04x11 - Prescription for Trouble

[bunniefuu]

Preparing for her first meet
with the debate team.

What?
She made the debate team?
Uh-huh.

Did they need a crier?

Testing makeup on animals

should be outlawed...

...because bunnies
are cute.

It burns their eyes.

And then they're blind,
and they hop into traffic.

See, my mascara's running!
They died for nothing!

Carmen: Well...

What do you think
of my debate outfit?

Carmen, are you
dressing like that

'cause your ex-boyfriend's
on the opposing team?

Yep.

No one cheats on me
without paying the price.

I'm gonna distract Jason
with my body

and destroy him
with my mind.

"Hell hath no fury
like a woman scorned."

I've distracted
with my body.

I've destroyed
with my body.

I remember a time
when I distracted one guy

while I destroyed
the other.

I remember that day.

You forgot to put a sock
on the front door,

and I walked in on you.

That was not
a good mother's day for me.

Can you
help her practice?

Here are
the evidence cards.

I got to go
meet a client.

Okay, dad,
you're arguing for suvs,

and I'm making a case
for hybrid cars.

Okay, good luck.

Resolved --

suvs guzzle gas
and destroy the environment

and keep us at the mercy
of oil-rich foreign governments.

Maybe, but my SUV's
got a leather interior,

a six-cd changer,

and hybrids bounce off me
like b*ll*ts off Superman!

Wa-cha!

Resolved.

May I rebut
that argument?

The floor recognizes
madam hoochie.

While hybrids may be small,
they are economical.

And you can get a tax break
from the government.

And when presented
to the driver

with a big giant bow
on top,

it makes a memorable gift for
your daughter's 16th birthday!

Madam bat,
may I rebut that?

The floor recognizes
the gentleman

with the
monster-truck-sized head.

Hell no, we're not getting you
a car! End of discussion!

Grandma, how old were you
when your dad got you a car?

Okay, how old was dad
when you got him a car?

Okay, none of you guys
got cars,

but aren't you supposed
to want better for your kids?

Ha!

Ask me how much I want
to spend on your wedding.

When you're done with that fork,
I need it back.

That's ridiculous.

We have to free ourselves
from fossil fuels.

So you want
to undermine our economy.

Well, if you're so smart,
Jason,

tell us what happens
when those resources are gone.

Uh...

Who's out of gas now,
rich boy?

Carmen,
you have to concede

that fossil fuel is cheaper
than any other power source.

Cheap?

You want to talk
about cheap?

How many times
has america's trust

been violated
by someone...

Just going out and drilling
some crude oil

that a bunch of guys
have already tapped?

I will admit that
sometimes we go abroad

to solve
our energy needs.

When the whole time,
right here at home,

we had such a precious,
untapped resource.

That we'd do anything
to get back.

No one's tapping
my country's resource

till she gets married.

I love my country.

And I want her to know
I'm really, really sorry.

I withdraw my argument.

No, I withdraw mine.

Ohh!

What do you mean, "ohh"?
He cheated on her.

What kind of mom
are you?

He's a kid.
Kids make mistakes.

So you would've forgiven me
that easily

if I had cheated on you
in high school?

Oh, honey.

I know how many
opportunities you had.

Thank you
for being so loyal.

I could find someone
tonight.

Of course you could.

Let's go to the club.

Me and you -- we'll be like
Starsky and Hutch.

I'll throw you out there
like chum,

and then
I'll follow behind.

* all my friends
know the low rider *

I could cheat on you

with that lady
from the post office.

Uh-huh.

Or the big lady
at the dry cleaners

who's always thanking me
for being a messy eater.

Mm-hmm.

The girl at the bank.

Even when she's helping
another customer,

she can't help
but check me out.

She has a lazy eye,
George.

Mom, dad.

You got some more flowers
from Jason.

Oh, yeah. It's our
two-week anniversary.

He got you flowers
for that?

I told him to. This time,
I'm calling the shots.

He's gonna have to
jump through hoops

before I can
trust him again.

When he broke your heart,
he broke all our hearts.

I'm gonna stay
emotionally unavailable

till he gets me
a putter.

George!

And some cream
for your mom's alligator elbows.

Can you sit down? There's
something I want to talk about.

Okay, Carmen,
we talked about this.

You're not
getting a car.
It's not that.

But I am turning 16
on Saturday,

and I do feel
I'm old enough to --

no tattoos, either!

I want
birth-control pills.

What about a little butterfly
on your ankle that says --

that says "virgin,"

with the wings closed,
like that?

Dad, I'm serious.

Carmen, we're not getting you
birth-control pills!

Has Jason
been pressuring you?

No, no,
this is my idea.

I want to take responsibility
for my body.

And when the time comes,

condoms are important,
but they're not gonna be enough.

It's only 98% effective
against pregnancy.

I want to be sure
that I'm absolutely safe.

What do you mean,
"when the day comes"?

Well, let's talk
about that together.

How does...
March work for you?

I'm not gonna pick the day
my daughter loses her virginity!

And I'm sure as hell
not gonna do it

on my nice
golfing-dogs calendar!

That's just wrong!

Dad, I'm willing
to compromise.

Yeah, I think
we all get that. No.

Okay, let me try
another approach.

What are the criteria I have to
meet in order to have sex?

You have to be married...

Or have a letter
from the pope.

Don't be such a hypocrite.

Were you married
when you lost your virginity?

Your mother was
the first woman I was with,

and I married her.

So you've only had sex
with one woman?

Don't say it like that!
That's how it's supposed to be!

I'm many women
for your father.

Oh, god!
That's why you have the wigs!

The point is,

your father and I waited
till we were of legal age.

All right,
let's compromise.

I won't have sex,
but I'll still get the pills.

For what?
They're good
for your skin.

Your skin's fine.
They might be good
for your heart.

You don't have to worry
about your heart!

They help
regulate your period.

Don't be so quick

to give up the beauty
of an unexpected period.

So, how about a nice cashmere
sweater for your birthday?

What color
do you want?

Whatever color matches

the cashmere shackles
I wear in this house.

I know why
the caged bird sings.

Well, you're dreaming

if you think we're getting you
a sweater and a bird.

You know who's behind this?
Jason.

I hate him.

He left Carmen
for that girl

who had the reputation
for doing everything.

He's got experience now.

I think it's time
Jason and I had a little talk.

You better scare
some sense into him.

I know -- at that age,
when an attractive guy

pressures a girl to have sex,
it's really hard to say no.

Sorry I pressured you,
baby.

What?

In high school, I might have
come on a little too strong.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that was tough.

Come here!

What's up, Mr. Lopez?

You know, we...

...haven't had a good talk
in a while.

Ohh, I miss our talks.

So -- heh heh...

Still a virgin?

Uh, pretty much.

When you left Carmen,

you went over
with that Cindy leschin girl.

Look, I don't care, dude.
I'm not her dad.

Tell me about it, stud.
Wa-cha.

Look, Mr. Lopez,
i-I'm new at this,

but I'm pretty sure
this is not cool.

Are you a virgin
or aren't you?!

Carmen and I
haven't done anything.

Oh, but you want to.

No.

Why not?!
She's a beautiful girl!

Okay, yes.

How dare you?!

No!

Yes!
I don't know!

What do you
want me to say?

I want you to admit you're
pushing my daughter to have sex.

I haven't even
brought it up.

Don't lie to me.
I'm not. I swear.

Then why did she ask us
for birth-control pills?

Really? She asked
for birth control?

No way!

No way should you allow her
to have those.

So this wasn't your idea?

Look, Mr. Lopez,

I'm walking on eggshells
with Carmen as it is.

I would never do anything
to pressure her.

I'm just glad
she took me back.

Damn!

So it was her idea.

All this time,

I've been worrying
about boys pressuring her.

I even told her
all the tricks

guys would use
to get her into bed.

Oh, my god --
I gave her our playbook!

No matter what she says,

nobody just likes
to lie there naked and hug.

Hey!

I just got paid for
the Harris wedding I planned,

and I'm in the mood
to celebrate.

I know it's not
the same as cash,

but what do you say
we get naked

and roll around
on the check?

Not now. Come on.

Oh?

Is somebody
playing hard to get?

Well, I am not afraid
to drag you upstairs

and have my way
with you, mister.

This is why our daughter's
a sexual predator!

She gets it from you!

What?

I talked to Jason.

Carmen's the one
who wants to have sex.

She's pressuring him?

That's what I said.

You're so full of lust,
you can't even hear right!

I don't feel good.
My stomach hurts.

What did you eat, honey?

Well, I was in Carmen's room,
and I found some mints.

But they
didn't taste right.

Carmen!

What's up?

Your brother ate your mints,
and he doesn't feel good.

What mints?

The ones in the tin in your
winter jacket under your bed.

Oh, my god.

Oh. Heh heh.

Those mints.

They're probably
just stale.

So, how many
did you take?

I ate five --
Monday through Friday.

What do you mean,
"Monday through Friday"?!

There's a month's worth
on this wheel.

You're on the pill?!

Well...

So is Max!

Angie,
call poison control.

I'm sure everything's
gonna be fine.

What's going on?

Uh, those weren't mints,
honey.

They were
birth-control pills.

Oh, no.
What's gonna happen?

Your sister's
gonna get k*lled.

And if you're anything
like your mom,

you may experience some
tenderness around your breasts.

Thank you.

Poison control says
you're gonna be fine.

Are you having sex?

No.

Why did you go behind our backs
to get these pills?

Carmen, we talked
about this.

No, we didn't talk
about anything.

Dad told me what to do,
like I was some little kid.

I didn't have
any say in it.

You want to have a say?
Say goodbye to these.

Where did you get
the pills?

We went
to the free clinic.

Unlike some people,
they treat me like an adult.

"We"?

Who went with you?
Was it Jason?

It doesn't matter.
You're never gonna find out.

Just let it go.

Max...

I'll give you $5, homeboy,
if you know anything.

I heard them talking.

Grandma Benny took her.

You're not getting a dime.
Nobody likes a tattletale.

Just came in to get some snacks
for the poker game.

We've already started,
George.

What?

You took my 16-year-old daughter
to get birth control?

You don't have to thank me.

Just give me 10 bucks for gas,
and we'll be even.

We have to talk.

Before you say anything,
I want to own up

and take full responsibility
for driving her there.

But Vic was the one who told her
about the free clinic

and she didn't need permission
to get birth control.

There. I've said it.

Let the chips fall
where they may.

To recap,
it's Vic's fault.

Daddy, is that true?

Look,
this wasn't easy for me.

And I told Carmen that
I did not condone her behavior.

But she said
she was intent on doing this,

and I told her
about the free clinic.

I did what any other doctor
would do.

Of course,
it's just information.

It means nothing unless
somebody drives her there!

You're grandparents.

You're supposed
to tell her what it was like

when bread was a nickel,
not pimp them out!

I stand by my decision.

Yeah?

Did you give Angie the pill
when she was 16?

Absolutely not!

I gave it
to her sister Gloria.

What?! How could you give it
to her and not me?

Because when I said
that sex was a sacred bond

that should only occur between
a married man and his wife,

you believed me.

She didn't.

Let's get real here.
I got knocked up when I was 16.

Do you want that
to happen to Carmen?

I just want everyone to know
that I have not had sex yet.

And when that day comes,
you will all get an e-mail.

Okay, here's the deal.

They are our children.

We will raise them
our way.

Stay out of it or you won't be
allowed in this house.

Poker game's over.

But I-I have four aces!

Fold.
Fold.

Aww!

Okay,
she's turning 16 Friday.

She's already started
taking birth-control pills.

We got to do something --
fast.

I'm not talking to you.

Fine.
Don't talk to me.

But this is something
I know about and you don't.

You've helped enough,
Benny.

I didn't want to say this
in front of Carmen,

but you can't stop her.

My dad said
he would k*ll me.

And I believed him,
and I still went out and did it.

Carmen's not you.

She's not willing
to do anything

for a cheeseburger
and a ride home.

It was raining,
and it was chicken nuggets.

This is how rumors start.

We're gonna find a way
to stop Carmen.

No.

This is gonna happen
one of two ways --

planned and protected
or hot and spontaneous.

Mom!

Both have their advantages.

One way,
you don't get pregnant.

The other way...

Wow.

Does your mom
always have to be so blunt?

Look, I didn't want to say this
in front of Carmen,

but this is going to happen
one of two ways --

smart and with protection

or in a field of tobacco
under a Cuban moon

with the godfather of revolution
in the background.

Wow.

I hate to say it,
but they're probably right.

Don't back down.
We're stopping Carmen.

We have to.

She's not ready
for the emotional consequences

that go along
with a sexual relationship.

And we are not emotionally
prepared to deal with

our daughter crossing
the threshold into womanhood.

That's it!
What?

If you can teach Carmen
to bore a guy

like you just bored me,
nobody'll want to be with her.

Well,
I'm not surprised

there's nothing down here
for my birthday.

I know you guys
are still mad at me.

Mnh-mnh.
We're not mad.

We talked last night.
We realized you're 16.

We can't stop you
from growing up.

So, we have
a birthday surprise for you.

What?

No, wait.
W-Where are we going?

To a Mexican convent.

Happy birthday!

Oh, my god!
You guys got me a car?!

I love you!
You guys are the best!

There's just one catch --
you can only keep the car

if you stay a virgin
till you're 40.

George!



You guys are bribing me?

Yep. It's up to you.

The car...

Or sex.

Are you kidding?
The car!

I hear it's not that great
the first couple of times.

How can it be
with all that

"what are you thinking about
now? How about now? Now?"

What's going on?

Just showing Carmen
her birthday surprise.

They got me a car!

Oh, that is
an awesome surprise.

There's a surprise for you, too,
fool. Tell him.

They gave me a choice --

I can either have
the car...

Or sex before I'm 18.

Guess what I picked.

Oh.

Well, I already
have a car, but...

You know, that's cool.

Yeah.

Jason, why don't you
take Carmen out

for a nice
birthday dinner.

And you know what, my man?
No curfew.

You'll be home early.