02x11 - Meet the Cuban Parents

[bunniefuu]

Mom, look!
We found a tree!

Is that the sound
of pine needles

hitting my clean
kitchen floor?

It´s Christmas!
Come on!

Your parents will understand
a few pine needles.

George, they´re doctors!

They´re used to everything
being sterile.

Besides...they´ve never seen
the new house,

and I want everything
to be perfect.

[ Gasps ]

Is that a crumb-producing
food item?

Yeah, I guess it is.

[ Laughing ]

Hey! That feels good! Wow!

Hey, do me.

[ Doorbell rings ]

[ Gasps ] Oh, my god!
They´re here!

I´ll get it!

Here we go.

Here comes all the kissing
and the hugging.

Here come the loud,
emotional Cubans!

George, that´s just
a stereotype.

Man: Hello, hello, hello!
We´re here!

Oh, my god, look at you, Max!
You´re so big!

Woman: Carmen, is that you?!
You´re beautiful!

Okay. There.
It´s over.

There she is!
There´s my little Princess!

O-h-h-h-h!
O-h-h-h-h!

Bonita!

Man, you´re lucky
you´re deaf.

George!

Vic!

Emelina!

Hi.

How are you?

George...

I was wondering why
Angie was so skinny,

but now I know
where the food´s going, huh?

[ Both chuckle ]

The kids are so beautiful.

One day, carmen´s gonna be

the Princess
of the Cuban day parade.

But i´m only half Cuban.

That´s not your fault.

This one, huh?

So strong!

We´re going to need
that strength

to take the island back
from Castro, eh?

It took you a whole minute
to mention Castro, Vic.

You´re slipping.

Mom, dad, let me show you
the rest of the house.

Hey, did you see
the Barbara Walters interview

with Castro?

Why didn´t she just start
making out with him?

Max, wanna see the veins
on grandpa´s forehead pop out?

Yeah.

Tell him how great Castro looks
for his age.

Grandpa!

So, what do you think
of the kitchen?

You have to forgive me.
It´s such a mess.

Don´t worry, honey.

Tomorrow we´ll scrub
this place clean.

You´ll be able
to eat here.

Thanks, mommy.

Hey, I like the little tree
for the kitchen.

When are you getting the big one
for the living room?

Oh, um, i´m picking it up
tomorrow.

They cut it today,
but it takes all night to fall.

We´re getting two trees
for Christmas?

Cool!

Are there gonna be presents
under both?

Hey...

I don´t see why not.

You know...I got
a little pull with Santa

ever since I treated him
for that myocardial infarction.

How can he do the operation
if he can´t even say the word?

[ Imitating Vic ]
Myocardial infarction.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

What´s this?
Hmmm. Hey.

All these bills
are crumpled.

I might as well
throw them away.

Unless I can get someone
to take them off my hands.

Oh!
I´ll do it!

Thanks, grandpa!

Vic, you shouldn´t
do that.

Ahh, don´t worry, George.
I didn´t forget about you, huh?

Treat my daughter
to a nice dinner.

This isn´t right.

No, it´s not.

I respect you more than that,
George.

Thank you, daddy.
We really appreciate it.

Why don´t you go upstairs

and let the kids show you
your room, huh?

We´ve been married
for sixteen years,

and your dad´s still
giving me money.

It´s his way
of trying to help.

Well, it´s insulting,
Angie.

He´s disrespecting me
in my own house.

As long as i´ve known
your dad,

he´s always looked down
on me.

You know, i´m managing
the plant now.

I don´t need
his pity money.

Come on, George.
They´ll be gone in a week.

I have to put up with your mom
every day,

and she never gives
me money.

Actually, I even think i´ve seen
her going through my purse.

But, Angie,
it´s a whole week of,

"George, it´s not too late
to go to college."

"George, angie´s old boyfriend
is a millionaire."

"George, say hello
to my little friend."

My dad is not scarface.

Come on!

Just one week
with no fighting.

All right.

But if he stays longer than a
week, I swear i´m gonna have a

[ imitating Vic ]
Myocardial infarction.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Intro to w*r´s "low rider"
plays ]

♫ all my friends
know the low rider ♫

♫ sleep in heavenly peace ♫

♫ sleep in heavenly peace ♫

Hey, hey, hey!

Jack, Mel, wow!
That was beautiful!

Come on! Let´s give it up
for the bosses!

[ Cheers and applause ]

I haven´t seen these guys
crying so much

since they raised
the minimum wage.

[ Laughter ]

All right. Thank you.
Don´t forget to tip the welders.

What´s all this?

Hey, where you been?

At the mall.

My parents wanted to take
Carmen and Max shopping.

[ Chokes ]

Oh, my god.
What is in this?

Rum, Brandy,
and enough vodka

to make you drop your panties
for a candy cane.

h*, h*, h*.

George...my parents bought
a lot of stuff --

some stuff that we
were thinking about getting.

Like what?

They bought max´s
big present.

They bought him
the bmx bike!

No! Angie!

I stepped away
for two seconds

to stop my mom from
buying Carmen a fur...

And when I got back,

my dad had already bought
Max the bike.

He should have
asked us first!

I bet he did this
to make me look bad.

What´s he gonna buy Max next,
a car, a yacht, a monkey?

You know he wants
his own monkey!

George, you know my dad.

He´s always gotta be
the big spender.

And then the kids think
whatever we do

isn´t as good as what
grandpa does.

So what are we gonna get
Max now?

We´re not getting him
the monkey.

We´ll just, you know,
get the next thing on his list.

What´s that?

A wolf.
Oh.

I think somebody´s gonna be
under my mistletoe!

Incoming!

Oh!

[ Chuckles ]

George, can we see you in the
office for a couple minutes?

Oh, i´m getting flashbacks
from my birthday spanking.

George, you´ve done such
a great job

running the plant
for us this year...

...and this is just
our way of saying, "thank you."

Ta-da! Ta-da!

A Turkey
for a bonus?

[ Laughing ]

Check the cavity!

You know,
the kiss was enough.

The Turkey,
wisenheimer.

There might be just a little
something-something.

[ Both gobbling ]

How much is this?

It´s a thousand bucks,
George!

Damn! A thousand bucks!
Wow! Thanks, guys!

George, you just work
so darn hard.

We hope you go
and blow it on something fun.

[ Chuckles ]

I will.

I´m gonna rub my father-in-law´s
nose in this money

like a dog who pooped
on my carpet!

Uh, that sounds great.

Merry Christmas.

George, what is all this
holiday crap?

I´m tired of Vic making me feel
like a charity case,

so i´m gonna prove to him

[ laughing ]

[ Gasps ]

Oh, my god!
George!

Merry Christmas!

That tree big enough
for you, Vic?

George, I have to say
that´s a hell of a tree.

But doesn´t this angel
belong on the top?

Vic, you Cuban Casanova.

Emelina, that´s a nice possum
you got there.

I like your coat, too.

Did it come
with a shopping cart?

You know what...

Girls! Girls! Girls!

You´re both pretty.

Now, if everyone will
follow me in the backyard,

I have a surprise
that´ll fill your hearts

with Christmas joy!

Count me out.

I don´t wanna be there

when emelina´s coat
wakes up.

Ladies and gentlemen,

come with me as George Lopez
presents --

[ knock on door ]

Hold on, George.

I´ve got a delivery
for a "Vic palmero"?

Hey! It´s finally here!

He got him the monkey!
Got him the damn monkey!

It´s not a monkey.

Dad, is this what
I think it is?

Ha ha. Ladies and gentlemen,

Victor palmero presents --
the Cuban Christmas pig!

George! They got us a pig!

Oh, I haven´t had
lechón in years!

I´m gonna build the box,

and we´re gonna smoke it
in the backyard...

Just like when Angie and her
sister were little.

That´s great.
We´re having ham.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Prepare yourselves,
as George Lopez presents --

Welcome to my
winter wonderland.

And, of course,

overseeing all
of Christmas

is Santa paws!

[ Gags ]

[ Muffled ]
This isn´t real snow!

It´s plastic!

Carmen, take your brother inside
and rinse his mouth out.

Snow?

It´s 70 degrees, doof.

So, pretty impressive,
huh, Vic?

This is Christmas!

Look, I wouldn´t have said this
in front of the kids,

but is this the way a man
on a tight budget

should be spending his money?

Who are you trying
to impress?

I´m trying to give the kids
a good Christmas, Vic.

I´m spoiling the kids.
I´m their grandfather.

But look at this junk!

Pbht.

Whose Christmas
is this?

Here we go.

Giant candy canes
and the dancing santas

and plastic snow?

This is a
department-store Christmas.

There´s no culture.
There´s no tradition.

There´s no...

Mojo!

That´s why it´s so great
that you guys are here.

Five more days, George.

It´s winter --
shortest days of the year.

I mean, I can teach them
everything I know about Cuba,

but who´s going to teach them
about their Mexican heritage

if their own father won´t?

Hey, hey.

I got their
Mexican heritage covered.

I´m down
with la raza.

I have something very special
planned for all of us

for Christmas Eve.

Well, I can´t wait.

Let´s go cut
the pig open.

George, how much did
all of this cost?

My Christmas bonus.

You spent all $500
on this?

Yeah.

Honey, you can´t let
my dad bait you like this.

He´s never gonna
let you win!

He always has to be
the big dog.

Not in my house.
I´m the big dog here.

I´m gonna show Vic I can handle
anything he throws at me.

He wants culture?!
I´ll show him culture!

By tomorrow?

Angie, please!

I got this!

Mom, i´m in a bind.

I got two hours to get
some Mexican traditions

to shut angie´s parents up.

Is there any way you can make
some Christmas tamales

like ernie´s mom
used to?

I would,

but I gotta hang my jalapeño
lights on my Christmas cactus.

How come we don´t have any
Mexican Christmas traditions?

Hey, come on.
We had some nice christmases.

Yeah? What about that time
you made me put out

milk and cookies for Santa,

and then when I got up
in the morning

they weren´t even touched.

So? He didn´t come.

You know, sounds like your beef
is with Santa.

Look, I know this is crazy,
but i´m desperate.

Marisol, does your family

have any special
Mexican Christmas traditions?

Traditions?

You´re an old Mexican.
You tell me.

You know, you could be a little
nicer around the holidays.

I know, huh?

My brother´s gonna be
in a Christmas play.

Why don´t you take
your family to this?

"The Cesar Chavez teatro
de la comunidad,

"in association with
tenochtitlan productions

"presents ´a chicano
Christmas Carol,´

starring moctezuma cuatemoc."

Doesn´t get any more Mexican
than this.

This play is
the real deal.

Feels right being here.

This is great.

You better let some air
out of that head

before the play starts.

I know, huh?

Season´s greetings,
bienvenidos,

welcome to our
Christmas Carol.

It´s Christmas Eve
in the barrio.

Wait, here comes
Roberto cratchett

and tiny timoteo now.

Merry Christmas.
Feliz navidad.

Hey, that´s my brother!

You go, beto!

Papí, can you get off work
for Christmas tomorrow?

Oh, I don´t know, míjo.

I have to ask my boss,
señor scrooge.

Here he comes now.

Feliz navidad,
señor scrooge.

Bah, humbug!

Say that again and i´ll pop
a cap in your a*s!

Keeping it real.

I made a lot of coin
for you today, jefe.

And being that it´s Christmas
tomorrow,

I was hoping I could spend it
with mi familia.

Are you out of your mind,
homs?

I´m a businessman.

You think people
stop getting high

just because
it´s Christmas?

George!

Keeping it, uh,
you know, real.

Just give me the money
you made today,

and get back out
on the street.

[ Tires screech ]

Get down!
It´s a drive-by!

Help, please!

Tiny timoteo´s
been shot!

They shot tiny timoteo
in the first two minutes.

Where do they go from here?

Oh, no!
They´re backing up!

[ Tires screech ]

You know what?

I like that theater.

I can´t wait to see what they do
with "the nutcracker."

I can´t believe they shot
Santa claus

for wearing the wrong colors.

Nice play for your children,
George.

I´m sure if we stayed

there would have been
a very uplifting message,

but I think leaving
after the pit-bull mauling

was a good call.

We´re just gonna move on

and have the best
Christmas ever.

George, why don´t you help
my dad with the pig?

So, some tradition
you got here, George.

What are we gonna do
on Christmas day --

open our presents
in a whorehouse?

Wait. That´s it.
Put it down.

I only took everybody to that
play to impress you.

You´ve been on my back
since you got here.

Oh, so now the play´s
my fault.

Yeah. I´m happy
with our Christmas.

You know what our
Mexican-American tradition is?

We open presents and spend time
together as a family,

but that´s not good enough
for you!

George!

No!
I can´t win with him!

No matter what I do,
in his eyes,

i´ll never be good enough
for you.

Are you done?

I think the pig´s
getting cold.

No, i´m not done.

It´s time you stopped treating
me like the 19-year-old

who siphoned gas
out of your car.

What´s it gonna take
for you to admit

I didn´t ruin
your daughter´s life?

Angie, help your father
with the pig.

He´s right, dad.

What? You too?

I know you wanted me to marry
a professional --

and a Cuban --
but I gambled on George.

Gambled?

For 16 years,
he´s made me happy.

He´s taken good care
of me and the kids.

Gambled on me?
I gambled on you.

Do you realize you´ve never once
said a nice thing about George?

Maybe I can lift this
myself.

Dad.

Say something nice to him...
Or you´re gonna have to leave.

Or you can tell me
on the way to the airport.

Every time you visit,

I get this huge knot
in my stomach,

and I am not gonna play
peacemaker anymore.

If you´re not gonna say
something nice to him,

get your bags
and go.

I thought you were going to
screw up, but you didn´t.

Congratulations.

Now help me
with the pig.

Thank you.

God bless us, everyone.

You think it´s so easy?

Angie´s my little girl

and she´ll always be
my little girl.

And you´ll always be the guy
who took her away from me.

Wait till Carmen shows up

with some long-haired loser
in a black sabbath t-shirt.

I hope, for your sake,
he turns out as good as you did.

Thanks, Vic.

Okay, you can stay.

George, shake hands...

And get that pig in there
before your mom eats my mom.

We´re not done here.

What now?

I want you to say something nice
about black sabbath.

[ Sighs ]

I´d rather listen
to black sabbath

than have
a myocardial infarction.

And that was a free one.

Carmen, can you get me
some milk?

No. I am not going
anywhere near that fridge.

I don´t wanna see
that pig again.

The pig´s long gone.

See?

I´ll get the milk.
Can you get me some cereal?

[ Gasps ]

Oh, my god!

Dad, how could you
do that to me?

´Cause I thought it´d be funny,
like it is.

Let´s just throw it out, okay?
Get me a trash bag.

[ Gasps ]
Oh, my god!

[ Screams ]