02x14 - The Valentine's Day m*ssacre

[bunniefuu]

Hey, ange, great
valentine´s day mixer.

Well, I didn´t want anybody
to be alone today,

so I thought, "why not invite

all the single people
from the factory over?"

Yeah. Oh, by the way,

you forgot to put out
the guacamole and the women.

Oh, no, Angie!

We left the bag of women
on top of the car

when we left the store!

They´re probably all over
the freeway by now.

Ooh, here come the girls.

Let´s get
this party started!

There´s nothing here.

Well, great party.
Thanks for coming by, guys.

We can still have a valentine´s
party without women.

I know three ways to make you
forget about being single --

boggle, pictionary,
and trivial pursuit.

Guys, run!

Go wherever you have to go
to see a woman tonight --

a bar, a strip club,
a mommy and me class --

just get out!

Honey, the guys left.

No.

Look, I know the party´s
a bust, but...

That means we can start
our valentine´s day earlier.

Oh.

Oh. Um...

I-I´ll clean up,

´cause I ain´t going home.
No way.

It´s the one time a year
my parents get romantic.

It takes all day and ends
with my dad drunk and crying

and my mom
playing the accordion.

Take five, homeboy.

We´re doing
our valentine´s gifts.

Oh, wait.
I´ll get mine.

Happy valentine´s day.

Happy valentine´s day, baby.

Oh, Angie, this is amazing!

How did you know
I wanted a humidor?

See? I had it engraved.

"To my heart, my soul,
my ending...

[ Voice breaking ]
My beginning."

That´s beautiful.

I hope you like
what I got you.

Oh...

A hat.

It´s for when you garden.

See? It´s got
a solar-powered fan on it.

Yes, it does.

Try it on.

Okay.

How do I look?

Mom...will you be
my Valentine?

Oh, honey.

Suck-up.

Max...

These earrings
are beautiful.

Oh, my god.

You got the ones
with my birthstones?

Uh-huh -- garnets.

What is with the hat?

What is with that sweater?

Your father got me a gardening
hat for valentine´s day.

Oh, I get it.

The real present
is buried in the garden.

I bet it´s those earrings
you kept hinting about.

Some people get hints...

Some people don´t.

So, that´s it -- a hat?

Why don´t you just punch her
in the face?

´Cause I might be getting that
for someone special

on her 16th birthday.

George.

Kids, your father
works really hard.

He doesn´t have
a lot of time to shop.

But he is the most
romantic man that I know.

George, I think
they´re old enough now.

Come on, Angie.
This is between us.

Is it dirty?

I wanna see it.

It´s not dirty.

But, uh...

I think you kids
can handle it. Okay.

It was the end
of our first date.

I asked your father
to the Sadie Hawkins dance,

and it was really late,

and I was ready to go home,

but he...Said that he wanted
to show me something special.

What could be more special
than this giant corsage?

In fact, if you take me home
right now, i´ll plant it,

and the tree will always
remind me of our one date.

Behold...

My monument
to a full-on fox!

Who´s that?

That´s you.
I painted it for you.

Oh, my god.

It is me.

You captured my body
perfectly.

You painted this?

Yeah.

For me?

See?

G. Lopez.

George, it´s beautiful.

Still not as beautiful
as you are.

Come on.

I´ll take you home.

Wait.

There´s no hurry.

And that was the moment
I fell in love with your father.

It is the most
romantic gesture ever.

How could I even look
at another man after that?

Beat that, little Romeo.

So, how did she like
her hat?

She wasn´t crazy about it.

Every year I try
to get her the right thing,

but i´m just not good
at this gift stuff.

So, are you
in the doghouse now?

Oh, dude, please.
I still got the mural.

Hey, I wonder if the guy
who really painted it

has gotten as much mileage
out of it as you have.

Shh!

Come on, man,
what´s wrong with you?

So, where are we going
to dinner tonight?

Where do you want to go?

It´s valentine´s day.

You didn´t make
a reservation?

No.

But I made the mural.

Yes, you did.

[ Intro to w*r´s "low rider"
plays ]

♫ all my friends
know the low rider ♫

Pretty impressive, huh?

Let´s go out and see it.

Yeah, let´s get out and stare
at the top of your mom´s butt.

What´s going on
with all this construction?

It´s probably
like stonehenge.

You want to keep it open,

but sooner or later,
you have to protect it.

I´ll see what´s going on.

That doesn´t look like mom.

Well, Max,
it´s my interpretation.

You see, when a man
really cares about a woman --

he thinks her breasts
are enormous.

You can´t be serious!

You can´t tear
this building down!

That´s my mural!

What are you talking about?

That´s me.

Yeah, right.

Listen, my husband
is the artist.

When you tear down the wall,

can you at least save me
the part where he signed it?

I´ll try, but this is stucco.
It crumbles.

I may not get the whole
signature "chato Perez."

Who´s chato Perez?

The guy who painted this.

His signature´s over there
in the leaf.

No, no.
The artist is g. Lopez.

It´s right there
in the corner.

Nah. A tagger did that.

That´s graffiti.
It´s spray paint.

[ Horn honks ]

I can see why
you´d buy it, though.

He looks like he´s got
the soul of an artist.

You upset they´re tearing down
the mural, aren´t you?

Mm-hmm.

But, look, they´re tearing
it down, so what can we do?

I don´t know.
You could repaint it.

On another building,

and then in another 18 years
they can tear it down?

I don´t think I could go
through this again.

I know.

You can sketch it for me
on a piece of paper.

Now?

Yeah, right now.

Right now right now?

Mm-hmm.

Ange, it´s not gonna be right
on a little piece of paper.

I need a whole building
to show you how I feel.

Kids, why don´t you go
on up to bed?

Sending the kids
up to bed early.

I guess seeing the mural
put us both in the same mood.

Shee-ow!

Honey...

Yeah?

I want you to go upstairs,

get into bed...

Mm-hmm? Yeah?

Then close your eyes...

Yeah?

And swallow a handful
of sleeping pills.

Wow! Then what
are you gonna do?

Have sex with chato Perez,

the man
who painted my mural!

What are you talking about?

I know!

The construction worker
told me.

Oh, Angie, please,
I can explain!

I´m listening.

Not now. I need some time.

You didn´t paint that mural,
did you?

[ Sighs ]

Not all of it.

Well, what part
did you paint?

The butt crack.

Your butt had no crack
before I came along.

God!

It was just one big cheek!

Come on.
That´s not right.

No, what´s not right is that my
husband has been lying to me

for the last 18 years.

Look, I couldn´t believe
a girl like you

would go out with me
in the first place.

You were so out of my league.

I was afraid if I didn´t come up
with something big,

i´d never see you again.

I´m not good
with this romance stuff.

My mom told me
being romantic

was sticking around
for the birth.

You lied to me.

You know how I feel
about lying.

Come on, Angie.
I was desperate.

Then I saw the mural,
and it kind of looked like you.

This means the moment I fell
in love with you was a lie!

Angie, baby,
i´m okay with that.

God!

Hey, is mom up yet?

I think she´s in the shower.

Or maybe
she´s just crying so much

it sounds like the shower.

What are you doing?

I don´t want you taking credit
for any of these.

Sit down, my love.

I wanted to make you
breakfast in bed,

but you accidentally
locked the door

and put the dresser
in front of it.

Look --
heart-shaped pancakes,

heart-shaped ham steak,

heart-shaped omelet.

Hey, you´re breaking
all my hearts.

Hey, ange.
Hey, George.

Now´s not a good time,
dude.

Oh, I guess somebody´s still
celebrating valentine´s day.

Man, somebody was feeling
romantic last night.

That painting on the garage
is pretty good.

What painting?

That painting of you.

George, what did you do?

Ernie, what did I do?
Trust me. Come on.

Yeah, I gotta say, George,
you did a good job on this.

You painted this?

He sure did.
Do you like it?

It´s not great.

But since you painted it,

it means something to me.

Baby, I just want you
to forgive me.

Marisol,
what are you doing here?

I gotta talk to Ernie.

There was a problem
with that thing you gave me.

I counted it in the car,
and it was 50 things short.

Marisol, is that paint
on your hands?

I don´t know.

Is that paint on my hands,

or am I getting my 50 things?

George, you didn´t paint this.
Marisol did,

and Ernie paid her for it.

Not yet.

Ernie just sprang it on me.

I didn´t know about it
till I walked out and saw it.

Then why did you say
it was yours?

I just went with it!

You lied to me again!

Angie, this is my fault.

George called me last night,
and he felt terrible.

No, it´s mine.

I should have just told you
I didn´t do it.

But I panicked.

Angie, I can´t stand
you being mad at me.

I´m not mad anymore.
I´m more disappointed.

In all our time together,
I never lied to you -- never!

I´m sorry, George.

I didn´t know Marisol
was coming back.

I tried to paint it myself,
but halfway through

it started looking
like a monkey with boobs.

I know one monkey with boobs
that owes me some money.

Well, get it from Mariah Carey,
´cause that´s who you painted!

What am I gonna do, man?

Now angie´s gonna think
everything I tell her is a lie.
She´ll get over it.

She´s never gonna trust me --
never.

I wouldn´t say, "never,"

and she shouldn´t say
"never" either.

What are you talking about?

Well, I didn´t want
to tell you this,

´cause I really love Angie,

but...she lied to you, man.

She told you a big lie.

One of the kids isn´t mine?

Is it Carmen?

No. No. Remember
the Sadie Hawkins dance --

your first date with Angie?

There was a reason
we were both asked out.

George!

[ Laughs ]
I got a "d" in chemistry!

[ Laughs ]
What´d you get?

Dude, who cares
what I get in chemistry?

When we learn
how to play instruments

and write music and sing

and our band sabotage
takes off,

we´re outta here.

Shee-ow! Shee-ow!

[ Laughs ]

George, George,
we´re being watched.

We´re being checked out.

Hey, hey, they´re coming over.
What do we do?

Be cool. Take your hand
out of my belt loop.

Hey, there. Um...
This is Carla, and i´m Angie.

I know.
I see you at the games cheering.

I love your work.

So, are you guys going
to the Sadie Hawkins dance?

Dances suck.

Then, um, you wouldn´t want
to go with us?

Did I say, "suck"?
I meant "rock"!

Well, okay, then.
It´s a date.

So, do I get to be with you?

Hey, hey,
let the ladies decide.

I´ll take this one,
you take that one.

[ Laughs ]

I´m that one.

Okay, then.

We´ll meet you outside
the dance at 7:30.

Oh, my god,
they´re so pathetic!

I don´t know if I can go
through with this.

Everybody´s gonna see me
with him.

You want to be
the only cheerleaders

who don´t show up
with losers?

No.

With these two,
we´ve got a chance to win.

Totally!

[ Both laugh ]

How´d you find all this out?

Carla told me.
She felt guilty.

She said I was probably
a human being

and deserved
to be treated like one.

So, how come
you never told me?

Well, I didn´t want
to hurt your feelings.

Besides, you and Angie
fell in love.

It worked out great.

You know what this means?

I undermined the very foundation
of your relationship.

No! She lied first!

What you doin´?

I´m in a chat room
complaining about men.

Lesbiantownhall.com.

Is anybody defending me?

Yes. The 13-year-old boy
pretending to be a l*sbian

thinks you´re cool.

Everybody else
suggests counseling.

You know what?
That´s a good idea.

Really?
Yeah.

I mean, when your relationship
starts out with a lie,

it makes you question
everything afterwards.

It sure does.

The person
who lied first --

oh, man, how can they ever
come back from that?

I don´t know, George.

Hey, why don´t you see
if you can find a counselor

who specializes
in nasty cheerleaders

who make bets about going
to dances with losers?!

What?

I know!!

Carla told Ernie
and Ernie told me

and doing this hurts my voice,
but I know!

Oh, George, it was 18 years ago,
and I was a teenager --

a stupid cheerleader.

I didn´t know
what I was doing.

So I was just
a big joke to you?
No.

Are you denying
I was a loser?

No.

Well, I wouldn´t be
so high and mighty.

You lied to me, too -- twice.

My lie
was because I wanted you.

Your lie was to cover up
your evilness.

Evilness?
If I hadn´t done that,

we would have never got together
in the first place.

If I hadn´t done what I did,
we wouldn´t have either.

So our love is built on lies.

Yes, it is!

Our love is built
on wonderful, beautiful lies.

I´m proud of those lies.

Those lies have led
to a great marriage,

two beautiful kids,
and this k*ller crib!

Come on, Angie.

I tell you one thing

I never lied about --

I love you.

And I love you, too.

Let me tell you something,
mister.

Now that you´ve lost
your mural,

you are so on the hook
for valentine´s day,

my birthday, mother´s day,

and our anniversary.

You got it, baby.

Just tell me
when those things are.