02x08 - Love Bites

[bunniefuu]

Hey.

Hey, there she is.
How was your dance class?

Want to see some hip-hop
moves I learned?

Wait, let me get my posse
together.

Mom, turn around.

[ Dance music plays ]

Damn!

Who´s been watering her
chi-chis?

Whoa,
when did that happen?

I don´t know, but if they see
their shadows,

we got six more weeks
of winter.

So, what do you think?

I think you should go upstairs
and put on a sweatshirt.

And another sweatshirt
and then a sleeping bag.

Dad, relax, it´s just
a crop top.

Well, the crops
are growing too fast!

What happened?

A minute ago, she was my little
girl in pajamas

clutching her Teddy bear,

and now there´s no room
for the Teddy bear.

What are you gonna do
about this, huh?

What am I supposed to do?

I´ll tell you what my mom did to
me when I hit puberty.

She slapped me,
and she said,

"that´s in case you do
something."

Then she slapped me again

and said,
"that´s in case you like it."

That´s terrible!

She was old-world, homes.

Hey, mom, how old were you when,
you know...

Your crops came in?

I was 16.

Yeah, but you got
pregnant at 17.

Angie!

Angie!

What is it?

I´m right in the middle of
Mr. Needles´ hydrotherapy.

Have you seen what Carmen looks
like in her dance shirt?

Which one?

The one that´s got the big
breasts in it.

Do you have to use
that word?

Keep it clean --
chi-chis.

So you´re just noticing
carmen´s...Chi-chis?

Hey, I don´t look there,
all right?

You´re the one who´s home
all the time.

How could you let
this happen?

Don´t blame Angie.

Carmen´s gifts obviously came
from my side of the family.

Five generations
of women...

Not one drowning.

This changes everything.

The boys at school are gonna be
all over her now.

We gotta do something.

Let me have a talk with her.
She´s at a delicate age.

Okay.

Be delicate.

Be sensitive.

Be gentle.

Just ruin sex for her.

I´ll be home
before dinner.

Honey, can we talk for
just a second?

Sit down and have a cup
of tea with me.

No!
The last time we had tea,

we talked about my special
friend coming to visit.

Oh, and the way,
you forgot to mention

she comes with a couple of
buddies -- crampy and bloaty.

Okay, forget the tea.
Let´s sit down.

[ Sighs ]

I want to talk to you
about boys.

What´s there
to talk about?

I can´t date
until i´m 16 anyway.

That´s not gonna stop
the boys.

You´re developing
a woman´s body,

and the boys are gonna start
to get...Excited.

And when boys get excited,

they´re gonna start putting all
kinds of pressure on you

to do things,
but don´t listen to them.

The boys who really like you
will still like you.

You should wait.

So that way, your first time
will be really special.

Oh, it was special,
all right.

[ Mr. Needles yelps ]

That was for dad.

I´m not listening!

Guys aren´t even looking at me.
You´re worrying for nothing.

I just want you to know we can
always have an honest talk.

Okay.

So when was
your first time?

My wedding night was very
special.

This honesty thing,
it´s a one-way street, isn´t it?

You can go now.

I want to add one thing --
men are pigs.

They just want to go to
bed with you,

and if they say
they love you,

they just want to go to
bed with you,

and if you´re stupid enough
to let them go to bed with you,

they´re thinking about going to
bed with somebody else.

Trust me, I used to be a man
before I got married.

Hey.

Thanks for not picking me
up in front of my house.

My parents are freaking out
about boys.

If my dad knew about you,
he´d k*ll you.

It´d be worth it.

Why don´t we blow off poetry
club and go for a drive?

That´s cool.

You know, my dad says
all guys are pigs.

Well, most of them are.

It´s a good thing
you found me.

[ Intro to w*r´s "low rider"
plays ]

♫ all my friends
know the low rider ♫

♫ the low rider
is a little higher ♫

Look at these chicken breasts.
They´re huge.

Would you like me to have a talk
with the chickens, too?

No, ´cause then i´d just have to
have a real talk

with them afterwards.

Wait a second.

What talk did you have?

What did you say
to Carmen?

Look, Angie, I know you
meant well,

but somebody had to tell
her the truth.

All men are pigs, and they only
want one thing.

George, when you make stupid
generalizations like that,

kids know it´s
not true.

Then they just go do
whatever they want.

My mom used to tell me
if I ever kissed a woman

or touched a woman,
she´d get pregnant,

and that kept me from ever
trying to touch a woman,

and that´s obviously bull.

So now I gotta talk to Carmen
and fix it.

Will you get this chicken
out of here?

I can´t think with all these
breasts in the house!

Excuse me.

Oh, can I help you?

Gas company.
Gotta read your meter.

My dad says you should
put a meter on my butt.

You´d make a fortune.

I like your dad´s sense of
humor.

Your son´s adorable.

But he´s not my --

you know, you gotta have
a sense of humor

to be a single father
in today´s world.

Not a lot of guys can
handle it.

I´m no hero.

I just know what´s important
in life.

[ Chuckles ]
This little guy.

Hey, you know, i´m not due back
again for a month,

but if there´s a leak or
something,

maybe you could call me.

[ Chuckles ]

Maybe I will.

You can´t be too careful
with leaks.

Being a --
being a single father and all.

That´s right.
Bye.

Bye.

All right.

Ernie, why´d you lie like that?
You´re not my dad.

That´s too bad, ´cause if
I were your dad,

you could all the ice cream you
could eat and a $5 allowance.

Make it $10.

Deal.

Daddy!

I´ll get my wallet.

Hey, there, Maximilian.
How you doing?

Have you been wrestling?

No.
Why do you say that?

´Cause you´ve got this big
purple bruise on your neck.

Oh, my god.
Adam.

You name your bruises,
too?

I have
a scab named Steve.

Mom and dad are in
the kitchen?!

Oh, my god!

Whoa, whoa.
Hold up.

I want to talk to you.

You know, i´m --
i´m really tired.

Can we do it later?

No, this is important.
Come down here.

Okay.

Oh, man,
it´s so cold in here.

So, what do you want to
talk about?

Listen, Carmen,

I went a little overboard
this morning, okay?

Not all guys are pigs.

The pope.

Regis seems friendly.

Carmen, your father´s right.
Not all men are pigs.

George, take down the hood.
I think she´s got a hickey.

Oh, my god.
Who did this?!

No one.

Oh, no one!

So you just used the corner
attachment on the hoover

to prove to everybody
that a girl would kiss you!

What? Huh?

Don´t turn this back on me!
Who did this to you?!

"Who did this to you?"

You´re making it sound so
horrible.

Why are you being
so dramatic?

No, that was shock.
This is dramatic --

you have lost every privilege
except breathing!

You´re never
leaving this house!

I have to go to school.
Not anymore!

We´re homeschooling you
from now on.

Whatever we don´t know,
you don´t know.

When did the korean
w*r start?

I don´t know,
and neither do you!

What the hell is
the reformation?

Sorry, out of luck!

George, calm down.

Carmen, come here.

I swear to god,
I will break you.

I want a name,
and I want it now.

[ Knock on door ]

We´re gonna find out
who it is.

No, you won´t.

Hey, uh, I walking
down the street,

and I found this book with
someone´s take-home test in it,

and it seemed important.

So i´m going door to door to
find out whose it is.

Is there
a Carmen lo-peez here?

Angie, does that moron
have a hickey?

Mm-hmm.

Run, Adam!
Run!

You´d better run,
moron.

George!

What happened?

Racial profiling.

What are you talking
about?

Let me ask you
a question.

If you´re a cop,
who do you chase --

the car that runs
a red light

or the latino guy chasing
the car yelling "i´ll k*ll you!"

Is that his antenna?

Yep.

You touch my daughter,
you go back to A.M., fool.

Can you believe Carmen is seeing
a boy who drives?

His name is Adam conners.
He´s 16.

They met at the poetry club,
and he´s sensitive, deep,

and beautiful in a way
we´ll never understand.

Apparently, her new chest is
stealing blood from her brain.

Where is she?

I sent her to her room.

I told her that from now on,
she is on a tight leash.

We´re driving her to
and from school

and keeping her home
at night.

Yeah, but what about while
they´re at school?

He´s got a car
in the parking lot.

There´s five minutes
between classes.

A lot can happen in
five minutes.

Max happened in five
minutes!

Four.

Look, you knew going in
it was gonna be a quickie.

George, what are we gonna do
about Carmen?

Well,
we tried talking to her.

We tried yelling at her.

She thinks she found
somebody special.

I guess our job is to guide
her through

all the mysteries
of young love.

This is gonorrhea!

And these...

Are genital warts.

Ohhh!

Not so happy you talked me into
that color printer now,

are you?

The red really pops.

What are mom and dad talking to
Carmen about?

You remember cooties?

Yeah, you get them
from girls.

Well, they´re talking to Carmen
about super cooties.

What makes them super?

How you get ´em.

Look, here come two more.
Come on.

Back to work.
Back to work, Max.

Hey, can you give me that
frisbee?

Me and my dad are
playing catch.

Sure.

Hey,
where´s your dad?

He doesn´t live with
us anymore.

Max!
Max!

Are you bothering
these nice people?

No, he´s not bothering us.
He´s adorable.

Hi, i´m Ernie.

And this is Max,

or as I like to call him,
the light of my life.

[ Chuckles ]

I´m Cindy,
and this is Michelle.

Hey, is it okay if the kids
play frisbee?

Sure.

Thank you, father,
for devoting your life to me.

Single parent?

Yeah.

Me too.
It´s not easy, is it?

Tell me about it --

all those sleepless nights,
all those dirty diapers.

Max is still in diapers?

I´m taking care of his
grandmother, too.

Hey, looks like the kids are
having fun.

You know, we just moved into
the neighborhood.

I´m sure that Michelle would
love to have a play date.

Great!
Great, let´s set it up.

So, what school does Max
go to?

Um, Roosevelt...Kennedy...
Luther king elementary middle.

[ Chuckles ]

Well,
we´ve gotta get going.

Call me.

Come on, Michelle!

Am I gonna have to go on
a play date, too?

Only once.

Then you get to go live
with your mom

and her rich new husband,

and I turn to Cindy to
comfort me.

I didn´t know you had to lie so
much to be with a woman.

Max, if I taught you one thing
today, i´m proud.

Look, here come two more.
Come on.

And this one´s name is
chlamydia.

Her turn-ons are ignorance
and horny teens.

Her turnoffs are
antibiotics.

I can´t look at these
pictures anymore.

I get it. I´ll never have sex
without a condom.

See, that´s not what
this is about.

Condoms can break,

and there´s other diseases you
can get, like --

Angie, where are my
genital herpes?

They should be in your lap.

No, I just got
crabs here.

Look, we were just kissing.
Will you guys relax?

No, I won´t relax.

Some of these diseases
can k*ll you.

I´m not gonna get a disease.
I can control myself.

Yeah --
control yourself.

Try that with a wine cooler
in your belly

and smokey Robinson
on the radio.

Grandma,
you´re not helping.

You´re right.

What do I know?

Hang on, mom.

Tell her.

Tell her what?

Tell her about being 17
and pregnant.

Tell her how I ruined
your life.

Oh, you didn´t ruin
my life.

This is no time to joke!

Your father didn´t ruin
my life.

I ruined my life.

Look, you fall in love
with a guy,

and you think it´s gonna
last forever.

So you forget about what´s
right or wrong.

You get caught up in the moment,
and you go to bed with him,

and it´s pretty good!

Mom!!

I´m not gonna lie!

But then he doesn´t turn out to
be the guy you think he is.

The next thing you know,
he dumps you,

and while your friends are
hanging out hanging fun,

you´re all alone raising
a kid, working two jobs,

up to your stretch marks in
dirty diapers.

I gave up all
my pretty years...

For this.

You ready for that?

I´m not gonna have sex.
I know i´m not ready.

And you´re not gonna
see Adam.

We don´t want you to
be alone with him.

All right.
I won´t be alone with Adam.

Good.

Can I go now?

I have to babysit
the kogen twins tonight.

Yes, you can.

Thanks, mom.

Can I go now?

I have to babysit
the coors light sextuplets.

This is not over.

Nope.

It´s only gonna get worse,
right?

Yep.

There´ll be more guys,
more lies.

Oh, yeah.

I think they had it right
a couple hundred years ago.

You get married at 14,
and by 30, you´re dead.

Hey, guys.

Hey, honey.
How was the park?

Good. I got Ernie eight
play dates next week.

[ Chuckles ]

What?!

The kid is a single-mom
magnet!

You can´t be serious.

Come on, you can´t let all
that cuteness go to waste!

Max has got maybe two or three
adorable years left

before he starts
looking like,

you know, you.

George,
will you talk to him?

I´m gonna go check
on Max.

You´ve been using my son
so you can score

with strange women
you meet in the park?

Uh-huh.

Dude, that is brilliant.

[ Laughs ]

Hey, little guy.
Is your dad home?

Yeah,
he´s right there.

But I thought he was
your dad.

I have two dads.

Oh.

When you said you were a single
dad, I thought...

I´m sorry.

I guess I made a mistake
when I gave you my card.

No, no.
No, no, no.

It´s not what it
looks like.

[ Chuckles ]

It better not be what
it looks like.

I was out of town for one week,
and this happens?

You better pick a team,
mister!

I´ll give you two
some privacy.

No, don´t!
Wait!

Why chase after that
when you´ve got all this?