01x01 - X Factor

[bunniefuu]

- I've always loved numbers.

Numbers are cut-and-dry,

black-and-white,

no gray area,

and they never lie.

My life plans were a carefully
calculated equation.

I'd ride my 4.0
into a choice college,

then launch a startup
by age 25

that would catapult me
into Zuckerberg status.

[school bell rings]

I even had the next two years
of high school mapped out,

during which time I would
search for the perfect girl.

No clue who that
was supposed to be,

but I was set on
finding the one

who'd become integral
to my equation.

♪

[crowd cheering]

So yeah, my life
was figured out.

What I didn't consider,

what I couldn't have
planned for

is what we mathematicians
refer to

as an unknown variable,
or X.

My X is calculated by taking

my invincible young age
of 17...

and subtracting
one immune system.

Then add thousands of
abnormal white blood cells,

multiply by 12 rounds
of chemotherapy

plus one bone marrow
transplant,

divide it by 50 days
of a 100-day quarantine,

and the sum of all that
is my X...

Cancer.

Before I had the chance
to find the perfect girl

and start my perfect life,

I was diagnosed with
non-Hodgkin's lymphoma,

so screw you,
unknown variable.

- And prepare to die, baby bro.

- You know, society frowns
on death threats

made in a hospital's
oncology ward.

How the hell
are you not playing

but you're beating me?
- I'm not taking it easy on you.

just 'cause you have cancer,
by the way,

so don't think
that that's happening.

- Dude, shut up.
- [laughs]

- Boom, b*tch.
- Oh, dude.

You're a b*ner.
You can't do that.

- What?
- You're a b*ner.

- At least I'm not alone.

That's the one thing
that could

make this nightmare worse.

[upbeat pop music]

♪

- JFK was a nightmare,
but this hotel, Chloe,

is the sickest in SoHo.

♪

Reservation for Mia Phillips.

[telephone ringing]

[elevator bell dings]

I think I just saw
Harry Styles in the hallway.

[laughs]

[somber music]

♪

Hey, let me hit you back later.

♪

[knock at door]

- I'm a nurse, not a bellboy.

- Oh, am--am I supposed
to tip you or something?

- [chuckles]
First one's free.

My name's Vinny.

So this is all you brought?

- Yeah, no, I don't plan
on staying here long, so...

- Are your parents downstairs?

- No.

- So...you ready
for the grand tour?

- Oh, my God, dude,
you're such a camper.

That was all luck,
plus I let you, charity case.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

Where's Bec, man?
I got to go.

[rock music]

- Hello, I'm here,
scrubbing in for Zac duty.

- Oh, you know,
in some cultures,

a teenager can spend
a few moments alone.

Did you know that?
- Oh, please.

You'd be bored out
of your mind without us here.

Plus Mom and Dad
don't feel so guilty

for spending all their time
working at the vineyard.

- And it's
the perfect opportunity

to steal painkillers
from old people.

- Are you stoned?

- You know what'd be good
for you?

Getting laid.
I'm serious.

This chick I'm seeing
she might have a friend.

I read somewhere that cancer's
a major turn-on.

- Like you read.

- Yeah, pity sex on a gurney?

Hard pass, but thanks.

- Okay, you're welcome.
So long.

- Why couldn't I have had
at least one sister?

- Oh, you want mine?
She's the worst.

[laughs]

That almost hit my face.

- Ow.

- You can run the world
with this thing, hmm?

Adjust the lights, the blinds,
and even the TV.

Oh, and this patient left this
Bluetooth speaker behind,

so I called dibs for you.

[chuckles]

[laughs]

- Did this person, like, die?

- We'll get this place feeling
homey as hell in no time.

Here you go.

- No, look, I'm not here
to get comfortable.

I'm just here to get treatment
for my lame leg drama,

and then I'll ghost
in time for prom.

- Mm, we're on a schedule.
Got it.

- Wait, what are those?

- Bedpans.

- Are there no bathrooms
in here?

- Hey, relax, huh?

You have a private en suite
right behind this door.

It's just that a few weeks
into your treatment,

a trip to the bathroom
can seem...

A bit daunting.

Get some rest.

I'll be back
to check on you later.

[guitar strumming]

♪

- You got a new neighbor.

She's already
driving Vinny nuts.

- The damage?
- Osteosarcoma of the leg.

- Add another geriatric
to the pile...

unless she looks like
Betty White.

Betty White under
the right light's kind of hot.

- Oh, she's actually young,
like, our age.

Slow your roll, Romeo.
She is so not your type.

I feel like having been
in utero together,

I'd know.
- God, shut up.

Okay, what's her deal?

- We hardly sat down

and got Starbucks together,

but she seems like
a Grade A b*tch.

- Weird, people say the exact
same thing about you.

[loud music blaring
from other room]

- See?

Someone show that ingrate
to respect other people!

- Relax.
I can tune you out too.

I'm bald like Buddha.

- Well, let's see
how Zen you are

when this audible onslaught
keeps you up all night.

♪

- ♪ Dubstep don't bother me

[dubstep blaring
from other room]

♪

Dear God
or whatever entity exists,

please shut her up.

- ♪ So I'm just gonna say so

♪ You will never be my hero

♪ Baby, I'm just gonna
say so ♪

♪ You can never be my

♪ Never be my

♪ Can never be my hero

♪

[pounding on wall]

♪

[music clicks off]

- Dude, man up and walk
your a*s ten steps

and ask me politely

instead of banging on my wall
like a Neanderthal!

- You know, we're not all here
for a stupid bum leg.

For some of us
this is life and death.

I would love to come over
and hash things out with you,

but I'm recovering from
a bone marrow transplant,

which means
I'm immunocompromised,

stuck in protective isolation,

which is all crazy doctor-speak

for "I'm super easy
to k*ll right now,"

so no, I'm not gonna risk
my life to come over there

and give you the satisfaction
of a face-to-face!

[sighs]

Look, I didn't mean to--

[knocking at window]

- You're not an old dude.

[soft music]

♪

- Um, sorry to disappoint.

- If I keep my music down
to a reasonable decibel level,

are we good?

Hello?

Hello?

Are we good or not?

- Yeah.
Um, yeah, we're good.

- Good night.

♪

- And just like that...

I can meet a girl
worth dreaming about.

[school bell ringing]

[indistinct conversation]

♪

[crowd cheering]

♪

What I didn't consider,

what I couldn't have
planned for,

is another unknown variable.

We all know those people,

the magnetic kind,

people that when they smile
at a mere mortal

like you or me,
you're blessed?

I don't know,
whatever people say.

♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Cute.
- Selfie, kay?

One, two.

♪

- People so magnetic,

others gravitate toward them,
orbit around them,

inevitably making
this human magnet

the center
of their own universe.

[camera clicks]

- Cute.
- So cute.

- Really.
- Bye, guys.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Ow.

- Is your leg still gnarly?

- Got to stop showing offin yoga.

- Are you
sure you're okay?

- Chloe, that perfume is a lot.

- Okay.

I can't believe
you're going to New York

for some modeling
boot camp thing

and I'm stuck here
in this tragic dump.

I'm sure this is k*lling Rhys,
huh?

- Eh, he's a big boy.
He'll manage.

- Mm-hmm.

- Can you give us a minute?
Bye.

- There's my very own
supermodel.

- Hi.

- Do you have to lie

about what's really happening?

- We've been over this.

You know how quickly I'd be
the super sad sick girl

all over social media

over something
that's so not a big deal.

Plus I really need your help
with this whole New York thing.

- Well, in that case,
it is the whole truth

and nothing but the truth,
Your Honor.

- You're the best.
- I am pretty awesome, huh?

- Mm-hmm.

- Are you sure
you're gonna be okay?

- 100%.

I'll be back in time
for prom, okay?

- Kiss cam.

[camera clicks]

- sh*t.

Of course.
She has a boyfriend.

The odds of her having
a boyfriend are, like--

- Who?
- Mia.

- You said, like,
two words to her,

and now you're acting
like you know her.

- I said six words,

and I know she starts chemo
in the morning.

Rhys?
What kind of name is Rhys?

- [sighs]

- I just saw "Hamilton"

and totally don't get the hype.

Hey, how did--how did
Rhys' basketball game go?

- Oh, he k*lled, per ushe.

- I told him he didn't
have to text me afterwards,

but you'd think by now he'd
know girlfriends never say

what they actually mean.

- Oh, boys are idiots.

- Hey, um, can you just remind
him about tomorrow morning?

He'll know what I mean.
- Yeah, for sure.

[horn honking]

Hey, my ride's here.
I got to go.

Love you.

[call clicks off]

[somber music]

♪

- [sighs]

♪

- It's tough.

One moment
you're the center of it all,

and the next you realize
that the universe

inevitably spins on
without you.

[blinds opening]

- Happy V-day, mama Mia.
- [groans]

Let's please not
call me that.

- Ah, too late, it stuck,sorry.

- [groans]

- [laughing]
Oh, no, no, no, mama.

We're on a schedule, remember?

- Schedule for what?

- For making you better,

and in turn
getting you out of my hair.

- Wait, what time is it?

Why didn't you
wake me up sooner?

- I'm a nurse, not Siri.

- He's probably been here
for an hour,

stuck in that creepy lobby
that reeks of old people.

- Nobody's here.
I checked.

- Okay, well, check again.

Rhys McCann?

He has black hair,
beautiful eyes.

Everyone says he looks like
John Legend and Chrissy Teigen

had a baby boy,
but he's 17 and a point guard.

- Okay, I get it.
Oh, my gosh.

If any guy in this building
fit that description,

I'd know.

Listen, guys run late, okay?

Your treatment will take
a couple of hours,

and then you can see
your boyfriend afterwards.

- Well, I don't want
to see him afterwards.

He needs to see me now.

- Hey, I know you're scared,
but I'll be right here.

I mean, I'm no
Teigen-Legend love child...

- [sighs]
- But, you know, whatever.

- He's probably looking
for parking or something.

- Oh, that's it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey,

no makeup before chemo.
- What?

- You'd sweat it out
all over my scrubs.

- I would be doing you a favor.

- Hey, Mia--

Okay, I can stall for one hour,

and then I'm coming back
and breaking down this door.

- [sighs]

[pop music playing]
- Ooh.

♪

[sighs]

♪

- b*tch sounds crazy...

[grunts]

Which indeed does have
its benefits from time to time,

but dude, you handled
your first chemo like a boss.

- Well, I had to.

You know, you all
were scared shitless.

- Damn it!

- You know, she hasn't had
one visitor,

not one person
to take care of her,

not even her stupid
little boyfriend.

- Oh, whoa,
she's got a boyfriend?

- Yes.
- Dude, show me this D-bag.

That's a hot dude.
- Shut up.

- You never know.
She might have, like,

a weird fetish
for, uh, Voldemort

or Charlie Brown,
Elmer Fudd,

or this basketball, you know,
'cause you're bald, get it?

Besides, you're apparently
dating mom anyways.

"Bring you real love."

What? What, dude?

What?

[gentle guitar music]

♪

[knock at door]

- Delivery for Miss Phillips.

- That's me.

♪

[knock at door]

- Hour's up.

Are we good to go?

- Yeah.

♪

- ♪ How's life been
treating you? ♪

♪

♪ You haven't changed at all

♪ Our love is
a story incomplete ♪

♪ If I'm not careful

♪ I might fall

♪

- How do you feel?

Oh, that face
means it's working.

Here, I'll put this here
in case you get sick, okay?

- Can you hand me my iPad?

- It's resting time.

All devices
must be powered down

and stowed away for landing.

- Please?
I did what you asked.

Can I please have my iPad?

- No iPad, no iPhone...
- What?

- And sweet mother of God,
no speakers.

- No.

- You will get them
back tomorrow.

- Vinny. No, wait, come back.

- I'm sorry,
but you need some rest.

- No, Vinny, I need my music.

Wait, no, come back.

Vinny, I need my music!

[pan clattering]

[groans]

[crying]
Vinny, I need my music.

Vinny!

- Shh.
- Vinny, I need my music!

- You hear that?
- What?

- Play a song for her.

Play her--
- No, what?

- Play her that one with--
you know, with the words.

- Yeah. Um.

- [crying]

- [clears throat]

Privacy, please?

- All right, whatever.
Just don't sound like a d*uche.

You're prone to that.

[door opens, closes]

[guitar strumming]

♪

- ♪ You came into the picture
like a natural ♪

♪ You were unexpected,
got me spiritual ♪

♪ I don't want to say it,
but maybe it was fate ♪

♪ And I cannot contain it

♪ And I know, and I know
it's a different love ♪

♪ And I know, and I know
you can make me better ♪

♪ It's a love that would keep
me holding on ♪

♪ And I know, and I know
we can only get better ♪

♪

♪ I came into your picture
such a broken fool ♪

♪ A million different pieces
looking back at you ♪

♪ Believe me when I say this,
I was giving up ♪

♪ And now you've come
and saved me ♪

♪ And I know, and I know
it's a different love ♪

♪ And I know, and I know
that you make me better ♪

♪ It's a love that will
keep me holding on ♪

♪ And I know, and I know
we'll only get better ♪

♪ Oh, hey, hey,
we only get better ♪

♪ Oh, hey, hey

♪ We only get better

♪ Oh, hey, hey,
we only get better ♪

♪ Oh, hey, hey

♪ We only get better

♪ Love can terrify,
and love can start a fire ♪

♪ Holding on tonight,
we're burning like a lighter ♪

♪ Everything inside
is burning ♪

♪ With desire now

- Play it again.

[guitar strumming]