02x16 - George vs. George

[bunniefuu]

Max!

Ugh!
I´ll go throw it out.

Hey, are you crazy?
It´s still good.

Mom!

How do you like
your steak?

You never asked me that before.
What´s wrong with it?

The dog licked it.

I fed you worse.
Medium rare.

I got the letters
from the private schools.

Keep your fingers crossed.

What if they´re
all rejections?

We´ll figure
something out.

You are not going back to
where the kids harass you.

Here goes.

Owens prep --
my first choice.

"We´re sorry
to inform you --"

sorry, honey.

Wait.

"That you´ve been
summarily rejected --"

honey.
Hold on.

Nope.
It´s not getting any better.

Open the next one.

Hilltop. Okay.

This one´s really
my first choice.

Nope.

There´s still another one,
honey.

It´s allendale.

They´re all
stuck-up snobs.

I got in!

[ Laughing ]
Oh, honey.

This is the only one
I really wanted!

I got to call Toby and tell her
i´m going to the coolest,

most exclusive school
in Los Angeles.

How much, Angie?

These were the only
three schools

that would even
consider her.

How much is it?

You know she can´t go
back to the school

where the girls
are calling her a wh*re.

Under 5 grand,
she goes to allendale.

Over 5 grand,
we buy her heels, a skirt,

and embrace this whole
wh*re thing.

$14,000!

I know.

For $100, I can buy her
a fake I.D.,

and she can start
serving c*ck.

Come on.

We all know
she´s headed there anyway.

Both of you, stop it.

Whatever we have to do
to get Carmen a good education,

we are going to do.

We´re probably
gonna have to get

a second mortgage
on the house.

No way.

You never risk the house --
ever.

Unless one of the kids
is sick.

And i´m talking
new-liver sick.

Well, then you´re gonna
have to get a regular loan,

and miss america here
is gonna have to get a job

and help make the payments.

No more sitting around eating
croissants with the ladies.

Everything else looks good.

It´ll just take a minute
to run your credit report.

You won´t have
any problems.

We pay all our credit cards
on time.

And we only pay
the minimum,

so you people make
a fortune on us.

Well, this isn´t about us
making money, Angie.

This is about us building
a lifelong relationship.

We´re not just your bank.
We´re your friends.

Well, Brenda, it´s nice to have
a friend like you,

´cause my other friends don´t
have 14 grand to lend me.

Okay.

Well, here we are.

Okay. This is fine.

Ohh.

What is it?

Well, in the last month, you´ve
defaulted on 3 credit cards

and you just had
a car repossessed.

That has to be a mistake.
That can´t be us.

Actually, it´s just the accounts
in your husband´s name.

Wait a second.
These aren´t my accounts.

Well, is that
your date of birth

and your social security
number?

Yeah.

George, maybe somebody´s stolen
your identity.

Come on.
Who´d want to be me?

Well, if this really is
a case of identity theft,

you´re going to have to take it
up with the credit bureau.

We can´t help you.

We´re not friends anymore,
are we, Brenda?

[ Intro to w*r´s "low rider"
plays ]

♫ all my friends
know the low rider ♫

Listen, I told the man
who connected me

to the woman
who connected me to you

that these charges
are not mine!

I´m not that George Lopez.

I´m this George Lopez.

No.
Don´t put me on hold.

Don´t put me on hold!
Don´t --

♫ who can it be now? ♫

♫ who can it be now? ♫

How´s it going?

None of these people
believe me.

This is gonna take forever.

♫ who can it be knocking
at my door? ♫

It can´t take forever.

We need that money
for allendale.

You know it´s 14 grand a year
till Carmen graduates.

We could be talking...


Hello.
This is George Lopez.

No, man.
Don´t send me another form.

What?

That´s not
my business address.

That must be
the other George --

oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

I´m sorry.
That´s my address.

Just say it again.

I want to make sure
you got it right.



Thanks a lot.

I got him, Angie.
I got him.

Okay, George.
Take it easy.

There´s a thief over
at 2679 Van nuys,

and i´m gonna kick
his butt.

George, your --
your dyslexia.

It´s 2796.

Don´t try to stop me!

I´m going to 2976 and kicking
whoever´s butt´s there.

It´s 2796.

I don´t care!

I´m going to the 2000 block
and kicking everyone´s butt.

Angie!



Is there
a George Lopez here?

You got him, man.

So you´re George Lopez?

If we´re playing


it should be


How´s that working out
for you, man?

You having fun being
George Edward Lopez?

I didn´t say my middle name.

No, you didn´t, did you?

Look, buddy, I got a button
right here behind the counter.

Hey, press it.
I want the cops to come.

Because i´m the real
George Lopez.

What are you talking
about?

You went on the Internet,
got my information,

and stole my identity.

What the hell is
your real name?

It´s George Lopez.

Anybody could get
a fake license.

Quick -- what´s your
social security number?

I´m not giving out
my social security number.

Why not?

Somebody might steal
my identity.

All right.
I´ll tell you mine.

We´ll say it
at the same time.

Ready?

Go.

Both:


Oh, no.
You´re good.

Look, I don´t know how
this mix-up happened.

I got some credit problems,
but i´m not a thief, man.

Okay, here´s what
you´re gonna do.

Be at my work tomorrow
at 9:00 A.M.

I want to see
your birth certificate

or i´m calling the cops.

And if the cops don´t find you,
I will,

and i´ll kick your a*s.

George, I wonder if there´s
another Ernie cardenas out there

trying to steal
my identity.

Hey, I wonder if he has
a better life than me.

I think he´s probably
k*lled himself by now.

Look.
There he is.

I can´t believe the dude
showed up.

You got your
birth certificate?

Yeah. You got yours?

In here.

All right.

Here´s mine.

Here´s mine.

These are exactly
the same.

No, man. Mine´s an original.
Yours is a copy.

Mom!

We got to talk.

Oh.
This is the guy, huh?

What is this?

That is a copy,
George,

of your...
Birth...Certificate.

Why is it a copy?

Because when your dad left us,
he stole the original.

So is this the original?

Oh, my god.
Yeah, that´s it.

That´s where I spilled
the Tequila.

Hey.

The second the doctor told me
I could drink again, I drank.

Well, maybe you should
stop drinking

because that´s
my birth certificate.

George, this is yours.

You know what? I bet your dad
sold it to this guy´s dad.

My dad didn´t buy anyone else´s
birth certificate.

So I suppose your dad´s name is
Manny Lopez, too.

Yeah, it is.

This Manny Lopez?

Dude, how´d you get a picture
of my dad?

Dude, this is my dad.

No. That´s my dad.

Oh, man.

Do you know
what this means?

That your father never learned
how to use a damn condom.

He had another son, mom.

We´re half brothers.

I got a half brother?

Wow.

Hey, why don´t you find
three more

and maybe you can be
on "family feud"?

I´m not related to her,
right?

Already i´m jealous
of you.

My mom told me
my dad was dead.

Then I found out he was alive
from aunt Cecilia,

and i´ve been looking for him
everywhere, man --

on the Internet, I ran ads
in a bunch of newspapers.

Angie even called every
Manny Lopez in California,

but he´s impossible
to find.

Oh, he´s in Phoenix.
He´s in the book.

And so ends
a 35-year journey.

Who wants pudding?

If george´s father needed
a birth certificate

to make you legal,

then that means
he wasn´t a citizen.

That can´t be right.
He´d have to be a citizen.

He was married to my mom.

Well...

You weren´t married?!

I tried to tell you
when you were 2.

I tried again when you were 3,
but --

have you ever told me
one thing that was true?

Are you my mother?

Are you even a woman?

´Cause there´s been talk,

and i´m getting tired
of defending you.

We got married.

I just wanted to wait
till I was pregnant enough

to fit into my mom´s
wedding dress.

You know,
this is an amazing story.

Oh, yes.
It´s like a fairy tale.

A guy knocks up a 17-year-old
girl, dumps her,

then goes to Mexico,
knocks up another girl.

And in the woods, there´s
some animals that sing.

All right, man. You got
to tell me about our dad.

I know enough about your dad.
Let´s talk about your mother.

Exactly how big
of a puta was she?

What?

Oh, my god!
Stop it.

No. No, no, no, no.
It´s okay.

Now I know why dad
named our dog Benny.

You know wha--

mom!

What can I get you,
George?

George,
whatever you´re having.

Hey, georges, over here.

Hey, Ernie,
what are you doing here?

Just another night
in my 20-year campaign

to go home with a bartender.

Hey. You want to go home
with me?

Sure. Meet me in the middle
of the freeway

at 2:00 in the morning.

[ Chuckles ]

I´m not falling for that one
again.

A couple beers here,
Kate.

Man, you know, growing up
I always wanted a brother.

My mom was always working,
so I was always alone.

You had me.

Yeah,
but you had asthma.

It´s no fun playing
hide-and-seek

when the hamper´s wheezing.

"George, how did you --"
[ Wheezing ]

"Find me?"
[ Wheezing ]

[ Imitating inhaler ]

Shout! Shout!

You got great hair, man.

Right back at you.

Why don´t you marry him?

At least we got one good thing
from our dad, huh?

What do you mean?

I didn´t want to say anything
in front of your kids,

but, uh, dad wasn´t exactly
a good guy.

Compared to what?

I was raised
by Joan Crawford.

I´m telling you, man.

You got the better end
of the deal.

Did I?

How do you think it feels
to find out

your dad just didn´t
leave you?

He left for another family
he wanted to be with more.

Hey, he didn´t care
about us either, man.

He was always wasted.

He couldn´t keep a job,
so we had to keep moving.

We lived in a car
a couple of times.

I had to drop out of high school
just to support us.

So, you know,
forget about college.

Man, it has taken me
half my life

to undo all the crap
that he did to me.

I didn´t realize.

I guess I wanted to believe
he was a good guy.

Yeah, well...

I´m still trying
to hold down a job.

I´m not even sure i´m gonna
make the rent this month.

How short are you gonna be?

About 500 bucks.

Hey, but, you know,
don´t worry about it, man.

I´ll work it out.

Hey,
have you tried the lottery?

You gotta be in it
to win it.

I´ll tell you what.

I´ll talk to Angie.

Things are kind of tight,
but we´ll see what we can do.

I appreciate it, bro.

Hey, listen, i´ll get us
a couple of shots of Tequila,

and who knows -- maybe i´ll melt
the ice Princess over there.

Ha.
He doesn´t have a chance.

It took him 10 seconds
to make her laugh.

Why can´t I do that?

Ernie,
a peacock has its feathers,

a buck has its antlers,

and then...
There are the lopezes.

I wish I had antlers.

You know, Angie,

it´s kind of nice having
a brother around.

Some family.

Somebody to take Max

to those 8:00 A.M. soccer games
on Saturday.

I scraped together the $500
for your brother,

but I think he´s gonna need
a lot more help than that.

What are you talking about?

Well, I was clearing up
our problem at the bank,

and it´s gonna take awhile,

but we´re gonna get the loan
for carmen´s school.

Hooray...
We´re in debt.

But while I was straightening up
whose account was whose,

an old student loan caught up
with your brother.

He owes Arizona state
a lot of money.

No.
He didn´t go to college.

I know it´s kind of
a party school,

but a.S.U. Is still
a college.

No, ange.

He told me last night
he didn´t finish high school.

But, George...

It was a 4-year loan.

Why would he lie about
something like that?

I wonder what else
he´s lying about.

So, Max, in 1999,
Tony hawk did his first --

Max,
your mom wants you.

Sure.

Want to give it a try?

Put the board down.

What´s up?

Are you my half brother?

Do you even know
who my dad is?

Where´d you get
the birth certificate?

What are you talking about?

You went to college, fool.

Your student loan caught up
with you.

I can´t believe a word you say.
Who the hell are you?

I´m your half brother,
okay?

I didn´t tell you
about college,

´cause I didn´t think
i´d get sympathy.

I didn´t think
you´d help me out.

And what else
did you lie about?

We weren´t poor.

What?

We didn´t really live
in a monte Carlo,

we kind of summered
in monte Carlo.

Our dad´s rich, man.

Damn.

But if you´re rich,
why do you need $500 from me?

No, no. Dad´s rich.

He built this huge
construction company.

You know, I screwed up,
and he cut me off, man.

I ran out of my trust-fund money
last year.

You´re a spoiled rich kid?

And our dad´s not such
a horrible guy.

He gave me
a lot of chances.

He´s actually
a pretty good dad.

To you.

He´s done nothing for me...

Nothing for my mom.

We struggled
our whole lives.

I can´t afford to send my
daughter to a good school,

and you were gonna take
$500 from me

because you blew through
a trust fund?

Man, get out of here.

I´ll tell Max
you had to leave.

You hungry?

I could eat.

You want to barbecue?

This is the last time
we´re having meat

until Carmen graduates.

It´s gonna be okay.

I found a coupon
in the paper --

$14,000 off baloney
and private school.

[ Telephone rings ]

I´ll get it.

Hello.

Yes, it is.
Can I ask who´s calling?

Okay.

Uh, hold on.

It´s your dad.

The other George gave him
our number.

George...

Your ice cream´s ready.