04x14 - George Gets Assisterance

[bunniefuu]

Hey, looks like somebody
landed a new client.

This is all custom stuff

for a wedding I'm planning
for this weekend.

Whoa, what's this,
a belt for a wedding dress?

No, it's a garter.

I got a plus-size bride.

It is a brave man who goes
to get this off with his teeth.

Hey, George,
that's not right, man.

My mom's a plus-size lady,

and she's beautiful
and full of life.

When was the last time
she got out of bed?

Well, it's hard to tell.
She wears sheets as clothes now.

Hey, mom.

Hey, honey,
how was school?

It finally happened.
I'm out of special ed.

They put me back
in regular classes!

How is that possible, man?
You can't even --

hey, congratulations.

I took the proficiency test
and I passed.

See? That's the way
the lopezes do it.

We fail, we fail,
we fail, we fail,

until one day, boom,
we've average.

Hey, grandma, guess what?
I'm not in special ed anymore.

Oh, Max, that is great!

Is there something worse
than special ed?

Why is everyone so surprised
Max is doing better?

He's learning to deal
with his dyslexia.

He's a very smart boy.

You got a 60?

Well, 60 -- that's the score
you got last year

that kept you in special ed.

I know, but the school
changed the rules.

What do you mean,
they changed the rules?

It's in this letter.

My special-ed teacher
says it's a tragedy

and I'll probably fall
through the cracks.

But what does she know?

She's not smart enough
to teach regular kids.

You know, they said that I was
gonna fall through the cracks.

Yeah, they just kept passing me
from grade to grade,

but, heh, I turned out
pretty successful.

Well, I better
go to the factory.

It's my turn to rip the rat legs
off the sticky traps.

Later.

What do I always say, Max?

Ernie's not a role model.

That's right.
He's more like a clown, but...

Not all clowns are sad.
Very good.

This is terrible.

They're trying to save money
by mainstreaming

a bunch of kids
that aren't ready for it.

Max is being forced out
of a program he still needs.

This letter says
it's a district policy,

but if we want
more information,

there's a school-board meeting
tomorrow night.

Well, we're going,

and they're going to listen to
me because I'm a good citizen,

and I pay my taxes.

I may claim
a few extra dependants.

But when you're latino

and you have less than 10
sabã©s que, that's a red flag.

The meeting
starts at 8:00.

Honey, look at this.

The meeting's being run
by your sister.

George:
You're kidding.

"Linda Lorenzo,
superintendent of schools."

Huh.

Too bad she doesn't know
you're her brother.

She could really help
with Max.

Hey, would you stop it?

She doesn't know
she's adopted,

and I don't want her back
in my life now anyway.

The last time I saw her,
she was all crying and needy.

She was 4 days old.

People don't change.

Relax, mom.

I didn't tell her
she was my sister last time,

and I'm not gonna
tell her this time

because how do you explain
to a beautiful young woman

that when it all
starts to go...

That's how far it goes?

I just looked at my first
homework for regular classes,

and I want you to know
I'm gonna do the best I can.

But there's gonna be cheating.

Lots of it.

* all my friends
know the low rider *

* the low rider
is a little higher *

Well, they don't have
money for special ed,

but they got money for urinals
that flush themselves.

Why are you
out of breath?

I got them
all going at once.

It sounded
like a waterfall.

And then the sound of the water
made me have to go again.

Isn't that your sister?

Yeah, I'm going to run up there
and see if she remembers me.

Last time I told her I
was involved with some
phony dyslexic organization,

and we bonded a little bit.

Ooh, ooh. Here. Before you go,
this may help our case.

Max wrote a letter
to the school board

about why he wants
to stay in regular classes.

"Dear sir or mad man...

"...i deserve to stay
in regular classes,

and here are
my pot five raisins."

God, we let this kid
use a knife at dinner?

Just go.
Just go.

Hi. Linda?

I don't know if you remember me.
I'm George Lopez.

I'm with the fcd,

the federation
of chicano dyslexics.

Yes, I do remember you,

but last time you said
you were with l.A.D.,

latino association
for dyslexics.

Right.

Yeah, you know, we had
a big fight at our spelling bee,

so now we got

a whole east-coast,
west-coast dyslexic feud.

And it's like the rap thing
but worse

'cause we're dyslexic so we
don't know what coast we're on.

Anyway, look, I'm here
to talk about my son, Max.

He's dyslexic,
and he's being pushed

out of
his special-ed program.

I understand why you're
concerned. It's on the agenda.

If we don't get to it
at tonight's meeting,

we'll definitely get to it
at next month's.

Next month?
My son's gonna fall way behind.

Look, read this,
and keep in mind

this is not a monkey,
this is a human child.

It's just
that every parent here

has something
that they want to discuss.

Here's the weird thing
about that -- I don't care.

Look, Mr. Lopez, we will get
to you when we get to you.

Yeah,
but my kid wrote down --
please sit down.

But --
sit down!

Sit down.

"We'll get to you
when we get to you."

I hate my sister, Angie.
I hate her so much.

I wish I was
an only child again.

Good evening. I'm Linda Lorenzo,
superintendent.

We have a very full agenda
for this evening's meeting,

so let's go ahead
and get started.

Who cares, eh?

Item number one --

the improvements
to the drug-prevention program.

You know what?
We get it, all right?

Hugs not drugs,
crack is whack.

All right,
what's number two?

'Cause you know
the inner city, right?

Are you guys Marilyn mccoo
and Billy Davis Jr.?

Shh. George.
What?

Mr. Lopez, I know
what you want to talk about.

Would you please
sit down and wait?

I'm not gonna sit down.

We're the parents, and we're
the ones who pay taxes!

Yeah, and I want to talk
about school lunches.

My child's a vegan, and you cook
your French fries in animal fat.

What about that?

What the?

Taxi driver,
sit your a*s down.

We're talking
about learning here!

If you don't sit down, I'm gonna
have to have you removed.

I'm not gonna sit down
until my son gets the
help that he needs,

and I dare somebody
to make a move because
I'm from the street.

Security!

George, sit down!

That's the problem
with the school system, Angie.

I know. I got books,
even though I haven't read them.

Talking about playgrounds and
vegetables and language labs.

This is L.A.

You want to learn Spanish,
take a bus!

Look, I'm not going anywhere
till you help my son!

Why should I give your child
more help than anybody else's?

Because he's your nephew!

And I'm your brother!

What?

That's right! You're
throwing out your own brother!

Ask your parents
about Benny Lopez!

I'm a Navy seal.
If we take this to the pool --

ow, my vaccine!

George.

We're out
of ice cream.

Do I need to go get mom?

Carmen, how would you feel

if you suddenly found out
you were adopted

and I wasn't your real dad?

Dad, don't say that.

Unless you're absolutely
positive it's true.

It would explain so much!

You're mine.

If you were adopted, I would
have returned you already.

California has lemon laws.

Linda. Come in.

I'm sorry
to come over so late.

I-I got your address
out of Max's file.

But I-I had to talk
to you face-to-face.

Look, I'm sorry
about tonight, all right?

I never should have
opened my mouth.

No, no,
I talked to my parents,

and they told me
everything.

You know, I wanted to tell you
the first time I met you,

but you had
such a great life.

I didn't want
to mess that up.

Thanks.

Thanks for giving me
one more good year.

God, I --

I woke up this morning,

and I was the only child
of two loving, Italian parents.

Now it's 11:00 P.M.,
and I'm a Mexican.

Oh, no.

You know,
you're really not Mexican

until you've gone to a wedding
with a white dress

and a black bra under.

It's just such a shock.

What are my real mother
and father like?

Well, our father's easy.

He ran out on mom
before you were born.

I didn't know him, but
I tracked him down last year.

I punched him in the face,

he asked me for a kidney,
and he died.

And my mother?

Oh, yeah.

She's kind of hard to describe
in just a few words.

She's a short, bitter drunk.

Actually,
that covers it.

Well, whatever she's like,
she's still my birth mother

and I want to meet her.

You know, Linda, I don't think
that's such a good idea.

Forget about Benny. You and I
are brother and sister.

We should get
to know each other.

Oh, yeah. I want to know
all about you, George,

but I have
to meet my mother.

Look, I'm trying
to protect you, okay?

She knows
that you're out there.

But when our father left,

and she couldn't afford
to raise both kids, you know,

she let you go,
and when she let you go,

she let you go.

Well, if you really want
to be a brother to me,

you would start
by introducing me to my mom.

I don't think so.

Why don't you want me
to meet her?

Are you jealous?

You don't want to share
your mother with me?

Share? I'll trade!

I could be Italian.

Try the cannoli!
Forget about it!

I know a guy!
Wa-cha!

Bada-bing! h*!

That's a stereotype.

What do you care?
You're a Mexican.

That was quite
a meal, Angie.

I'm off to smoke the taste of it
out of my mouth.

Max,
why are you so tired?

I was up till 11:00 last night
trying to do homework.

Dad, you're dyslexic.

How did you make it through
all the regular classes?

Well, you know,
I really struggled, Max,

'cause I didn't have
somebody to help me,

but you do, son.

Thanks, dad.
Not me, Carmen.

Help your brother
with his homework.

But why do I
have to do it?

Because I'll give you $50
for every "b" he gets

and $25 for every "c."

Well, what happens
if I help him get an "a"?

Then I'll give you
a million dollars

and a ride on a rocket ship.

You know, maybe once you get
to know Linda better,

she can help us get Max
back in special ed.

You know, I don't think
that's going to happen, Angie.

I decided not
to introduce her to my mom.

So you're already

treating your sister
better than you treated me?

God!

George.

Hi.

Linda,
what are you doing here?

Are you Benny?

Who the hell are you?

I'm your daughter.

Wow. Heh.

The three of us haven't
been together since...

...since you gave her
away to strangers.

No?

What's going on?

Uh, you know how sometimes
strangers come by,

and we find out
they're related to your dad?

Uh...

Uh, this is
one of those nights. Go.

Carmen,
they found another one!

This really isn't
George's fault.

He did tell me
to stay away.

I -- I followed you
from the factory.

I've just been
sitting in the car.

I was trying to get up
the courage

to come in and meet you.

You should have
listened to George.

I didn't want you then,
and I don't want you now.

That's our mommy!

Hey.

You just can't walk away.
You're her mother.

No, I'm not.
Tina Lorenzo's her mother.

Look, why can't you
just talk to her, huh?

If you open up and you show her
what you're really like,

I guarantee she'll never want
to see you again.

She's not going anywhere.

She wants to make me
feel guilty,

and I got nothing
to be sorry about.

I couldn't keep both of you,

but I made sure she had
a good home and nice parents.

Is that
what's bothering you,

deep down inside
you feel guilty?

I don't need to hear this
from you.

Look, my father
wasn't in my life,

and I always felt like
there was something missing

because I didn't know him.

I'm telling you, mom, that's
how she's feeling right now.

I'm nothing
like your father was.

If you walk out
that gate, you are.

Come on, Angie,
what's going on in there?

I don't know.

I haven't heard anything
for a while.

If my mom comes out here

with Linda's feet
coming out of her mouth,

we know what happened.

Here comes your mom.

Hello.

Well, I'm out of here.

Hey, for tomorrow night's
painful reunion,

maybe you could track down that
pedestrian I ran over in '97.

I'm gonna check on Linda.

Come on, mom,
was it that bad?

Yeah. I realized
I made a huge mistake.

Yeah, mom, but you said you
couldn't keep the both of us.

I know.

I should have taken her.

She's smart,

successful,
hell of a woman.

Yeah, of course
she turned out great.

She was raised by people.

Hurts being the ugly sister,
doesn't it?

So...

Was my mom
everything I said she was?

You know, actually,
after she warmed up a bit,

we had a really good
conversation.

She told me about her childhood
and her dreams

and she even
gave me a big hug.

What?!

Please,
she barely shook my hand.

Oh,
she shook your hand?

George, thank you.

I don't know what kind
of a relationship

I'll ever have with Benny,

but it's gonna be really great
to have a big brother.

I'll leave you two alone
to catch up.

Please come around
for the holidays

because most of the time
it's just us and Benny.

Seriously...

I need you there.

The booze isn't working
like it used to.

So...linda,
my favorite sister,

you know, your nephew Max
is a great kid.

Sure needs to get back
in that special-ed class.

I know. I'm sorry.
I can't help you.

But I just hooked you up
with your real mom.

And now I owe you?

Hell, yeah, you owe me!

I was the one
with the crappy childhood.

One time I made myself
choke on a hot dog

so my mom could come up
from behind me

and give me the heimlich...

So I could pretend
it was a just-because hug.

All right, I'll arrange
for Max to retake the test.

And then maybe he won't do
as well this time,

and then I would be forced
to put him back in special ed.

Wow.

You're already holding
one of your own back.

Congratulations, Linda.
You are Mexican.

George, I feel guilty about
keeping Max up all night.

Hey, he's got
to fail that test, Angie,

if we want to get him
back in special ed.

Hey, Max,
time to get to school.

Big test today.

Can I eat
something first?

What? Are you crazy?!

You think better
on an empty stomach.

Albert Einstein --
bulimic, huh?

Now, what have
I taught you, Max,

about true or false
questions?

The answer's always false

'cause the test
is written by the man,

and the man
never tells the truth.

That's right.

And never go with
your first instinct, huh?

Always second-guess yourself.

Now, who was the first man
to walk on the moon?

Neil Armstrong.

Second guess?

Lance Armstrong?

That's my boy!

I can hear your stomach
growling. You're ready.