04x07 - The Simple Life

[bunniefuu]

Hey, honey.
Did you get the rum for daddy...

To put on the shrimp?
There it is.

Why do you cook everything
with so much alcohol?

This isn't Cuba!

We're not trying to disinfect
some sick chicken

that got hit in the street
by a 40-year-old truck.

Yeah, you Americans take
your chickens for granted

with your tender
finger nuggets.

In Cuba, I had to hunt
my own birds.

Let me tell you, my friend,

nothing tasted as sweet as a
chicken you've beaten to death

with an empty gasoline can.

Chicken probably never
saw it coming.

Probably just thought
you were stranded.

Hey, mister,
did you run out of --

Let me talk to you
for a second.

You know how
we're always talking

about trying to find a better
place to raise the kids?

One of my suppliers told me

there's a factory looking
for a manager.

So I checked it out on-line.
Look at that.

George,
this is in Colorado.

I know, Angie.

And check out the name --
paradise canyon.

We talked about moving
to a safer suburb,

not some tiny little town
in the middle of nowhere.

We can't escape the problems
of a big city

by just moving
a couple miles out.

Angie, look.

This is in the rocky mountains,
huh?

There's pine forest,
running streams.

I think we'd get the water
before they made beer out of it!

My shrimp are burning!
Where's your fire extinguisher?

I used it up teaching
the Chang's dog

not to poop on our lawn.

Daddy, what happened?

The recipe said,
"add rum to taste."

I like rum.

I want the truth,
and I want it now.

All right,
you're not shrinking.

Ernie and I have been
lengthening your work coat --

Not that.

No...

We know you're moving
to Colorado.

Who told you that?

You left your rã©sumã©
and the cover letter

in the fax machine at work,
genius.

George, you already submitted
a rã©sumã©?

I don't want the job
to get away, Angie.

I think we should
check it out.

What?!

I move all the way from Miami
to be close to you,

and now you're gonna leave?

How can you do this to me,
Princess?

Daddy, nothing's definite.

We just think there's too many
bad influences here.

Max and his friends
beat up a boy.

He's practically in a g*ng.

And Carmen's gone through three
high schools in three years,

and she danced half naked
in a rap video.

Does anybody hear,

"went to Harvard"
at the end of that story?

How could you just leave me?
I'm your best friend.

We always talked
about getting married

and living on the same block
and raising our kids together.

Look, Carmen is 15,
and Max is 11, all right?

And you've had zero hits
on maxidate.Com.

I've got to go.

Stop!

I just need a new picture.

I'm having my ears
digitally reduced.

Hey.

So, how do your children feel

about leaving
their grandpappy Vic?

Leaving?
Who's leaving?

Are we going somewhere?

George?

Kids, how'd you like to do

something special
this Thanksgiving?

Oh, no!

We're not gonna feed dirty
people again, are we?

Even better!
We're going on vacation!

We're finally going to
Hawaii?!

We're going to
paradise canyon!

Please tell me I can wear
a cute bikini there.

You can wear whatever you want

under your long Johns
and your parka.

It's in Colorado.

There'll be snow and lots
of fun things to do there.

Why don't you kids go upstairs

and see if you have
enough warm clothes, huh?

I can't believe you.

"Vacation."
you just lied to your kids.

I don't want to upset them.

We're just gonna go
check it out.

We're not sure we're moving.

Oh, yeah.

So when you lie,
you're protecting your kids.

But when I tell a little
white lie, I'm a bad mom.

Little white lie?
You said that my dad was dead.

You never told me
I had a sister.

You said the rat
in my room

was a south American gerbil --
seã±or chewy.

Seã±or chewy loved you.

He would sit on your chest
while you were sleeping,

and he wouldn't let anybody
get near you.

He was protecting his k*ll.
He thought I was dead!

Ohh! Ohh!

Ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha!

You two, knock it off!

Come on!

Max has never been
in the snow before.

I just wanted to show him
how much fun it is.

All right, look.
I'm sorry, baby.

Aaaah!

Ughh! Hey!

Not funny!

Ohhhh.

Whoa, cool --
a bear's head.

Is the rest of the bear
on the other side of the wall?

Think about it, vato.

The other side of the fireplace
is the parking lot.

Did you see a giant bear's a*s
when you got out of the car?

Yeah, I saw it getting out
of the driver's seat.

Carmen,
what are you doing?

Having a cookie.

You don't know
what's in those.

They could have been left there
by a crazy person!

Angie, relax.
We're not in the city anymore.

Max, taste your
sister's cookie.

That's right.

I heard you talking
about my butt.

Hi, I'm winnie bellamy.
You must be the lopezes.

Welcome to paradise canyon.

Here are your keys.
You're in 7 and 8.

Mom, I finished all my chores.
Can I go sledding now?

Honey, these are the lopezes.

This is my daughter,
Sara,

but we all call her
li'l bit

'cause she is my
little bit of heaven.

Nice to meet you,
sir, ma'am.

Ma'am?

You hear that, kids?
She called your mom "ma'am."

And not just because she's old,
but out of respect.

We're on vacation.

Are we gonna have to hear
this crap all week long...

Ma'am?

Hey!

Sounds like you have been
cooped up in the car a while.

How about if li'l bit takes you
kids night-sledding?

Cool. Can we?

I don't know.
Is it safe?

Oh, they'll just be sledding
down a big wide open hill.

Nothing can happen to them

as long as they know their left
from their right.

Max, let your sister
steer the sled.

There's all sorts of winter fun
around here.

Angie, you should take
the kids skating tomorrow

during George's interview.

Interview?
What interview?

I thought we were on vacation.

Uh, we are on vacation.

I'm interviewing, um...

A dog breeder.

We may be getting a rare, uh,

rocky mountain
spotted tick...Hound.

Cool.
What do they look like?

I don't know.
I said they were rare.

When did this become
a trial, Johnny Cochran?

Now, look, you guys
get out of here.

We'll meet you in an hour
by the fire

for some hot cocoa
and a sing-along.

We'll be like that --

* she'll be coming around
the mountain when she comes *

hot cocoa for four,
and I'll get my guitar.

Get out!
You really do that?

Well, sure.

You never had a sing-along
back in L.A.?

No.

The only time I ever heard
someone sing around the fire

was my mom during the riots.

I got a new TV!

I got a new TV!

* all my friends
know the low rider *

I like it here, Angie.
The people are happy.

They're friendly.
It's beautiful.

A month from now
I see myself whittling

and telling stories
over a pickle barrel.

I'll be like...

George, we've been here


and you're all ready
to turn our lives upside down.

We don't even know
if the kids like it here.

We don't know
if the schools are good.

We don't even know
if you're gonna get the job.

Well, first thing tomorrow
at the pickle barrel,

I'm nominating you
for town sourpuss.

We don't even know
if you're gonna like it here.

Did you see all that snow?

You'll only be able to golf
two months out of the year.

Well, so, I'll give up golf
for the kids.

I'll find something else
to do.

You can always spend
more time

with your family
on the weekend.

Yeah, well,
don't worry about me.

I'll find something.

I just want you to be realistic
about this.

Look, Angie, and I just want
you to have an open mind.

I have an open mind.

Yeah?

Then eat the cookie.

I am not gonna eat
the cookie.

Angie,
if you have an open mind,

and you still believe
there are places in this country

where people
are basically decent

and don't want to poison you,

eat the cookie.

Mmm, that's a good cookie.

Oh, thank god,

'cause I was starving,
but I didn't want to die.

Ooh.

You know...

A real lady would turn around
and allow me to cover myself.

I believe we're having

what the cowboy movies
call a Mexican standoff.

Looks more like we've got
a Cuban m*ssile crisis.

Will you please...
Toss me Angie's jacket?

Hey...

I don't care what you do

when Angie and George
are here, eh?

But when I am house-sitting,
you call before you come over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's that?

It's a pro-con list for
moving to Colorado.

"Pro -- less crime.
Con -- cold weather.

"Pro -- 1,000 miles away
from Benny.

Con -- only 1,000 miles
away from Benny."

Let me see that.

I hope you're happy,
Benny.

You are a major reason
our children are leaving.

You didn't read far enough.

"Pro -- won't have to listen
to Vic

"tell us how to raise
our kids.

Con -- will miss laughing at the
way he says 'estãºpid.'"

what?!

They are the ones
who are estãºpid!

All I do is help, and
they never appreciate anything.

Oh, hey!

I'm just as insulted
as you are.

Now, look, we can either
whine about it

or we can get back at them by
drinking George's good scotch.

I like good scotch...

Especially when I ordered

the pay per view boxing
on George's TV.

I'll show them not
to take me for granted.

Victor palmero has his pride!
I'm a man!

Ayyyy!
Chest hair!

Okay,
the schools check out,

and the housing is great!

We could get
a huge house here

for the same money
we're paying in L.A.



There's enough room
to have horses

and keep a stall open for
when your mom comes to visit.

Just think, Angie --

my mom falling asleep
with a cigarette

in a barn full of hay.

George Lopez?

Ed Donnelly --
Donnelly aviation.

I'll be interviewing you
this afternoon.

Hey, ed, nice to meet you.

This is my wife,
Angie Lopez.

I don't mean
to interrupt your lunch,

so finish, and I'll see you
in a couple hours.

Okay, honey,
now I'm getting nervous.

I'm starting to like
this place.

But I don't want to get my hopes
up if you don't get the job.

Angie, I am gonna ace
this interview.

I got it all planned out.

I'm gonna take a nap,
take a shower,

put on
my lucky underwear...

Shadowbox to
"eye of the tiger,"

put on my pants,
and go.

George,
I'm just thinking.

You're here, I'm here --

why don't we take care
of this right now?

I'll get a cup of coffee.

Angie, I'm not ready.

I didn't take a nap,
I didn't take a shower,

I got my second-string
chonies.

Don't freak out.

You know you're qualified.

All you need to do is present
what you have to offer

in a succinct
and confident manner.

"Succinct and confident
manner" --

I need my underwear!

I got it!

So, George, I was looking over
your rã©sumã©,

and the work experience
is just great.

But there is one little thing
that worries me.

How's a big L.A. guy
like yourself

gonna adjust to life
in a small town?

Well, ed, a small town
is just what I'm looking for.

I love it here.

This morning, I went to a barber
shop and let a man shave me.

I never thought I could trust
like that again.

Well, the last manager said
he liked it here, too.

Then,
after a couple of months,

he split because he missed
his friends and family.

Are you folks leaving
any loved ones behind?

Well, there's Angie's dad,
but I'm sure he'll visit.

And you, George?

No, no loved ones.

Both my parents died
during childbirth.

Wait, George,
don't make me laugh, okay?

The last manager
made me laugh,

and, well, what can I say?

One minute we're fishing
together in a stream,

and the next day I'm running
alongside a bus

trying to touch the window.

Sorry.

Just a little
emotionally raw.

Well, ed,
I'm doing this for my kids,

so if you give me the job,
I'm not leaving.

I promise.

It's safe to laugh again.

I don't know.

Ed, guy walks into a bar
with a frog on his head!

Please, stop it,
I love this one!

And the bartender says...

He says, "this started out as
a wart on the frog's butt."

What can I tell you, George?
You've got the job.

Ed, we're gonna build planes,
and we're gonna laugh together.

I got them.

Welcome aboard.
We just closed the deal.

And I'm pretty sure
you can trust the napkins here.

You got the job --
congratulations!

Hey.
Hey.

I guess it's time
to tell them.

Let's do it.

Kids, your mom and I need to
talk to you about something.

Can you tell us on the way home?
This place sucks, dad.

Let's just grab the tick hound
and get out of here.

You need to learn
some values,

so we're moving
to an African village

where we're going to build
schoolhouses

and eat what the earth
gives us.

What?!
No way!

All right, then,
let's compromise.

We're gonna live here
for the rest of our lives.

You win.
That's well-played.

We don't want to live here.
We hate it!

We're doing this
for you.

This will be a better
environment for you.

You can walk down the street and
not worry about getting shot.

Are you kidding?

I've never seen so many g*ns
in one place in my life.

There are g*n racks in cars,
in trucks...

There's a g*n right there
on the fireplace.

But that's different.

g*ns out here are only used
for hunting...

And arming a militia

in case the people have to
take back their government.

It didn't sound so crazy this
morning in the barber shop.

You can't make us
do this.

Oh, yes, we can,

because we're the parents
and you're the kids.

So you might as well
get used to the idea

because we're moving
to paradise canyon.

This sucks.

Come on, Max, we're out of here
right now.

Honey, your mittens.

You know,
Angie would k*ll us

if she knew we were
smoking inside.

Yes, she hates it because
the smell gets in the furniture,

and it will never
come out.

Ooh!

What?

I can't believe
they're stopping this fight.

Oh, come on, didn't you see
that head butt?

Just an accident.

Happens all the time.

Look, when you're a fighter
and you're in the clinch

and your heads are close,
it is natural.

Want to k*ll 5 minutes and walk
to the other end of town again?

Want to go look at that
dead blue Jay again?

Nah, I'm gonna go in
and buy a 6-foot licorice rope

and hang myself.

Hey.

Hey.

I heard you guys
are moving here.

I guess.

Is this what you guys do
all day --

sit outside the mini mart?

We do lots of stuff.

You want to go make
snow angels?

Did it.

Skate on the pond.

Did it.

Cigarette?

No way!

Then we can go inside
and get something to eat.

I'd have to take
my snow pants off

to get the dollar
out of my pocket.

It's not worth it.

It's okay.

I'll flirt with the guy
behind the counter

while you steal some chips.

I can't do that.

I bet you there's a lot
of things you can do...

Once I show you how.

You Carmen Lopez?

Who wants to know?

I'm Tom.
My dad works at the factory

where your dad's gonna work.

Great.

We're gonna go moon the guy
over at the drive-through.

You want to come?

No.

Too bad.

New butts
always freak him out.

You want to break into the
summer cabin and steal beers?

No, I can't drink.
I'm only 15.

So what?

You're in the country now.
There are no rules.

There is a 10-year-old
driving that truck.

I don't know.

Look, everyone in this town
parties.

So you want to sit here
and freeze,

or you want to have
a little fun?

Jeez!
Gosh, it's cold out.

So do you want to
stand there freezing,

or do you want to have
a little fun?

Are you sure doing this
is the right thing?

Ma'am, I'm just showing you
to your room.

How you choose to tip me
is your choice.

I'm talking about
changing our whole lives

and moving here
with the kids.

Come on, Angie,
if we were in Los Angeles,

we'd be worried about what
the kids are doing right now,

but we're in paradise canyon.

What could happen?

I guess you're right.

Let's go upstairs and...
Warm up.

But I'm not cold anymore.

Mami's not cold.

Aye!

George!

Stop it!