01x02 - Tomatsossu

[bunniefuu]

A few years ago, a course leader in Zurich

training course leader in Zurich asked me

what a cop was doing in Valais

I answered: The best way to imagine the Valais,

is to think of a family party.

Everybody knows everybody,

there is a lot of chatter.

People like to open a few bottles of wine

and eat raclette until they get sick.

Honestly, not much else is going on.

But you never know

if that weird uncle just back from Thailand

from Thailand is not going to come by

and pick on your cousin.

Valmira, b*tch!

Sit in the Panda,

tickets make money,

tomorrow Gucci, Prada, Roli, Rararri,

b*tch, come with fur too

on safari,

bring your Domo grass to the party.

Sit in the Panda dollar ♪

What's this?

According to the license plate, it's a Milanese

Milanese transport company for fresh products.

If you look closely, you will find it here.

and probably another company.

And where is Smetterling?

PUTAIN!!!!!

JUNI, where is Smetterling?

Hey, calm down

Cantonal police of Valais.

sh*t! Which police?

Are you a f*cking cop?

I'm going to k*ll him now!

- Let's flatten them both!

- Easy eh, easy

But the two Italians who work for him here,

his son-in-law here,

who took over the business.

They didn't find it "easy" at all.

What's going on with you?

you look left, you look right

can you listen to me please?

We can sing the zebra song later.

Pirmin here still doesn't know

what to do with the children.

They have a f*cking

PlayStation at home.

We don't motivate them

with "singing a little song".

They want action, jelly beans,

a silly fart joke.

- Or we just ask them:

- What do you want?

A cigarette.

Go back with the others Listen.

Just a whiff.

Your mother can smoke one!

Idiot, you probably shot yourself

shot yourself in the hand.

Just so you know,

it wasn't me.

It was Frängi.

But I'll tell you the story later.

Hey, you, you little sh*t,

now you go back to the others, otherwise

Otherwise what?

If not

Mike, would you go back with the other kids?

f*cking cop!

I don't know how you do it in your department,

but this is a traffic safety course.

The educational aspect is paramount.

So

Could you put out that cigarette

and pull yourself together?

Come on, kids, let's get some action?

Yeeeah!

You know, I didn't expect

something so stupid from you.

If they had weapons,

they'd probably want them back.

Did you think about that?

Are you rolling a joint?

You've been eating ham rolls again?

And then I got up and said:

"My boy,

you farted."

He's really funny.

Your dad wanted me to play nanny

for a while.

Pirmin has two more moves,

but he never touches anything!

It's a good thing that you are not always

alone in the street

And Pirmin knew perfectly

that it was better not to tell his wife

all the details to his wife.

Exit wound as big

as a tennis ball.

That's why I call her Martina Hingis.

For everyone under 12 years old.

Martina has won 18 Grand Slams,

loves horses,

washing machines

and cocaine.

The magazine is inserted,

the safety catch is released,

the slide is pulled back,

and there it is, it is loaded.

Yes, Emily?

Have you ever shot anyone?

Well, I haven't.

Let's get back to the speed party:

Selfies with Frängi

and then, the idiot really

shot me in the hand.

Let's just say that this thing

already saved my life

Better?

Much better, I have a plan!

Do you realize that you are

you're still driving?

What do we do now?

How about we take the next car out of circulation?

- Yeeeeah!

Oooh. what's that?

The usual.

Caruso grass.

No! Valmira, there!

Damn it!

Stay calm and don't let it show.

Just behave normally.

The important thing is

always be nice OK?

A nice cop is a respected cop!

Remember this!

The window rolled down and I thought:

Jackpot, baby!

But what are they doing with that truck?

And where is Smetterling?

I haven't heard from him

for a long time.

- So I just asked him in a cool way:

Hi: Where are you from?

From Domo.

Domodossola,

a city in northern Italy.

In fact, not much happens there

except on Saturdays,

when about 100,000 Grüezini go there

to eat ravioli.

Ah you ate a pizza in Domo?

Yes.

With an Italian truck?

Pirmin, I'm asking the questions here.

Make sure that the educational aspect

is not neglected

and let me do my job here.

The children want to know how a traffic stop works.

road test. You can sing songs again later,

Colleague.

And then?

Yes, and then what?

What kind of pizza?

Prosciutto Mascarpone!

Mmmmmmmh. I love this stuff.

And you know,

I even spread mascarpone on my raclette.

Kids!

Who knows mascarpone?

Really now?

You can't be serious!

Regina?

What are they learning in school these days?

To f*ck.

I already know what's going on here.

Are they thieves?

Very good question, Emily.

I asked them a few questions,

and I find them very suspicious.

Their red eyes tell me

that there are drugs.

And what do they say about drugs?

- NOOOON!

- YEEEEEEES!

Can you step out for a minute?

Why?

Hey, baby I know for a fact

that you've been smoking pot.

We're going to give you a break today.

But look at the kids

so adorable.

They want a f*cking show!

OK

- Now I've just gone into Beverly Hills cop mode

- Come out with your hands up!

Move it!

I want to see your hands. Let's go.

Both of you Get out!

Stay calm, kids. Stay calm.

On your knees!

You too!

And the Gucci bag on the ground.

- Hands behind your head.

- It's a Chanel!

I don't care.

Down on the ground.

Emily, not now.

Pirmin, support!

Pirmin?

Bax We still have to learn

learn the zebra song with the children.

Go on now,

the children think it's great!

Just a minute!

If I had known at that time

what was in that truck,

Pirmin would have sung

the zebra song,

the two idiots would have been taken

directly to the interrogation room.

I mean this whole thing

goes all the way to the Federal Council.

Schengen, Dublin

or whatever the f*ck this place is called.

I was really expecting anything:

10 kilos of coke, human trafficking,

Bulgarian watermelons, hand grenades or

a rocket tube.

- But:

- Tomato sauce.

Are you satisfied now?

Keep quiet, and not a sound.

What?

Okay. The show is over!

Go sing the zebra song with them.

- Come on, children

- Come on, children!

Get up, please.

What are you doing?

- Put the phone away. Now!

- No.

Stop filming.

You really are the worst cop ever.

Ouch. Ah.

The cop hit me!

- Come on, get up.

- Ouch.

Bax?!

f*cking cop.

Come on, get up.

I can't work with him!

He behaved incredibly badly again

during traffic safety training.

You just have to show leadership.

Leadership?

You know very well that Bax

is impervious to leadership.

It's your job

to always be one step ahead of him.

You have what it takes, Pirmin.

But if you can't even take care

someone,

how are you going to handle

the whole police station?

Anything else?

Mrs. Brotz asks everyone

about the thing in the Finges woods.

Ahhh, that too:

Mrs. Brotz

and her "sporadic routine visits".

What does she want from us here?

When someone from the government comes,

it's always for the same thing.

Savings.

They closed the post of my cousin Norbi

in Grächu a month ago,

and merged it with St. Niklaus.

They want to optimize costs everywhere.

That thing with the speed party

must never be discovered.

What Diego meant:

If Madam knows about the speed party,

this station will be closed,

or even worse, merged with Bas-Valais.

And nobody here really wants to speak French.

The main thing now is

not to lose sight of Bax.

Got it?

And by the way, where the hell is our damn intern?

How much did we get for this?

Ten. As agreed.

That's far too little.

Look at those Lambos parked there,

do you know how much they cost?

The drone is broken, and my

Balenciaga are definitely ruined now.

He will have to pay

for the collateral damage.

Tell him again: five thousand more.

No, I can't do that, he's my boss.

"I can't do that, he's my boss."

Junior.

Rinaldo Fricker. Son of Albi.

The most important contractor

contractor in the canton.

But since his wife ran off with a

with a player of the Fribourg-Gottéron,

he is looking for a new destiny.

It's about time you got here.

Did something happen?

What's this thing called now?

Euuuh Morning Glory!

Hallelujah

The pope is happy!

Come on in!

Ah boss hmm

About the money

We need five thousand more.

That wasn't a joke.

Let's have a drink first.

Come on, make yourself at home!

This is how it works. Come on in!

Valmira. Psst. Come on over here.

Look at this!

Bullshit.

Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to

Are you blind?

Do you still wear the perfume I gave you?

What are you on?

The history of speed!

With a Fiat Panda?

Among others

Alas, I don't have the right partner by my side

for the big case

We only notice what we have

when you don't have it anymore

What about you?

Is everything okay with Frängi?

Hey, there, you say

But that was just a moment.

I knew that the thing with Gerda

was going to go into overtime.

Ahhhh!

It's thermal water from Leukerbad.

Afterwards you will have

skin like a baby's bottom

Is the amount correct?

To the nearest cent.

There are no half measures with me, baby!

Is he still flying?

How do you think it got here?

But I can't fly it myself,

I have the most blatant corneal curvature.

Ah, I got that too,

but then they cut off my foreskin.

It was a foreskin contraction, Juni!

Not a corneal curvature.

Did you see this? This pool has a counter-current

backwash and a bubble zone.

Wait, let me show you

Do you think we should tell him?

- About the truck and stuff?

- Don't screw it up for me!

Don't you see the possibilities we have here?

- What possibilities?

- This is the IDEAL place.

We'll sh**t our music video here.

Juni!

This is the Valmira style!

And do you want to get into the water?

- Unfortunately I didn't bring my bikini.

- Honey, I'll take off my glasses

and I won't see anything

Boss,

we have a problem here!

Ida Can you check this license plate

in the system for me?

Can you give me the case number?

- Since when do you need a case number?

- Since she's been here.

What did Frängi have to do to get you

to get you to give him a key to the evidence room?

Better not to know

what Frängi had to do

to get the Kalashnikov and the U*i.

Stop it!

Look how many you've already broken!

It doesn't f*cking matter,

what good are they to you, anyway!

To this!

A good cop always has a pen on him!

Not a word, understand?

We have a report from the forester

She's at the Simplon Pass.

Thank you for your help!

- What do you want?

- Where is Patrick?

Smetterling?

He's your intern.

Don't call him that

When someone has such a speech impediment,

he doesn't deserve anything else.

Listen to this.

Everybody called me BAX for Bugs Bunny

when I was in elementary school, because of my teeth.

Of course it hurt.

But a little persecution

helps develop a healthy personality.

I just think I'm doing right by him!

Well, let's go

I'm coming with you!

What, to the gym?

Look at your biceps. They haven't seen

a gym in years.

I know you want to do your thing.

No problem.

But Biffiger wants me to be with you

when you do it.

Are you missing a box?

What if the associates of those dead Italians

suddenly show up at my house?

You're bringing the f*cking truck to my house?

What's the matter with you?

I just wanted to order some pot

and now I have this problem on my hands.

I told you that.

- The important thing is that the cops don't find out

- So, uh, the cops that

Cause I got a business to run here

and enough stress with the law as it is.

I am Rinaldo Fricker,

everybody knows me here.

f*cking bad idea.

Yes, Cesario.

I need another hole.

No,

the same hole as last time.

And when Fricker discusses holes with Cesario,

we know that it is not about golf.

On a construction site?

No, no, UNIA should not act so stupidly.

And your daughter,

did she get her teeth back in order?

Everything? No, certainly not.

But the hole first thing tomorrow, right?

Thank you.

You're very lucky to know me.

I'm keeping this one for myself.

For the fee.

Well now, the next part

- Hello?

- Hello.

It's Patrick!

Patrick.

I'm glad to hear you.

I'm trying to print something here

and everything comes out double-sided.

- Now I'm in the printer settings

- It's

- wait a second.

- Don't

print.

Is that Pirmin?

Bax?

Pirmin? Bax?

- on the phone.

- They are not there.

But you want me to pick number two?

Hello?

Patrick?

Hello?

Hello?

They probably left Smetterling somewhere here

and drove away.

The junkies have been laughing at us so hard.

I'm sure something was hidden

in the truck.

Next time I see them, it won't be long:

hop, hop, off to jail.

You are crazy.

He doesn't even know how to use the coffee machine,

and you send him in as an undercover agent?

The coffee machine

is really a science in itself.

It took me three months to get the hang of it,

and Smetterling is trying very hard.

Hey, would you mind not smoking in the car?

Why don't you open the window?

First of all, all my clothes stink

and secondly,

secondly, passive smoking is pretty much 1993.

Look at that!

Your haircut is from 1993.

You haven't smoked for a few weeks.

Don't play the pregnant lady.

Bax! There

Hello? Patrick?

Hello?

Patrick?

Really, it didn't make any sense to me

at that time.

Why did they leave the car here and continue

with an Italian truck full of tomato sauce?

And where is Smetterling?

Hey, Bax

There are tracks in the snow.

I see them too.

You remember what I told you at the beginning

at the beginning, about the weird uncle

who doesn't just look at your cousin

at the family party.

Guess what?

This year he came with his little brother-in-law,

who has just been released from prison.

And compared to him,

the weird uncle is really

a good altar boy.

If you want to know

if we were able to read the tracks

read the tracks correctly and find Smetterling.

What the new associates are doing here.

What he is looking for here

and what he'll do if he doesn't find it.

Why Pirmin shouldn't

put his hands on a g*n.

How things are going in bed at home

and what my love life is like.

So don't miss the next episode of:

TSCHUGGER.