Yeah, their giant ba*ls!

Massive ba*ls!

That's the only explanation!

[music fades]

Why do people not shout more

- about Malaysian car culture?
- [Tom] Seriously!

- This is nuts!
- Because they can't hear over it!

[laughter]

[music continues]

[Tom] That's so good!

- [Francis laughing]
- [music softens]

[James] They're dressed up.
They've got the wraps.

[Tom] Yeah, sliding canvases.

- James? [clears throat]
- [James] Yeah? What?

This is what your ca--
your car is supposed to look like.

It's got the splitter.
It's got the wing.

It's got some,
like, anime graphics, right?

See, you're doing it wrong.
This is the way to do it.

[James] I like it, okay? I like it.

[Francis] Inspired by the moving artwork
around him,

James disappeared off
with the drifters...

[tense droning music]

...and the next morning

told us to meet him at a gas station

where the drift guys
regularly hang out.

[music ends]

Whoo!

[trap music]

[Tom] Oh, this is cool!

Ha!

My God.

This is awesome, oh my Lord!

I feel slightly embarrassed to, uh...

have our cars within such prestige.
[chuckle]

[Tom]
No, all of these cars are... mint.

This is a cool life, you know?

You spend the evening drifting,
you come here, you get coffee.

[Francis] No one's paid any attention
to our cars.

[Tom] I was about
to say exactly the same thing.

Not a single person
has perked up and went,

- 'Ooh, look at the Black Series!'
- [rev]

Shi--

[revving continues]

[mysterious music]

[laughter]

- No way!
- Was that loud enough?

[Tom] No, you did not.

Yes, I did!

[Japanese trap music]

[Tom] Oh, my God!

[James] Say hello to the new
and improved...

Malaysia-ready 350Z.

- Isn't it just beautiful?
- [Tom] James...

Is that you?

Yes.

[Tom]
That makes that me and that Francis.

[James] Yes, it does.

This is how I see you guys.

[Francis]
Are you actually that muscley?

It-- it's making use of shadows,
but yes.

- Is this a new bumper?
- This is, it's a new...

Oh, you did the thing!
'Oh, 'cause I'm a dr*fter'

- [whine]
- Do you want me to run you through it?

- Sure.
- Don't do that!

[Francis] That's a Nismo-style bumper.

- [James] Yeah, carbon-fibre wing.

I've got straight-pipes exhaust
coming out the back.

[laughing]
Oh, my God!

It's wrapped!

This is just as crap as mine,
I'll have you know.

[laughter]

[ethereal music]

[Tom] Clearly keen to as*ault KL's ears

as well as its eyeballs,

James insisted
that we hit the overpass.

Go on, James. Give them some.

- [music fades]
- [revving]

- Whoo!
- Oh h* h*!

[James cackling]

[Tom] Yeah, I'm sorry,
but anybody that says

V6's don't sound good...

[rev]

That's... holy sh*t.

[engine roaring]

[Tom chuckling]

[Francis laughing]

[James cackling]

[Francis] James,
you've polished your turd

into something incredible.

Whoo!

[sharp inhale]
Ah!

That's not gonna get old.
That's not gonna get old.

[industrial electronic music]

[James]
Now that at least one of our cars

looked like it belonged,

the local drifters invited us all

to a nearby track

where they had set up
a drift course for us...

one with a rather alarming substitute

for concrete pillars.

[laid-back trap music]

- [Tom] Hello.
- Hello!

What's with the baskets?

- Well, king of fruits.
- [Tom] Yeah?

This is the durian fruit.

This is-- I can smell it from here.

[Francis] The baskets were loaded up
with durian fruit,

a Malaysian delicacy
which is so pungent

it's actually banned
from public transport.

[James]
It smells like a city dumpster.

Is this what new Malaysian drifters
have to do?

- [girl] Yeah, have you tried one?
- [Tom] Uh, no.

[tense music]

[James]
As Leona then demonstrated,

our challenge
was to drift through one corner...

- [engine revs]
- There she goes!

- ...without upsetting the durian fruit.
- [music fades]

- [engine revving]
- [tires screeching]

[Francis] Nice!

- Whoo!
- [James] Nice!

[Tom] That's tight. That's tight.

- Okay, okay.
- [James] That's really tight.

Um...

- [tense music]
- The forfeit

for hitting a basket of the fruit

- was to eat one.
- [revving]

And seeing as I now looked the part,

- Leona decided I should go first.
- [music fades]

[engine idling]

[Tom] I mean the good news is for us

is that at the very least if he sucks,
it will sound good,

so we can just close our eyes
and pretend.

Thomas, my window's open!

- I can hear you sh*t-talking me.
- What?

[Francis] The thing is
he has to embody what he's created

around this car now.

When you look at that car,
you see it going sideways.

[Tom] Look at that thing.

Okay, the jacket's off.
I need dexterity.

I need focus,
and I need all the power I can get.

First gear's my move here.

He's got way more tools than we do.

He's got a hand brake.
he's got a manual transmission.

He could clutch kick.
He could back it in.

He's got so many different options.

- Okay, here we go, here we go.
- [engine revs]

[revs growing]

[Tom] Whoo h* h*!
That sounded good, but it's wasn’t...

- [Francis] It wasn't sideways.
- No!

No, he just drove through it quickly.

[Francis]
Might need to go into second gear,

- James.
- Yeah, yeah.

[revving]

[slight tire screech]

[laughter]

That car's like,
'I'm going to blow up!'

I'm going again! I'm going again.
One more.

[laughter]

- Second gear, James!
- [all] Second gear!

- Second gear!
- [Tom] Look at them! Look it!

[Francis] Even the professionals
are saying, 'Second!'

- [revving]
- [screech]

[screeching]

[Tom and Francis] Oh!

[Tom laughing]

[Francis]
I think that serves him right.

He's had too many slices
at the cake.

- James, I'm sorry, pal.
- I guess you're out.

- But you're done.
- [Tom] I guess you're out.

[showdown music]

That felt like every sports day
I've ever had.

- [music ends]
- Here we go.

- [tires screeching]
- [cheers]

[applause]

- [James and Francis] Ooh!
- [James] He hit it!

[coughing]

On his dodgy splitter as well!

[coughing]

[James] There-- there's still smoke
in your cabin.

[Tom coughing]
My splitter!

[James] Thomas, unfortunately
you and I both have something in common.

- What's that?
- We're out of contention.

[showdown music]

[Tom]
It was now all down to Francis

to uphold the honour

- of our five-grand trio.
- [music ends]

All right.

Okay, come on, CLK.

- [tires screeching]
- [cheering]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[triumphant music]

[inaudible]

[music fades]

What are we even doing here?

What is the point of all of this?

[Francis] Now, I've heard the yellower
they are, the stinkier they are.

Wooh!

- [Tom] Three, two, one.
- [Leona laughing]

No, no, no!

- There's a lot happening right now.
- [Tom] No!

[James]
Don't make those noises.

- [dry heaving]
- Don't make those noises.

- [dry heave]
- Don--

- [Tom coughing]
- [dreamy music]

[Francis] With my Mercedes once again

proving itself to be the best
of the bunch,

come the evening, we headed back

to the city centre.

Oh, woah! Look at this.

Look at this, guys.

[Tom] That's the whole city!
Look at it!

Wow!

[music intensifies]

[James] Not to be outdone
by the blinding city lights,

I decided to join in.

Are you looking at my car?

- [music fades]
- Yes.

- [James] Wa-bam!
- [trap music]

- [Tom] Oh!
- [Francis laughs]

[Tom] He did underglow!
Oh, my God! That's so--

In any other place,
I would laugh at you,

but in Malaysia I'm extremely jealous.

Sorry, James, but I didn't know

that you could make your car
any more tacky.

[chuckling]

Well, I got good news, Francis.

I did it for you too.

- Wa-bam!
- [techno music]

Your car is having a disco, buddy.

Look at it!

[Tom] Whoo! Yes!

[laughing]
This is awesome!

Absolutely vile.

[Tom]
Unfortunately, James's Nissan overhaul

hadn't extended to actually fixing it.

[music fades]

- [engine dies]
- Oh--

f*ck...

Sorry, one sec.

I need them to push the car. Sorry.

Guys, I accidentally...

stayed in first gear
and came off the clutch.

We're going to need
to bump start right here.

sh*t!

[Tom] Idiot, idiot, idiot!

[James] Okay, push, boys! Push, boys!

[Tom] Mind the wing.

[James] Sorry, everyone!

- [Tom] Go!
- [ignition fires]

[Francis grunts]

Ooh!

[Tom] Sorry!

Sorry!

Thanks to you, James,
I almost got decapitated by...

the gate when it came down.

I'm starting to think
I should have fixed the starter

instead of going with,
you know, either the underglow

or the... spoiler or the...

lips and side kits.

[distant clamour of traffic]

[upbeat techno music]

[Tom] It was our final day

testing our five-grand sports cars,

and having been told
about some more brilliant roads

by our dr*fter friends,

we headed North
towards the highlands.

And as a treat for Francis,
I'd done a bit more modding

to his Mercedes.

[James] Oh, no!

Francis...

What?

[James]
I remember the last time I saw your car,

it didn't have a badge on it,

- and now it does.
- [music fades]

[Francis] What does it say?

[James]
It says a lot with just one letter.

No, it's not an M badge!

[Tom]
You're in a BMW now, son!

[cackling]

[sigh]

Imagine finding
the biggest Arsenal supporter

asleep in bed

and tattooing a Tottenham Hotspurs logo

on their forehead.

They way they'd feel

is how I'm feeling right now.

Sorry, one moment.

Ooh! Francis has got out of his car!

[Tom] What is he...

[cackling]

[laughter]

He threw it on the ground in anger,

but then he couldn't litter,
so he picked it up!

He's mad!

He-- he's no rule breaker,

so that's--
that's a mad Francis right there.

[Tom cackling]

[ominous music]

[Francis] Soon,
we reached the foot of the highlands

and began our ascent.

We've been climbing and climbing...

to the point where we've arrived
in a different climate.

We are actually in the clouds.

[dark sting]

[James] As we ascended,
we started to experience

yet another form
of Malaysian car culture.

You guys see that, uh,
old Land Rover there?

[Francis]
I'm seeing so many Land Rovers here

that I feel
like I'm having a mental misfire.

It feels almost as though
I'm in the Cotswolds somewhere.

[chuckles]

There's another one.

Coming across what looked
like a Land Rover old people's home,

we pulled over for a look around.

[mysterious music]

- [Tom] Holy crap, look at them all.
- [James] Yeah, but.,..

Look how clean that one is
underneath.

[James] That makes me feel trepidatious

because I worry it's gonna be
like the chop shop in Singapore.

- No, I know, Yeah.
- These are on their way to execution.

[Francis]
But judging from the spare parts

that were being used
to keep the Defenders going...

it looked like quite the opposite
was going on.

Look it. Look at the steering wheel.

- It's a Honda steering wheel.
- [music fades]

- Another Toyota engine in a Defender.
- Toyota engine, yeah.

That's how you keep Land Rovers alive.
You put Toyota parts in them.

[James]
Oh, so this isn't a graveyard. This...

it's a hospital.

Second-largest amount of Land Rovers

outside of the UK, here.

[laughing]
What?

[James] Look at that one.
It's on its last legs.

[Francis] So, the reason why

we're seeing so many Land Rovers here

is that there was actually
a tax incentive

for farmers to take on these vehicles

only if they used them
for agricultural purposes

and for them to only stay
in the Cameron Highlands.

Oh, so they can never leave?

[Francis]
Yeah, that's why they're still here,

but th-- this is the home
of the Defender.

This is the home of Land Rover.

- They're being used properly.
- It is now.

[intriguing score]

[Tom] As we climbed even higher
into the jungle,

Malaysia had clearly saved

its best until last.

[engines revving]

Look at the view.

Look at it!

And as we came toward the end

of our 350-mile journey,

we had time to reflect
on our five-grand sports cars,

which, despite a couple of wobbles,

were still going strong.

[music intensifies]

[James]
The boys said that I picked a safe car,

but they're wrong.

Now look at it.

- [rev]
- Now listen to it.

And for five grand!

I-- I don't know what else there is.

[Tom] This thing is brilliant.

It's from an era when manufacturers...

didn't care
about making every car so stiff

that it could take on a race track.

It has all the comfort
that you could ever need

and all the performance
you could ever need.

I kinda love it.

- [engine snarls]
- I really do.

[Francis] But as good as the Nissan
and Jaguar were,

the best five-grand sports car...

[clears throat]
service costs aside,

was the Mercedes.

It hadn't missed a beat.

[music builds]

There's so much to love about this car.

It felt like a bargain
in the tight streets of Singapore.

Letting it rip on the motorway,

I suddenly realized what I had
on my hands.

Drifting sideways,

it just showed its capabilities

when you really wanted it to be leary.

And here, crucially,

it has the ability
to really make you smile.

[Tom laughs]
Listen to these cars!

Ripping through here!

What a great end.

- Ah! Ooh...
- [crunch]

[Tom hysterically laughing]

[Francis laughing]
Oh, my God!

James,
you completely lost your undertrain.

[laughter]

[James]
Oh, yeah...

Oh, yeah.

[Tom] These are K-Cars.

They are Ozempic for cars.

This is a map of America.

In the states that are coloured in red,
K-Cars are currently ill*gal.

I just don't want to do anything
that's ill*gal.

Francis is too handsome for prison!

[Tom]
We've done something pretty big here.

This is embarrassing and ill*gal!

- [thud]
- Oh, my God!

[sirens chirp]

[ominous sting]

[driving rock music]



[music ends]